To Sexual Partners

December 3, 2008

@ santanico:

You missed in my posts (since they're so long, this is quite understandable!) where I said that it wasn't so much that he lied to me as that he lied to himself. He is not introspective to begin with, and in our generation, sex can be a difficult topic to address, even to oneself.

Yes, it is possible that his libido is imply decreasing with age -- hence the doc visit as part of our plan for moving forward.

However, what has surfaced as we've been in counseling is that, while he can have sex, it's never been something he had a particular need or desire for. Mostly, he did it because it was expected. I'm his first long-term relationship (i.e., over a year) so I don't think he understood, himself, how asexual he really is, or just what the mismatch could mean.

By the same token, having been depressed since the age of 13, I had no idea that my sex drive was as high as it is. This only became apparent in the last year, when I've been under proper medication and have 25+ years of therapy under my belt.

No, no one lied or mislead deliberately. But mislead, we did. Both of us.

December 3, 2008

Yes, it is possible that his libido is imply decreasing with age --

Hm, that wasn't exactly my point ... I was rather talking about a psychological issue.

As far as I know decreasing libido with age is rather normal than unnormal - but it is not supposed to vanish completely, of course.

January 19, 2009

Hello everyone,

I am sexual and believe (we are still in the process of finding out) that my husband is asexual. It was ask for statements of us sexuals and how we feel...well...I went through different phases up til today and do not know yet what else this story holds for me.

My relationship started up to seem absolutely "normal" with him being/seeming sexual but not long after I fell pregnant sex wasn't on the agenda anymore. Like many women I believed it might be that he does not like to penetrate a pregnant woman, after giving birth we had some hard times with a very unsettled baby which does not help. But because we happily tried for another baby I thought it is all back to "normal" again...but failed by far! As soon that "job" was done I had hardly any sex at all anymore. Maybe once in six month or even less...

How to explain what sex means to a sexual person...it is a way of expression, a way to show affection to each other, an urge as well and a source of happieness. Sexual people who are forced into a life without sex expierience deep negative feelings such as depression and aggression.

My very first reaction was, how to put it, confusion. Why doesn't he want me anymore? Am I not pretty enough, doesn't he love me anymore...I was talking to him and he said he would be tired and overworked and the baby would suck all power out of his body he would not be in the mood...To help him to get back into the mood I tried to be as sexy as I could and to be as cheered up as possible, tried to have romantic nights, going out, having fun...but nothing worked the way I hoped it would.

Next I became angry and felt really bad, my self-esteem suffered a lot and I was starting binge-eating...I was feeling very sad and not at all adorable anymore. I felt old, exausted, unhappy. I started to avoid him in the evenings because I did not want to be refused, pushed away in this matter again.

All of those things caused depression. I was depressed, couldn't smile anymore, was overly accurate in household matters and critisised him in everything he did...he had no chance to get it right, poor man.

Maybe I am one of the lucky ones tending to talk about things...so I found friends to talk about it and got some reassurance in me being still attractive and loveable...one of my friends pointed out that there are some people who call themselfes asexual...and I found this webpage. And that was a real eye opener. I truely believe that my husband is one of you...he might need me and his family and the home we created but he doesn't want sex and feels pressurised by me wanting it so much...

...now I am in the stage of being somewhat hopeful and scared at the same time. What if it turns out he is really asexual and not just love-shy or has anxieties? I love him and need him (not only in a sexual way) and we are a family, we will always belong to each other...what will be if we cannot find a consense or agreement about sex...?

I am scared!

Maybe that gives a little bit of an impression how tough the whole story is.

January 20, 2009

Very sorry, did not notice this post was closed. heyho, this page is helpful anyway. Didn't mean to annoy you, gays.

I'm putting this up here because I'm not getting many responses in Announcements.
Anyway, this is directed toward any sexual partner of an asexual. We are asking any of those that would like to help explain asexuality from a sexual point of view if they would be willing to write something up about it. Such as, if you and your partner are open about the topic of asexualty, what are some of the questions people ask you, being a sexual in a relationship with an asexual, and how do you respond? Also, is there anything you'd like to say to any other sexuals that are in a relationship with an asexual or someone they suspect may be asexual, or anyone that may be in pursuit of an asexual? And finally, if you'd like to write up something about it as to your experience in such a relationship, please feel free!

This information will be put in its own section of the board directed toward other sexuals. If you are interested, please let me know via PM or post, and email me anything you may have at Xendara1@aol.com (please say you are from AVEN in the title so I don't delete you). Thanks!

January 22, 2009

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).
I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

Wow, I totally relate to you! I have felt all of those emotions you mentioned...." rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so)"!

I recently found out about asexual s and it really fits my boyfriends profile. Although he does not know that he is asexual yet. I have shown him this website and read to him the definition of an asexual but he is not there yet to really claim whether or not he is asexual. He has blamed his lack of interest on many reasons and his latest is now that he is a foreigner in a new culture. I can only hope that there is some other explanation for his lack of interest and refusal of sex but I'm afraid that I will never have sexual desire reciprocated by him. We are not married but we are living together. We are at the point where we may be moving into another home soon. I love him deeply, but I don't know if I am willing to feel sexually unnoticed and unsatisfied for the rest of my life.

Although we can live with out it, it is really hard on "sexuals" self esteem to be turned down and to not have desire reciprocated. I'm not sure about men, but from a woman's point of view, sexuality is like our joker card that we can pull out sometimes when the need arises. Sexual men become putty in our hands when they are attracted to us and it's really frustrating and upsetting to never have that sort of reaction from the one you want it most from.

I end up resenting my partner a lot when he denies me sex. I feel like he is purposely hurting me. I feel like sometimes it is only about control for him - and he wants to be in control of the relationship - have the upper hand, etc... I become extremely upset when he knows how it makes me feel when he rejects me and he continues to do it.

Now, if he came out and admitted he was asexual, I would have to accept it and I would probably be more understanding. It's the fact that he has not given me a solid reason for his behavior that I am still hanging in there, hoping that one day it will change.

I honestly don't want to live without him, but I don't think I could live with him like this forever.

January 22, 2009

I'm not sure about men, but from a woman's point of view, sexuality is like our joker card that we can pull out sometimes when the need arises. Sexual men become putty in our hands when they are attracted to us and it's really frustrating and upsetting to never have that sort of reaction from the one you want it most from.
...

I end up resenting my partner a lot when he denies me sex. I feel like he is purposely hurting me. I feel like sometimes it is only about control for him - and he wants to be in control of the relationship - have the upper hand, etc... I become extremely upset when he knows how it makes me feel when he rejects me and he continues to do it.

Sexuality is the "joker card" you can pull out and it's frustrating for you to not get that reaction -- and yet you resent your partner and thinks "he wants to be in control of the relationship?"

So isn't the "joker card" a form of control?

January 22, 2009

http://apositive.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=61

January 22, 2009

Power in relationships is, IMO, a much more complicated and confusing and poorly-framed issue than people make it out to be.

I will say that not all sexual women get a power rush out of being able to arouse their partner. And I will say that not every sexual woman who enjoys turning other people on views it as a power issue.

For those for whom it is a power rush, it isn't always like "Ha! I control you, slave!" Sometimes it's the opposite - a woman can feel like she is actually quite powerless, and her sexual attractiveness is one of the few things over which she does have control. So if that goes away, she can end up floundering and feeling that she's suddenly completely helpless. Other times it's neither, and both partners are reasonably content and comfortable and equal, and neither pushes the other around or anything, but the slight power rush from turning one's partner on can be an enjoyable bit of flavor to add to the dynamic.

I will also say that it isn't entirely fair to blame a man for not being sexually attracted to you. An asexual man might "know how it makes you feel" to be sexually rejected, but if he's incapable of desiring you sexually then what else is he supposed to do?

One would expect him to be able to talk about it, though. But we get a surprising number of people here whose seemingly-asexual spouses are not, in fact, able to talk about it. Maybe some of those aren't really asexual and are going through some other issue that they won't talk about it. Or maybe they are asexual, but they don't realize that this is a valid or even possible way to be, so they can't talk about it - at least not until someone points them to AVEN. And even after they read about it, it may take a while for them to digest the new information.

January 28, 2009

I think this is super-tough. It depends on your level of asexuality. For example, I never realized that I was asexual because I do have a sex-drive. In fact, I can really enjoy sexual interactions if I get into them. For me, though, sex itself or oral sex is not something I can really perform or watch. I don't like looking at my boyfriend's penis, I can't put it in my mouth without feeling sick, and I can't smell him or watch him do anything to me unless I can't see any of his face. I can't connect sex to a person or I find it disgusting. So we've learned to do it without him looking in my face, or with our eyes locked instead of on each-other. Anyone else this way?

Me. I find most directly sexual thoughts too much particularly with another person. I feel more sexually open when I'm in a potentialy sexual situation but having more intellectual thoughts. I suppose I might one of the few that can conceive of having sex in a non-sexual way.

Having read many of the posts here, I appreciate the vast diversity of approaches to relationships and navigating sexuality within a relationship. I'm a (very) sexual woman in a relationship with a man whom I suspect is asexual. First year was great, sex was just fine, although I realized his libido was lower than mine. Six months ago all sex stopped with all my attempts at figuring out why getting nowhere. He says he has no physical or emotional problem, etc etc. He's just not interested in sex anymore - although we are still very much in love, love each other, like each other, respect each other, and consider ourselves to be in a serious relationship. What most bothers me most is his lack of ability to compromise. I have thought long and hard about the definition of good mental health and it seems that a core part of good mental health is the ability to be flexible and adaptable in order to accomplish one's goals. If his goal is to have a loving relationship with me, then something is seriously wrong if he cannot be loving enough to compromise and have some kind of sexual interaction with me, or adapt to a polyamorous relationship so I can get my sexual needs satisfied elsewhere (he says no to an open relationship). I've tried to be extremely flexible - I've offered every creative solution I can think of. I consider myself more than open and willing to experiment sexually to see what we can negotiate to keep me satisfied ... but he won't even kiss me sexually, won't even just hold me while I masturbate. All kinds of nonsexual warmth and affection exists between us... but no sex of any kind. As a sexual person I am deeply hurt and frustrated. Maybe some asexual individuals don't understand the immense depth of emotional bonding and intimacy that sharing sexual pleasure creates between two people. I have learned a lot about feeling close and connected in other ways, but for me there is no substitute for a sexual connection (of whatever variety - I am not talking about any specific physical act). I'm so sexually and emotionally frustrated I am deeply angry. I feel he has exiled me from his deepest, most private soul, I feel he is disregarding my needs, I feel as if he is unable to overcome his asexuality to meet me half way and sometimes put aside his own discomfort to ease my discomfort. I put aside my needs: the physical need for sex - yes need - to the point where I am almost out of my head! the need for sexual intimacy, the need to have that very private space with him... I put aside my needs for months on end. If a sexual person can do that to make a relationship work, then I think a sexual person should please the other person sometimes and put aside his/her needs *sometimes* to satisfy the other person. Aren't relationships about compromise? If both people can't compromise, then there is no way to work it out... which is very sad, very depressing if you love each other. I am encouraged by how people in sexual/asexual relationships on this forum seem willing to work together - I've read a lot of positive things. For me as a sexual person involved with an asexual person whom I love and respect very much, I can't even communicate how painful the situation is. It is infuriating, and deeply deeply depressing. I am lonely as hell and feel helpless... and very angry at our incompatibility. I have read all kinds of opinions here about how asexuality is not "abnormal" -- alright, but it is very unusual/atypical (I don't care what the 1% stat claims) and an asexual individual involved with a sexual person needs to have some empathy and compassion for how difficult negotiating this is. Sometimes I get very angry. Sometimes I get very very sad. Most often I am very scared this kind of relationship can't work and I will lose a relationship I care about a lot. For me, I can't imagine a life w/o sexuality.., for me sexuality is part of my every day life, part of moving through the world. Sex is a beautiful act in which two people share their most vulnerable selves, and show their emotions without words, without even thinking. It is one of the ways I feel closest to another human being, one of the ways I feel human, one of the special private things I want to share with a person I trust and love. My sexuality is such a core part of my identity that I cannot feel wholly loved as long as my partner rejects taking part in sexuality with me. I am afraid my relationship is doomed, but if these words can help other sexual/asexual understand each other, than that is a good thing.

I would say the same about my intellect and intelligence. If someone hates reading or sharing intellectual ideas on computers, ancient history, and life in general I feel sad like a large part of me can't connect. Nasty feeling. That's probably why I'm slightly brain biased when it comes to relationships.

Thanks for that kind reply. It's been a long, confusing, intense journey... I appreciate your empathy. In some ways this sexual/asexual dynamic is very unique, in some ways it is the same as any problem a couple faces -- is there a space to compromise or not? Sometimes there just isn't - often the best analogy I can think of is when one person feels the need to have children in order to be happy and feel complete and the other can't abide the idea. If two people are that far apart in their lifestyles, perhaps there is no possibility of success. I too, have wanted to think love (and enough communication and empathy) can conquer this... and it is very hard to accept that it cannot. I know it is difficult for both people when this happens. I remind myself often how hard it must be for my partner -- I think he would change our situation if he could, because I know he loves me very much. One of the confusing contradictions is that he won't try anything to see if we can negotiate this problem - no therapy, no open relationship, no unconventional sexual activities that would require minimal participation from him. He seems willing to just give up before trying any compromise. While I do respect his desire to be himself, I feel he is often making this my problem rather than a problem for us together.
That is in part why I wrote... in the wide range of approaches I've read here, it seems that *some* asexual individuals see the desire to have sex as the sexual person's "problem" (and a very few people even see it as selfish to want sex from one's asexual partner)... and yet if two people are in a relationship together trying to make it work, *any* conflict that arises has to be addressed by *both* people. I don't want to think I am being selfish. I don't want to think my partner is being selfish. I'm not to blame for this conflict - and neither is he. Neither of us asked for it to be this way between us (my god, what person would *want* to tackle this kind of incompatibility?) We are incompatible - unless we can find some way for us both to change and flex a little to create life together that is good for both of us.

Ouch. Find some common ground. Then reconnect in ways you both understand and both leave out parts which the other person doesn't get. The relationship becomes more of who you are together than who you are apart.

Hello everyone!
Well this will be my first post here. :)

Hm perhaps I should introduce myself first... But, then I could just do that right here.

I'm 29 year old Sexual guy, and two months ago I met an asexual girl. Up until I had met her, I didn't really know much about Asexuality. Until she told me about this site and I read some things about it.

From the moment I met her... I knew she was someone special to me... and in the time that followed, that feeling stayed, and grew. She means the world to me. At first however, she did not mention that she was asexual... actually she didn't know that she was asexual... But it soon became clear to me at least that she wasn't comfortable about sex. I have never been someone who pushes and I have always tried to be very careful and patient with her. I am always like that with people I get involved with. But when I first started noticing that she didn't feel comfortable about this... I felt horribly rejected. I felt ugly, I felt as if I had failed.

Luckily, and to my suprise... we both were able to talk about all of this... And of course there were a lot of very tensed moments... but I feel that by talking we grew closer together and helped me to understand her so much better. But it wasn't until she and I discussed her being asexual that I started feeling a lot more comfortable. And that I started realising that it wasn't me. She really liked me! Maybe it's stupid that it didn't really dawn to me before... Up until that time... I just felt that somewhere she was doubting me, and that I was repulsive or something like that.

I consider myself lucky with the few nice people I have had in my life so far... And I have always considered sex to be one of the most beautiful things you can share with your SO.

But now I have met her, and she is asexual... And I have never met someone asexual before... so there was no real way for me to look at it in a different way than what I just said. But what I realised quickly enough is that I care for her so much... and that after really 'talking' to my own heart, I saw, and felt that I was really fine with her not wanting to have sex. All of the things that we are able to share are enough for me!

Of course I am a sexual person. And I do enjoy sex. And I know I have told her that sometimes in my heart I wish we could have that. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that. But that doesn't mean I have to have that. And it doesn't mean I expect her to change. If it never happens, I am very fine with that.

One thing that frustrates me a lot sometimes is the fact that I can see, and hear that she is troubled by this so much... but I can't seem to do much to help her. I want to help her! I love her so much, and it pains me to see she's struggling so much.

And when she is so very troubled... she can be 'far away' to me, emotionally, and that sometimes makes it hard... Because I keep wondering what goes on inside of her... I want to help her, reach out... I want her to be happy... I want her to smile. I want her to enjoy all that she can enjoy.

And most importantly... :) I want our relationship to work out. She means the world to me.

I have no clue if I wrote all that I wanted to ... I tend to get a bit chaotic... :) but... I hope it helps, and maybe some of you would like to respond to my post. I'd appreciate that very much!

and sorry for the load of text :P

-Edwin

Awesome. If there were more people like you, Edwin, then a host a people would get better lives. Keep going, she'll probably appreciate your sensitivity by now. Good luck.

January 28, 2009

I'm not sure about men, but from a woman's point of view, sexuality is like our joker card that we can pull out sometimes when the need arises. Sexual men become putty in our hands when they are attracted to us and it's really frustrating and upsetting to never have that sort of reaction from the one you want it most from.
...

I end up resenting my partner a lot when he denies me sex. I feel like he is purposely hurting me. I feel like sometimes it is only about control for him - and he wants to be in control of the relationship - have the upper hand, etc... I become extremely upset when he knows how it makes me feel when he rejects me and he continues to do it.

Sexuality is the "joker card" you can pull out and it's frustrating for you to not get that reaction -- and yet you resent your partner and thinks "he wants to be in control of the relationship?"

So isn't the "joker card" a form of control?

That's what I got from it as well. "I'm angry at him for wanting to be in control because I should be able to make him my slave just by jiggling a little boob". I'd be pissed off if my partner used their body to manipulate me like that on purpose, and it seems like girls do it all the time. Whenever I see women in fiction pulling things like "If you don't do this, I'll withhold sex" or purposefully lead a guy to think they'll be with him if he does X. It infuriates me and makes me wonder how any women who do that could have the gall to say something they use as a bargaining chip is an expression of love and affection.

Monkey13- would you pause and look at how you come off? Your biggest argument with his rejection seems to be that you can't control him and he can control you. Not that you feel he doesn't love you for it, or that you feel unnattractive, but that you've lost your advantage. Wouldn't it be better for both of you, and your relationship, to explain to him that sometimes you'd like him to do things for you instead of having to manipulate him into doing something he doesn't want to? Wouldn't you feel better knowing that he'd be doing it because he cares for you, not because he just wants to get in your pants and might not give a damn about you beyond that?

February 10, 2009

(MONKEY13 @ Jan 21 2009, 10:18 PM)
I'm not sure about men, but from a woman's point of view, sexuality is like our joker card that we can pull out sometimes when the need arises.

Women (and men) who use sex as a "tool" just turn themselves into tools.

February 28, 2009

Hi,

I'm in a situation with my partner that has got me pretty mixed-up and upset. I'm a gay sexual male in my 20's, he's a few years younger, and when we met he seemed extremely sexual...aggressively passionate, even a bit rough sometimes. We seemed perfectly matched across the whole spectrum...personality, emotional needs, interests, and sexual chemistry, everything.

I feel like we did everything right. We talked about our feelings. We were completely, painfully honest with each other about everything. We decided not to have sex the right time - about two months into our relationship (and that wasn't due to lack of desire on either of our parts, it was a definite struggle to hold back).

As the relationship grew, I gradually realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We talked about it and he feels the same. We want the same things for our future together.

I guess I should say here that we've been together for about 9 months.

But I feel like...the more secure he became in the relationship, the less sexual he became. Penetrative sex became "not worth the preparation and mess", and became a once-a-week sort of thing. Then every other week. Then once a month. Once it became that rare it became one attempt a month but with that little practice it becomes much harder to accomplish without discomfort, and he always wants to stop almost as soon as it starts.

And other sexual contact diminished as well along the same timeframe. At first we would often perform fellatio on each other. Then he no longer wanted me to do that to him but enjoyed doing it to me. Then he no longer wanted me to touch him there at all, even playfully (I haven't been allowed to touch him there for more than a few seconds in a few months now). Then it got to where the only time something sexual would happen was if I started masturbating at night, he would be turned on by that, and would perform fellatio on me while masturbating, about once a week at most. Then...for the last couple months...nothing at all, except for the couple times he let me try to penetrate him. He won't even be in the room while I'm masturbating. He masturbates as well but only if I'm not home or if he can lock the bedroom door. He enjoys porn.

He also has become less and less interested in kissing...at first we would spend long stretches of time making out like teenagers. Then it became no tongue, and then even nibbling on the lips became an annoyance to him. Now we're down to pecks. What's perhaps worse are the occasional instances where he'll french kiss me a bit, and know he's doing it as a gift or reward to me (not for his own enjoyment).

He still gets extremely physically aroused whenever I'm trying to get him to do things. But it's like he doesn't like me causing him to become aroused, he doesn't want to be put in that mood anymore. He pulls away about the same time his body starts reacting - it's very frustrating and hurtful.

I've always been a very sexual person. Being able to get sex when I want it has become integrated into my self-image as well, I think. I know I'm attractive, and I'm pretty sure I'm his dream-guy physically and personally. And I know I still turn him on - he just won't do anything sexual with me. I don't know what to do. The longer this goes on the more I fantasize about doing things with others, but I also know that would hurt him and really damage our relationship. I can't seriously contemplate leaving him, I love him and want to marry him. But my vision of married life doesn't involve celibacy - I have serious doubts I could do that for the rest of my life.

It's hard to suggest a compromise in our sex life, because my sex drive is more reflective than predatory (I get off on knowing that I'm getting him off). He says he's open to having sex or doing sexual things with me but is never in the mood. And whenever I tell him I feel like the lack of sex is an important part of our relationship that's missing, he feels like I'm unhappy in the relationship and becomes depressed (and the topic disappears from the table while I work on making him feel better by reminding him how much I love him and how happy he makes me, etc). And the few times I've voiced my fears that this is something that could screw up our relationship in the long turn, he's accused me of holding our relationship over his head or threatening to break up with him if he won't do what I want, etc.

Can someone suddenly become asexual over six months? Can someone who is asexual honestly feel sexual tension towards someone they're attracted to, and want sex with them, but then have those feelings fade as they become more secure in the relationship?

I feel, like a couple of the other posters, like I've been tricked, trapped. I don't think I would have opened up my heart this way and become so attached if I knew this would have become a sexless relationship. But now that I have, on the false belief that there would be a sexual component too, I feel like the emotional and personal connection is more important than the sexual part so I could never leave him. But he doesn't understand that the sexual part is important too!!!

It's not fair!!! I should get both! Just because love is more important than sex doesn't mean I should have to give up sex for love! Don't I deserve both? If he can only give me one, I resent that because I feel like he led me to believe he'd give me both.

I understand if he really can't give me both, and didn't know that before, and it's not his fault. But he's not willing to seek any kind of remedy - he feels sex is unimportant and I should be content with only his love. And I am happy with his love. But I'm still young and attractive and horny, and I feel so unappreciated like a sports car that nobody's driving because they'd rather just keep it nice and shiny in the driveway.

I just don't know what to do...can anyone help?

March 4, 2009

It has been three years, and I can count on my fingers the number of times we have had sex. I feel like he must be getting it somewhere if he's not getting it here, and he thinks I am crazy and a nymphomaniac or something.
I feel so lonely and confused and frightened, all at the same time. I DO love him, and feel selfish that I wonder if perhaps we would be better off apart. Sex is important, and yet it's not impoartant ... just saying that is confusing!

I'm just not sure how to cope with this and make it work. The whole situation seems so completely unfair to both of us: my needs shouldn't always be denied and ridiculed and he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do.

Dear LIL - I know exactly how you feel - I am a sexual M with an asexual F - married with kids - with many of the same issues you describe.

I lived with years of frustration, feeling angry and rejected. A few months ago I came to the understanding that my wife was wired for asexuality and was never going to change. Coming to that understanding was actually helpful - peaceful and calming.

With that I stopped asking my wife for sex and found a lover. This lowered the tension in our house a lot. With the sexual tension off the table, my relationship with my wife has been quite good. My goal is to maintain a stable home for our kids as long as possible, and keep working to form some kind of an accomodation with my wife that works in the long term.

Well, obviously this is a lousy situation. As you say, it is heart breaking and it seems like no matter what we do it will be wrong.

I think the best you can do is somehow find a way to lower your frustration and then commit to a long struggle to work out your issues with your spouse.

God bless and good luck...

I am in the same situation that being my husband I believe is Asexual and I am very sexual and always have been. It always bothered me that I had to initiate sex. And even then it was just that."sex". We have talked about it and he believes I am oversexed because of my expereance and my exposure to sex in my youth. He said the thoughts of sex are not in his head on a daily basis. While growing up, his friends were all into girls cars and causing chaos. He was only interested in the cars and chaos. His friend said all the girls loved my husband as a teenager yet he paid them little mind. Now being married for two years, I can walk around the house naked without a response from him. Mind you he is straight as an arrow and pretty masculine. I am considering finding a lover as I have a feeling this mairrage will not last otherwise. I have been distant from him since our talk and don't know what he wants from me. I feel that my doing this is hurting him as he is very physical when it comes to cuddling and hugging, he cannot get enough of that. I also catch him staring at me smiling, he claims that he loves to watch me do anything from brushing my teeth to drooling in my sleep. There is no shortage of romantic love from him and I know he LOVES me. I love him so much yet I have this need he does not understand. The only thing I miss is the sex. :(

March 4, 2009

I have been distant from him since our talk and don't know what he wants from me. I feel that my doing this is hurting him as he is very physical when it comes to cuddling and hugging, he cannot get enough of that. I also catch him staring at me smiling, he claims that he loves to watch me do anything from brushing my teeth to drooling in my sleep. There is no shortage of romantic love from him and I know he LOVES me. I love him so much yet I have this need he does not understand. The only thing I miss is the sex. :(

You say he loves to cuddle, and he loves to watch you. Have you tried masturbating with him there, watching or cuddling you? That way you get your sexual release (plus cuddles and emotional connection) and he gets cuddles and eye candy, but no sex. It may or may not work for you, or him, but it works for my wife and I (I'm the sexual). We still have sex from time to time, too, but this helps fill the gaps which would usually be too long for my liking.

March 12, 2009

You've probably seen this before, as I've seen it about 20 times on the last 8 pages in this forum alone, what a wonderful place this is and how relieved I am to have found it. Though, I must admit, it's a little bittersweet.

I'd like to think that my fiance and I have made it this far in our relationship because we're both rather unorthodox, and, therefore, so is our relationship. You see, I met my beloved, I'll call him "T," online. We met when I was 17, and he was 19, in a yahoo chat room that we frequented. We had a ton of fun together in the chat room, he being one hilarious and care-free guy. He made me feel years younger than I'd felt before, my having a pretty rough childhood. Finally, becoming somewhat annoyed with other chatters who kept interrupting our fun, we switched over to instant messaging. Mind, at this time, we'd become very good friends, and were tied up with other people at the time. Then we became best friends, over the course of a year. He broke up with his girlfriend, and I was still addressing the last of the emotional scars I'd had with the previous relationship I was out of, and that's when it happened. Our love grew so perfectly, that I didn't even realize I was in love with him until it was too late. The transition was slow, from best friends to girlfriend and boyfriend, since we'd both heard horror stories about online relationships, but it worked. It worked for us, and it was amazing.

It's hard to say when exactly it was we decided that two years was enough apart. But I do recall it was during our longest time spent talking to each other on the phone, a grand total of 36 hours in one phone call. But that was when we decided I'd move to be with him. And after the final decision, he unofficially asked me to marry him.

So you see, our communication is great, if not perfect. For two years, that's all our relationship consisted of. Trust me, there's a lot to be desired if there is a pause and you're trying to form the words to make the expression on your face. After all, you can't blame him for not seeing it. Some may say it was foolish, as I was ridiculed for about 4 months before I left by co-workers. "What if he is nothing like you imagined?" "What if he's a sex-crazed lunatic? (HA!)" "What if he has a club-foot?" Were among some of the questions from the more directly concerned folks.

So it comes as no surprise that T was a virgin when I met him. I mean, met him face-to-face. By then I was 19, and he was 21. I had already packed all my belongings up, and shipped them 2 (or 3, depending on what line you draw) states over from where I did live. He made the plane ride out to meet me, and the next day we flew out together, to our new home.

Again, we took it slow. I've always believed you don't force anything with people, you just let it happen. Especially with a virgin. I was not, and knew how to take a hint ;). When it did, it was amazing. For him, and me. But after that, he sort of lost interest. He said he'd always thought his mind would change after he actually had sex, since he'd always heard it was some huge, life-changing experience. He'd never seen what the big deal was, but thought since he lacked the experience, that once he did, he'd fall in with everyone else. Poor guy.

One day after our third or fourth time, out of relaxed curiosity, I asked him what it felt like for him. He said it was "okay," which sent my mind reeling. I asked him how it could just be "okay." He said it feels good once he's into it, but he just didn't see the huge deal over it.

Now, before T, I was somewhat emotionally unstable, so having a negative sexual experience so early on in the physical aspect of our relationship knocked my self-esteem back a few pegs. But when I expressed my feelings (in the form of blubbering all over him ^_^ ), he assured me countless times that he was still madly in love with me.

From then on, I've asked him all sorts of questions, trying to figure out if it's a medical issue, or a psychological one. For a while there, we thought there was something wrong with his thyroid, but tests came back negative. The thought that comforted me some nights was that this might be a fixable condition, that maybe he's repressing sexual desire, like a bottler does with emotions, and one day it will just explode into uncontrolled sexual desire. No laughing :P.

I just still didn't get it. How could he love me as much as he says he does and not want to SHOW me? He knew before we met that sex, to me, is like the ultimate way to say "I love you." It's like that song "More Than Words" by Extreme. But I had no idea what he was saying, even when he was explaining it as best as he possibly could.

There were a couple of times when things went from one extreme to the other. There was one time, upon asking, he told me he thought I was a nympho. That really hurt. If anything, I have a rather picky schedule outside of this guy! But this was early on, and he thought he had a regular sex drive, and I had to ask someone else if it was too demanding and unnatural to want sex more than once in two weeks. Then, there came a time when I would ask, and every time I did, he'd give. I started feeling as if things were getting onto the right track, when finally one night I asked, and he almost burst into tears. He told me that he never wants to deprive me something I want, never wants to tell me no, but it was just way too much to handle, as many times as I was asking. I told him "I'm asking. If you don't want to, just say no. It's not like my feelings will be hurt. I won't go throw a huge fit because you told me no. I'll just ask tomorrow ^_^ ." He has seemed a lot more relaxed now, though somewhat annoyed that I ask all the time. It's all a matter of when he feels in the right enough mind to do it that we do.

Mind you, I was still in pursuit of finding something to make things easier on us. Sexual frustration is a lot to hold in check. So doing some more research, I came across this site. It explained so much, and made me feel more confident that yes, he really means it when he says he loves me. But it also made me realize exactly what I'd been putting him through. He had made excuses a lot back at the beginning, especially when I wasn't feeling as secure as I am now. I chalked half of them up as laziness. He told me once he sees it as a chore. Why didn't I listen? Why wasn't I taking it at face value? Why was I always looking for a hidden, obscure condition? Why couldn't I just accept him for who he is?

I suppose I harbor more guilt upon discovering this site. I've read a ton of stuff to T in the past couple of days from this site. He's laughed, gotten thoughtful, and I think he's resolved to calling himself asexual. After all, a lot of his close friends know about our lack of sex, and they either thought he was gay or there was an underlying medical condition. Now we can explain to them that he's just fine the way he is, as an asexual.

Now comes a rather big question, and something I'd like feedback from other asexuals. T and I have got a talk coming up about how we're to compromise. I don't want to keep annoying him with asking for sex. He doesn't like sex, doesn't like me asking, and won't go for any mutual or otherwise masturbation. I hope to come to a compromise where, if we rule sex out entirely, there could be some form of masturbation on my part that he could help along, my ideal time limit being once every 1 or 2 weeks. Does that sound like a fair or typical asexual compromise? Or would that be asking too much of him? I'm hoping if the pressure is off about having sex, he'll be more willing to help me.

I know, he'll probably have a different take on things, as everyone's "line" is in a different spot. But I have to start my compromise somewhere, and I don't exactly have a road map where I'm going. I know we'll be able to live with this. I love my T too much to just leave him high and dry. Since we've overcome 2 (or 3) states together, I know this is no big thing, and we can solve this without breaking a sweat. And if 3 years since we moved in together hasn't built up any strength from me, then I'd have called it quits a long time ago.

And uh...sorry for throwing up with my life story...

March 13, 2009

Hi csmcvisn, and welcome! :cake:

Firstly, let me say that I think that you've got this problem half beaten by taking the path of acceptance and not blame.

Now comes a rather big question, and something I'd like feedback from other asexuals. T and I have got a talk coming up about how we're to compromise. I don't want to keep annoying him with asking for sex. He doesn't like sex, doesn't like me asking, and won't go for any mutual or otherwise masturbation. I hope to come to a compromise where, if we rule sex out entirely, there could be some form of masturbation on my part that he could help along, my ideal time limit being once every 1 or 2 weeks. Does that sound like a fair or typical asexual compromise? Or would that be asking too much of him? I'm hoping if the pressure is off about having sex, he'll be more willing to help me.

That sounds possible to me, but "a fair or typical asexual compromise" isn't really a useful concept, any more than a "normal sexual relationship" is. Still, it's probably a good starting off point. The pressure aspect is tricky. His first reaction to no pressure may well be to relax into a sexless state that works best for him. Then if you point out after some time that that's not working for you, does that constitute pressure? It's a potential minefield, and may be best approached by offering to take, say, a month off sex, then agree to reevaluate things.

One thing I found was that because my wife didn't connect sex with anything emotional, she didn't grasp how sex was any different to solo masturbation, and so to her the suggestion that I take care of my drive without involving her at all was a reasonable one, whereas to me being alone during orgasm just highlighted the how much I missed the togetherness aspect of sex that I enjoy so much. Once I managed to explain to her that as a heterosexual I actually had a drive for partnered expression of sexuality, things improved, and we now have a compromise that includes much of what you described, and blocks sex-free time, and occasional sex.

One of the things that discovering asexuality also really helped is we've always seen each other's sexuality as vaguely ridiculous. My wife thinks I'm a slave to my hormones, and I think it's weird to be able to shrug off an orgasm and say "so what?". Before accepting that we viewed sex and sexuality very differently, expressing that we thought the other was being weird about something sexual was usually taken as an accusation. Now, it's more of an in-joke, and we can both laugh about how our compromises get us both to places we wouldn't necessarily have gone on our own. I can't begin to describe how being able to laugh about where we are sexually, even during sex, has helped draw us back closer together.

Anyway, good luck, and if your fiance can be as accepting of your sexuality as you are of his, I'm sure you'll be fine :)

March 15, 2009

Olivier, thanks for the cake! :)

That is a great idea. I'm not sure how another month without sex will fair for me (I'm on my 5th), but I think this talk, and the start of something will pull the pressure cooker off! Thank you so much for your quick response, and the awesome feedback :).

Hopefully one day our relationship might resemble you and your wife's :). Thanks again!

March 15, 2009

When we hit crisis point I was in my sixth month without sex. But really, there was such stress around the subject (and I was responsible for my fair share of that) that anything approaching good sex was out of the question anyway. It was sort of a relief not wondering when it might come, since I was dreading what might happen if we actually had sex, but it was a disaster that only drove a wedge further between us.

March 21, 2009

Hello!
I've got a quick question that I didn't think waranted its own thread, so here goes.

I know romance novels aren't the best place to find info on sexual relationships, but I've been reading them and something's been bugging me. Whenever the main characters, who are in the relationship in question, get in the same room the only thing they can think about is each other's bodies and sex. I mean, the only time they seem to be able to have a coherent thought is when they are in separate rooms.

I was wondering, is that really how it is with a brand new relationship or is that a bit overexaggerated?

Everything in romance novels is way over exaggerated, as has been stated previously, but I wanted to relate my story of the first boy I ever fell in love with. I met him in the Army, a year to the day after the first girl I ever fell in love with dumped me. We'll call him . . . Bob.

So, after knowing Bob a total of . . . a week, or maybe less, I found I couldn't stop thinking about him. I went to sleep one night thinking about him, and was still thinking about him when I woke up. He gave me tinglies in my tummy normally only produced whilst in the middle of a sudden roller coaster drop, I was giddy all the time, I started to dress in more figure-accentuating clothes when out of uniform, and my face hurt at the end of each day because every time I thought about him, I got a huge grin on my face, and I was always thinking about him. I skipped around singing love songs to myself, daydreamed about him, wanted to hold and hug and kiss and snuggle with him.

What I didn't want was to have sex with him. It never crossed my mind unless my male friends were saying "Why don't you just say, 'Hey, Bob, let's get a hotel room?'" But I didn't want sex from Bob. Even thinking about him whilst masturbating didn't work. But oh boy, was I head-over-heels in love with the guy!

Long story short, religious differences meant he was unwilling to give a relationship a try, and I had to force myself to run whenever I saw him walking in my direction. Didn't see him for a year, but when we met again, I was once more head-over-heels for him, and once more things didn't work out (horribly, in fact). Three years later I found him on MySpace with by-then predictable results on my end, we started talking, one day he stopped responding to my messages . . . and it's been over a year since we last spoke. We both have issues that contribute, but still.

Anyway, my point is that when you're extremely attracted to someone romantically, you simply can't stop thinking about them and for me, I was all over Bob (non-sexually, though I'm sure it looked different to onlookers) whenever he was around, hugging him, laying my head in his lap, unsolicited backrubs . . . yeah, I was gone on the guy. If I'd had a sexual attraction to him? Or if he'd acted on his admitted attraction to me? Good gods, I shudder to think about what might have gone on!

So . . . similar to the romance characters, I couldn't stop thinking about Bob's aesthetic appeal (that just sounds much more non-sexual than 'physical appeal') or how much I enjoyed being around him, and was known to drop everything in an instant in favour of his company. The same thing can happen with sexual attraction, I suppose.

Actually, my friend Kevin is poly, and he told me that with one of his friends, if they're in the same room together, it's almost impossible for them to keep their hands off of each other.

It's all about compatibility and the level of attraction, I guess. ^_^

May 6, 2009

I think what is missing in many conversations is the presumption of monogamy within a relationship with an asexual. Monogamy between a sexual and an asexual is a form of BDSM, I think, or it's a form of tolerated abuse, in the same way that some abused women stay in abusive relationships, making excuses for their abuser, or simply for practical reasons. (no job skills; love of the children.)

Having lived in a relationship with an asexual for 20 years, I've begun to find this situation to be abusive. I'm trying to get her to read this site, to see if she is willing to self-identify as asexual, so I can figure out what to do next. My wife and I are good friends, we have two special needs kids we're raising together, I've made choices to work part time to take care of them; divorce doesn't seem to work for us as an option, but I'm tired of the once a month (or two) pity sex. It eats away at your self-esteem in a way that I suspect asexuals have a difficult time understanding. (Perhaps it's akin to an asexual being forced to have sex by a partner; maybe that is the analog.)

My wife experienced a brief period of sexuality a few years back, when we were close to divorce; it really seemed like she was sexually interested, and she said she was. Ou relationship somehow 'rebooted' to it's beginings. I wonder if there's a reflex, a response, in some women to be sexual during courtship and for that interest to die back to nothing in a few years.

About one third of women report a loss of sexual desire in their 30s and 40s. There's no treatment. Seeing the condition as normal, and adopting an asexual identity is one way to go. This drives a healthy thriving sex trade of course, and turns a third of all men into villains for something they have no control over; no more control over than the asexual person. My feeling is that the culture should drop the presumption of monogamy for men in this situation; asexual women should understand this. You identify as asexual, your husband identifies as sexual, accept some form of polyamory or get a divorce; anything in between is a nightmare for the sexual person who isn't suffering from low self esteem.

All in all, it is a horrible and depressing situation. Excruciatingly painful. Perhaps divorce is the answer for me, or negotating some sort of arrangement. It was the discussion of this that seemed to trigger my wife's sexual response. I haven't wanted to go there for years. It feels coercive and mean; but the relationship is beging to again feel abusive.

My wife has no desire to have sex/initate sex, will have sex once a month or so when I can get the kids out of the house, always has an orgasm, and says that after sex she experiences no afterglow or positive feelings of any sort. That sounds like an asexual response to me. Am I wrong?

I was able to get the kids out of the house for the first time in 3 months or so, and I hugged her and asked, "What would you like to do?"

She answered honestly, "Take a nap."

We had sex. I'm sort of hoping for the last time. I don't think I can take it anymore. I battle with clinical depression. This doesn't help. Time for another gut wrenching potentially life changing, ruining really, conversation. I dont' want to make it while depressive, but as the situation depresses me, I don't see as I have much choice.

May 6, 2009

It has been three years, and I can count on my fingers the number of times we have had sex. I feel like he must be getting it somewhere if he's not getting it here, and he thinks I am crazy and a nymphomaniac or something.
I feel so lonely and confused and frightened, all at the same time. I DO love him, and feel selfish that I wonder if perhaps we would be better off apart. Sex is important, and yet it's not impoartant ... just saying that is confusing!

I'm just not sure how to cope with this and make it work. The whole situation seems so completely unfair to both of us: my needs shouldn't always be denied and ridiculed and he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do.

Dear LIL - I know exactly how you feel - I am a sexual M with an asexual F - married with kids - with many of the same issues you describe.

I lived with years of frustration, feeling angry and rejected. A few months ago I came to the understanding that my wife was wired for asexuality and was never going to change. Coming to that understanding was actually helpful - peaceful and calming.

With that I stopped asking my wife for sex and found a lover. This lowered the tension in our house a lot. With the sexual tension off the table, my relationship with my wife has been quite good. My goal is to maintain a stable home for our kids as long as possible, and keep working to form some kind of an accomodation with my wife that works in the long term.

Well, obviously this is a lousy situation. As you say, it is heart breaking and it seems like no matter what we do it will be wrong.

I think the best you can do is somehow find a way to lower your frustration and then commit to a long struggle to work out your issues with your spouse.

God bless and good luck...

I am in the same situation that being my husband I believe is Asexual and I am very sexual and always have been. It always bothered me that I had to initiate sex. And even then it was just that."sex". We have talked about it and he believes I am oversexed because of my expereance and my exposure to sex in my youth. He said the thoughts of sex are not in his head on a daily basis. While growing up, his friends were all into girls cars and causing chaos. He was only interested in the cars and chaos. His friend said all the girls loved my husband as a teenager yet he paid them little mind. Now being married for two years, I can walk around the house naked without a response from him. Mind you he is straight as an arrow and pretty masculine. I am considering finding a lover as I have a feeling this mairrage will not last otherwise. I have been distant from him since our talk and don't know what he wants from me. I feel that my doing this is hurting him as he is very physical when it comes to cuddling and hugging, he cannot get enough of that. I also catch him staring at me smiling, he claims that he loves to watch me do anything from brushing my teeth to drooling in my sleep. There is no shortage of romantic love from him and I know he LOVES me. I love him so much yet I have this need he does not understand. The only thing I miss is the sex. :(

May 6, 2009

that experience of love and affection must be consoling and confusing. My wife stopped smiling at me years and years ago. I get a blank expression or an expression of disgust when I do or say something stupid or make a dumb joke. she laughs sometime, too, when I make a funny one. She kisses me goodbye, ritualistically. That's nice. A dry kiss now and then.

I don't know if this forum is making me sadder or helping me build up the will to do something about my situation.

May 6, 2009

Hello :)

I suggest you to copy your post and make a new thread in this section, so you'll probably get more responses.

I think you should talk to her first, because divorce is a serious step that may affect not only you and your wife. You said you are good friends, I think they can reach a compromise then.

It's hard to say what's on her mind, probably her libido is lower because of aging or there's another hormonal change and she should see a doctor.

Good luck :)

May 9, 2009

Many of the posts in this thread talk about compromise as if getting sex once in a while is adequate. It's not. Sex is not about just the mechanics. It's about shared mutual desire for sensual pleasure. Mercy/ obligation sex doesn't really count for anything. It is at best a pale sad reminder of what might have been.

The quote that ticked me off the most:

"I spent 18 years "tolerating " his sexual appetite

Are you kidding me? It is absolutely cruel to be in a relationship which is dependent upon denial and frustration to survive. Asexuals don't give up anything to be with sexuals. Whereas sexuals have to live with a constant gnawing hunger that cuts to the fiber of their being. Everyday is a reminder of what is denied. You have to be a martyr or a masochist to be trapped in that kind of relationship or be borderline asexual yourself. Remember it's not about the sex it's about the desire as well as the physical sensations and release.

To make you asexuals understand, imagine this scenario.

Imagine that you were always hungry and the only food you were allowed to eat was tasteless and odorless and just provided you with enough nutrition to keep you from starving. That is the sexuals life with an asexual. If you had any mercy you would separate and just be friends.

May 12, 2009

It is absolutely cruel to be in a relationship which is dependent upon denial and frustration to survive.

Perhaps it is cruel to be in a relationship which is dependent on anything to survive.

Whereas sexuals have to live with a constant gnawing hunger that cuts to the fiber of their being. Everyday is a reminder of what is denied.

Who creates this constant gnawing hunger? Who creates this feeling of being denied?

You have to be a martyr or a masochist to be trapped in that kind of relationship or be borderline asexual yourself. Remember it's not about the sex it's about the desire as well as the physical sensations and release.

But you don't need to be in a relationship to experience the physical sensations and release. So what is left? The desire? Are you in a relationship to feel desirable? Do you choose another person in hopes that they will reflect what you want to feel about yourself? Have you never fashioned yourself a desirable person by yourself, or do you need constant confirmation from others? Why do you feel you are lacking and why are you a martyr to this image of yourself as a person who lacks his own sense of desirability?

Imagine that you were always hungry and the only food you were allowed to eat was tasteless and odorless and just provided you with enough nutrition to keep you from starving. That is the sexuals life with an asexual.

So you are dependent on others to bring flavor and color to your life ... because you can't feel it on your own. Was your life always like this? Shouldn't the joy of living come from within?

The happiest of couples are made up of two people who lived freely and independently before they met and feel happy and content within themselves. They see each other as a bonus to their lives instead of a crutch. They look out at the world together and are ready to grab life by its tail. They don't look to each other to fill a void or emptiness. They have everything they could possibly want plus someone who loves being a part of their life. They give love to each other and don't even worry about what is denied. They appreciate the other growing and changing as they travel through life because they experience these things too. Life in a relationship can be a wonderful thing if each person already feels wonderful within themselves.

We really can't blame others, whether they be asexual or not, whenever we ourselves feel like masochists. That feeling is created from within.

May 18, 2009

(Perhaps it's akin to an asexual being forced to have sex by a partner; maybe that is the analog.)

It's unbarebly painful, makes you suicidal, causes you to curl into a ball and beg for the sweet release of death? Y'know, if that's the case- you really should've gotten out of there ages ago. (no, this isn't true for all asexuals- but from past experience it's the closest estimation as to what would happen if anyone ever forced me to have sex).

My feeling is that the culture should drop the presumption of monogamy for men in this situation; asexual women should understand this.

No, it shouldn't. Society should drop the presumption of monogamy for all Polyamorous people. If you're only poly because you aren't getting laid- you aren't poly. You just want sex. Get out of that relationship and find a sexual woman to be monogamous with.

You identify as asexual, your husband identifies as sexual, accept some form of polyamory or get a divorce; anything in between is a nightmare for the sexual person who isn't suffering from low self esteem.

Have you talked to your wife? Have you made it clear that you want sex and the situation isn't working- how long have you spent trying to find a compromise that leaves both of you satisfied? People have found solutions, they just had to try first. Now, maybe, if you genuinely are poly- that's the answer for you, and you'll be happy with that. But if you aren't poly and just see this as the only way to get your needs met, then you need to try communicating and then consider filling the divorce papers.

Polyamory isn't the answer to a failing relationship- it's not there so you can get a need (unless that need is the need to be polyamorous) fulfilled or so that you don't have to communicate with your partner. The only time you should start a polyamorous relationship is when your current dyad is strong and healthy. And if you can't get that- you need to break up, not add some poor sap to the problem. Ultimatums shouldn't be involved- it shouldn't be "accept polyamory or get out", but "I'm polyamorous, thi sis who I am, and it's what I want. I lvoe you, you're important to me- this doesn't mean you don't fulfill me. Now what do we need to do so that it's okay with you? Are there any rules you need to set? What do you want to know? "

My wife has no desire to have sex/initate sex, will have sex once a month or so when I can get the kids out of the house, always has an orgasm, and says that after sex she experiences no afterglow or positive feelings of any sort. That sounds like an asexual response to me. Am I wrong?

Not all asexuals orgasm- quite a few can't even get turned on. On the other hadn, there are those who quite enjoy sex.

It doesn't sound like your wife experienced a period of being sexual- it sounded like she realized this was a problem because you brought up divorce and pushed herself to act sexual to avoid that.

June 18, 2009

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?
Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

I am not sure if I can help in anyway, but my partner is asexual. I however am not. We have found that having a very open communication line makes things a lot better. If we have a question about something we just ask. We don't take o fence to it. No matter what the question maybe. Like she was concerned that I might be missing out on something. That I felt as thou I was left out of something. After talking about it she felt ten times better and I was also allowed to explain how I felt about it. We have made our relationship into a type that is a friendship but closer. She understands me on levels that no one else is even willing to try. I have had many relationships in my time. I must say thou I would not give up what I have with her for a min of sex. No matter who I got to sleep with. I truly be leave that sex can damage relationship. We have been seeing each other for almost a year and things are going great!

June 18, 2009

I think what is missing in many conversations is the presumption of monogamy within a relationship with an asexual. Monogamy between a sexual and an asexual is a form of BDSM, I think, or it's a form of tolerated abuse, in the same way that some abused women stay in abusive relationships, making excuses for their abuser, or simply for practical reasons. (no job skills; love of the children.)

I really, really don't think I'd go as far as equating a sexual/asexual relationship with a deliberately manipulative, controlling, abusive relationship. Pardon my language, but asexuals don't deny sexuals sex just for shits and giggles.

Having lived in a relationship with an asexual for 20 years, I've begun to find this situation to be abusive. I'm trying to get her to read this site, to see if she is willing to self-identify as asexual, so I can figure out what to do next. My wife and I are good friends, we have two special needs kids we're raising together, I've made choices to work part time to take care of them; divorce doesn't seem to work for us as an option, but I'm tired of the once a month (or two) pity sex. It eats away at your self-esteem in a way that I suspect asexuals have a difficult time understanding. (Perhaps it's akin to an asexual being forced to have sex by a partner; maybe that is the analog.)

I end relationships where I'm poked and prodded to have sex. Being guilt-tripped into doing something I find distasteful? What person who loves me would do that?

Assuming you're heterosexual, what if your wife only got off on you having sex with another man? Could you do it, something you find inherently a turn-off?

My feeling is that the culture should drop the presumption of monogamy for men in this situation; asexual women should understand this. You identify as asexual, your husband identifies as sexual, accept some form of polyamory or get a divorce; anything in between is a nightmare for the sexual person who isn't suffering from low self esteem.

And where does that leave the asexual? Forced to sit out on the sidelines while their spouse goes off to get screwed by someone else, boiling the worth of the relationship down to nothing but sex? That's not fair. That's not right. You shouldn't have to live without some form of physical intimacy, but we shouldn't have to stand meekly by and watch the people we love, the people we're committed to, go get their kicks somewhere else. That's a nightmare for us, one that I personally struggle with. I'm afraid to get into a relationship because it's been my experience that a guy's going to drop me the moment someone who puts out comes along.

All in all, it is a horrible and depressing situation. Excruciatingly painful. Perhaps divorce is the answer for me, or negotating some sort of arrangement. It was the discussion of this that seemed to trigger my wife's sexual response. I haven't wanted to go there for years. It feels coercive and mean; but the relationship is beging to again feel abusive.

You're right, threatening divorce if your wife doesn't have sex with you is coercive and mean, hugely so. She wasn't having sex because she wanted to, she was having sex so she wouldn't lose you; that's not right. You did what you felt you had to do, but there's so much more you can do that I don't think you've thought of.

How much talking about sex do you do with your wife? Not, "Do you want to have sex tonight?", but really talking, questions such as, "You obviously don't care for sex, but it's an important, loving, bonding experience for me; what sort of sexual activity would you be comfortable with on a regular basis?"

You didn't say, but it doesn't sound to me like you've done much to find a way to be intimate that doesn't involve penis-in-vagina sex. Does your wife masturbate? If she does, would she mind you watching and/or holding her whilst she does? What about mutual masturbation? Does she go for cuddling? When you threatened to leave and she started having sex with you, was there a certain mood that she preferred?

Relationships aren't about 50/50 compromises; they're about finding what works best for the relationship itself and the people in it. If you go 50/50, both of you are going to end up frustrated and resentful --- her, because she has to do something she quite probably needs not to do, and you, because you can't do something you need to do.

You're trying to get her to read this site, which is good. Please don't make it seem like you think she has an issue; she appears perfectly fine with being asexual, and I know that for me, nothing's more frustrating than to be told I've got a problem when I'm perfectly comfortable with whatever the "problem" is. The way I described it to my father is that sexuality's a bell curve; 99% of the population has some form of sexual desire for other people, from very low desire to sex addicts, but, at the other extreme, there are people who don't want sex at all. Sometimes sexual desire or lack of it is a problem, sometimes it's not. Find out where you both are in the bell curve, and find out what activities she'd be comfortable with. It can't be just about satisfying your needs, nor can it be just about satisfying hers, but you two need to find some way to talk about it. Heck, don't even bring up asexuality if she's not currently open to the idea, just explain that you love her, and don't want to back her into a corner or force her to do something she's truly uncomfortable with, but a sexual expression of your love for her, and of her love for you, is very important to you, and ask what activities she might be comfortable participating in. Make a list beforehand, if you need to.

Here's some more tl;dr TMI about my personal life as a reference: I don't want to have sex with anybody but myself, and even then, not that often. However, I understand that sex, as ridiculous an activity as it is, is very important to most people and, if I'm ever in another relationship, will probably be important to whomever my partner is. In the past I've been dead-set against anything but tongue-less kissing and cuddling, simply because anything more makes me very uncomfortable. However, I've come to the conclusion that it's horribly selfish of me to not give more to a relationship that's worth it, just as it's horribly selfish of a partner to demand that I put out when I really don't want to. My last relationship wasn't worth it, and he was demanding, so I broke it off. However, I'm interested in a man currently, and if the relationship were to go further emotionally on both our ends, and sex was brought up, I can see, if I was comfortable enough with him, engaging in some form of sexual activity with him. He'd had to get used to me giggling a lot through it, but I think that I could manage, simply because, at that point, he and the relationship would be worth it. It could be fun. We might have sex once in a while, not because he threatened to leave, but because we would have talked about it thoroughly, and it would be understood that having sex once wouldn't mean he got sex all the time.

Sexual/Ace relationships can work; they just take a lot more effort, understanding, and communication than most other relationships. I really hope that you and your wife can work something out that you're both comfortable with.

June 20, 2009

I think what is missing in many conversations is the presumption of monogamy within a relationship with an asexual. Monogamy between a sexual and an asexual is a form of BDSM, I think, or it's a form of tolerated abuse, in the same way that some abused women stay in abusive relationships, making excuses for their abuser, or simply for practical reasons. (no job skills; love of the children.)

I really, really don't think I'd go as far as equating a sexual/asexual relationship with a deliberately manipulative, controlling, abusive relationship. Pardon my language, but asexuals don't deny sexuals sex just for shits and giggles.

I believe that ejayo meant it both ways (or I HOPE they did), because a sexual forcing their partner to fulfill their needs is essentially rape or "consensual rape". I've seen several other people who had the same idea- demanding the sexual to give up sex is as abusive as demanding the asexual have sex.

This, however, doesn't take into account asexuals who like sex, the many compromises that are possible, etc, and is a far over-simplified and generalized view.

June 20, 2009

My feeling is that the culture should drop the presumption of monogamy for men in this situation; asexual women should understand this. You identify as asexual, your husband identifies as sexual, accept some form of polyamory or get a divorce; anything in between is a nightmare for the sexual person who isn't suffering from low self esteem.

And where does that leave the asexual? Forced to sit out on the sidelines while their spouse goes off to get screwed by someone else, boiling the worth of the relationship down to nothing but sex? That's not fair. That's not right. You shouldn't have to live without some form of physical intimacy, but we shouldn't have to stand meekly by and watch the people we love, the people we're committed to, go get their kicks somewhere else. That's a nightmare for us, one that I personally struggle with. I'm afraid to get into a relationship because it's been my experience that a guy's going to drop me the moment someone who puts out comes along.

I don't know if that's fair - if the worth of the relationship was nothing but sex, wouldn't the sexual spouse have already left? I know there is a lot of mixed emotion, confusion and frankly cowardice when it comes to that stage in a relationship where things are over but not yet gone, but that have to be the case here?

And it's not necessarily just sex - even if an asexual partner is willing to compromise and engage in the act that might not be enough. To quote a cheesy song, "I want you to want me, I need you to need me" - as a sexual, I need to feel desired. Sometimes I want to be pursued - sometimes I want my partner to be the initiator. And every time, I need to feel that she wants this and wants to be here with me. She may not be capable of that.

From your experience, it sounds like most of the time if someone were to say "I'm looking for a sexual relationship outside of you", that means they're looking for someone "better" than you, and when they find them you'll be replaced. What if a partner came to you and said:

"I love you, and I never want to leave. You make me happy 90% of the time. But that other 10% that you can't provide is very important to me, and I'm not sure I can go on forever without it. I know this frustrates you, too, and that frustration makes us both unhappy. I don't want to do something desperate and stupid that will hurt you. I don't want to replace you. Can we find a way where I can look for that 10% that doesn't hurt you? And if there is anything that you need to be 100% happy, I want to help you find that as well."

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My wife and I had this conversation the other night - we decided to put off the question of an open relationship until after a few other options, but I wanted to let her know what I was thinking and feeling now, and reassure her that no matter what happens I did I still love her. I'm also starting to wonder if the way I feel about this is a bit weird - if maybe I'm closer to being polyamorous that I would have ever thought.

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