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Rabger

To Sexual Partners

Recommended Posts

mkt

Edwin,

I wish you the best! You sound like someone with a very big heart who wants to love - and loves this special person very much. I think you are very lucky if the two of you can talk as you seem to be able to. I would encourage you not to judge her suffering or struggle - by this I mean simply that you may never relieve her struggle - it's not your job. She is the only one who can do that for herself. What you can do is show you care and stand by her. I hope you will, and I hope she stands by you. A sexual person with an asexual person has some unique relationship issues... build as much closeness and trust and love as you can, together. If you both put your best effort in, you can't help but become closer and love each other more and more. As a sexual person trying to have a relationship with an asexual male, I couldn't get my partner to try to compromise with me... so the relationship stagnated and faltered - not for lack of love, but for lack of flexibility on his part. These relationships can be very tough. I don't want to paint it all roses -- you may have some very hard moments ahead. But, at least you have the love between you to comfort you. That is a rare and precious thing. Consider yourself blessed, no matter what happens in the future.

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Gr8tlyLoved

If I can type through these tears I will take this opportunity to thank you all SO VERY MUCH. I am astounded, relieved, hopeful and grateful for finding this forum at such a critical time in my life. I heard about "asexuality" yesterday (from a teen no doubt). I then found this site today, and I joined my first forum a few moments ago, and I regained hope in my life this past two hours I have spent reading all these wonderful post. What a wonderful world we live in ;-)

A little info about the lives you have all just impacted with your honest and caring responses .....

I am a female sexual who has been married 18 years to the love of my life who I now believe to be "asesxual". He was my second marriage and I truly (still) believe He is a gift from God. He is a rare breed in every way and the closest thing I have ever seen to "perfection" in any man. Our kids, our friends, and our family all envy our relationship and comment on what amazing luck I had in landing a man like him. I would never have believed that I could strike gold twice in one lifetime so the thought of leaving him this past year has sent my life into a living hell.

I had finally come to the end of my rope that was worn to threads, and to explain the chain of events would take a novel. Suffice it to say that we have ran the gammet of emotions and treatments, and at one point I even became suicidal over this "problem". What is ao ironic is that part of me was holding on until the kids grew up and then I could explain things better. Now I have found a renewed hope when I was about to call it quits. It has never been an issue of my loving the man, it was an issue of not feeling "loved back". Even after 18 years he still gives me butterflies to see him smile.

But I was ready to give that up along with my career (inevitable), my self worth (I would hate myself in the end), and go against every belief I hold dear just to have a passionate sexual relationship again. The thought of feeling a passionate man kiss me with the taste of desire on his lips again was so intoxicating that I was positioned to do something we would all regret in the end until I read these post.

I now finally realize that my husbands lack of sexual desire has nothing to do with his love for me. I wanted to be wanted, and now I know that when he says he loves me he actually does. He has always protested his deep love and affection for me, but just never had a sexual longing to accompany that love. I have been operating under what I would assume is an all too common misconception that deep down he really could not possibly love me or he would "want" to have sex with me. Although we have had a wonderful relationship in every other aspect, this one area of lack has been tearing at my life for 18 years. I miss the passion and doubted the verasity of his feelings because of it.

We have had a "rollercoaster" ride of emotional turmoil from day one over our sexual incompatibility, and have both experienced numerous bouts of pain, anger, frustration and hopelessness, but a few nights ago I hit an all time high (or should I say low). I told him that we may need to consider the possibility of his being "gay" and although this was said as subtle as possible, I'm sure it hurt him tremendously. I'm so sorry for this now you can't imagine. I have nurtured this thought myself for quite some time now, but never actually said it out loud to him. I'm not as savvy as you all here, but for me to truly believe my husband to be gay was the last thread for me. It changed every dynamic of our relationship. Once this conclusion set itself in my mind, the rollercoaster ride began a permanent downhill plunge and was about to crash land and take a lot of lives with it.

This sight will offer us a way of learning and communnicating. I can now bring him here after I apologize for my ignorance and show him that we have a renewed hope. I thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart and again the tears are streaming so I must now sign off. Thank you, Thank you and in case you haven't got the gest of it yet .... THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH !!!!

(emotions tend to render my words redundant .... lol)

God Bless you all :wink:

Hopeful Again

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walrus

Gr8lyLoved, welcome and thank God you found this site. As a sexual married and deeply in love with an Asexual wife I can identify with everything you said. Although I never intimated that she was gay I harbored those thoughts. I only understood three types of sexual orientation ... hetero, homo and bi. This website taught me about the forth ... A.

It is only in the last few days that this forum was put together for those of us who are in such relationships. I hope that we can encourage and talk to each other and help each other to build solid relationships in spite of the tremendous difference in sexual orientation.

I am sure that the total ignorance of Asexuality has led to the destruction of many marriages and families. AVEN may play an important role in preventing one whole hell of a lot of human misery. Oh sure, I still hurt (sometimes very deeply) but at least I am understanding that this isn't anyone's fault and that it is not an irreconcillable labrynth.

Welcome and keep all of us apprised of where life is taking you ... you'll be in our thoughts and prayers ... but of course, you have to also keep the rest of us in yours.

I've noticed that some of the other forums offer folks cake and bread as a welcome. I guess on this forum we will just offer a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, so eat and drink and enjoy.

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Ereinion

Welcome Gr8lyLoved!!!

I am glad you have found AVEN. Good luck to the both of you!

I know it can be hard to have such a relation, I am experiencing it from the other site. I hope Aven can help you!!!

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Thereca

I am new to this idea. I found this after I posted elsewhere.

When I was out and about trying to be a straight gal as society dictates, i think i found myself feeling Asexual, I could care less about sex, Ihad a true disdain for it for being touched, i simply lived a life of doing what was expected of me my little wifely chore and when the act was over Icould not find enough hot water to rid myself of the nastiness that i felt from it , almost a sense of violated every time.

Later in life I came to the realization that I was inded a lesbian and all that changed for me but I could never find the right person to be with.

Three years ago I met a wonderful, romantic giving sharing caring woman and fell head over heels in love with her. I am not suggesting Asexuals are misgendere I dentifed or that they need the right person.. I just needed to tell how I felt.

The first thing that struck me about her was that she didnt want sex with me as a priority, and that was a relief for me the first months of our relationship consited of just holding each other close and tight with lots of kisses and I loves you snugglesd up. When sex finally happened (Initited by her) it was the greatest feeling I have ever had my whole life.. of course I wanted more.. but soon realized it was not coming or at least not as often as I wanted.

Thats not to say that we do not have andy.. at first it was like once a week then once every couple of weekds then once a month, and nowlike once every couple of months.

When it happens its glorious nothing in this world like it.. but i find I can't initiate it because most always I am told not and told that she knows where the touching and feeling will end up and she dont want to.

Some times I will admit it makes me feel llike a pervert because I want her and she isn't interested. She says she has never beeninto sex alot its not that she doesn't like it when it happens its just she doesnt seem or feel she needs it. She says she feels perfectly ok about not having it even for years and has gone that way many times in her life.. this includes all contact even masturbation which she simply doesn't do either. We are deeply committed and very much in love, our relationship consosts mostly of talking and snuggling and hand holding and gifting each other in many ways with very little sexual contact. i will admit sometimes on my part it isnt easy since meeting her I feel like I feel that window of wanting and needing sex is there I feel emotionally connected to her in that way, and I never doubt her love. Again it isn't easy but I am reserved to let her make the move if and when it happens and try to be patient until it is time again. Sex or no sex I can't imagine being with any one else, I am so in love with her and she is my best half. I found your site by accident, and I am glad I did because reading all the comments .. I realize that although this is for the asexual..so to speak .. I am not alone .. guess now I also learned how the other side felt all those years I tried to be straight, and I can understand how the asexual feels trying to be sexual.. Its not easy but I think now that there is a name to what is happening here I can see more sides to the box.

Be the change you wish to see in the world/ ghandi

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MJoergen
... while sex is important for the sexual, the relationship isn't dependant on it...

I'm dumb struck (sp?). As soon as I read your words, it suddenly seems so obvious, but I've just never considered it like that.

I've been married 12½ years, and we have two kids. Sex was never great except for the very beginning. My wife does not (like to) consider herself asexual, but there are nevertheless a number of similarities. This summer she told me (almost trembling with fear) that I should not expect any sex from her. "For how long" I asked, and she replied "indefinitely".

I did not feel anger, but rather immense sadness. I really love and respect her for being so forthright (sp?) with me. Gone were all the lousy excuses and the false hopes. We're still both suffering with a feeling of shame. She is shameful and feels inadequate as a wife, and I feel ashamed that I'm not able to arouse my wife sexually. So we both feel "broken". But at least we no longer blame each other for the situation. Now we have a common platform.

It's just I don't know how to live and prosper without sex. For me, sex is very much tied together with my joy and zest for life. The other day I had fantastic sex with another woman. Nothing I had planned on, but it has awoken feelings in me, that have been dorment for many years. It's selfish of me to have sex without my wife knowing, and clearly the situation can't remain like it is now.

Opening myself up to a woman and "letting go" of my control and showing myself without any masks or anything, that is just great. I wish I could share such a wonderful experience with my wife, but that just doesn't seem realistic.

I would feel VERY selfish if I divorced my wife just because of the difference in sexual desire, but I must remain true to myself, first and foremost.

I love my wife. However, I cannot envision myself being faithful in an asexual relationship. I'm simply not happy.

I don't have the answers right now, and for sure nobody can give them to me. I must find my own path, but it helps sharing with you guys.

Happy and sad and confused,

-Michael.

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mkt

If anyone remembers me, I had written quite abit last spring about my problematic relationship with my partner who refused ot have sex, saying he simply wasn't feeling sexual. I tried hard to understand and thought we could compromise or work it out.

finally after a clear honest talk he has told me he doesn't love me romantically anymore. Maybe at first it was some form of asexuality, I don't know, but I think now it was simply that he was already realizing he didn't love me sexually and the only way he knew how was to shut down (because he was sexual the first year). Sorry to post a failure story... it also serves as an example of how what looks like asexuality isn't always. Sometimes it is a problem between two people that manifests sexually.

(and I'm certainly not directing that at any particular posting on the list...)

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ECW

I have been married 25 years and now I know my husband is an asexual. 6 years ago he told me he could just live without sex. We have two children and I am very sexual. I was hurt and took his announcement personally. I withdrew and we only stayed married b/c of the children. I counted the years until I could get out. I am so happy to discover that this is who my husband is, there are lots of other asexuals and it is not me. I knew he was never crazy about sex...(listening to otherss) and as I said after we had two children he just lost interest.

About a year ago, I realized I really love my husband. We have a great time together....we also share many interests. I now pleasure my self with an array of vibrators and that takes care of my needs. My libido is dying down as well. So it looks like I will stay in this for the long haul...thanks to organizations like this...reaffirming that his asexuality is not a problem and the difficulties it has created for us as a couple can be overcome.

I still have lots of questions and would love to hear from other female partners of asexuals and how they cope...

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MaraKarina

Hi,

Actually never heard about asexuals until recently and just now found this forum. It was quite good to read the many posts, wished I would have found it years ago.

Met my husband 16 years ago, and during the first 1 1/2 years he was the most tender, loving, and sexual person you would find. Though, sometimes I felt he was "acting" a bit just like you find with some homosexuals who will talk about their many female friends. Then, my husband started losing interest in our sex life, little by little, always pretending that he was too tired that he had some stomach cramps etc. Of course, I would feel sorry for him, let him rest, etc.

Except for those times when I really despaired because I simply couldn't understand that a man has barely any interest in sex and assumed he had lost interest in me, felt I was unattractive, or that he had someone else, was gay, or whatever. When I would try to talk to him about my needs and what we might do to find a solution which was fine for both of us - and as I mentioned, I had absolutely NO clue it could be normal for a man to want sex almost never, he would either say he just didn't feel or or, at a later stage when we had sex not more often than 2 - 3 times in a year, start shouting at me that I was a sex maniac, that I was abnormal and that I should accept him as he was. Wonder what he thought why I stayed with him in spite of really suffering in that area.

For almost 8 years now, there has not been any sex at all. The first few years of these we led rather stressful lives with tons of overtime, buying a house, bad jobs (mobbing situations), and I was glad that my need for sex was lower so that I was better able to cope with the situation. As things got calmer again, about 4 years ago, I tried a discussion with my husband (which I had learnt to avoid as he would usually start shouting at me to avoid the subject). Tried to explain him that I really loved him - and still do - and wanted to respect him as he is but also asked him to see my part in it. As I in fact felt his neglecting me and my needs was similar to being raped, just that it was the opposite. I felt that he just didn't care for what my needs were and I wondered what was the matter with him or, if he had no desire for sex, why did he absolutely refuse to seek help?

At that point, for the first time ever, my husband made it clear that he had no need for sex at all and that I should not expect that to change. He felt it would be great if we would remain married and I just find someone else for sex.

To me that came as a shock. I experience sex as something physical but equally as a very close emotional link to a person. For me not having sex with my husband let our closeness suffer already, and I thought that having sex with someone else would make that worse.

This was followed by immense suffering on my part, slow recovery. During this time my husband distanced himself from me also regarding hugging etc. so I really felt unwanted, unloved, in despair. I was close to getting a divorce (something I wouldn't do lightly as I wouldn't easily go for extramarital sex as I am a Christian).

Just a little over a year ago, did we find a way out of the horrible times and are back to what I consider a good "friendship". But not more than that. My husband eventually understood that I'm suffering on and off and he must not consider this as trying to put pressure on him and therefore he must not shout at me. And I've eventually understood my husband is unlikely to have sex again.

I am now in the situation that I do love him and don't want to hurt him, but equally I do long for a partner with whom I can have a great, close relationship which includes sex. I kind of feel "in reallity divorced" from my husband, and married on paper only.

Mara

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MaraKarina

Reading more and more posts in this forum, I gradually begin to understand some of the differences between my asexual husband and me. Which is good and which hurts at the same time.

Part of why I always thought that my husband might not love me as he did in the beginning (when our sex life seemed to be ok) is that I looked at how I feel and transferred that to my husband. To me, there were very few men in my life who I really love(d) and with whom I'd loved to have sex, my husband being one of these. Not that the sexual feeling and need is not there if there is no one who I like this way, but I wouldn't actually want to have sex with anyone else.

And then there are people, men and women, who I like really a lot and with whom I'd like to spend a lot of time, and whom I'd like to support as much as I can but where some part is clearly "missing". And under no circumstances would sex be an option with these people. Nor would I ever be jealous if they had a sexual or other close relationship with another person. But with them, I don't feel as close as with the others, even if there is no relationship with the others.

Not knowing about axesuality I assumed that my husband must like me only as I like the people with whom I'd never want to have sex. Or liked me differently before which has been lost. I guess an asexual person may not have these differences? At least we've been unable to communicate them to each other.

Another issue throughout the time but especially during our really bad 2.5 years - were female business contacts who occasionally became friends and whom my husband would usually see without me. Some had elements where I felt neglected because of them, but his comments "it's business and I cannot afford not to have this meeting/dinner" were difficult to counter.

We had issues about this frequently, and it always went according a similar pattern:

I felt jealous, and he couldn't understand why I was jealous AGAIN. Assured me that there was nothing but friendship (or business contact he valued). And these women usually had or found boy-friends, got married and invited both of us to their wedding, had babies, etc. Yet, in some cases, not all of them, I even to this day have strange feelings of jealousy I couldn't really explain.

I was torn between somehow knowing he was right when he told me not to worry and that he was not having sex with them, and still feeling that these women are kind of taking my place.

Of course, if he's asexual - which everything points to - why would he want to have sex with another women? Bad enough I want sex again and again. It dawns on me that these female friends may in fact have been "affairs" he thoroughly enjoyed as they were completely without the pressure of having sex.

Which is something which hurts, gives me the feeling that I am the one of many who's stupid enough not to have a partner on top who meets her needs. I'm not trying to put all the blame on my husband here, but to me this forum opens a completely new world of understanding. Looking at our relationship/marriage again with this knowledge suddenly makes me understand things I'd for so long struggled to make sense of without success.

It's a relief to understand it better, and I've got a feeling it will eventually allow my husband and me to find some better mutual acceptance and inner peace, and also may allow me to open up for an additional or replacing (immediately or at some later point) relationship with a man to whom I am a very special person and not just one of many great women (because that's how I feel with my husband).

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mkt

Marakarina,

I really feel for you. I hope you can be happy with soem of yorunew insight and understanding, but I know it is a tough road. I tried to explain to mypartner once how his constant refusal of sex was like rape - it took into account his desires only (lack of) and ignore dmine. It turned me into a thing w/o feelings. It let him ignore my feelings and deny any accountability for creating the situation in which i was unhappy. Basically there was no "we" for us sexually - he had his asexuality and I had my sexuality and the two didn't intersect. To me, that is not a couple. I was even willing to seek sex elsewhere, but he said no (ironic eh?). Ultimatley, we failed because there was not enugh "we" in other aspects of our relationship. Perhaps you and your husband can create closeness in nonsexual ways that will satisfy you enough to be happy with him. I hope I don't sound like I am lecturing - you probbaly know all this. I just want to expess sympathy for your situation - it is a very trying situation for a sexual person to be with a nonsexual - and value the relationship and love very much, but be forced to be bury your own sexuality becaus eyoru partner won't compromise.

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MaraKarina

Hi mtk,

Thanks for your kind words; right now, with all I've read here and with remembering things while writing it up has really made me sad, brought up many many feelings.

I think the biggest problem is - and I am sure you know exactly what I mean - that I will always miss something about the relationship with my husband, although (now that we haved overcome the bad times) there are many things we do have in common and I could go and find another man to have sex.

But, to be honest, I didn't consider him generous, I felt like that was like being slapped in the face. That, I understand probably also because of the way I feel, i.e. I would never tell him go have sex with someone else unless I would NOT care for him except as a mere good friend.

The other man would have to be someone really special - just as I think my husband is really special. But then: I guess that will lead to separation from my husband eventually. Because of the closeness I would share with the other one, the wish to see that person wake up, to spend time together.

I can feel the wall that has built up over the time since my husband has stopped sex, and I've tried a million times and ways, but I cannot tear down this wall or jump over it. I feel each time I try to build stairs so we get closer again, my husband adds another row of bricks ...

At least, and that is a huge step forward, I have regained my confidence - as others have written, I'd lost lots of that! - and I am open again to whatever solution presents.

Enjoy your week-end!

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Pixie

I am sexual. (I at least believe so. Haven't had a chance to really test it) Its either that or I have a little bit higher interest that my husband. You see, he was my first boyfriend. We are like soul mates. We have been together for 5 years, this april. I will have known him 6 years this may. We got married this past august. I always thought he had a low libido or I wasn't wearing the right lingerie. But a friend mentioned about asexualism. Its nice to know it isn't in our heads. We love each other to pieces. We have so many things in common, its like having a best friend 24/7. Yeah we both talked the sex issue to death. We aren't keen on kids, and I respect he has a low interest. So we have a common ground. We hug lots and the relationship is very intimate. Lots of cuddles. Everyone around us think we are nuts. People most of the time think we are lying. We get advice, ppl give me lingerie gift certificates and his friends think he is gay. Friends try to convince me to put viagra in his food. Its really sad ppl do not understand. I felt much better finding this site and just reading and its nice to know ppl understand. I figure, when you love someone so deeply that sex is just icing on the cake. Its not necessary but hey if it happens cool.

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sonofzeal

Way to go Pixie!

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HolyScarab

Hello people.

Well, i'm really new to the forum, but i do have a very sad and gothic REAL story that happened to me and i want you to read. You're the only who are going to understand. Probably...

I found a really beautiful, talentous girl and i fell in love with her...and she fell in love with me too. We were meant to be, i loved her more than my life, i play the guitar and she sang in a goth metal band. And everything was OK, until she ASKED me to have sex. I was always more interested in romantic atmosphere, i wanted to creat the Beatles's songs love in our relationship (yes, i am a goth who loves the Beatles). But she was a really hot girl, and i know i liked those curves in her body, but i was not sexually aroused. Of course, I am a big dark complexion guy, so society says: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? FUCK HER!, but all the attempts we did to engage sexually were frustrating, because i love to caress a girl body, and sensuality, but penetration is SO DAMN BORING AND UNINTERESTING to me, that i couldn't have an erection. In the begginning i thought it was impotence, but impotents do want to have an erection, they just can't. I masturbate and have fantasies, but i don't wanna make 'em real, is just too boring. In the end she thought i just didn't fell attracted to her and lost her attraction for me, and i found it so disgusting and stupid that she became horrible to my eyes. She just wanted sex, she was horrid to me. I stopped liking her, and we broke up. SO...Sexuals and Asexuals relationships are possible, but please, understand each other. Just do so. And love each other too much.

Thanks for reading.

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Chiaroscuro

This is my first note on the boards. I'm married to an Aven member (Sunset). We've been married for fifteen years, the last four of which have been sexless, sprinkled with a few sad attempts. It wasn't always like this. Although sex has been an issue between us since we started dating, with me assuming the classical male "I want sex more than you" role, I felt basically connected to my wife sexually. I felt that we were romantically attached... that she desired me, and I desired her.

Sunset was abused as a child, and the re-emergence of that trauma caused the abrupt veering into total celibacy in recent years. To the point where I'm sleeping in the livingroom on the futon, and we don't touch except in very safe, very formal ways.

We've talked about divorce, but we have two lovely children, and I would rather die than harm them. So how can I risk harm to them for my own "selfish" needs? We've talked about sex outside of the marriage, but I don't think it would work... As others have said in this thread, sex is a part of a healthy romantic relationship to me. If I have sex with someone, I think it will eventually cause my relationship with my wife to diminish.

I'm gradually coming to understand what my wife is going through. She is a great person to talk to. We've always had that connection, since we first met... the ability to be open and honest with one another. I love her, but I feel this tremendous ache that I have to stand apart from her. I want to be a strong support for her, but I can't help but feel lonely and disconnected from her. It's not just the sex, it's the romantic connection. When I look at her, I want to gather her up in my arms and kiss her. It kills me that I can't. It poisons whatever other warm feelings I'm having, just being with her. I guess that's what the asexuality/sexuality divide feels like to me... like something that's poisoning an otherwise perfect relationship. My wife, the one woman I WANT to be close to sexually is off-limits. When I hit that fence, keeping her away from me, I feel this surge of desperate sadness.

And somehow, the fact that she loves the fence makes it all the worse. I hate, hate, hate the fence, and she tends it like a child, mending all the little broken links and straightening up the barbed-wire on the top.

So... well, that's the story. I'm very glad to meet you all, and to hear your stories. I know Sunset's getting a lot out of Aven.

-Chiaroscuro

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sonofzeal

My condolensces, Chiaroscuro. The sort of situation you're in is really hard, but you seem willing to stick it out. Hopefully by becoming involved with this site, you can understand better what she's going through, and she can get an idea of where you're comming from too. Here's wishing you all the best!

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northbound

This topic was amazing. Thanks for posting it.

Kudos to you sexual folks who are in relationships with people who call themselves asexuals. I didn't think that was possible. Big reason I simply decided I'll be alone forever, and have spent my time coming to terms with that notion.

I think its just wonderful that two people could stay together despite such a problem. I'm just wow'd. Way to go, eh.

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Chiaroscuro
Big reason I simply decided I'll be alone forever, and have spent my time coming to terms with that notion.

I don't know... there seem to be a lot of folks who are like you, North. The more you guys talk, find one another, forge communities like Aven, the more chances you'll have to find like-minded people to share your life with. I think right now, it's all so hidden that there's no real way to meet other asexual people.

I feel the same lack from my side of the divide. I face the choice of divorcing or becoming asexual myself (an idea that's as impossible for me as becoming sexual would be for you). Society doesn't allow for any other solutions. Sunset and I are discussing my finding someone outside of our marriage with whom I can have a physical friendship. But it would have to be someone, for me, who's in the same position I'm in. Someone who loves an asexual, and cannot either divorce or become asexual themselves.

In society's eyes, though, that's "cheating", not an honorable solution. So, like you, there's really no open community of folks in my position. It gives me a lot of sympathy for what the gay community must have gone through in its early, wholly closeted days, when everyone felt isolated, broken and unable to be who they were and still lead a normal life.

-Chiaroscuro

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WendyO

ECW,

I had posted the below earlier last week and it almost nearly seems like we are in a mirror in life. Below is my short story. I also have two kids.

I am a sexual 43yr old in a 23yr marriage to a asexual man. I have been trying to make sense of my husband for nearly 20 yrs. Spend my 20,30 and 40's loving this man but only having sexual intercourse about once a year. No oral sex...ever, he is not into it. On occation I have explained to him that it is not fair to me and had no idea that my husband was not alone. I have been faithful over the 23yr marriage but Im lonely. I will never leave this man as he is a good provider to his family, he does love me and he is good to me.

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WendyO

I should of included Chia in my last post. Chia's phrase of

"And somehow, the fact that she loves the fence makes it all the worse. I hate, hate, hate the fence, and she tends it like a child, mending all the little broken links and straightening up the barbed-wire on the top. "

is exactly what Im feeling. It seemed as if my husband really enjoyed building his wall higher and higher. If I tried to climb that wall and get near the top he would put another line of bricks there to keep me from reaching him. I told my husband about this website and he agrees that he is likely asexual. Can I live the rest of my life (Im 43) not having a conection with the man I had two children with. Im a practicing Catholic and divorce is not in my future and I dont really want one.

WendyO

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notsure123

I have a qhestion I would like to add to some of the ones who are AS. Have you decided you are AS because you have no drive or interest? Have any of you been to a Dr. to see if you have some sort of a hormone inbalance? What I am saying is most people say this is the way I am and thats that.

I am an A living with one I would consider a AS. He has never been willing to go to the Dr. and discuss this or simply have a hormone test. Selfish, Selfish,

Please help,

Confused :roll:

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MaraKarina

Notsure,

cannot speak for the ASs, however, my AS husband would prefer divorce over even going to the doctor to get a check-up .....

I've heard from other sexuals married to asexuals that their partners either don't want to be checked, agree but postpone the check-up indefinately, or eventually go and usually with the findings that their physics are 100% ok.

I assume that the asexuals carry with them a general NO in their heads (orientation, simply no drive, past negative experiences or abuse, or ....), which may be subconsciously, and thus anything of what we might call a problem solver would rather scare than help them.

I would consider myself a very normal sexual person, but I would probably not want to have sex with more than 1 man out of 100 or even 1,000 - make me live with one of these others, I'd probably not want to have sex. And in that case, why go to the doctor. Drugs wouldn't change my decision.

Which is what makes it harder for the sexual partner. It's primarily a decision and you can feel that someone had a choice and said no. Which produces a slight crack in the relationship which continues to stay and will increase or remain slight depending on compromising, but this crack will always be there and it will take a lot of strength and effort to keep the relationship in spite of it.

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maufry
Hello people.

Well, i'm really new to the forum, but i do have a very sad and gothic REAL story that happened to me and i want you to read. You're the only who are going to understand. Probably...

I found a really beautiful, talentous girl and i fell in love with her...and she fell in love with me too. We were meant to be, i loved her more than my life, i play the guitar and she sang in a goth metal band. And everything was OK, until she ASKED me to have sex. I was always more interested in romantic atmosphere, i wanted to creat the Beatles's songs love in our relationship (yes, i am a goth who loves the Beatles). But she was a really hot girl, and i know i liked those curves in her body, but i was not sexually aroused. Of course, I am a big dark complexion guy, so society says: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? FUCK HER!, but all the attempts we did to engage sexually were frustrating, because i love to caress a girl body, and sensuality, but penetration is SO DAMN BORING AND UNINTERESTING to me, that i couldn't have an erection. In the begginning i thought it was impotence, but impotents do want to have an erection, they just can't. I masturbate and have fantasies, but i don't wanna make 'em real, is just too boring. In the end she thought i just didn't fell attracted to her and lost her attraction for me, and i found it so disgusting and stupid that she became horrible to my eyes. She just wanted sex, she was horrid to me. I stopped liking her, and we broke up. SO...Sexuals and Asexuals relationships are possible, but please, understand each other. Just do so. And love each other too much.

Thanks for reading.

That is EXACTLY how I feel. Sex is boring (although, for me, it's also repulsive), and when I'm with someone, as soon as they bring up sex they turn into this horrid sex maniac to me. Which makes me withdraw even more - I'm afraid to so much as kiss them b/c I'm afraid they'll try to initiate something further. Intellectually I understand the argument that some sexuals need that closeness and bonding, but since that's not what sex is for me, it's hard to accept that emotionally. To me, it feels like whenever my partner wants sex, he just wants to use me to get off. No matter what he says, and no matter how well I know him and know that that's totally not his position, the fact remains that I will always feel used if someone wants to fuck me (and that's always how it feels - I never feel that a guy wants to make love to me, I always feel like he simply wants to fuck me). And that ends up ruining the relationship that we have, b/c it cheapens it. Like he's saying, "Okay yeah, you're intelligent, funny, creative, etc, but that's just secondary. Let's go, SEX SEX SEX NOW NOW NOW!!!!" To him sex may be creating that emotional bond, but for me it destroys it, and therefore destroys the relationship.

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Chiaroscuro

Hi Maufry,

when I'm with someone, as soon as they bring up sex they turn into this horrid sex maniac to me. Which makes me withdraw even more - I'm afraid to so much as kiss them b/c I'm afraid they'll try to initiate something further.

I don't blame you for this reaction... your reaction is what it is, it's nothing you can control. But don't you see why this makes sexual people withdraw as well? Ultimately, to the point of breaking up? Who wants to know that, in the eyes of the one they love, they're a horrid sex maniac? To a sexual person there is no bright line between "hugging" and "sex".. it's a continuum. All we know is that, at some point, we're going to cross the line with you, and become a horrid sex maniac. Where exactly that line is, and when it occurs is impossible to tell. Even on Aven that line is different for everyone.

So please understand that this issue is as confusing and horrifying for the sexual partner as for you. There's nothing worse than feeling vulnerable and warm and loving and suddenly sensing my wife going rigid, and seeing her eyes go dead and cold. It's awful. It creates this feeling of dread when I touch her, even in the most platonic ways. I know that's not what you guys want in a relationship... you want someone to love you and be caring and close. Unless you have some way of making that line absolutely clear though, and you make it clear before that person ever has a chance to cross it and see you "reject" them, the hurt and feeling of betrayal will start right at that moment.

-Chiaroscuro

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maufry
Hi Maufry,
when I'm with someone, as soon as they bring up sex they turn into this horrid sex maniac to me. Which makes me withdraw even more - I'm afraid to so much as kiss them b/c I'm afraid they'll try to initiate something further.

I don't blame you for this reaction... your reaction is what it is, it's nothing you can control. But don't you see why this makes sexual people withdraw as well? Ultimately, to the point of breaking up? Who wants to know that, in the eyes of the one they love, they're a horrid sex maniac? To a sexual person there is no bright line between "hugging" and "sex".. it's a continuum. All we know is that, at some point, we're going to cross the line with you, and become a horrid sex maniac. Where exactly that line is, and when it occurs is impossible to tell. Even on Aven that line is different for everyone.

So please understand that this issue is as confusing and horrifying for the sexual partner as for you. There's nothing worse than feeling vulnerable and warm and loving and suddenly sensing my wife going rigid, and seeing her eyes go dead and cold. It's awful. It creates this feeling of dread when I touch her, even in the most platonic ways. I know that's not what you guys want in a relationship... you want someone to love you and be caring and close. Unless you have some way of making that line absolutely clear though, and you make it clear before that person ever has a chance to cross it and see you "reject" them, the hurt and feeling of betrayal will start right at that moment.

-Chiaroscuro

I guess I can see your point. It's hard - for me at least - to remember that sexuals see sex as more than just some physical urge that needs scratching. For me, it just seems like the guy needs to get off and since he's with me, I'm the one he's going to use to do so. And that's not a feeling I want to have with the man I'm with. But you're right, communication is essential. I find that "the line" is different for me depending on the guy, and I don't necessarily know where it is until we've gotten there. But the way I figure it is that I certainly can't blame the guy for crossing that line the first time, since he doesn't know where it is. Once I know, I make it clear, and then if he crosses it again I get irritated. But not until the second time. It seems to work for me thus far. It is, however, the reason that I now avoid relationships with sexuals. Now that I know I'm A, I figure I'm going to get dumped eventually due to the lack of sex anyways, so why bother. Of course, I realize that doesn't help you much, lol.

Oh, and you said that there's no bright line b/t hugging and sex, and I think that's a big problem (for us, anyways). When I'm with a guy physically, I like just the simple stuff - hugging, cuddling, stuff like that. It's insulting to think that every time I give a simple little hug to express my affection that the guy's thinking about ripping off my clothes for his own pleasure. I just don't understand why guys can't enjoy just being with the person they love instead of always wanting to fuck them. I understand the whole frustration thing - if he's never getting it, then he's always going to be thinking about it and wanting it. But guys who are in perfectly happy sexual relationships do the same thing. Personally, I'd be much more willing to possibly experiment with what I'm comfortable with if I knew he wasn't ALWAYS in the mood. If I were to initiate something, I would acutally *want* to be rejected some of the time. That way, whenever it actually went somewhere, it would feel like maybe it meant something. When a guy's always in the mood, it just seems so cheap and impersonal. To me, anyways.

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maufry

I thought of something else that might help. Sexuals refer to sex as being this loving intimate thing, and for us it's like, THAT'S what you think love is??? For me, it makes me feel like he must not really know me or love me at all, if he wants to do THAT to me. For us there are so many other (and better, from our perspective) ways of showing our love for our partner, that it feels like s/he must not really care for us if they're expressing they're love in such an inferior way. That's my take on it, anyways. Not that I don't get what you're saying. It's just such an alien conept to me that it's hard to grasp.

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BunnyK.
No matter what he says, and no matter how well I know him and know that that's totally not his position, the fact remains that I will always feel used if someone wants to fuck me (and that's always how it feels - I never feel that a guy wants to make love to me, I always feel like he simply wants to fuck me). And that ends up ruining the relationship that we have, b/c it cheapens it. Like he's saying, "Okay yeah, you're intelligent, funny, creative, etc, but that's just secondary. Let's go, SEX SEX SEX NOW NOW NOW!!!!" To him sex may be creating that emotional bond, but for me it destroys it, and therefore destroys the relationship.

It's hard for me to read this, because for a sexual I just want to scream "It's not secondary! It's BECAUSE you're awesome that they want to fuck you! AHHH!"

I guess I can see your point. It's hard - for me at least - to remember that sexuals see sex as more than just some physical urge that needs scratching. For me, it just seems like the guy needs to get off and since he's with me, I'm the one he's going to use to do so.

This is so insulting. :lol: Not that I'm feeling insulted by you, personally, but to sexuals as a whole, this is insulting. I don't know many people who really see other people only as sex toys, and it would be so frustrating and hurtful for me to hear that someone thought I was so selfish that I could see them only as a tool to give myself an orgasm. I understand that you don't try to foster this outlook, but still...

Oh, and you said that there's no bright line b/t hugging and sex, and I think that's a big problem (for us, anyways). When I'm with a guy physically, I like just the simple stuff - hugging, cuddling, stuff like that. It's insulting to think that every time I give a simple little hug to express my affection that the guy's thinking about ripping off my clothes for his own pleasure. I just don't understand why guys can't enjoy just being with the person they love instead of always wanting to fuck them. I understand the whole frustration thing - if he's never getting it, then he's always going to be thinking about it and wanting it. But guys who are in perfectly happy sexual relationships do the same thing. Personally, I'd be much more willing to possibly experiment with what I'm comfortable with if I knew he wasn't ALWAYS in the mood. If I were to initiate something, I would acutally *want* to be rejected some of the time. That way, whenever it actually went somewhere, it would feel like maybe it meant something. When a guy's always in the mood, it just seems so cheap and impersonal. To me, anyways.

I can't speak for Chiaro, but I get the feeling there is a misunderstanding here. I think he just meant that for sexuals, hugging flows into cuddling flows into kissing flows into foreplay, and there's no distinct point where you can say "this is definitely sexual, and this definitely isn't". Sometimes a hug is sexual, sometimes it's not. Sometimes a kiss is just a simple gesture of affection, and sometimes it's an invitation - sometimes it starts one way and ends another! That doesn't mean that every time a guy hugs you he is thinking about taking your clothes off. That doesn't mean every kiss turns a sexual into a specimen of wild horny toad. :P

And every guy is different - I get turned down probably 4 out of 5 times I try to initiate, because my boyfriend is just not ever in the mood (well, technically he is once or twice a week, but to me it feels like practically never). However, I'm not thinking about sex every time I touch him, either...and as I am a pretty high-drive person, if I'm not thinking about it 24/7, you can definitely believe that there are guys out there who won't be thinking about it all the time either. Anyway, tarring all guys with the same feather strikes me as inaccurate, if not downright destructive.

Also, the fact that I get turned on by him and feel frustrated that I'm not having as much sex as I want doesn't mean that I don't enjoy his company. Come to think of it, I'd enjoy his company if we were having sex too! It's not like the two are mutually exclusive. To me, and I'd bet most sexuals, it doesn't feel like our personality turns off. It's still there, we are still thinking and feeling - it's so hard to understand why anyone would feel like you do, that we become a different person. I can see maybe not really liking that aspect of a sexual's personality, but I think it's important to understand that the sexual is *not* changing. If anything, you're perceiving them differently.

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Chiaroscuro

Bunny wrote:

for sexuals, hugging flows into cuddling flows into kissing flows into foreplay, and there's no distinct point where you can say "this is definitely sexual, and this definitely isn't". Sometimes a hug is sexual, sometimes it's not. Sometimes a kiss is just a simple gesture of affection, and sometimes it's an invitation - sometimes it starts one way and ends another! That doesn't mean that every time a guy hugs you he is thinking about taking your clothes off. That doesn't mean every kiss turns a sexual into a specimen of wild horny toad. :P

This is exactly what I was talking about. Thanks for expressing it more clearly, Bunny :)

Maufry, your responses sound so angry. I'm guessing you feel your partners have hurt you or insulted you in some way, and you're repaying the favor to the sexual community as a whole. I get that. But the anger isn't going to lead you to a real understanding of what's going on, it's just going to throw up a wall for you to hide behind. If you turn those you don't understand into "the enemy", then, sure, you can feel better about yourself. You're the reasonable one, and they're just bastards who want to use you. There are sexual people who do the same thing... casting their asexual partners as psychologically damaged, inhuman monsters.

It's understandable on an emotional level. We protect ourselves from things that threaten us. But it's not the truth.

-Chiaroscuro

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