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Rabger

To Sexual Partners

Recommended Posts

Icebearpanda
On 5/1/2017 at 6:20 PM, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

 

 

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Apostle
On 9/16/2016 at 9:54 PM, Sally said:

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

Helpful advice.

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Ageless Goddess

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

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GLRDT
On 6/24/2017 at 1:38 PM, Ageless Goddess said:

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

You have a lovely vibe and can't wait to see more of your thoughts!

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Ageless Goddess

Thank you, GLRDT,  I love to learn from others as well as their experiences in this leg of my journey. I also love the quotes you selected. Namaste

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TheSexualHusband
On ‎2005‎/‎03‎/‎25 at 9:40 PM, Rabger said:

Your bf sounds very closed minded and focuses on just himself. You're right, it doesn't sound like you have a "problem" with not wanting sex, he does. So it's HIS problem. Whether you are asexual or not, you don't have to be a sex freak just to make someone else happy. In relationships are you supposed to compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

Not the right place for this guys. I read this thread in hopes of not having to hear the retoric that sexual partners are evil impersonated.  

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TheSexualHusband

The number of sexless marriages noted in recent research suggest that there is a great number of couples experiencing sexual problems which is not related to asexuality per se. Statistically it seems that only about 1% of the population is in the strictest definition asexual. The rest of men and woman showing a low or no interest in sex seems to simply be less interested in their partners for whatever reason, be it medical, psychological, physiological or mental. Menay of these can in fact be addressed with medicine or prefessional help or just good olf fasioned charm. Asexuality on the other hand can not.

By their own admission a great number of asexual people are reluctant to admit their sexuality to their partners. This creates an enormous amount of self-doubt, mistrust and frustration within the relationship, where the asexual partner denies their asexuality and offer some other excuse for their apparent lack of interest in sex. You must understand that people are generally optimistic, believing that they are able to find some remedy to the perceived problem. They tend to believe that they will be able to light the flame of lust somehow and rekindle the passion which in almost every instance was present at some point in the relationship. Naturally, if their partner is in fact asexual try as they might, they will not be able to do this anymore than the best of doctors is able to bring the dead back to life.

My 20 cents worth is simply this: if you are asexual, be honest about it from the first possible moment that the realization becomes clear. Do not allow hope where none is to be found. Allow your partner to decide if this is the kind of worst that he or she was supposed to anticipate when the marriage vows were spoken. More important, allow your partner the opportunity to decide if he or she can either be celibate or, if compromise sex is contemplated, be a rapist to a somewhat willing victim, for the lifetime of the relationship.

My frustration with my own marriage is that my wife denies that she is asexual, leaving me with a glimmer of hope that I might be able to bring the dead back to life. I continue to try, though, I am very close to pronouncing the date and time of death of what was once a very good marriage.

I know there is a great number of you reading this thinking that I am an awful person for needing sex in my relationship and being unwilling to compromise on this point. But there can be no compromise. There can only be celibacy or rape. Neither of those options are a compromise. I have tried both options on for size and found that, if left with no other choice, I prefer celibacy above compromise rape. Celibacy chokes the life out of my soul at a much slower pace. But it does choke the life out of my soul.

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GLRDT
18 hours ago, TheSexualHusband said:

The number of sexless marriages noted in recent research suggest that there is a great number of couples experiencing sexual problems which is not related to asexuality per se. Statistically it seems that only about 1% of the population is in the strictest definition asexual. The rest of men and woman showing a low or no interest in sex seems to simply be less interested in their partners for whatever reason, be it medical, psychological, physiological or mental. Menay of these can in fact be addressed with medicine or prefessional help or just good olf fasioned charm. Asexuality on the other hand can not.

By their own admission a great number of asexual people are reluctant to admit their sexuality to their partners. This creates an enormous amount of self-doubt, mistrust and frustration within the relationship, where the asexual partner denies their asexuality and offer some other excuse for their apparent lack of interest in sex. You must understand that people are generally optimistic, believing that they are able to find some remedy to the perceived problem. They tend to believe that they will be able to light the flame of lust somehow and rekindle the passion which in almost every instance was present at some point in the relationship. Naturally, if their partner is in fact asexual try as they might, they will not be able to do this anymore than the best of doctors is able to bring the dead back to life.

My 20 cents worth is simply this: if you are asexual, be honest about it from the first possible moment that the realization becomes clear. Do not allow hope where none is to be found. Allow your partner to decide if this is the kind of worst that he or she was supposed to anticipate when the marriage vows were spoken. More important, allow your partner the opportunity to decide if he or she can either be celibate or, if compromise sex is contemplated, be a rapist to a somewhat willing victim, for the lifetime of the relationship.

My frustration with my own marriage is that my wife denies that she is asexual, leaving me with a glimmer of hope that I might be able to bring the dead back to life. I continue to try, though, I am very close to pronouncing the date and time of death of what was once a very good marriage.

I know there is a great number of you reading this thinking that I am an awful person for needing sex in my relationship and being unwilling to compromise on this point. But there can be no compromise. There can only be celibacy or rape. Neither of those options are a compromise. I have tried both options on for size and found that, if left with no other choice, I prefer celibacy above compromise rape. Celibacy chokes the life out of my soul at a much slower pace. But it does choke the life out of my soul.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. I do believe there can be compromise when the asexual person in question isn't  asexual sex repulsed. If they are sex repulsed there will most likely be no compromise and sex would perhaps feel like rape as you mentioned which I can see why that would be horrible for both involved. However, if the asexual person in question is a gray asexual and sex neutral or sex favorable like me, I know from experience that there is room for compromise. I'm sorry your wife is having trouble coming to terms with her sexuality and learning more about herself and what you both need or at least not talking about it. I hope you're able to work something out where you both can feel as happily balanced as possible!

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Jakesbuddy

Sexual husband here  married to what I would call an asexual wife.  I agree with and see a lot of stuff here in these posts that makes my relationship with my wife understandable.  There just seems to be a lot of gray that goes with every "label" and only the person themselves can really know who and what they are.  And most likely needs help of some sort to figure it out.  And they have to want to figure it out.  Medically and/or psychologically.  If they won't do that then all of the trying and compromise will be in vane. 

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polywantsacracker
On 1/24/2005 at 2:02 PM, Guest new guy35 said:

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). 

I've been feeling that for the last 5 years.  Borderline suicidal at one point.  However, I have been sexually active outside of the marriage as of a year ago.  It's made life bearable for me.  The morality police can be as outraged as they want to be but I have started feeling human again.  Monogamy....never again.

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Justsomeguy

Hi. I'm new here. Not sure where to look or write. I know Facebook well. I don't know forums well at all. Hopefully I get a notification if anyone responds. I'm very sexual and am in a relationship with someone who hasn't been interested in sex for about 3 years. We've been together for about 3 years and 10 months. Over the past 3 years, we've had sex maybe 4 times. The last time was over a year ago. Ive never cheated on her but I really miss sex. I masturbate but it's not the same. I'm now not feeling as sexually attracted to her. I think this is because I've had to let that desire for her go. The difficulty is that we get on really well and she is only allowed to stay in Australia on a partner visa. She is not an Australian citizen. It's a really hard situation.  I've been looking for a counselling service to assist us work through things but haven't been successful. Any words of wisdom would be great. Thanks for hearing me out. 

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Treesarepretty

Hello @Justsomeguy, have some :cake:

 

You get norifications if you start a thread and someone responds, if someone tags you, like I have done, or if someone quotes you using the icon at the bottom of your post. 

 

I feel for you and will start by telling you the thing that you will hear most often on this forum: you need to talk to her about it. Whether she is asexual, or grey ace, or sexual or whatever is something that only she will really know. These labels themselves only really exist to aid in communication about sexuality and romance, which just emphasizes the need for you to talk to her. As for couples' therapists/counsellors? I haven't convinced my wife to go to one yet, so I don't know how useful they are. Maybe you and I can go through at the same time and be like cosmonaughts! 

 

In any case, good luck. You should probably look in the "Compromise" thread for compromise ideas and start your own thread giving a bit more of your story. It is easier for the story of someone asking for help to get lost in a thread with 23 pages of posts than a thread that has 5 posts, which means you will likely get more responses if you start your own thread. 

 

Good luck. 😁

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GLRDT
22 hours ago, Justsomeguy said:

Hi. I'm new here. Not sure where to look or write. I know Facebook well. I don't know forums well at all. Hopefully I get a notification if anyone responds. I'm very sexual and am in a relationship with someone who hasn't been interested in sex for about 3 years. We've been together for about 3 years and 10 months. Over the past 3 years, we've had sex maybe 4 times. The last time was over a year ago. Ive never cheated on her but I really miss sex. I masturbate but it's not the same. I'm now not feeling as sexually attracted to her. I think this is because I've had to let that desire for her go. The difficulty is that we get on really well and she is only allowed to stay in Australia on a partner visa. She is not an Australian citizen. It's a really hard situation.  I've been looking for a counselling service to assist us work through things but haven't been successful. Any words of wisdom would be great. Thanks for hearing me out. 

I'm in similar situation if you want to message me. I mean I'm the gray asexual in the relationship and my boyfriend is the sexual one and he is Mexican citizen and I'm a US one. But we might be able to share stories. Or what not and maybe learn from each other.

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Jay.J

G'day everyone, 

 

 

I don't know where to start but I am writing this hoping to get some help.

I would like to share my story with you. I am a mid 30 straight male. I got married when I was 20 years old, she was 19. I am from a culture where marriage is a strong bond and divorce is a big social problem. I must admit I fall in love with her. From the very beginning, there was something missing in between us. She was calm and quiet, keeping things to herself whereas I was active, warm, passionate and full of energy and adventure. It didn't take long to find out it is a one-way relationship. I wasn't receiving the love and passion I was expressing to her. I soon felt the gap. It took me a while to find out what I want to do in my life. Being from a traditional family has always stopped me to even think about divorce although I felt the need desperately from every stage. There was something missing in my life. There was no love, no intimacy, no passion, I was feeling a huge emotional gap in my life. This was very clear in my day to day life and interactions with opposite sex. As soon as I was close to a female friend, I started to develop emotion and feeling towards her. Many times I kept this romantic attraction hidden but I always questioned myself. I have strong values that consider myself strongly committed to them. What was missing in my life? Trying to buy flowers, giving her pleasant surprises and stick to the common rules of keeping the relationship moving, but it has always been a one-way journey. 

On the positive side, however, she has always been a good company. What I mean is she enjoys outdoor and adventures as I do and is easygoing. She has been accommodating my sexual needs even though there has always been a complaint about me being too active sexually. We have kept ourselves busy with my ambitions and dreams. I wanted to further my education and then migrated to Australia. For over 5 years we have been busy exploring Australia together and I have always tried to manage the gaps with other things, focus on things we both enjoy and try to ignore, forget and suppress feeling and emotions. 

 

Eventually, I thought having a child can change the course of events in my life. But it worked out to be totally opposite. Our first child born and the second one immediately after with no plan for it took us as a surprise. It was against our value to go for a termination, even though we discussed the option. Our life was completely screwed. By time passing and children getting older we didn't have time to do activities we used to and the emotional gap got bigger and bigger. We were separated for a short time but I couldn't stand life without my children and she tried to take them away and it was a constant struggle. We tried to manage a mutually beneficial relationship and living together now. 

I could see how she grow both mentally and emotionally, built herself a successful career and being an excellent mum. I tried to focus on children and divert all this emotion and love to them but inside I was being anxious and depressed with low self-confidence and emotionally broken and dissatisfied.  

Whenever we talk or argue about this, during our conversation, she always insists that she enjoys every aspect of the relationship with me and it is me that is not satisfied and still exploring.  Its been a constant struggle to be on the dark side and get along with contradictions. For a while, I also thought she may be a lesbian. I have always been an advocate to be open and honest with your sexual orientation. We spoke and she said she is clearly not a lesbian. And this story was going on and on, an extremely cold and lifeless relationship with all those things you already know. 

I have recently read an article about Asexuality and emailed it to her. Apparently, she has since been reading and researching this topic for weeks. The sun has finally come out and shed light on this dark side of our relationship. I am saying dark as I did really suffer many aspects of it for a long time. She has made it clear that she has never been sexually attracted to anyone. Never even sexually thought of any man or woman in her entire life. Never been turned on, no heart bit no desire.  She made it clear that she married me as I was a right option at the time and she liked some aspect of my personality and most of all it was time for her to get married. She never felt intimacy or love in that way with me. She has also revealed that she shared this with our family doctor and was told that she has to accommodate my sexual needs as a duty of care! (What a Doctor!).  She said she never enjoyed having sex with me and has always been pretending and faking everything to keep me happy. She now is happy for me to chose my way and is sorry for everything. 

Now, as a matter of fact, I have been lied to, deceived, been incriminated for everything wrong in our relationship,  besides the feeling that I sexually imposed myself on someone with different sexual orientation for over a decade. She was extremely controlling and I got subjected to domestic violence because I was lonely and was in contact with few females I knew through facebook and etc.   I felt completely broken. It's too late and scary to start all over again. I don't possess the quality and youth to attract a female of my standards anymore. It feels that I have to accept my fate. Please let me know if there is anything that can make things better.

Thank you for listening to me. 

I also shared this as a topic but since I didn't get much reply, I am sharing it here. 

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ErichA
On 1/24/2005 at 3:02 PM, Guest new guy35 said:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

So I didnt think I would find someone on here that would know my story, but yours copies mine to a t.....everything you wrote is how i feel.  The difference is, my wife now wants an open marriage, with rules, so I can get what i need, and she doesnt have to feel guilty that she cant fulfill this part of our marriage...i cant deal with this....

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MrDane
On 24/6/2017 at 8:38 PM, Ageless Goddess said:

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

@Ageless Goddess. OMG!

affection: this is what I want us to get back to. More smiles, more hugs. Perhaps less sex is the way!?

appreciation: communication is key here! “I would like...”  and “thank you for...” perhaps wording something out “I bougth you this soft drink from the mall, since I thought you migth like it”

acceptance: it is ok, that you realized that you are ‘meh’ and ‘no thanks’ about sex. But you have to be honest about it. Dont say yes if you think no, please. It makes it hard to know what to accept. I will not put on further stress on you, regarding sex. Meaning that you only have to think about me being sexual and wanting sex as in the plan we both agreed upon. 

Attention: I ask about your job, how you feel, what you are knitting, if you are okay with me doing this sexual thing today... I usually follow your stories up with a question. I think you rarely ask about my job, my hobbies, my sex life. I wonder if you dont care or if you are just so much in your “me-bubble” or if you are afraid of where the talk migth take us. 

 

I still feel like I am the lucky one to be with her, though! 

 

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