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tragiclover
On 1/8/2024 at 4:17 AM, AloneTogether said:

It strange to say I mourn for the loss of something I've never had, perhaps I mourn the loss of my idea of what my sex life would be.

You are not alone, many of us have also been there.

In my experience with this, it is actually mourning the death of someone who never existed. As a sexual person, part of falling in love with someone is tied to a mutual need for each other physically. Even when your life doesn't reflect it, there's still this hope that somehow, sometime, that level of your love will unfold and be beautiful. When it finally sinks in that the one you love cannot feel that way for you, never has and never will, it is an enormous loss. It feels very much like the one you love has died. And yet they are still there right next to you living and breathing. So you are in this deep mourning and you can't explain it to anyone. But it is very real.

A great deal of your story mirrors mine. Everything would be great if only. This is the only place I've been able to express what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if it helps or hurts more. But I keep coming back because at least in sharing with others I can confirm that what is feel is real.

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AloneTogether
16 hours ago, tragiclover said:

A great deal of your story mirrors mine. Everything would be great if only. This is the only place I've been able to express what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if it helps or hurts more. But I keep coming back because at least in sharing with others I can confirm that what is feel is real.

While I’m sorry that you are going through this, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ve found it useful to find a group of people who have the same experience as I. 
 

I’ve never thought I was uniquely going through something no one else had ever gone through, but until I found this place I had never come across anyone in the same boat as I. 
 

reading around here, including some of your own posts, it is amazing how similar my experience is to those of others. It gives me strength to know I’m not alone. 

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  • 1 month later...

Hey everybody,

I wanted to ask if there are any good books on the topic of how to deal with an asexual partner.

 

My girlfriend told me that she is asexual and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it. I mean I know communication is the key. Nevertheless I wanted to ask if there are any good resources with good tipps on this topic.

 

I really love her and want to find the best solution for both of us.

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Olallieberry
4 hours ago, Slotrog said:

Hey everybody,

I wanted to ask if there are any good books on the topic of how to deal with an asexual partner.

 

My girlfriend told me that she is asexual and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it. I mean I know communication is the key. Nevertheless I wanted to ask if there are any good resources with good tipps on this topic.

 

I really love her and want to find the best solution for both of us.

I strongly recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

 

The book largely presumes that both people in a relationship want sex, but are maybe mismatched in how they approach it and expect it, and it is largely about how to get them on the same page about sex so that the mismatch between how two different people are desiring sex in their relationship is less of a source of conflict. So do not read it with the expectation that it will reveal a way for you to get sex the way you want it from your asexual partner.

 

But other than that presumption and frame about what to expect from the book, everything else in it will be very valuable as far as showing you, maybe both of you, how to de-escalate conflict and friction around your mismatch.

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