Rabger

To Sexual Partners

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Rabger   
Rabger

I'm putting this up here because I'm not getting many responses in Announcements.

Anyway, this is directed toward any sexual partner of an asexual. We are asking any of those that would like to help explain asexuality from a sexual point of view if they would be willing to write something up about it. Such as, if you and your partner are open about the topic of asexualty, what are some of the questions people ask you, being a sexual in a relationship with an asexual, and how do you respond? Also, is there anything you'd like to say to any other sexuals that are in a relationship with an asexual or someone they suspect may be asexual, or anyone that may be in pursuit of an asexual? And finally, if you'd like to write up something about it as to your experience in such a relationship, please feel free!

This information will be put in its own section of the board directed toward other sexuals. If you are interested, please let me know via PM or post, and email me anything you may have at Xendara1@aol.com is this eMail still in use?? (please say you are from AVEN in the title so I don't delete you). Thanks!

Edited by Arca nine Huggles

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gypsylady   
gypsylady

I hope you get some response FF. It certainly seems that so many folks we hear from, who are in the position of the sexual in a sexual/asexual relationship, could use the support and encouragement of others in their situation.

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Rabger   
Rabger

*drags back up*

Come on people, I KNOW there are sexual partners in here!

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Guest new guy35   
Guest new guy35

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

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Kez   
Kez

*nails this*

Do you want me to make this sticky?

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Rabger   
Rabger
*nails this*

Do you want me to make this sticky?

Yeah, that would be great :) Thanks!

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Naissur9   
Naissur9
Do you want me to make this sticky?

Yeah, that would be great :) Thanks!

beat yah to it. Tis now sticky.

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Kez   
Kez

*pouts*

Curse you. Curse you and your childrens childrens children! :wink:

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Naissur9   
Naissur9
Curse you. Curse you and your childrens childrens children! :wink:

oh, no! Not my imaginary, make belief childens childrens children! Why God, why?! :lol:

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Heidi   
Heidi

I noticed this thread only now.

I wrote about my story with an asexual partner (I'm sexual) in the "Please Help! My husband has just realized he is asexual" thread.

Maybe if you want to ask something to me I will be happy to answer if I can.

Just be conscious now I am quite confused, so answers con be confused, too.

I am happy to give my contribution to this site because I want to find a way to make possible love between sexuals an asexuals. This is my only hope and wish.

Bye bye,

Heidi

Sorry for my bad English... it is difficult for me express feeling and emotions in other languages, it is often so difficult even in my mother tongue.

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Identity_Crisis   
Identity_Crisis

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

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Cate Perfect   
Cate Perfect

We have several people here who are in 'mixed' relationships. It's all about communication, really.

Cate

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Shivers   
Shivers
I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Very akwardly. As Cate said, it's about communication, but I'd like to add you've BOTH got to be good at putting yourslef in others' shoes.

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Rin   
Rin

It also probably depends on how highly they prioritise sex. Someone can be a "sexual" as in if they were with someone who wanted sex, they would have absolutely no problem having it. But likewise if they were with someone who didn't want sex, they'd be fine with that too.... I know someone like that.

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Elf people   
Elf people

I agree with Rin-perhaps we might say that there are degrees of sexuality just as there are degrees of asexuality. For instance, some asexuals are absolutely opposed to any form of physical proximity; on the other end of the scale, some asexuals are open to the idea of experimenting with sexuality. In the middle range are those who are comfortable with non-sexual affection.

Same with sexuals-of course, there's always the gender effect. There's the common myth that guys think about sex every minute/two minutes-you know the line.

My close female friend asked her bf about it and he replied in the affirmative-and from this she generalized to all males, esp since she says her bf is very civilized and does not at all seem like the high-libido person.

On the other hand, I remember asking my current bf (and this is when we were friends, so he did not give a strategic answer) and he said it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard.

so I guess whether a sexual-asexual relationship can work out depends on which end of the scale each person is at. What would not work for instance is a relationship between a highly sexual person and an asexual who cannot stand physical proximity.

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girly_girl   
girly_girl

I'm not going to come out and say I'm an assexual officially, b/c to be honest with you the semantics on some of the threads is headache inducing. However, I am in a relationship with a very sexually energized man and then there's me, a young woman in her twenties for no apparent reason has no real interest in having sex. As you can imagine this doesn't really fly. I've tried comprimising and having sex with him a few times a week (which in all honesty I find to be an annoyance). This compromise hasn't worked really well so far b/c he doesn't enjoy the blatant mercy sex. I have even contemplated medical therapy to increase my sex drive, which I think existed at one point in my life. I've heard that Avilmil stuff is just crap though. Now we are talking about going to sex therapy, to help me with my 'problem'. I don't consider it my problem, b/c I am not the one bothered by not having sex. I don't know... I like getting compliments about my appearance and self as a whole, having affection, and the closeness of a romantic relationship, but I just can't stand the sex. I keep telling him really "it's not you, it's me", but that tired line just isn't cutting it.

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Hexpiral   
Hexpiral

HI gg! Welcome to AVEN!

What do you mean by headache inducing semantics?

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Rabger   
Rabger
I'mI've heard that Avilmil stuff is just crap though. Now we are talking about going to sex therapy, to help me with my 'problem'. I don't consider it my problem, b/c I am not the one bothered by not having sex.

Your bf sounds very closed minded and focuses on just himself. You're right, it doesn't sound like you have a "problem" with not wanting sex, he does. So it's HIS problem. Whether you are asexual or not, you don't have to be a sex freak just to make someone else happy. In relationships are you supposed to compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

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Orbit   
Orbit

This section sounds great.

Is there going to also be a section for the stories of us asexuals in sexual relationships and how we compromise to make it work? That question seems to come up a lot.

hawke

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Black Wolf   
Black Wolf

I am a sexual whose wife considers herself asexual. We began talking about it several months ago, and I have to say two things about our talks. First, they have been helpful in that I have been able to understand where she is coming from better and it does help to know that. The second thing is that it has been very hard. Asexuality is something that most asexual have really not been able to communicate about completely, from what I can tell, even though they have been experiencing it throughout their lives. For a sexual, there's really nothing that prepares them to think this way at all especially, I think, for men. Frankly, my experience is that sexual drive is such a powerful force that it takes constant energy to keep it in check and focus it in appropriate ways that the idea of not really having that might be the equivalent of not having a drive to eat. I mean that fairly literally, so you can see that someone talking to you about that drive not being there is fairly alarming and initially, very disappointing.

I say very disappointing because first of all, when your wife talks to you about asexuality you will naturally think of yourself, as in "OK, what does this mean for me?". The natural fear is that you will no longer be having sex with your wife or that it won't be the same, or that your wife is that way because of you and she will find someone else to 'unlock' those feelings and leave you... the normal paranoid lunatic mind rants of anyone who is facing an unknown situation that hits close to home... but I digress. In thinking about it more, I think a big part of the issue for me is that regardless of how purely physical and superficial sex can sometimes seem, I believe that sex is much more than that and that there is a very spiritual and emotional side to it as well. I find myself able to be much more vulnerable and feel very connected to my wife during sex and would feel a big part of our relationship is missing without those times together. Not to mention the physical as well, don't get me wrong.

I guess the bottom line is that sex is a very complex thing and that it has a very complex role in a relationship. Talking about it is so important even when it is hard. My marriage is very important to me, so I am willing to work through this with my wife. I think you have to know that the other person is willing to do that and you have to constantly re-assure each other that you love each other and are committed to each other. The biggest thing that has helped me is to know that my wife loves me and is committed to me and is willing to work with me through this. I hope that she knows that about me too. We haven't figured it all out yet, but I think knowing where she is coming from helps me not take things personally.

I hope this helps and doesn't just seem like a random stream of thought...

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gypsylady   
gypsylady

Great post, Black Wolf!

I think that, since most of us don't have any (or not much, for some of us) need or desire for sex, we don't think about - or often know about - how it would affect an emotionally intimate relationship. Many members have never had sex at all, and some have never been in a serious relationship. I now consider myself asexual but have had several sexual relationships on my way here, so I can kind of see where you're coming from. There *is* a definite vulnerability that comes with sharing your body with someone else. Sex *is* probably the most vulnerable act two people can choose to participate in (that is, if they are emotionally committed). And, I think I read somewhere, that it is even more so for men, because it's a means of communicating emotion that women find it easier to talk about.

Before somebody flames me (and who would DARE :twisted: ), remember that I'm talking from my own experience. And besides, the Wrath of Spock would be upon you! But seriously, in committed relationships between a sexual and an asexual person, there are a very unique set of problems, and I suppose that each couple has to find a solution that works fairly well for each.

BW, there are a few sexual people who post here and a few asexuals too who each are involved with someone at the opposite end of the sexual spectrum. hawke is one who comes to mind, and others have come and gone. You are more than welcome here. I hope you'll read and ask questions of us whenever you want to. Good luck with your marriage! It sounds as if you have a real chance of continuing to make it work!

Gypsy

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Shivers   
Shivers
Asexuality is something that most asexual have really not been able to communicate about completely, from what I can tell, even though they have been experiencing it throughout their lives.

Without a doubt. IMHO, that's BECAUSE we've been experiencing it all our lives. To steal a quote from an author I like "What's it like having a penis?" You simply cannot describe something like that, by dint of the fact that we/you have no common base frame of reference in order to hang more concepts on.

The natural fear is that... your wife is that way because of you and she will find someone else to 'unlock' those feelings and leave you...

I'm sorry to hear that you fear this... as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual myself, I assure you that it's simply not the case. The "You just haven't met the right person" reply is the cause of one of the biggest asexual rants out there, so if she is asexual, she won't cheat on you or anything.

I believe that sex is much more than that and that there is a very spiritual and emotional side to it as well. I find myself able to be much more vulnerable and feel very connected to my wife during sex and would feel a big part of our relationship is missing without those times together.

I know this won't be too much help to you, but you need to talk to your wife about this. The two of you need to sit down together and figure out just where you stand. I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I don't know either one of you, and I don't know the situation.

My marriage is very important to me, so I am willing to work through this with my wife. I think you have to know that the other person is willing to do that and you have to constantly re-assure each other that you love each other and are committed to each other. The biggest thing that has helped me is to know that my wife loves me and is committed to me and is willing to work with me through this.

Good. I'm glad that you two are both working through this together.

Good luck to you.... and do come back and tell us what you guys figure out.

(Gypsy: "the Wrath of Spock"? Am I your designated protector? Cool (-:þ )

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Orbit   
Orbit

Black Wolf forgot to mention that he's my husband. :D Get it Ladyhawke fans? *heheheh*

I told him there was a thread asking sexuals for input and he wanted to respond - but I'm not sure he'll have the time to stick around and post as much as his forum addicted wife.

I'll see what I can do to get him back on when his input might be helpful... I think it might be interesting to get two sides of the same relationship...

Plus, reading what he writes is often easier to understand than a conversation.

hawke

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Shivers   
Shivers
Black Wolf forgot to mention that he's my husband. :D Get it Ladyhawke fans? *heheheh*

>.>

<.<

No. Did I miss a joke?

I was curious if Wolf was married to an AVENite. Now I know (-:þ

Again, good to know you guys are working at this together. *sends good luck vibes*

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Hexpiral   
Hexpiral

IS that Wheel Of Time, hawke? If so, do you have some kind of Cha Faile too?

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Silly Green Monkey   
Silly Green Monkey

I wonder why the hawk and the wolf never existed simultaneously.

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Orbit   
Orbit
Black Wolf forgot to mention that he's my husband. :D Get it Ladyhawke fans? *heheheh*

>.>

<.<

No. Did I miss a joke?

I was curious if Wolf was married to an AVENite. Now I know (-:þ

Again, good to know you guys are working at this together. *sends good luck vibes*

In the movie Ladyhawke, Isabeau and Navaar are under a curse - she is a hawke by day and a woman by night and he is a man by day and a wolf by night. They are in love, and always together, but not as man and woman... It's an incredibly romantic star crossed lovers story.

Thanks for the vibes. :D

Hexpiral, I have no idea what your talking about. *L* sorry!

SGM, you have to listen closely to the story the monk tells by the fire side - I dont' want to spoil it for others who haven't seen the movie. (I have seen it 30+ times... :oops: )

hawke

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Hexpiral   
Hexpiral

Wheel of Time is a series of fantasy books by Robert Jordan. I was thinking about some charaters: Perrin, who can talk with wolves, and his wife Faile (meaning 'falcon').

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gypsylady   
gypsylady
Black Wolf forgot to mention that he's my husband. :D Get it Ladyhawke fans? *heheheh*

I, too, wondered if BW was married to someone on the forum. hawke, I'm so glad he decided to post here. I'm not sure how much help he'll get from us, but we try :) . It's very good that he was able to lay his feelings out so succintly. And I'm glad it helps you too. I hope the two of you continue to talk about and negotiate the problem, and to let us know when we can be of help.

Yes, Spockie, you are my protector, and I will be your mommie (and protector, as mommies are ferociously protective of their families) if you need one :wink: .

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Rabger   
Rabger

I agree with everyone else, I think it's great Wolf was willing to post. And having him post along with Hawke leads to a very interesting situation here. I don't think we ever had both parties post before, have we? It def may help. I think he makes good points in perhaps helping us understand where a sexual is coming from. My ex and I never really seemed to have much of an issue resolving our diff orientations. I mean obviously sometimes we did, but for the most part, no. But I guess we got lucky in finding a place where we were both comfortable. It is possible though, and its great to see that other sexuals are willing and able to make things work with an asexual.

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