Unmarried, Childless Women

[MadRat]

I honestly believe I would be a horrible parent. I honestly believe it is a better idea for me to never have kids than to end up harming them in some sense (which I am convinced I would do -- not physically -- but harmful just the same). People say "It's different when you have kids of your own" or "You feel differently when they're your own" but honestly? I think I am better off not having children and to me that's valid.

This is how it should be. When you think you would not be a good parent, the best thing you can do is not to have children.

Unfortunately some people are so brainwashed by "every woman wants to have children" that they have children and hope something will magicaly change. But, what the Hell, nothing will change... :( Poor kids.

I know a woman who has no talent for treatment with children. She loves them, but she treated them like 12 years old when they were 5. She just doesn´t understand they are kids, not adults.

[vervain]

I am also almost 27 and I HATE when the women at work (and my boyfriend's sis-in-law)tell me that I will eventually change my mind and want kids. NO! I DON'T WANT ANY! JUST FREAKING ACCEPT IT! My own parents have accepted that their grandchild is a dog but no one else seems to be able to. (aside from my best friend and her husband who also do not want children) I also don't feel exactly comfortable around children, which is ironic since I act like one.. But I just don't know how to act around them or how to connect with them. I know people say "Oh, it'll be different with your own child!" but I don't care! I just don't want kids. The population is high enough anyway so really I'm just doing the world a favor.. :P

Likwwise. I have no idea how to talk to children or relate to them or anything (it's an exaggerated version of what I feel about adults -- these are not only Other People, but Other People with not-very-developed language/world knowledge, how the hell do you communicate with that ?!!). I find it really awkward when I'm expected to coo over other people's, I don't want to offend them but I just can't see the point of it.

A 'close' friend once told me (as a compliment) that I'd make a great mother, and I was really disturbed by that because it just showed how much he didn't understand about how I am. I can't see that being a parent would be an enjoyable or positive thing either for me or for the child. (Having children would also mean being overtly a woman and passing into the next generation up, neither of which I'm particularly comfortable with; but worse, it'd be a tie-down. I think I would suffocate).

More than the social anomalousness, I hate that employers can be reticent about employing youngish people with female bodies because they might go off and have children. I can understand the logic but it sucks for those of us who are going to carry on working right through, but have no means of convincing other people of that.

[atori]

I used to get the "you'll change your mind" line a lot, but with people that know me that has now stopped. Maybe because I'm almost 30 and have always been pretty clear about simply not being able to see myself pregnant, or with a toddler. With new acquaintances it still happens from time to time, probably because they never guess my age.

I haven't cared enough to take to heart people's pity or criticism on the matter, I wish I had more of a career so that they could just write it off on that. I felt bad about telling that to my parents at some point, but they have accepted it by now (plus my brother has a kid).

I'd probably be an awful parent as far as taking care of a child goes, and a pretty good parent as far as playing/education goes. A friend once made the remark that I'd make a horrible mother and a great dad, and that might be pretty spot on, at least as far as traditional family roles go.

Being married isn't something I'm opposed to though, but simply in a spend-your-life-with-that-one-person sort of way. Whom I don't believe I've met, and I'm pretty sceptical about that occurring. As an institution though I don't think very highly of marriage, the traditional wife role won't fly with me, the social one probably either, the idealistic one isn't worth much with the divorce rate, and I don't care about religion.

[ArtieBun]

Blargh, THIS.

The moment people realize I'm not a 12-yr-old the first questions always seem to be; "Do you have kids? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married?" There's actually a rumor at my workplace that keeps popping up, that I'm supposedly divorced with three kids.

This despite being single and not ever having sex. (Though I don't tell them about being Ace)

I always just tell them that I'm more focused on work/career right now. Pregnancy and childbirth squick me out, and I've never been especially fond of human babies. (critters are okay) On the other hand, when I try to explain this to people, I get; "Oh, well maybe you just shouldn't have children then." Which annoys the crap out of me. It's basically the same as saying; "Oh, you'd just be a terrible parent." Which I don't think is true.

I think I could be a good parent, given time to anchor myself into a stable environment, and I simply would prefer to either adopt an older child (which most people seem to avoid, hence why so many kids end up in foster care) or if I were in a relationship somehow, help take care of the other person's kids.

I don't think it's 'selfish' at all to wait until you feel ready to care for another human being, or even to simply choose not to contribute to a retardedly-huge population.

[Avistew]

I always just tell them that I'm more focused on work/career right now. Pregnancy and childbirth squick me out, and I've never been especially fond of human babies. (critters are okay) On the other hand, when I try to explain this to people, I get; "Oh, well maybe you just shouldn't have children then." Which annoys the crap out of me. It's basically the same as saying; "Oh, you'd just be a terrible parent." Which I don't think is true.

Well, you would probably know from the way they say it, but the sentence itself doesn't necessarily mean that. I think that anyone who doesn't have kids is totally right not to have them. When they say that you're right, you shouldn't have them, they're backing up your own reflections and thoughts.

I don't think it means you'd be a bad parent, and even if it did I don't think it would be an insult. I mean, replace parent with doctor, for instance. "Operating people squicks me out and I'm not fond of sick people" "Oh, well maybe you shouldn't become a doctor then". That's not insulting, it makes perfect sense. Doesn't mean the person would be bad at it in other ways, although even if that's the case, it's an even better reason to be a doctor.

I guess your problem might be that you're annoyed people associate children and babies, and you wouldn't mind children as long as they're older. I think it's because a lot of people are the opposite of you, and want babies, and kind of put aside the fact that they'll grow into teenagers and adults. You even have people who get "high" on it and have baby after baby, neglecting the previous one when it gets too old to take care of the youngest. It's pretty sad. Similarly, you have a bunch of people who want to be pregnant for the experience and don't seem to think about the fact they'll end up with a baby ("oh, I'll just get someone else to take care of it" or "oh, I'm sure it'll be fine") or to think about the time and effort that's going to be required.

That doesn't apply to all parents of course. But yeah, a lot of people are going to think "babies" when they think "children", because that's what comes first.

[test account]

I have a perverse desire to be pregnant but fortunately by brain never trips out so much that I forget there will be a human being pop out which I have responsibility for. Raising kids would be hell on earth in my opinion. I love my freedom. I can't even stand owning a cat so kids would drive me nuts. If anything I could handle maybe one if I quit my job and had extended family to give me a break now and then. My only motivation really is I think I'll be sorry when I'm old and all my friends are dead. But sod it, maybe I'll die young and solve the problem that way :lol:

[vici]

The "You'll change your mind when you're older" is one that annoys me like no other. My brother said it to me about the marriage/kids thing and for some reason I developed this automatic tick that makes me punch him whenever he says it (he says it a lot). Don't worry, he's 24 to my 21, I'm not beating someone smaller than me ;)

Also, as a dog walker (an energetic 13 month old German Shep. puppy) I despise women with children with a passion. They're always in groups, the kids are never under control. They let children (I really do not like children at all) run around and grab at strange dogs but the second a dog accidently brushes against one and they fall over dramatically (worthy of a Barcalona footballer) they start screaming like you're Hannibal Lector with a Hell Hound. People have this idea that children are sacred and everything is justified or explained by "that's a child!" or they win any argument with "I'm a mother. That is my child. I am in the right". I don't get it at all. At this point my mother just says "Imagine it was your cat..." which works on me lol

As far as I'm concerned, children run around too much, parents don't keep them under control (forget dogs on leads, kids should be on a bloody lead) they cry too easily, they do dumb stuff like jump in ponds pull a cat's tail or feed horses crisps, they demand your attention 24/7 and they're expensive. I was having a discussion (argument) with a woman who told me all women are meant to have children and I'll eventually change my mind, become maternal and do the right thing for my man. After pointing out that the only male in my life was 500 pounds and ate grass (I was also sat on him at the time *fail*) I kindly listed the above reasons as to why it isn't probable that I will become mother of the yr any time soon. I really resent people assuming I have kid, assumng I want them or tell me I will. I want to keep my flat stomach, I want to drink alcohol all yr round not stop for 9 months and my mother stopped getting her nails done after my brother was born so why on earth would I do something that stopped me getting a manicure?

I have my cat. She's all I need.

[Sally]

My only motivation really is I think I'll be sorry when I'm old and all my friends are dead. But sod it, maybe I'll die young and solve the problem that way :lol:

When you're old and your friends are dead, your kids would either be living in a different country, would need help more than you do, or would hate you. So having kids doesn't really help. :lol: Enjoy your childlessness.

[ArtieBun]

I guess your problem might be that you're annoyed people associate children and babies, and you wouldn't mind children as long as they're older. I think it's because a lot of people are the opposite of you, and want babies, and kind of put aside the fact that they'll grow into teenagers and adults. You even have people who get "high" on it and have baby after baby, neglecting the previous one when it gets too old to take care of the youngest. It's pretty sad. Similarly, you have a bunch of people who want to be pregnant for the experience and don't seem to think about the fact they'll end up with a baby ("oh, I'll just get someone else to take care of it" or "oh, I'm sure it'll be fine") or to think about the time and effort that's going to be required.

They're always in groups, the kids are never under control.

As far as I'm concerned, children run around too much, parents don't keep them under control (forget dogs on leads, kids should be on a bloody lead)

Yeah, that sounds about right. Because I never said "I don't want children", I simply stated that I didn't like babies/pregnancy which of course prompted the assumption that I wasn't maternal at all. I have somewhat-raised several babies; my younger brother (13 years younger) and two cousins, so it's not like I don't understand what it's like.

And I actually hold child-raising in great esteem because I DO know how difficult it is, so yes, I have noticed the trend for some folks to simply have kids because it's just "part of life", and it does aggravate me a bit when I see people who don't seem to take the "job" of raising other humans seriously.

It's possible that I find the "stage" of human development from child to adult more interesting and important than the stage of the drooling/diaper-staining/sand-eating/hyper-active-screaming infant/toddler. Also, I encountered a number of kids who had gone through numerous foster homes while I was in a homeless situation, they almost always had bad experiences, and ended up with emotional/drug/crime-related issues.

I'd much rather take care of an orphan, never really knowing what I might get, then spit something out of my body, point at it and go; "Look! It looks just like me! Isn't it the greatest thing ever?" I'll be far more proud to have encouraged and supported someone without a proper parent to be the greatest person THEY can be, not merely a reflection of myself

But perhaps I'm just biased as an ace, since I have a hard time grasping the difficulty some people have in keeping their pants on if they don't honestly want, or aren't ready for kids.

Oh, and about kids on leads...they actually have those. :lol: We used to put one on my lil bro when we went to the mall so he wouldn't get lost in the crowd.

[Avistew]

My only motivation really is I think I'll be sorry when I'm old and all my friends are dead. But sod it, maybe I'll die young and solve the problem that way :lol:

You realise your friends don't have to be your age and you can make new friends at any stage in life, right? :P

It's true that a lot of parents, when raising kids, socialise mostly with people around their age because they have more contact with other parents than anything, and it's killing two birds with one stone to socialise with the parents of your kid's friends.

But I know a lot of older people who never had kids and just kept meeting people through all their activities. It can also be true of people who have kids of course, although more often it happens after the ids are gone and they have a bit more time.

You can very well have friends who are the age your kids would be if you had any, for instance. Especially as you get older it makes less of a difference since everyone is an adult.

And sometimes... although it always depends of course, but sometimes friends are more reliable than kids about that. What I mean is that your kids might be busy with their own lives, but if the people are your friends, seeing you often and doing stuff together will be part of their own lives. But some people have that kind of relationship with their parents too so it depends. It's like siblings, I hear of people who go see movies with their siblings or things like that, but I haven't seen any of mine without the presence of my parents since leaving home, because that's "who I know them through" if you will.

Some people also use an argument of "when you're old and there is nobody to take care of you, you'll regret". But some kids aren't going to take care of you when you're old at all. Some will, some won't. Some will be a burden for you because they keep depending on you even through having their own kids, etc, and are always asking for help but never there to provide it...

The bottom line is, you can't really count on it so it's (in my opinion) a silly reason to have kids. Plus that sounds terrible, like you're bringing someone to the world to make them your servant or something, when you say you want ids so they'll take care of you. It kind of sounds like emotional blackmail, too "I'm your parent, I changed your diapers, you've got to take care of me now and not live your own life". While I totally get where the people are coming from, I can't help but be kind of glad it comes back to bite their asses. I feel when you raise a kid you should do it for them and not with some ulterior motive like that.

[VirginalLikeSnowWhite]

I don´t want children. When I was kid, I was bullied and I started to hate children and youth. That hate has burned down, but I still don´t want kids or generally even like them. But then I am misanthrope. I want lessen human suffering, but I don´t trust in human goodness.