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Unmarried, Childless Women


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#1 eliana

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 05:31 AM

I just read this article about society's attitude toward childless, unmarried women which I am. I am 40. I can say I totally agree with the article. When I was younger I felt very much like a woman but as I have grown older I actually am more alienated from being a woman because of these issues. This attitude of having to be married with children to be somebody has really been hard on me.

I work with a bunch of super typical woman who are all married and almost all have children. The one who also doesn't have children often feels uncomfortable about it, but at least she's married. They are really cruel and I am made to feel like an outsider. It's gotten so bad, I feel like I need to find a new career even though I enjoy working with kids. It is very hard to be in this place as an asexual. I have to lie daily and keep a low profile. It is very depressing not to be able to be yourself. I do love working with the special ed kids though.

Anyway here is a link to the article and there is an art exhibit to go with it too:

http://edgeofeverywh...ntial-humanity/

#2 Kotoko

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 06:37 AM

As a genuine question of curiosity: How are they being cruel?

I can sympathize for sure. I am still young (22 going on 23) but I recently moved to a city where a lot of girls get pregnant at a younger age than what I'm used to (lots of teens). Even the vast majority of girls my own age are in relationships, having sex, getting married, talking about starting families and buying houses, etc. It does make me feel a bit like an outsider, although no one has derided me for it (yet).

In fact, while we were on break, some of my co-workers (nurses, so mostly female) were talking about their children. The nurse educator had also joined us for lunch, and she's in her 50's and is also unmarried and without (her own) children (she has a boyfriend and her boyfriend has children from a previous marriage, though). When the discussion started on my co-workers' children and on parenting in general, the nurse educator looked at me and said, "I was the same as you at your age and for the rest of my career - everyone talking about babies and all that, but I couldn't because I had none. But you know what? While they're worrying about saving up for their children's university tuition and all that, I get to spend all my money on ME! Ahahahah!" (she's a joker at heart, so she's never 100% serious) But she made me feel a bit better about my situation and that it was perfectly fine to be unmarried and childless and successful and a woman all at the same time.

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 06:55 AM

I'm 36, single and childless. Often strangers will ask "How old are your children?" which really offends me because they are assuming I have children. Actually, it doesn't make me feel alienated. It makes me feel disdain for their boring one-dimensional attitudes.

Mind you, I work in a library and we have a number of single, childless women here in their 30s and 40s. There are the family ones too - and GOD what a boring set they are! I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but they truly are very boring women to me - perhaps because I don't relate to their topics of interest, but I suspect it is because their thoughts are dominated by a 'collective we' mentality, instead of 'myself and the other people i live with.' I hate it. I feel like saying "I'm so sorry, but I'm not interested in the daily emotional issues of your children - I'm interested in YOU - do you remember who that is????"

Please don't feel marginalized - rejoice that you are swimming against the tide of gender stereotyping. Get married and have children if you want to - and never let it make you forget who you are - one awesome lady, I have little doubt! :cake:

#4 Samael

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 08:03 AM

Well, I'm 24 and already I've heard a few times the question how old are your children. I wonder how it will be in a decade or two. Wait, on second thought I really don't want to know :wacko:

But I'm not worried really. The prejudice of others hurts only as much as you let it hurt. Tactfully ignoring opinions that are worthless to you is a good skill that everyone should develop, I think :)

Lucky for me, at the moment I work in an environment where people are not really interested in your personal life. They have their minds set on work for once, and that's more than fine by me :D
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#5 MadRat

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 09:53 AM

“Selfish… Neurotic… Irresponsible… Immature… Unfeminine… Unfulfilling… Materialistic… Uptight… Deviant” — all words I have heard to characterize my decision to not have children, a decision transforming me into a target of one of society’s remaining and widely held prejudices.

I copied this from the article in the link because it really is how I´ve been called.
I hate this stupid kidding like "You will change your mind when you grow up." I´m 26 (almost 27), so I´m probably old enough to not to change my mind. And I have known since puberty I don´t want to have children, so maybe I was in the age of 14 more mature than all these people who insulted me for being stupid, immature, blah, blah, blah...

What is selfish or irresponsible about NOT having children? I think it is much more selfish to have them only for the sake of being accepted by society. Or some people have many children because they can get social security benefits for them - in fact rather for themselves. And then you see all those children who are neglected or even abused by their parents. THIS is selfish, immature, irresponsible, deviant etc. Some people should never have children. And they should be aware of it!
I don´t like children much. I can´t say I hate them, I just don´t like them enough to have them. I think ONLY people who really LOVE children should have them.
 
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#6 Member 35376

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 12:23 PM

What is selfish or irresponsible about NOT having children?


The thing is that it is not - as you also say. Some people have a hard time understanding the concept of "responsibility". Though I don't understand the "logic" in that. If you do this world and this society a favour and not putting yourself into a situation you know you can't take care of.. I would say that the logic is pretty obvious. "I did not take job X and I did not educate myself as X because I felt that I was not the right guy for it"... most will understand that. And pardon me but it would seem that my non-existent children are still mine by logic.. if I do not want to put them on this planet of among reasons that it is not safe at all for them here.. it would actually be equal to not wanting my children to go to a school I know sucks bad.

I could go on about this but.. I think I wrote something that is valid in all aspects. The rest will have to wait.. *bangs head against the desk* -_-

#7 thylacine

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 12:53 PM

I know plenty of women who have children yet are still quite selfish and immature themselves.

Where I am, people are not "cruel" about my not being married with children, but they do certainly express their constant pity for me. They seem to look at me as a sad, poor little waiflike creature who just needs a strong man to take charge of my life.
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#8 Raccoonwolf

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 04:11 PM

Ahaha~ I'm always weird here, since I love children. But in the end I might end up with no children at all, since I'm asexual and quite lesbian. For all I know, it's all but impossible for a single to adopt a child, and for now, it's not possible for homosexual couples either.
But I think people with no children should be respected. Unmarried people too. They would be stronger than married people, for all I understand, since they can manage on their own, and not at all boring, since they have time to think of other things! ^^
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#9 Vampyremage

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 07:31 PM

I have made many decisions in life that do not go with societal norms, some or which involve a certain amount of discriminatory behavior. When a person decides to go against the grain of society, there are certain consequences of doing so. Personally, I don't agree with discriminatory behavior against those who decide to go against the grain, and that includes those who decide not to have children, but agreeing or disagreeing does not change the reality of the situation. When one makes a decision, one should take into consideration all of the likely consequences of making that decision and sometimes, unfortunately, those consequences include the disapproval of society against those choices.

I never intend to have children and have known that since a young age. Even only being 25, I have all ready felt the disapproval of some of those around me for that decision since I have always been open about it. Where I am, it isn't really a cruelty thing, but I know that it goes against the normal grain and I accept that not everyone will be all right with that and not everyone will even understand that. Maybe its easier accepting that in my own case compared to some others because of some of being into extreme body modification. Far more often do I feel discrimination based upon my choices regarding what I want my own body to look like than I have ever faced in my decision not to have children or marry. Its one of those obvious things that people can't help but notice because its literally emblazoned upon my face and body. It has taught me a lot when it comes to the reactions of society around me and I think many of those lessons have been valuable ones.
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#10 Reader of Strange Books

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 12:16 AM

Unmarried, Childless women--ooh, that's me. I am one of those awful creatures. And you know what, I am like Rhett Butler, "Frankly, my dear . . ."

Maybe it's the people I am around now, or maybe it's my age, but I don't get hassled about that sort of thing much any more. I used to get hassled about not going along with the flow and sleeping with everyone around, but that pretty much has ceased too. I do my own thing, if people don't like it, it's too bad.

Actually the thing that I do get hassled about more is the fact I don't go to church. That is simply incomprehensible, and if you think trying to explain asexuality is hard, try explaining agnosticism or atheism to a bunch of born-again Christians who assume that the whole world thinks like they do or ought to think like they do. I visited a small church recently to hear a friend preach and OMG everyone is saying Good for you, you ought to go to church. Why? Why do I ought to? I have tried explaining that a church is based on conformity of beliefs, it is not a social club, and I do not share those beliefs. For me to go would be to lie. They look at me dumbfounded. Of COURSE I believe in God. Of COURSE I believe in Jesus. Of COURSE I believe in the Bible as the Word of God. What do you mean, you don't? Not one person has asked me what I want to do or how I feel regarding this. There is so much pressure to go to church (and I live in the North) that I might as well pick the least obnoxious one out of the bunch and go just to make other people happy. Why are you going? Because it makes other people happy. When they are happy they are out of my hair; and there just might be some other benefits, like networking.

Then they wonder why there is so much hypocrisy.

#11 eliana

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 02:13 AM

As a genuine question of curiosity: How are they being cruel?

I can sympathize for sure. I am still young (22 going on 23) but I recently moved to a city where a lot of girls get pregnant at a younger age than what I'm used to (lots of teens). Even the vast majority of girls my own age are in relationships, having sex, getting married, talking about starting families and buying houses, etc. It does make me feel a bit like an outsider, although no one has derided me for it (yet).

In fact, while we were on break, some of my co-workers (nurses, so mostly female) were talking about their children. The nurse educator had also joined us for lunch, and she's in her 50's and is also unmarried and without (her own) children (she has a boyfriend and her boyfriend has children from a previous marriage, though). When the discussion started on my co-workers' children and on parenting in general, the nurse educator looked at me and said, "I was the same as you at your age and for the rest of my career - everyone talking about babies and all that, but I couldn't because I had none. But you know what? While they're worrying about saving up for their children's university tuition and all that, I get to spend all my money on ME! Ahahahah!" (she's a joker at heart, so she's never 100% serious) But she made me feel a bit better about my situation and that it was perfectly fine to be unmarried and childless and successful and a woman all at the same time.

To me 23 is really young. I could care less about it when I was 23. It didn't really hit hard until I turned 40, then I thought well it's for sure now. I really didn't want to bring a child into the world though because I work with kids and see how a parent can mess them up. I didn't want my problems to become theirs.

I think it's the profession I am in, I work with kids so I guess it seems strange not to have your own. They aren't directly cruel, but they don't invite me to things. This is probably though because we don't have much in common they are very status oriented and into bragging about remodeling their houses, going on expensive vacations, and talking about their designer clothes. They also talk constantly about their kids. There really isn't a lot of common ground. It's unfortunate that some of the people I like more have left over the years.

Well, I'm 24 and already I've heard a few times the question how old are your children. I wonder how it will be in a decade or two. Wait, on second thought I really don't want to know :wacko:

But I'm not worried really. The prejudice of others hurts only as much as you let it hurt. Tactfully ignoring opinions that are worthless to you is a good skill that everyone should develop, I think :)

Lucky for me, at the moment I work in an environment where people are not really interested in your personal life. They have their minds set on work for once, and that's more than fine by me :D


What kind of environment do you work in? I really would like to work in an environment where my personal life doesn't seem so important and it's none of anyone's business. I have been seriously thinking about even having to go back to school because of it.

I have made many decisions in life that do not go with societal norms, some or which involve a certain amount of discriminatory behavior. When a person decides to go against the grain of society, there are certain consequences of doing so. Personally, I don't agree with discriminatory behavior against those who decide to go against the grain, and that includes those who decide not to have children, but agreeing or disagreeing does not change the reality of the situation. When one makes a decision, one should take into consideration all of the likely consequences of making that decision and sometimes, unfortunately, those consequences include the disapproval of society against those choices.

I never intend to have children and have known that since a young age. Even only being 25, I have all ready felt the disapproval of some of those around me for that decision since I have always been open about it. Where I am, it isn't really a cruelty thing, but I know that it goes against the normal grain and I accept that not everyone will be all right with that and not everyone will even understand that. Maybe its easier accepting that in my own case compared to some others because of some of being into extreme body modification. Far more often do I feel discrimination based upon my choices regarding what I want my own body to look like than I have ever faced in my decision not to have children or marry. Its one of those obvious things that people can't help but notice because its literally emblazoned upon my face and body. It has taught me a lot when it comes to the reactions of society around me and I think many of those lessons have been valuable ones.


I don't really consider this whole thing to be a choice. I guess I could have had a child through artificial insemination, but being a single parent is very difficult and I'm not cut out for it.

I tried to fit in and it is virtually impossible. I had a boyfriend for 17 years and the relationship deteriorated into something negative because of my lack of interest in sex. It's too bad because we had lots in common but ultimately that was the deal breaker. I would never try to have another relationship like that with a sexual because I am an asexual. I am definitely relieved to be alone and not have to deal with that. Others pity me for being alone but I am very happy not to have to deal with the sex demands of a guy.

I miss the companionship, I would be with someone if it was not sex related. However, there aren't that many asexuals out there. I wasn't setting out to make a statement, it's just the way I am. It is impossible for me to be any other way. I've tried and it really doesn't work.

The general population needs to learn that for some people being asexual is the way they are and it's okay.
For me, it is definitely not a choice.

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 05:10 AM

Well, I'm 24 and already I've heard a few times the question how old are your children. I wonder how it will be in a decade or two. Wait, on second thought I really don't want to know :wacko:

Jeez, you must exude the father figure aura Samael to be copping that question already! At least I only used to get "Do you have children?" at your age. When you're a crusty old 30 something like me they'll probably be asking what university your kids attend.

#13 Samael

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 10:59 AM


Well, I'm 24 and already I've heard a few times the question how old are your children. I wonder how it will be in a decade or two. Wait, on second thought I really don't want to know :wacko:

But I'm not worried really. The prejudice of others hurts only as much as you let it hurt. Tactfully ignoring opinions that are worthless to you is a good skill that everyone should develop, I think :)

Lucky for me, at the moment I work in an environment where people are not really interested in your personal life. They have their minds set on work for once, and that's more than fine by me :D


What kind of environment do you work in? I really would like to work in an environment where my personal life doesn't seem so important and it's none of anyone's business. I have been seriously thinking about even having to go back to school because of it.


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Well, I'm 24 and already I've heard a few times the question how old are your children. I wonder how it will be in a decade or two. Wait, on second thought I really don't want to know :wacko:

Jeez, you must exude the father figure aura Samael to be copping that question already! At least I only used to get "Do you have children?" at your age. When you're a crusty old 30 something like me they'll probably be asking what university your kids attend.


I have no idea why someone who doesn't know me would ask that. Nonetheless, I enjoy shocking the curious with a puzzled look ^_^
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#14 InfiniteConciousness

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 07:20 PM

I'm a non transitioned MtF and this allways makes me question my woman status. I'm not only a double a but don't want children. Lucklily there are cisgender women who are the same.

#15 A Long Time Ago

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 12:37 AM

I am not looking forward to dealing with these comments and questions if I transition (I'm on the MTF spectrum) but maybe I won't have to as I am going to be a physicist (no one seems to question physicists about not getting married or not having kids).

#16 Hi =)

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Posted 18 April 2011 - 11:22 PM

I have no kids and no plans to, either - a decision I made when I was very young and my mind hasn't changed yet (I'm 25). I'm married and my husband and I have many married friends with children/babies that we adore. I don't know about him, but I get the "so, do you have any kids" or "are you planning on having kids" question quite frequently. The answer is always an emphatic "No way!" which elicits varying degrees of surprise (especially if I was just gushing over someone else's kid) and a smug "That'll change" is not too uncommon among strangers/coworkers. Arguing the point doesn't get anywhere with those people so I usually just leave it and move on to another topic. Most of my friends, though, seem to accept the decision at face value and don't question that I know what I do and don't want for my own life.

I think only people that love kids and want the main focus of their own life to be nurturing and developing another life (lives?) should be parents. People having kids because it's expected or because they want the attention, etc. drive me crazy. And there are so many people in the world already with millions of children in need of good homes adoption should be the first step, especially instead of fertility treatments. The system is so screwed up, though. This whole topic range really enrages me, but I'm getting pretty good at cutting myself off about it.

#17 Sally

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Posted 18 April 2011 - 11:33 PM

Sometimes people have children because their birth control fails. There are as many reasons that people end up as parents as there are to deliberately choose not to have children. I don't think either "side" should consider themselves more moral than the other.

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Posted 19 April 2011 - 02:02 AM

I read an article yesterday about women in their 30s who are stressing out about their biological clock ticking away. They made the point that women of that generation were given to believe that you can have a career, and then have your kids at 40, no problem. But the reality is that fertility decreases after 35, so there isn't really a huge amount of time for a woman to start a family.

They also mentioned that women who do have children sometimes regret it, but it's taboo to admit it. Some women just feel trapped and bored by doing a parenting job - it's demanding, unrelenting, and mostly thankless. People talk up parenting like it's nothing but joy all the time, and they laugh about the challenges as though it's nothing. People brag about their babies and their children and their grand children, as though perpetuating your genes is some kind of achievement.

All this bemuses me. But then I also feel bemused by people making a big deal about getting married, buying property, etc. That's just stuff some people choose to do because they want to. I don't see how it makes them special or gives them status.

#19 Sally

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Posted 19 April 2011 - 06:40 AM

I read an article yesterday about women in their 30s who are stressing out about their biological clock ticking away. They made the point that women of that generation were given to believe that you can have a career, and then have your kids at 40, no problem. But the reality is that fertility decreases after 35, so there isn't really a huge amount of time for a woman to start a family.

They also mentioned that women who do have children sometimes regret it, but it's taboo to admit it. Some women just feel trapped and bored by doing a parenting job - it's demanding, unrelenting, and mostly thankless. People talk up parenting like it's nothing but joy all the time, and they laugh about the challenges as though it's nothing. People brag about their babies and their children and their grand children, as though perpetuating your genes is some kind of achievement.

All this bemuses me. But then I also feel bemused by people making a big deal about getting married, buying property, etc. That's just stuff some people choose to do because they want to. I don't see how it makes them special or gives them status.


God, every mother I've ever known has sometimes regretted having children! Even though you love them, children are a real pain in the butt. Children do not give you status; they give you problems. :lol: But that's what mothers admit to each other; they're not going to admit it to most other people; instead, they're going to brag about them.

What women who have children when they're 40 don't realize beforehand is that it is an EXTREME pain in the butt to have a 15-year-old when you're 55 years old.

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#20 philos-phobos

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Posted 19 April 2011 - 04:19 PM

What women who have children when they're 40 don't realize beforehand is that it is an EXTREME pain in the butt to have a 15-year-old when you're 55 years old.


My mom had me when she was 42 :unsure:
Aww... are you saying I'm an EXTREME pain in the butt, Sally? :(

Ha! I probably was, at least my rebellious phase was near nonexistent.

#21 Hi =)

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 04:39 PM

Sometimes people have children because their birth control fails. There are as many reasons that people end up as parents as there are to deliberately choose not to have children. I don't think either "side" should consider themselves more moral than the other.


I agree with you. People having children because they want to be a parent and mold a young life into a good adult - great! Accidents happen (my sister and I were both accidental/failed BC) and that's fine as long as the situation is handled properly (take responsibility for the child and raise it properly or hand it over to someone who will, etc.). What drives me crazy are the people that intentionally have kids just because people are supposed to have kids, or want to have them for the attention (both from others and the kids themselves). People that abuse/neglect their children instead of admitting they aren't cut out to be a parent. People that have huge families because they want huge families not because they want to be a parent to a large group of children and then make the kids look after each other because there are too many for the parent(s) to handle - and then have some more!

People need to stop and think about all that goes into something before deciding to do it. You shouldn't get a pet that doesn't fit your lifestyle just because it's cute and you shouldn't have kids just because it's common/expected, etc. From what I can tell, this happens far too often.

#22 Deremna

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 04:52 PM

I hate this stupid kidding like "You will change your mind when you grow up." I´m 26 (almost 27), so I´m probably old enough to not to change my mind. And I have known since puberty I don´t want to have children, so maybe I was in the age of 14 more mature than all these people who insulted me for being stupid, immature, blah, blah, blah...

I don´t like children much. I can´t say I hate them, I just don´t like them enough to have them. I think ONLY people who really LOVE children should have them.


I am also almost 27 and I HATE when the women at work (and my boyfriend's sis-in-law)tell me that I will eventually change my mind and want kids. NO! I DON'T WANT ANY! JUST FREAKING ACCEPT IT! My own parents have accepted that their grandchild is a dog but no one else seems to be able to. (aside from my best friend and her husband who also do not want children) I also don't feel exactly comfortable around children, which is ironic since I act like one.. But I just don't know how to act around them or how to connect with them. I know people say "Oh, it'll be different with your own child!" but I don't care! I just don't want kids. The population is high enough anyway so really I'm just doing the world a favor.. :P

#23 FrozenCherry

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 05:55 PM

It is impossible to love me. My kids would hate me. Whole world laugh for me. But I am selfharmer so I can enjoy of pain.
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#24 ApparentlyNotAsexual

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 04:54 AM

and a smug "That'll change" is not too uncommon among strangers/coworkers.


I get this from my family! Random strangers don't often ask. I'm only 19-don't anybody dare comment that I'm too young to know- but I've known I don't want kids since... well, I've never wanted kids. I hated taking care of baby dolls! I had to take care of my sister's kid (well, pretty much raise) for a year when I was 13- talk about effective birth control! I like kids- as long as they belong to other people. So I can hand them back when they get boring again. Or start crying. I'm fine with being an aunty... anything more is out of the question. The worst part is the smug CERTAINTY that I'll change. You don't know I'll change- maybe you did, maybe you just say you did. I don't think I will. It's not a whim decision. I've thought about it. I've considered it. I can't even stand taking care of my brother- he's 28, we share an apartment. A child would probably end up starving or something. Yep, that's my... umm... ten cents on the subject.

I'm not on AVEN anymore because this site is trying to invalidate my orientation. I no longer fit here and I no longer feel welcome here. If you see a post of mine and reply, don't expect one back.


#25 Avistew

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 06:02 AM

I'm a non transitioned MtF and this allways makes me question my woman status. I'm not only a double a but don't want children. Lucklily there are cisgender women who are the same.


Yes, you should feel very reassured that it doesn't make you any less of a woman.

I am only 26, and I have been married, so I definitely get less of that. Still, when I was married, there was a LOT of pressure, a lot of questions such as "why did you get married if you don't want kids?" and reproaches "your poor husband" or "he's going to leave you if you don't give him kids". Lots of comments about how having children is an essential step of womanhood, and lots of things like that...
I can only assume that it gets worse with age. Also, being unmarried would give you a whole different set of stereotypes to live with, which I can imagine would be pretty hard. At least I had my husband for support.
I also had a lot of pity from people who thought we couldn't have kids. Followed by anger when we said it was on purpose, saying "what about people who can't have kids? You're being selfish!". Yeah, because having an unwanted kid would make it so much more bearable for people who want kids but can't have them >.>

I for one can totally get why you wouldn't want kids when you work with them, though. I mean, who doesn't come home from work wanting to get away from work, at least from time to time? If it's only to get more of it, no thanks!
I'm sexual and polyamorous

#26 Sally

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 06:46 AM


What women who have children when they're 40 don't realize beforehand is that it is an EXTREME pain in the butt to have a 15-year-old when you're 55 years old.


My mom had me when she was 42 :unsure:
Aww... are you saying I'm an EXTREME pain in the butt, Sally? :(

Ha! I probably was, at least my rebellious phase was near nonexistent.


Well, then you weren't! :lol: However, I'll bet she was a bit more tired than younger mothers.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#27 MadRat

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 11:10 AM

"why did you get married if you don't want kids?" and reproaches "your poor husband" or "he's going to leave you if you don't give him kids". Lots of comments about how having children is an essential step of womanhood, and lots of things like that...

I also had a lot of pity from people who thought we couldn't have kids. Followed by anger when we said it was on purpose, saying "what about people who can't have kids? You're being selfish!". Yeah, because having an unwanted kid would make it so much more bearable for people who want kids but can't have them >.>

:evil: Stupid jerks like these always make me feel like I need to move to an outlying island and never talk to anyone again.
 
We must remember wounds so deep
take time to heal,
and sometimes, though we struggle still,
life seems surreal.
 
(Nevermore - Dead Heart in a Dead World)
 

 


#28 thylacine

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 01:14 PM

I walk through the supermarket getting groceries and always there is this vicious little rat running around screaming its head off, "Mommy! Mommy! I hate you! I hate you, Mommy!" Then I thank God I'm asexual with no husband and no brats. :lol:
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#29 Asexy Existentialist

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 07:24 PM

I am definitely relieved to be alone and not have to deal with that. Others pity me for being alone but I am very happy not to have to deal with the sex demands of a guy.

I miss the companionship, I would be with someone if it was not sex related. However, there aren't that many asexuals out there. I wasn't setting out to make a statement, it's just the way I am. It is impossible for me to be any other way. I've tried and it really doesn't work.

The general population needs to learn that for some people being asexual is the way they are and it's okay.
For me, it is definitely not a choice.

This.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Ghandi

#30 Idraena

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Posted 29 April 2011 - 08:07 AM

I have consciously known I don't want kids since I was about 12 years old. That was when I first thought about it. So I've never wanted kids in my entire life. I'm 19 and that position has never wavered.

I get comments like "That'll change" ALL THE TIME. But people don't seem to realize that I am not basing my decision purely on feelings ... I have thought about it rationally. I don't like children. I don't understand children. I have no idea how to talk to them. I'm not a good teacher and I don't think I'd do well with the entire situation. (Yes, I've tried, I've taught grades K-4 at least briefly as my mother is a teacher and I often help out in her classroom.) I also have a temper (which I can control far, far better these days and knowing the cause of something/being more self-aware helps a LOT -- most people these days don't even realize I get angry -- but still) and I have a vindictive streak if something really pisses me off. Two-year-old temper tantrums would not bode well, I feel. Honestly the gut "I just don't like kids" DOES have something to do with my decision, but more so, so does the fact that I honestly believe I would be a horrible parent. I honestly believe it is a better idea for me to never have kids than to end up harming them in some sense (which I am convinced I would do -- not physically -- but harmful just the same). People say "It's different when you have kids of your own" or "You feel differently when they're your own" but honestly? I think I am better off not having children and to me that's valid.

Plus, looking back on my childhood, I can see a lot of things my parents did right, but for years, I was convinced they were just trying to stop me from expressing myself and having fun (I had a curfew earlier than my friends, I wasn't allowed to wear revealing clothing/makeup for a while, going out with my friends was a privilege that could be taken away if I "misbehaved" -- and we often disagreed about the definition of that). These are not bad things when I look back on them, but they definitely felt like it. I definitely felt misunderstood as a child -- and to some extent I think I was, but they did their best -- it is sometimes difficult to know how to explain something to a child in a way that will make it okay if you're not inside that child's head. Case in point, I apparently FREAKED OUT at the idea of Santa Claus putting presents in my room for years, and my parents never worked out what my problem was until I turned 4 and I could explain to them, "Mummy, I don't want that man in my room!" After that they put the presents in the living room so he wouldn't have to be in my room when I was sleeping. But how could they know that's what was bothering me without being in my head?

Regarding the conversation about "How old are your kids?" I went to a formal dinner to hear Vice President Biden speak last year, when I was 18. My friend also went, who was 19, and my neighbor, who was 85. My friend and I are very close and have been close since we were about 7, but A) I'm asexual, B) he's gay, and C) neither of us (at that time) wanted kids. (He has since decided he eventually wants to adopt, but that's beside the point.) Someone else at the table turned to us and said, "Do you have any kids?" We were stunned. First of all, we aren't together, and there would be some orientation problems if we wanted to be (I'm a girl, he's a gay man, for a start), and secondly, NEITHER OF US WAS 20 YET. I was like, WTF?!?! We corrected them but we still joke about how it would have been funnier to play along XD

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On humanity:


"Just when you'd think that they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of." -- Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

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