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Destined for Loneliness?


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#1 Audalean

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 04:43 AM

After viewing numerous topics on this forum relating to various types of relationship stories and after speaking to a friend to see if I should speak out, I decided to join this forum to tell my story and (hopefully) get some feedback from people that may have been in a similar situation.

I recently came to the realization that I am an asexual. I am 26, have never had sex, and have never dated nor been in a relationship (those things don't really interest me). My initial excuse was that I was focusing on school and my career, but said excuses are not really valid anymore. I have since landed my career job, have 3-4 close friends (that also accept my orientation), and workout regularly, so I'm in decent shape. You would think that I should be happy with my current situation, right? Well, this is not the case.

The most important thing in my life for me is to have those people that I feel I can tell anything to, that will accept me for who I am no matter what, will make time for me, and will genuinely have love for me. In other words, the definition of a best friend. I'm lucky to have a few individuals that I can call my best friends, and I am extremely grateful for that, but I'm still not happy with my current situation, which I will now explain.

I tend to find that whenever I draw too close to somebody, I tend to become too emotionally dependent on them (clingy). I want to spend time doing fun things with them, want to be there for them when they're feeling down, want to be a priority in their life instead of merely an option, etc. I have been through a number of friends that have generally backed away when they realized this (I don't talk to them anymore because they just stopped contacting me with no explanation whatsoever), and only those few that have reciprocated my feelings are the ones I consider myself closest to. I am also the type of person that prefers to spend person to person time with these people. Group time is okay once in a while, but it's the person to person face time that I genuinely value the most. Now comes the problem. All of my closest friends are straight males that actively engage in dating and relationships. My closest friend (and current roommate) is one such friend that I have helped through so many situations (financially, emotionally, and mentally) including a rough break up with his ex girlfriend, family concerns, etc. I have always been here for this person, and expected them to do the same for me. The issue here is that this person (as with most typical guys), after finding a female that could make for a potential girlfriend, will devote a majority of his time and energy into said girl. Since I'm not a typical guy, I desire more time than my friend is willing to give, which leaves me feeling jealous and alone when so much time is spent on her. I WANT to feel genuinely happy when he tells me how happy he is with her and all that, but instead I feel nothing but jealousy. I understand that this is a TYPICAL thing when a buddy starts a relationship with a girl, so you don't need to tell me as much. I have talked with him about how I feel, and he says he understands and always makes time for me and his other closest friends, but between what he says and what actually happens seem completely different. I have also talked with my other friends about this situation, and they have pretty much recommended that I really need to find other friends to spend time with and stop relying on my closest friend so much. I completely agree with them, and I have made attempts to hang out with other friends, but I just don't experience the same level of fun as I did with my closest friend when we had hung out in the past. Another complication is that most of my other friends are busy with their own lives and relationships, so requests to go out and do stuff are rare. I also understand that I was setting my expectations way too high on my friend because I had put so much time and effort into the friendship that wasn't being reciprocated in the way I had hoped. False expectations is another problem that I need to overcome. One other point of concern is that a lot of the time I feel like I'm the one that has to view and understand things "from the other side", i.e. how the other person feels about these situations, but they don't have to view things from my side. This may seem silly, but it's how I feel.

This brings me to the topic of this post. Am I destined for a life of loneliness? Is it really going to end up like this unless I go out and enter the dating scene and perhaps engage in a relationship of my own?

I appreciate those who took the time to read my long rant. I may have missed a few points, but this is pretty much the entire scenario.

#2 duckduck

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 04:58 AM

i feel the same way. i get attached to the friends that i make. and like your situation, they stop talking to me for no apparent reason. i've stopped looking for friends because i've gotten so depressed over them. i too have wondered if i'm going to be alone forever. i've had bad luck with everything.

i can't say that getting into a relationship is going to change everything. but what i can say is that you should try to find something that makes you happy even if it doesn't include friends. happiness is key.

#3 eliana

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 06:04 AM

The problem is that they are having that deep connection with their boyfriend or girlfriend so that is how their needs are being met.

I guess it would be important to make several friends so that you have more support since you don't have a gf. The other thing is trying to find an asexual partner as some people do.

Also look to connect with other people who are single and not looking so that they have more time for you.

Coupled people just don't have the time, which gets even worse if they have kids.

#4 BattleSword

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 09:59 AM

As we get older, our long-time sexual friends start to get into steady relationships and have less and less time to hang out with us. Then we start looking for other people and find out that they're all on the same situation regarding relationships. We finally decide to look for asexuals and soon discover that a like-minded person who is also asexual is not always that easy to find (at least not close to where you live). Oh, boy.

#5 FrozenCherry

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 10:13 AM

I am. I hope you are not.
It is your fault

#6 MadRat

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 10:25 AM

Im not clingy, so it makes things easier for me. Im also very independent and almost aromantic, so being single doesnt bother me too much.
But if you feel too lonely, try to find an asexual partner. It will be much more difficult to find a partner than it is for sexuals, but you can at least try it. Thanks gods for internet, it could help a lot. ;)
 
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life seems surreal.
 
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#7 Haunted Trolley

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 12:31 PM

With respect to how your close friends can begin to drift, I know how that feels. However, I have come to realize through certain experience that loneliness is literally a non-existent thing for me. I have previously spent alot of time in isolation, and I have been happy with it to the fullest extent.od luck

But it seems that you are able to keep yourself busy, but you feel as though something is missing. And that is completely understandable.

As for hanging out with people, I myself have been fortunate to have made a friend who is twice my age (I am 24, and he is 48), and who seems to identify as asexual, AND I met him through my DAD! So if you keep your head up, and continue to be as outgoing as you seemingly are, you might meet someone more like yourself (i.e. no dating, relationships, families, etc.) who just cares about friendship and nothing more.

Hang in there, and have some :cake: :cake: :cake: for good luck!
You say it is what I think - I say it is what I know

You say it is what I choose - I say it is who I am

You say it is a matter of opinion - I say it is a matter of knowledge

#8 Pandora's Fox

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 04:25 PM

Considering you're not the only one destined to be lonely here, we can all hang out and be lonely together. :cake:

#9 Dead Account

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 06:20 PM

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#10 ily

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 09:44 PM

First of all, welcome to AVEN, I hope you're in the mood for cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: I'm glad you found us.

Anyway, I'm 26 as well, and I can closely relate to what you're talking about: Wanting to spend more time with friends, they're busy with romantic relationships, wanting to feel happy for them but still having that twinge of jealousy, wondering if you'll always be lonely...yeah, it's all there. I also agree about hanging out with people one-on-one. If I'm always in a group with my friends and all their boyfriends and girlfriends, I never get to experience any kind of emotional intimacy myself.

I think these are pretty common problems for asexuals our age. When I was in college, like up until the age of 21, everyone would just hang out in a big platonic group. Then suddenly after graduation, people started pairing off, and it was like I had no idea what happened. I don't know...I feel like I can really depress myself by focusing too much on my relationships (or lack thereof). Don't get me wrong, I enjoy human connection as much as the next person, but something that helps me with loneliness is engaging in various hobbies and creative activities, then I feel like I'm accomplishing something, no matter what my friends are doing.

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#11 Samael

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 01:40 PM

Apologies for necroing a few months old thread.

Anyway, I got wondering why some people are inherently cool with being alone, while for others it's terrible? For me it's natural to be alone, and spending my spare time with a partner would be an out-of-space idea. It's reversed for some, and I find it's hard to imagine what's it like to feel compelled to cling to someone. Even if I couldn't understand what's it like on the other side of the fence, I accept the existence of the duality.

I'm 24 and I've always taken it for granted that I will be alone because that's what I want. It would be interesting to some day understand what it feels like to feel lonely, as I bet being alone is a world apart from that.
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. Ive just found 10,000 ways that wont work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#12 my_name_is_coco

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 01:52 PM

hello Audalean! well I think that our own happiness doesn't really have to come from other people.happiness has to come from within ourselves.maybe you can try spending time on your own.take up a hobby or activity that interests you.that way,you can get to know yourself more.you will find out what makes you truly happy,what ticks you off,etc.a cool bonus would be you can find other friends with the same interest as you do. :)

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#13 pancakeattack

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Posted 12 July 2011 - 03:42 PM

As we get older, our long-time sexual friends start to get into steady relationships and have less and less time to hang out with us. Then we start looking for other people and find out that they're all on the same situation regarding relationships. We finally decide to look for asexuals and soon discover that a like-minded person who is also asexual is not always that easy to find (at least not close to where you live). Oh, boy.


true that.
"...the great tragedy of the world is not that people suffer, but how much they miss when they suffer. Nothing is quite as depressing as wasted pain, agony without an ultimate meaning or purpose." ~Fulton Sheen

#14 Gho St Ory Qwan

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Posted 20 July 2011 - 06:37 PM

Apologies for necroing a few months old thread.

Anyway, I got wondering why some people are inherently cool with being alone, while for others it's terrible? For me it's natural to be alone, and spending my spare time with a partner would be an out-of-space idea. It's reversed for some, and I find it's hard to imagine what's it like to feel compelled to cling to someone. Even if I couldn't understand what's it like on the other side of the fence, I accept the existence of the duality.

I'm 24 and I've always taken it for granted that I will be alone because that's what I want. It would be interesting to some day understand what it feels like to feel lonely, as I bet being alone is a world apart from that.

For me personally, I am a little stuck on the idea that no one can be confirmed to truly exist but myself. Everything could be a fabrication of my mind. So I guess I like the idea of being so close to someone that they could become as real to me as I am. Someone who I could know for sure isn't a fabrication of my mind and a way to reassure me I'm not alone in the universe.
But it always sounds silly when I say it. But that's how it feels for me. It'd be great to feel that connection with a person as strongly as I feel my own existence. I don't think it's possible though.
They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me. --Nathaniel Lee

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#15 Cazz333

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Posted 21 July 2011 - 07:24 PM

Lack of understanding from understanding from others and within yourself makes you the most lonely. However, understanding others somewhat and understanding bits of yourself makes you less lonely. The happiness comes from the effort.
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#16 Samael

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Posted 21 July 2011 - 08:18 PM


Apologies for necroing a few months old thread.

Anyway, I got wondering why some people are inherently cool with being alone, while for others it's terrible? For me it's natural to be alone, and spending my spare time with a partner would be an out-of-space idea. It's reversed for some, and I find it's hard to imagine what's it like to feel compelled to cling to someone. Even if I couldn't understand what's it like on the other side of the fence, I accept the existence of the duality.

I'm 24 and I've always taken it for granted that I will be alone because that's what I want. It would be interesting to some day understand what it feels like to feel lonely, as I bet being alone is a world apart from that.

For me personally, I am a little stuck on the idea that no one can be confirmed to truly exist but myself. Everything could be a fabrication of my mind. So I guess I like the idea of being so close to someone that they could become as real to me as I am. Someone who I could know for sure isn't a fabrication of my mind and a way to reassure me I'm not alone in the universe.
But it always sounds silly when I say it. But that's how it feels for me. It'd be great to feel that connection with a person as strongly as I feel my own existence. I don't think it's possible though.


"Silly" isn't the first thing that comes to my mind, but that does sound rather romantic to me.

I'm not particularly interested in verifying my existence though, as I accept it unconditionally whether I or any else exists here and now or only in someone's imagination, whatever the truth may be.

In the end, I think no amount of reassurance will truly be enough to prove one way or another. If we are a product of imagination, there's no way to know it for sure or enough grounds to discard it.
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. Ive just found 10,000 ways that wont work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#17 sodium

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Posted 21 July 2011 - 10:50 PM

Apologies for necroing a few months old thread.

Anyway, I got wondering why some people are inherently cool with being alone, while for others it's terrible? For me it's natural to be alone, and spending my spare time with a partner would be an out-of-space idea. It's reversed for some, and I find it's hard to imagine what's it like to feel compelled to cling to someone. Even if I couldn't understand what's it like on the other side of the fence, I accept the existence of the duality.

I'm 24 and I've always taken it for granted that I will be alone because that's what I want. It would be interesting to some day understand what it feels like to feel lonely, as I bet being alone is a world apart from that.

I accept that I'm alone, and will probably be alone for a long time.
But I do wonder how life would be like if I wasn't alone. Probably too much added stress for me right now.

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