Isn't it hard to find Asexual MEN?

[Br00klynB0y81]

I'd consider myself a heater-asexual male. I'm quite popular with my friends, family, and colleagues however, there tends to be something that tips people off to the fact that I operate differently. I think it's the fact that I never talk about sex/relationships and don't engage (or appear visibly awkward) when others speak of the topic(s) around me. Usually, this is misconstrued as me being gay; however I don't think anyone would be more surprised to the news that I'm actually straight OR gay, since I carry now definitive sexual characteristics of either. One of the most reassuring things is that when I do tell someone (or they question me about it), their response is more often "that makes sense" or "I can see/understand that." I don't openly discuss my asexuality, but I don't hide it either. I don't put on a front (like I may have in my younger days) and usually respond truthfully if I am asked.

In terms of attraction, I'd say that when I meet someone new, I don't categorize them as man or woman. I've become intellectually and/or emotionally attatched to men and women, but I also think that as an asexual, I place a much higher value on deep friendships. It's never been a sexual attraction, and for that matter, I'm awkward as hell with regard to signs of affection too. Always gets me into trouble at some point in relationships, so I simply stopped dating and concentrated on my close friendships, with which I get the most personal fulfillment.

[Br00klynB0y81]

Hetero... Not "heater"... Stupid auto-correct!

[daveb]

:lol: I was trying to figure out what a "heater-asexual" was...

[eee]

Maybe we should have a dating thread here on Aven. Just get in and introduce yourself and the type of woman/man you are attracted to. I met my asexy partner here.....it was totally unintentional because I always hated relationships and it was a big surprise.

Might not be a bad idea. I know this isn't a dating site, but since people do get together on AVEN, might as well give it a shot.

doesn't it make sense that some asexuals would prefer to date other asexuals? After all, this is one of the biggest ace community online. Maybe someone should kindly ask the Moderator to open a section for dating and meeting people only. Those who hate romance and dating don't have to enter it and be bothered by the contents. Someone can formulate the layout and have one section for the ladies, one second for the gents, one section for bi and one section for same sex interest. I mean all you have to do is have a detailed or mysterious intro...however you like. For instance, you can have a opening line, a little intro on your age, location and interests. Tell people what exactly you are interested in and looking for. To be discreet, you can ask people to privately pm you instead of replies. You can even send each other photos under your own consent. Here's a demo: " Name: Thebirdsandbees. age: 30. male. asexual and very romantic. Location: mid west Canada. Hope to meet a pen pal or a companion within ...of the radius. I like to read and write and am a construction worker. Hope to meet someone who can make me laugh and appreciates good food. If you are interested or want to see a photo, please pm me."

seriously, this isn't hard or bad. People r sociable creatures and some wants a little bit more.

A simpler solution might be just post what you're about and what you're looking for in your profile, and maybe a short note in your signature letting folk know you're looking. Just me thinking out loud a bit...

I think that would be quite a bit harder to do than to make a post on a dating section. I can picture a lot of people being afraid of looking desperate by having things like a notice in their signature advertising that they're looking for someone. Also, posting in a dating section would clear up any doubt about your availability. I think a dating section would make it a lot easier for conversations to get started between interested people.

yeah seriously, it makes perfect sense. I have a aromantic mentality but I love to suggest solutions. It's not undignified to go in a dating section and post your ad. As long as people are mature about their intentions and keep it discreet and polite, it would be so great to see some changes for the singles.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Doing a thread is way more easy to deal than going seeking and skeeing each profile you can find in this site. Anyway do you have the time for it? are you than needed? Not even me lol! let's do it as easy as we can. I may start the men skeeing men to see how is goes! :P

[amorfati]

I exist. I think Try finding identifying asexual biologists. There are only 2 of us I know of.

I am an asexual biologist! I am graduating with a biology degree this may! :lol:

[Bobandirus]

I exist. I think Try finding identifying asexual biologists. There are only 2 of us I know of.

I am an asexual biologist! I am graduating with a biology degree this may! :lol:

Yay! And I think I spotted a couple more as well, making 6! What bit of biology do you like?

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I exist. I think Try finding identifying asexual biologists. There are only 2 of us I know of.

I am an asexual biologist! I am graduating with a biology degree this may! :lol:

Yay! And I think I spotted a couple more as well, making 6! What bit of biology do you like?

Stay in the topic please! we need to know where the cakes men are!!! Did I said i was not so needed? well... sometimes I am! lol XD for cake! what was you thinking? I love cake! :lol: lol!!!!

[Ged of Earthsea]

Yay! And I think I spotted a couple more as well, making 6! What bit of biology do you like?

Stay in the topic please! we need to know where the cakes men are!!! Did I said i was not so needed? well... sometimes I am! lol XD for cake! what whats you thinking? I love cake! !!!!

This is on topic! "What kind of biology are you into?" may not sound as obviously asexual as 'What's your favourite result in elementary number theory', but it is a pickup line in disguise, you know. Besides, there's some important biology in baking (or used to be).

[Theone]

<----------- Asexual man!

[passionatefriend61]

So what's the verdict? Are there really less ace men than women? A lot of us seem to think so (not just in this thread but all over the forum.) Do we even have any way of knowing?

I hope it's about even in real life, regardless of the ratio in the online community. Otherwise, hetero-affectional female aces are in a hard spot.

[Stormy Wether]

So what's the verdict? Are there really less ace men than women? A lot of us seem to think so (not just in this thread but all over the forum.) Do we even have any way of knowing?

I hope it's about even in real life, regardless of the ratio in the online community. Otherwise, hetero-affectional female aces are in a hard spot.

Not really, there also seem to be a fair few homoromantic female aces, which would lessen the competition for the men (who must be feeling a bit hunted by now).

I'd be interested to see the distribution of AA's across all genders.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Maybe doing a poll about it? I know some people will hate the poll, anyway it would be interesting the fact in statistics about Aven, anyway, not that I need it, we all know the true! lol

[Stormy Wether]

go ahead and poll me, baby *runs away*

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

go ahead and poll me, baby *runs away*

:( Don't run :( I'm not so fast! lol

[Hap2]

So what's the verdict? Are there really less ace men than women? A lot of us seem to think so (not just in this thread but all over the forum.) Do we even have any way of knowing?

I hope it's about even in real life, regardless of the ratio in the online community. Otherwise, hetero-affectional female aces are in a hard spot.

There probably isn't any solid way of knowing available to us right now, as has been said, most men aren't as vocal about their sexuality mostly due to the type of society we live in. We're out there, but we are really spread out, and there are likely few that think of their sexuality as such.

[Wineblood]

the men (who must be feeling a bit hunted by now).

I'm up for being hunted, not much of a "hunter" myself :P

[Ged of Earthsea]

So what's the verdict? Are there really less ace men than women? A lot of us seem to think so (not just in this thread but all over the forum.) Do we even have any way of knowing?

I hope it's about even in real life, regardless of the ratio in the online community. Otherwise, hetero-affectional female aces are in a hard spot.

The verdict is a big fat don't know. Unsatisfying yes, but I don't see significantly better data available soon (say, next 20 years). The "look around you" argument is highly unreliable. Online pre-selection aside, our intuitive observations are heavily biased and an unreliable guide to population statistics. Awareness of asexuality is fairly low; I doubt there are enough self-aware asexuals looking for partners for a disproportionate distribution to be a problem yet.

[BadKarma]

So what's the verdict? Are there really less ace men than women? A lot of us seem to think so (not just in this thread but all over the forum.) Do we even have any way of knowing?

I hope it's about even in real life, regardless of the ratio in the online community. Otherwise, hetero-affectional female aces are in a hard spot.

If I may opine about this (and I will), I really think there are.

There ARE straight ace men. I'm one of them. That being said, it's not a common thing (as if asexuality itself is common in humans).

Were I to speculate (and I will), I'd explain that discrepancy like this:

Testosterone is one of the more important hormones in regulating sex drive. Women simply have less testosterone than men pre-menopause, hence why there is a relatively justified cultural acceptance that men are "hornier" than women are. That, coupled with societal pressure/conditioning, makes it more difficult for a man to be asexual than a woman. Yes, conditioning very much CAN affect a person's sexuality (go talk to all of the closeted homosexuals in America), sometimes irrevocably (go talk to all the born-again Christian homosexuals in America), and men are more conditioned towards sexual conquests than women are in just about every country ever.

That is not to say that women are not allowed to be sexual: rather, it's generally a man's obligation to pursue a woman in most courtship rituals. The man is outright stating his desire for sex, while the woman is trying to hold her own desire back until he can prove himself worthy, as is pretty typical of any sexually dimorphous species. Yes, there are obviously exceptions to this rule, but the rule exists nonetheless.

Therefore, women, being taught by their culture to be anything from "seductive, yet exclusive" to "outright prudish", can come to terms with asexuality far easier than men can. Even when COMPLETELY ignoring the cases of women who became asexual after assault/rape, there are still many more of them who just don't care much for sex, and their culture has taught them that it's at least partially alright (or at least implied it to them with the whole "be unavailable" schtick). Add the fact that they have statistically lower levels of the libido hormone, the fact that 1/4 of their pre-menopause, post-puberty life is spent on feminine hygiene issues, and the fact that they typically don't use sex as a milestone for social advancement, and the concept/existence of asexual women is almost socially acceptable. Hell, it accounts for about 50% of all sitcom jokes ever.

Now compare that to men: in almost all societies, their worth and status as a true man is measured partially in their sexual conquests. Many countries have firmly imposed polygyny, and even the ones where monogamy is in style still hardly enforce the concept of "only one woman ever". It's more like "only one woman at one time unless those two girls at the bar are open to some experimentation". Furthermore, the male human brain is a tad bit more hardwired towards sex than the female human brain (again, I am absolutely NOT trying to say that women are not sexual beings. It's just a bit less enforced within the biological make-up). We have higher testosterone levels, strict cultural obligations, disapproving friends.

To elaborate on those last two, consider this scenario:

A woman sits with her female friends. They're sitting around the tv at one of their houses, drinking and making merry. One of them strikes up a conversation that amounts to "List your sexual conquests from the past year. I wanna know how many dudes you all totally pounded. And they had better be really hot dudes, too. No fat guys. I'm not directly stating it, but I'm probably gonna think less of you if it's under five. And so are Susan and Mary."

It's not a very believable scenario.

Now, the same thing with men. Some guys are sitting around, drinking and making merry. One of them strikes up a conversation that amounts to "List your sexual conquests from the past year. I wanna know how many chicks you all totally pounded. And they better be really hot chicks, too. No fat girls. I'm not directly stating it, but I'm probably gonna think less of you if it's under five. And so are Steve and Martin."

Self-explanatory. Peer pressure is a major, MAJOR factor in human relationships/behavior. We're inherently social animals, and we instinctively try to fit in to avoid being ostracized by the group. When one of the responsibilities of being in a group is to be both sexual and open about it, it's not just difficult to come out as asexual. It's difficult to even BE asexual.

This last part is pretty HUGE speculation on my part (whereas the other things I said can be backed up with studies and psychological journals), but I think that the prevalence of gay asexual men over straight asexual men is simply a matter of personal acceptance/openness. In the modern American culture, it takes quite a bit of guts to come out as gay, either as a man or a woman. If you can not only admit homosexuality to yourself but to your family/peers, adding on a "but I don't really like sex to begin with" is not very difficult. In fact, I'd reckon it would make the whole ordeal even easier. You could just make a jovial allusion to Albus Dumbledore, or assure your judgmental father that you may be gay, but he's probably never gonna have to meet your boyfriend because you don't date people either.

So to recap, asexual women are, while not totally understood/accepted, at least a visible part of social conversation. They appear in comedies and tv shows. They're heralded as modern feminists or unique individuals. They can sometimes have incredibly good psychological reasons behind their aversion to sex, and their friends don't ever mock them for it.

In comparison, asexual men are never spoken about. No action hero is ever a strong, yet sexless, role model. No literary archetypes fit them, no culture really admits their existence, and an asexual man generally has to live in the shadows unless he's highly outspoken/highly self-confident or so anti-social that he doesn't have many friends (not trying to be insulting here: just making a point). If a man is an introvert, he can generally avoid speaking about his lack of sexual interest because nobody expects him to speak about anything at all, and the close friends he does have are doubtfully judgmental enough to hate on him for it. If a man is an extrovert, however, he probably has a lot of male friends who WILL harangue him endlessly, try to set him up with women either out of pity, misunderstanding, pranking, or some deluded form of "rehabilitation".

Since introverts are not the sort of people to fill out surveys on personal sexual behavior, and extroverts may have to hide their true feelings out of embarrassment/irritation, the probability of finding an outspoken asexual man is slim to none, ESPECIALLY a straight one. Even some of the guys admitting their asexuality on this forum would potentially never do it to their irl social circles.

I happen to be a rare-enough combination of extroverted, loquacious, matter-of-fact, apathetic, self-confident, self-deprecating, and asexual that I'm able to admit the last part to people because I know it will strike up a conversation, I love conversations, and if someone ever tries to insult/mock me for it, I can make fun of myself ten times faster/harsher than they ever could. I find it entertaining being able to explain the stuff to people who are willing to listen, and I find it absurdly empowering to be so entirely free of the sex starvation that drives my friends, male and female alike, into such mad frenzies. It's a bit egotistical to try to separate myself as some anomaly, because I'm sure there are a few other dudes around here with similar stories/personalities. That being said, in my first two decades of life, the ONLY person I ever found who was both extroverted and asexual was myself. Every single other person I ever talked to who would admit asexuality was either impossibly introverted/shy or simply giving excuses. On top of that, most of them were female.

I'm ranting and potentially being unduly selective/critical of a group of people I have just very recently appealed to, so I'll sum it up.

-Asexual women exist more frequently than asexual men because society actually allows them to be asexual without feeling like pariahs.

-Asexual gay men exist more frequently than asexual straight men because the gay men already came out once, and doing it again is comparatively easy. Furthermore, a gay man's close friends (consisting of other gay man and women to a far higher extent than a straight man's social circle) are far less likely to harass them for not wishing to be sexual.

-Asexual straight men do exist, but normal human biology makes them a rarity, societal pressure makes it even worse, and most of the remaining admitted Aces are likely too shy/private to go talking about themselves in any real-life situation.

[passionatefriend61]

Thank you, BadKarma. That was very thorough and well-written. I agree with you totally about asexual/sexually apathetic males in the media. It IS a problem. One I hope to help correct through my writing career.

I have mixed feelings in response: discouraged at how few asexual (hetero-affectional) males there are but a bit hopeful to hear from some at the same time, proving they do exist.

[just el]

As a straight asexual woman, this thread is really interesting to read through. I've mostly come to the conclusion that I'll not find an asexual partner, because it does seem like they're so rare (and my dating experiences have been really negative, like the guy who called me a "frigid bitch" when I wouldn't put out), but this thread gives me a bit of hope!

[BadKarma]

Thank you, BadKarma. That was very thorough and well-written. I agree with you totally about asexual/sexually apathetic males in the media. It IS a problem. One I hope to help correct through my writing career.

I have mixed feelings in response: discouraged at how few asexual (hetero-affectional) males there are but a bit hopeful to hear from some at the same time, proving they do exist.

That's an even worse statistic, if common sense is to be believed. Of the few straight, openly-asexual males, I'd reckon that most of them are also aromantic, considering that they're more likely introverts than not (again, seeing as how extroverted men with even a remote weakness to peer pressure would probably attempt to be sexual just to appease their friends). It takes a pretty special sort of situation for a straight, romantic, yet openly-ace man to have both the courage and the backbone to publicly admit exactly how absurdly odd it even sounds.

On a different note, my breakfast is a cookie. Which is just awesome.

As a straight asexual woman, this thread is really interesting to read through. I've mostly come to the conclusion that I'll not find an asexual partner, because it does seem like they're so rare (and my dating experiences have been really negative, like the guy who called me a "frigid bitch" when I wouldn't put out), but this thread gives me a bit of hope!

As with any sort of "behavioral deviancy", it will become easier to find them when they make themselves known to society. Think how rare and difficult it would have been to find an openly gay man in the 1800s. Now there are entire tv shows dedicated to them, national laws/debates about them, and scores of public gay bars. Considering that sexuality has always been a bit of a hang-up for American discourse (YOU LIKE MY JOKE?! LOLOLOL), the fact that the LGBT crowd is finally getting so vocal will make public acceptance/recognition of asexuality easier to attain in the coming decade or so. It's a lot easier for people to accept than furries or transsexuals. It's just a matter of people going "Hey, look. We also have a pride flag. Look how monotone and apathetic it is. We also have cool nicknames for ourselves!"

I can sympathize for you, though. It's probably not all too difficult to find a sexual partner and have them be understanding enough that you can work out a remote compromise, but to find a straight Ace of Hearts with little to go off of is, indeed, tough. I'd say you should just wait a bit until Ace Bars start opening up in major cities. Think about it: people will go there to drink and totally not score ever at all. First bar scene of its kind!

Oh, also, that dude is a douchebag. I guarantee you that when/if you explained that you were asexual, he interpreted it as "she thinks I'm ugly" or "bitch, I bought you dinner!" or some other entitled lunacy. The worst result of misunderstanding is no understanding.

[Bobandirus]

Yay! And I think I spotted a couple more as well, making 6! What bit of biology do you like?

Stay in the topic please! we need to know where the cakes men are!!! Did I said i was not so needed? well... sometimes I am! lol XD for cake! what whats you thinking? I love cake! !!!!

This is on topic! "What kind of biology are you into?" may not sound as obviously asexual as 'What's your favourite result in elementary number theory', but it is a pickup line in disguise, you know. Besides, there's some important biology in baking (or used to be).

I'm glad someone got it :P

[The Pixel Monk]

Wait, things have changed again? what am I going to do with the Waldo outfit now?!

On a more serious note, I would like to somewhat correct BadKarma. Currently, the asexual male is not a large symbol, but the sexless hero is literally an archetype of Gothic fiction. Though this is largely set to be opposed to the sexually menacing villains of Gothic fiction (though neither aspect is explicitly stated). apart from that minor correction, I am inclined to agree with BadKarma's post.

Even if I have to give up the Waldo outfit, I am not giving up the water gun!

[Ged of Earthsea]

BadKarma, I agree that we are products of social conditioning and there are male-female differences at play. I disagree with your depiction of male-female socio-cultural differences. There are many many cultures in this world. Globalization and the easy access to foreign media (particularly American cultural exports) are reducing cultural differences, but a cultural singularity is very far away.

I have lived in various parts of the world. I cannot see the conversational scenario you sketched playing out among the kind of people I knew in any place I have lived. I can see it happening in the Anglophone countries I have visited, but only among douchebags. My impressions are not representative but in places and social contexts familiar to me someone behaving that way would be considered hormonal and immature.

Here is a personal, non-representative, impression. What complicates my social life is not my conditioning but that of others. People expect you to behave in a certain way, express interest in a certain way, take specific initiatives, etc. If such behaviour does not come to you naturally and you cannot force yourself to play along, tough luck. This is not a problem only for asexual men but for anyone uncomfortable with standard social protocol. I feel the situation is slightly worse for a man in a Western culture than for a woman. A woman with non-standard social norms will usually receive some interest or attention, even though much misunderstanding and confusion/pain may occur later. A man who is that way will just be ignored and very very alone.

I see no data or reason to believe that there are fewer asexual men than women. I find it believable that asexual men are less visible, partly because we're not trained to see them and partly because they are in various kinds of denial.

[daveb]

Here is a personal, non-representative, impression. What complicates my social life is not my conditioning but that of others. People expect you to behave in a certain way, express interest in a certain way, take specific initiatives, etc. If such behaviour does not come to you naturally and you cannot force yourself to play along, tough luck. This is not a problem only for asexual men but for anyone uncomfortable with standard social protocol. I feel the situation is slightly worse for a man in a Western culture than for a woman. A woman with non-standard social norms will usually receive some interest or attention, even though much misunderstanding and confusion/pain may occur later. A man who is that way will just be ignored and very very alone.

I see no data or reason to believe that there are fewer asexual men than women. I find it believable that asexual men are less visible, partly because we're not trained to see them and partly because they are in various kinds of denial.

Ged, that's been my impression, too. (but I'm looking at it as a heteromantic asexual socially awkward introverted male. it's not unlikely females have similar problems and/or have to fend off unwelcome advances)

And I also agree with your last paragraph.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Well, I'm a male, but in no way romantic. The concept makes no sense to me and I think you're all quite mad ;)

Still, I suppose that means I won't be eaten as cake, so woohoo!

*Noms on shoulder* Aha you were saying? :P

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

My verdict is, if the males are being eaten then there's bound to be fewer surviving males than females. Just saying.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

My verdict is, if the males are being eaten then there's bound to be fewer surviving males than females. Just saying.

It was not me!! I swear it!! I havent have lunch, not even brekfast!

[Paisano]

the men (who must be feeling a bit hunted by now).

I'm up for being hunted, not much of a "hunter" myself :P

Agreed, that would be a nice change of pace for me, too

To jump slightly off subject, I have no personal ish with being eaten....just saying