"I don't want you for sex"

[Vampyremage]

My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband

If you got aroused by your boyfriend, that's not asexuality. You simply fell out of love with your husband and in love with another guy instead. And by the sound of it, you and your husband then dragged out a failed marriage for way too long.

It was my understanding that the OP was polyamorous and that her temporary loss of libido was medical related. Unless I am mistaken?

[rlib]

My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband

If you got aroused by your boyfriend, that's not asexuality. You simply fell out of love with your husband and in love with another guy instead. And by the sound of it, you and your husband then dragged out a failed marriage for way too long.

It was my understanding that the OP was polyamorous and that her temporary loss of libido was medical related. Unless I am mistaken?

Well, I'm talking about after the libido came back. Maybe she was already in love with her boyfriend from previously, but she must have fallen out of love with her husband by that point.

[Avistew]

My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband

If you got aroused by your boyfriend, that's not asexuality. You simply fell out of love with your husband and in love with another guy instead. And by the sound of it, you and your husband then dragged out a failed marriage for way too long.

I know. I'm not asexual at all, didn't mean to be confusing and make it sound like I was. I only said I could relate more to asexual people in a relationship with a sexual due to what happened then. Also, I was still in love with my husband, just unable to get aroused by him.

EDIT: Oh, and I'm polyamorous, so being in love with two or more people at once is pretty much par for the course for me. It was my first time not being sexually attracted by one of them, and that happened before I met my husband, when, for medical reasons, I had no libido at all for 6 months. When it got back, I still mostly had none for my husband.

Sorry for all the confusion.

[AmoebaAlice]

Similarly, I've also told my S.O. that if he wishes he can find sex with someone else and I won't be hurt over it so long as he's honest and upfront about it. But I can also understand an asexual's fear about being cheated on, because our intimacy comes from an emotional attachment, and some sexuals find sex very emotional, so there'd always be a chance that whoever they were having sex with, they'd develop a stronger relationship with them and then break up with you.

I think my main issue with my S.O. is that I know he's NOT finding it elsewhere, which leads me to believe he's just waiting for me to magically change. And that's not going to happen.

[AmusedByMusic]

Sorry I've been gone from this post, I really appreciate everyone's input and thank you for sharing your personal experiences, even if they are hard to talk about and even horrible for me to read :(

To answer the confusion--I'm not really afraid of him cheating on me because I know he's not that type of guy. Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side." he got really offended and yelled at me like "i'm not that type of guy, i'd never do that, you don't have to worry about it" But what I meant was, one--he may think it'll hurt me and actually decide to do things behind my back which I wouldn't like. Two (and mainly) I feel like if he's going around with other people, why the hell are we even in a relationship? I know its just that emotional/romantic connection that we are having together and he'd be satisfying his physical needs, but, I feel like if he's not getting 100% out of this relationship, why do it?

In fact, I'm debating why I do it either, because even though I love him, more and more I realize I'm not in love with him because in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for him to pressure me among other things. He's a constant reminder that I'm being selfish and that I'm different and though he doesn't mean for that at all, it's just mentally draining to be honest. I'd really like to just be with an asexual, but I don't actually know one IRL. Anyways, to clear that up--cheating for me = what's the point of the relationship? Plus, even though yes I'd like him to get his fix elsewhere, it'd still make me feel crappy. I don't know, and I'm also getting worried because more and more he's been wanting me to spend the night with him, meaning just fall asleep next to him, but the last time I did he kept wanting to be intimate (make out, cuddle) which is fine for me, only, he made it obvious he had a boner and I was just grossed out. So I didn't spend the night last night because "I had a stomach ache" and he got really sad about it. Like too sad.

[Lady Heartilly]

To answer the confusion--I'm not really afraid of him cheating on me because I know he's not that type of guy. Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side." he got really offended and yelled at me like "i'm not that type of guy, i'd never do that, you don't have to worry about it"

Yeah, since so many people are bringing that up, I've been told this as well by my SO. It seems like a lot of sexuals find it difficult to see the difference between "dating" and "having sex" (not all, but at least the ones we're dating), so if they have sex with someone else, even if we know about it, they'd feel like they're cheating. From our perspectives, it would be good if they have other means of getting something they need, but to them, they're being intimate with someone they're not dating, so they'll feel like cheaters. I think only certain people would be okay with something like that, and there aren't really that many of them, at least not the types that we would want to be in a relationship with.

I don't know, and I'm also getting worried because more and more he's been wanting me to spend the night with him, meaning just fall asleep next to him, but the last time I did he kept wanting to be intimate (make out, cuddle) which is fine for me, only, he made it obvious he had a boner and I was just grossed out. So I didn't spend the night last night because "I had a stomach ache" and he got really sad about it. Like too sad.

In regards to this, I enjoy spending the night with my SO, and if anything "happens" as a result, it's just kind of understood that we're not going to do anything about it. In fact, I've been kind of pressuring him to let me stay more, but he doesn't seem to think that's such a good idea for obvious reasons.

[bluewillow]

I'm in a very similar situation, when I told my husband I've found out I'm asexual he said that he loves me more than sex, which is a lot for him because he is highly sexual, but I still think he expects we'll have sex even occasionally. Sometimes I don't mind sex to please him if I feel he's emotionally close to me but lately I've become more repulsed (some of it has to do with my gender issues). Sometimes he doesn't respond if I try to touch him (in a non-sexual way) and if we do cuddle, all I can think of is that now he wants sex, yuck.

What's worse, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable (I'm bipolar) and sometimes I need (his) support to get through the lows. But this situation is also bad for me mentally so I need to make a some kind of change to keep my sanity and I can't change the way he feels about sex.

[Saineolaí]

Not that I blame him . . . .

Really? I do. And I've never even met him!

[rlib]

and some sexuals find sex very emotional, so there'd always be a chance that whoever they were having sex with, they'd develop a stronger relationship with them and then break up with you.

The thing is, emotions are just chemicals. For most people, sex increases the levels of hormone oxytocin which literally causes feelings of attachment toward their mate.

[MetalGoblin]

I just want to say that not all sexuals will expect sex. I don't. I am the minority, though.

[bluewillow]

I'm glad there are exceptions like you, MetalGoblin.

[reenabeenabunny]

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I will ever know exactly what I want, but I understand that many (if not most) people are not that way when it comes to sex and relationships. I can't say I've been in a situation where I've known exactly what I want/don't want and have been actively fought on it.

Thank you for writing that, because now, I've gone from indecisive and confused to that. I agree wholeheartedly and it's such an annoying feeling, isn't it? Everyone's so sure and I'm just like bleh. Just out of curiosity, what is your zodiac?

[FallenAngel]

I've been with someone who said that they don't mind not being sexual and everything with me. Although it eventually did become sexual because I wanted it to be (I'm a demi), there was a period of time in which there was like no sexual contact really, only cuddling and small kisses.

I remember one time, he kinda wasn't thinking when we were cuddling and he touched my chest area and I kinda wanted to shake him off and huddle in the corner by myself, but I didn't stop him. In a way, I guess that was him kinda forcing himself onto me. He apologized a lottttt after that though. That was at the very beginning of our relationship though, like a month into it.

I think if the person is truly a good person and loves you and has morals and whatnot, he won't go off and cheat on you. You should try talking to him, definitely, and try to encourage honesty. You should be open about your feelings about sex and he should as well. Maybe you two could find a compromise.

[Saineolaí]

I just want to say that not all sexuals will expect sex. I don't. I am the minority, though.

Eh, suits just fine. We're a minority too! :lol:

[ZombiesxArexLove]

i feel like dating with sexual/ asexual for most people will almost always be one sided. Because for them(sexuals) sex is natural as it is unnatural to us. I understand this part of them, i fortunately have parents that are understanding, patience, and explain things clearly to me. But to the point, it seems like sexuals will naturally want sex, which is understandable(in some cases) but it seems most asexuals want them to give up this part of themselves for the sake of their happiness. On the flip side it seems like sexuals wants us to perform something that feels wrong/unnatural for the sake of their happiness. It seems like both sides are forgetting is that love does require sacrifices and/or compromises on both parts. When you really want a person in your life and he/she or something in between( i dont what to leave anyone out) feels the same things stop revolving about individuals and starts focusing on the couple as a whole.

While my dad is sexual he isn't that sexual my parents rarely have sex(yes we have the type of relationship where i can talk about their sex life with them) Its usually a couple times a year, what i do believe is considered a sexless marriage by today's standards. They said they had this talk before and decided that he can suck it up and deal and she can wait it out(bluntly putting it). "sacrifice and compromise" I honestly haven't found a better example of a marriage than my parents(19 years and going strong) or grandparents(both of them are way to long to count. >.>) I really want what they have when I get older.

[Kathy The Highlighter]

Well, I'm not repulsed by sex, but I was raised in a very religious home, and it's something that I've always wanted to save until marriage. This also meant that I want to take physical things rather slowly in a relationship. The one boyfriend I've had started out being very understanding of that, and he never tried to explicitly force me to do anything. He was pretty patient, particularly for a guy who had high testosterone for whom sexual things were very important, especially considering that his exes were willing to move a LOT further a lot faster than I was. Either way, I eventually started to feel bad about how he was discontented with things, and though he'd always ask if things were okay and back off if they weren't, it would get so that he would obviously be displeased when he couldn't go a bit further. I eventually wound up speeding up how fast I wanted things to go, though I considered this to be a fair compromise, as he was slowing down a great deal from how fast he wanted things to be.

Anyways, near the end of the relationship he started to get a bit guilt-trippy talking about "how much he waited" and how patient he was, and even sometimes would say things about how rare guys who would be as patient as he was were.. [i have to admit, both of us were fairly passive-aggressive, and tended to get rather nasty when we fought...it was one of the things that led to the end of the relationship]. Near the end, he flat-out said "I know I promised to wait for you, but I didn't understand just how long I'd have to be." I definitely agree with whoever said that those promises are a lot easier to make before you're actually in the situation.

[purplefeather]

That's exactly what I think, too.

I had a relationship with this guy for two years, and we never had sex because he knew I didn't want to, but he ended up pressuring me so badly. He started complaining like, "I was nice enough to wait for two years, but I can't stand this sexless relationship anymore! You are not even waiting, you just didn't want it. You don't love me enough to sacrifice yourself!"

This is depressing to think, but I don't believe what guys say things like that. I am hoping, one day, I will meet an asexual guy who shares the same values with me.

I've been with the guy I'm with for 3 or 4 years now, and I cannot shake the feeling that he's still waiting for me to 'get comfortable' with it enough to 'be ready' to have sex with him. Despite my stating it will never happen. I don't skirt around discussing it with him. I also don't think it's fully hit him yet that if he's imagining us getting married some day and having kids (despite my saying my stance on it) when it's never going to happen... he's fooling himself, and he's not really seeing ME, but rather a version of me he has in his head.

To give up sex for the rest of your life because your partner doesn't want to...that's a huge thing for a Sexual... and me, the asexual in the relationship, seems to be the only one who understands how big that is. And this is something I can't compromise on. I think maybe I understand the gravity of it because on the flip side, if I had to have sex with someone for the rest of my life to keep them happy, I'd probably end up harming myself. It just wouldn't work.

when I think of our relationship in terms of that, I end up wondering why I'm dragging it out... when it's obvious the decision to stay is on me, when he's just assuming I'll eventually change my mind.

Yes I think for us sexuals there is always the hope of a sexual relationship, but I know I only want that if my partner wants to. So I guess in a way Im torturing myself. I try to think of that what Im gaining in other ways outweighs any loss I feel on the sex side. but then I need love to have sex - I love before sex - not sex first then love. So I figure I loved before sex, I guess I can love with out sex at all. Although longer cuddles would be nice. ;)

[Martina]

BUT, the issue is that now I have someone who says "I don't want you for sex; I just want to be with you; its not important" and while I trust and mostly believe this person, I don't know what to do. Mind you, this was an ex whom I've unfortunately done the unspeakable with for once, and was disgusted after, despite "loving" them. And a part of me wants to say, "hey, this person is obviously not selfish and is sticking around despite the no sex thing", but on the other hand I feel like after time for them, it will lead to them cheating on me, or else eventually pressuring and trying to get me to have sex. Maybe its one of those, never know till you try things? Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation, or has any advice on the matter. I appreciate it...

Well I've been there, and through that, and my own experience was that men telling me that were just trying to slip under my radar, while intending to press for sex later on, and sometimes not much later on. I see this going on constantly on craigslist in the strictly platonic section of the personals. I had responded to 44 of the men's ads saying that, only to be pressed for sex shortly into the email exchange. So it's been the pattern for me that it's just a ploy to get under your radar and close enough to start pushing for sex.

[Emiko]

I understand sexuals desiring sex. Sex is a part of nature, and, if the human race didn't take pleasure in and desire sex, well, there wouldn't have been the incentive to procreate. And where would any of us be if our parents hadn't procreated?

But, on the other hand, the human race has, largely, moved on past basic desires. Yes, it's nice to indulge in them sometimes (ooh, I want that chocolate. I don't need chocolate, but I want it. So I buy it, and it is MY chocolate!), and sexuals greatly enjoy indulging in sex. But sometimes, well, a lot of the time, they don't understand that not all of us do.

I had a boyfriend who was intelligent, thoughtful, and mostly kind (okay, kind of a douche on occasions, but who isn't?). I explained to him that I was not a very sexual person (half of this was on me trying to change myself and not being honest with either of us about me being an asexual. Hey, relationships are built with two people, not one, and sometimes both cause the foundation to crumble), and he said he was okay with that. At first. But, as time went on (and not very much time), he got more and more demanding. To the point where, even though I had told him outright that I did not enjoy sex in the least, he said that that was okay, and then turned around and asked for sex. Every single time. And then, if I didn't put out, he would get snappy and turn into an asshole and start insulting me and pulling passive aggressive crap. Over the phone, or exchanging messages he was a great guy, and I enjoyed talking with him, but I simply could not stand to be near him in person because it would always turn into him demanding sex.

Yes, he said he liked me for me, but it became obvious pretty quickly that, while my personality was a bit of a bonus to him, all he wanted was sex in the end.

[Marionetta]

I wish I could find a sexual guy understanding of that I'm Asexual. But that's why I'd prefer and Asexual guy, yeah it decreases my odds of finding compatibility by sheer numbers but if I do find someone my odds probably go up of it working out at that point - at least on a basic and probable viewpoint.

If I did find someone like that... I could bring myself to let them have sex with someone else. I know that doesn't exactly seem fair but even though I don't want sex that doesn't mean I think so lightly of it. To me sex is something you do with someone you love. I'd sooner choke down my own vomit than allow my loved one to sleep with someone else.

That being said, men are not really interested in me for my looks (I have this idea it's my odor more than anything - like pheromones) because I'm just a turn-off I guess! The vast majority turn their nose up at me. And yet when it comes to getting to know my personality without ever seeing me, or smelling me, I can't stop the love confessions from flooding my PM box.

So if a sexual guy did come along who actually liked me for me regardless or my looks, smell, or asexuality, then I'd have to think he's special somehow. I couldn't promise frequency or anything but I might have sex with him if he were really just that special, if he had the little "spark" I don't see very often.

Still, I wouldn't necessarily want to and that's where the conflicting feelings come in. I mean, you make sacrifices for the one you love to make them happy, you both can't win 100% of the time, you both have to give up and give in some of the time. So I don't know, we could probably work something out that way. Hypothetically that is.

But I can't say as though I've ever had a man talk to me face to face saying he wanted anything but sex from me - which is odd given other reactions from most men. Most men don't even have the decency to ask for my name. It's either I repulse them, or they want a quicky in an alley somewhere and they look like they might mug me afterward. Or it's that I can't keep the guys online off of my virtual hotness. So basically most men I come into contact with only get to know me if they have to... and that's usually online where they can't see or smell me.

So I've never been in an actual relationship before so I can't say I have any experience with this but... if a guy bugged me for sex enough while I was in a relationship, I'd dump him if he didn't get the message after about the first 20 times I say "NO".

[Sally]

But, on the other hand, the human race has, largely, moved on past basic desires.

What evidence do you have of that?

[test account]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

[Pamcakes]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

Hey, AA, as long as both he and the women in question are fully aware of and consenting to the casual nature of the relationship they will have, I don't see anything worth getting angry over. Certainly, if he leads them on in order to sleep with them, then yes, that shouldn't be condoned, but provided there is full disclosure at the beginning - "I actually have a girlfriend, I'm just looking for a physical playmate, which my girlfriend has given me permission to do," - then I see nothing reprehensible about it. Provided they are appraised of the state of the play at the very beginning, I don't see why we can't trust these other women to make their own choices, as adults, regarding whether or not they're up for a casual sexual interaction.

It seems some of this attitude stems from the age-old "men trade emotional intimacy for sex, women trade sex for emotional intimacy" myth, though feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood your meaning.

P.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

It's not unheard of for women to do the same thing if they have <ahem> an itch that isn't getting scratched.

I used to live near a swingers club and you might be surprised at the things I've seen. And on many occasions I've heard some women refer to male friends as 'Oh, he's just a fuck buddy.'

[Emiko]

But, on the other hand, the human race has, largely, moved on past basic desires.

What evidence do you have of that?

Basic desires (sorry, I probably didn't word that all that well to begin with), such as survival. The human race, while still very much intent on surviving, has gone a lot further than that. We have art (not necessary to survival in the least), fiction writing (not necessary to survival), fashion (while clothing is necessary, fashion is not), etc.

[test account]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

Hey, AA, as long as both he and the women in question are fully aware of and consenting to the casual nature of the relationship they will have, I don't see anything worth getting angry over. Certainly, if he leads them on in order to sleep with them, then yes, that shouldn't be condoned, but provided there is full disclosure at the beginning - "I actually have a girlfriend, I'm just looking for a physical playmate, which my girlfriend has given me permission to do," - then I see nothing reprehensible about it. Provided they are appraised of the state of the play at the very beginning, I don't see why we can't trust these other women to make their own choices, as adults, regarding whether or not they're up for a casual sexual interaction.

It seems some of this attitude stems from the age-old "men trade emotional intimacy for sex, women trade sex for emotional intimacy" myth, though feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood your meaning.

P.

It's a solution I hear offered by asexuals who want emotional intimacy, and given most of us assume people are like ourselves, it comes across as a bit insensitive to me.

On the other hand, I just find casual fucking disgusting, so my personal feelings are doing most of the talking here. I can't play with someone without getting attached that particular game with that particular person, and the desire for the game to get bigger and more serious with more at stake is what keeps me playing. To be told I have to stay in my box and be content with somebody's cast offs would severely piss me off.

But hey, we're all different aren't we?

[Guest]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

Hey, AA, as long as both he and the women in question are fully aware of and consenting to the casual nature of the relationship they will have, I don't see anything worth getting angry over. Certainly, if he leads them on in order to sleep with them, then yes, that shouldn't be condoned, but provided there is full disclosure at the beginning - "I actually have a girlfriend, I'm just looking for a physical playmate, which my girlfriend has given me permission to do," - then I see nothing reprehensible about it. Provided they are appraised of the state of the play at the very beginning, I don't see why we can't trust these other women to make their own choices, as adults, regarding whether or not they're up for a casual sexual interaction.

It seems some of this attitude stems from the age-old "men trade emotional intimacy for sex, women trade sex for emotional intimacy" myth, though feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood your meaning.

P.

It's a solution I hear offered by asexuals who want emotional intimacy, and given most of us assume people are like ourselves, it comes across as a bit insensitive to me.

On the other hand, I just find casual fucking disgusting, so my personal feelings are doing most of the talking here. I can't play with someone without getting attached that particular game with that particular person, and the desire for the game to get bigger and more serious with more at stake is what keeps me playing. To be told I have to stay in my box and be content with somebody's cast offs would severely piss me off.

But hey, we're all different aren't we?

I see both sides of this. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with casual sex, and if two people consent to that arrangement, then that's awesome.

On the other hand, there is something a little gross about asexuals, who want all the love, emotion, etc, that goes along with relationships, tell some "other woman" that they should be fine with just sex. Like, asexuals deserve love and romance, but sexuals only deserve casual sex. I know that's not what's meant by it, but there does seem to be a fundamental lack of understanding of why people like sex, what people get out of sex, and where sex leads, emotionally.

The worst was a guy I was with recently, who would pressure me to get drunk, because he knew it was the only way I would be comfortable doing that stuff...I ended up drinking for the whole 5 month relationship and had to go to AA. Not that I blame him, but, had I known that THIS is who I am, I wouldn't have let myself get to that level.

He pressured you into getting drunk so that you would agree to sleep with him? That's... wrong on so many levels. I suppose it's different if you got drunk for the sole purpose of having sex with him (though the pressuring part makes that guy a complete asshole as far as I can tell), but it still makes me shudder, because generally, "sleeping" with a drunk person who'd otherwise not sleep with you means that person is not consenting. It wouldn't creep me out so much if it had been you who suggested it or if you'd eagerly agreed, but the fact that he pressured you means I would not want to meet that guy in a dark alley, or anyhwere else, for the matter.

If you don't blame him, there might be things involved here I'm simply not aware of, but I'm sorry that happened to you, and I want to say that his behaviour sounds not normal to me at all. Many sexuals are great people who will respect your boundaries and, if they realize they can't live without sex, will discuss the matter with you and try to find a solution or at least decide the realtionship just doesn't work out and end it - though there are a lot of assholes, too, so I understand why you'd want to be careful, especially after an experience like that.

Being shitfaced drunk and having sex doesn't automatically mean you're raped, though. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends have, since the human race learned to ferment, been enjoying drunk sex with each other in completely non-rapey ways.

I actually do get excited when my girlfriend gets drunk because I know that my chances of getting laid increase, and I have no moral misgivings about that. Now, I don't go so far as to force her (or strongly encourage her) to drink, because I think that crosses a line, but I'm also not going to purposely miss a chance to have drunk sex.

[Sally]

On the other hand, there is something a little gross about asexuals, who want all the love, emotion, etc, that goes along with relationships, tell some "other woman" that they should be fine with just sex.

There's also something unrealistic about an asexual telling their sexual partner, "You can have sex with her but you have to reserve all your love/affection/everything else for me." Emotions--and sex includes emotions--just can't be divided that cleanly.

[maven]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

Hey, AA, as long as both he and the women in question are fully aware of and consenting to the casual nature of the relationship they will have, I don't see anything worth getting angry over. Certainly, if he leads them on in order to sleep with them, then yes, that shouldn't be condoned, but provided there is full disclosure at the beginning - "I actually have a girlfriend, I'm just looking for a physical playmate, which my girlfriend has given me permission to do," - then I see nothing reprehensible about it. Provided they are appraised of the state of the play at the very beginning, I don't see why we can't trust these other women to make their own choices, as adults, regarding whether or not they're up for a casual sexual interaction.

It seems some of this attitude stems from the age-old "men trade emotional intimacy for sex, women trade sex for emotional intimacy" myth, though feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood your meaning.

P.

It's a solution I hear offered by asexuals who want emotional intimacy, and given most of us assume people are like ourselves, it comes across as a bit insensitive to me.

On the other hand, I just find casual fucking disgusting, so my personal feelings are doing most of the talking here. I can't play with someone without getting attached that particular game with that particular person, and the desire for the game to get bigger and more serious with more at stake is what keeps me playing. To be told I have to stay in my box and be content with somebody's cast offs would severely piss me off.

But hey, we're all different aren't we?

As an aromantic sexual, I'd actually really like an arrangement of that kind. Having a steady guy who was not in danger of wanting more than sex from me? Sounds perfect.

In theory. In practice, there might be a whole host of jealousy problems from the gf, or the guy might fall in love with you anyway, or... who knows. But I'd definitely be up for trying.

[test account]

Upon getting in this relationship I also told him "if it ever comes down to it, I don't care if you sleep with other girls, long as you don't date them on the side."

I hear this solution offered a lot on AVEN, always by women, and I have to wonder what your feelings are regarding the women he is allowed to fuck but not date? Is it okay for them to be used as prostitutes? What if they want to call him the next day to meet again? Is she allowed to text him, or is he supposed to have no contact till he calls her up for another horizontal session? It makes me angry to hear women say it's okay to treat other women like meat, unless you expect your boyfriends or husbands to pay for it at a professional establishment.

Hey, AA, as long as both he and the women in question are fully aware of and consenting to the casual nature of the relationship they will have, I don't see anything worth getting angry over. Certainly, if he leads them on in order to sleep with them, then yes, that shouldn't be condoned, but provided there is full disclosure at the beginning - "I actually have a girlfriend, I'm just looking for a physical playmate, which my girlfriend has given me permission to do," - then I see nothing reprehensible about it. Provided they are appraised of the state of the play at the very beginning, I don't see why we can't trust these other women to make their own choices, as adults, regarding whether or not they're up for a casual sexual interaction.

It seems some of this attitude stems from the age-old "men trade emotional intimacy for sex, women trade sex for emotional intimacy" myth, though feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood your meaning.

P.

It's a solution I hear offered by asexuals who want emotional intimacy, and given most of us assume people are like ourselves, it comes across as a bit insensitive to me.

On the other hand, I just find casual fucking disgusting, so my personal feelings are doing most of the talking here. I can't play with someone without getting attached that particular game with that particular person, and the desire for the game to get bigger and more serious with more at stake is what keeps me playing. To be told I have to stay in my box and be content with somebody's cast offs would severely piss me off.

But hey, we're all different aren't we?

As an aromantic sexual, I'd actually really like an arrangement of that kind. Having a steady guy who was not in danger of wanting more than sex from me? Sounds perfect.

In theory. In practice, there might be a whole host of jealousy problems from the gf, or the guy might fall in love with you anyway, or... who knows. But I'd definitely be up for trying.

The thing I see as a problem for someone like myself is that the guy is giving priority to his girlfriend. He's only having sex with me (hypothetically) because his girlfriend allows it. Now what if she changes her mind? I'm not interested in letting another woman dictate when I can play with her partner. If he wants to play with me, he has to do so because he chooses, not because his girlfriend allows it, and definitely not behind her back. In other words, he gives me his full attention, or nothing at all. I won't settle for less--which is why I'm single :D