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"I don't want you for sex"


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#1 AmusedByMusic

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 03:20 AM

Okay, so this is mainly rant, but also I'm hoping for some good insight/opinions...

I'm asexual, obviously. Biromantic. I've only recently been open to people that I potentially "date" about this. I used to just try and do (physical) things with people because I thought they would leave, or because I thought I loved them enough to get through it for them. But, I've been a lot happier now that I'm just up front about it, and so that the person (in all cases being sexuals, as I've never met an asexual) doesn't waste their time.

BUT, the issue is that now I have someone who says "I don't want you for sex; I just want to be with you; its not important" and while I trust and mostly believe this person, I don't know what to do. Mind you, this was an ex whom I've unfortunately done the unspeakable with for once, and was disgusted after, despite "loving" them. And a part of me wants to say, "hey, this person is obviously not selfish and is sticking around despite the no sex thing", but on the other hand I feel like after time for them, it will lead to them cheating on me, or else eventually pressuring and trying to get me to have sex. Maybe its one of those, never know till you try things? Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation, or has any advice on the matter. I appreciate it...

#2 There Is No Cure

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 03:31 AM

I was with this guy whom I told was asexual. He seemed to understand, said it didn't matter I still love you, blah blah blah. He ended up pressuring me into doing way more than I wanted to. Despite my protests. I'll never forgive him for that.

But...I had a friend who WAS ok with it, and who DIDn't pressure me and was totally wonderful (if he layed off the fucking weed he would have been great.)

So it kind of really depends. All this relationship stuff is circumstantial you know?

I don't know. That probably didn't help at all. Lol. My advice would be to take things slow and don't start second guessing him unless he gives you a REASON not to trust him.

Hope everything works out <3
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#3 tatertatiana

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 03:53 AM

I have been in a situation where I told a potential partner that I thought I was asexual. He said something like he didn't really mind, but that if it became a problem we would talk about it. I think there was eventually pressure to get more and more physical and sexual as the relationship progressed, but that was just as much me wanting to try things out as it was pressure from someone who seemed much more sure of what he wanted. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I will ever know exactly what I want, but I understand that many (if not most) people are not that way when it comes to sex and relationships. I can't say I've been in a situation where I've known exactly what I want/don't want and have been actively fought on it. Sorry, I don't know what to tell you except maybe if a relationship comes down to that, it might just not be a good fit. I think what matters most is what you (and a partner) want (not what anyone thinks you should want) and mutual respect for being the way you are. Not helpful, I know :/

#4 Sally

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 03:54 AM

I think what a person who says that really means is "I don't want you ONLY for sex. However, I do expect sex."

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#5 misscuriosity

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 04:17 AM

I think what a person who says that really means is "I don't want you ONLY for sex. However, I do expect sex."


That's exactly what I think, too.

I had a relationship with this guy for two years, and we never had sex because he knew I didn't want to, but he ended up pressuring me so badly. He started complaining like, "I was nice enough to wait for two years, but I can't stand this sexless relationship anymore! You are not even waiting, you just didn't want it. You don't love me enough to sacrifice yourself!"

This is depressing to think, but I don't believe what guys say things like that. I am hoping, one day, I will meet an asexual guy who shares the same values with me.

#6 Hey there

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 06:08 AM


I think what a person who says that really means is "I don't want you ONLY for sex. However, I do expect sex."


That's exactly what I think, too.

I had a relationship with this guy for two years, and we never had sex because he knew I didn't want to, but he ended up pressuring me so badly. He started complaining like, "I was nice enough to wait for two years, but I can't stand this sexless relationship anymore! You are not even waiting, you just didn't want it. You don't love me enough to sacrifice yourself!"

This is depressing to think, but I don't believe what guys say things like that. I am hoping, one day, I will meet an asexual guy who shares the same values with me.


Sacrifice yourself?!?!?! That's a horrible thing to say!

#7 MadRat

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 09:41 AM

You don't love me enough to sacrifice yourself!

Sacrifice??!! :angry:
This guy is fu*king jerk! :wacko: If you were as stupid and selfish as he is, you should say: "No, you dont love me enough because you want me to sacrifice myself."
But arguing about who doesnt love enough the other is childish and it can never help anything.

My personal opinion on asexual+sexual relationship: I would be rather alone forever than with a sexual. If I were insulted this way and forced into sex, I would kick this guy out of my life and I would never want to meet him again.
If a sexual partner was reliable, understanding, patient and never forced me into anything, I would feel guilty anyway - I would feel as a bad girlfriend because I would never give him what he would deserve and need.
To hurt, or to get hurt? None of these two options. Both are wrong for me.
 
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#8 AmusedByMusic

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 11:32 AM

Thanks everyone for the replies, and honestly EVERYONE's replies were helpful in some way. I think I'm leaning towards the whole, he will most likely pressure me down the road, even if it takes months or years. It's one thing to say "I don't need you for sex/only want you for sex" but I don't think that anyone, can really put themselves in the future and see themselves getting fed up with no sex. I think what I may have to do, is if I decide its worth it, just tell him the first time he ever pressures me into something I don't want to do, I'm gone because its what we agreed upon. BUT it is scary to always have that in the back of my mind, (because like you Misscuriousity, a few of my prior relationships have been kind of like that.) I think was when I was with a girl, and she kept telling me and her friends that I was straight because I never wanted to have sex. Despite the fact that I really liked her. The worst was a guy I was with recently, who would pressure me to get drunk, because he knew it was the only way I would be comfortable doing that stuff...I ended up drinking for the whole 5 month relationship and had to go to AA. Not that I blame him, but, had I known that THIS is who I am, I wouldn't have let myself get to that level.

Idk, now I'm just feeling like maybe I need to hold out for another asexual, haha. All this sexual talk gets me cringing...

#9 AmusedByMusic

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 11:33 AM

And to anyone reading this, NEVER feel like you have to sacrifice yourself or do anything you don't want to do, despite if you love the person and despite them making you feel guilty. Elizabeth says so!
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#10 Nogitsune

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 01:44 PM

The worst was a guy I was with recently, who would pressure me to get drunk, because he knew it was the only way I would be comfortable doing that stuff...I ended up drinking for the whole 5 month relationship and had to go to AA. Not that I blame him, but, had I known that THIS is who I am, I wouldn't have let myself get to that level.


He pressured you into getting drunk so that you would agree to sleep with him? That's... wrong on so many levels. I suppose it's different if you got drunk for the sole purpose of having sex with him (though the pressuring part makes that guy a complete asshole as far as I can tell), but it still makes me shudder, because generally, "sleeping" with a drunk person who'd otherwise not sleep with you means that person is not consenting. It wouldn't creep me out so much if it had been you who suggested it or if you'd eagerly agreed, but the fact that he pressured you means I would not want to meet that guy in a dark alley, or anyhwere else, for the matter.

If you don't blame him, there might be things involved here I'm simply not aware of, but I'm sorry that happened to you, and I want to say that his behaviour sounds not normal to me at all. Many sexuals are great people who will respect your boundaries and, if they realize they can't live without sex, will discuss the matter with you and try to find a solution or at least decide the realtionship just doesn't work out and end it - though there are a lot of assholes, too, so I understand why you'd want to be careful, especially after an experience like that.
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#11 AmusedByMusic

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 02:06 PM

Thanks for that, I appreciate it. And the only reason I say I don't blame him is because I could have said, "No, I'm not drinking so that we can have sex," or I could have straight up broken up with him. Because I knew the whole time what was going on. I guess I just felt guilty because he did so many things for me, so I just...I don't know, but I do know that it was horrible to go through. It sucks because when I confronted him about it afterwards, he said "I didn't force you to drink" and no he didn't, but he may as well have cause pressuring and making me feel guilty, like he would leave if I didn't is the same thing in my book. :/

#12 Nogitsune

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 02:24 PM

Thanks for that, I appreciate it. And the only reason I say I don't blame him is because I could have said, "No, I'm not drinking so that we can have sex," or I could have straight up broken up with him. Because I knew the whole time what was going on. I guess I just felt guilty because he did so many things for me, so I just...I don't know, but I do know that it was horrible to go through. It sucks because when I confronted him about it afterwards, he said "I didn't force you to drink" and no he didn't, but he may as well have cause pressuring and making me feel guilty, like he would leave if I didn't is the same thing in my book. :/


That sounds horrible, and I don't think the fact that he didn't force the drinks down your throat means you have no right to blame him. In fact, I think his behaviour may count as sexual coercion, because trying guilt someone into sex and making them feel like it's an obligation is trying to back them into a corner and take away their choice, and you can't consent when you have no choice. I'm unclear about the legal specifics, but depending on how you feel about the matter, you might want to to look into this, because "emotional pressure" is usually listed as something that counts as sexual assault - if someone says "no" and the other person keeps pushing, that's already crossing the line.
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#13 AmusedByMusic

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 07:50 PM

Hmm...that's interesting to think about and I think you have a good point. I just hope others don't make the mistake of staying with someone who is sexual and pressures them..

#14 Reader of Strange Books

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Posted 31 March 2011 - 11:38 PM

Regarding "sacrificing", Ayn Rand had one of her characters make an interesting comment in "The Fountainhead." It went something like this, whenever you hear someone use the word "sacrifice", run like crazy, because they intend to be your master and you the slave.

#15 catonahottinroof

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 02:44 PM

I think its best to avoid all situations like that. Its always going to be the elephant in the room. I'm all for compromise, but its one of those things..... I CANNOT COMPROMISE! I have long grown out of the naive stage of thinking people never have their hidden agendas, but like one of the posters said, it turns into a situation where the person feels like you "owe" them this. Like, I've treated you so good this whole time, given you all this love and blah, blah, blah, the least you could do is.... No means no, not kind of sort of. Everyone should be with someone that truly understands them not someone who "totally gets them" because when when someone "totally gets you" there's usually a "but hear me out though".

#16 forgottennone

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 03:02 PM

Last year I was casually dating a guy I met on pof. I told him when we first met I wasn't that interested in sex but I would do it if I was in a relationship he said he was fine with this and he'd never finish with a girl for sexual reasons as theres other things more important in a relationship etc. Anyway after dating a few weeks (he kept saying that we weren't in a relationship) he told me out of the blue to either sleep with him the following night or I'll never see him again, so I made a decision to stop dating him and told him no.

#17 MadRat

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 04:39 PM

Last year I was casually dating a guy I met on pof. I told him when we first met I wasn't that interested in sex but I would do it if I was in a relationship he said he was fine with this and he'd never finish with a girl for sexual reasons as theres other things more important in a relationship etc. Anyway after dating a few weeks (he kept saying that we weren't in a relationship) he told me out of the blue to either sleep with him the following night or I'll never see him again, so I made a decision to stop dating him and told him no.

What the Hell...? After a few weeks I would still regard him rather as a stranger than someone whom I know. And surely I would not want to have sex with him so soon, even if I were sexual.
 
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#18 Sally

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 05:19 PM

The two sexuals I had marriage/relationships with didn't want women for sex but they did expect to have sex with women. By not wanting someone for sex, they just meant they wanted other things with the woman in addition to sex.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#19 Vampyremage

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 05:29 PM


Last year I was casually dating a guy I met on pof. I told him when we first met I wasn't that interested in sex but I would do it if I was in a relationship he said he was fine with this and he'd never finish with a girl for sexual reasons as theres other things more important in a relationship etc. Anyway after dating a few weeks (he kept saying that we weren't in a relationship) he told me out of the blue to either sleep with him the following night or I'll never see him again, so I made a decision to stop dating him and told him no.

What the Hell...? After a few weeks I would still regard him rather as a stranger than someone whom I know. And surely I would not want to have sex with him so soon, even if I were sexual.


In my experience that sort of time frame isn't so unusual among sexuals. Now, I think the guy must be an ass for making an ultimatum like that, but when I still believed I was sexual I have had sex with guys (ok so only one guy) within that time frame. Of course I would never even consider remaining with a person if they basically told me to have sex with them or leave. I'd be leaving in a heart beat.
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#20 AmoebaAlice

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 06:19 PM

That's exactly what I think, too.

I had a relationship with this guy for two years, and we never had sex because he knew I didn't want to, but he ended up pressuring me so badly. He started complaining like, "I was nice enough to wait for two years, but I can't stand this sexless relationship anymore! You are not even waiting, you just didn't want it. You don't love me enough to sacrifice yourself!"

This is depressing to think, but I don't believe what guys say things like that. I am hoping, one day, I will meet an asexual guy who shares the same values with me.



I've been with the guy I'm with for 3 or 4 years now, and I cannot shake the feeling that he's still waiting for me to 'get comfortable' with it enough to 'be ready' to have sex with him. Despite my stating it will never happen. I don't skirt around discussing it with him. I also don't think it's fully hit him yet that if he's imagining us getting married some day and having kids (despite my saying my stance on it) when it's never going to happen... he's fooling himself, and he's not really seeing ME, but rather a version of me he has in his head.

To give up sex for the rest of your life because your partner doesn't want to...that's a huge thing for a Sexual... and me, the asexual in the relationship, seems to be the only one who understands how big that is. And this is something I can't compromise on. I think maybe I understand the gravity of it because on the flip side, if I had to have sex with someone for the rest of my life to keep them happy, I'd probably end up harming myself. It just wouldn't work.

when I think of our relationship in terms of that, I end up wondering why I'm dragging it out... when it's obvious the decision to stay is on me, when he's just assuming I'll eventually change my mind.
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#21 killjoy188

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 07:10 PM

I think a sexual promising that they are okay with no sex at the beginning of a relationship is a bit like someone promising to diet when they aren't hungry. It's an easy thing to follow at first, then pretty soon you get hungry and realize how difficult and unrealistic abstaining from sex, or food, is for most people.
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#22 Lady Heartilly

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 07:23 PM

This post reminds me of one of my exes. He made it so crystal clear that he was completely fine with me being ace at the beginning of our relationship and that he could "take care of that" himself that I didn't think it would ever come up as an issue. Then, a couple of months later, he said he felt like the universe was playing a cosmic joke on him because he could have sex with the only girl he wanted to. He also insisted that he never got turned on unless the girl was clearly enjoying himself, and yet he made me do some things I was obviously uncomfortable with (nothing really bad though) and got turned on anyway. At the end of the relationship, I was going to make plans to have sex with him even though I really didn't want to, and I ended up breaking up with him instead. Granted, he never actually told me we needed to have sex or it was over, but his behavior pushed me in that direction . . . and then it was over.
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#23 forgottennone

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 09:12 PM

Vamptremage (sorry this laptop wont let me multi quote :(): "Of course I would never even consider remaining with a person if they basically told me to have sex with them or leave. I'd be leaving in a heart beat. "

Even if I was more interested in sex I would've still stopped seeing him. I mean it's hardly smooth or respectful is it?

#24 Avistew

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 09:32 PM

Hi :) I thought I'd add my comments as someone who is sexual, but as also been "de facto asexual" with a partner who pressured me despite saying he wasn't doing it, and that I was cruel and mean, etc.
The "de facto asexual" thing is that I had a period of time with no libido at all (it was medical). It lasted about six months without sex, then I got better and had sex again, however the way he acted during these six months broke my trust in him and I kind of lost sexual attraction to him completely. So as far as he was concerned, I was asexual.
For two more years he kept pressuring me and I was having sex every so often, but it was very hard, especially since when I had sex with him, he'd want it again the next day. I kept thinking I thought I'd be "left alone" for longer than that!
I was still sexual (outside of the six months mentioned above) so I could try and think of other things and "fake it" but I think I can relate to asexual people more now that I've experienced that.

But first I have a question:

but on the other hand I feel like after time for them, it will lead to them cheating on me


This part I'm not sure I quite understand. When this situation happened with my partner, I was the one trying to get him to get his sex elsewhere so he would leave me alone. As an asexual person, what scares you with the idea that your sexual partner has sex with someone else? Since it's something they require that you can't provide, doesn't it make sense?
And since sex isn't something you find important, since you don't require it, why does it become important when your partner has it with someone else?
It confuses me, I have to say. Or is it the "cheating" part? I would totally get not wanting him to go behind your back, but agreements can be made with these kinds of things, it doesn't have to be him betraying you.

Now, not that I am polyamorous, so I guess I don't have the same outlook as most people. For me, it just wouldn't be acceptable to ever restrict someone's sexual or emotional relationships. But even for monos, I figure, what would hurt you should be an emotional affair, not a romantic one, if you're romantic and asexual?


Otherwise, to answer your question... As a sexual, I find it hard to imagine going without sex for the rest of my life. It would be harder than going without tasty foods, music and movies combined. Your mileage may vary of course, depending on how sexual you are (that is, of how sexual he is) but still, it would be hard. I feel like he would either complain, or suffer in silence but in an obvious way.

My partner was very "I would never want to force you", but he was also very "So, are you in the mood yet?". His "I don't want to force you" didn't mean "I'll drop it" but "I'll insist until it doesn't qualify as forcing you anymore". Even after I clearly said "no" he would start getting sexual, thinking he could "convince" me. Once I broke into tears because it was so hard for me, I was not just not aroused, but also in pain that day, I told him I could barely move, and he said "I don't mind" and started moving me into position, obviously planning to just use my body.

I broke up with him soon after that incident. He could not even understand why I felt so horrible, and seemed to think he was the victim in it, that I was torturing him... But it's not like I was depriving him of sex period, he was allowed to get it elsewhere with my blessings, so I definitely wasn't going to take the blame for that! The only person he wasn't allowed to have sex with was myself if I wasn't in the mood, which sure, was most of the time, but he still had billions of other possibilities -_-'

Anyways. I don't want people "just for sex", but I would probably want some sex anyways, and from being on the other side I can tell you that as much as he kept telling me he didn't "want me just for sex", I felt exactly like he did a lot of the time. So I would consider talking to him about it (is he really fine without going without sex for the rest of his life, or does he just think he'll "convince" you somehow? Is he planning to get sexual satisfaction in other places, and if so, which? What are you comfortable with him doing as long as it means no sex with you? etc.)
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#25 MadRat

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 09:37 PM

I think a sexual promising that they are okay with no sex at the beginning of a relationship is a bit like someone promising to diet when they aren't hungry. It's an easy thing to follow at first, then pretty soon you get hungry and realize how difficult and unrealistic abstaining from sex, or food, is for most people.

This comparison is briliant! ;)
 
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#26 Vampyremage

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 09:45 PM

but on the other hand I feel like after time for them, it will lead to them cheating on me


This part I'm not sure I quite understand. When this situation happened with my partner, I was the one trying to get him to get his sex elsewhere so he would leave me alone. As an asexual person, what scares you with the idea that your sexual partner has sex with someone else? Since it's something they require that you can't provide, doesn't it make sense?
And since sex isn't something you find important, since you don't require it, why does it become important when your partner has it with someone else?
It confuses me, I have to say. Or is it the "cheating" part? I would totally get not wanting him to go behind your back, but agreements can be made with these kinds of things, it doesn't have to be him betraying you.


As an asexual myself, I don't really understand that part of it either. If I was sexual I'm pretty sure I'd be polyamorous as well. In fact, even though I'm asexual I'm still kind of interested in trying some things with another woman, if only to find out if its any different than it is with a man. Although if I ever do that, first I'd have to get over the major mental issues my brain has suddenly decided to drop on me :P

Still, I have told my bf that I am completely ok with him finding sex elsewhere, as long as he is upfront and honest about it. Even when I engaged in sexual activity, sex just didn't mean very much to me. It was a physical and sometimes pleasurable thing and nothing else. I understand that sexuals need sex to some degree and don't see any issue with my bf getting it from someone else. The problem I have with cheating is the dishonesty involved, but I don't think its cheating if both partners are aware and accepting of it. The problem, unfortunately, is that my bf is the type to only want to have sex with his partner and that's just not something that I can give him any longer.
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#27 MadRat

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 09:47 PM

My partner was very "I would never want to force you", but he was also very "So, are you in the mood yet?". His "I don't want to force you" didn't mean "I'll drop it" but "I'll insist until it doesn't qualify as forcing you anymore". Even after I clearly said "no" he would start getting sexual, thinking he could "convince" me. Once I broke into tears because it was so hard for me, I was not just not aroused, but also in pain that day, I told him I could barely move, and he said "I don't mind" and started moving me into position, obviously planning to just use my body.

I broke up with him soon after that incident.

It sound horrible, in fact like a rape. :(
*hugs for you*
Im glad you kicked him out of your life.
 
We must remember wounds so deep
take time to heal,
and sometimes, though we struggle still,
life seems surreal.
 
(Nevermore - Dead Heart in a Dead World)
 

 


#28 Avistew

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 10:15 PM

It sound horrible, in fact like a rape. :(
*hugs for you*
Im glad you kicked him out of your life.


Thanks! It's still a bit hard to talk about it, especially since he (my husband, by the way, we were married :S) played the victim, and when I broke up most people took his side :( Except my boyfriend (long-distance relationship), who had been helping me to be more sexual with my husband and would have come over to punch him if he hadn't lived far away.

It's weird, because I joined the forums to learn about asexuality, and I never thought that I might find people who would understand my own situation. And in many ways, my situation was different. I was still sexual, there had just been something that "broke" with my husband, I didn't trust him and didn't feel sexual attraction to him anymore, and I was trying hard to rebuild that... My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband, but ultimately my husband wanted too much too fast and my trust broke down even more :S

I'm glad I broke up, and it's weird because aside from the sexual aspect we actually had so much in common... I feel like our relationship would have worked a lot better as a close friendship. At some point I even told him I'd rather consider ourselves roommates from now on, and he seemed fine with it (he was "fine" with anything that meant staying together) but he still complained about the lack of sex all the time.

Actually, when I broke up with him, one of the first things he said is "I'm worried I'll never have sex again". I think he was way too sex-focused and that wore me out, even though I'm usually sexual too.
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#29 Sally

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 11:13 PM

Thanks! It's still a bit hard to talk about it, especially since he (my husband, by the way, we were married :S) played the victim, and when I broke up most people took his side :( Except my boyfriend (long-distance relationship), who had been helping me to be more sexual with my husband and would have come over to punch him if he hadn't lived far away.

... My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband, but ultimately my husband wanted too much too fast and my trust broke down even more :S


What? :blink:

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#30 rlib

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 11:24 PM

My boyfriend was helping a lot, getting me aroused and then "sending" me to my husband

If you got aroused by your boyfriend, that's not asexuality. You simply fell out of love with your husband and in love with another guy instead. And by the sound of it, you and your husband then dragged out a failed marriage for way too long.
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