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How do you know if another person FEELS the same attraction you feel? Is that 'spark' felt by both parties equally?


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#1 vogue

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 07:57 AM

Hi all..

I was just wondering this question as I remember feeling intense "sparks" with some guys in the past... like intense attractions, and I will *usually* find out that they were attracted to me too. But there's other times when despite feeling this 'spark' of attraction... I learn, the guy may not be "that much into me" as I thought he was. Or I'm not sure. If you feel a really strong spark, does this necessarily mean the other person does too? How do you know? If there's such a strong dynamic between you two... you're staring into each other's eyes intensely, both feel happy to be around each other, etc... is that basically a good sign that attraction is mutual? This is probably an idiotic question but honestly ever since I have heard that attraction may not be returned or may not be felt by both... I wonder, if there's such a strong chemistry between people, how can that be the case? If I feel it... why wouldn't the other feel it? It almost seems like a law of physics? Like gravity... if it's felt by one person, the other person feels the same pull? maybe just not quite as intensely?

#2 Gho St Ory Qwan

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 08:07 AM

Ask them and see if the majority matches up. some look for over 50% correlation, some for something like 90-98% correlation. As long as you figure out which one is suitable for yourself you can normally come to a conclusion. If you don't have any idea, even the slightest difference might be considered something that makes the feelings compeltely different.
I'd like to say if theres a level of love then it is all the same; but it appears this isn't enough for some most people.

Just ask them. No one else knows.

Sometimes I feel a spark (I've no idea if this resembles the sort people so often talk about though) and I want to just hear them speak, or hang around them, or its just particularly for that moment in time. I don't think it's an actual connection all the time, and even if it is, its not always important. Kinda like when you and another person find something hysterically funny, you connect; doesn't mean you're going to feel differently towards each other afterwards. I see it sort of like that.

People react in every possible way to any single thing, so there is no set reaction that means something else.
They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me. --Nathaniel Lee

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#3 Gho St Ory Qwan

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 08:09 AM

NB I'm relatively oblivious to the other persons feelings or intent, I can only speculate. I never really assume one thing or another, I might suspect on some level, but I mean to say I can't understand your confusion on the possibility of the other not feeling or noticing. I've never really felt that so much.

It's incredibly easy to miss external romance, for people like me.
They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me. --Nathaniel Lee

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#4 Dr. Cheezoid

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 08:57 AM

I've felt strong attraction for someone for a few months now aned I thought that there was some sparks between me and her, well at the start that is. Turns out she didn't have the same spark for me. Thinking about it rather hurts because I think of the last real close moment her and I had and it breaks me heart that it couldn't be anymore than what it is now. I can't hold her or look into her eyes or even try to kiss her anymore, and she was the last girl who I really felt I could want to connect with so deeply. Even after so long I still feel for her but her having feelings for me, it hasn't seemed to have developed over time.

#5 vogue

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 09:06 AM

I've felt strong attraction for someone for a few months now aned I thought that there was some sparks between me and her, well at the start that is. Turns out she didn't have the same spark for me. Thinking about it rather hurts because I think of the last real close moment her and I had and it breaks me heart that it couldn't be anymore than what it is now. I can't hold her or look into her eyes or even try to kiss her anymore, and she was the last girl who I really felt I could want to connect with so deeply. Even after so long I still feel for her but her having feelings for me, it hasn't seemed to have developed over time.


hmm, she may not have had the SAME intensity of feeling for you... the same "spark", but if you kissed her... if you guys went out at all, then she probably felt SOMETHING? Also, attraction can change over time... you may feel a 'spark' at first but after getting to know the person, the initial spark may disappear... that may be what happened. If you guys kissed, then there was probably SOME attraction so don't feel TOO down :)

#6 Dr. Cheezoid

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 09:20 AM


I've felt strong attraction for someone for a few months now aned I thought that there was some sparks between me and her, well at the start that is. Turns out she didn't have the same spark for me. Thinking about it rather hurts because I think of the last real close moment her and I had and it breaks me heart that it couldn't be anymore than what it is now. I can't hold her or look into her eyes or even try to kiss her anymore, and she was the last girl who I really felt I could want to connect with so deeply. Even after so long I still feel for her but her having feelings for me, it hasn't seemed to have developed over time.


hmm, she may not have had the SAME intensity of feeling for you... the same "spark", but if you kissed her... if you guys went out at all, then she probably felt SOMETHING? Also, attraction can change over time... you may feel a 'spark' at first but after getting to know the person, the initial spark may disappear... that may be what happened. If you guys kissed, then there was probably SOME attraction so don't feel TOO down :)


The thing is at first I was afraid that she did have some sort of attraction to me, then I actually felt an attraction to her, I don't know if she actually felt something for me or not, but it didn't seem there. I didn't go out with her even though I wanted to and only a feew times did me and her kiss. That was about it.

#7 phantomwriter

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 04:17 AM

I've had it both ways: where I felt a spark that was un-reciprocated and where someone felt a spark with me but I didn't feel the same. I don't think it's ever happened where it was equal. I've even had it like you said where I was very happy being in the person's company, but still didn't have a spark, just friendly feelings. I think it's most difficult to judge when you're feeling the spark because your judgment is marred by your hopes and feelings. It's easier to tell if you're impartial. Really, the best way to know is to talk about it, but of course that's easier said than done :P

#8 Dr. Cheezoid

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 08:06 AM

It always been un-reciprocated love for me. Plus I've never felt the same way for those who've liked me. I don't know if it's much of a big deal for them but for me it can be due to me not liking a lot of people that easily and having a hard time getting over them and wanting to move on.

#9 Caspian

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Posted 27 December 2010 - 08:07 PM

Every person has a rational (logical) side and an emotional side. These two sides often coincide, but there are times when we have to make a choice between between what logic and emotion tells us to do. I agree with Vogue that if you happen to feel a large "spark" for someone, it's likely that the other person's emotional side also feels something, although it may not necessarily be the same magnitude as the spark you feel.

However, if someone's logical side doesn't coincide with this "spark" felt by their emotional side, they are forced to make a choice. Some people may choose to listen to logic over their hearts-- when this happens, emotions will soon follow and eventually die down. While the spark which you felt may continue to grow, for all practical purposes, they truly don't feel anything.

The best you can do is have an honest conversation with the other person and take their words at face-value. If they claim that they don't feel anything, accept it.

#10 G-Max

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Posted 28 December 2010 - 02:49 AM

Humans are not telepathic. Does that answer your question?
I thought that I was a heterosexual who came here to learn about asexuality and the perspectives of the people who benefit and/or suffer from it; I ended up learning mostly about myself, and for a while, briefly settled on "Rabger heterosexual / Type C asexual". Now, however, I'm currently identifying as "for all of your definitions and hundreds of combinations of labels, not one describes what I am, so fuck it". You can call it "metasexual" for short.




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