Friendship... why would my friend not invite me to her bday party..?

[vogue]

So I b*tched on here before about how friends have often let me down in the past... well, I just went out with one of my friends at school for sushi tonight, with another friend... I considered this girl my BEST friend last year, we always pretty much stuck together & were known as sisters at law school. But gradually, we've started to move away or detach a bit... she's much more social/extrovertive than me, whereas I am quite studious, and I don't go out as much as her... so I wasn't seeing her at as many social events/hanging out with her this much this year... and secondly, she has a new boyfriend this year & made new friends at study abroad over the summer (I didn't study abroad, as I couldn't afford it..) So she has some new networks of friends, and that's understandable... but I haven't seen her that much this year, which is something she remarked on over dinner... but I still really like her as a friend, and wish we were as close as we were before.

However, I was really hurt because I noticed a few friends writing on her Facebook wall "Can't wait for your birthday party!! Can't wait 'til the 22nd!!"

Because our birthdays are only 2 days apart, last year we actually planned on a joint bday party, but I got sick and had to cancel. I know she was upset, because that meant her bday party was cancelled as well...(although I guess, she still could have went ahead with it, but she opted not to..) But anyway... I don't know why she didn't invite me to her party this year. I actually asked her at dinner "are you having a party this year?" and she sort of stumbled over the question, and was like "umm, no, not really, I think my parents are just going to take me out... you know, I'm going to be in Toronto..so yeah." And I was thinking "Umm, I'm going to be in Toronto too..."

Do you guys know why she wouldn't invite me? I can't quite figure it out... maybe she thinks I'm a party pooper since I occassionally cancel on social events & got sick last year... maybe she's scared it will happen again. But if we have separate parties.... then... it doesn't even matter if I don't attend, it's just not cool for her NOT to invite me, when I thought I was one of her best friends... obviously she must feel differently..?? But we were fine at dinner today, it doesn't seem like she's really upset or something... I just can't figure it out.

It seems like I'm not made for relationships OR friendships. :(

[Guest]

You could send a text or facebook PM saying "Why didn't you invite me to your birthday party? Are you mad at me?" and leave it at that. If she's mad at you, you'll find out and can try to fix it. If she gives some other excuse, she is trying to end the friendship, and you can move on.

Otherwise you'll just keep growing further apart and wondering why. I'd say you don't have much to lose by asking.

[vogue]

You could send a text or facebook PM saying "Why didn't you invite me to your birthday party? Are you mad at me?" and leave it at that. If she's mad at you, you'll find out and can try to fix it. If she gives some other excuse, she is trying to end the friendship, and you can move on.

Otherwise you'll just keep growing further apart and wondering why. I'd say you don't have much to lose by asking.

I don't want to be too confrontational... she might see that as being needy/insecure. And I already did that with another mutual friend (he was a real jerk & deleted me from Facebook after I offered to help him with a job search..) and I think he may have told her I was insecure when I sent him a similar message saying he's rude for doing that, and should have just told me to my face if he didn't want to be friends.

I dunno... but she has avoided inviting me to things where he's present, so there may have been something said. That said, I thought I was a closer friend to her than him... so if she isn't inviting me to her party because of him (I'm not even sure they're that closer anymore anyway..) then that seems odd.

Also, if she was mad at me and wanted to end the friendship, then why would she invite me out for sushi tonight?

[Alan Degas]

First thing I thought of, is that perhaps these friends of hers on facebook are just assuming there is a birthday party...? Or like maybe they're sorta trying to make her have one by "hinting" that they are expecting one..? I dunno.

But anyway, why don't you reply to those messages on facebook? Maybe something along the lines of; Uhhh, got something special planned? :)

And if it turns out she has, well then you at least know that there is a birthday party and that you are not invited... and then you can take it from there and decide if you want to confront her about that or not.

[Tigermilk]

First thing I thought of, is that perhaps these friends of hers on facebook are just assuming there is a birthday party...? Or like maybe they're sorta trying to make her have one by "hinting" that they are expecting one..? I dunno.

But anyway, why don't you reply to those messages on facebook? Maybe something along the lines of; Uhhh, got something special planned? :)

And if it turns out she has, well then you at least know that there is a birthday party and that you are not invited... and then you can take it from there and decide if you want to confront her about that or not.

I agree, there is a chance that she really isn't planning to do anything and the friends are just wording it like that as a cheeky way to try to get her to have a party. I've seen people do stuff like that so I think the messages don't exactly prove it one way or another.

I can't be sure. Maybe it will become clearer as it keeps getting closer to the date. I really hope it works out for the best for you.

[vogue]

Her friends asked when the party was and she said it's on December 22nd.

[Born of Star Dust]

She just might not think that it is the type of party that you would enjoy. If you are studious, and she is more of a "party person," then it might just be that she could only invite a few people, and thought that you, as someone who she percieves as not being a party person, would not enjoy.

One of my friends had a party that I was not invited to. He was polite enough not to talk about it in front of me (like your friend seems to have tried to do), but some of our mutual friends kept constantly talking about it. I mentioned it to him in kind of a joking way, and I think he got the hint that I was kind of hurt that I was not invited, because he said that he did not think it would be a party that I would enjoy, and he did not want to put me into an uncomfortable position. I still would have liked to have been invited, but he's probably right that it would not have been a party I enjoyed. It had a lot of sexual games and heavy drinking. Her friends might be kind of inconsiderate to post about it on her facebook where others could see, but remember that that was not her doing.

Also, and very likely, the friends who posted about the party are the people throwing the party. If others are throwing the party, and they are people who you do not know, then she might have wanted to have invited you, but was unable to, because she was not the person throwing the party.... especially if it's just a get small get together/intimate sort of party. It might not even be a party at all, but just "hanging out" together with a few people. It can be awkward to go to a small get together where everybody knows each-other and then there's the one friend of the birthday girl who is kind of on the outside.

I know that it feels awful (And I've been there MANY times before), but just remember that just because a friend does not do everything with you does not mean that they don't want to be your friend. It sounds like your friend really was trying to spare your feelings, and that she still wants to be your friend!

And even worse case senario, and she is purposely being mean, then that reflects poorly on her, and not you and your ability to have friendships. You mustn't think that you are a bad person for what someone else does. We all sometimes befriend people who do not treat us well. It's not your fault if you are mistreated! BUT, it seems as though your friend honestly wants to still be your friend. As other posters mentioned, you don't even know if she's having a party. She obviously still wants to be around you if she is having sushi with you, right? If this girl is a good friend, then do not let one misunderstanding hurt your friendship or your feelings.

I am sorry that situation, whether there really is a party or not, is causing you to be sad. I really hope that everything works out, and I hope that you know that you are a good person who is worthy of friendships, and anyone who mistreats you is the one who is unworthy.

[Tigermilk]

And even worse case senario, and she is purposely being mean, then that reflects poorly on her, and not you and your ability to have friendships.

I can't second this enough.

[Pamcakes]

You could send a text or facebook PM saying "Why didn't you invite me to your birthday party? Are you mad at me?" and leave it at that. If she's mad at you, you'll find out and can try to fix it. If she gives some other excuse, she is trying to end the friendship, and you can move on.

Otherwise you'll just keep growing further apart and wondering why. I'd say you don't have much to lose by asking.

I don't want to be too confrontational... she might see that as being needy/insecure.

I can understand the concern, Vogue, but you're not going to know the truth unless you ask her.

And as awkward as it can be, I do believe this is the sort of thing that needs to be brought up, otherwise the doubt festers and can poison the rest of your interaction. So! On with the Big Girl Pants[tm] (as my mother used to say), screw up your courage, remind yourself that if you are drifting apart you'd rather know now so you don't waste any more energy on a dying friendship, and approach her about.

Tell her straight: "Hi, I saw on Facebook that you're having a party, but I haven't received an invite. It's your right not to invite me, and I'm not upset, but I'm just curious as to why. What's going on?"

Good luck.

P.