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#1 Doreen

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 03:45 PM

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm asexual. I've been in sexual relationships before, and some of those relationships even lasted for several years, though the sex never made it much past the "honeymoon phase". My theory is that I was all caught up in the excitement of clicking with someone that I liked a lot, so sex seemed fun because EVERYTHING with that person seemed fun. I had sex more because I was "supposed" to and not exactly because I wanted to. (I do like physical intimacy, like kissing and cuddling, so I guess I can see how I got carried away.)

By the way, I figure that I'm asexual and not just easily bored with relationship sex because when I'm single, I don't have any desire for sex. Occasionally I'll miss the cuddling-type stuff, but I'm mostly content. I also don't have any desire for sex outside of my relationships -- no fantasizing about the hot waiter or anything like that.

Anyway, I'm currently in a relationship right now. This relationship began with sex involved, and now things have tapered off to very little sex. I'm not interested in the sex at all, but I've been doing it to make him happy, like a compromise. I "came out" to him last week, and we've been discussing various sexual compromises because we still love each other tons and want to make the relationship work if possible.

So my question for you guys (finally!): Are any of you having sex as a compromise when you have no interest in it? How does your situation work, if you don't mind sharing? Are there any tips (for lack of a better word) that you can give me? Sometimes I'm repulsed by even the idea of having sex, so on those occasions I refuse to do anything with my boyfriend. But when I'm feeling more neutral about things, we'll have sex, but I find it so BORING because I'm not into it at all. And I feel like I have to pretend to be at least a little bit into it because that's part of the experience for him -- it's not like doing some other boring favor-type thing for him where I can let him know how bored I am, like going with him to his little brother's soccer game or something, if that makes any sense.

This whole situation makes me feel very much like a Victorian bride, all "lie back and think of England". :P

#2 under_the_radar

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 04:35 PM

Well you can, I know I do, and it's very complicated. Communication and understanding will be key along with you taking special care to have boundaries in place so you don't end up harming your own feelings or the relationship. I must say I have been with my husband since 2007 and I do not have this figured out, but I do stress you need to keep compromises as healthy as possible with no extreme expectations to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.

So I guess...

#1: Yes, I'm a compromising asexual

#2: I don't know how it works and it's always a work in progress! :P

#3: Communication, communication, communication... with a touch of reflection, introspective reasoning, and lots of integrity.

Good luck, I don't think there is a blanket answer or any answer since all relationships are different and hopefully not complacent, but I hope this bit of insight and honesty is helpful. :)
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#3 Sally

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 05:54 PM

Sometimes I'm repulsed by even the idea of having sex, so on those occasions I refuse to do anything with my boyfriend. But when I'm feeling more neutral about things, we'll have sex, but I find it so BORING because I'm not into it at all. And I feel like I have to pretend to be at least a little bit into it because that's part of the experience for him -- it's not like doing some other boring favor-type thing for him where I can let him know how bored I am, like going with him to his little brother's soccer game or something, if that makes any sense.

This whole situation makes me feel very much like a Victorian bride, all "lie back and think of England". :P


This doesn't sound like compromise sex. A compromise is when two people are getting a little of what they want out of a situation. What are you getting out of doing something you are either repulsed from or bored with? I think that's an important question for you to investigate. We can't give you answers on that because it's your own personal situation.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#4 LoNeR bY dEfAuLt

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 10:25 PM

When you feel repulsed by the idea of sex, don't do it. If your boyfriend loves you then he will understand and accept that 'dry spells' are all part of being with an asexual/demisexual.

As for the times when it's just boring to you... well, does your boyfriend do anything just for your sake that bores him? If so, I'd say it's fair enough for you do have sex with him just for his sake, because it's all about give and take. If he doesn't, then don't do it!

Only you can know how you really feel about it :)

#5 Doreen

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Posted 22 October 2010 - 02:50 PM

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

Sally: On the occasions that I'm repulsed, I won't have sex, so it's really just the boredom that's my issue. (That's why I mentioned the repulsion part. Sorry if I was confusing!) And I honestly don't think it's JUST the being bored part that I find difficult, it's being bored combined with sort of having to pretend like I'm not. Like with the example I gave of watching his brother's soccer game -- there's nothing in it for me to watch a bunch of kids running around, other than doing something nice for my partner. But at soccer games, no one expects me to jump up and down and cheer or be otherwise enthusiastic, but I feel like it's impolite if I treat sex like some other boring activity where I'm yawning and checking the clock.

As for what I'm getting out of it, I'm thinking more about the big picture -- I get to be in a relationship with someone I love that is perfect in every other way but the sex. I feel good about the compromise when I'm not right smack dab in the middle of doing it. Then I'm bored.

perpetually~lonely: That's where the give-and-take comes in. I'm bored when I'm having sex with him, and he's sometimes frustrated when he's NOT having sex with me, but overall we both feel good to be giving the other something that they need.

I think part of the reason I feel like I need to act not-bored is because he's really good about keeping his cool when he's sexually frustrated. He knows that I'd feel guilty otherwise (even though I know I have no reason to feel guilty, I'm still outgrowing the Catholic guilt of my youth), so I want to reciprocate by ACTING somewhat enthusiastic during the sex.

Thanks again, guys. I really do appreciate the input. And under_the_radar, it's good to know that I'm not alone!

#6 Phoenix Incarnate

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Posted 23 October 2010 - 01:19 AM

"Compromise sex" is something I have very, very mixed feelings about. First of all, no one owes anyone sex, no matter how much they claim to love each other or feel like they are doing them a favor. In fact, I personally feel like if someone really, truly loved me, they would not even let me try to have compromise sex with them because they would know I wouldn't want to do it. I realize other asexuals may feel differently. I'm simply speaking for myself.

I've never been in a real relationship before, but I have come close, and in each one when I thought about what we would do about the sex issue, I point-blank refused. I should not have to feel like I have to do something for someone else just to make them happy. And if they honestly loved me in return, they would understand and accept it.

I would compromise on certain things, though. I love being physically intimate without being sexual, and I wouldn't mind doing certain sensual things with someone I love, like bathing together or sleeping in the same bed together. I like being touched in places that are intimate but not sexual, like my neck and the small of my back. I wouldn't mind giving massages or holding someone or kissing them or caressing them, so long as no genitals are involved.

Everyone is different though and just because one asexual won't compromise or will only compromise so much doesn't mean another asexual won't mind having sex with their partner. It's all a matter of trust and understanding, and making yourself clear to your partner and understanding what they want as well.


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#7 you*hear*but*do*you*listen

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Posted 24 October 2010 - 01:15 AM

IMHO, whether or not "compromise sex" actually works in a relationship really, REALLY depends on the people in the relationship. I'm a homoromantic asexual and in a sexual relationship with my fiancee. This works because we are very good about communicating what is and is not okay in terms of physical intimacy, and what we do and do not want to happen. Communication is key. (Duh. That's been mentioned before.) I feel like another big issue with "compromise sex"--I use the quotation marks because I don't like the connotations of the word "compromise"--is what sex acts are actually involved. Because there's a lot more out there besides PIV sex. For me personally, there are some sex acts that I'm comfortable with and some that I'm not. If intercourse is just really boring, maybe talk to your partner about a different sex act that wouldn't be as boring/uncomfortable/what have you.

I guess it all comes down to communication, and whether or not the two people's needs (as in, needs to not be involved in something icky; I do NOT see sex as a "need"), desires and personal boundaries are compatible in the end.
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#8 Sleeping Beauty

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Posted 24 October 2010 - 01:41 AM

I feel like it's impolite if I treat sex like some other boring activity where I'm yawning and checking the clock.

You know what? I can totally relate to this.
I share my experience with you, hoping it could suggest some perspectives to think about, even if I'm not really compromising now actually.
My best friend keeps telling me it happens to sexual people too to feel it boring or do it when they don't really want to and it's not that much of a problem if eventually I find out it's too boring and uninteresting, on the contrary I have this deep convinction that as long as I waste my time on something (whatever it is) I have to do it my best. And I do see sex as a waste of time for the sake of the sexual husband, I mean, I could accept the whole making love thing but I'm still not really the one who gives demonstrations of love in the normally accepted meaning. The fact that I'm with someone is my demonstration of a true and deep feeling. Anyway, this is another story.
I know for sure that I'm going to compromise if my current SO is marrying me (I hope it's happening), which is a proposal that requires a lot of self confidence and self investigation because it's meant to be over a lifetime. But I know I want it on some different level, not just because it looks like I owe him sex or sex is a need. I knew he could be expecting sex from me before I decided to go down the road of falling in love and everything, if we accept free will it was my own deliberate choice. This is the main reason why my neutrality almost never turns down to repulsion/don't want to. I had sort of an attempt to have sex in the past, I regret it, honestly, and it started from the wrong point. I was uninterested and thought I owed it because it was what I was expected to want. The only thing I remember is that I kept watching the Killers on TV. Asexuality made me more confident about my boundaries and, instead of waiting for a miracle, I started to find out my dimension in a sexual universe. My advice, if I can dare giving you one, is to try to find a higher motivation for doing it, like the feelings of the new story you speak about in the first part of your post ;)

#9 efAston

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 08:41 AM

For me, compromise sex does not work, and if I have advice for anyone, it's to never do something with which you're uncomfortable, whatever your sexuality. Sex is just not something where you should ever "suck it and see" - so to speak, for anyone's sake but your own. If you're not comfortable, back out, and always leave yourself room to back out. One experience can hurt you for any length of time, and have any amount of impact on your life, if you don't leave yourself a way out.

#10 JayJayJay

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 08:42 PM


I feel like it's impolite if I treat sex like some other boring activity where I'm yawning and checking the clock.

You know what? I can totally relate to this.
I share my experience with you, hoping it could suggest some perspectives to think about, even if I'm not really compromising now actually.
My best friend keeps telling me it happens to sexual people too to feel it boring or do it when they don't really want to and it's not that much of a problem if eventually I find out it's too boring and uninteresting, on the contrary I have this deep convinction that as long as I waste my time on something (whatever it is) I have to do it my best. And I do see sex as a waste of time for the sake of the sexual husband, I mean, I could accept the whole making love thing but I'm still not really the one who gives demonstrations of love in the normally accepted meaning. The fact that I'm with someone is my demonstration of a true and deep feeling. Anyway, this is another story.
I know for sure that I'm going to compromise if my current SO is marrying me (I hope it's happening), which is a proposal that requires a lot of self confidence and self investigation because it's meant to be over a lifetime. But I know I want it on some different level, not just because it looks like I owe him sex or sex is a need. I knew he could be expecting sex from me before I decided to go down the road of falling in love and everything, if we accept free will it was my own deliberate choice. This is the main reason why my neutrality almost never turns down to repulsion/don't want to. I had sort of an attempt to have sex in the past, I regret it, honestly, and it started from the wrong point. I was uninterested and thought I owed it because it was what I was expected to want. The only thing I remember is that I kept watching the Killers on TV. Asexuality made me more confident about my boundaries and, instead of waiting for a miracle, I started to find out my dimension in a sexual universe. My advice, if I can dare giving you one, is to try to find a higher motivation for doing it, like the feelings of the new story you speak about in the first part of your post ;)


I don't know if you are against pre-marital sex or not, but wouldn't it be a better idea to try sex with your SO before getting married? If you realized that sex didn't work for you and your partner after marriage, it would be far too late.

Since we are asexual, I don't think we can really compare ourselves to sexual people who have sex when they don't want to because they at least have a basic interest in it.

I will admit that I'm not going to be doing the "sex thing," but even if I were, I would want to try it out before marriage. I wouldn't want to do anything "new" after marriage and see how it goes because things could go horribly wrong. And unlike us, sexuals view sex as an important (and crucial) way to express their love. If we can't reciprocate that love the way they want us to, the relationship could go downhill.

I wish you and your SO luck. Does he know that you are asexual? If so, I guess that can definitely make a huge (positive) difference. There are asexual/sexual couples out there who work because they communicate effectively, so anything's possible.

#11 Sleeping Beauty

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 08:55 PM

I don't know if you are against pre-marital sex or not, but wouldn't it be a better idea to try sex with your SO before getting married? If you realized that sex didn't work for you and your partner after marriage, it would be far too late.

On a rational level I agree with you but I don't feel like actually doing it for several reasons, it is a bit controversial but I don't want to bore you and the other readers with the explanation :)
My position for now (which is a little more condescending compared to the past) is that I want at least a serious intention of him to marry me after the "compatibility test", unless the situation is really impossible to handle. Or something like the original pagan marriage who was for a year and a day. I don't think I could cope with giving myself to someone too early and for the wrong reasons and being an asexual I give too much importance to the idea of the reunion of the split souls and all the nice dreaming I use to convince myself. I hope it makes sense, in my head it does.

#12 under_the_radar

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 09:23 PM

Since we are asexual, I don't think we can really compare ourselves to sexual people who have sex when they don't want to because they at least have a basic interest in it.


I have to agree with this, at the same time I think it's a very complicated dilemma because of a lack of... forgive me if I can't describe this right... any change of a truly equal evaluation of the balances and validity of where sex is a need and where it is a frivolous way of having a hedonistic sensory overload.

I personally have difficulty with understanding it as an asexual, but sexuals have trouble with seeing eye to eye on this very individual experience. I think relationships are give and take, life is the same way, but there is a level of imbalance that is extremely unhealthy on many levels.

I don't think it's fair to trick or force a sexual into being celibate, I also don't think it's fair for a sexual to try and make an asexual feel differently or develop a value on any act that it's impossible to do so on individualistically.

To make a long story short if the sexual cannot understand that sex is a part of making them happy, a gesture of intimacy they understand extended out of care, and there are boundaries of what is comfortable and consensual without coercion a good hard look at reasonable expectations and what is mutual healthy needs to be reevaluated.
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#13 Insatiate Hope

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 09:33 PM

I want to quote another member's post, but have NO IDEA how to used the multiquote function, so please bear with me!

Sleeping Beauty said: "Asexuality made me more confident about my boundaries and, instead of waiting for a miracle, I started to find out my dimension in a sexual universe."

This is so true--it resonates with me so deeply and I think, with your permission, I'll be quoting it for years...Thanks!

(If anyone wants to give me a brief tutorial on quoting other's posts, I would be really grateful. :)
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#14 Sleeping Beauty

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 10:12 PM

If you have to quote a single person click "Reply" under the specific post, if you want to quote more posts then pick them by clicking "MultiQuote" and when you have all of them click "Add reply". If you need more help I make you some screen caps ;)
Anyway, feel free to quote me as you like :P

#15 vogue

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Posted 26 October 2010 - 05:44 AM

Just curious... why do you think you're asexual? is it just because you don't have a sex drive outside of relationships? because that's the same as me.. I just attribute it to having a low libido though, and not because I'm asexual? There's a difference..

#16 Tepris

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Posted 26 October 2010 - 06:03 AM

If this were six or so months ago, I'd actually have to question if you were my partner :P

I've been in a 3+ year (and counting, and not going to end ever on my watch) relationship with a woman who now considers herself asexual. When we first started going out, she was a lot more open with sexual things (hell, SHE initiated our first kiss, now it's good luck for me getting her to make out with her ever). She does consider sex to be more boring than anything (including repulsive), though -- as in, she'll have sex with me when I really want her to, but is pretty obviously bored in such situations and pretty much compromising with me in such spots.

Though, in a more bizarre dynamic, she's willing to let me have casual (as in -- emotionless) sex with others so long as there's no emotion to it. Like, if I had sex with someone else it'd be fine but if I cuddled afterwards, I'd feel wrong about it. Also there are other dynamics (which are not explicitly for this thread but I have posted elsewhere) that contribute to her decision.

I will, with regards to the last statement, say that there are certain things she can do with me that are not sexual to her, but VERY sexual to me, and if she's willing to do them, are more enjoyable to me sexually than just standard sex with her given she doesn't like sex. I kind of feel such situations might not apply to you, but they are plausible as a compromise between a sexual and an asexual in a relationship.

#17 Infinite Ruse

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Posted 27 October 2010 - 01:22 PM

What Tepris said.

I recently came out as asexual, and am just entering a relationship with a sexual. While I'm not comfortable with the idea of compromising at the moment (due to a past relationship), it is a possibility in the future if we get more serious.

But I made sure to explain to him that we likely wouldn't have traditional intercourse if I did compromise. For example, I get an emotional rush from being a domme in light BDSM situations (I found it kind of funny that I had to explain BDSM to him). I can see that as being a good compromise for both of us - providing he's into being a sub, which I guess we'd find out later. I'd get a kind of emotional fulfillment that I can't get out of normal day-to-day experiences, and he'd get sexual fulfillment. There's also a level of trust that goes along with those sorts of exercises that I find really important.

Even if that particular compromise doesn't work out, I'm willing to explore other avenues if we get to that point. Communication, trust, and mutual fulfillment are key, I believe. If you really want to compromise and not seem bored, find a way to stay interested - that works for both of you - like role-playing or using props, or figuring out what fulfills you emotional or spiritually.

Hope that helps!
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#18 maddox22

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Posted 25 November 2010 - 02:06 AM

A year ago I would have said yes, it can work...now I'm not so sure. My husband of 6+ years (been together 10) and I just recently decided that we need to get a divorce, largely (although not solely) because I am asexual and he is not. I give him a lot of credit for being so willing to try so many different things to try to make it work (and compromise sex was part of that), but in the end it just wasn't enough.

On the other hand, I didn't realize I am asexual until we had been married for a few years, whereas it sounds like you came into your relationship with that knowledge (and that your BF also knew early on). That probably makes a difference.
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#19 La Diablesse

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Posted 25 November 2010 - 09:07 PM

I can only speak for myself here... " compromise sex " is something I am most definitely not willing to do...not even for the person I love cause I am uncomfortable with the act , oral , dressing & acting sexy to entice someone.

I feel the same as anti hero . If someone truly loved me they would not want me to do something that makes me very uncomfortable so that they can feel loved or whatever. I do not owe anyone those things nor do I believe I should do something I don't want for the sake of another.
And in the end it's not fair to either of us cause knowing me I would feel scarred and hurt and from what I've seen in the Allies section sexuals can pick up when their partners are unhappy afterwards and they would be hurt too.

This is why I intend to make my repulsed asexuality clear and upfront to an potential SO.
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#20 TinyT

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Posted 26 November 2010 - 06:04 PM

Well you can, I know I do, and it's very complicated. Communication and understanding will be key along with you taking special care to have boundaries in place so you don't end up harming your own feelings or the relationship. I must say I have been with my husband since 2007 and I do not have this figured out, but I do stress you need to keep compromises as healthy as possible with no extreme expectations to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.

So I guess...

#1: Yes, I'm a compromising asexual

#2: I don't know how it works and it's always a work in progress! :P

#3: Communication, communication, communication... with a touch of reflection, introspective reasoning, and lots of integrity.

Good luck, I don't think there is a blanket answer or any answer since all relationships are different and hopefully not complacent, but I hope this bit of insight and honesty is helpful. :)


Well, said under_the_radar. I could not have said it better. I am a compromising asexual too. The only thing I can say is you have to find a balance and only you and your significant other can determine what that balance is.

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#21 Samael

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Posted 26 November 2010 - 08:39 PM

I can only speak for myself here... " compromise sex " is something I am most definitely not willing to do...not even for the person I love cause I am uncomfortable with the act , oral , dressing & acting sexy to entice someone.

I feel the same as anti hero . If someone truly loved me they would not want me to do something that makes me very uncomfortable so that they can feel loved or whatever. I do not owe anyone those things nor do I believe I should do something I don't want for the sake of another.
And in the end it's not fair to either of us cause knowing me I would feel scarred and hurt and from what I've seen in the Allies section sexuals can pick up when their partners are unhappy afterwards and they would be hurt too.

This is why I intend to make my repulsed asexuality clear and upfront to an potential SO.


This. I think especially the last line speaks volumes of wisdom. Always be upfront especially with things as universally important as sex. Most people will need it so it's a good idea to forewarn them to save both parties from needless pain.
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#22 Pamcakes

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 12:25 AM

Compromise sex only works if the 'compromiser' really is completely indifferent, and just views it as like watching a movie they don't particularly care for. If they're the slightest bit repulsed, it won't work, and they shouldn't try.

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#23 samepage1

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 01:46 AM

"Compromise sex" is something I have very, very mixed feelings about. First of all, no one owes anyone sex, no matter how much they claim to love each other or feel like they are doing them a favor. In fact, I personally feel like if someone really, truly loved me, they would not even let me try to have compromise sex with them because they would know I wouldn't want to do it. I realize other asexuals may feel differently. I'm simply speaking for myself.

I've never been in a real relationship before, but I have come close, and in each one when I thought about what we would do about the sex issue, I point-blank refused. I should not have to feel like I have to do something for someone else just to make them happy. And if they honestly loved me in return, they would understand and accept it.

(Bold part is mine ^ ^.)

I share your view, Antihero, which I believe is a fair one, but if so, it is also fair for a sexual to turn right around and say, "I need to have sex, and I shouldn't have to go without sex no matter how much I love someone. If they truly loved me, they wouldn't even think about making me go without sex." Or, worse (for an asexual), "I need them to have sex with me to feel like they love me. So if they love me and accept me as I am, they will have sex with me." The sexual and the asexual view are both reasonable and incompatible, and that is why I will never attempt a relationship with a sexual again (and why I understand if a sexual wouldn't want a relationship with an asexual either).

I realize that I'm an asexual representing merely a potential sexual viewpoint, one that many sexuals certainly don't hold, I'm sure, just as many asexuals don't hold Antihero's view.

#24 Haunted Trolley

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 04:13 AM

Compromise sex only works if the 'compromiser' really is completely indifferent, and just views it as like watching a movie they don't particularly care for. If they're the slightest bit repulsed, it won't work, and they shouldn't try.

P.


Even though I do not fall under the "repulsed" category, I can definitely see someone being repulsed as such; I am somewhat indifferent, but not quite 100% indifferent.
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#25 killjoy188

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 04:40 AM

(Bold part is mine ^ ^.)

I share your view, Antihero, which I believe is a fair one, but if so, it is also fair for a sexual to turn right around and say, "I need to have sex, and I shouldn't have to go without sex no matter how much I love someone. If they truly loved me, they wouldn't even think about making me go without sex." Or, worse (for an asexual), "I need them to have sex with me to feel like they love me. So if they love me and accept me as I am, they will have sex with me." The sexual and the asexual view are both reasonable and incompatible, and that is why I will never attempt a relationship with a sexual again (and why I understand if a sexual wouldn't want a relationship with an asexual either).

I realize that I'm an asexual representing merely a potential sexual viewpoint, one that many sexuals certainly don't hold, I'm sure, just as many asexuals don't hold Antihero's view.

I think the difference, though, is that a repulsed asexual is often traumatized by unwanted sex, whereas a sexual will never be traumatized by not getting sex.

#26 BunnyK.

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 04:58 AM


(Bold part is mine ^ ^.)

I share your view, Antihero, which I believe is a fair one, but if so, it is also fair for a sexual to turn right around and say, "I need to have sex, and I shouldn't have to go without sex no matter how much I love someone. If they truly loved me, they wouldn't even think about making me go without sex." Or, worse (for an asexual), "I need them to have sex with me to feel like they love me. So if they love me and accept me as I am, they will have sex with me." The sexual and the asexual view are both reasonable and incompatible, and that is why I will never attempt a relationship with a sexual again (and why I understand if a sexual wouldn't want a relationship with an asexual either).

I realize that I'm an asexual representing merely a potential sexual viewpoint, one that many sexuals certainly don't hold, I'm sure, just as many asexuals don't hold Antihero's view.

I think the difference, though, is that a repulsed asexual is often traumatized by unwanted sex, whereas a sexual will never be traumatized by not getting sex.


I don't really know about that... I certainly felt pretty traumatized.
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#27 Sally

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 07:15 AM

My experience was compromise sex never gets better. If you don't like it to begin with, you're not likely to change your mind.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#28 Samael

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 02:01 PM


(Bold part is mine ^ ^.)

I share your view, Antihero, which I believe is a fair one, but if so, it is also fair for a sexual to turn right around and say, "I need to have sex, and I shouldn't have to go without sex no matter how much I love someone. If they truly loved me, they wouldn't even think about making me go without sex." Or, worse (for an asexual), "I need them to have sex with me to feel like they love me. So if they love me and accept me as I am, they will have sex with me." The sexual and the asexual view are both reasonable and incompatible, and that is why I will never attempt a relationship with a sexual again (and why I understand if a sexual wouldn't want a relationship with an asexual either).

I realize that I'm an asexual representing merely a potential sexual viewpoint, one that many sexuals certainly don't hold, I'm sure, just as many asexuals don't hold Antihero's view.

I think the difference, though, is that a repulsed asexual is often traumatized by unwanted sex, whereas a sexual will never be traumatized by not getting sex.


I'm repulsed and I've not been traumatized by sexual advances: I've just shunned them without further thought. Just like people who usually feel repulsed by the idea of eating bugs, I don't need to eat bugs to know I'm repulsed by both the idea of it and the act of doing so. However, I have no idea whether my repulsion, which is not connected to trauma, is a common or uncommon phenomena among the people who are repulsed.
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#29 Tigermilk

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 02:35 PM

I don't have much of an interest in sexual acts but I've engaged in them at first out of curiosity and, I suppose, as a "compromise" later (though not for a while now). I think it can work. In my case, it's another way to make my partner very happy and that in itself makes me happier, even if I don't care for the acts. I could very easily go without it and would frankly rather have a good conversation or watch a movie (or, well, eat cake) anytime. I think if I were actively repulsed by sex, I wouldn't stand for but as such it is, as Pamcake said, like watching a movie I don't care for.

I don't know if I could ever try drawing up rules or speaking of "compromise" sex in absolute terms because every partner, whether sexual, asexual or in between will be different which makes for a practically infinite number of potential working compromises (as well as disastrous ones) -- as many as there are couples.

The one thing that I believe is necessary regardless of the situation is full honesty. Every bit of anxiety, worry, disagreement should be expressed and heard. It could be that there just isn't a compromise that would leave both people satisfied and if that's the case that should be made clear. Otherwise there will only be a lot of bitterness and resentment. And I think a lot of fully sexual people, even those who find sex pretty much essential, would balk if they had assumed the other person was as happy with it and as sexual and then found out that they were only commpromising or appeasing later. When I came clean about my feelings that gave my partner a lot of anxiety, making her feel like she had been coercing me into sex or abusing/raping me. That is not the case but for some people it would be. That needs to be said since most people do assume that their partners are equally sexual. I wish we had communicated more effectively from the very beginning (although at the beginning of the relationship I still had no idea how I felt about sex -- it was still something I had convinced myself I wanted and would enjoy and love once I had it).

#30 Kheleya

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 04:57 PM

I have a different take on compromise sex because it is not sufficient for me to fake enthusiasm. I must be able to obtain and sustain an erection and reach orgasm or my partner gets all upset about it. (No jokes; the partners I've tried sex with have been more interested in getting me off than in getting themselves off.) From extensive experience with women, men, couples and BDSM practitioners, I can tell you that compromise sex just doesn't work for me. I feel totally detached and dissociated and literally do not experience anything. My physical and emotional unresponsiveness only frustrates my partners and makes them feel inadequate and damages our friendship. So I think I'll politely refuse to have compromise sex ever again.

For people who are aversives (i.e. disgusted by sex), compromise is obviously a bad idea as well. For people who are not aversives and are capable of sex, whether you choose to consent to sex is purely for you to decide. There's nothing wrong with doing something nice for someone you care about. If you are willing to buy someone a birthday gift, you can have sex with them as well from the same perspective: make it a gift you're giving them. But note that I do NOT advocate or encourage people to take this attitude if it doesn't come naturally to them. If you are a me-first person, then you should be entitled to refuse to use sex as a gift--or to give birthday gifts or mail out christmas cards, etc. It's a matter of personal choice.

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