I've Always Felt Asexual; They Just Told Me I Hadn't Found My Prince Charming Yet... And I Believed Them! X_X

[The Steph Complex]

And after 21 years I'm sick of waiting.. fairy tales do not equal real life.

Words cannot even express how idiotic I feel right now. I have been struggling with my orientation now for over three years. (I didn't know what homosexuality was until I was 16 and I never knowingly met a homosexual until I was 18)

I've gone back and forth between lesbian and bi sexual because I thought that's all there was and all I had to choose from.

Scary thing is that when I started "coming out" back when I was 18 there were a few people who told me they thought I was asexual. I thought they were kidding. See, I'm an intelligent girl. I hear asexual and I think reproducing by budding, and I know humans can't do that.. So I always brushed it off as people making fun of me. Especially when the joke was that I reproduced by budding babies from my armpits...

Now, not only do I understand that they weren't kidding but that they were probably right!

I kind of feel how Hercules felt when he was banished from Mount Olympus when he was a baby. He was living with the Greeks all his life and he always felt different, but he didn't know why. And then one day he met Zeus in the temple and all was explained to him and for the first time in his life things started to make sense and he felt like he belonged. But he was still angry his parents had never told him any of this in the first place. Not that my parents would probably even know that such a thing exists..

As I said neither bi sexual nor lesbian felt right but it felt more normal than saying what I truly felt; that I had never been attracted to anyone and anyone I had "been attracted to" was either for show or completely for the other person's benefit. That's just not a common thing in the incredibly small and biased town that I reside in.. And it's not anything I feel too comfortable sharing either. But then again, it'd be nice to see people's responses.. ugh.. idk...

So I ask you two hard (maybe not so hard) Questions: (actually 3)

1. Can anyone else share in my ridiculousness of once not knowing that asexuality does in fact exist?

2. If I know that my friends thought I was asexual and might be O.K. with knowing what is probably the truth, should I talk to them about it or should I wait and do a little more self discovering before bringing on a possibly embarrassing and potentially trouble making conversation?

3. Would anyone care to share a sort of I suppose "coming out" like experience so that I can weigh it against my own scenario? =p

[Chickenpede]

1. Can anyone else share in my ridiculousness of once not knowing that asexuality does in fact exist?

Actually, yes! I once thought that everyone fit neatly into categories of sexual attraction, and that there was no "none of the above" option. So, I tended to identify as a heterosexual, despite not understanding the whole concept of sexual attraction at all.

2. If I know that my friends thought I was asexual and might be O.K. with knowing what is probably the truth, should I talk to them about it or should I wait and do a little more self discovering before bringing on a possibly embarrassing and potentially trouble making conversation?

You might try! I personally would not find it essential for my friends to know my sexual orientation without context (that would feel weird to me). However, if the topic came up, I might end up telling them.

3. Would anyone care to share a sort of I suppose "coming out" like experience so that I can weigh it against my own scenario? =p

Sorry, can't help you much here; I'm still a "closet-ace". Though I have had a "coming out" experience of a different nature. One day, I decided to tell my mom that I was an atheist/agnostic. That didn't go too well, because she believed that it was just a "phase". But it didn't go too bad, either. I expect that something similar would happen if I told my mom about my asexuality.

[TheChronicWanderer]

First off, welcome! Have some

I haven't been here on AVEN that long but from what I read, a majority of the people here hadn't heard of asexuality until late teen years... and some not till they were in their 30s! I heard someone call someone else in a movie asexual... and it just sounded like me. So I googled it. :D

Telling your friends that you are asexual is a personal choice. I didn't tell my friends until I fully understood the term because my friends ask lots of questions, and I didn't have a full understanding for a while. I had to wait until I really felt confident in my understanding before I told anyone (except my sister and my cousin).

people respond differently to my coming out. I originally came out as a lesbian, because I knew for sure I wasn't heterosexual. But as I got older and more out of my shell, I realized that wasn't quite me, either. When I came out as asexual, I got different answers, ranging from "What the F*** is that?" to an enthusiastic "I'm so happy you trust me enough to tell me. It doesn't change how much I love you" And from my mom "Only Jesus can know your REAL sexual orientation." <_< and a lot of other people here have interesting/sad/funny coming out stories, too.

Have more cake!

[BlackJacq]

See, before I found out asexual was a real thing, I thought I might've been a lesbian. I never looked at a guy in any sort of sexual way (I didn't with women either, but it seemed more logical than just no sexual feelings) then finally, when I was a junior in high school, I made up the term asexual to people who asked. (I lived in a small town (less than 1500) and the only choices were gay or straight. No one had heard 'asexual' till I told them a year later) Which prompted the joke "You reproduce by budding?!". Haha, so funny. <_<

Finally I thought I might be just nuts cause no one felt the same as me and considered psychological help. I then found out that asexuality is a relatively normal thing in human beings and that I was not all alone. Load off my chest. Of course, most of my friends already knew, and any who didn't either a) said they couldn't ever see that being possible or b) were like 'wow, you're so weird and cool and stuff. Lol.' I've never told my mother and dad. I tried once with my mom and got the "Oh, you just need to find the right guy to know." I gave up right then with her.

But yeah, that's my exciting high school life. So don't feel idiotic! I was in that boat too and what a rickety boat it was...

[Crazy_Badge_lady]

removed.

[mindsword]

First off, welcome to AVEN, have some traditional welcome

1. Can anyone else share in my ridiculousness of once not knowing that asexuality does in fact exist?

I was 19 when I figured it out. I found out about asexuality from wikipedia. I was researching sexuality because a friend of mine turned every single conversation into a topic about sexuality. Not being able to argue with him, I resolved to learn more. thus I found out about the asexuality option. Before, I figured I was hetero, and just too focused to notice the mundane things like that. I never felt ridiculous, just happy and scared at the same time.

2. If I know that my friends thought I was asexual and might be O.K. with knowing what is probably the truth, should I talk to them about it or should I wait and do a little more self discovering before bringing on a possibly embarrassing and potentially trouble making conversation?

That is your choice. Some prefer the idea that its not their business, why should you tell them? Of course, a best friend might be able to help you on your path of self-discovery. And if all your friends know, maybe they'll stop asking you if you think so and so is cute/hot. I do suggest telling anyone you enter into a romantic relationship with about your asexuality, or else things might be uncomfortable. (I'm aromantic as well, so I don't really have to deal with that aspect.)

3. Would anyone care to share a sort of I suppose "coming out" like experience so that I can weigh it against my own scenario? =p

I have told some of my friends. they were slightly interested and its more of ho-hum thing. they asked some simple questions at the beginning, but it really hasn't changed anything. I told one group of people because one person kept taking everything I said in a sexual fashion...

As for my family, my mom and brother were cool with it. My dad less so.

[Frontier_Rhesus]

Oh man Steph, I've been there.

1) When I was 15 I met someone at summer camp who everyone thought was gay but identified as asexual. Everyone said that it was impossible, but I remember thinking "What's so weird about feeling like that? But he's over-reacting. I mean, I feel the exact same way, but I'm hetero!"

Since then I assumed that I had an "asexual personality type," always being reminded that it existed but still not willing to accept it as an actual orientation.

Finally, less than a year ago, a random mention on the something awful forums made me remember that it had been 5 years since I first heard the term and I still hadn't looked into it. So I typed it into google, found AVEN, read the definition and was so overwhelmed that I couldn't think for two days. I was writing an essay at the time, but I had to put it off because I was too busy rewriting my entire world view.

So I heard about the term at a young age, understood that it existed, accepted that it described me, and I STILL didn't realize I was ace. Oh yeah, I felt stupid.

2) It's entirely up to you who and when you want to tell. For a long time I put it off because I wasn't 100% sure, and now that I'm 100% sure I'm still not telling people for some reason.

3) I've only come out to three people: a friend and my parents. Neither my friend nor my dad really accepted it; I guess I'm pretty weird and say a lot of stupid things, and they thought it was just me being naive and silly as usual. But my mom totally accepts it. At first when I told her she repeated "Oh no, how sad! How sad!" but now it's not a big deal at all. Every time she brings it up in casual conversation I just glow, because there's one person in the world who actually gets it.

[sevil]

1. I never heard of asexuality before a disappointed fling threw the word at me as a parting gift (I was 24). Since the thing ended in flames I wasn't particularly enclined to believe him or even research it. But it gnawed at me, undermining every other possible relationship I maybe could have had. When I found AVEN a year later through a discussion of Sherlock, I had to grudgingly accept that he was right. So yes, I definitely felt ridiculous and incredibly naive -_-

2. Hm, I can't really give advice on that; I find that talking to other people or writing about it in a blog made it more real to me, helped me to accept and come to terms with it, to model the label after what I'm feeling and so making it a part of me. Translating helped too (I'm German). If your friends are the ones who suggested it to you and it wasn't just meant as a joke, he/she might be the one you like to talk to first. But I can't really tell you when it is the right time. Maybe you can wait for an opening, like discussion about someone's sexuality or the inevitable "OMG, look how hot.... is!"? Or you could buy a black ring and wait till people ask you. If you're comfortable then, you can tell, otherwise just say "I like it." (it's what I did). Maybe they even know what it means, which would make everything very easy.

3. I came out to a friend when I was still in the "figuring out" phase, but it was rather roundabout. She ranted about why there's so little gay sensitive television, films etc. in mainstream media and I joined in with asexuality, saying that I really would like to have some sort of role model that is not an eccentric genius. We ranted together for a while and then she presented me with my very own "welcome to oppression" bingo card, only half joking. That really was kinda cool.

I told another friend some time later (we sat down in a park because I asked him to) and I was blushing and stammering, but found my words eventually. He was OK with it, but I don't think he really understood me, so he was a little uncomfortable. I didn't mention it for quite some time and we got on as before. Now, I occasionally refer to it and every time I do he gets a little less uncomfortable. Maybe it's important for you to know that he, too, is gay and did know that asexuals exist due to there being two at the last CSD (though I highly suspect him not taking them seriously before).

I told my roommate over breakfast because she asked about the ring (I usually don't wear much jewelery). Still stammering and blushing a little, I explained about the distinction between sexual and romantic attraction and we got into a philosophical discussion about (sexual) identity which was really quite nice and relaxing. She was interested because she's still trying to find her place in the local S/M-Community.

I haven't told anyone else because I know they'd be far less understanding and I don't feel like being mocked right now. It's still early days for me and I'm still figuring out some stuff, so other Coming Outs happen when they happen.

Hope that was a little helpful^^

[Sleeping Beauty]

1. Can anyone else share in my ridiculousness of once not knowing that asexuality does in fact exist?

Oh yeah, I've always tried to be like the others or a lesbian too. No one ever suggested I could be asexual, in fact, I can recall some said "just not interested" but I don't know if they expected me to turn interest at some point or not.

2. If I know that my friends thought I was asexual and might be O.K. with knowing what is probably the truth, should I talk to them about it or should I wait and do a little more self discovering before bringing on a possibly embarrassing and potentially trouble making conversation?

When you are ready to tell you feel the need to tell, it's something you can no longer avoid and no matter what your line of reasoning can say you have to do it.

3. Would anyone care to share a sort of I suppose "coming out" like experience so that I can weigh it against my own scenario? =p

I come out to my family, two friend and told my best friend at the beginning of our friendship.

My first friend: we were chatting on MSN and I told her that I found AVEN and thought asexuality explained a lot of things that I couldn't explain about myself. She said that she just wants me to be happy and believed me and was my first supporter.

The second friend: we were on MSN too, I told her the same thing, she said that I'm just like the others and try to be something else for apparently no reason.

My mother said that she is like that and one of her sisters too and that I don't have to worry too much about the rest of the world and have self esteem. My brother was like "Uh, OK" and my best friend I don't know how to tell. It started with suggesting that her kept care sexually of my man for a joke (I was really embarassed) and it ended with her coming on AVEN to be involved in visibility and education :lol:

I am out to all people following me on twitter :lol:

Then I've been out to random strangers and this was a terrible choice because I bumped into big jerks.

[Ame]

Oooh. Now to this I can relate!

I was asexual from day one, and I know this because in my mind everybody was asexual. Everybody just wanted friendships, right? Hanging out and talking wth guys was it, right?

Then middle school came around...and I got confused. Everyone was dating, which I didn't get. I figured they were dating because they liked being around each other, nothing more, and that was totes cool! In fact, I "dated" someone myself for maybe a month, and all we did was hang out and hug and read books. And I thought that was the pinnacle of the thing.

Fast forward to highschool, and I realized most people were sexual, which left me with a dilemma. What the hell was I? I put on fronts whenever people asked who I "liked", because I physically had to contemplate who I would mind being with the least. I figured I was probably lesbian or something, but I really didn't feel anything. At 15 I began using the word asexual, and literally a week later I found AVEN. I think I came out almost immediately to my friends, and they all seemed totally okay with it, with a few exceptions.

I had to come out to my parents several times, and probably will several times again, because they keep saying to my face it's a phase and such...it's been 5 years now, almost 6. Hahahaha.

They said the same about paganism and that's been around the same. I dunno.

I mean my mom probably should have known when she had to explain sex to me 3 times and I was all "WHY would you hurt someone you care about like that?! BULLSHIT."

So yeah, you're not alone. If you have nobody to tell you you're different it's a little harder.

[Pandoren]

I didn't find out about asexuality until I was 20, before that I thought you had to be gay, straight or bi and after a period of confusion, since I was romantically inclined towards women, I was quite (blissfully ignorantly) happy to call myself a lesbian and it didn't occur to me until after I found AVEN that a relationship of mine would involve sex.

If you talk to someone about your asexuality, there might well be some inevitable questions, like the good old "do you masturbate??" and if they go into more depth, you may find yourself without answers and then that's a short and potentially awkward conversation. I would probably wait, unless you come out saying "you know you used to say I'm asexual, well I looked it up and I think it sounds like me but I'm doing more research into it".

I'm not out to my parents. I've little doubt that my mother would find things to blame, like my depression, or hormones, or the fact that I don't get out enough. Besides, when I came out as gay it broke her heart, I saw how crushed she was. It's just not worth doing.

[The Steph Complex]

Wow! OMG You guys have been REALLY helpful! I gotta say I <3 this community!

I think I've decided that I'm not afraid to "come out" but I'm going to wait for the occasion to arise, rather than bring it up myself.

And as far as parents are concerned I don't think they'd ever understand or even comprehend so I'll leave that one alone.

Also good to know so many people can relate to my naivete. I don't feel so bad anymore =p I've been browsing the boards and I can relate to so much stuff here! This is crazy! =D I finally feel like I have a label I feel comfortable walking around in and maybe even showing to other people. It feels right to me. I'm actually even considering getting one of these "black rings" though I need to learn more about them.

You guys are awesome! =D

[Signa]

Hi all, I've been A always. Haven't deliberately touched another human being for nearly 30 yrs but I love company. I tell everyone what I am, and proud of it to. I haven't had a bad response yet, In fact people seem to like me all the more. So as far as coming out goes, I think I did that in my early thirties when I simply admitted to my self that I am not a sexual being. What a great sense of relief that was. I told every one straight away. I've lived alone since then but have lots of friends. I love life and wouldn't sell one day for a million bucks.

[Cephei]

I joked about it with friends, but never considered it a legitimate possibility for the longest time. It honestly never occurred to me that other people might have felt the same way I do. I assumed I would find some one eventually and decided I was probably bisexual (didn't have a preference) in order to increase my odds of "finding the right one," though I have yet to be remotely invested in the pursuit of finding that person.

I consider acknowledging how you interact with people during uncomfortable moments part of self discovery. What I would do is create a mental reenactment of how you would approach it with your friends. Assume your friends would react positively. If you're still uncomfortable with talking about it with a positive reaction then you're probably not ready. That being said... I rarely talk about it with people because no one tries to set me up with anyone at this point and it shouldn't make a difference. I tell people that I go on dates with because it's an important factor in the relationship and a few people I'm close to, but that's about it.

The few people I have openly talked about it (my room mate, best friend, and younger sister) had pretty supportive reactions. When I "outed myself" to my best friend she told me that when I joked about it years ago she thought "well that makes sense," accepted it as truth, and didn't give it a thought since. My little sister was mildly confused/concerned at the idea, but we talked for a while and that was that for the time being although I'm sure we'll have the talk again later.

The biggest reaction I had was from my room mate who I'd know for about 6 years at the time. She is bi, has been an ally since high school, and speaks on a panel about sexuality at her university. It came up while we were watching a documentary about bisexuality in america that I recorded for her for s&g. She was really really curious, asked all kinds of questions and was mildly offended that she didn't know my first kiss was from a girl. She acknowledged that because it is important for her and her relationships (all of which have been long term) she didn't understand how I could not need or want sexual intimacy, but she did see that it made sense for me now that I was talking about it.

I am terrified about telling my mother.