Hubby of an asexual woman

April 21, 2003

After stumbling through websites upon websites of sexual dysfunctions and how to cure them, I have finally discovered where my wife fits now.

You see, my wife and I have been married for nearly 2 years now. We never had sex before marraige, and we have one child. I can count on 1 hand the times we've ever had sex since we've been married, and every time it's been my instigating it, and never once has my wife ever acted even slightly sexually attracted to me.

I myself am a very sexual person, and have always thought of sex as a fun thing between 2 people who respect and love each other, while my wife feels that love is all it takes for a marrage, and sex is only to have babies.

Now, my wife says that she enjoys sex, and wants to work on it, but, it never goes beyond just talk.

I'm at a crossroad here.... I love my wife, I truley do, but, I can't live without a sex life. Do I continue on feeling depressed sexually, and letting it keep boiling up and up until she "gives in" this month, or do I need to find a different person to spend the rest of my life with that's more "sexually compatible" with me? I have never cheated on my wife, and nor do I have any intentions, but, this is really aggrevating, and is really starting to make me question whether I want to stay in a marrage with her.

What do I do???

April 22, 2003

First of all, advice this forum to your wife. Asks her if she fits into the descriptions, so you can be sure if she's asexual.

Then, go ask for yourself: what's more important, having a close family, a wife who loves you and you love her, or some sexual pleasure?

If you can't choose, talk to her. Ask her how she feels about it and, if she isn't too emotionally, ask her what she would think if you might 'cheat' on her on a legal way - if she understands you, your feelings and your need to have sex.

Maybe you cane compare it to a marriage with last for about ten years and then the man discovers he's gay - it happens that the woman accepts it her man's going out every weekend and flirting with another male person. Compare your situation to this.

If she doesn't accept it anyway, you should really try to wort out your priorities.

Take Care!

April 30, 2003

Sex is a very important part of the relationship. Marrage includes sex; not the "man gets off any time he wants" sex, but, the sex where both partners are so trusting of each other so as to express their sexual urges and desires with each other with no shame or boundaries, and not suppress them as they have in the past with undertones of sex being "dirty". Sex is a large part of marrage, both physically and emotionally, and in my opinion, if you're not comfortable with having a physical relationship with someone, why marry them? Basicly, if you marry someone asexual who has not interest in you physically, you've married nothing more than a good friend and roomate, and sooner or later the person who isn't interested in sex is going to see that his/her partner is going to find it elsewhere. Sex is a natural urge given to us by nature, and if you can't or aren't willing to use it both for pleasure and reproduction, good luck in having a happy marrage.

If she isn't interested in sex, and has no desire to work on it, then you'll be much happier with someone else. Sex is a normal priority of marrage.

April 30, 2003

Sex is a natural urge given to us by nature, and if you can't or aren't willing to use it both for pleasure and reproduction, good luck in having a happy marrage.

Pleasure and reproduction? So childfree couples automatically have crappy marriages?

--Inkburrow, childfree and cranky

Oh, okay. I'll contribute something to this thread besides pedantic snarking. My first instinct is to tell the original poster to stop being so controlled by his baser urges and get the hell over it, but I suppose that would reflect badly on the board as a whole, so I'll try to be more helpful.

First anonymous guy, what stuck out at me is the fact that your wife says she enjoys sex, but doesn't actually seem to. This hints at some sort of problem: possibly she's in denial about either her orientation or a sexual dysfunction she has, possibly you've been badgering her enough about it that she lies to get you off her back, possibly she doesn't feel comfortable enough around you to admit that she's not interested in sex, perhaps it's a combination of these. Either way, it's not good, and I wonder if it would be fruitful to try to root out the cause of the disparity between her actions and words. If she doesn't really feel comfortable with you, for example, that could be why she's not eager for sex.

On the other hand, you two may just have very different world views when it comes to sex.

I'd suggest polyamory -- because I do think that that's a very good setup for when sexuals and asexuals are involved romantically -- but if your wife thinks that sex is only for babies, I doubt that would go over well with her.

May 1, 2003

So childfree couples automatically have crappy marriages?

Sorry, that's not what I meant to bring across. I meant to say that if one of the couple isn't willing to work towards a happy sex life with his/her partner, good luck with having a happy marraige.

My first instinct is to tell the original poster to stop being so controlled by his baser urges and get the hell over it, but I suppose that would reflect badly on the board as a whole, so I'll try to be more helpful

Since you've already said it, I'll go ahead and respond to it. I think the original poster is trying to act upon natural and normal urges to enjoy sex with his wife.

Let me clarify something here before I go any further. I am not asexual, myself. The whole reason I came to this board is that a friend of mine is having the same problems as the original poster, just with some twists. I came across this board, and enjoy reading the posts. I believe that there are people out there who for some physical reason, just do not have any interest in sex, and if they are happy and content with that, then great for them; they've found their happy spot just as everyone should, and I have absolutly no negative feelings what so ever about that group of people.

But, to tell someone to ignore their basic urges and get the hell over it, is going a bit far.

I don't know the background of the original poster, but, I'd like to know what you'd tell a couple who believes that sex is only for marraige, and waits until they are married until they have sex. Then, one of the couple tells the other one "oh, by the way, I have no interest in sex, and I am completely happy with it, and don't have any want to change it" (maybe not in these words exactly, but, in a way that brings across that point). The other person in that marraige is now in a life-long relationship thinking that his/her urgers are wrong, and they begin to feel bad about it, thinking there is something wrong with themself since they want sex, but the other doesn't.

In that situation I just described, I honestly don't have a good answer as to how to fix it, but, the wrong way to approach it is to make the person with the normal urges think that it's "his/her fault". I myself am a very christian person, and feel about sex the way that the bible tells us to. Sex is wrong outside of marrage.

But, sex is something that God gave a married man and woman to have and enjoy with the limit being only the couple's imagination. Basicly, sex outside of marraige=bad, but, once you're married, God doesn't care if the both of you go at it like rabbits in every position possibly known to man. God gave sex to married couples as a way to be closer to each other, to become "one" during the act of sex, and that the man gives himself to the woman, and the woman gives himself to the man.

I do agree with you on one thing. I do also believe the the original poster's wife is lying to him by telling him that she enjoys sex. It's apparant she doesn't, and doesn't seem to want to even work on it, or he would've never posted here in the first place. I think there is a mental block in her mind about sex (probably given to her by her parents always telling her "sex is dirty, men are filthy") that is keeping her mentally from being able to enjoy sex and see that her sexuality is something to be explored, and not sealed up in a jar to be put into the basement for the rest of her life, only to be brought up and opened when she feels the need for a baby.

My opinion is that if the original poster is trying to enjoy sex with his wife in a normal and healthy way, but there is no hope that his wife is willing to overcome her mental block, then the marraige is doomed to fail. NOT because she's unwilling to have sex with her husband. For the simple fact that she's not willing to trust her husband with what she's feeling and going through. If she can't trust him with everything in her life, that defeats the purpose of marraige. If both of the couples decide that sex isn't important, but love and trust are, then they will probably spend the rest of their lives together, and very happily at that. But, if one is unwilling to put the amount of trust that sex requires, even within the 2 years that he says they have been married, then there is no trust for the relationship, there is no true love for the relationship, and there is no true relationship, and the original poster needs to wake up, and think about if he wants to spend the rest of his life raising a child with a partner that doesn't trust him. If I were in his position, I'd hand an ultimatum to her of "either trust in me, or I need to find someone in life who does". If she starts to work on trust and sexuality, then the problem is solved, and they can be a truly happy couple. If she refuses, then he needs to end the marraige, and find a mate that can trust him, and help maintain a healthy relationship for the rest of their lives.

May 6, 2003

I just háve to reply about the 'God gave us sex-thing' you said, anonymous.

I'm an asexual, but I can't really accept it. I know there's now way it'll ever change, but I can't live with not willing sex in this society.

So, what i wanted to say (it makes me feel depressed, you know), then God might just not have 'wanted' us some way, because he didn't gave us sex to enjoy. Would it be because God just hates us, or should we have another talented gift? Can't imagine that.

So we're just the outcast? Nice to know. :(

May 6, 2003

(grins) Well, that explains everything for Christians! Now, what about us athiests, eh?

May 7, 2003

My opinion is that if the original poster is trying to enjoy sex with his wife in a normal and healthy way, but there is no hope that his wife is willing to overcome her mental block, then the marraige is doomed to fail. NOT because she's unwilling to have sex with her husband. For the simple fact that she's not willing to trust her husband with what she's feeling and going through. If she can't trust him with everything in her life, that defeats the purpose of marraige.

If one is unwilling to put the amount of trust that sex requires, even within the 2 years that he says they have been married, then there is no trust for the relationship, there is no true love for the relationship, and there is no true relationship, and the original poster needs to wake up, and think about if he wants to spend the rest of his life raising a child with a partner that doesn't trust him. If I were in his position, I'd hand an ultimatum to her of "either trust in me, or I need to find someone in life who does". If she starts to work on trust and sexuality, then the problem is solved, and they can be a truly happy couple. If she refuses, then he needs to end the marraige, and find a mate that can trust him, and help maintain a healthy relationship for the rest of their lives.

Pardon my french here, but as a person who identified as sexual for pretty much all of my life until last year (age 24) and having been in countless sexual relationships where I've been accused of not trusting, not giving chances, and even had people cheat on me and attempt to morally justify it with my lack of desire to have sex, I think this is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever read, and actually sounds dangerous as well. If you want her to hate herself, yeah, sure, do all the above. I did for a good two years. It was out of that that I found my true identity, but those self-esteem issues are still there. i keep feeling the need to *justify* myself when really I don't need to, I am just me and people who claim to love me should be able to live with that. If they can't, they have a problem and should deal with it - either in their selection of a suitable partner for themselves, or just accepting that their partner and themselves have some important differences that can't simply be bridged by expecting the other person to be like everyone else.

The whole "sex is trust" bit is about as credible too. I know plenty of people that have no problems with having sex with just about everybody that comes their way (I know one that openly admits he slept with 400 partners in a given year). Similarly, I deeply trust many people, but I think sex would actually ruin that. It has in the past. Functioning on this whole notion that sex is the completion of a happy relationship is one of a few key reasons why society is so dysfunctional today, and I'm so over such notions. If you force a person to have sex by holding threats over their head that you'll leave them if they won't, that's tantamount to rape - emotional rape, perhaps, rather than its more violent cousin, but still just as damaging and scarring.

May 8, 2003

(cheers wildly) You go, chaos!!! You go!!! :D WOOHOO!!!!

May 8, 2003

I totally agree with Chaos and Katherine.

For those who believe in God-how can you say the such an entity with all encompassing powers would create beings that he considers mistakes, mishaps in the ultimate plan? If there is a God then are we not all His creation as well? Please stop being so narrowminded.

And for those who do not believe in such a creator- there might be no intent or telos in nature but nature favors diversity. Think about mutation for instance. Who is to say that nature does not create asexual humans? Maybe we never existed and certain physical mutations led to our emergence or we always existed but are just beginning to come out of the shadows after centuries. Think about being an asexual woman in the Middle Ages- and imagine all the disastrous consequences... Would you dare to come our into the open in those days? Then even after the Enlightenment it would still not be possible partly because it is so hard to change minds and partly because the technology necessary to bring all of us together is a recent development.

May 8, 2003

We're all mutants? :shock: Kick . . . ass . . .

I want to be Mystique hehe.

May 9, 2003

Oh yeah- sounds kinda nice and fits in:)

Actually we also agreed with a friend that Mystique's powers are the ones to have since she gains the powers of any mutant she transforms into :lol:

May 14, 2003

wow... that's just... hmmm... so taken out of context....

I try to defend someone who is sexual, and is unhappy because his wife isn't, and everyone gets angry at the person who is sexual, and making it out like he is a bad person.

What has made him a bad person? The fact that he likes sex, and has the desire? What do you think he's going through thinking that his wife considers him unattractive and boring since he sparks no sexual activity in her? The sexual drive is a strong one, and it is given to us by nature. If you don't have it, fine, but, don't complain because someone else does. I don't like rap music, but, it doesn't mean I think it should be abolished.

My theory is that asexuality and homosexuality have more in common than people think. Since we can't speak of religion in here without the athiests getting upset, and can't speak of atheism withouth the christians getting upset, let's look at mother nature. She knows her earth is getting over populated. She knows how to control us, so, she starts allowing some hormones to be produced, and some suppressed during some people's life cycle. When someone says they were "born" homosexual, I actually believe them. I think mother nature is trying to choke down the amount of reproduction in the human species, and what better way to do it than to go right for the cause of it; sexual activity. Why not make two men attracted to each other, or two women attracted to each other? That sure keeps 4 people right there from reproducing. Why not also keep the hormones way down that spurs sexual activity? This would cause a complete lack of sex drive in some people, thus keeping reproduction down as well.

And, I'd like to skip back to religion right quick. Do you think that preists and nuns are mistake, betterunborn? They are required by God NOT to partake in sexual activity, and remain abstinant. Just because this entity with all encompassing powers decides to make something a bit different than the others, doesn't mean it's bad. The mistakes that you see, may be different in it's eyes. I would hate to think that you consider a child with downs to be a mistake, or a child born blind, or any deformaty. There was a reason for those things to occur, just as you were born without a sex drive.

And just how is saying "becuase we disagree so much on this particular thing, it's ruining our marraige" raping someone? If my wife and I disagreed on what color the kitched should be painted, and I told her that I wouldn't paint the kitchen at all if she wanted it pea green, then you're saying I am mentally raping her? I would refuse to paint the kitchen pea green, and be done with it.

But, kitchen color and sex are 2 different things. A sexual drive is a powerful thing, and to someone with a sexual drive, it does become part of a new relationship during marraige.

I don't think you people are seeing that I am agreeing with you. If you were to marry someone who was constantly begging you for sex, and it was starting to put a strain on your marraige, and you knew the other person wasn't going to change, and you yourself weren't going to change, wouldn't you consider being in a relationship with someone else that you were more compatible with? Sexuality has no gray area; either you have a sex drive, or you don't.

That's all I'm saying in this sense. If his wife is not willing to work on her sexual issues, or if she has none at all, and is asexual and just doesn't want or like to have sex, than it does become a large issue for the husband who does have a strong sex drive. It will happen, no matter what he says; he will cheat on her. That will cause worse problems, and an even nastier divorce later on down the road. The worst part about this whole situation, is that there is a child involved. That poor kid is going to grow up so confused as to whether sex is right or wrong because dad looks at it positive, and mom looks at it negative. There is no doubt that that child will have mental sex issues his/herself.

I honestly don't care if someone is hetero, homo, or asexual. Just realize that you will not be able to live happily and sexually crossing between any of those 3 states; it can't happen. If a hetero marries a hetero, it will sexuall work. If a homo marries a homo, it will work. If an asexual marries an asexual, it will work. But, you marry a hetero and a homo, or a heteror or homo with an asexual, and you will have problems. There will be sex searched for outside of the marraige, and it will ruin the marraige.

If you don't believe me, go find me an example of a couple that's been married for 20 years and one has always had a sex drive, and the other one has not, or has not had a sexual interest in her partner. You'll be searching a long time for that one.

My whole point is to marry for life someone you are compatible with. There are some things that are a large enough of an issue to cause a marraige to fail, and the 2 big ones are money and sex. I didn't make it this way. You didn't make it this way. It just is, and will be for years and years to come, and nothing that you and I do will ever change it. So instead of fighting it, and calling someone with or without a sexual drive a mutant, or a mistake, learn to live with the fact that you're a part of nature's plan, not a mistake, and find someone who can live with you and provide you with a happy "rest of your life".

May 14, 2003

I just háve to reply about the 'God gave us sex-thing' you said, anonymous.
I'm an asexual, but I can't really accept it. I know there's now way it'll ever change, but I can't live with not willing sex in this society.

So, what i wanted to say (it makes me feel depressed, you know), then God might just not have 'wanted' us some way, because he didn't gave us sex to enjoy. Would it be because God just hates us, or should we have another talented gift? Can't imagine that.

So we're just the outcast? Nice to know. :(

I still feel guilty, even today that I'm not sexual like other people, but i was born this way, I know this through my experiences. i've felt very depressed because people naturally see a person as a sexual being. 6 years ago, i begun to see past putting a brave smile on, i felt it's time to ask for a relationship of companionship and love, i felt very poignant to do so, and it took much courage and heartache. I've met some truly lovely people, knowing that they need sexual love deeply affects my hearts affection.

I felt extremely guilty for acting selfish, but i needed to feel confident for the first time, i remember my feelings so clearly, i was scared, once i'd asked, i didn't know how to be me... for the first time, we held hands, and i felt happy, my partner did say yes, but with reluctance, i felt no strong sense of reassurance, though i'm usually positive.

keep your hopes high, there is somebody out there for you

i thought to make a website like this 2 years ago, though it wasn't practical at the time (i needed a little more stability in myself). i'm thrilled to not be alone any longer, but it's a long road to knowing who you are. the confusion of not feeling physically attracted to either gender is confusing,

when fate take's it's course, and you look back over your life, you'll see patterns emerge.

May 14, 2003

wow... that's just... hmmm... so taken out of context....
I try to defend someone who is sexual, and is unhappy because his wife isn't, and everyone gets angry at the person who is sexual, and making it out like he is a bad person.

I don't think anyone was - he came to us in all earnestness, and we're a pretty open-minded group and respect differences in people. the reason people got angry was at you, not at him - oddly enough - because of your suggestion that she, possibly an asexual person, should force herself to be sexual simply because her husband expected it of her. its a stance you'd expect to read in a 1700s novel. thankfully, most of society has moved on past that. I believe your turn of phrase was "willing to work on her sexual issues" - to quote a comparative example, the so-called "ex-gay" movement as you would know has been a dismal failure in "converting" gay people into str8 people - so why would asexuals be any different in that sense?

oddly enough, you do seem to be informed/intelligent though, as the following quote would indicate. it reflects a stance I've taken myself to others sometimes...

She knows her earth is getting over populated. She knows how to control us, so, she starts allowing some hormones to be produced, and some suppressed during some people's life cycle. When someone says they were "born" homosexual, I actually believe them. I think mother nature is trying to choke down the amount of reproduction in the human species, and what better way to do it than to go right for the cause of it; sexual activity. Why not make two men attracted to each other, or two women attracted to each other? That sure keeps 4 people right there from reproducing. Why not also keep the hormones way down that spurs sexual activity? This would cause a complete lack of sex drive in some people, thus keeping reproduction down as well.

May 14, 2003

I would hate to think that you consider a child with downs to be a mistake, or a child born blind, or any deformaty.

The blind kids are safe because they have Daredevil in their corner. The kids with mental illnesses however, do not have a superhero or important person to back them up.

Asexuals aren't mutants . . . I'm still waiting for my powers :(

May 15, 2003

Mutant powers would ROCK!! But I guess asexuals wouldn't fit in too well with the whole X-Men thing...

----------

Cyclops: I can shoot lasers from my eyes!!

Storm: I can make a lightning storm!!

Wolverine: I can heal myself even if I take a bullet between the eyes!!

Me: I don't experience sexual attraction!!

(everybody looks at her oddly)

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:shock: Er... *heh* Y'know.

As for that other stuff - I'm an athiest, yep, but I don't get mad when people talk about Christianity. I was just laughing because explaining something to me in a "God wills it, and hence, it is so" way has about the same effect as telling me, "Your teeth fall out because the tooth fairy needs them for her castle" :D

And the sexual guy? Nobody said he was bad! He just made kind of a rotten mistake, marrying somebody who wasn't interested in sex. I mean, I'm not super-smart or anything, but I think that's a sign of really bad communication.

I know that some people never have sex before marriage, and so he might not have known. BUT, maybe she should have told him about her disinterest in sex before they got married? Why wouldn't she do that? Maybe they weren't very comfortable around eachother? In which case, they REALLY shouldn't have gotten married, but it's too late to worry about that now, I guess.

So, what to do about it? Well, if you really want to take advice from an 18 year old girl who's never even DATED, here's what I think (grins)

Divorce!! Divorce!! Do it while you're still young!! You can only "work" on a marriage for so long, because eventually both or one of you will realize, "Hey!! Life is short!! What am I doing, compromising my happiness so I can be stuck with somebody I don't even like that much?!"

I mean, most people who eventually get divorced have "worked" on their marriage for years. Then when they DO get divorced, they're in their late 50s and they wasted their youth trying to be somebody they weren't, for somebody they never even liked all that much :cry:

What's the alternative? Well! You could "work" on the marriage for the rest of your days, yeah. Which... well... isn't a pretty thought, because trying to change a person's basic nature (either yourself or your spouse or both) will only make you look like hell and feel worse :P

Okay, so my view isn't a popular one!! Big deal!! But if everybody else is throwing in their opinions, I figured I might as well, too

May 15, 2003