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Philosophical question... are we *meant* to be alone? maybe some of us aren't made for two.


vogue

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Ace of Swords

He's right, I tried to be aromantic... I was only fooling myself. It was a joke of make believe. Romantics are happier in a relationship. I have a cat... he does not replace human huggles.

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i have never thought anything in life "is meant to be" i have been single all my life and generally a shy albeit polite and kind chap, although i have formed very close friendships with women in the past but i didn't act because of my asexuality and such

im fully aware i could be alone/single for the rest of my life and it doesn't bother me often but nor does the desire or thought that i must find someone, i will talk to people on this forum and go about my life in as good and honest way i can and should i meet someone and connect in that special way then i will be grateful to whatever force or power made it so

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I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )

Well, I'm an aromantic. Perhaps that has something to do with my opinion, but for me it seems that some romantic people could do with a bit more independence so they wouldn't feel so left out or unhappy if not engaged in a relationship. Sure, a relationship can be fulfilling and nice etc. for anyone, whether aromantic or romantic, but the lack of a relationship shouldn't be, in my opinion, a source of unhappyness for anyone.

No, I won't tell you to get a cat, but maybe value your own company a bit more? :D

Well, the very simple truth of it is that romantics are simply happier being in a relationship. It's what separates them from aromantics. Can a sexual switch orientation of their own volition? No. The same goes for the romantic/aromantic axis; we can't just decide to be aromantic, though, believe me, sometimes I wish I could.

I'm sure that a romantic person can be more happy when in a relationship (as opposed to not being in one), but for a romantic, does the pursuit of a relationship have to be so obsessive? That is, does being a partner to someone have to be such a huge part of your identity and sense of self-worth? In your opinion, is this an innate view of every romantic person?

Believe me, I'm trying very hard to see the matter from your perspective :)

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Nalle Neversure

vogue I really can't understand why you are unable to find out a boyfriend. if you are really attractive, you should not have any problem. even kids know that physical attractiveness is "the key". :wacko:

Damn. I might as well kill myself lol...........

Just because someone doesn't understand you doensn't mean thre's something wrong with you.

Would you want a bf that was with you only because you were attractive and didn't care about any of the things you see as important parts of your personality (I am attractive, thin, athletic, educated, studying in law school, kind, involved with charity and sports, like you said)?

Could it be possible that you want (without realising it?) the bf to value those things and that might have an effect on how you see the potential partners?

*rambling my thoughts here*

:cake:

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vogue I really can't understand why you are unable to find out a boyfriend. if you are really attractive, you should not have any problem. even kids know that physical attractiveness is "the key". :wacko:

Damn. I might as well kill myself lol...........

Just because someone doesn't understand you doensn't mean thre's something wrong with you.

Would you want a bf that was with you only because you were attractive and didn't care about any of the things you see as important parts of your personality (I am attractive, thin, athletic, educated, studying in law school, kind, involved with charity and sports, like you said)?

Could it be possible that you want (without realising it?) the bf to value those things and that might have an effect on how you see the potential partners?

*rambling my thoughts here*

:cake:

Yes, this is probably true actually... I had 2 guys ask me for sex just yesterday and declined both. They also said I should ask guys out, as they are likely too scared to ask me out..I don't understand why so many guys are supposedly intimidated by me...but I can't just have sex with guys I feel NO attraction to at all. and since most guys are not attractive to me, i think this is where the problem lies...and those I *do* find attractive are no doubt already attached.

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some men are intimidated by beautiful women. I don't know why. maybe they think they're not at the same "level" of beauty

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I had 2 guys ask me for sex just yesterday and declined both. They also said I should ask guys out, as they are likely too scared to ask me out..I don't understand why so many guys are supposedly intimidated by me...but I can't just have sex with guys I feel NO attraction to at all. and since most guys are not attractive to me, i think this is where the problem lies...and those I *do* find attractive are no doubt already attached.

It's a bit of a hoot that two guys ask you for sex, and then tell you guys are too scared to ask you out. But they're not apparently too scared to ask you for sex. Those probably aren't the kind of guys that are good relationship material, nor do they seem to be good counselors.

Don't believe the "you're attractive so why don't you have a relationship" BS -- that's both awful and silly to say to someone. That's not exactly good counseling/advice either; it's just insulting.

The only thing that I can see that's really true is that if someone feels that they're being pursued not because of themselves but because someone simply wants to try them out for a relationship, they're not going to feel complimented.

Sexuals, believe it or not, are saying these exact things to each other. "Why can't I find someone? Am I going to be alone forever?" There is no answer to those questions. People don't appear just because you need them so, whether you're sexual or asexual. It is truly a crap shoot; all you can do is try to be open -- not demanding -- but open to something happening.

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i think this is where the problem lies...and those I *do* find attractive are no doubt already attached.

I have this problem. I figured out that being wanted repulses me so the only people I'm comfortable with the idea of sex with are people who would never, ever, ever want me that way in a billion years because I'd never have to actually find out what would happen.

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I wake up every morning and think 'I am alone, what a relief'. How peaceful and serene it is. My head is clear, my feelings are in balance, my day is whatever I choose it to be and I am truely complete.

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I think some people just aren't compatible with the rest of the world. My mom and I have both spent many years trying to make friends, but to make a long story short, it's never worked out. We've learned to accept that we just aren't meant to have any friends except each other.

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I think some people just aren't compatible with the rest of the world. My mom and I have both spent many years trying to make friends, but to make a long story short, it's never worked out. We've learned to accept that we just aren't meant to have any friends except each other.

I agree :)

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I had 2 guys ask me for sex just yesterday and declined both. They also said I should ask guys out, as they are likely too scared to ask me out..I don't understand why so many guys are supposedly intimidated by me...but I can't just have sex with guys I feel NO attraction to at all. and since most guys are not attractive to me, i think this is where the problem lies...and those I *do* find attractive are no doubt already attached.

It's a bit of a hoot that two guys ask you for sex, and then tell you guys are too scared to ask you out. But they're not apparently too scared to ask you for sex. Those probably aren't the kind of guys that are good relationship material, nor do they seem to be good counselors.

Don't believe the "you're attractive so why don't you have a relationship" BS -- that's both awful and silly to say to someone. That's not exactly good counseling/advice either; it's just insulting.

The only thing that I can see that's really true is that if someone feels that they're being pursued not because of themselves but because someone simply wants to try them out for a relationship, they're not going to feel complimented.

Sexuals, believe it or not, are saying these exact things to each other. "Why can't I find someone? Am I going to be alone forever?" There is no answer to those questions. People don't appear just because you need them so, whether you're sexual or asexual. It is truly a crap shoot; all you can do is try to be open -- not demanding -- but open to something happening.

Thanks for your message, I think you're right about this... I do find it hurtful when people tell me "oh you're attractive, why can't you find a boyfriend? it must be SO EASY" umm yeah RIGHT... if it were SO EASY, I wouldn't be single for the last 5 years :redface: I mean, maybe for MOST people in society it's easy.. but I'm not like 'most people' in society in terms of personality, I suppose, and morals/views, so it's difficult. I'm not just after sex and am somewhat perfectionistic in reaching goals and expectations...

But that said, yes, I suppose it is easier for me to find casual sex if I wanted - last night was proof of that. However, as I'm still a virgin, I think i feel uncomfortable with just losing my virginity to someone I'm not attracted to, and someone I'm not in a relationship with. I think this makes it SIGNIFICANTLY harder for me to find someone as well. If I weren't a virgin, it'd be so much easier... :redface:

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vogue love isn't necessary to be happy.

seriously love is a romantic fiction....so you don't need it to be full of happiness ;)

Following up on this comment, the times I have been most unhappy, despite other things in my life going swell, were the times I was in love. Being in love is great at first but it, in all of my experiences, became a long term cause of exasperation in my life.

Don't get me wrong, to truly love another human being is wonderful, especially when it is close to unconditional, but being stuck on someone you are in love with can result in an incredible amount of frustration, mutual hurt, and a lowering of self-esteem when so much precious time and energy is channeled into a futile cause.

Though I can't say how it is where two people are in love and get together, stay together, and also live their own lives.

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The7thsage: are you talking about times when you have loved another, but that person didn't love you back, or love you as much as you loved them?

Or were you in a relationship with these people? I have actually never been in love BUT understand what you mean if the former...I have *really* fallen for men in the past, perhaps more lust than love, incredible intense chemistry...at one point with a guy I met for coffee, I almost blacked out I was so dizzy from the experience and wasn't even drinking, it was almost surreal...can't explain it, but it's been shown in movies before, similar experiences with intense emotional connections after war times, etc.

Anyway...despite that, I've had these guys not ask me out, screw with my mind or just ignore me after..some had girlfriends so I can understand, but the amount of hurt I experienced really turned me off dating for some time. I find it difficult to trust guys too, be because I feel slightly deceived and let down. Love or lust isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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I think i feel uncomfortable with just losing my virginity to someone I'm not attracted to, and someone I'm not in a relationship with. I think this makes it SIGNIFICANTLY harder for me to find someone as well. If I weren't a virgin, it'd be so much easier... :redface:

Not really. Just having had sex with someone doesn't mean it's going to be easy to either have a relationship in the future, or to be attracted to someone. Having sex is a physical act; it doesn't change who you are or what you want. It's really not a life-changing event.

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Sally, but then you don't have to go through the whole 'i'm a virgin' spiel with any guy you want to sleep with and have them freak out or be taken aback by it. It's usually literally a 30 mins conversation with them grilling me/questioning why I'm still a virgin, I suppose in some way an effort to deduce my sanity.

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The7thsage: are you talking about times when you have loved another, but that person didn't love you back, or love you as much as you loved them?

Or were you in a relationship with these people? I have actually never been in love BUT understand what you mean if the former...I have *really* fallen for men in the past, perhaps more lust than love, incredible intense chemistry...at one point with a guy I met for coffee, I almost blacked out I was so dizzy from the experience and wasn't even drinking, it was almost surreal...can't explain it, but it's been shown in movies before, similar experiences with intense emotional connections after war times, etc.

Anyway...despite that, I've had these guys not ask me out, screw with my mind or just ignore me after..some had girlfriends so I can understand, but the amount of hurt I experienced really turned me off dating for some time. I find it difficult to trust guys too, be because I feel slightly deceived and let down. Love or lust isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I can think of three cases where I was basing my post off of and one I am positive loved me back big time, another I am basically convinced returned my feelings, and the other I merely operate on pure hunch that he liked me back.

So more likely than not all of them returned my feelings on some romantic level and we were not in any romantic relationship fortunately/unfortunately. Actually, if I felt that the romantic attraction was on my side only, letting go would have been quicker, easier, and less painful.

The thing is I never bother to tell the other person about my feelings and at least one didn't have the guts to tell me to my face and thought I could figure it out (but I was clueless that anyone could love me, so...) and the other hinted at it but after I got personally fed up for certain reasons.

But even if we had expressed mutual attraction and hooked up, it probably would have gone down hill anyways for various reasons and probably would have equated to even greater heartache and frustration.

And yeah, trust...is a tough thing. Usually these screw ups boil down to trust violation. Heh.

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WhenSummersGone

I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

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I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

I experience romantic attraction too... but figured I wasn't mean to be in a relationship or married because it's so rare for me to ever be in one. I'm almost always single... :(

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I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

I experience romantic attraction too... but figured I wasn't mean to be in a relationship or married because it's so rare for me to ever be in one. I'm almost always single... :(

Have you thought about what has made these relationships fail? Maybe it's not "destiny" but something that is repeating again and keeping you from succeding in finding a good partner.

Regarding the original question I think that we're never meant to be something we don't want to be. If you want to be alone, then you'll be alone and be happy with it. It's meant to be for you because you decided it. If you want to be with someone and you're not able to, there must be something keeping you from it, consciously or subconsciously.

I don't think we're meant to be alone if we want to be with someone else unless we're keeping ourselves from it without meaning to or noticing it. It's not easy to open up to other people and it's not easy to try and find a romantic partner when you're scared of or worried about sex coming into the picture so maybe those fears get us away from people? Who knows.

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I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

I experience romantic attraction too... but figured I wasn't mean to be in a relationship or married because it's so rare for me to ever be in one. I'm almost always single... :(

Have you thought about what has made these relationships fail? Maybe it's not "destiny" but something that is repeating again and keeping you from succeding in finding a good partner.

Regarding the original question I think that we're never meant to be something we don't want to be. If you want to be alone, then you'll be alone and be happy with it. It's meant to be for you because you decided it. If you want to be with someone and you're not able to, there must be something keeping you from it, consciously or subconsciously.

I don't think we're meant to be alone if we want to be with someone else unless we're keeping ourselves from it without meaning to or noticing it. It's not easy to open up to other people and it's not easy to try and find a romantic partner when you're scared of or worried about sex coming into the picture so maybe those fears get us away from people? Who knows.

Maybe there is something keeping me from it... i feel so defective in all area of life, but can't really pinpoint anything specifically for what's keeping me from people. I just feel different from 99% of people on this planet, but don't know why. I just don't jive with most of them. Maybe I should move countries/continents/planets. :(

EDIT: I think I may know what it is actually. Deep down, I am quite insecure and feel pressured by society. I play up trying to be 'independent' and confident in my own skin, but when I get close to someone, my insecurities may start to show. i was just dealing with a photographer who photographed me (I'm starting fashion modelling) and he showed me a pic of myself... and I FLIPPED OUT. I was criticizing myself like "how can this possibly be my BEST PICTURE, DANIEL?? honestly, if you show this pic to any straight guy, he will say "wow, what an ugly model' or 'that's not a great, flattering photo of her', I mean what were you thinkingg??'

He responded that he thinks i'm attractive and need to develop more self-confidence... the bad thing is that I am actually *really* attracted to this photographer and would date him, but he likely wouldn't date me, knowing I'm insecure (but then again.. what models aren't insecure?) ALSO, he actually has a girlfriend so I wasn't caring too much about how I presented myself... but talking about my insecurities with men is probably the #1 thing to turn him off, I'd imagine, even if she is attractive... :(

I'm not sure if my insecurities or lack of self-confidence comes through though. Sometimes I may appear shy or quiet, but that's moreso due to my introverted personality rather than lack of confidence...

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What's a human which is completely isolated from other humans? Maybe someone in a forest, hunting for sustainment. Raised by, say, wolves (they can't be raised by humans because that would instill some sort of culture and relations, negating being completely isolated from other humans). It seems as absurd as an ant living without other ants.

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What's a human which is completely isolated from other humans? Maybe someone in a forest, hunting for sustainment. Raised by, say, wolves (they can't be raised by humans because that would instill some sort of culture and relations, negating being completely isolated from other humans). It seems as absurd as an ant living without other ants.

I'm not talking about "complete isolation".. I'm talking about someone who is single all their life... they may adopt kids, have friends/family, or fleeting relationships to save them from loneliness if it so occurs.

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I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )

Well, I'm an aromantic. Perhaps that has something to do with my opinion, but for me it seems that some romantic people could do with a bit more independence so they wouldn't feel so left out or unhappy if not engaged in a relationship. Sure, a relationship can be fulfilling and nice etc. for anyone, whether aromantic or romantic, but the lack of a relationship shouldn't be, in my opinion, a source of unhappyness for anyone.

No, I won't tell you to get a cat, but maybe value your own company a bit more? :D

Well, the very simple truth of it is that romantics are simply happier being in a relationship. It's what separates them from aromantics. Can a sexual switch orientation of their own volition? No. The same goes for the romantic/aromantic axis; we can't just decide to be aromantic, though, believe me, sometimes I wish I could.

I'm sure that a romantic person can be more happy when in a relationship (as opposed to not being in one), but for a romantic, does the pursuit of a relationship have to be so obsessive? That is, does being a partner to someone have to be such a huge part of your identity and sense of self-worth? In your opinion, is this an innate view of every romantic person?

Believe me, I'm trying very hard to see the matter from your perspective :)

By no means should another be integral to another's identity or sense of self-worth. That travels into the realm of dependency (or even co-dependency) and is not a healthy basis for a relationship.

In theory, a well-balanced romantic could make do without a romantic partner and generally needs to be able to for at least short periods of time. However, it's kinda like an avid gamer without any gaming consoles, or someone who enjoys literature having no access to books, or an athlete who can no longer compete due to injury. Prolonged loneliness is NOT something that most romantics can adjust to readily.

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I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )

Well, I'm an aromantic. Perhaps that has something to do with my opinion, but for me it seems that some romantic people could do with a bit more independence so they wouldn't feel so left out or unhappy if not engaged in a relationship. Sure, a relationship can be fulfilling and nice etc. for anyone, whether aromantic or romantic, but the lack of a relationship shouldn't be, in my opinion, a source of unhappyness for anyone.

No, I won't tell you to get a cat, but maybe value your own company a bit more? :D

Well, the very simple truth of it is that romantics are simply happier being in a relationship. It's what separates them from aromantics. Can a sexual switch orientation of their own volition? No. The same goes for the romantic/aromantic axis; we can't just decide to be aromantic, though, believe me, sometimes I wish I could.

I'm sure that a romantic person can be more happy when in a relationship (as opposed to not being in one), but for a romantic, does the pursuit of a relationship have to be so obsessive? That is, does being a partner to someone have to be such a huge part of your identity and sense of self-worth? In your opinion, is this an innate view of every romantic person?

Believe me, I'm trying very hard to see the matter from your perspective :)

By no means should another be integral to another's identity or sense of self-worth. That travels into the realm of dependency (or even co-dependency) and is not a healthy basis for a relationship.

In theory, a well-balanced romantic could make do without a romantic partner and generally needs to be able to for at least short periods of time. However, it's kinda like an avid gamer without any gaming consoles, or someone who enjoys literature having no access to books, or an athlete who can no longer compete due to injury. Prolonged loneliness is NOT something that most romantics can adjust to readily.

I'm a romantic and adjusted fairly easily... I think it depends how independent one is, as well. My sister is a romantic and would probably kill herself over being single. She's 21 and has never been single in her life. However, one of my best friends is very independent & a great guy, and can go years without being in a relationship (same with me) and neither of us are strictly 'asexual' - we just don't feel the need to fling ourselves into relationships with people whom we don't feel any attraction.

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Maybe there is something keeping me from it... i feel so defective in all area of life, but can't really pinpoint anything specifically for what's keeping me from people. I just feel different from 99% of people on this planet, but don't know why. I just don't jive with most of them. Maybe I should move countries/continents/planets. :(

EDIT: I think I may know what it is actually. Deep down, I am quite insecure and feel pressured by society. I play up trying to be 'independent' and confident in my own skin, but when I get close to someone, my insecurities may start to show. i was just dealing with a photographer who photographed me (I'm starting fashion modelling) and he showed me a pic of myself... and I FLIPPED OUT. I was criticizing myself like "how can this possibly be my BEST PICTURE, DANIEL?? honestly, if you show this pic to any straight guy, he will say "wow, what an ugly model' or 'that's not a great, flattering photo of her', I mean what were you thinkingg??'

He responded that he thinks i'm attractive and need to develop more self-confidence... the bad thing is that I am actually *really* attracted to this photographer and would date him, but he likely wouldn't date me, knowing I'm insecure (but then again.. what models aren't insecure?) ALSO, he actually has a girlfriend so I wasn't caring too much about how I presented myself... but talking about my insecurities with men is probably the #1 thing to turn him off, I'd imagine, even if she is attractive... :(

I'm not sure if my insecurities or lack of self-confidence comes through though. Sometimes I may appear shy or quiet, but that's moreso due to my introverted personality rather than lack of confidence...

It seems rather cliche to say but we're all different, if you really felt like you're isolated you probably wouldn't even talk to people and from what I've gathered you do. Um, I'm no one to judge or tell you what you should do, but I'll give you an example: there is this friend of mine and he's 20. He's a guy who keeps telling everyone how awfully hot he thinks he is and stuff but we can tell he doesn't think so because it shows. He's tried to get a girlfriend for the past two years. It didn't work out, all girls could see his desperation seeping out like tentacles or something so now he's decided he's going to try with guys.

Now, he's so desperate for anyone to put out to him that he doesn't really care about anyone's feelings, he just cares about his own fears and insecurities, how ugly the other people will find him or how sad he'll feel when he gets rejected. I told him he needed to love himself a bit or everyone he tries going out with will reject him.

Discussing your insecurities isn't wrong but it may seem to the other person like you're fishing for compliments or like you'll never be able to survive the real world without someone holding your hand and they may find too much of a burden being that one person? I don't know, but as someone who's very independent and sort of emotionally stable, I'd feel scared of having to deal with someone else's shake emotions. Not saying that you have them, hell, I don't know you, but you should build up some confidence. That much is true.

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Thx kamikaze... I think I am feeling quite desperate, so maybe that's rubbing off. I was ALWAYS the oppoosite though but lately my fears and insecurities HAVE been creeping up on me (being alone forever; never getting married; being too old to be single..) and I haven't been handling it well :( Hopefully i'll meet the right guy soon though & then i dont have to worry about these things...

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Sally, but then you don't have to go through the whole 'i'm a virgin' spiel with any guy you want to sleep with and have them freak out or be taken aback by it. It's usually literally a 30 mins conversation with them grilling me/questioning why I'm still a virgin, I suppose in some way an effort to deduce my sanity.

You're right, that can and does happen with some guys. Possibly its because they feel that being the "first person" for someone who hasn't had sex puts them in a position of being really important, and they don't really want to be really important until they find out whether the other person is that important to them. They don't want the pressure. Perhaps it would take the pressure off them if you said "No, I've never had sex, but I don't think that's a big thing." But you'd have to feel it was not big to be convincing, and the more you tell yourself that you are meant to be single, and meant to be alone, and meant to never experience a real relationship, you'll believe it. You may be worsening your chances by that self-talk.

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Sally, but then you don't have to go through the whole 'i'm a virgin' spiel with any guy you want to sleep with and have them freak out or be taken aback by it. It's usually literally a 30 mins conversation with them grilling me/questioning why I'm still a virgin, I suppose in some way an effort to deduce my sanity.

You're right, that can and does happen with some guys. Possibly its because they feel that being the "first person" for someone who hasn't had sex puts them in a position of being really important, and they don't really want to be really important until they find out whether the other person is that important to them. They don't want the pressure. Perhaps it would take the pressure off them if you said "No, I've never had sex, but I don't think that's a big thing." But you'd have to feel it was not big to be convincing, and the more you tell yourself that you are meant to be single, and meant to be alone, and meant to never experience a real relationship, you'll believe it. You may be worsening your chances by that self-talk.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one... exactly. I tried to communicate to the guys that I really don't care about my virginity anymore, am happy to have sex & experience it, but maybe they still felt pressured. I've now learned I shouldn't get too deep in my explanation for why I waited, or be too truthful... I'm just citing 'religious reasons' from now on, as it's less complicated (I usually said I waited because the type of guys who wanted sex with me only wanted me for sex/not a relationship, and I wanted to wait until I was in a committed relationship or pure bad luck... I happened to break up with one guy before we had sex, when he left for England and another time I got sick and then broke up with him... I guess this seems too odd an explanation for most heterosexual males to be able to digest. :P -_- )

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WhenSummersGone

I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

I experience romantic attraction too... but figured I wasn't mean to be in a relationship or married because it's so rare for me to ever be in one. I'm almost always single... :(

I sometimes feel like that too but a part of me still believes that I will find someone someday

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