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Philosophical question... are we *meant* to be alone? maybe some of us aren't made for two.


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#1 vogue

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 05:07 AM

I've never been in a 'real' relationship... so it's hard to say if I prefer it. Single life is pretty much all I've known & I've just realized... maybe it's like that for a reason. maybe i'm not meant to be attached to anyone. The person would have to be highly individualistic, somewhat eccentric, low-key and not judgemental. I want someone who truly understand what it's like to be alone, vulnerable, but strong. Maybe someone who has experienced mental illness or tragedy in the past and is sympathetic to those who have gone through personal challenges themselves. It's definitely not the guy-next-door or player-type of guy. To find a guy like that is very rare.... is it realistic to say I'm meant to be alone though? Maybe there is just no one out there for me, and I'm meant to be devoted to other causes or passions?

I honestly hope not, because I don't think I'm asexual... I just don't fall for people easily & aren't attracted to 99.9% of men. I just can't figure out if it's meant to be like this for the rest of my life and if I should accept that...

#2 Fanshawe

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 07:45 AM

This is what I have thought time and time again. I've never been remotely interested in a relationship with another individual, yet it irks me that I'm currently missing out on a life experience. This may sound cliche, but I believe that it is one of those things that you can't imagine until it happens, and when it happens it may change everything. You really can't imagine what this person will be like or what your relationship will be like. The best thing IMO is to not think about it and if it happens, it happens.

#3 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 07:56 AM

i've pondered similar concepts before, though not specifically "am i meant to be alone?". more often for me, it's been things related to health, mortality, and general happiness in life, but when i'm in a more positive frame of mind, my conclusion is usually this: each person's reality is what they make it. sure, we can't control everything in life, but we can choose our own paths to a good extent. none of us are "meant" or destined for anything in particular, because the world/the universe/our existence/whatever just isn't planned out that much. who would be doing this "planning", and deciding what we're meant for? some religious folks might say 'god', but as an atheist, i don't buy that. at best, if god was real, i'm sure he'd have more important things to do than create predetermined intentions and journeys through life for each and every one of us.

in response to the specific question of whether anyone is meant to be alone, i think that there are, for sure, people who have a harder time finding someone (in terms of a romantic partner) than it seems others do, for any one (or several) of zillions of possible reasons. however, i think some people who appear to have an easy time of it are people who have fewer criteria/lower standards/a need to be in a relationship that makes them settle for something less than ideal because they believe it's better than being alone... and so on. so essentially, they might end up with something mediocre, which in my opinion is not anything worth being envious of. and some people who do have factors that prevent them from forming relationships easily, yet somehow end up finding someone who makes them incredibly happy, do so through random, unexpected circumstances... and yet others do so through a concerted effort to meet like-minded people (say, joining an organisation related to something they're passionate about).

but yeah, are we "meant" for anything? nah, i doubt it; life is just too random for that.
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#4 federica

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 08:55 AM

I want to be alone, so if the question is " am I meant to be alone?" I can say "yes and I love it" ;)

#5 Tabula Rasa

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 01:11 PM

This is what I have thought time and time again. I've never been remotely interested in a relationship with another individual, yet it irks me that I'm currently missing out on a life experience. This may sound cliche, but I believe that it is one of those things that you can't imagine until it happens, and when it happens it may change everything. You really can't imagine what this person will be like or what your relationship will be like. The best thing IMO is to not think about it and if it happens, it happens.



It's a "life experience" because society has defined it as such. Someone could say that getting a college education is a "life experience," and there are people in relationships who miss out on that. It's all about perspective.

There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent woman who makes her own way in life and still likes the companionship of men.


#6 Simona

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 01:26 PM

I want to be alone, so if the question is " am I meant to be alone?" I can say "yes and I love it" ;)


I feel the exact same way! I WANT to be alone. Im happy being alone so I think Im just meant to be alone. Ive known that for a VERY long time. Accepting it has made me happier than I ever thought I would be. :D

#7 CreepyCrawler

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 02:11 PM

Boo!

I've often felt that I'm destined to be alone, that my destiny in life requires it. I'm an atheist, but I'm not always rational. So I do somewhat believe in destiny, or at least that I'm compelled by what seems like some outside force. I'm an artist so I tend to give it more weight in my life, even though I admit that logically it's probably just a part of my own mind.

And whatever it is, it tells me that I must be alone and must find my true calling. I've always felt like a side character in an RPG...I've got my own part to play in the story, but romance isn't necessarily a part of it.
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#8 Doctor Azo

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 03:24 PM

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#9 Fanshawe

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 06:31 PM


This is what I have thought time and time again. I've never been remotely interested in a relationship with another individual, yet it irks me that I'm currently missing out on a life experience. This may sound cliche, but I believe that it is one of those things that you can't imagine until it happens, and when it happens it may change everything. You really can't imagine what this person will be like or what your relationship will be like. The best thing IMO is to not think about it and if it happens, it happens.



It's a "life experience" because society has defined it as such. Someone could say that getting a college education is a "life experience," and there are people in relationships who miss out on that. It's all about perspective.


I'm not sure about that. It's more like one of those timeless things that everyone keeps referring to as the single greatest emotional experience of their life. Looking at the science behind it, I can believe it. I know too much now to ever be able to ignore the possibility of love.

#10 vogue

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 09:15 PM



This is what I have thought time and time again. I've never been remotely interested in a relationship with another individual, yet it irks me that I'm currently missing out on a life experience. This may sound cliche, but I believe that it is one of those things that you can't imagine until it happens, and when it happens it may change everything. You really can't imagine what this person will be like or what your relationship will be like. The best thing IMO is to not think about it and if it happens, it happens.



It's a "life experience" because society has defined it as such. Someone could say that getting a college education is a "life experience," and there are people in relationships who miss out on that. It's all about perspective.


I'm not sure about that. It's more like one of those timeless things that everyone keeps referring to as the single greatest emotional experience of their life. Looking at the science behind it, I can believe it. I know too much now to ever be able to ignore the possibility of love.


:((((
sorry but this comment, although sweet, greatly depresses me.. I've never been in love. :( Is it really necessary to be happy? Perhaps. But what if I can never find it.. does that mean I'm doomed to a life of unhappiness??!

#11 Samael

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 09:38 PM




This is what I have thought time and time again. I've never been remotely interested in a relationship with another individual, yet it irks me that I'm currently missing out on a life experience. This may sound cliche, but I believe that it is one of those things that you can't imagine until it happens, and when it happens it may change everything. You really can't imagine what this person will be like or what your relationship will be like. The best thing IMO is to not think about it and if it happens, it happens.



It's a "life experience" because society has defined it as such. Someone could say that getting a college education is a "life experience," and there are people in relationships who miss out on that. It's all about perspective.


I'm not sure about that. It's more like one of those timeless things that everyone keeps referring to as the single greatest emotional experience of their life. Looking at the science behind it, I can believe it. I know too much now to ever be able to ignore the possibility of love.


:((((
sorry but this comment, although sweet, greatly depresses me.. I've never been in love. :( Is it really necessary to be happy? Perhaps. But what if I can never find it.. does that mean I'm doomed to a life of unhappiness??!


Hey, I've never felt what "love" feels either. But I do have a feeling that if you want to feel love in order to feel happy, then I think you shouldn't try to force "love" to happen in the first place. If it happens then it happens. Also, I think that happyness, in general, shouldn't be tied down to any singular external source of emotion, as in this case to a partner. I'm content and happy with myself, but my state of mind doesn't come from serving the society's model of happyness, but it does come from that of my own model.

Cheer up, you're no lesser or greater a person whether you conform with society's standards or not.
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#12 federica

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 09:38 PM

vogue love isn't necessary to be happy.
seriously love is a romantic fiction....so you don't need it to be full of happiness ;)

#13 federica

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 09:46 PM

Samael is right. Happiness should be indipendent from any external emotion, otherwise you will never be happy

#14 pessoa

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Posted 25 August 2010 - 10:06 PM

I agree with federica that love is a fiction. but happiness is the same. Following from Chicken.Girl's words (...are we "meant" for anything? nah, i doubt it; life is just too random for that.) happpiness/unhappiness seems to me as a result of individuals' desperate attempts to give meaning to the meaningless life/world.

#15 vogue

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Posted 26 August 2010 - 12:45 AM

Interesting discussion here... so... personally, if you didn't find love, would you be upset? I think I used to be OK with it - pretty indifferent. But now... I don't know if it's societal pressure...some of it may be that... but I think I honestly do feel more happy when I have someone. It boosts my self-confidence, I feel like 'wow I am pretty... I have someone who loves me' and like I feel wanted. I feel like I'm not a total utter loser for not getting a date or being single all my life. And it really is nice to cuddle up to someone at night, and have them tell you you're beautiful, and caress you, and make jokes with you, etc. You can't say you don't appreciate that... I enjoyed all of that, even without sex...

#16 Ace of Swords

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 01:16 AM

I love me. If I don't find love, I will be alone. I do not like alone. I'm sure I will seek out the company of friends. But regardless, I love me and will love me whether or not I find love.

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#17 Qutenkuddly

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 01:38 AM

vogue love isn't necessary to be happy.
seriously love is a romantic fiction....so you don't need it to be full of happiness ;)



I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )
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#18 vogue

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 04:01 AM


vogue love isn't necessary to be happy.
seriously love is a romantic fiction....so you don't need it to be full of happiness ;)



I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )


Yeah.. I feel the same :( I'm sexual and romantic but don't have a sex drive essentially... lol. I don't really crave or desire sex, but I do experience sexual attraction. So when the right guys comes along, i may desire sex, it's just very rare..... that said, the thought of being single all my life makes me very depressed. I'd feel liek I've somehow failed for not being married and having kids, since it's something i want to do.

#19 Sally

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 04:19 AM

but I think I honestly do feel more happy when I have someone. It boosts my self-confidence, I feel like 'wow I am pretty... I have someone who loves me' and like I feel wanted. I feel like I'm not a total utter loser for not getting a date or being single all my life. And it really is nice to cuddle up to someone at night, and have them tell you you're beautiful, and caress you, and make jokes with you, etc. You can't say you don't appreciate that... I enjoyed all of that, even without sex...


It is nice to have someone appreciate you, but not everyone wants/needs to be told they're pretty/handsome, or cuddle or caress. Some people really don't appreciate that, i.e., they don't want it. Even some romantics don't want it. So it isn't really all one thing or the other.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#20 Samael

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 06:33 PM

I beg to differ. Being outside of a relationship may be fine and dandy for the aromantics, but for the romantics whom enjoy connecting with others on a deep emotional level? Not so happy outside of being in relationship.

(And if anyone tells me to get a CAT (or other pet-like critter), please prepare to duck a thrown object. :P )


Well, I'm an aromantic. Perhaps that has something to do with my opinion, but for me it seems that some romantic people could do with a bit more independence so they wouldn't feel so left out or unhappy if not engaged in a relationship. Sure, a relationship can be fulfilling and nice etc. for anyone, whether aromantic or romantic, but the lack of a relationship shouldn't be, in my opinion, a source of unhappyness for anyone.

No, I won't tell you to get a cat, but maybe value your own company a bit more? :D
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
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Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#21 Sally

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 06:37 PM

Get a cat. *ducks* :lol:

But seriously, "meant" sounds like someone/some entity/some god planned for us to be asexual. We are simply a sport of nature, among many, many sports, in human beings, animals, and plants. Life isn't plain vanilla.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#22 Samael

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 07:05 PM

the thought of being single all my life makes me very depressed. I'd feel liek I've somehow failed for not being married and having kids, since it's something i want to do.


I don't want to sound like an online shrink, but can you tell why you feel like a failure if you don't obtain the same things that many other people do? Why does your current marital status (single) make you depressed now and in the future? In my opinion, the lack of marriage and kids is a failure only so long as you, yourself, choose to define it as a failure. Do you want to define it like that?
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. Iíve just found 10,000 ways that wonít work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#23 vogue

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 09:18 PM

the thought of being single all my life makes me very depressed. I'd feel liek I've somehow failed for not being married and having kids, since it's something i want to do.


I don't want to sound like an online shrink, but can you tell why you feel like a failure if you don't obtain the same things that many other people do? Why does your current marital status (single) make you depressed now and in the future? In my opinion, the lack of marriage and kids is a failure only so long as you, yourself, choose to define it as a failure. Do you want to define it like that?


Well, I was recently questioning whether i'm asexual or sexual. I think I'm in some in-between category - 'grey A' or something, because I was ASEXUAL in the past, but only recently started to experience sexual attraction. So I am capable of it, and that is why if I was single & alone my whole life - I would feel disappointed, like I missed out on experiencing something that I'd potentially enjoy. And also I'm romantic - I do desire romantic relationships although it's very rare I ever experience them...

As I am more a 'sexual' or romantic person, I would feel sad if I were single my whole life. I'd view it as a personal failing, for being so weird or different or unattractive that NOT ONE person in this whole world could pair up with me in some sort of relationship setting. I'd just feel like the biggest loser on earth, pretty much. And there's really nothing wrong with me now - I mean I'm 5'9", thin, a professional model. If I can't get a boyfriend NOW... wtf is going to happen to me in 20 years? I just really feel like something is wrong with me and even though I am usually fine with being single, I can't help but think being single my whole life, and missing out on marriage & raising kids would be a real disappointment for me. I would like children and would like to feel like I am wanted enough to be in a marriage. If I'm single my whole life, no offense to those who are - I'd just feel like I'm not desirable enough. It's different for asexuals because... they don't desire that. But if I DO desire it... then it is a personal failure. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.

#24 Samael

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:15 PM


the thought of being single all my life makes me very depressed. I'd feel liek I've somehow failed for not being married and having kids, since it's something i want to do.


I don't want to sound like an online shrink, but can you tell why you feel like a failure if you don't obtain the same things that many other people do? Why does your current marital status (single) make you depressed now and in the future? In my opinion, the lack of marriage and kids is a failure only so long as you, yourself, choose to define it as a failure. Do you want to define it like that?


Well, I was recently questioning whether i'm asexual or sexual. I think I'm in some in-between category - 'grey A' or something, because I was ASEXUAL in the past, but only recently started to experience sexual attraction. So I am capable of it, and that is why if I was single & alone my whole life - I would feel disappointed, like I missed out on experiencing something that I'd potentially enjoy. And also I'm romantic - I do desire romantic relationships although it's very rare I ever experience them...

As I am more a 'sexual' or romantic person, I would feel sad if I were single my whole life. I'd view it as a personal failing, for being so weird or different or unattractive that NOT ONE person in this whole world could pair up with me in some sort of relationship setting. I'd just feel like the biggest loser on earth, pretty much. And there's really nothing wrong with me now - I mean I'm 5'9", thin, a professional model. If I can't get a boyfriend NOW... wtf is going to happen to me in 20 years? I just really feel like something is wrong with me and even though I am usually fine with being single, I can't help but think being single my whole life, and missing out on marriage & raising kids would be a real disappointment for me. I would like children and would like to feel like I am wanted enough to be in a marriage. If I'm single my whole life, no offense to those who are - I'd just feel like I'm not desirable enough. It's different for asexuals because... they don't desire that. But if I DO desire it... then it is a personal failure. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.


In my opinion, the first step for others to truly like you is for you to like yourself: as long as you have respect for yourself others will have too.

You say you want to be desired, and you also say that you describe yourself as physically attractive. A question, do you want others' "desire" of you be based on physical attractiveness? If so, you shouldn't have trouble having some sexual guy to desire you, if that is what you really want... I do think that a real relationship would have to be based on other things than sexual lust, but perhaps that's just my asexual side speaking :)

If you want to call your non-conformity (absence of marriage and kids) as a personal failure, then it shouldn't be all that hard to change that fact. Map out your strenghts and start developing your weaknesses. For example, for me a person's physical attractiveness is the least important fact about him or her. For me, the most important things in other people are their thoughts, world view, their very nature and strenght of conviction. If you're trying to attract someone, consider this also.

One things's for sure though: the more you want something that is meaningful to you, the more desperate to achieve it you might become. I understand that you're anxious to get everything you want right now - that might be a bit unrealistic though. My advice, take it or leave it, is to slow down, chill and take your mind off the matter. You can't think clearly if you're driven by such needyness - oh and needyness is never attractive :)
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. Iíve just found 10,000 ways that wonít work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#25 vogue

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:27 PM



the thought of being single all my life makes me very depressed. I'd feel liek I've somehow failed for not being married and having kids, since it's something i want to do.


I don't want to sound like an online shrink, but can you tell why you feel like a failure if you don't obtain the same things that many other people do? Why does your current marital status (single) make you depressed now and in the future? In my opinion, the lack of marriage and kids is a failure only so long as you, yourself, choose to define it as a failure. Do you want to define it like that?


Well, I was recently questioning whether i'm asexual or sexual. I think I'm in some in-between category - 'grey A' or something, because I was ASEXUAL in the past, but only recently started to experience sexual attraction. So I am capable of it, and that is why if I was single & alone my whole life - I would feel disappointed, like I missed out on experiencing something that I'd potentially enjoy. And also I'm romantic - I do desire romantic relationships although it's very rare I ever experience them...

As I am more a 'sexual' or romantic person, I would feel sad if I were single my whole life. I'd view it as a personal failing, for being so weird or different or unattractive that NOT ONE person in this whole world could pair up with me in some sort of relationship setting. I'd just feel like the biggest loser on earth, pretty much. And there's really nothing wrong with me now - I mean I'm 5'9", thin, a professional model. If I can't get a boyfriend NOW... wtf is going to happen to me in 20 years? I just really feel like something is wrong with me and even though I am usually fine with being single, I can't help but think being single my whole life, and missing out on marriage & raising kids would be a real disappointment for me. I would like children and would like to feel like I am wanted enough to be in a marriage. If I'm single my whole life, no offense to those who are - I'd just feel like I'm not desirable enough. It's different for asexuals because... they don't desire that. But if I DO desire it... then it is a personal failure. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.


In my opinion, the first step for others to truly like you is for you to like yourself: as long as you have respect for yourself others will have too.

You say you want to be desired, and you also say that you describe yourself as physically attractive. A question, do you want others' "desire" of you be based on physical attractiveness? If so, you shouldn't have trouble having some sexual guy to desire you, if that is what you really want... I do think that a real relationship would have to be based on other things than sexual lust, but perhaps that's just my asexual side speaking :)

If you want to call your non-conformity (absence of marriage and kids) as a personal failure, then it shouldn't be all that hard to change that fact. Map out your strenghts and start developing your weaknesses. For example, for me a person's physical attractiveness is the least important fact about him or her. For me, the most important things in other people are their thoughts, world view, their very nature and strenght of conviction. If you're trying to attract someone, consider this also.

One things's for sure though: the more you want something that is meaningful to you, the more desperate to achieve it you might become. I understand that you're anxious to get everything you want right now - that might be a bit unrealistic though. My advice, take it or leave it, is to slow down, chill and take your mind off the matter. You can't think clearly if you're driven by such needyness - oh and needyness is never attractive :)


Thanks, but I'd have to disagree on the part "It shouldn't be all that hard to change it."

I've been single for like 5 years now, and it is hard to change it. WHY? I don't know. I literally don't, and there are times when I'm severely depressed & suicidal, and for the life of me, can't figure out what it is. I just wish I had true friends, relationships, and people who cared about me, and would be able to be happy.

Also, no offence, but it is a pet peeve of mine how people always say "oh, if you REALLY wanted to be in a relationship or have sex, you can have it! It's easy."
No it's NOT. If it WERE easy, I wouldn't still be single. Why? i don't know. Honestly, maybe it's easy for most people, but as I said, I must be one of the most different, oddest people to get along with or god knows what, because I don't click with 99.9% of people and they don't click with me. I am attractive, thin, athletic, educated, studying in law school, kind, involved with charity and sports, whatever. I honestly don't know what I can do to improve myself to make myself not single. Changing my personality is not an option...

#26 federica

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:51 PM

I totally agree with Samael

#27 vogue

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:56 PM

I totally agree with Samael


why do you think i'm still single then?

#28 Samael

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:56 PM

Also, no offence, but it is a pet peeve of mine how people always say "oh, if you REALLY wanted to be in a relationship or have sex, you can have it! It's easy."
No it's NOT. If it WERE easy, I wouldn't still be single. Why? i don't know. Honestly, maybe it's easy for most people, but as I said, I must be one of the most different, oddest people to get along with or god knows what, because I don't click with 99.9% of people and they don't click with me. I am attractive, thin, athletic, educated, studying in law school, kind, involved with charity and sports, whatever. I honestly don't know what I can do to improve myself to make myself not single. Changing my personality is not an option...


Ok, well, maybe someone else here can help you. If not, maybe consider paying a visit to a specialist professional - a dating couch perhaps? Clearly, this matter seems very important to you.
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again !
But I have not failed. Iíve just found 10,000 ways that wonít work.
Therefore there is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

#29 federica

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Posted 27 August 2010 - 11:56 PM

vogue I really can't understand why you are unable to find out a boyfriend. if you are really attractive, you should not have any problem. even kids know that physical attractiveness is "the key". :wacko:

#30 vogue

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Posted 28 August 2010 - 12:26 AM

vogue I really can't understand why you are unable to find out a boyfriend. if you are really attractive, you should not have any problem. even kids know that physical attractiveness is "the key". :wacko:


Damn. I might as well kill myself lol...........




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