Aromantic

[LaureAranel]

Asexuality is generally defined as not experiencing sexual attraction. However, we define it more broadly as a spectrum between repulsion, experiencing no sexual arousal, etc and those who masturbate and are "pro-sexual."

Recently, I've been questioning whether I may be aromantic. The wiki definition is notably less thorough than the definition of asexuality. So, I've been pondering the possibility that aromanticism runs the gambit between being "emotionless" and having no real attachment to others to being pro-romance and forming deep attachments to others while still not desiring a romantic relationship. Judging by what I've read around, I recognize that this is not exactly groundbreaking, but I'm working something around in my head and would like to invite theoretical discussion in addition to my personal questions below.

And then my personal angst on which I base my theoretical conception:

I form very powerful bonds that I tend to think of as pack bonds with friends and family. People who are mine are mine (try not to take that in a creepy way) and there's really very little I wouldn't do for them. However, I've never really dated. Dating has always proven awkward to me and led to me dissociating myself from that person. That being said, I've always like the idea of pair bonding. My parents have been happily married for almost 40 years. I've always been a big fan of epic romance (more Austen-style than Harlequin-style).

I'd very much like a partner, but I value my privacy as well. Mostly I value being able to depend on someone. I think my ideal scenario would be a highly dependable friend who lived next-door to me in a duplex. Possibly a roommate situation, but only in a narrow band of situations.

I've always semi-jokingly explained myself to people as Vulcan. I let them draw their own conclusions. So far I've seen no evidence of a mating cycle in myself, but otherwise I find myself to be very Spock-ian.

Normally I'd argue this kind of question with my IRL friends, but while most of them know I'm ace, they're conceptual understanding is just not going to support the level of discussion I'm hoping for. So....thoughts?

[corduroyjackalope]

I am also super aromantic. I don't even like hugging and I don't understand why people do all that kissing ect. romatic stuff. I wouldn't know how to if someone asked me to. I am most comfortable having very good friends, but nothing more. I am planning to room with my best friend but it will a two bedroom two bathroom thing. We tried that boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but it was just akward and stressful. But I know exactly where you are coming from.

[*killer*queen*]

I've always semi-jokingly explained myself to people as Vulcan. I let them draw their own conclusions. So far I've seen no evidence of a mating cycle in myself, but otherwise I find myself to be very Spock-ian.

Haha! This is how I've often referred to myself, mostly with "new friends" than old ones because the newbies are more likely to understand it easier. Mostly with my old friends I'm kind of afraid to refer to myself like that and explain that I don't have feelings as intense as most. I know they think more that I do have feelings as intensely, I'm just better at hiding them because I don't like to wear my heart on my sleeve. But that just isn't the case. And I'm afraid it's just going to lead to more issues than making my life easier. I do appreciate the friends I have. I'm very loyal and honorable, those more or less steer my moral code. I think that part of me is the big reason why, despite the fact I've never had a "dating relationship" that my friends often come to me for advice. I don't have the feelings to contend with and can look at the situation logically. Most of the advice I give them would be common-sense things one would pick up if one wasn't flooded with emotions.

[Ace of Swords]

After much self-searching, I've realized that I'm aromantic. I think it can be defined in the same way as asexuality. Sally gave me dictionary definitions last night that helped me out immensely with figuring out what I am. :aven:

[Oceania]

Hmm, yes, well I'm a more of the less extreme aromantic I suppose. I don't mind hugs or being connected closely to people. But all the same, I don't get romantically attracted to anyone, nor do I like the idea of being tied down by anyone. Kissing is also icky.

But I think that aromanticism does have a wide spectrum like asexuality. It would make sense anyways.

[LaureAranel]

I love the geeks on here.

Thanks for replying, everyone. It's amazing how finding just a couple people who feel the way you do can make a difference.

[Sciatrix]

Get out of my brain, please. (No, seriously--right down to that weird "pack" conceptualization thing.) I do differ in that I am quite happy to live with a housemate, but I'm much happier when I have my own room to retreat into when I want to recharge. I'm also territorial as all hell about that space, so I suspect any situation where I had to share all my space with another person would just end in tears.

I tend to think that those strong friendships aren't simply a form of romantic expression because I have a good friend who behaves similarly in her friendships (again, right down to the "mine" thing, and up to and including jealousy of people "taking away" friends), and yet she is bi and definitely experiences classic romantic attractions also. So there does seem to be a difference between close bonds between friends and romantic attachment.

I try not to get obsessive about pointing out that aromantic people are not necessarily emotionless or "cold," but it's a stereotype I've seen often on AVEN and one I find really upsetting, because it's so totally the opposite of my experience.

[LaureAranel]

I certainly didn't mean to apply that all aromantics are emotionless. I personally sometimes come off as cold because I have difficulty expressing emotions in front of people. That actually goes to my Vulcan metaphor as, contrary to general belief, we geeks know that they actually feel a lot, but don't express it.

I'm really territorial about space. I actually lived successfully with a roommate (separate beds/baths) who I absolutely love (platonically) but I ended up having to move out because of various issues including maintenance and use of shared space. I have difficulty giving up control of my area. We probably would have been ok, but she tended to leave for a month at a time during school breaks and that made me perceive shared areas too much as mine.

I tend not to be too insane about people "taking away" my friends, although I don't like it. I've always thought there were two kinds of people: pack people and non-pack people. I tend not to trust non-pack people.

[Sciatrix]

Oh, no, I didn't think you implied that--it's just an implication I see in general which irritates me. Sorry if I gave you that impression; my first post was not very well-organized in my head! I actually have no idea how I come off to people; I'm not very good at conceptualizing how others see me.

Ooh, yes. I definitely will "take over" spaces and get all fussy about that, too. When I moved away to college, my parents made my old room over into a playroom and I ended up staying in the guest bedroom for the following summer--except that summer some old friends of my mother came to stay with us, and my parents wanted me to sleep in my sister's room while they stayed in the guest bedroom, and I had a pretty horrible freak-out over the whole thing. It's not so bad now, since I didn't come home last summer.

I actually haven't experienced friends being "taken away," but my friend has, mostly by new significant others. I'm not sure how I'll react, because no one I'm close to has started dating someone else and spent significantly less time with me as a result of that.

[Bero]

Can I just say I love your post? I have noticed a couple "aromanticism=no desire for interpersonal relationships at all" posts floating around recently, so yours was a refreshing read. :) Especially what you mentioned about there being a "spectrum" for aromanticism as there is for asexuality, and about viewing a partner more as someone you can depend on--a really close, family/pack-like friend, rather than a romantic partner and all that jazz. I'm definitely aromantic and would never want a romantic partner in the traditional sense, but after some months of introspection, I can see myself possibly having more of a "permanent roommate/best friend" thing going on with someone (closer than friends in a way, but still not "romantic," and with each having their own separate space). I'm not actively seeking that kind of arrangement and won't be disppointed if it doesn't happen, but if it were to occur naturally, sure, why not.

[ily]

Especially what you mentioned about there being a "spectrum" for aromanticism as there is for asexuality,

I agree. Most things tend to be spectrums. I feel aromantic in some ways and romantic in others (so I identify as neither). I'd be thrilled to have a reliable friend living next to me in a duplex. I want some kind of partner, but I don't care whether it's a romantic partner or a best friend.

[Romulus]

I've never had a relationship myself. I'm by no means socially incompetent, so I could perhaps date a woman. However, I have exceptionally high standards for intelligence in my partners, and I have yet to meet anyone I think it would be tolerable to have a relationship with. I have loved several women deeply, but the notion of actually being in a relationship with one is sort of alien to me. It's almost incomprehensible to me. I think I want one, because I am consistently lonesome. I have a loneliness that eats away at my happiness on a daily basis. Yet the notion of being in a relationship somehow strikes me as less tolerable than that, and not due to any cynicism. Most of my friends are couples, and I find the sight of it to be beautiful. It warms my heart when I see two people of good moral character kissing each other. There is nothing about the idea of relationships which I find objectionable. Yet, I don't know if I could do it. I can't, relate to people, in that way. I look at people and my relationships with a certain disassociation, a certain objectivity that almost removes myself from the consideration, but bases all considerations on their general merits and character. The notion of someone caring for me is one that seems, restrictive, in spite of the fact that I have no desire to be promiscuous. I feel like I am only ever fully honest if I am talking to myself, or in an anonymous context. If I have to deal with someone I care about then I have to mitigate my speech in such a way as it would seem humane enough to them, but my perspective on life and people in general is not very humane, and I don't think I really could share it with anyone.

[Ziel]

I form very powerful bonds that I tend to think of as pack bonds with friends and family. People who are mine are mine (try not to take that in a creepy way) and there's really very little I wouldn't do for them. However, I've never really dated.

I do differ in that I am quite happy to live with a housemate, but I'm much happier when I have my own room to retreat into when I want to recharge.

I'm right with you both on this. Before college, I was very much a loner. In high school, I had a group of friends, but I wouldn't say they were great friends. By that, I mean that we would hang out during school, but I never did anything with them outside of school.

I got to college though, and formed very tight bonds with a small group of friends. They're basically like family to me at this point (and it kills me that I'm out of college and am not going to see them every day anymore). Honestly, I prefer being with all of them than being with my family. But through all this, I've never actually dated anybody, and have no interest in it at all.

The way I feel right now, I would love to be able to live with these friends from college, or at least somebody (or a couple people) with whom I end up with an equivalent type of relationship. I don't particularly like to be alone all the time (I love having friends around), but I do need to escape from people now and again.

For me, that last part is because I feel so comfortable around my friends that I can relax and be myself. I'm not even at that point with my family right now.

[Guest]

Aromantic? Add me to the list. :D

Like how asexuality doesn't experience sexual attraction, aromantics don't experience romanctic attraction....but it doesn't mean they aren't capable of loving (platonically or such) at all. Aromantic relationships are also possible, imagine (very) close relationships without all the usual romance. Some can self-claim that they're hetero/homo/bi/etc-aromantic too which means they can or might desire and form such bonds and relationships but no actual romance is involved.

[Basil the Tired Aesthete]

I certainly didn't mean to apply that all aromantics are emotionless. I personally sometimes come off as cold because I have difficulty expressing emotions in front of people.

I get this, and it often leads to a perception of me being completely off the romantic scale, but the idea of a life-long roommate/best friend situation sound perfect to me. I guess I am sort of romantic, just not in any traditional way. But then I find socially acceptable ideas of what constitutes 'romance' to be kind of odd.

Basil.

[Aiko_spacer]

Yeh the wiki is kinda bare ,its also crappy to explain to people. I don't even know where to start 'I don't fall in love' makes me feel like a creepy Android ... not to mention people ALWAYS will go 'ho you haven't found the right one for you thats all!' royally forgetting that in their life they will probably had more them one people that gave them that 'love' feeling thing. Where I just never even had a spark of it .

the AA people I'v seen here explaining their feelings really shows thers a while spectrum of aromantic's . I'm on of those extreme 'no close contact' people with also a sense of territorial behavior hah xD .

But I need my friends I'll admit that, but living together sounds ... not my thing at all heh.

[*killer*queen*]

Yeh the wiki is kinda bare ,its also crappy to explain to people. I don't even know where to start 'I don't fall in love' makes me feel like a creepy Android ... not to mention people ALWAYS will go 'ho you haven't found the right one for you thats all!' royally forgetting that in their life they will probably had more them one people that gave them that 'love' feeling thing. Where I just never even had a spark of it .

Yeah, I just do my best to explain to people the way I am without using the term aromantic. Most people have never heard of the term asexual... I'd never heard of the term aromantic until I joined here and it took me awhile to decide if I actually was or not because there wasn't much to go on. Basically how I put it was that I didn't get intense feelings for people past friendship. I've had all of two crushes in my life, one before puberty, one after, but in neither case did I feel anything. I just thought they were really cool and fun and wanted to hang out with them.

[Elephox]

I think aromanticism is a spectrum. I'm still not sure where i'd fall on the spectrum. I've never been "in love", but I've dated and been in romantic relationships. But I just felt like they were more like close friendships. With my actual friendships, they're like family to me. When I look at couples being all mushy with each other I think it's kinda gross. I also don't like watching cheesy romantic movies. But I do like the idea of people finding love and i'd like to find a life mate one day. Right now I'm just not motivated to look for that person. I don't want that to be the focus of my life. I'm not sure what it'll be like when I finally find someone cuz I enjoy living alone. I like having close friends near by. My best friend lives in the same apartment complex as me which is nice. Maybe if I like my "life mate" enough we can share a bed :s

[CreepyCrawler]

My aromanticism means that I don't desire having any kind of romantic relationship with someone else and that I'd always be happier just being friends than being in a relationship. It just seems unnatural for me. For me, close friendship is the best thing ever, because you are almost as emotionally close as with someone you'd date (often closer, since friendships often have a much longer lifespan than relationships) but still able to maintain independence. Relationships just seem like too much...you become fused with the other person. I find that very uncomfortable.

I really agree with that pack analogy you used (though not with the pair-bonding concept). I love to be a member of a group with my own role to play (the quiet helpful sentinel or the weird one) and being in a relationships hinders that dynamic. I don't need to someone's one and only, and I don't need someone to be mine.

As far as sex goes, I enjoy it but avoid it as it complicates things. I don't think it can ever be separated from romance for me. That just seems weird.

[TG-G]

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[LaureAranel]

I'm really confused about this whole 'aromantic' thing. I don't like romance or romantic things, & I don't fall in love. (I'm also new new this whole asexuality thing as well.) I do have strong feelings towards people, but it's like what I feel is the strong feelings one has way, way into a relationship that goes way beyond romance & sex. When I'm seriously interested in someone, I have had those feelings right away (a few times even immediately), & it scares me because I don't know them really. How could I categorize myself? Am I aromantic? Am I something entirely different?

I'm a bit confused. You say you don't fall in love, while at the same time, you say that you have "strong feelings" "way beyond romance and sex." I think you would need to clarify what those feelings are and why you think they're not love. Are you trying to differentiate "love" and "in love"? I think that would be telling as to whether or not you're aromantic.

But, really, how you identify is determined by how you identify. I'm very comfortable with my asexuality because it makes my whole life make sense. I'm less comfortable with my aromanticism because it only recently occurred to me as a possibility when I had always thought that I was biromantic. But it's uncomfortable because it is a major paradigm shift while feeling right.

I hope that's remotely useful.

[eatik]

I've always semi-jokingly explained myself to people as Vulcan. I let them draw their own conclusions. So far I've seen no evidence of a mating cycle in myself, but otherwise I find myself to be very Spock-ian.

This just made my day. I only signed up this afternoon and I find someone using a Star Trek metaphor?

I would identify as a member of the Romulan underground movement seen in TNG "Unification". I like logic, but unfortunately I'm too emotional to be a true Vulcan.

[TG-G]

Are you trying to differentiate "love" and "in love"? I think that would be telling as to whether or not you're aromantic.

I've always thought that they were separate things. Ack I'm really super confused now.

[LaureAranel]

Are you trying to differentiate "love" and "in love"? I think that would be telling as to whether or not you're aromantic.

I've always thought that they were separate things. Ack I'm really super confused now.

Oh, I agree that they are separate things. I just didn't think that it was clear from what you originally wrote that that's what you were intending to say. I was asking as a way of clarifying what strong feelings you were experiencing and verifying that you were referring to platonic love as separate from romantic love and not something else entirely.

[TG-G]

Are you trying to differentiate "love" and "in love"? I think that would be telling as to whether or not you're aromantic.

I've always thought that they were separate things. Ack I'm really super confused now.

Oh, I agree that they are separate things. I just didn't think that it was clear from what you originally wrote that that's what you were intending to say. I was asking as a way of clarifying what strong feelings you were experiencing and verifying that you were referring to platonic love as separate from romantic love and not something else entirely.

I thought about this even more, & I really do think that maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. Meaning this - Whatever I feel for someone I'm interested in is definitely something very different from the familial feelings I have for my nephews or a friend of mine, who I have a brother/sister connection with. So maybe what I feel is 'romantic', but on a different level or in a different way or something. All I know is that 'romantic' things, objects, & situations are off putting to me.

[eee]

I am a bit of strange aromantic. First off, I am absolutely articulate at expressing myself romantically, but only to myself. I am social butterfly who is friendly and loves her friends platonic-ally and universally. I don't like to get personally involved with anyone,not even my family. To me, everything comes from within, I love me the most, i know me the most, i connect with myself the most, and some can tell you i am quite in love with myself. I hope that defines aromantics.

[nelo]

I don't know exactly what to say... so I'll link to this post I really like about aromanticism: http://www.rainbowamoeba.com/petridish/index.php?post/2010/07/18/What-Does-It-Mean-to-Be-Aromantic