emily was here Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 so, I just got back from having coffee with a friend. It was great - we sat, we talked, we drank coffee. However, I realized almost from the beginning that he was thinking of this as a date, and I wasn't. early in the night, we had talked about why I've never really had any kind of relationship. I never talked about asexuality, but I talked about how with every guy I meet, I immediately put them in "friend zone" without even thinking about it. A couple hours in, we were in a place that should have been this really romantic setting, and he was talking about how comfortable he was with me and he asked me if he was in the "friend zone", probably hoping I would say no so he could go in for a kiss. I felt guilty as hell telling him yes, i wasn't thinking of him as anything more than a friend. He was so disappointed. So now I'm feeling guilty, like i led him on or something. Which is stupid. But I can't help but feel bad. I just hope its not awkward next time I see him. Any thoughts or suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
prettyeyes Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 It sounds like you were fairly upfront even if you didn't talk about your asexuality. I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
bligyn Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 I feel like a ditto machine for what we normally say, but explain it to him and he might understand. Show him the site, or if you are not that close, just write it off as a small mistake and know you did the right thing to tell him yes instead of no. Link to post Share on other sites
emily was here Posted August 4, 2010 Author Share Posted August 4, 2010 i know i have no reason to feel bad, but i still do. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovebunnies Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 With a situation like this where you are feeling bad and maybe obsessing over it, its best to just say its done and not worry about it. Whats done is done and be positive about things ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
bligyn Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 This is just a thought and please don't take this the wrong way, but could you be feeling really bad because you are ever so slightly romantically attracted to him? Link to post Share on other sites
emily was here Posted August 4, 2010 Author Share Posted August 4, 2010 I think its more likely that I feel bad because i realized he had a crush on me and i was way too passive about telling him I wasn't interested. I'd say I'd never been in a relationship and was OK with that instead of saying I'm not interested in a relationship with him. But mostly I just feel bad because I made him feel bad. thats not something i enjoy doing Link to post Share on other sites
LouChaseman Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 You didn't really lead him on; sounds like you were pretty clear. Leading him on would be going along with him and saying "no" and continuing a relationship that you don't want. You'd have to break it off sooner or later, and the later you break it off the more it'd hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Swords Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 It sounds like you did the right thing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Longshadow Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 You didn't really lead him on; sounds like you were pretty clear. Leading him on would be going along with him and saying "no" and continuing a relationship that you don't want. You'd have to break it off sooner or later, and the later you break it off the more it'd hurt him. That's exactly what happened in my last relationship. I was too afraid to hurt the persons feelings, so I went along with what they wanted. I tried to make it work, but it couldn't, not when I never wanted it in the first place. Don't feel guilty about what you did. You can feel sorry for him, but you have to look out for your own interests. It's not like you lead him on, he was just engaging in wishful thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Moonlover Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 is better you told him now than hurting him deeply later. maybe u should explain him what is to be asexual Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 If he's willing to listen, you could try explaining that you simply aren't attracted to anyone, no matter how much you like them. Tell him it has nothing to do with him, it's entirely to do with you. He may be somewhat awkward the next time you meet him, so don't expect anything other than that. You didn't lead him on; you just didn't know what to say any earlier than you could say it. We can't be expected to wear signs around our necks. Link to post Share on other sites
phantomwriter Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 I've been in your position a few times, and I felt guilty each time. Looking at it from the outside, I can see how you shouldn't feel guilty at all. A friend explained it to me recently. I told him how I felt guilty that I couldn't feel what they wanted me to feel. He said, "No one wants you to fake or force your feelings. They're simply hoping you feel the same way. There's no reason to feel guilty." I hope that helps. It sure made me feel better when he said that. :) Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted August 11, 2010 Share Posted August 11, 2010 I think in the long run he appreciates your honesty more, or at least he should. Someone shouldn't have to feel quilty for saying how they really feel, even though it doesn't always work like that. I think you did the right thing here and was honest before it turned into something else Link to post Share on other sites
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