TransWhatevers of AVEN

[butterflydreams]

Hey, so just a quick drop in here, I found this channel on youtube and she makes me so happy. I don't know why. She just seems so happy and natural. Maybe I'll be like that some day: https://www.youtube.com/user/EiselyNiandra/

[Emery.]

sorry for spamming

[Heart]

Hello again all! I've been swamped with work, and while I've been reading I didn't have time to respond. So here goes with some catch up!

I've made a big admission to myself over the past few days. Basically that finding love, finding a romantic partner, these things are a priority to me, and I have every right to plan my life in such a way as to make them a priority. I've said they were a priority, but my actions didn't reflect that at all. Now I really believe it. And I believe I have the right to make that a priority.

Transitioning has demonstrated to me in such a real way just how much I'm capable of. More than I ever thought. I never thought I'd want to live my life, but I do now. Everything I've done up until the past year or so has been for others. Doing what they wanted me to do. To gain favors or approval, and often just to avoid emotional abuse. Yes, sometimes I fail to see the forest for the trees when it comes to my transition. I think that's an easy pitfall to succumb to. I stress about the details, passing, the day-to-day, and just worrying about living my life this way. But the big picture is that even though I still struggle with depression and anxiety a lot, there are things I believe I can do now, because I know I can choose to live my life. I mean, I'm doing it.

I love the shit out of New England. I've lived here all my life. Heck I've practically never left (trips to Montreal and New York State hardly count). But maybe New England isn't what is ultimately best for Hadley. I was finally able to be honest with myself about it this past weekend. "Hadley, you are gonna die here. Is that how you want to live your life?" It's not the first time I've thought that, but it's the first time I really felt it. I've dusted off an old idea I had about moving somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. I've thought about a timeline (mostly money based) and while I'm open to things here changing so that I can stay, if they don't, I'm planning to have the means to get out of here by early spring, 2018.

If you move to the Pacific Northwest, can we pretty please meet up in real life? I owe you, like, so many hugs. I'll throw a tea into the bargain too, to make up for having to deal with me in real life ;)

Dude, I always have such a hard time trying to find blond FtMs talking about HRT online that it's nice knowing that I'm not the only blond guy on here. :D Honestly, I was expecting my facial hair to be coming in even slower than it is now, since despite being naturally very hairy, I only had this invisible white peach fuzz on my face pre-T. My gut tells me that I'll need 1~2 years of HRT before I can grow anything decent, but I'm actually going to try no shave November and see what happens. I'll be ~6 months on T when that happens, so I'm not expecting anything amazing.

I have trouble imagining myself with a ginger beard, but I've got some Celtic blood in me too, so I suppose it's not impossible! I'll be plenty happy to have facial hair regardless of its color (unless it ends up that sand/fleshy color that would Just make me look creepy, that is). :lol: I'd mostly love to have some chin hair, but I like the idea of sideburns more and more every day too. Regardless, I'm looking forward to playing around with my future scruff :)

My chest was really asymmetrical (a B and a D cup <_<) so even when I was binding, there was something not quite right about me. Plus, my ribs got broken in my teens and they never set properly, so I've always had an odd ribcage that I thought would be even more obvious when I was binding.

Perhaps if you're a small B and/or your skin is reasonably elastic, you might be eligible for the keyhole procedure rather than double incision? I've known guys that didn't bind very often who got away with keyhole because their skin was still in good shape.

Oh, and I'm blond too but I wouldn't object to ginger facial hair :D

Fair warning: my boyfriend has mostly dark blond hair, of the very brown persuasion, for all the hair on his head, including eyebrows, eyelashes, everything. Except the beard. The beard has very definite red tones to it, so red it almost looks like a completely different person's beard :P Like, seriously. There is not a single red hair or red undertone to anything else on his head or face. Except the beard. *shrugs* I guess anything is possible with that Scottish blood!

I finally got around to checking out some footage I recorded for an "On the Road with Hadley" video. I don't know why, but I felt like I looked so ugly in it. I tried to record it on my commute home. The content is pretty good, but ugh, after a long day, I just can't keep my voice right :( God I hate it so much. Would people here still find value if I posted it? I do think the content is pretty good.

Yes, please! I think more people need to be seen on the internet not being perfect, it makes it more relatable and more acceptable in society to not be 100% all the time :)
Edit: Hehe. I see you already did. Well, you go girl!

A relevant story on changing names:

My daughter decided to change her name from Holly to Helen. She's an early teen, so at first I thought it was a temporary phase and didn't work at it much. Only she's stuck to this "phase" for a solid six months now and I've realized she's serious.

I want to support her in calling her a name that she feels fits who she is ... only I've known her as Holly for ... her entire life. You have no idea how often I bite my tongue after her birth name jumps out of my mouth, and how often I use it without even realizing ... oh, it should be Helen. She is Helen!

She doesn't correct me. She answers to both and doesn't resent my mistakes. But, I feel like this is a parenting challenge I ought to be able to manage. It's a change in name for goodness sake! I can do this! I really ought to be able to remember it.

Now, this situation doesn't have all the emotional weight of being misgendered, but it does show the other side of a name change.

Even though I completely support my daughter and genuinely like the name Helen, I still am only just beginning to remember to call her that sometimes (most often in writing) after over a month of trying on a daily basis.

Sometimes people have a hard time changing habits, especially something as unconscious as the word that instinctively comes to mind when I identify someone/thing. It's part of why learning a new language is so hard, too. (Actually, thinking of it as a language issue might help me remember to say Helen more easily. Hmm...)

My story on the difficulty of remembering may not help you feel better when your family and friends forget to use your true name ... but maybe it will ...

... at least in those situations where someone isn't pointedly trying to prove you wrong by any means possible. For those people ... well, they don't deserve the gift of having you in their lives! Really.

Thank you for this, Ix. It's good to be reminded of this. I remember a friend in high school changed their name too, and I admit that it took me months to get it right. Another one changed her name too, and I never really got it right :( I try, and now that I'm older and more sensitive in general I try even harder. Thank you for trying too, and for the reminder that it's ok to be human and make mistakes, and still feel compassion and love for the person we are trying for.

Ok, I thought about it some more and I realized we can't always be looking our very best. Sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we don't look as great. Even trans people are merely human after all. So here it is, "OTRWH Ep 3: On the Job":

The link is being terrible, and not loading :( So I am attempting to quote it in the off chance that this makes the internet gods pay attention and send me your video. I shall provide an update once I get a chance to actually watch it.

Edit to update: Hadley!! You look great. I mean, sure, you look slightly tired, but you definitely look amazing still. In fact, considering you recorded this after a long day at work, I'm really genuinely impressed. Me after work... is not nearly as put together as that :P

Oh, and Mezzo, congratulations on the smooth coming out!! Your professor and crew seem like amazing people. I'm so glad it's gone well so far

Edited September 25, 2016 by Heart

[butterflydreams]

If you move to the Pacific Northwest, can we pretty please meet up in real life? I owe you, like, so many hugs. I'll throw a tea into the bargain too, to make up for having to deal with me in real life ;)

Hehehe, dealing with you? Nah! I'm sure it'd be a blast, with or without tea :P I actually discovered that direct non-stop, no-nonsense flights are pretty cheap to where I'd like to go if you leave from Boston, so fingers crossed I can do a fact-finding mission out there next spring!

Edit to update: Hadley!! You look great. I mean, sure, you look slightly tired, but you definitely look amazing still. In fact, considering you recorded this after a long day at work, I'm really genuinely impressed. Me after work... is not nearly as put together as that :P

Thank you! I was really pretty tired.

I decided today randomly that I'd like to start doing more video content, or at least more regular. But OTRWH videos tend to require a lot of physical setup and a lot of editing after the fact. Which I don't mind, but it takes time that I don't always have. So, I'm creating a companion series called "Just Life". And guess what? I shot the first one today!

I think my voice is a lot better with this style because I'm not trying to overcome the drone of the car, but I'm interested in what other people think. Enjoy!

[Mezzo Forte]

Mondays tend to be really long for me, (as well as Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and sometimes the rest of the week too :lol:) but in case I don't have time to post, tomorrow will officially be my 5 months since starting HRT. :) I already celebrated by getting another haircut, and I articulated what I wanted a little better, and I'm really happy with it right now!

Fair warning: my boyfriend has mostly dark blond hair, of the very brown persuasion, for all the hair on his head, including eyebrows, eyelashes, everything. Except the beard. The beard has very definite red tones to it, so red it almost looks like a completely different person's beard :P Like, seriously. There is not a single red hair or red undertone to anything else on his head or face. Except the beard. *shrugs* I guess anything is possible with that Scottish blood!

Oh, and Mezzo, congratulations on the smooth coming out!! Your professor and crew seem like amazing people. I'm so glad it's gone well so far

Oh man, I could only imagine how comical I'd look with a completely ginger beard. Combined with my height, I'd probably get a lot of leprechaun jokes. :lol: So far, I think my legit facial hairs are coming in dark blonde, so I'd be surprised if ginger hairs started cropping up.

Thanks Heart, coming out to my studio has been such a huge relief. :) I still need to come out to more of the faculty, but I'm really glad that everyone's taken it so well and that they're actively trying to call me by my chosen name!

I decided today randomly that I'd like to start doing more video content, or at least more regular. But OTRWH videos tend to require a lot of physical setup and a lot of editing after the fact. Which I don't mind, but it takes time that I don't always have. So, I'm creating a companion series called "Just Life". And guess what? I shot the first one today!

I think my voice is a lot better with this style because I'm not trying to overcome the drone of the car, but I'm interested in what other people think. Enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/184253883

I forget that there are places that actually have seasons. :P You're talking about wearing jackets while I'm sweating with 90F highs. I also love how casually you decide "oh, I'll guess I'll just bike 30 miles." I've really enjoyed both this and OTRWH. You sound great in both those vids if you ask me, but you definitely seem more relaxed talking in a quieter voice. :) Thanks for sharing!

[butterflydreams]

Mondays tend to be really long for me, (as well as Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and sometimes the rest of the week too :lol:) but in case I don't have time to post, tomorrow will officially be my 5 months since starting HRT. :) I already celebrated by getting another haircut, and I articulated what I wanted a little better, and I'm really happy with it right now!

Woot! I can hardly believe how long it's been! Wow! 5 whole months! How was the haircut this time? I know there was a lot of back and forth and thinking about the last one? Did you feel more confident about this one?

I forget that there are places that actually have seasons. :P You're talking about wearing jackets while I'm sweating with 90F highs. I also love how casually you decide "oh, I'll guess I'll just bike 30 miles." I've really enjoyed both this and OTRWH. You sound great in both those vids if you ask me, but you definitely seem more relaxed talking in a quieter voice. :) Thanks for sharing!

Aww, thank you! My bread and butter ride is actually a 60 mile loop, but I haven't done it this year since it was a recovery year. I was definitely more relaxed in this one, so I'm glad that showed. I realized that if I get it in my head that, "yes, you are passing a lot of the time and yes, you are just a woman," I tend to relax in overdrive. I noticed that if I can get to that place, and let the worries go, and allow myself to see myself as I am, I feel so much better. I really hope transition continues to make that place easier to get to.

[Homer]

Sorry to interrupt, but here's a trans question that I've carried around for a while now.

Let's assume that there's a MtF and a FtM person. They're both unhappy with their lives in wrong bodies. Is it possible for them to be angry at each other, like they're telling each other "Whoa, you were born in the body I'd love to have but all you do is complaining..." or is there some kind of understanding each other because you're all in the wrong body boat?

Does this kind of hostility among trans people exist?

[Emery.]

Sorry to interrupt, but here's a trans question that I've carried around for a while now.

Let's assume that there's a MtF and a FtM person. They're both unhappy with their lives in wrong bodies. Is it possible for them to be angry at each other, like they're telling each other "Whoa, you were born in the body I'd love to have but all you do is complaining..." or is there some kind of understanding each other because you're all in the wrong body boat?

Does this kind of hostility among trans people exist?

Yes, of course. I've had this conversation, even though I'm not full breed FtM. I'm not sure it was a hostile talk, rather complaining on both sides. Resentment. It comes up from time to time. But it's generally considered unkind and out of place to tell the other kind of trans that they should enjoy what they have ;)

[Gentle Giant]

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't posted in here in quite a while. I'm glad that things are going better for some of you and think it's really amazing how quickly things are turning around for you when it seemed like it was something impossible. Also it's great that you're getting support from family, co-workers and students/professors.

Hadley, I enjoyed seeing/hearing you in your 2 new videos. I agree with Heart that you look great in the first video. I was having some trouble with viewing them though. They would lock up at times. (The second one locked up right when you were talking about boob grabs. :lol: But I wasn't able to get it going again like I did for the first one.) I'll probably try again later. I liked that there was no background noise to compete with in the second video but the sound wasn't as consistent and would go up and down. It may have been because you were looking around a lot. I don't think you need to worry about someone thinking you're weird for filming yourself talking out there. That is not weird at all. I liked when you switched to landscape mode in the second video. I've seen other people doing videos in portrait mode and I personally don't like that because it looks restricting or something. It looks more natural in landscape. In the first video did you say at work that you didn't wear shoes there? I got a chuckle about that. I thought the first video had really good, inspirational content.

[Emery.]

There is a trangender woman in the new H&M campaign ^_^ Also, I find the campaign pretty cool.

[ChillaKilla]

I have a trans friend who's younger than me going through a garbage situation and I just feel so helpless to stop any of it :(

[butterflydreams]

Sorry to interrupt, but here's a trans question that I've carried around for a while now.

Let's assume that there's a MtF and a FtM person. They're both unhappy with their lives in wrong bodies. Is it possible for them to be angry at each other, like they're telling each other "Whoa, you were born in the body I'd love to have but all you do is complaining..." or is there some kind of understanding each other because you're all in the wrong body boat?

Does this kind of hostility among trans people exist?

I don't doubt that it happens, and while I can see the rationale behind it, I avoid it myself. I think it's a matter of empathy, and that's really how I try to treat it. Sure, I love boobs, and they're mission-critical to my feeling like myself, but I absolutely understand how a trans guy would hate them. He probably hates them as much as I hate my downstairs region.

I was even thinking about this recently, about how I read about trans guys hating their totally invisible, internal reproductive organs, often for the fact of what they can do (i.e. get pregnant). And at first I was like, "omg, I'd kill for that :(" but then I realized just how terrible I'd feel having to use my reproductive organs to make a baby. Awful. So a trans guy probably feels similarly.

As usual with these kinds of things, there's more we share in common than not.

Hadley, I enjoyed seeing/hearing you in your 2 new videos. I agree with Heart that you look great in the first video. I was having some trouble with viewing them though. They would lock up at times. (The second one locked up right when you were talking about boob grabs. :lol: But I wasn't able to get it going again like I did for the first one.) I'll probably try again later. I liked that there was no background noise to compete with in the second video but the sound wasn't as consistent and would go up and down. It may have been because you were looking around a lot. I don't think you need to worry about someone thinking you're weird for filming yourself talking out there. That is not weird at all. I liked when you switched to landscape mode in the second video. I've seen other people doing videos in portrait mode and I personally don't like that because it looks restricting or something. It looks more natural in landscape. In the first video did you say at work that you didn't wear shoes there? I got a chuckle about that. I thought the first video had really good, inspirational content.

Thank you! Yeah, it's getting colder now, so the long socks have come out, but sometimes I'll be in the server room shoe-less like a true hippie IT manager ;)

I have no idea why the video was so glitchy. I wonder if it takes a longer time for it to fully convert on their servers...hmmm. I had so much fun making the "Just Life" video though. I actually looked around today at some lavalier microphones that I could use as well as some possible ways to mount my phone. That way I can have better sound, pop filtering and wind noise reduction. I'm really glad I decided to try making these videos. It was always a hobby of mine as a kid, and it's been great to get back into it.

I have a trans friend who's younger than me going through a garbage situation and I just feel so helpless to stop any of it :(

:( I'm sorry to hear about your friend, can you just be there for them? Even if you can't help the situation? I know the worst times in my life were when things were degrading, but there was also no one there for me. Just being there can mean the world. *hugs* and good thoughts for your friend.

[Evren]

Sorry to interrupt, but here's a trans question that I've carried around for a while now.

Let's assume that there's a MtF and a FtM person. They're both unhappy with their lives in wrong bodies. Is it possible for them to be angry at each other, like they're telling each other "Whoa, you were born in the body I'd love to have but all you do is complaining..." or is there some kind of understanding each other because you're all in the wrong body boat?

Does this kind of hostility among trans people exist?

I more often have a severe desire to body swap. I can understand how people might be jealous of someone going in the opposite direction, but I always think that they probably feel just as out of place as I do in my own body. Besides if someone told me I should accept and love my body as it is, something I have actually heard a Youtuber say, I would be really pissed and possibly upset. So I am not going to pull that on someone else.

I have days where I wonder if I really am trans, where the dysphoria is mild and I can ignore it and it's all good. And then I have days like today, where I never want to leave my bed, and I get surprised every time I manage to catch a glimpse of my chest, and I wonder whether top surgery could possibly be performed in my own kitchen right then, and the stranger who looks out at me from the mirror is so upset, and I know that I am trans in all the ways that matter.

[ChillaKilla]

I have days where I wonder if I really am trans, where the dysphoria is mild and I can ignore it and it's all good. And then I have days like today, where I never want to leave my bed, and I get surprised every time I manage to catch a glimpse of my chest, and I wonder whether top surgery could possibly be performed in my own kitchen right then, and the stranger who looks out at me from the mirror is so upset, and I know that I am trans in all the ways that matter.

https://media3.giphy.com/media/13c2YVh83qgJRS/200_s.gif

[Evren]

I have a question for you all about trust. Recently I told my mother that I thought that if I was my true self that I would lose my entire family, they would hate me and never want to talk to me again, and I would be alone.

She said and I quote, "You cannot lose me, if you went outside right now and killed every man, woman and child in the court outside, I would visit you in jail every day, if you married a woman, I know that's something you've worried about telling people, I would still love you, you cannot lose me."

But I don't trust her, and I don't know why, she has never done anything except accept me, she accepted my dreams as a child and helped me make them come true, she has accepted everything that I have told her about how I might be autistic, and the parts I have told her about being queer.

I mean she also thinks that all of this is because my father abused me and some day it will magically go away, or it won't go away but it's still because my father abused me. And she doesn't think that that lifestyle is godly. But she doesn't harp on about it. and I told her that I really wasn't Christian anymore the other day and she didn't seem upset or anything, just told me not to tell my grandmother, because it would really upset her. (My grandmother is older, and I have no problem with not telling her that)

But I still feel like telling her that I am trans will instantly invalidate those reassurances. There's a quote from a fanfiction that I really like:

“What has happened to my beautiful daughter?” Mrs. Holmes says, distraught, fingers outstretched, reaching toward Sherlock’s newly-shorn head.

Sherlock looks up, eyes bright and full of something half manic, half exultant. “I killed her,” she says, viciously, and Mycroft wonders if he ought to have recognized the signs sooner.

I guess that I feel like all of those reassurances are to my shadow sister, the woman who doesn't exist and that by killing her in my mother's eyes, I will no longer have that love. I mean eventually I will just come out anyway I am sure, but how long will it be and how much more upset and depressed will I get before I can make myself do something that my mother might very well accept.

[Finn.]

Mmh. I'm tired but I'll do my best. I hope I'm not just rambling.

So your mom accepts and respect all the things you told her about yourself so far. So logically, coming out as trans should be okay too but you don't feel like it would be. You're worried it would be the final straw maybe?

I can relate to that I think. My mom also accepts and respect everything I told her about me. I hinted at asexuality/aromanticism, I came out as gay, I talked about a few mental health things. It's fine. The thing is, it was always a process. First she tries to ignore I ever told her x, then she tries to avoid speaking about it at all and is quite tense, then it's okay when I talk about it, then it becomes a thing we are able to discuss, then suddenly it's "cool" and she kind of uses it to make herself feel special (maybe it's just overcompensation). So, it's not really easy for her, obviously, but she has come to terms with it.

It's this thing. Once she told me (not specifically regarding myself but you know) that "you have to accept it if you don't want to lose your child". And that makes me cringe. She knows I would distance myself from her if she wouldn't accept me the way I am. So she does. But it feels inauthentic, forced. I asked her more than once about it, if she is okay with it, if she feels pressure from relatives or neighbors, she said no. But I can't help but feel like I am a burden. Or like she doesn't really believe me but takes my word for it.

And now there is this trans thing. I really felt the urge to share this about myself, so I came out as genderneutral. Nothing more, nothing less, just this word. Nothing changed for them, basically, so it's good. (I intentionally did it like that, so that nothing would change for them). I am glad to not be binary trans really, to not want to transition medically. I don't know, I feel like that would be too much for her to take at last. I told her about my name, she wasn't too happy about it, told me took keep it private, only amongst friends. I told her about considering breast reduction, she didn't really say anything in response. I got this strong feeling she wouldn't ever consider addressing me with something other than my birth name and pronouns. She accepts and respect me, but also it's like it's all just "too weird" now with the gender thing, too complicated.

I don't know about how it all went down with your mom, how your relationship and dynamic is. But maybe it's also these little things that make you feel uncertain and worried. That she only accepts you so she won't lose you? In the big picture she is accepting and respectful, but it's things like blaming it all on the past abuse that make a real difference, emotionally.

I guess it's like that: Coming out as ace, as gay is just something they "add" to the image they have of you, they take it out of the box when relevant and then put it back when not, otherwise you stay the old image (it's like, I'm just Finn. when we talk about dating it's "oh, right, Finn is queer!" and when we aren't it's back to just Finn again). But coming out as trans changes the whole image, you know. Nothing to put back anymore, it's a whole different image, the previous image is erased. And then there is this fear, that the new image isn't worthwile anymore, or even that there's anger about the old image being "stolen". Does this weird semi-metaphor make any sense? I'm too tired for rhetorical devices.

[Autumn Sunrise]

If you move to the Pacific Northwest, can we pretty please meet up in real life? I owe you, like, so many hugs. I'll throw a tea into the bargain too, to make up for having to deal with me in real life ;)

Hehehe, dealing with you? Nah! I'm sure it'd be a blast, with or without tea :P I actually discovered that direct non-stop, no-nonsense flights are pretty cheap to where I'd like to go if you leave from Boston, so fingers crossed I can do a fact-finding mission out there next spring!

Edit to update: Hadley!! You look great. I mean, sure, you look slightly tired, but you definitely look amazing still. In fact, considering you recorded this after a long day at work, I'm really genuinely impressed. Me after work... is not nearly as put together as that :P

Thank you! I was really pretty tired.

I decided today randomly that I'd like to start doing more video content, or at least more regular. But OTRWH videos tend to require a lot of physical setup and a lot of editing after the fact. Which I don't mind, but it takes time that I don't always have. So, I'm creating a companion series called "Just Life". And guess what? I shot the first one today!

I think my voice is a lot better with this style because I'm not trying to overcome the drone of the car, but I'm interested in what other people think. Enjoy!

Nice one, Hadley :) You have a cute smile, and your voice is nicely pitched and easy to listen to! (I liked the scenery too :D )

[Ix Phoen]

I have a question for you all about trust. Recently I told my mother that I thought that if I was my true self that I would lose my entire family, they would hate me and never want to talk to me again, and I would be alone.

She said and I quote, "You cannot lose me, if you went outside right now and killed every man, woman and child in the court outside, I would visit you in jail every day, if you married a woman, I know that's something you've worried about telling people, I would still love you, you cannot lose me."

But I don't trust her, and I don't know why, she has never done anything except accept me, she accepted my dreams as a child and helped me make them come true, she has accepted everything that I have told her about how I might be autistic, and the parts I have told her about being queer.

I mean she also thinks that all of this is because my father abused me and some day it will magically go away, or it won't go away but it's still because my father abused me. And she doesn't think that that lifestyle is godly. But she doesn't harp on about it. and I told her that I really wasn't Christian anymore the other day and she didn't seem upset or anything, just told me not to tell my grandmother, because it would really upset her. (My grandmother is older, and I have no problem with not telling her that)

We mothers (well, humans, really) like our stories, our reasons for why things work the way they do. My own stories about my children help me think they can heal somehow from the injury I know I caused them by staying with their abusive father too long. They help me cope with the fact that the state didn't allow me to remove them from his grasp entirely and they see him too often to escape his crazy beliefs. His abuse was primarily against me in our relationship, but I know he twists their minds with manipulative words so often that they don't even know what it's like to be comfortable as themselves in his presence.

I often wonder whether maybe the things they think are a core part of their identity are how their psyche fights for its identity and self protection. It's nothing terrible. If my daughter is (autistic, etc.) even after working with a therapist or whatever she chooses to do, then that is her life. I can understand that the word and its definition help her to see how she interacts with life in reality ... even if I wonder sometimes if it's my fault, if it's truly her or the result of her environment. In a way, I hold those stories because I'm afraid I screwed up her life. It would feel like I had decided it wasn't my fault, like I was claiming not to be responsible for terrible choices I made. I wonder if that would be a betrayal. Maybe the story keeps me humble.

I remember when I thought God had something to say about being gay or trans or anything other than cis-straight-Christian. And if my daughter had told me she was gay back then I'd have sounded a lot like your mom. "You can never lose me, even if you do something wrong." And I might have truly believed that being gay or trans was wrong ...

... but I would have watched you become more whole by living as your true self, too. And being more whole is a convincing argument for a mother who loves her child.

For me, it didn't even have to be my own children. I watched others become more whole. I watched gay relationships that were healthier, stronger, and more beautiful than the ugly thing I had thought was "holy matrimony" in my own life. And I realized that God (the rapidly transforming image I had of that creature, anyway) always sides with beauty, if a god has anything to say at all.

I decided that any relationship based on integrity and love, no matter the gender of the partners, had to be holier than what I had fallen into with the full support (and binding control) of the Church and all I used to believe. That, I knew, was not a holy thing at all.

And it didn't take much research to realize that the same is true of gender. For trans individuals it's a matter of integrity, of living the truth with honesty within relationships. And personal truth and integrity are of higher value to me than religious rules. I've seen the end result of blindly living by those rules against my own integrity, and it's not a humble, honest, loving, compassionate, or any other healthy sort of character influence.

So give your mother a chance. I think she has made it clear you can convince her by living the beauty of your whole self gay, trans, ace, and so on. Because love is convinced by wholeness more than words could ever convey. And your mother does love you, according to your description of her.

When she comes around completely to the point of celebrating what was so hard to accept, celebrate with her. She probably feels like some corruption has been cleaned out of her mind and body, allowing her to see more clearly and love more honestly than before. That's how I feel, anyway, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

[butterflydreams]

Holy crap, Ix...I, I just have something in both my eyes

Evren, Ix is right. I know it's hard to trust that what your mom is saying will be true, but it sounds like she's extending a hand to you. I don't generally suggest "having faith" in anything, but this is something I think you can safely bet on, especially because she's basically laid it out for you. Heck, even I have faith that my mom will come around to me. If you bet on nothing else in life, bet on this. Your mom loves you, and you living your truth is showing your mom that you love her back. *hugs*

[Mezzo Forte]

Woot! I can hardly believe how long it's been! Wow! 5 whole months! How was the haircut this time? I know there was a lot of back and forth and thinking about the last one? Did you feel more confident about this one?

Thanks Hadley, this haircut is definitely much better than my last one, so I'm definitely feeling more confident with this cut. :) In fact, I've been having some little moments of passing as male just around campus, from the not-so-subtle moments like when people handing out advertisements called me "this guy," to those more ambiguous moments like when the cashier at Starbucks misheard my name, but mistook it for a different distinctly masculine name.

Aww, thank you! My bread and butter ride is actually a 60 mile loop, but I haven't done it this year since it was a recovery year. I was definitely more relaxed in this one, so I'm glad that showed. I realized that if I get it in my head that, "yes, you are passing a lot of the time and yes, you are just a woman," I tend to relax in overdrive. I noticed that if I can get to that place, and let the worries go, and allow myself to see myself as I am, I feel so much better. I really hope transition continues to make that place easier to get to.

You definitely are an amazing woman Hadley, and I'm so glad that you're starting to reach a point where you can relax and just be. If you're moving in any direction thanks to transition, I imagine that you're moving towards that place each day :)

EDIT: oh, and I should probably mention that I came out to my ethnomusicology professor. :) He's one of the few professors who I've worked with ever since my very first semester of undergrad 5+ years ago, so I'm glad I finally told him. He calls me by my chosen name now, and I get to start signing off my academic work with that name too since I'm in one of his courses. I didn't get around to coming out to my colleagues in the course before they heard the professor call me by that name, but even if they didn't catch on, I'll fill them in soon enough.

[binary suns]

I couldn't find the thread where the discussion was happening. but I remember chilla and finn were both mad at me, and naturally hadly was reading the thread, and evren I remember was there too, so, I can say my update here on the thing.

i know you all hate me for being bigotted. and I am sorry for being rude about what I said, I am no good at conversing and got overexcited.

but thank you for tolerating me enough to voice your opinions in response.

I don't wish to bring the discussion here.

but you deserve an update from me so you can see how you have changed my perspective and understand that I am coming with assumptions, not with dictations.

but I find that "gender is a binary" is not the same as "the gender binary" because this thing that we call "the gender binary" is indead very oppressive of a thing.

I wish that we didn't use "gender nonbinary" as a word 'cause it's kinda confusing. I still stand by that. and I still stand by my stance that sex is two and gender is based on sex, therefor in a way two.

but imo that literal interpretation of the words is irrelevant.

it is true that I recognize how diverse gender identity is. I wish that we didn't call it gender, that we took the time to call it gender identy, but I am the incorrect one for refusing to acknowledge the flow of language.

I also know nothing about the genderqueer community outside of the FtM/MtF trans community. and should not hold oppinions regarding anyone who is not FtM or MtF but is also not cis, and additionally should not voice said opinions anyway. so I'm sorry I did that.

generally I keep quite about the oppinions I'm referring to because I recognize they are the way I am able to process the world for my specific case, and idk.

I don't want to talk about such controversial things, especially not in this thread. but I just wanted to apologize for what I had said and also. thank you for letting me know your thoughts on the subject in that thread.

[binary suns]

I'm gonna try to finally spend more time here.

my mom is blowing me away with the effort she's taken in learning about this stuff. she's very well educated from the looks of it now. as a person I hope to get away from her home as soon as I can... but I really appreciate how much she cars and shows it. I feel comfortable talking to her like a peer instead of avoiding her like a cis/prejudiced stranger now. I feel lucky.

I am trying to reach the HRT thinger now. I need to call them. I called them today but they were at lunch.

oh, when I went in to my doctors. well my doctor was the first person I came out to. but that was the last (and first) time I saw her, 9 months ago. this time when I went, the nurse called for teagan :o even tho I had to fill out my legal name at the front desk for paperwork's sake. and I forget what was said exactly, but the doctor lady naturally conversed with me about one trans issue that was relevant to the issue and i felt totally conversational comfortable about the way she slipped into the topic. I totally forget what topic it was anyway lol.


please excuse me for any time that I struggle to maintain conversation with y'all here tho. there is a lot of text, and a lot of different but similar topics, and between those two qualities, that's recipe for a confused Teagan. I will attempt to follow along as best I can. but I will default to strictly updates if I have to, for the sake of feeling like a part of the community I am, in fact a part of. :redface:

oh i just realised the other reason why i have a hard time here. some times the same thing that we have to deal with, is a thing we feel positive about, while in other circumstances it is frustrating! sometimes similar things are good for someone FtM that is bad for someone MtF. so I have a hard time reading into the emotional experience of a short post, since there is no body language to tell me how y'all feel, and so I'm afraid I'll go "yay" when I should go "aw hugs" and times when I'll go "aw hugs" when I should go "yayay"

so I will try my best.

also I preface my participation with the acknowledgement that you can hate me if you want. I am ok with that. I mean I guess when people are mad they want the person they're mad at to be affected by it, so if you are mad at me I'm sorry that I am not affected. but also, people are prone to be mad but then embarrassed about it and feel awkward. so for those people. stay mad at me, it's really ok. ignore me if you need to. dis me if you want to, I can handle it. but don't leave because I arrive. I don't want you to feel unsafe cause of me. the worst I can do is say stupid things. and you can call me out on them if I do. and since this isn't a thread about oppinions, I don't have an interest in pushing them on anyone. if I say something stupid, call me out on it, say "wow teagan when you said "

" that was real dumb" and regardless of how I feel I will apologize and then keep quiet about it.

[Dodecahedron314]

I couldn't find the thread where the discussion was happening. but I remember chilla and finn were both mad at me, and naturally hadly was reading the thread, and evren I remember was there too, so, I can say my update here on the thing.

i know you all hate me for being bigotted. and I am sorry for being rude about what I said, I am no good at conversing and got overexcited.

but thank you for tolerating me enough to voice your opinions in response.

I don't wish to bring the discussion here.

but you deserve an update from me so you can see how you have changed my perspective and understand that I am coming with assumptions, not with dictations.

but I find that "gender is a binary" is not the same as "the gender binary" because this thing that we call "the gender binary" is indead very oppressive of a thing.

I wish that we didn't use "gender nonbinary" as a word 'cause it's kinda confusing. I still stand by that. and I still stand by my stance that sex is two and gender is based on sex, therefor in a way two.

but imo that literal interpretation of the words is irrelevant.

it is true that I recognize how diverse gender identity is. I wish that we didn't call it gender, that we took the time to call it gender identy, but I am the incorrect one for refusing to acknowledge the flow of language.

I also know nothing about the genderqueer community outside of the FtM/MtF trans community. and should not hold oppinions regarding anyone who is not FtM or MtF but is also not cis, and additionally should not voice said opinions anyway. so I'm sorry I did that.

generally I keep quite about the oppinions I'm referring to because I recognize they are the way I am able to process the world for my specific case, and idk.

I don't want to talk about such controversial things, especially not in this thread. but I just wanted to apologize for what I had said and also. thank you for letting me know your thoughts on the subject in that thread.

I'm gonna try to finally spend more time here.

my mom is blowing me away with the effort she's taken in learning about this stuff. she's very well educated from the looks of it now. as a person I hope to get away from her home as soon as I can... but I really appreciate how much she cars and shows it. I feel comfortable talking to her like a peer instead of avoiding her like a cis/prejudiced stranger now. I feel lucky.

I am trying to reach the HRT thinger now. I need to call them. I called them today but they were at lunch.

oh, when I went in to my doctors. well my doctor was the first person I came out to. but that was the last (and first) time I saw her, 9 months ago. this time when I went, the nurse called for teagan :o even tho I had to fill out my legal name at the front desk for paperwork's sake. and I forget what was said exactly, but the doctor lady naturally conversed with me about one trans issue that was relevant to the issue and i felt totally conversational comfortable about the way she slipped into the topic. I totally forget what topic it was anyway lol.

please excuse me for any time that I struggle to maintain conversation with y'all here tho. there is a lot of text, and a lot of different but similar topics, and between those two qualities, that's recipe for a confused Teagan. I will attempt to follow along as best I can. but I will default to strictly updates if I have to, for the sake of feeling like a part of the community I am, in fact a part of. :redface:

oh i just realised the other reason why i have a hard time here. some times the same thing that we have to deal with, is a thing we feel positive about, while in other circumstances it is frustrating! sometimes similar things are good for someone FtM that is bad for someone MtF. so I have a hard time reading into the emotional experience of a short post, since there is no body language to tell me how y'all feel, and so I'm afraid I'll go "yay" when I should go "aw hugs" and times when I'll go "aw hugs" when I should go "yayay"

so I will try my best.

also I preface my participation with the acknowledgement that you can hate me if you want. I am ok with that. I mean I guess when people are mad they want the person they're mad at to be affected by it, so if you are mad at me I'm sorry that I am not affected. but also, people are prone to be mad but then embarrassed about it and feel awkward. so for those people. stay mad at me, it's really ok. ignore me if you need to. dis me if you want to, I can handle it. but don't leave because I arrive. I don't want you to feel unsafe cause of me. the worst I can do is say stupid things. and you can call me out on them if I do. and since this isn't a thread about oppinions, I don't have an interest in pushing them on anyone. if I say something stupid, call me out on it, say "wow teagan when you said "

" that was real dumb" and regardless of how I feel I will apologize and then keep quiet about it.

Aw jeez Teagan, I feel kind of responsible for this now because I was one of the people who was getting a little...vehement at some of the things you said in that thread. You've recognized the gap in your knowledge of other people's experiences, and while I still disagree with some of your statements, the beating of the proverbial dead horse stops here. It's clear that some people were coming at the topic from different levels of personal involvement in it than others, with whatever implications in either direction that may have, and so since that's been established I won't hold that against you, and I hope no one else will either. Nobody hates you, and nobody wants this thread to be unwelcoming for you. You belong here just as much as anyone else here does. It's all about respect in both directions.

[binary suns]

no need to feel bad. I'm a strange individual, I make people mad as quickly as I make friends. I feel bad for angering others, it wasn't my intention to hurt, I was blinded by my own frustration at a specific set of individuals.

[ChillaKilla]

Ahaha... I went on a sunset cruise yesterday out off of Hilton Head, South Carolina. I didn't pass particularly well, but that's not my main goal, and I thought I looked pretty androgynous!

(Pic whoring commence)

We also saw some dolphins!

[Emery.]

I have a strange question. If girls wear dresses and guys wear shirts, so it's like, more formal than jeans-and-a-t-shirt, but not very formal, what do you enbies wear? What do you think of rollneck+watch, or of shirt + sweater over it, or just blouse+jacket?

[Finn.]

I have a strange question. If girls wear dresses and guys wear shirts, so it's like, more formal than jeans-and-a-t-shirt, but not very formal, what do you enbies wear? What do you think of rollneck+watch, or of shirt + sweater over it, or just blouse+jacket?

Mmm. You could go with jeans and a dressier shirt and a tie / bow-tie?

http://cdn9.lbstatic.nu/files/looks/large/2013/08/03/3202532_LOOK.jpg?1375554712

I also like vests! A simple t shirt and a vest plus jeans

http://www.thefashionmanual.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/kenneth_cole_tonal_plaid_vest_pkcp-5123584v275.jpg

Or maybe a blazer or cardigan?

http://67.media.tumblr.com/184f15362f934cb36c19f6e99026eb8e/tumblr_ms7b7sNcRQ1sbp0fto1_1280.jpg

http://bstylish.info/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/casual-blazer-look-for-menmens-fashion-basics-----part-14-----6-items-you-should-own-fashionbeans-ll1ubvp7.jpg

http://bstylish.info/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/navy-blue-cardigan-menbasics-life-printed-navy-blue-cardigans---buy-men-sweaters-online-wwoqqalc.jpg

I hope the links work, I just googled a bit

[binary suns]

I totally wanted to kiss that middle link's person. such a cutie. that gaze.

I now have an intake appointment set up, and a new patient interview, for getting into an HRT program. shucks that it took me this long to make the call, 'cause I have to wait til december for the second thing, and then there's a third thing I have to make appointment for after that second thing, and idk if that third thing is the start of HRT or if HRT first appointment is even further after that.

better late than never.

did I mention or nah? I really like my avatar. when I wrote it up I didn't really expect much. and the whole time I was kinda frustrated because most or some of the features at every point was wrong because the default was being displayed. I even had to go back and fidget a little with one I already did because the perspective changed after I did the next feature.

but at the end once I finished the first face I did, I was blown away with how I recognized myself all of a sudden. I mean everything is slightly off in some way. but still. I ended up changing the hairdo a few times, and settled on a hairdo I wanna be able to wear someday, rather than the one I have now. I had originally had a different shirt too, but when I downloaded it, the boyishness of the shirt depressed me, so I switched it to a more open v-neck.

with this avatar I feel kind of inspired. it's funny how much more feminine I feel as I walk around, there's a bounce to my step now, all because my aven avatar is me, and is female. I even can bear to look at my face in the mirror for longer than a split second, omg. what is this magic lol. it's as if I look at my face and see a woman instead of a man. almost, not quite tho.

[butterflydreams]

Chilla you look great! I don't think I've ever seen a dolphin in real life before. Very cool :)

[binary suns]

this thought is more negative, heads up.

I really want a wardrobe change. I don't feel like I deserve it, it's so costly to do, and I don't even know enough about style that I'm just going to f' it up and look too hilarious to be accepted in society.

today my parents told me about how they saw a movie about a transgirl. and I was so critical with everything they said. oh, great, let's look at the shadow reflection of another person in order to understand Teagan. oh, it was a wonderful story with a lot of positive endings to negative events. oh, it was so amazing how much they were aware of who they are, it was really impressive, and didn't misrepresent the fact that up until that point of self-discovery, we tend to have no fucking clue who we are or what we're doing and aren't completely second-guessing everything we say to ourselves and everything we choose to do.

I felt so awful, I just didn't even care that they were reaching out at all. I guess in my defense whenever I tried to tell them about how I feel and what I experience, they just say "oh you should be talking to a therapist about this, and not to us"