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Do any of you have sort of... I was going to say inspirational, but that's not the word I was looking for... uhh... videos or whatever of people who transitioned, who gave you the motivation/encouragement to transition, that made you think, yeah, actually I can do this?

I know a lot of folks document their transition on YouTube or personal websites, blogs etc. I make a point of reading and watching other people's transitions, but I don't always... feel good after some of them. I only feel kinda emotional and encouraged by a very select few, and I guess it's because I see a little of myself in these guys, before, during and after their transitions. Some are just kinda "meh".

So yeah. Anyone get this? Anyone get goofy over a particular video or trans person?

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butterflydreams

So yeah. Anyone get this? Anyone get goofy over a particular video or trans person?

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpwCMJUbYfZgb66qHu5_JZQKristin's Trans Life was honestly the one that really helped me believe I could do it. Everything she said in her handful of videos struck me so hard. I never knew other people felt the way I did, until I saw her videos (not ashamed to admit that I cried during more than one of them). And the fact that she was exactly my age when she started transitioning really made me feel like, no, it's not too late, you can do this.

I've honestly kind of wondered whether or not I should do something like that myself. I like making videos after all. The problem is that I don't feel like anyone would want to watch me, or hear anything I have to say. I'm not really pretty, or super passable. And for better or worse I ask myself "why would anyone want to listen to what you have to say if they could watch videos by Princess Joules, or A Girl for All Seasons, or any number of other passable, "easy-to-digest" trans people?"

I'm also not super interested in more "social justice-y" kinds of trans people, which there tends to be a lot of on youtube. I mean, if that's your thing, cool, but it's horribly unrepresentative of my life experience. Perhaps somewhat strangely, I do actually really enjoy videos by trans guys, because a lot of the experience is similar, and with them, I don't have so many feelings of being inferior that I do watching trans women. If I see a trans guy that passes really well, I think, "there's a trans guy that passes really well." If I see a trans woman that passes really well, I think, "ugh, this and this and this are wrong with me, I'll never be like that, etc, etc."

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Calligraphette_Coe

Do any of you have sort of... I was going to say inspirational, but that's not the word I was looking for... uhh... videos or whatever of people who transitioned, who gave you the motivation/encouragement to transition, that made you think, yeah, actually I can do this?

I know a lot of folks document their transition on YouTube or personal websites, blogs etc. I make a point of reading and watching other people's transitions, but I don't always... feel good after some of them. I only feel kinda emotional and encouraged by a very select few, and I guess it's because I see a little of myself in these guys, before, during and after their transitions. Some are just kinda "meh".

So yeah. Anyone get this? Anyone get goofy over a particular video or trans person?

Maybe Kate Bornstein and Leslie Feinberg. I know about 20 years ago, I wrote personal letters to some people, and they always blew me off. Even though I was always inclusive on Usenet (or, maybe that was why? It put them off that I didn't do things 'the proper way', but thanks to that damn birth defect in the middle of my brain, what else could I do?).

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butterflydreams

I hate to do this, but so many people here are trusted friends. Something I'm not exactly swimming in in real life. I'm trying to find good pictures of myself, especially ones where my face isn't obscured. I really like sunglasses, but too often I use them to hide my face, which actually makes me really sad. I took this picture at lunch today. In the first 5 seconds of seeing it, I thought, "wow, you look so good. Very feminine." But then, as always, upon later review, she's gone. I'm wondering what people here think. No filters. No face obscured by sunglasses. Not my favorite outfit or me at my very very best. Just me.

IMG_0419.jpg

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I hate to do this, but so many people here are trusted friends. Something I'm not exactly swimming in in real life. I'm trying to find good pictures of myself, especially ones where my face isn't obscured. I really like sunglasses, but too often I use them to hide my face, which actually makes me really sad. I took this picture at lunch today. In the first 5 seconds of seeing it, I thought, "wow, you look so good. Very feminine." But then, as always, upon later review, she's gone. I'm wondering what people here think. No filters. No face obscured by sunglasses. Not my favorite outfit or me at my very very best. Just me.

IMG_0419.jpg

You have a sweet smile, and your hairstyle suits you. You look more feminine than many women I've met.

It's okay not to see the best of yourself so long as you understand that you're dealing with filters built into your brain that warp what you see. Also, photos are frozen. They don't capture the way your body language and the shift of expressions also illuminate your femininity. While I know it's frustrating, this reaction to photos of yourself is very common and isn't exclusive to trans-dysphoria. Stereotypically speaking, you could say it's very feminine of you, though I understand some men struggle to accept their appearance, too.

I've heard that flipping a photo left to right can sometimes help with that instinctive reaction of "not right" that takes over.

Due to our highly visual media, most of us have times when the uglifier in our heads replaces the gentle honesty of love and acceptance that those who treasure and appreciate us always apply when they look at us.

Looking at you, I see someone lovely, with a gentle face. Reading your thoughts here, I know you're admirable and that the more I know you the more I will only see beauty when looking at you. It can be hard, but it's worth it to learn how to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you!" like a true friend would. (I did that once, on repeat, until I cried. You have no idea how therapeutic it was to accept myself, even if only for an hour.)

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I've honestly kind of wondered whether or not I should do something like that myself. I like making videos after all. The problem is that I don't feel like anyone would want to watch me, or hear anything I have to say. I'm not really pretty, or super passable. And for better or worse I ask myself "why would anyone want to listen to what you have to say if they could watch videos by Princess Joules, or A Girl for All Seasons, or any number of other passable, "easy-to-digest" trans people?"

Perhaps somewhat strangely, I do actually really enjoy videos by trans guys, because a lot of the experience is similar, and with them, I don't have so many feelings of being inferior that I do watching trans women. If I see a trans guy that passes really well, I think, "there's a trans guy that passes really well." If I see a trans woman that passes really well, I think, "ugh, this and this and this are wrong with me, I'll never be like that, etc, etc."

I think this is why it would be great for you to do videos, too. There isn't only one "type" of woman. They don't all look like models, and I think it's a shame that trans women get trapped by those stupid stereotypes, too, when there are so many kinds of beauty out there. Add to the variety! We need it.

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^ I second Ix up there, Hads. The less like the people who already have videos on youtube that you are, the more that people out there who are like you need you to make videos, if that makes sense. There is no such thing as "the" trans woman. There are as many trans women types as there are trans women. And I'm sure you're not the only one who looks out into the world and sees only trans women who pass better than you; there's a large selection bias for videos on youtube to favour those who "pass" in a certain way that society deems "acceptable" or "pretty".

I promise that you're beautiful. Your picture above proves it (it is gorgeous by the way, I love how natural you look!). But I think we need non-social justice focused trans women making videos, and trans women making videos when they aren't in their favourite most feminine getup for the same reason we need to see more cis women that feel comfortable without make up on TV. If all we ever see is people who fit the conventional parameters perfectly, it's discouraging.

So, in my opinion, you pass extremely well and are beautiful. No, your face is not caked in make up. Some people prefer to be completely made up, but I don't and I suspect you don't either. However, the selection bias for youtube videos means we see more of the ones who do themselves up to follow society's rules than those that don't, so never think you're unusual just because you don't see people like you on youtube. All that means is that you have a chance to make your own mark ;)

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ChillaKilla

>an egoist hops on the sharing selfie train

>ignore the grumpy face

13769338_1733441193585979_19692664024692

>how to change image size as to not be enormous

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Gentle Giant

Beautiful posts, Ix Phoen and Heart! I also think that Hadley should make the videos as there are people just like her who need guidance and a role model.

Both Hadley and Chilla's pics are great!

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I'm in travel right now so not too much time to read everything but I will for sure when I come back home and don't have a rollercoaster there.

Lots of things are happening for me right now, I'm probably moving to a new place, changing a uni and course of study, trying to get a car, a job and a confirmation of my faith. I'm not too religious in general but prayer (Lord's prayer, notabene) saved me from breaking down psychologically, so it's my private debt to the God, no matter if I believe or not, to get a confirmation. I promised and I'm keeping my word.

When it comes to gender... I thought about it a deal. They don't show you how the sausage is made, do they? I've come to a full understanding of all that, I firmly believe I do. And I decided that apart from few people who know, nobody will know and I'm going to make it as an somewhat androgynous woman. To be clear, I'm not rejecting my nature or doing something against myself, like not transitioning when I want to. The thing is, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of transitioning. I believe that each one of us in here has an inborn conflict with regard to gender. For some, transition is the solution of that conflict. For some, it's not. I would loose too much, quite simply, and I have worked trough my problems. Like not being able to feel female, with a strong udentification with men. It was important for me to understand that whatever people say, it is not my obligation to feel female in any measure to live as a female and be female, and that there is nothing wrong with feeling male in my situation either, and I can live like that too, and don't owe anything to anyone, and my self-concept is entirely up to me. I decided to live as unapologetically gender non-conforming female to the outside world, and to me: as just me, whatever they think or say about it, I completely have the right to be a guy my way, even if nobody else agrees that I am one. I'm happy with all the things I did, I would not reverse any of them. I'm going to get even some more masc clothing and... Live on and not give a damn. :) That's probably the end of story.

Btw, H&M has nice slacks and shirts in the women's section right now.

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butterflydreams

Looking very cool there, Chilla! I really dig your hair!

To everyone, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for your kind words. <3 It's so weird to think of myself as passable at all. It makes me think, hey, maybe going swimming at your favorite beach on the lake won't be bad. Maybe it'll be fun! Maybe going camping by yourself will be fun. There's still plenty of summer left for these things.

Ix, you make such a great point about photos being static. And I think everybody raised really good points about making videos. I actually have a pretty extensive Vimeo channel. I think the community on YouTube is probably wider, but it's an awful lot more toxic. Even the most passable people still get so much hate. I mean, it's mostly trolls, but negativity is negativity, and I'd certainly rather not invite that into my life.

I've been practicing using a new camera I got and a setup to record in my car while I'm driving. I think I'd like to make a video like that. It seems a lot more interesting than just sitting there talking on camera. I've done a little bit of that kind of thing, but maybe I should script something and really make an effort instead of just hitting record and winging it. I'll definitely share here if I can make it happen.

Something I'm working on a lot in therapy right now is acknowledging the positive that I have done, and relying on that to inform that my future isn't as hopeless as it so often seems. I'm a few weeks away my 1 year anniversary of starting transition. With all the stuff that's happened, with how much I've grown...even asserting myself to my mother, I think I owe it to myself to acknowledge and celebrate this milestone.

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Mezzo Forte

That awkward moment when you're invited to a "girl's night" by someone who doesn't know you're trans, but you don't want to be antisocial and turn the invitation down. (She hasn't seen my haircut yet, so this should be fun :lol: ) It'll be like playing a protagonist in the most asexual harem anime ever created, and I'll be the only one who knows it :P

That said, I am slowly letting the cat out of the bag. I had my sis out me to some of our mutual friends, and they were all great about it. My parents are trying their hardest to call me by my chosen name (which is especially funny because they sometimes get the name right, but the pronouns wrong). They struggle so much with it that I began to wonder if I really chose the right name, but my sister says it so naturally that I realize that I was just projecting transition anxiety onto the name. My brother told my niece that I'm thinking about changing my name, so she said "okay!" and walked off. Later, she came back and asked what name I was thinking of, and when my brother told her my chosen name, she said "okay!" and walked off. She'll be 10 next month, and I think she'll react just fine to my transition. I think my nephew will be fine with it too, but I don't think my brother dropped hints for him yet.

(There's still a voice in the back of my head that tells me "it's only a matter of time until you get a bad reaction." I really hope it's wrong, but I'm nervous about more of my music peers/mentors knowing. I feel like there's a greater mix of conservative/liberal within the school of music than within my mutual friends with my sister, so coming out to my fellow musicians feels more risky.)

Looking good, Chilla! I don't really have a lot of pictures I want to load up on this selfie train, but maybe I'll take some musician action shots in the future. (I haven't done that in a while, I think because the dysphoria made it harder and harder to record myself.)

Hadley, I hope that you can enjoy the summer to its fullest without worry. (I'm sure that it goes without saying that I think you look stunning, as always.) :) It's nice to keep busy sometimes, so I hope you get to enjoy some camping, swimming, and plenty of other fun summer activities! (Coincidentally, I'm actually going camping this weekend with my best friend, so that should be fun.)

I get why you'd hesitate with YouTube, because the amount of vitriol directed at women is nauseating. Maybe this is connected to the "vibes" concept you mentioned a while back, but I never really dealt with a lot of the more blatant sexism on a personal level. I've never been catcalled, I've only had a small handful of creepers ever hit on me, and I never had issues playing online games. I have dealt with sexism in other forms, but I was weirdly spared while my twin got the brunt of it. Seeing people treat my sister like that absolutely disgusts me, and I fear for her when she starts streaming. Still, your video idea sounds fun! I'd say try both scripting and ad-libbing to what feels better for you. (Plus, with passenger seats in the car, you have flexibility to do things like bring in guests if you wanted.)

Congrats on nearing the one year mark! You definitely deserve to celebrate with everything you've accomplished so far :)

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ChillaKilla

If Hadley made videos I'd totally watch! :D

Looking good, Chilla! I don't really have a lot of pictures I want to load up on this selfie train, but maybe I'll take some musician action shots in the future. (I haven't done that in a while, I think because the dysphoria made it harder and harder to record myself.)

Looking very cool there, Chilla! I really dig your hair!

Looking amazing Chilla!

Both Hadley and Chilla's pics are great!

bc7.png

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butterflydreams

That said, I am slowly letting the cat out of the bag. I had my sis out me to some of our mutual friends, and they were all great about it. My parents are trying their hardest to call me by my chosen name (which is especially funny because they sometimes get the name right, but the pronouns wrong). They struggle so much with it that I began to wonder if I really chose the right name, but my sister says it so naturally that I realize that I was just projecting transition anxiety onto the name. My brother told my niece that I'm thinking about changing my name, so she said "okay!" and walked off. Later, she came back and asked what name I was thinking of, and when my brother told her my chosen name, she said "okay!" and walked off. She'll be 10 next month, and I think she'll react just fine to my transition. I think my nephew will be fine with it too, but I don't think my brother dropped hints for him yet.

Yay!! :cake: If I could convince you of one thing it would be that the name/pronoun stuff can be rocky at first. It doesn't mean you're wrong, or that the name choice was bad. A few people I've talked to have said they really liked my name, so if I ever have doubts (and I do) I remind myself that 1) the name has meaning to me and 2) other people like it too. I was talking to my brother a few weeks ago about it. I said I wasn't 100% on it, even after all this time, and that I definitely had other names I liked too, like Megan. He made the grossest face at me :lol: "Omg, dude, no."

(There's still a voice in the back of my head that tells me "it's only a matter of time until you get a bad reaction." I really hope it's wrong, but I'm nervous about more of my music peers/mentors knowing. I feel like there's a greater mix of conservative/liberal within the school of music than within my mutual friends with my sister, so coming out to my fellow musicians feels more risky.)

As is repeated ad nauseam here, YMMV, but I think you might be very surprised in this regard. If you don't count my parents, reactions I've gotten have ranged from very positive, to one of the service guys at work saying "cool" while eating his sandwich. I think a lot of that comes from being in tune to who I associate with. I had already tended to associate with people who would be receptive, and I tend to avoid people who likely won't be. You might not even realize you're doing that. From experience, I know that nothing I can say will take away the nervousness. Heck, even now I'm still nervous if I have to tell someone. But another thing to keep in mind is there are some people who just don't need to know. Even if you're not passing at all. All the random 3rd party contractors and stuff I have to work with at my job? It's a non issue. I don't bring it up. They can think whatever they want. If they give me grief, well guess what, I'll find someone else.

I get why you'd hesitate with YouTube, because the amount of vitriol directed at women is nauseating. Maybe this is connected to the "vibes" concept you mentioned a while back, but I never really dealt with a lot of the more blatant sexism on a personal level. I've never been catcalled, I've only had a small handful of creepers ever hit on me, and I never had issues playing online games. I have dealt with sexism in other forms, but I was weirdly spared while my twin got the brunt of it. Seeing people treat my sister like that absolutely disgusts me, and I fear for her when she starts streaming. Still, your video idea sounds fun! I'd say try both scripting and ad-libbing to what feels better for you. (Plus, with passenger seats in the car, you have flexibility to do things like bring in guests if you wanted.)

Congrats on nearing the one year mark! You definitely deserve to celebrate with everything you've accomplished so far :)

I'd say the amount of vitriol on youtube in general is nauseating. In a weird way, it's nice that everyone is sort of "level" in that way. Doesn't really matter who or what you are, someone's going to hate on you for it. A bit discouraging.

I actually dealt with a lot more sexism and sexual harassment when I was in high school and college as a guy. That experience, and just getting older, helped me toughen up, and not carry myself in a way that makes me look like a target. I'm hopeful that it'll serve me well as I go forward in life, too.

Thanks! I've been saying for months "if I get to a year, I'm throwing a party, or doing something awesome, I don't even care!" but I don't know what to do. Maybe just something small that's nice. Or taking myself out to dinner or something. Anything to show myself that I'm proud of myself.

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Mezzo Forte

(There's still a voice in the back of my head that tells me "it's only a matter of time until you get a bad reaction." I really hope it's wrong, but I'm nervous about more of my music peers/mentors knowing. I feel like there's a greater mix of conservative/liberal within the school of music than within my mutual friends with my sister, so coming out to my fellow musicians feels more risky.)

As is repeated ad nauseam here, YMMV, but I think you might be very surprised in this regard. If you don't count my parents, reactions I've gotten have ranged from very positive, to one of the service guys at work saying "cool" while eating his sandwich. I think a lot of that comes from being in tune to who I associate with. I had already tended to associate with people who would be receptive, and I tend to avoid people who likely won't be. You might not even realize you're doing that. From experience, I know that nothing I can say will take away the nervousness. Heck, even now I'm still nervous if I have to tell someone. But another thing to keep in mind is there are some people who just don't need to know. Even if you're not passing at all. All the random 3rd party contractors and stuff I have to work with at my job? It's a non issue. I don't bring it up. They can think whatever they want. If they give me grief, well guess what, I'll find someone else.

I probably sound like a broken record with how often I bring up the same exact concerns over and over again, so forgive me if this is the 12th time you've heard me voice the same exact worries. :P (You'd think that as a musician, I'd be looking to sound more like a working record!) I think having months of buildup isn't helping me in this regard, since so many scenarios keep stewing in my mind.

(Honestly, people who see me as feminine still read my haircut as such, so a lot of the administrative music faculty I've run into so far called my haircut "cute." It's possible that people won't pick up on the transition stuff at all, and I don't know if that's worse. I also just got ma'am'd earlier today for the first time since I got my haircut. >> )

Thanks! I've been saying for months "if I get to a year, I'm throwing a party, or doing something awesome, I don't even care!" but I don't know what to do. Maybe just something small that's nice. Or taking myself out to dinner or something. Anything to show myself that I'm proud of myself.

The sentiment of doing something in celebration makes anything you decide to do feel nicer :) I remember right after I got my first T shot, I wanted to celebrate, but sis was at work and no local friends know even now, so I went to a waffle joint alone and I vividly remember how amazing that cinnamon roll waffle tasted. (My sis and I later celebrated with ice cream, but I remember the solo celebration more vividly.) Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will feel special because of how far you've come :)

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butterflydreams

(Honestly, people who see me as feminine still read my haircut as such, so a lot of the administrative music faculty I've run into so far called my haircut "cute." It's possible that people won't pick up on the transition stuff at all, and I don't know if that's worse. I also just got ma'am'd earlier today for the first time since I got my haircut. >> )

As someone who's seen what you look like, even pre-haircut, I have to say, I find this baffling :P But then, I guess it's that, "I've only known you as a guy" kind of thing. But hey, maybe that's a confidence booster?

I kind of think that people are weird when it comes to one-off random interactions that include gender. I was actually surprised standing at the grocery store, skirt, visible boobage, and the cashier says to the manager, "oh, his card won't scan". It's not malicious, and I don't even think it means I'm not passing. I almost think it's because people are on such cruise control, they don't pick up on things, or just aren't paying attention. Maybe she only heard my voice?

I think my point is to not beat yourself up over it. It hurts, yes, but most of the time, it's not done maliciously. I work to remind myself that random people I encounter on my errands? I don't really care about them...especially if they're not being malicious. From their point of view, they don't know. They might be trying their best.

Thanks! I've been saying for months "if I get to a year, I'm throwing a party, or doing something awesome, I don't even care!" but I don't know what to do. Maybe just something small that's nice. Or taking myself out to dinner or something. Anything to show myself that I'm proud of myself.

The sentiment of doing something in celebration makes anything you decide to do feel nicer :) I remember right after I got my first T shot, I wanted to celebrate, but sis was at work and no local friends know even now, so I went to a waffle joint alone and I vividly remember how amazing that cinnamon roll waffle tasted. (My sis and I later celebrated with ice cream, but I remember the solo celebration more vividly.) Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will feel special because of how far you've come :)

I love this! <3

This is so the kind of thing I'd do. I don't really remember my first...well, patch, but I do remember walking out of the doctor's office the day I got my prescription. I went to the bike store a few blocks away to get new tires. I even chatted with the sales guy there about different kinds of tires. On my way back to my car, I remember I texted my brother to say I did it. I remember where exactly I was when I sent the message, and I remember my hands were shaking.

Maybe this would be a good topic for my first video :)

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Autumn Sunrise

Hadley, you said, about your picture, "But then, as always, upon later review, she's gone". Well, no - she's still there, she was there all the time, and she looks attractive, gentle and completely feminine (and makes me feel I'd like to get to know her better :D ) Thank you for sharing! You've come so far in the past year - I hope you find a great way to celebrate :cake: :)

Quote - Ix Phoen

"It's okay not to see the best of yourself so long as you understand that you're dealing with filters built into your brain that warp what you see. Also, photos are frozen. They don't capture the way your body language and the shift of expressions also illuminate your femininity. While I know it's frustrating, this reaction to photos of yourself is very common and isn't exclusive to trans-dysphoria. Stereotypically speaking, you could say it's very feminine of you, though I understand some men struggle to accept their appearance, too.

I've heard that flipping a photo left to right can sometimes help with that instinctive reaction of "not right" that takes over.

Due to our highly visual media, most of us have times when the uglifier in our heads replaces the gentle honesty of love and acceptance that those who treasure and appreciate us always apply when they look at us.

Looking at you, I see someone lovely, with a gentle face. Reading your thoughts here, I know you're admirable and that the more I know you the more I will only see beauty when looking at you. It can be hard, but it's worth it to learn how to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you!" like a true friend would. (I did that once, on repeat, until I cried. You have no idea how therapeutic it was to accept myself, even if only for an hour.) "

Ix, this is just beautiful, and so true! I couldn't have said it better, no matter how hard I tried :)

Chilla, thank you for sharing too - that's a great picture (I wouldn't call it grumpy - just introspective :) )

I love that you both trust your friends here enough to allow us to see you as you are.

Mezzo, I'm glad that things are going well for you so far. I hope you don't get any "bad reactions", but if you do, just try to remember that this kind of behaviour reflects badly on the other person, not on you. It's great that your family is so supportive.

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As a trans person, who is officially tired of pretending he isn't. And as someone who has a very hard time trusting his own feelings and emotions and needs, I want a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

How exactly do I go about getting one? I know the British way, but does anyone know how you do it in the US. There is a clinic which specializes in queer health about an hour away from me, but they don't have anything about diagnosis on their web page. I can also find counselors who say they specialize in transgender therapy, but none of them really talk about diagnosis either. I can find lots of information about gender dysphoria treatment, but none about getting a diagnosis.

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butterflydreams

As a trans person, who is officially tired of pretending he isn't. And as someone who has a very hard time trusting his own feelings and emotions and needs, I want a diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

How exactly do I go about getting one? I know the British way, but does anyone know how you do it in the US. There is a clinic which specializes in queer health about an hour away from me, but they don't have anything about diagnosis on their web page. I can also find counselors who say they specialize in transgender therapy, but none of them really talk about diagnosis either. I can find lots of information about gender dysphoria treatment, but none about getting a diagnosis.

It depends what you want to do. Do you want to have surgery? Do HRT? I think the clinic would be a good place to start. Rules on this stuff are very patchwork-y in the US. Some areas have informed consent clinics for HRT. You show up, sign a paper that says you understand the risks, and you're good to go. Other places require some kind of letter from a therapist/psychiatrist or something. Some are a mix. A counselor that specializes in transgender therapy is also a good place to start I think.

And then there's nothing that says you can be extra cautious and go through your own due diligence. When I went to see about HRT, it was ultimately informed consent, but there were some hoops (they had a rudimentary screening process designed to kind of weed out people who maybe hadn't thought things through sufficiently), and I chose to do more by talking to a therapist for more than 6 months. That worked really well for me, but I don't believe I have an explicit diagnosis of gender dysphoria (though I'm sure I could get one from either my doctor or my therapist if I asked).

Like I said, it's kind of vague. I think the best thing to do is start somewhere. You have two very good leads. I'd start there and see where you can go with it. Good luck *hugs*

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binary suns

I'm trying to get up the courage to go to the trans clinic in my area. i don't know if it would let me just come in one day and stuff or if i need to make appointments over the phone.

I am dying to get my namechange legal. but i keep putting it off.

tmi

i bought more underwear now <3 i have now 3 pairs of panties that are so so comfy, although oops one has thin material so I'm not sure if I'm comfortable wearing it for fear of damaging it :redface: and i also have now 4 pairs of boxer-type that are more comfy but less feminine but feel more feminine than the boxers that dominate my warodrobe lol. i'm actually really pleased because i bought a pack of three, and they do not have much leg to them so they feel more feminine, but they do have extra space for the male bits to hang out it so that they are comfortable and i don't fall out of my underwear :redface: and also the real kicker is they have no fly :o so they almost feel like they are ladie's underwear dashioned to be like :"boyfriend underwear" or whatever for ladies.

then i have some pairs i um, stole, um, from many years ago, three of which fit comfortably enough to wear whenever, so i actually kind of have enough girly underwear to fill my wardrobe :) actually I do, just half of them don't really fit whith a boy's package... so i can't really wear them... but now I have 6 that I can wear comfortably :) and 4 boxers that fool me into thinking I'm wearing feminine clothes :)

i wanna shop for more androgynous or even feminine clothes to shift my style towards andorgenous. but i am unsure how to move forward with that, and afraid of going into clohtes stores to look for that.

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Teagan, if you want to head into androgynous territory, study the style choices of visual kei bands, especially how they layer clothes. (Once you find the right shape to give the effect you want, just buy it in the colors and patterns you like.)

Also, a search for "androgynous style" on pinterest will give you a lot of visuals to work with. You may find that wearing some of your current clothes in a different way (or combination) tips them from one style to another. (You can create private boards there to pin outfits you like, too.)

Sometimes a change in "attitude" is all it takes to give people a different impression of your gender. (English needs better words for this concept. I mean projecting your inner self with confidence. Strong and fluid posture choices, gestures, how you hold your head and shoulders, etc. These things can be practiced until you own them, just like dancing or chess moves. Try to choose the sort of thing that will help you stay healthy. A strong posture, growing up from the ground beneath your feet will help you breathe deeper and reduce your stress. Study female athletes for ideas. They tend to have fewer bad habits. Yoga might help you feel less stiff and more comfortable in new postures.)

I can't give specific clothing advice without knowing what styles you find appealing, but there are a lot of options out there. One generic suggestion would be to combine layers over long, narrow shirts with tighter legs on your pants. Try buying things with paisley or wing-like prints to move closer to florals, if you like them.

Also, try shopping in the women's shirt (especially t-shirts, if you feel self conscious) section at second hand stores. Just assume that everyone there will think you're shopping for a family member or a costume if you feel like they'll stare. (Those are the assumptions most will make, after all.) Anything you like, visually, is worth a try to see how it looks on you.

Congrats on having underwear that make you feel comfortable!

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butterflydreams

K, you all gave me the courage to do this. Helped me believe that I had something to say. Thank you! Your support and encouragement made this possible :cake: :cake:

I know it's a little in advance of my one year anniversary, but the mood struck the right conditions today to make it happen. I hope that I'll be able to do more of these in the future. I will say that for as much as I stress over my voice (and it's still not great) I actually queued up some older videos from 2006 or so of myself, and the difference is incredible. It doesn't seem like much now, but side-by-side with those older videos, it's amazing how much better it is.

So here you go. I hope all positive illusions of me aren't shattered to bits :unsure:

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K, you all gave me the courage to do this. Helped me believe that I had something to say. Thank you! Your support and encouragement made this possible :cake: :cake:

I know it's a little in advance of my one year anniversary, but the mood struck the right conditions today to make it happen. I hope that I'll be able to do more of these in the future. I will say that for as much as I stress over my voice (and it's still not great) I actually queued up some older videos from 2006 or so of myself, and the difference is incredible. It doesn't seem like much now, but side-by-side with those older videos, it's amazing how much better it is.

So here you go. I hope all positive illusions of me aren't shattered to bits :unsure:

I love this video so much! You are such a cool, genuine person, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us.

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Dodecahedron314

Why can I only like a post once?!?

Hadley, this video is so good. You have so many things to say that other people need to hear--through the whole thing, I was alternately nodding along because I can relate to a lot of this and getting an almost sort of awed expression when you said just how much better things can be. Even the parts that I haven't personally experienced were really relatable, in a way, because you're very good at picking out the little aspects of them that one might not even really realize the existence or significance of until they happen, and even if the specific situation wasn't something that I've been through, those details are somehow almost universal.

And rest assured--your voice is really nice! When the video started, I somehow got this really odd sense of familiarity, like I'd already heard your voice before somewhere. I can't quite put my finger on whose voice yours reminds me of, but I do know the association is a positive one :)

Also, that's a really pretty drive. It reminds me of where I grew up in Arizona (in the mountains, which most people don't realize exist--it's not all just flat sand and cacti!), but with towns that are decidedly more New England-y.

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Autumn Sunrise
Hadley, I really enjoyed watching your video - you did it very well, and you're easy to listen to :) Actually, you sound very much like one of my sisters (minus the American accent, of course :D ), and you have a very musical speaking voice.

Thank you for sharing - I feel like I know you better now, and it's a nice feeling!

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Gentle Giant

Great job on the video, Hadley! Thanks for sharing it. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to hear you driving in a car because of the noise of the car, but you were very clear. You have a lovely voice and you speak so well. I think doing more of these videos will be a very good thing.

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That was fantastic, Hadley!


I can relate to much of what you said, even though I am only a CD. The fast and slow stuff happens with me for lots of things (for me it's a sort of doppler effect, where things often seem to be slow when you're approaching them, but fast when you look back on them). And not wanting to be noticed, I can definitely relate to that! But it does get better and it does get easier, or did for me.


Far from shattering positive illusions it reinforces positive impressions. Thanks for sharing that! I hope more people will get to see the video.

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butterflydreams

:blush: wow, you guys...I'm so touched by your responses :wub: THANK YOU!!

I never thought I had anything worthwhile to say, but I guess I was wrong. I'd definitely like to make more of these, especially if people felt the content was good. Dare I say it was even fun to make?

I'm already thinking up ideas for future videos. ^_^

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Great video Hads :) Gives a lot of hope.

I got complemented on my hair twice today :wub: One of those complements was, of course not in English, but something like "it looks like you have balls (well, insert a more metaphorical word for it)" ;)

I'm also working on some drawings to insert into here. How do you insert photos? (*from phone)

P.S. Way too much "Bleach"...

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