TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Valiant]

Been a while since I visited AVEN, sorry for falling off the face of the community!

I had a huge post written but decided it was a bit much, haha. My family still haven't adjusted to using my name and pronouns over a year after coming out to them, but they're making progress and I'm okay with how things are professing thus far. Since being on antidepressants alongside HRT I can count on one hand the number depressive lows and anxiety attacks I've had. I'm still struggling motivation wise, but with so many years of habit to unlearn it's going to be a long haul. My therapist has told me that they'd write me a letter for top surgery, as they asked in a previous session if I would need one. I'm still saving up for top surgery and plan to get it before my 25th birthday (while my share of insurance is only $30 odd a month, otherwise it jumps to $140 odd). Not sure where I'm going to pull $4000 odd from in a year, but if I work out a budget it's something I should be able to manage.

HRT continues to change things, most noticeable body hair and voice. I cringe listening to voice recordings from 1 and 3 months on T, now around 8 months in I sound completely different and a whole lot more confident. Pretty much sounds like second puberty hit me hard in the throat. I've yet to go to a trans support group, but once we move in November I'm going to start attending regularly since it'll be a bus ride, not a 3-4hr drive away. I'm hoping that by being around people I know are trans, I'll feel a bit less like people are watching me trying to find out what's not right about me. Not that I've seen anyone look at me like that.

I've come to realise that I was confused about my sexuality too. Up util the age of 13 I was interested in boys, as much as a young teen could be, and even dated two. I assumed I was heterosexual then, because I hadn't heard of trans people and knew only that I was a tomboy, a very unapologetic one. A traumatic life event occurred and I soon developed major depression as a result of that combined with an abusive childhood. Anxiety soon followed around four years later (but didn't get diagnosed until last year). During that time, up until I was around 22 I had barely any interest in people and zero interest in sex. People hitting on me made me run for the hills and being seen as desirable by anyone online made me cringe (because people didn't hit on my IRL, which I was fine with :lol:). I was gross and broken, why would anyone want me? This made me think I was ace, or at least grey ace (and I mean because of the lack of attraction/desire, not feeling gross and broken). Starting T pretty much jump started my libido, which I had rare spikes of, which added to my confusion. Since I reacted to certain visual stimuli, it furthered said confusion. It wasn't until I settled into my course of antidepressants that the 'attraction' switch if you will was turned back on. While I was curious as to what it would be like to be in a sexually active relationship, it was a major nope for me to be a woman in one. Like a major nope, wouldn't try it if my life depended on it nope. Now I'm a bit meh about it, like at the moment I'm still forever alone and quite happy about that, but if I were to be in a relationship, I'd likely be interested and give things a go. Kinda awkward talking about it, but it seems like discovery, acceptance or realisation of a person's sexuality is fairly common when you're more comfortable with your body. My body isn't where I'd like it, but it's more comfortable to me than what it was this time last year.

Anyway, hello to everyone and I hope you've all been well! I'll be reading through some of the recent posts and may comment on some things. ^_^

[Autumn Sunrise]

Welcome back, ​Valiant. It sounds as though things are going well for you, gender-wise - congratulations! It's good to see you back here :)

[Emery.]

Hi Valiant!

[Guest]

Hello Valiant! and welcome back! Its good to see you here again :)

[butterflydreams]

Valiant, that's a great update! Thanks for sharing :)

I wish my update could be good. Got an email from my mom this morning. Subject "not happy"

I'm not reading it. :( :( :(

[Fire Monkey]

Stand strong, Hadley. There are people around you who love you. Cling to them until the pain of this passes (and it will). Big hugs for you.

[Evren]

*gives Hadley big hugs* I know how that is, I put off reading letters from my dads side of the family as long as possible. You read it whenever you feel ready.

[butterflydreams]

I managed to forward it to my brother and archive it from my inbox without reading any more than the subject. He texted me saying it was reactionary and that I shouldn't read it. Apparently there was also reference to some crazy conspiracy stuff (think gay agenda).

I had a rough, rough day. I went into work because what else was I going to do? But I couldn't focus on anything. I kept coming back to that subject, "not happy", and now I'm just angry about it. "not happy"? WTF does that even mean?

I feel like a total freak. I hated all of my clothes this morning. I wanted to put on my old pants and a dress shirt. I wanted to punish myself. I felt dirty and bad. Like I am the sexual deviant my mom fears. That all of this trans stuff is nonsense. That all trans people are deluded freaks and I should hate them.

I'm a mess.

It KILLS me that I love my mom so much. She can do no wrong in my mind. She gave me everything. I will NEVER hate her.

But there's literally nothing I can do to make her understand. When I told her a few years ago that it was taking everything I had to keep from putting my foot down and putting my car into a bridge embankment, she yelled at me. How dare I say something like that? How dare I entrust my darkest thoughts with her and upset her like that?

But that's the trump card. There's nothing beyond that. "Don't talk like that. That's stupid. Don't be stupid. You need to get help. I don't know what you need, but you better find something. Find a girl to fight with."

And I find something. I find me. I share it with her in a letter that I'm going to be ok. Nope. Not good enough. Not the "right" way. I can't win :( and I still have to love her 100%

[Emery.]

I'm not too good at making people feel better, but I'll try.

I feel like a total freak. I hated all of my clothes this morning. I wanted to put on my old pants and a dress shirt. I wanted to punish myself. I felt dirty and bad. Like I am the sexual deviant my mom fears. That all of this trans stuff is nonsense. That all trans people are deluded freaks and I should hate them.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I am the deviant, you are a girl. There is a giant difference. I go "I like nice panties and lipstick". You are a girl. Although I get the point with guilt tripping, I went through something similar recently. For Easter I tried to hide without success and the shitstorm began. My mom thinks I have a problem and/or don't love her. Then I thought that maybe I can try to make myself feel like a woman and felt guilty for not being able to. Being trans is not something you choose, nor is it wrong. You know it. You also know that the girlfriend argument is nonsense. Big hugs (or maybe I'd better not after this post?)

[Gentle Giant]

Oh Hadley, I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I'm glad that your brother is supportive of you.

[daveb]

Hadley, you're a good person. You are awesome! It's a shame your mother can't see that, but the shame is on her.

Emery, you're a good person, too. What's wrong with liking "nice panties and lipstick"?

I get sick of all the people who try to drum it into society that other people are bad or deviant or whatever. A pack of lies based on ignorance and bigotry. History has a tendency to pass those people by and reveal their ignorance and bigotry in the end. This pattern has happened repeatedly in the past (over race/ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, gender, etc.), but history also shows that the bigotry can't stand up to justice and fairness and compassion over the long term. (but that doesn't make it easy on the people who are the targets of the bigotry in the shorter term)

Hang in there and be true to yourselves!

[veearrell]

I managed to forward it to my brother and archive it from my inbox without reading any more than the subject. He texted me saying it was reactionary and that I shouldn't read it. Apparently there was also reference to some crazy conspiracy stuff (think gay agenda).

I had a rough, rough day. I went into work because what else was I going to do? But I couldn't focus on anything. I kept coming back to that subject, "not happy", and now I'm just angry about it. "not happy"? WTF does that even mean?

I feel like a total freak. I hated all of my clothes this morning. I wanted to put on my old pants and a dress shirt. I wanted to punish myself. I felt dirty and bad. Like I am the sexual deviant my mom fears. That all of this trans stuff is nonsense. That all trans people are deluded freaks and I should hate them.

I'm a mess.

It KILLS me that I love my mom so much. She can do no wrong in my mind. She gave me everything. I will NEVER hate her.

But there's literally nothing I can do to make her understand. When I told her a few years ago that it was taking everything I had to keep from putting my foot down and putting my car into a bridge embankment, she yelled at me. How dare I say something like that? How dare I entrust my darkest thoughts with her and upset her like that?

But that's the trump card. There's nothing beyond that. "Don't talk like that. That's stupid. Don't be stupid. You need to get help. I don't know what you need, but you better find something. Find a girl to fight with."

And I find something. I find me. I share it with her in a letter that I'm going to be ok. Nope. Not good enough. Not the "right" way. I can't win :( and I still have to love her 100%

Hugs, Hadley. Maybe it's just me, but your mom sounds eerily like Mother Gothel from Tangled:

For such a bouncy, upbeat-sounding song, it's incredibly creepy and totally true to the reality when it comes to people like that.

[Lightning Blue Ray]

Looks like I'll have to wait until I'm 21 to get a binder. I told my friends I want a binder as an 18th birthday present, but that's pretty much not gonna happen. They said they could chip in, but I don't want that. I want to get my own binder, either with my own money, or as a gift. But there's no way I can ask for a binder, at least not for now. I was so happy when a classmate told me that I was flat-chested in response to me saying she was lucky because she was pretty flat.

I don't know why I'm saying this. Ever since I came out as demigender to a friend on Twitter, I've been very happy with myself and perhaps feeling better because of it. Not that I felt bad, but I certainly had an elevated mood for the next few days. And somehow, re-affirming my identity to myself, even in my own head, just feels good.

[butterflydreams]

Sorry to hear you have to wait, Flourine. Maybe you can look towards it as a goal? That's how I try to turn waiting into a positive. Anticipation and the excitement of something you want can be really nice. I'm glad that you feel good about coming out to your friend on Twitter. You're doing great!

Thanks, everyone for the kind thoughts. It means so much. I'm still here. Chugging along. It's a 3-day weekend here and tomorrow is supposed to be really hot and sunny. Maybe I'll go swimming.

[oldme]

I managed to forward it to my brother and archive it from my inbox without reading any more than the subject. He texted me saying it was reactionary and that I shouldn't read it. Apparently there was also reference to some crazy conspiracy stuff (think gay agenda).

I had a rough, rough day. I went into work because what else was I going to do? But I couldn't focus on anything. I kept coming back to that subject, "not happy", and now I'm just angry about it. "not happy"? WTF does that even mean?

I feel like a total freak. I hated all of my clothes this morning. I wanted to put on my old pants and a dress shirt. I wanted to punish myself. I felt dirty and bad. Like I am the sexual deviant my mom fears. That all of this trans stuff is nonsense. That all trans people are deluded freaks and I should hate them.

I'm a mess.

I'm sorry it didn't go well.

Try not to sink into the internalized transphobia just because other people don't accept the true you. It's not the way you want to go now as you've already transitioning. I've been fighting that internal debate all my life and you end up being your own bully.

You don't have to stop loving your mom and don't need to hate her, but I think the acceptance you want from her might come after years or never. You're not the problem and can't force other people to change. They have to take the first step, but it might take a long time and you will keep getting constantly hurt while waiting for it. You have to ask yourself which will hurt more? Clinging to a person that is hurting you or cut them out of your life for the time being and deal with the grief that comes with that. I've already made up my own mind when the time comes to come out to the rest of my family and friends. The people who will have a problem with me will be left behind. I don't have the time or energy to keep people like that around no matter how close they are. I'm in command of my own life and if it doesn't please them, then they can fuck off. If they want to reach out to me later after accepting everything, then I'll happily welcome them back.

I'm not an expert and I don't have any easy answers. Take my ramblings with a grain of salt.

[dissolved]

For some reason the "like" button isn't working for me at some point I'll backtrack and sort that out!

In other trans news, my top surgery is booked for the 12th September :D I'll be talking to folks about starting testosterone at some point after that :D

Finally stuff is moving. It's going to be expensive, but sod the NHS, I'm getting my life on track on my time scale 8)

[Evren]

I was talking to my mom about going to Pride in two weeks. I had already told her that I was going to go, but I guess she forgot because I was bouncing and reminding her. I am all excited about it and some of the other things I am going to be doing in the next two weeks. The really sad thing is that, she looks at me and goes your acting really weirdly, I love you but your acting really weirdly today. I was acting out of the norm because I was happy, that's just sad. Am I so often unhappy that she doesn't even understand me when I do act happy? I had pretty much most of my masks off, and was just so happy and pleased and excited. I think that I might need to actually be myself more often, the masks are adhering to my face in bad ways. I don't want to forget how to be myself. It just seems impossible to actually be my entire self sometimes, I know i'm still working off of some stereotypes, and I hate that, but they used to be such an important part of my like there hard to let go.

[ChillaKilla]

Gettin' real tired of dyadic people going around saying "It's totally okay to identify as intersex even if it is a congenital condition and appropriating the struggles of an already marginalized group uwu and if you don't agree your an identity-policing oppressor " <_<

[Guest]

Gettin' real tired of dyadic people going around saying "It's totally okay to identify as intersex even if it is a congenital condition and appropriating the struggles of an already marginalized group uwu and if you don't agree your an identity-policing oppressor " <_<

I'm going to start identifying as Fragile X because it sounds awesome.

That's cool, right?

[Fire Monkey]

Gettin' real tired of dyadic people going around saying "It's totally okay to identify as intersex even if it is a congenital condition and appropriating the struggles of an already marginalized group uwu and if you don't agree your an identity-policing oppressor " <_<

I'm going to start identifying as Fragile X because it sounds awesome.

That's cool, right?

It would explain so much.

[ChillaKilla]

Sorry Skulls, if you're AFAB and Fragile X you can't claim intersex status :lol: only in AMAB people

[Guest]

Sorry Skulls, if you're AFAB and Fragile X you can't claim intersex status :lol: only in AMAB people

How rude!!

[butterflydreams]

Try not to sink into the internalized transphobia just because other people don't accept the true you. It's not the way you want to go now as you've already transitioning. I've been fighting that internal debate all my life and you end up being your own bully.

Oh I know, believe me, I see it, but I won't let it take over me.

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm probably going to be very off my game for a while with this one. I'd rather not discuss any more of this here, but I think I'm going to start something in (h)aven so I don't derail this thread any further.

Thank you all again.

[ChillaKilla]

Well, if you are AFAB and have two X chromosomes, even if one is abnormal, it's different than intersex :lol: But one with Fragile X could be intersex for any other number of reasons, like, organ-wise

[Philip027]

*spying on your posts*

It KILLS me that I love my mom so much. She can do no wrong in my mind. She gave me everything. I will NEVER hate her.

I have gone through a similar process with my own mom, and at one point used to think exactly like you (even though I think she's not as much of a jerk as yours)

Here's the thing. People don't have to be perfect for you to still love them anyway. Additionally, the fact that someone can bring you hurt doesn't mean that they must hate you, or you hate them.

One of the biggest worldshakers (and probably one of the core sparks for my depression) was realizing that my mom, the one person in my life that's always been there, was actually not perfect. She didn't know everything. She wasn't always able to make me feel better. This was a hard thing to stomach. But it's not like I had to stop caring about her. I just had to realize that there were some things I actually *couldn't* go to her for because it wouldn't have helped either of us.

When I told her a few years ago that it was taking everything I had to keep from putting my foot down and putting my car into a bridge embankment, she yelled at me. How dare I say something like that? How dare I entrust my darkest thoughts with her and upset her like that?

And this sort of thing is a perfect example of that. This is a clear demonstration that she is not properly equipped to deal with your darker feelings.

My mom wasn't either. When I attempted to pour my heart out to her in one of my lowest moments, the best she could manage was a dismissive-sounding "so what, you wanna go see a shrink?" It was those words that really made it sink in: she really did NOT know what to do. Why else would she so readily try to point me to someone else like that? It was from that point on that I knew I needed to look elsewhere to find some of the support that I needed, because I now knew I wasn't going to get it from her. I have since closed part of myself off to her, because I knew it would do more harm than good to leave it open. It sucked to do, it really did -- because I truly did want her to be the one that I could always go to for help about anything, and I know she wanted that too. But it had to be done. She was in over her head. When it comes down to it, I have to do as I see fit to protect myself -- that's just an inevitable part of growing up.

Yet despite all this, I don't hate her. I still love her. I still always want her to be there, to the point where even my partner and I are planning to take her along to at least reside nearby wherever we happen to live together in the future. But I have since fully recognized that she is a flawed human being, just like everyone else, and that she CAN do wrong, and be wrong. Does it mean I have to hate her for that? Absolutely not. Am I allowed to feel hurt/annoyed by her? Absolutely yes. People wouldn't hurt/annoy us as much if we didn't love them. Personally, if I don't care about someone, their potential to hurt me emotionally is drastically reduced. If I don't care about them, why should I care about what they think of me?

I guess the bottom line of what I'm trying to get at here is... loving someone doesn't mean believing they can do no wrong. Unless your mom is a perfect flawless human being, which I'm sure is not the case, she is capable of wrong. I went through most of my childhood believing my mom could do no wrong, and that led me to a VERY rude awakening in my early teenager years. I view this sort of thing as like announcing a breakup -- the longer you put it off, the more it's going to sting. But from my point of view, it's something that HAS to be done eventually if you ever want a relationship with your mom that is actually healthy, and not damaging.

I still love my mom, and yet I am now fully cognizant of the fact that she does have faults, and that she is perfectly capable of being wrong, letting me down, pissing me off -- just like everyone else you allow into your life. It doesn't mean we're not allowed to care for anyone, nor does caring about someone mean we're not allowed to let those other things happen.

Rambling... sorry. But what you've been saying reminds me so much of my own struggles that I had to say something. I have mulled this entire subject around in my head for so many years now that it's fair to say I'm intimately acquainted with it. It's not been easy to do and it's one of the drawbacks to having both depression and a restless mind that will not stop thinking and mulling subjects about. But if all of these thoughts can prove helpful to someone else, maybe it won't feel like as much of a drawback anymore.

[Fire Monkey]

Everything Philip said. All of it. It hurts like crazy to think that the person whom you are bonded to from birth doesn't love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved. And there's no fixing it, except to mourn that rejection. And that takes time. The Seven Stages of Grief apply to more than dying. The process sucks while you're in it, but it does eventually resolve.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Hadley.

[butterflydreams]

Philip, that is incredibly insightful. Thank you for sharing that. You've given me quite a lot to think about. I can almost hear my brother yelling at me, "Yes! Exactly! This Philip guy is right on! This is what I've been trying to get you to understand."

And Fire Monkey, that's a good context for this, the grief thing. I guess it's ok to trust that even though it hurts, I will make it through. Maybe I'll be stronger for it.

<3

[Evren]

I just dealt with my first irl, yelling transphobic person, and it's a coworker. I cant argue back when people are yelling at me, that really sucked.

[Guest]

Sending my hugs to those who need it

[veearrell]

I just dealt with my first irl, yelling transphobic person, and it's a coworker. I cant argue back when people are yelling at me, that really sucked.

I sure as hell hope that person got fired. If they didn't, that's grounds for filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.