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Emery I'm not taking a dream serious and i have never done that before, I have had different dreams over the year now ever since i had the first one related to HRT. I remember in one particlar dream that i didnt have any fear telling my family and openly coming out as transgender and that i wanted to transition into a full male.Wow the bravery in my dream was quite surprising! That i was able to go to a gender clinic, and finally got on T and saw the progress happening without blinking an eye

I think i would shit a 1000 colors if i would have to do that irl! Coming out and starting a process Sometimes im amazed at how brave i was in most dreams xD but yeah they are just dreams and should be taken as such.It is nice to be able to discuss them so people can share theyre opinions, sometimes its nice to hear your not crazy or might be seeing things.I like this thread for that reason too.Nobody thinks you are crazy and you can just talk about things you wouldnt dare to talk to irl.

I have never dreamed about having a penis but i remember transitioning and keeping my genitials and wear a packer instead I did dream about having top surgery and finally being able to walk around with a naked upper body I was happy to finally get rid of my boobs. Irl i wouldnt dream about doing such a thing because sometimes i hate them but i love them other times too

Maybe i could be wihout knowing for sure that i have indeed a deep wish to be referred to as a he and that i would like to be seen as a male but in reality being called a she doesnt really bother me much as long as people dont use it too often.I have been thinking about shopping in the male section more often then i did before and really start looking into getting a binder and a packer even if its just to see how it would be like.

Danny Im so glad to hear you are making progress there! I know it looks like a small thing but in reality its something really big that means that you are starting to accept yourself and i know one thing: The sun always shines behind the dark clouds!

Mezzo Forte Congratulations for being on T for so long! And yay for men's underwear!!!

You know, sometimes im sooooo curious to find out how it feels like to go trough HRT, to actually realise you are doing it and how its like to see how your body changes and if your feelings/mood changes too and how you deal with worries and how your enviroment reacts on you there are like a 1000 things i cant wait to find out. Im glad to see the effects of HRT on some of the pictures being posted here I love seeing them!

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Yeah... I meant... Those dreams might be scary. I used to wake up after such dreams and almost get a heart attack. That's what I meant by not taking them seriously.

I have a slight (?) sensory / in-programming issue down there, hormone mess in my brain before birth must have been full-fledged. That's probably why I think I have a dick sometimes, especially in dreams.

and to collection of wierd dreams: I also had a dream in which my boobs were made of rubber and I took them off.

I mean, of course, I love my body and wouldn't like to do anything drastic with it. I like my boobs and won't get rid of them. Or of my lower parts either.

"She" doesn't bother me either. Except for the case when I ask for "he" and get "she". Only thing that bothers me is "miss" and "princess". It's just plain wrong. Of course, I would prefer "sir" and "he" and "mister". But I don't bother so much. It's a bit too much of a taboo for me to handle. I just dealt with my family and my own head. I need some rest.

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ChillaKilla

Accidentally posted this in the annoying cis thread so here ya go

Update: I sent my mom some articles to read about...things (and successfully resisted the temptation to say "educate yourself, I'm not paid to be a teacher" :lol: )

For what it's worth, I think she's coming around and I will keep updating on this :)

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Mezzo Forte

Mezzo Forte Congratulations for being on T for so long! And yay for men's underwear!!!

You know, sometimes im sooooo curious to find out how it feels like to go trough HRT, to actually realise you are doing it and how its like to see how your body changes and if your feelings/mood changes too and how you deal with worries and how your enviroment reacts on you there are like a 1000 things i cant wait to find out. Im glad to see the effects of HRT on some of the pictures being posted here I love seeing them!

Thanks! The biggest thing I've found with HRT is that there really is a limit to how much you can predict your response to it. I heard that the mental effects would be rough, but I haven't felt any emotional changes yet. I certainly saw the acne coming, but was caught off-guard by the downstairs sensitivity/growth. This early, I haven't really noticed much else, which is why it's so weird to think that I'm three weeks in. (If anything, the fact that I'm 3 weeks in and not passing is making me impatient about non-HRT transition things like figuring out how to sell my hair.)

In other news, I recently landed a paying gig through my percussion professor, and after accepting the gig, he emailed all of us involved, saying that we will get outfitted for costumes for the performance and that he needed our clothing sizes. (I really hope they don't fit me for something super feminine.) I told him that I only know my fit in men's sizes, and I wonder if all these little things are going to make him suspect anything. I didn't shave when I wore my swim trunks for the studio party; I got a touch squirrelly about the Society of Women Composers hunting me down; I almost made him not submit a scholarship nomination when I mistook it for a women's scholarship; and now, he knows that I've gone long enough without wearing women's clothes to not even know my size anymore. I'm probably overthinking it, but I really do wonder how privy he is to my trans-ness.

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butterflydreams

Well, I'm gonna do it. I'm going to mail my parents the letter I wrote along with the photo I shared here (but with my work chums not cropped out). I thought about the letter for a while. Communication might die after this, so I wanted to make sure certain information got across that I haven't been able to get to them. Like the fact that I've been on HRT for 9 months (they don't know that) or the fact that I go by a different name now, and plan to change it at some point.

I feel like previous emails/letters sidestepped because I was nervous and afraid. This one is very direct. The primary message of the letter is that I love them, and I want more than anything for them to choose to be a part of my newfound happiness. I am so afraid :(

Alright ramblers, let's get rambling...

I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel after I put it in the mailbox. Once that door closes, there's no going back. I'm afraid I won't even be able to do it. But I know it has to be done. Having this hanging over my head unresolved is causing major stress, sleep issues and all sorts of others stuff. Stuff I really can't have right now, especially since I'm moving up at work.

I'm afraid that doing this is unnecessary. That I should just say "the hell with my parents" and stop talking to them completely like my sister suggested (and does herself). I'm afraid that it will cause them hurt for nothing.

I never, ever thought I'd be in a position like this with my parents. They're good people. They raised me to be the person I am today. Being in a position of "this might be it" is horrifying :(

And I'm absolutely petrified about being alone when the response comes. I hope it comes as an email, because I'll just forward it to my brother to read and relay to me good or bad, and if bad, how bad. He said if they try to call me, and I'm not ready, I can ignore the call, but that's very unlike me.

I'm afraid to get a response like, "we don't understand or support this, but you do you" because that doesn't resolve anything. What does that mean? Does it mean I can't ever visit as myself? Does this mean you still love me?

So basically, I'm a bit of a wreck. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get this thing in the mailbox successfully.

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Dodecahedron314

*hugs Hadley* You can do it!

So, today I had to sign up for classes for next quarter, and one of the ones I signed up for was "Gender and Sexuality in Civilzation". This could be either really great, or really frustrating, as someone who has neither of those things. And I'm not looking forward to seeing whether or not I can successfully explain away my class choice to my mom without coming out... :unsure: (Never mind my dad, but hopefully he won't ask...I'll have to come up with some sort of deflection if he does, because while my mom might get it, he definitely won't. Which will make spending a week with him this summer...interesting.)

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Fingers crossed for Hadley :)

Mezzo, I don't actually know how to handle those women's societies. They keep on spamming into my inbox and hunting me. Do I count as a woman at all? I'm a fag. I have not ever had normal female experience. Maybe I should tell them? I almost got beat up a couple of times this week for looking like a transvestite (MtF). I've got absolutely no idea how. I changed nothing. I fortunately look pretty confident and know how to fight, but ... It's unpleasant, c'mon. Street harassment v 2. I already went trough this once. I might have to change my style for personal safety :/ I already negotiated with my mom that she shouldn't buy me clothes. But then? Will I pass as male? Will I have to switch bathrooms? I already cause a "There's a male in the female bathroom!!!" panick. I have no idea how. We'll see... Emery is a boy, news of the month... Ugh... Holy ****... So where do we get those binders and packers? I want to go out in the evening sometimes and not be harassed...

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Mezzo Forte Thank you so much for that small piece of insight, I have heard from others that they cant predict the effects of HRT on theyre mood either so thats nice that this is confirmed by another one.

Bleh, woman societies, they always annoy me for some reason.Im sorry you had to deal with that i can imagine how uncomfortable that can be.It kinda makes me feel like eh yeah so you say im a woman but WHAT IF I DONT FEEL LIKE A WOMAN??

Emery I have walked around with almost the same thougths for the past few month's now, when to get a binder, when to get a packer, when to switch to the males bathroom despite the fact i use the males bathroom from time to time I think its important to take your time and think things trough before going to the next step, do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

I can also relate to most things you said exept for the penis thing i cant imagine having such a thing well a packer would be ok but not that thing.My boobs are something that dont bother me but i wouldnt mind it at all if i didnt have them at all.I have dreamed i was doing top surgery and was happy with the result the freedom of being able to walk around shirtless in the house :D

Hadley Im so sorry to read what you are going trough, I really hope things will work out for you.

I have had one of these days where im happy i have my own house and dont have to worry about people noticing and complaining about me doing research on HRT and the effects of it. I have recently watched a timeline video from another FTM and he mentioned a couple of things in that video that did sound very fammiliar: one of them was trying to pass as a girl and do girly things, im currently in that state im doing my very best to pass as a girl and to look very feminine but one way or another i dont really despite that i love a few girly things i just dont really know how to pull off as a girl the right way.I like being a girl on the one side but on the other side i cant really pass as a girl! Im often jealous how people can really pull off such a good look im already struggling to find the right look that fits me.Its weird, isnt it?

I wonder if there is a right way to do that. I have always dressed boyish with hoodies and stuff and when i go to church i wear pants and sweaters and carry a purse and try to look as girly as possible with make up, perfume and all. I still somehow feel a small disconnect with everything i wear its like im doing it because im supposed to do so. I sometimes wish i could just go in a pair of nice pants and a shirt/sweater.I guess i suck passing off as a girl. Its funny how that other person in that video mentioned that because i could so relate to what he said.Same counts for the blocking off thoughts, i sometimes catch myself doing that and i wonder if everyone else had the same experience, trying to pass and blocking off thoughts or having dreams about being the opposite gender.Anyway it was an interesting watch its nice to see how people thought before HRT and right after.Its not that im idealising it but i just want to know how people feel when they do it. I dont want to do HRT but i can relate to what people often say when i watch these video's.Well, thats enough rambling for today

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Hadley, you are so very brave! You've got this!

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You can do this Hadley, I'm rooting for you :)

Im sorry you almost got beaten up Emery, that's awful, I'm glad you're okay.

I was at work and they were making jokes about how females aren't trustworthy, just teasing. To keep up my charade I looked at one of them and said, "see if I ever give you a ride home again." And he said, "no offence, I don't really consider you a female." That means that at work where I act like my usual kooky self, don't bind, and don't try to modulate my voice as much, I manage to still come off as somthing other. I think I smiled all the way to mh next delivery.

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ChillaKilla

I was at an outlet mall today and had to pee super bad (excessive iced tea woot woot!), so I just headed for the... ugh, women's room, because I wasn't in any shape to pass, and I saw a sign on the door that said "WOMEN ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT". Internally, I was like "What'cha gonna do about it? Huh? Huh? Look at me! You can't stop me! Ooh I'm going in the women's room but I'm not a woman! Spooky!"

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Mezzo Forte

Best of luck, Hadley! :)

Mezzo, I don't actually know how to handle those women's societies. They keep on spamming into my inbox and hunting me. Do I count as a woman at all? I'm a fag. I have not ever had normal female experience. Maybe I should tell them? I almost got beat up a couple of times this week for looking like a transvestite (MtF). I've got absolutely no idea how. I changed nothing. I fortunately look pretty confident and know how to fight, but ... It's unpleasant, c'mon. Street harassment v 2. I already went trough this once. I might have to change my style for personal safety :/ I already negotiated with my mom that she shouldn't buy me clothes. But then? Will I pass as male? Will I have to switch bathrooms? I already cause a "There's a male in the female bathroom!!!" panick. I have no idea how. We'll see... Emery is a boy, news of the month... Ugh... Holy ****... So where do we get those binders and packers? I want to go out in the evening sometimes and not be harassed...

The women's societies were especially weird to deal with while I was still questioning. Honestly, the way I'm trying to make this work is that I might perform some works by women composers for them, but refuse to premiere any of my own compositions. (A trio I'm learning is going to have a cis-man in the group as well as me and a cis-woman, so if the society reacts poorly to having a man perform for their concerts, then I probably will just refuse. Though the concert would likely be next March, so I'd laugh if they react poorly to my friend playing, and then see me show up ~11 months into HRT to perform for them :lol: ) I'm guessing the reactions depend with each women's society, but I have a feeling that even if you claim that you never had a truly female experience, they'll have a "still counts" response. >>

I'm sorry to hear about the harassment you're dealing with, and I wish I knew how to help. I could imagine that all the trans politics in the spotlight right now is spurring a paranoid witch hunt. People see a blend of masculine and feminine, and the alarm bells ring "trans." There's so much focus on the MtF side of things that I'm guessing that people don't even register the possibility of someone being transmasculine, so those "trans" alarm bells actually ring "MtF trans" instead. Doesn't make it less terrible though >.<

I can understand why you would try to make yourself look more binary to spare yourself the trouble, but go figure I don't have much in the way of packers or binders. Honestly, they're such specialty items that you'll have the most luck shopping online. I'm avoiding binders to avoid the issue of wearing them too long and because I don't want to create a new standard of flatness that will make me more dysphoric when I use my current sports bras. Packers never felt like a need for me, though I'd certainly try it if I had one. STP packers would certainly have their benefits though. Still, I'm financially tied to my parents at the moment, and I don't want to have to explain that kind of purchase :lol:

Mezzo Forte Thank you so much for that small piece of insight, I have heard from others that they cant predict the effects of HRT on theyre mood either so thats nice that this is confirmed by another one.

Bleh, woman societies, they always annoy me for some reason.Im sorry you had to deal with that i can imagine how uncomfortable that can be.It kinda makes me feel like eh yeah so you say im a woman but WHAT IF I DONT FEEL LIKE A WOMAN??

Yeah, picking up on the mood should be interesting. I was a touch irritable yesterday, but it was because of the same circumstances that would make me irritable pre-T. (Namely, having to answer phone calls when I don't feel like talking. My parents are overprotective, and me trying to mitigate their worry can lead to me feeling trapped/powerless/childlike. Combine the fact that I need mental prep to handle social interaction with the fact that I can't ignore my parents phone calls, and I get more irritable than I should.) Honestly though, I don't know if I'm the best or worst person to pick up on my own mood changes over the course of HRT.

The awkward part for me is that I'm still dealing with those women's societies. As I mentioned elsewhere in the post, I'm looking for a way to appease them without compromising my own identity, especially because of how far I'll be into HRT by the time I perform for that society's concert, should I do so. Still, that's one more thing to add to the "I wonder how this next academic year is going to go" pile :P

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Mezzo Forte

[double post]

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I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't even know how that happens, seriously. I seem to have a body language that is a magnet for random jocks, but over the years, I also mastered a pose that scares them off. Here in UK, I think, transgender issues are not in spotlight - fortunately, unfortunately?

I was at an outlet mall today and had to pee super bad (excessive iced tea woot woot!), so I just headed for the... ugh, women's room, because I wasn't in any shape to pass, and I saw a sign on the door that said "WOMEN ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT". Internally, I was like "What'cha gonna do about it? Huh? Huh? Look at me! You can't stop me! Ooh I'm going in the women's room but I'm not a woman! Spooky!"

Hm, I'm only afraid in such situations that people will be staring and wondering "...man, woman...? Should I make a remark?"

i sometimes catch myself doing that and i wonder if everyone else had the same experience, trying to pass and blocking off thoughts or having dreams about being the opposite gender

Yes, me too. I had them my whole life to the point of developing a regular "alter ego" kind of thing that was stuck in my dreams and stories I wrote/imagined/drew. That. Was. Crazy. And then go fiugure what's wrong. With dreams, there is also not only what you dream of but the "content", the emotional reaction contained in a dream. And that was always pretty strong in the "guy dreams" for me, and hence they kept on bothering me :P There was something about it, as it turns out. All the blocked off thoughts in one place...

I can pass unambiguously as a girl! :P But it requires some conscious effort, otherwise, I fire off all radars that something is off about me, but nobody can place what. Cognitive dissonance. I can pass as certain types of girl. As either a sweet teenage tomboy or a "business woman". Otherwise, I guess I behave somewhat awkward. Probably that's the reason why people judge me as either 15 or 30 years old :P My taste in clothing (either hoodies and tees or something like rollneck and a jacket) doesn't help looking like a woman my age. Jeez, I don't know why it's so difficult to get across that I simply think like a guy.

Honsetly, I feel bothered since I come to the conclusion that I must feel like a man. It seems to fit, but there must have been a reason I repressed it for so long, and I'm having a horror inside my head. I feel ashamed, think that I'm crazy, because, well, I understand everything and it doesn't stem from any expectations or anything. Maybe it's because I began an extremely difficult coming out process in a world that doesn't believe that gender has a real biological component to it and that you canot be who you wish to be, but preferences for how you behave are to some degree inborn. It's very awkward: on one hand, a random jock puts me on his radar when I'm dressed feminine for my body language and my vibrations solely, I suspect, on the other, nobody believes in the existance of gender. I think that maybe gender is one of those too obvious truths. It's like... you can't see a shape if you are stuck in considering pixels separately.

they'll have a "still counts" response. >>

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't bother and let myself be the person that makes them an inclusive society :P The "Look... some guy seaked into the photo... no, it's a lesbian... good they are inclusive !" Maybe I should widen the definition of "woman"! Ha. Why not. People perceive me as a woman, at least some of them, so maybe that counts...?

Honestly, the way I'm trying to make this work is that I might perform some works by women composers for them, but refuse to premiere any of my own compositions.

That's a solution, Mezzo.

I think I would have not much problem buying the binder, and would probably use it only when I need to come across as something specific... No dysphoria involved. It really surprises me that I sometimes come across as transfeminine. Seriously, in high school someone thought I'm a trans woman at some point. And I also thought at some point I must have been born something different and I looked for scars or other traces. What am I still... Typical story... How would I get this idea if something was not up? I'm not stupid, I can do some culculus ;) I'm mentally healthy too.

I feel you on the parents thing, Mezzo. Mine are also that protective and talkative, when... I hate phones. I simply hate phones. And don't know what to write back. "Yuppie, I like cake!"? C'mon...

With the harassment, I think I finally figured out why, I joined the dots. But nobody will believe me, even though I proved to myself experiementally that it's the clothing and its gendered coding. Normal scietific procedure :P Correlation is linear. The more feminine, the more stares. Which only proves my lack of feel in the area.

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Calligraphette_Coe

I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't even know how that happens, seriously. I seem to have a body language that is a magnet for random jocks, but over the years, I also mastered a pose that scares them off.

If I may be so bold to say what my experiences have taught me from going to Trans Chapter meetings where there were 'tourists', I think I know exactly what you're finding happening to you. Though it was the opposite side of the same coin, it just doesn't occur to you that Real Life straight jocks sometimes get a touch of what I call The Lola Syndrome. There used to be an old song from Brit group called The Kinks by that same name:

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls

It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola

La-la-la-la Lola

Until you experience it, everything you've ever been shown or taught will keep you from seeing the truth of these special little moments in time. And that Truth is that sometimes, biological sex has absolutely nada to do with the attraction that gets going there. What's *really* happening is that those seemingly Randoms, who can no more admit it to themselves that we can until we Just Know that what is Floating Their Boat is like gender catnip-- they're attracted to Gender With a Trans Component hinted. It literally is that strong an attraction.

And you know the *really* crazy part? You often *can* have non-sexual, nice relationships with them. Sadly, they never seem to last, but then, what does? But take my word for it, you *can* have an almost Jedi mind influence on a good flirt with these special people.

Don't write off the obvious just because it doesn't seem intuitive-- that some people find something undeniably compelling about masculine biofemales and feminine biomales. And that some people find something compelling in just flirting or being flirted with, without it ever going past a wink and a nudge.

It's not always something to do with You Know What/How.

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I didn't think about it like this, Caligrapette. You're right.

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Mezzo Forte

they'll have a "still counts" response. >>

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't bother and let myself be the person that makes them an inclusive society :P The "Look... some guy seaked into the photo... no, it's a lesbian... good they are inclusive !" Maybe I should widen the definition of "woman"! Ha. Why not. People perceive me as a woman, at least some of them, so maybe that counts...?

Honestly, the way I'm trying to make this work is that I might perform some works by women composers for them, but refuse to premiere any of my own compositions.

That's a solution, Mezzo.

I think I would have not much problem buying the binder, and would probably use it only when I need to come across as something specific... No dysphoria involved. It really surprises me that I sometimes come across as transfeminine. Seriously, in high school someone thought I'm a trans woman at some point. And I also thought at some point I must have been born something different and I looked for scars or other traces. What am I still... Typical story... How would I get this idea if something was not up? I'm not stupid, I can do some culculus ;) I'm mentally healthy too.

I feel you on the parents thing, Mezzo. Mine are also that protective and talkative, when... I hate phones. I simply hate phones. And don't know what to write back. "Yuppie, I like cake!"? C'mon...

With the harassment, I think I finally figured out why, I joined the dots. But nobody will believe me, even though I proved to myself experiementally that it's the clothing and its gendered coding. Normal scietific procedure :P Correlation is linear. The more feminine, the more stares. Which only proves my lack of feel in the area.

Gotta love the awkwardness of diversity pushing, especially when it involves oversimplification of others' identities. (I wonder how some of these societies respond to transwomen in contrast to transmen. Nonbinary is easy enough to guess with the aforementioned oversimplification.)

I could imagine that coming across as transfeminine when you're AFAB is pretty bizarre to experience. I could only imagine that it makes the questioning process all the stranger too.

As far as phones go, I wish I could go dark for a week or something, but I think my family would call the police if I did. Usually, I get around the irritation by calling my family first, because then I'm mentally prepped to handle it, and they don't bother calling later. The overprotectiveness of my family is a long conversation to have, because minus the academic interference, I basically have helicopter parents even though I'm nearing 23. I struggle enough with my body seeming childlike because of my size and current androgynous-ish appearance (not enough to get sir'd, but enough for people to think I'm 13), so adding financial dependence and the constant watch of my parents kind of exacerbates things. I really am grateful for everything my family has done for me, so I feel guilty even saying this much, but for someone who tends to have a very internal locus of control, I feel way too trapped by all this.

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butterflydreams

Thank you so much for the well wishes on the letter, friends <3

I'm planning to send it tomorrow because the weekend got crazy with a visit with an old college friend. I met more new people as Hadley this weekend than in all the time I've been my whole self. It was exhausting. I also spent more time in public among people than I ever have before. My friend said she noticed I was hanging behind a lot, avoiding eye contact, being really quiet and timid (even more so than usual). She said she was staring people down because she didn't want anyone starting anything. I felt bad, but she was happy to see me. All of her friends that I met seemed to like me.

I think the biggest issue was that I'm a highly sensitive person, and I get overwhelmed really easily and the city (Boston) is just too much. The happy place for this girl is a cottage in the woods with a garden so she can be left alone.

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I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't even know how that happens, seriously. I seem to have a body language that is a magnet for random jocks, but over the years, I also mastered a pose that scares them off.

If I may be so bold to say what my experiences have taught me from going to Trans Chapter meetings where there were 'tourists', I think I know exactly what you're finding happening to you. Though it was the opposite side of the same coin, it just doesn't occur to you that Real Life straight jocks sometimes get a touch of what I call The Lola Syndrome. There used to be an old song from Brit group called The Kinks by that same name

I just listened to this song, it made me laugh so much.

That got me laughing most:

Well I'm not the world's most masculine man,

But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man,

And so is Lola.

Lo lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola.

So true.

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butterflydreams

Just mailed the letter. I have the day off, thank god. I'm going to try to stay very busy with some work around the house so I don't cry :(

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Gentle Giant

I hope all goes well for you, Hadley. I was thinking, by sending the photo with your coworker it might be helpful for your parents to show that you are being accepted by other people. I think that is one of the worries parents have.

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Just mailed the letter. I have the day off, thank god. I'm going to try to stay very busy with some work around the house so I don't cry :(

Im here for you, your an awesome, amazing person, with so much courage Hadley. Do you have a garden? This is the first year i've been able to keep mine alive, I usuallh forget about it.

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butterflydreams

I hope all goes well for you, Hadley. I was thinking, by sending the photo with your coworker it might be helpful for your parents to show that you are being accepted by other people. I think that is one of the worries parents have.

Thanks <3

That's a good point I hadn't thought of. If they did feel that way, I'm not even sure they'd tell me. Maybe they do. I hope they do, because that would mean this resistance is coming from a place of caring.

Just mailed the letter. I have the day off, thank god. I'm going to try to stay very busy with some work around the house so I don't cry :(

Im here for you, your an awesome, amazing person, with so much courage Hadley. Do you have a garden? This is the first year i've been able to keep mine alive, I usuallh forget about it.

I do. I used my day off to get a second bag of potting soil for my four long boxes on my deck. They're going to have all my herbs (chamomile, peppermint, dill) and probably my turnips this year. I'm hoping to talk to my landlord/neighbor today about getting a plot in one of their gardens. I've got pickling cukes, zucchini, black cherry tomatoes and sweet corn for that this year. I've chickened out on asking for a plot almost every year, even though they offer one every year. Yet another sign I'm getting better.

To steal a phrase from a trans woman blogger I follow, this is the Year of Hadley. With any luck, it'll be the first of many.

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Keeping you in my thoughts Hadley.

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(I was thinking of Oddball's comments in Kelly's Heroes, something along the lines of "so many positive waves!")

Best wishes, Hadley! We're all here for you! (even if it seems like a Sherman against a Tiger) :)

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(I was thinking of Oddball's comments in Kelly's Heroes, something along the lines of "so many positive waves!")

Best wishes, Hadley! We're all here for you! (even if it seems like a Sherman against a Tiger) :)

Oddball was always my favorite character in that movie! Woof Woof! Really, it's hard to go wrong when you're Donald Sutherland. Also, I wish to echo everyone else's sentiments re: Hadley's letter. You have overcome so much already, so what's one more step?

Also, in other news, I made a pretty big step myself this week...I started HRT!! It's been something I've talked about for a good while now, and it's finally becoming real!

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butterflydreams

Yay JAKQ! Omg, that is awesome news! I am so happy for you! :cake: and *hugs*

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Congratulations JAKQ!!! thats wonderful!!!

I almost emailed a local gender clincic, you could talk to them completely anonymous but i was like eh nopenopenope.I'm obviously not ready for such a thing so lets scrap that off my list and focus on other things for now :D

Best wishes to you Hadley I have been thinking about you and kept you in my prayers

Bleh, gardening. I remember i once had the crazy idea of keeping plants in my house they died after a year in my hands, I guess i didnt inherit that part from my mom :P

I can pass unambiguously as a girl! :P But it requires some conscious effort, otherwise, I fire off all radars that something is off about me, but nobody can place what. Cognitive dissonance. I can pass as certain types of girl. As either a sweet teenage tomboy or a "business woman". Otherwise, I guess I behave somewhat awkward. Probably that's the reason why people judge me as either 15 or 30 years old :P My taste in clothing (either hoodies and tees or something like rollneck and a jacket) doesn't help looking like a woman my age. Jeez, I don't know why it's so difficult to get across that I simply think like a guy.

Honsetly, I feel bothered since I come to the conclusion that I must feel like a man. It seems to fit, but there must have been a reason I repressed it for so long, and I'm having a horror inside my head. I feel ashamed, think that I'm crazy, because, well, I understand everything and it doesn't stem from any expectations or anything. Maybe it's because I began an extremely difficult coming out process in a world that doesn't believe that gender has a real biological component to it and that you canot be who you wish to be, but preferences for how you behave are to some degree inborn. It's very awkward: on one hand, a random jock puts me on his radar when I'm dressed feminine for my body language and my vibrations solely, I suspect, on the other, nobody believes in the existance of gender. I think that maybe gender is one of those too obvious truths. It's like... you can't see a shape if you are stuck in considering pixels separately.

Emery its cool to know im not the only one here! I do everything possible to pass as a girl.Buy perfume,buy purses,buy nailpolish and even try to shop for decent clothes but i still cant pull it off.My mom recently told me i needed new clothes. I hate shopping and im not looking forward because i wouldnt have an idea how to look nice I have always mixed and matched clothes for decades.Today for example im wearing my male sports pants and female hoodie ontop. I really have a problem xD I know it requires effort but i dont know how to make that effort! That has been my problem for years :D People always think im 16 while im in my mid 30's but thats more because i look way younger then my age.

Gender can be a completely weird thing im still trying to understand soo welcome to the world of gender-confusion! Its nice to know im not the only one out there!

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