TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Kellam]

It sure does get harder once we start admitting our truth, whether out loud or in private. The assumptions and rules of the world that were once crushing weights can become cudgels. But stay strong, try to learn from those cudgel blows. Each one holds a lesson. Even more importantly, listen to yourself, to your truth. It will lead the way.

[Fire Monkey]

I hope I handled that ok. The last thing I want to be doing is confusing some poor little kid. I was really nervous.

Nah, you did fine. Kiddoes are the absolute worst for clocking, but if you respond to them in 'mommy; talk, they usually get all 'Wow!' and you don't mind their questions. Most respond well to positive attention from adults and if they feel like their thoughts and feelings matter to you, they'll love you to pieces. So, just like you did, respond back to their questions with your own questions and put a lot of modulation in your voice, and they'll often see and accept you as a lady.

*bold is mine

Yes, exactly. And they also "get it" if you have to say, "<That word> hurts my feelings--I like it better when people call me <this word> instead."

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I hope I handled that ok. The last thing I want to be doing is confusing some poor little kid. I was really nervous.

Nah, you did fine. Kiddoes are the absolute worst for clocking, but if you respond to them in 'mommy; talk, they usually get all 'Wow!' and you don't mind their questions. Most respond well to positive attention from adults and if they feel like their thoughts and feelings matter to you, they'll love you to pieces. So, just like you did, respond back to their questions with your own questions and put a lot of modulation in your voice, and they'll often see and accept you as a lady.

*bold is mine

Yes, exactly. And they also "get it" if you have to say, "<That word> hurts my feelings--I like it better when people call me <this word> instead."

I think it's one of the wonders of the Universe that kids start out with an inborn narcissism, but then manage to turn it outward to realize that everybody can be happy if we all play nice and be excellent to each other.

Then puberty comes along and it turns inward again under the fierce gaze of competition.....

[butterflydreams]

I hope I handled that ok. The last thing I want to be doing is confusing some poor little kid. I was really nervous.

Nah, you did fine. Kiddoes are the absolute worst for clocking, but if you respond to them in 'mommy; talk, they usually get all 'Wow!' and you don't mind their questions. Most respond well to positive attention from adults and if they feel like their thoughts and feelings matter to you, they'll love you to pieces. So, just like you did, respond back to their questions with your own questions and put a lot of modulation in your voice, and they'll often see and accept you as a lady.

Yeah. I think in some ways, it was similar to when that dog that only barks at men was not having me a few weeks ago. A little kid doesn't understand the nuances. She's just going on what she sees and what little experience she has in the world. She's pretty smart, and definitely saw that there was something different about me. Like I said, she has fun coming into the office and seeing everybody.

Being transgender to me, lately just means being afraid of almost everything. I want to apply at that YMCA for reduced rates so I can exercise in the pool which will hopefully help my depression. However I have to consider if I am going to tell them I'm trans, what locker room to use, what swimming suit to wear. If I do tell them I'm trans and they just tell me to get out, there aren't any other gyms with pools in my town, and I definiantly can't afford a lawsuit, never mind the fact that I personally believe they have the right to refuse service to anyone as a non-vital buisness. Being trans makes everything harder. Even if I do tell them I'm trans what if it somhow gets out, I could cause a bloody news article just by going to the gym. No one would ever choose this.

As someone who despises negative attention, that kind of potential for discrimination (particularly news-worthy discrimination) scares the crap out of me. Nobody should have to have this kind of fear color what should be mundane events. I hope that you get to swim in peace soon!

Very much agree. It's so tough. Even that moment before you even do anything, and you just start to panic about all the little things that are now problems. I was recently thinking about going camping at some state parks this summer, like I loved doing when I was little. But then it dawned on me: I don't have swimming figured out 100% yet, and how am I going to handle the bathroom situation at the park? (They all have bathrooms available at the parks).

I don't know your situation too well, but I've been learning that sometimes you can test the waters as best you can, but then you have to decide if you're going to take a chance. It's mind numbingly hard. And each time is just as hard as the last for me. But for all that effort I'm carving out my world as a transwoman. Piece by painstaking piece. Especially in the beginning, I was a complete mess (often still am). You can see it in so many of my posts here. But if I can do it, you can too! *hugs* You really can do it. I believe in you. I believe you'll figure something out.

I hope I handled that ok. The last thing I want to be doing is confusing some poor little kid. I was really nervous.

Nah, you did fine. Kiddoes are the absolute worst for clocking, but if you respond to them in 'mommy; talk, they usually get all 'Wow!' and you don't mind their questions. Most respond well to positive attention from adults and if they feel like their thoughts and feelings matter to you, they'll love you to pieces. So, just like you did, respond back to their questions with your own questions and put a lot of modulation in your voice, and they'll often see and accept you as a lady.

*bold is mine

Yes, exactly. And they also "get it" if you have to say, "<That word> hurts my feelings--I like it better when people call me <this word> instead."

:) I talked to her mom afterwards just to let her know what happened. She's been an awesome friend and supporter to me and she absolutely didn't mind. I definitely feel like since starting transition I feel a lot better around kids. I'd really like to be a mom. So it's reassuring to me that I did ok with this kid. I smiled, and I did have a lot of modulation in my voice...I didn't even think about it.

And I have to conclude this story with the super sweet ending. When it was time for her to go, her mom said, "ok, we're going now, go say goodbye to Hadley". She comes into my office all sheepish in an adorable kid way, runs the last few steps to me arms outstretched, "BYE HADLEY!" And gives me a big hug.

[Rin-likes-rain]

I never liked being called "she" but when I started referring to myself as he, I didn't find it nearly as satisfying. And when I put my gender as male, I felt like I was lying. It didn't feel quite right. It took me a long time to figure out what I was, and I'm not quite sure I'm done. From what I can tell, my gender is fluid, but it also has stagnant bits. So I looked up non-binary genders and came across several that felt right (collgender and ambonic) but those still felt wrong. Or at least not quite right. And then I came across demifluid and I'm like, "As close as it gets!" The parts of me that are stagnant are masculine gender feelings and feelings of neutrality. Rarely do I feel female. And I mean, rarer than a giant albino wolf howling at a blue moon from space rare. Occasionally feminine feelings, sometimes both but neither.

[Heart]

HEY ALL!!!

I'm finally caught up :D

*hugs* to everyone who needs/wants them.

But also, so many congratulations are in order! The amount of personal growth in this thread is truly overwhelming.

You are all amazing people!!!

[Emery.]

Hi Heart! :)

[Evren]

HEY ALL!!!

I'm finally caught up :D

*hugs* to everyone who needs/wants them.

But also, so many congratulations are in order! The amount of personal growth in this thread is truly overwhelming.

You are all amazing people!!!

And this is why Heart should be president of the United States :)

[Heart]

Only the United States? Dang... I was aiming for Ruler Almighty of the World ;)

Though I'm not going to lie. The idea of being the first genderqueer not-American president is amusing on many levels ^_^

[Mezzo Forte]

So even though I'm in the middle of grading hell (ohhh the things undergrads say), I think I can take two minutes to share some news on here :)

I gave my mom permission to talk to my brother for me about my transition, and I gave my sister that same permission for her boyfriend (who is basically a second brother at this point), and they both relayed their responses to me.

My brother's response was "I know." He was super great about it and said he could sense that I wasn't really a girl ever since I was a child. He even said that his wife is accepting of trans people (a huge shock for me since she's kind of a misandrist). He doesn't know how to discuss this with his kids once I decide to let them know, but I think that if both him and his wife are this accepting, my niece and nephew will pick up on that and be understanding too. (I feel really bad for ever thinking he was homophobic and unsure about how he'd respond. My brother made it clear to my mother that he is accepting of everyone, regardless of orientation or gender.)

My sister was more vague about her boyfriend's response, but said that he was super accepting and absolutely loved the name I'm thinking about going by.

Either way, it's probably awful that I had other people come out for me, but man did that make things easier for me! The only non-blood sibling I have left to eventually discuss this with is my host-sister from my study abroad some years ago, and I have time to figure out how to broach this with her :)

[butterflydreams]

Either way, it's probably awful that I had other people come out for me, but man did that make things easier for me!

Nah, you did great!

I'm glad to hear about your brother. We often tend to focus on the surprises that are bad ("oh my mom is so unaccepting of me") rather than the surprises that are good. My sister totally surprised me in support (almost hilarious in its casualness). "You're trans? Ok...and...? I'm busy. Boyfriend and I are going out for food." Those kinds of surprises are good.

I wish you many, many more good surprises, Mezzo *hugs*

[Autumn Sunrise]

That's great news, Mezzo :D

[Autumn Sunrise]

Hadley, I think the way you handled your conversation with that little girl was just perfect! Children take their cues from adults, and you gave her the right cue here :)

Evren, I'm really sorry that your life is so filled with doubt and fear at the moment. I don't really have any practical advice to offer, but I do hope that things get better for you soon. Maybe it's just worthwhile reminding yourself that while some people are ignorant and bigoted, a surprising number are actually understanding and caring, when they get to know you.

[daveb]

That's great, Mezzo!

When I came out about being CD to my one sister I told her it was okay for her to tell anyone she thought she should or whatever. So she told her (grown) daughters and a few other members of our family and proved that my faith in her judgment was good. She told me at the time that she was building up a <my femme name> fan club. With my youngest brother I still don't know if anyone told him. He saw me in my witch costume at Halloween and we talked just like we always do. So if he knew or figured it out he didn't seem to mind.

[butterflydreams]

I made my second voyage out into the summer-ish world during the daylight today. Had to get some stuff at the more "blue collar" grocery store that I've mostly avoided so far. But it's the only store that has the things I need sometimes. I was pretty nervous, but not heart beating in my throat nervous. I think I'm getting better.

Then I went and picked up a pizza under the name, "Hadley".

While I was sitting in the car waiting for the pizza, it occurred to me that I don't think I've ever in my whole life worked as hard on something as I have on this. Life would sure be a lot easier and less complicated if I wasn't doing this, but I'm still pushing forward anyway. I think that says something about how important it really is.

[Lightning Blue Ray]

I've been grappling with myself the past few days, but honestly, it feels great to know that this is who I am, right now. Also, I used to think I was a demigirl, but now I think I'll just stick to demigender, since it's less specific, which is the way I like it, at least for now. Still figuring myself out along the way, and I'm grateful for the support here.

[Heart]

[veearrell]

Found some very interesting information today. Apparently, it's been confirmed by multiple independent sources (i.e. customers who asked) that both Wal-Mart AND K-Mart have the exact same policy that Target does, they simply haven't said so officially on the record because they don't want any headlines, which is understandable. I feel kind of bad for them. Seeing the reaction to Target's announcement puts them between a rock and a hard place in that if they were to publicly agree with it, the shitstorm they'd get from the religious right would dwarf what Target's going through by a significant margin but, obviously, publicly disagreeing would be completely unacceptable. I can see where they'd think that saying nothing would be the best option.

[butterflydreams]

... both Wal-Mart AND K-Mart have the exact same policy that Target does, they simply haven't said so officially on the record because they don't want any headlines, which is understandable.

Wait, what? K-Mart is still around? Hehe, no, but this makes perfect sense. I mean, Target is actually a pretty good store, but Wal-Mart? Think about all the hate Wal-Mart already gets. They definitely don't need any more. Especially considering they're headquartered in Arkansas. Them having this policy isn't terribly surprising though. They want to make money.

I have a question for folks here. My friend was going to a wedding today and she described her outfit and said she'd send a photo my way. She looked great. It was a very nice dress. But I couldn't help but feel a little envious. She just gets to do that, and it's no big deal. We got to talking about weddings and stuff and she was again telling me how much she was waiting for a ring from her boyfriend (it's pretty much a done deal, just a matter of when). I like being there to reassure her that waiting is ok, and it'll happen. Inside though, I feel sad because she can just do that, and it's no big deal.

Is it ok to feel sad about that kind of thing? Or envious? I mean, wow, it's just there. She just does it. And once she's married and in a house, bam, kids. She can just do it. -_-

[daveb]

There's a K-Mart in my town (and a Target and a Walmart, among other stores). I read that Sears was going to close a bunch of the K-Mart stores, though (I guess Sears is the parent company).

Sure, it's okay to feel sad or envious. Those are normal natural emotions and reactions to such things. As long as you don't let those emotions cause any issues with your friend (like being so envious you neglect her), you're fine. And I'm sure you're a good friend and considerate enough that you wouldn't let that happen.

[butterflydreams]

Sure, it's okay to feel sad or envious. Those are normal natural emotions and reactions to such things. As long as you don't let those emotions cause any issues with your friend (like being so envious you neglect her), you're fine. And I'm sure you're a good friend and considerate enough that you wouldn't let that happen.

No definitely not. I always try to be supportive of her when she's concerned about it. Sometimes it just hurts though.

[Guest]

Wow so much to read!

Mezzo Forte, Im very happy for you!

Fluorine, I'ts totally ok to keep on figuring your gender I switched between terms so often that I just wanted to give up but after a long time of searching, talking and reading i finally found the term i was looking for.It takes time to find things and its good that you are taking the time to search for the right term.

Hadley. Im glad to read about these small baby steps you are making there! Keep em coming! I love reading about them!

Oh hello Heart! Long time no see! and I was thinking: If you are going to be the president then i want to be the queen :P

Small update on me: Im ok just floating around here. I havent had the courage to actually go out and try male underwear just yet but i did get male sweaters and pants. I almost freaked out when i had to pay at the register afraid of all the weird faces. I still want to get underwear but i dont know if i can do it. I think i just need to grow into things or try to convince myself i can do it and right now i feel like i cant do that yet.

My gender really sucks right now because im stuck in my girl mood its annoying because i know im going to throw away alot of things later.. *Sighs* thats the sad part of being me. I dont know when the weather will change but im seriously hoping ill be getting a few sunny days because i need them.

As for the "organic transitioning": I have been looking for a gym but something came in between so ill start looking again next week. I really want to start with my own journey its just a little later then planned but im still super exited to start

[Evren]

Jayce, The male underwear takes some psyching up to get yourself to go do it. Unfortunately I got the wrong size the first time I went so I then had to go back and exchange it, which included even more odd looks. :)

[Heart]

... both Wal-Mart AND K-Mart have the exact same policy that Target does, they simply haven't said so officially on the record because they don't want any headlines, which is understandable.

Wait, what? K-Mart is still around? Hehe, no, but this makes perfect sense. I mean, Target is actually a pretty good store, but Wal-Mart? Think about all the hate Wal-Mart already gets. They definitely don't need any more. Especially considering they're headquartered in Arkansas. Them having this policy isn't terribly surprising though. They want to make money.

I have a question for folks here. My friend was going to a wedding today and she described her outfit and said she'd send a photo my way. She looked great. It was a very nice dress. But I couldn't help but feel a little envious. She just gets to do that, and it's no big deal. We got to talking about weddings and stuff and she was again telling me how much she was waiting for a ring from her boyfriend (it's pretty much a done deal, just a matter of when). I like being there to reassure her that waiting is ok, and it'll happen. Inside though, I feel sad because she can just do that, and it's no big deal.

Is it ok to feel sad about that kind of thing? Or envious? I mean, wow, it's just there. She just does it. And once she's married and in a house, bam, kids. She can just do it. -_-

Yes, it's ok. I actually feel this too a lot of the time, but for slightly different reasons. I see cis people out and around, who go to work every day. And I'm jealous, and sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be no good at work. Heck, I am a PhD student so I can work from home and on weekends to make up for days that I can't leave the apartment for bad dysphoria, but what happens when I have a "real" job? What if I get fired right away because I call in "sick" one too many times? And that's not even counting the days I'm devastatingly in pain from that stupid "time of the month" and I can't leave my bed, nonetheless the apartment. What if I'm just too sick or broken to be "good enough" for a real job? Why can cis people just walk around, confident in their ability to hold down a 9 to 5, just like that, never terrified they'll miss a huge deadline because suddenly their body was wrong? Where's the justice?

I work hard though, and all I can do is have faith that someone out there will recognise that for what it is. Yeah, maybe I get random unpredictable days when I can't leave my apartment for the physical pain of periods or the psychological pain of dysphoria. But I work hard to make that up. And someone out there has to see the value in me. And I have vague and far-off plans for things I can do to ease the dysphoria and the periods, I want to remove my uterus. So that problem can largely be dealt with, hopefully in the next few years (fingers crossed).

There will always be that voice in my head though, that complains that I have to go to all this extra length, work weekends and evenings and long hours to make up for sick time, just because of who I am. It's not fair. And even after all this, I still doubt my own self-worth in the work environment.

What I try to remember though is that everyone has their own demons. Maybe a cis woman can put on a dress "just like that" and be happy, but maybe she spent hours in front of the mirror wondering if it showed the belly rolls or extra skin around the arms that she's so self-conscious about, wondering if it flattered her or made her look fat. Maybe she's struggled her whole life to accept her body too. We never know. After all, body discontent can hit anyone, of any weight or gender or skin colour or anything. I don't think anyone gets a free pass in this word. It's often easy to think we have it hardest, but it helps me to remember that a lot of people struggle with their bodies for many reasons outside of gender, and we all have our own demons. I don't know if that'll help you or not, but it does help me in an odd way.

Oh hello Heart! Long time no see! and I was thinking: If you are going to be the president then i want to be the queen :P

Small update on me: Im ok just floating around here. I havent had the courage to actually go out and try male underwear just yet but i did get male sweaters and pants. I almost freaked out when i had to pay at the register afraid of all the weird faces. I still want to get underwear but i dont know if i can do it. I think i just need to grow into things or try to convince myself i can do it and right now i feel like i cant do that yet.

My gender really sucks right now because im stuck in my girl mood its annoying because i know im going to throw away alot of things later.. *Sighs* thats the sad part of being me. I dont know when the weather will change but im seriously hoping ill be getting a few sunny days because i need them.

As for the "organic transitioning": I have been looking for a gym but something came in between so ill start looking again next week. I really want to start with my own journey its just a little later then planned but im still super exited to start

Sweet! Now we have a president and a queen, all we need is a knight in shining armour, a jester, and maybe a king. Any volunteers? ;)

[Mezzo Forte]

Sweet! Now we have a president and a queen, all we need is a knight in shining armour, a jester, and maybe a king. Any volunteers? ;)

Oooo, do we still need a bard/court musician? :P

Otherwise, I do technically make my living by hitting things, so I might not be the worst knight. Hell, after all these years of making female characters in MMOs so people wouldn't ask questions, it'd be nice to finally wear armor that isn't a chainmail bikini :lol:

(I'd joke about wearing one once I'm farther along on HRT, but now I'm just imagining my potential chest hair getting caught in the chainmail, so maybe I'll need plate armor instead :P )

[Kalz]

Sweet! Now we have a president and a queen, all we need is a knight in shining armour, a jester, and maybe a king. Any volunteers? ;)

I call jester, as long as I don't get beheaded...

At least not without a heads up. *Rimshot*

[butterflydreams]

What if I'm just too sick or broken to be "good enough" for a real job? Why can cis people just walk around, confident in their ability to hold down a 9 to 5, just like that, never terrified they'll miss a huge deadline because suddenly their body was wrong? Where's the justice?

My situation might be specific, but just so you don't feel like it's totally hopeless, I've held down a 9-5 for 6 years. Hell, I'm being promoted in a month. Yes, it's because my boss is leaving, but they still have the confidence in me (thank god...someone has to, and it ain't me). Somehow I make it happen. As I've always made it happen. Even if some days I hold back tears. Even if I hear a lot of "he-s" on one particular day. I'm nothing special. I just do my best.

There will always be that voice in my head though, that complains that I have to go to all this extra length, work weekends and evenings and long hours to make up for sick time, just because of who I am. It's not fair. And even after all this, I still doubt my own self-worth in the work environment.

You shouldn't. Hard work and a job well done should speak for themselves with good employers. *hugs*

What I try to remember though is that everyone has their own demons. Maybe a cis woman can put on a dress "just like that" and be happy, but maybe she spent hours in front of the mirror wondering if it showed the belly rolls or extra skin around the arms that she's so self-conscious about, wondering if it flattered her or made her look fat. Maybe she's struggled her whole life to accept her body too. We never know. After all, body discontent can hit anyone, of any weight or gender or skin colour or anything. I don't think anyone gets a free pass in this word. It's often easy to think we have it hardest, but it helps me to remember that a lot of people struggle with their bodies for many reasons outside of gender, and we all have our own demons. I don't know if that'll help you or not, but it does help me in an odd way.

I know. And I think it's a good thing to remind myself. I feel bad for my friend that she feels like she's the last one on the bus. She said how down she felt that everyone she was sitting with at the wedding had wedding rings of their own. I know that stuff is really important to her, and I want it for her. She deserves it. And I really try to remind her whenever I can that she's not that far behind. That these other friends of hers are accelerated (at least, they seem to be from my perspective). That she's got the ingredients ready and mixed and all she needs to do is wait for the dough to rise.

I try so hard to show her these things. Because from where I stand, she's miles ahead of me. Hell, we're not even on the same road probably. Like every other friend I've ever had, I'm sure I'll eventually be waving goodbye to her as she falls below the horizon. Until that happens though, I'll keep cheering her on.

Sweet! Now we have a president and a queen, all we need is a knight in shining armour, a jester, and maybe a king. Any volunteers? ;)

I finally watched To Wong Foo, and I think I might be up to like 1...1 and a half Princess Points™ and I think it's out of 4.

[Heart]

*hugs* Hadley! It's encouraging to know that people do in fact make it out there in the Big Bad Real World. I'm going to give it my best shot, and I have no doubt I will find a way to succeed. And if not, then that's their loss! ;)

And to everyone else; we have an epic group going. I like this roster! A few more, and we could make the best eclectic group of adventurers ever to rule the US! :P

[daveb]

Jayce, The male underwear takes some psyching up to get yourself to go do it. Unfortunately I got the wrong size the first time I went so I then had to go back and exchange it, which included even more odd looks. :)

I don't know if it helps, but lots of women buy male underwear for the males in their family. Or it might help to do it close to a shopping occasion like Christmas? I know the trepidation though! I backed out and/or hesitated so many times when I went shopping for women's clothing, especially in the early days. But there were a few times when I did it and it was great. At first I shopped in male mode. One time I went to a department store and told the saleswoman I was looking for a set of red lingerie. I didn't say who it was for. Picked out a nice set (which she later said was the same as what she was wearing and she loved it; probably just a sales technique). Then another time, in male mode, I went into a women's clothing store in the mall and told them I was looking for clothes for myself. That was nerve-wracking! But they were totally cool, and got me set up with a dressing room and brought stuff to try on and it was awesome (and I probably spent too much!). These days, on the infrequent occasions when I go shopping for women's clothing and makeup and stuff, I do it en femme, and have had no issues.

Well, Heart, I think I'd want to be the elven prince/ss (or magician/rogue?) :D (but in reality I'm more like a hobbit, at least mentally, loving the comforts of home and regular meals and all) :lol:

[Fire Monkey]

I have a question for folks here. My friend was going to a wedding today and she described her outfit and said she'd send a photo my way. She looked great. It was a very nice dress. But I couldn't help but feel a little envious. She just gets to do that, and it's no big deal. We got to talking about weddings and stuff and she was again telling me how much she was waiting for a ring from her boyfriend (it's pretty much a done deal, just a matter of when). I like being there to reassure her that waiting is ok, and it'll happen. Inside though, I feel sad because she can just do that, and it's no big deal.

Is it ok to feel sad about that kind of thing? Or envious? I mean, wow, it's just there. She just does it. And once she's married and in a house, bam, kids. She can just do it. -_-

Hadley, I saw this post over the weekend and didn't respond, mostly because daveb said what I probably would have said anyway. Today something happened, I changed my mind. "She can just do it." Today I ran into local friend who is a little farther along the same path that you're on. She is heart-crushingly beautiful: tall, slender, athletic. All the residual male physical and emotional power and feminine beauty, too. And I have a hard time thinking about her because I'm such a troll in comparison and I always feel like taking a dive off the ferry after I talk to her, I am so jealous. I have the chromosomes and I still can't make it work. How does she get to do that? "She can just do it."

The truth of it is, my dear, that you probably have more raw material to work with than I ever had. Careful. I could be jealous of you, too. ;)