iff Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 that's cool kellam :) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kelly Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Awesome news, Kellam. :) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Congratulations, Kellam! for you and your friends. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Congrats Kellam!!!!!!! On another note, I saw this and it made my day. I thought I'd share. 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Just another Saturday night :) 13 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kellam Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Looking good daveb! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Sunrise Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I knew that being trans was very difficult, but I'm only just learning how very challenging and confronting it can be. I think you guys are awesome - every last one of you! I hope that each of you can make the journey to being the person you believe you should be, and find peace and happiness in your life. And Zen - I find it almost impossible to imagine having to deal with people whose thinking is so twisted and cruel - take care, and stay safe! *hugs* and love to all of you 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I knew that being trans was very difficult, but I'm only just learning how very challenging and confronting it can be. I think you guys are awesome - every last one of you! I hope that each of you can make the journey to being the person you believe you should be, and find peace and happiness in your life. And Zen - I find it almost impossible to imagine having to deal with people whose thinking is so twisted and cruel - take care, and stay safe! *hugs* and love to all of you Thanks for being my friend, Autumn. I just feel soo isolated and alone sometimes, and then to also have to deal with people who would doxx you and see you fired from your job while they high-five with their friends just makes it that much more unbearable at times. Two years ago I took a trip during what little vacation time I'm allowed to take these days, and found a good place to disappear to, if the need arrives. Picture this: it's Sunday morning right after Church services have left out, and my friend and I go to the local greasy spoon to get breakfast. Half the people there are in their Sunday Bests, the rest are bikers and longhairs like me and my friend. I'm thinking 'Uh-oh' and then a marvelous thing happened. Turns out just about everyone there knows everyone else by their first name. And nobody but my friend knows me. People see this androgynous stranger and want to know who it is. So my friend starts to introduce me to them because he lives in the area. And everyone is just SOOOOO sincerely nice!!!! (Crap, I even have tears running down my face as I type this I'm soo overwhelmed by people's niceness sometimes.) I check my pulse to see if I'm still alive. Then my friend wants to take me to his Church to help set up for an afternoon activity. I'm out to him, and he read my mind and said, "Don't worry, it'll be fine." And it was. Again, everyone was soo nice and thanked me sincerely for helping out with some wiring. I guess it's as close to Heart's recent Perfect World thread as I've seen in a looooong, long time. It's still like a perfect moment in time in memory in which I can live over and over again when confronted with the Haters who would pull the wings off butterflies to get revenge on Beauty. Autumn, please retell our stories, we need all the help we can get. 9 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kelly Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 That was an awesome post, Zen. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S.. Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Omgosh daveb! That bottom right picture is spectularly awesome! Also, you look cute in all of them ^_^. Zen. That's how it should be everywhere. Awesome! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 That was an awesome post, Zen. Thanks, Kelly. I sometimes think I'll scream and jump off a bridge if I hear another Macho at work jeer "Mariposa" as if I didn't know what they were saying. But then moments like that one above happen in such beautiful serendipity, that I can't help but wonder if maybe all the bad stuff is to give one the eyes to see past the barkers in the oft' daily carnival of bigotry. Such that instead of being the marks for their games, one comes away with a prize they can't fathom-- to see the angel of better natures smile through the eyes of people who don't know they have it in them either. The Universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, Feminist Poet 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Apropo to that quote, Terry Pratchett calls it "narrativium". :) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Sunrise Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Thanks, Dave - I hadn't come across that expression before (although the root meaning is obvious) so I had to google it - very interesting, and sent my mind racing off in a dozen different directions! With such diversions, it's no wonder it takes me so long to get anything done :D @ Zen, I'm happy to retell the stories, in general terms of course, in any context where it's likely to be helpful. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thanks, Sam! :D (I just need to find weather for it! lol) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
artandceramics Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 lovely reading :D 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 What a freakin' week...trying to slowly easy myself back into the AVEN. I'm glad I can end it with these two super helpful blog posts I found today. They really made me feel good, so I thought I'd share them here. (I know it's tumblr, but they both made me feel good, so I don't think it matters) http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoriaAnagnori was one of the first blogs I started reading for the solid content on asexuality. I really trust their assessment and knowledge. I liked this article because I thought it highlighted a really important factor especially in my life. I swear I'm genetically predisposed to being able to solve incredibly complex problems, and I think solving the dysphoria issue (along with other things) has been something I've been doing for a long time. Unfortunately, I think I'm a little too good at it. I told my therapist it's like I became less and less present. Like I can set the autopilot and just totally check out of life. http://tea-and-testosterone.tumblr.com/post/69683720983/is-this-dysphoriaThis one, though the original source seems to be gone, was very interesting. I don't know what it is, but trans guys...I always seem to really like how they word things. The list of "discontent, dissociation and depression" hit me a little too close to where I live :( I've read lots of those "list" things, but this was the first one where I was just saying, "yes...yes...yes...wow, finally someone gets it". And the whole "fatalistic attitude about living in the body you're in"...that's the autopilot I created. I don't even have to be present anymore, so why bother? Anyway, I hope you enjoy as much as I did. 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kellam Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Wow, thank you Hadley! You started my morning with some identity affirmation, and a good cry. The first one on coping, yup, been there. I was pretty good at convincing myself I was happy at times. Sure I had almost no social life and found myself isolated in everything I did do, but I was happy right? The disconnect and anger at specific traits and ways of being treated mentioned in the second one realy hit home. That constant feeling of being an alien outsider... Heck, they said the list wasn't comprehensive but I'd say it was damn near. I think I have spent my whole life swinging from almost oblivious coping to the visceral pain of the other state. Becoming aware of that fact and accepting it as truth pushed me to where I am now, taking the steps necessary for me to alleviate my dysphoria. That being said, I have had a transtastic week. One of my best friends gave me some eye makeup, she got it thinking of me. Figuring it must be hard for me to buy it. The gesture itself was so touching and the gift was amazing. I didn't put the stuff in my bag for a full 20 minutes, just held the boxes in my hand like a kid on Christmas! My first makeup! The first time touching the stuff since middle school. When I got home and put it on, even though I did it wrong, I felt so giddy. I was a little kid playing with mommy's makeup again. I'm Going to ask her, my friend, to show me how to use it better. I know there are videos but I want to learn directly from the women around me. That moment got me feeling so good that the next day, yesterday, I couldn't contain myself any more. An opportune moment presented itself so I jumped at the chance. Two hours or so later my phone ran out of minutes. I had told my parents everything! My folks still love and support me and are excited to see me at the end of this month. My Mom is especially excited! She's not the only woman in the family any more she has the daughter she has always wanted! She has already started using the right pronouns. She was shocked at first but by the time the conversation was winding down she said that she could see it, that it made perfect sense. She had often seen our time together as girl time but didn't bring it up. My Pop even brought up his bemusement at his little first grader on the soccer field, chasing butterflies instead of the ball and the action. I have wonderful parents. I also told my younger brother, who had always looked up to me, for whom I tried so hard to play my role. He's the person who knows me best in this world, the one I can always trust with anything. Even though we couldn't talk directly, he didn't know what was on my mind and didn't want to upset his one week overdue wife and send her in ti labor, we did a brief back and forth via text and email. That culminated in one long email from me spilling everything. Which led to a short and succinct reply from him telling me that he loved and supported his big sister. I can't describe how happy and peaceful I feel right now... 11 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Kellam...holy crap...that is absolutely wonderful to hear. Your parents, your brother...top notch people! I'm especially happy to hear about your younger brother as I am in a similar position with my younger brother. I felt that feeling this way was letting him down. I told him I was sorry I couldn't be the normal older brother he could look up to. He said he didn't care, but I still feel bad about it. I asked if he'd like a sister who wasn't super gross (my sister is absolutely disgusting). I always felt my brother and sister took after my dad, both genetically and behaviorally. I've always been the odd one out. Got my mom's hair (love), my mom's body style (ugh), and more of her free-spirit style. Oh, my dad tried the best he could to groom me in his image...and I tried my best to comply, but no dice. How awesome is your friend for buying you eye makeup?! I wish I still had a friend like that. I agree that you'll have a much better time having her show you how to use it. So yeah...I can barely imagine how happy and peaceful you feel right now. I hope you can just wrap yourself up in that feeling for as long as you can. (Damn, I've even got some happy tears for you) That being said, I have had a transtastic week. If this isn't already a thing, can we make it a thing? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 i'm really happy for you, kellam :) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I have happy tears for you, too, Kellam. That's awesome, with your friend, your parents, and your brother! :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Well, after poking a few precision places, I'm pretty sure my parents would never believe that I'm trans-anything. To be fair, I'm not even sure I believe it, but that's a different issue. If I keep going, I have to do so knowing it probably wouldn't be something they'd openly accept and encourage. They still seem to think I'd be 100% straight-arrow heterosexual dude if only I moved, or weren't so lonely, or tried to meet new people, or this, or that. Yeah, I used to think that too, but the world doesn't work that way Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laurens Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I'm sorry to hear, Hadley167. It's really hard if you know your parents wouldn't believe and accept you for who you are. I'm not sure what to say, but I think it's really courageous to try to live as your authentic self despite all this, although I understand it doesn't always feel like that. Perhaps it helps a little bit that I recognise myself in your story. Usually my parents are quite open-minded, but I know they would never understand my genderqueerness and talking to them about this would only be painful for both of us. I think they believe I'm just a nice little confused girl (I'm almost 23 but I'm the youngest in the family) who just has to grow up and meet new people and then I will find a man and marry him and start a family and become the woman I’m supposed to be. This is the first time I'm poking around here (hopefully I'm not too intruding) so I will tell something about my identity. When I was younger (before puberty) I always dreamt I was a boy and I had a huge fantasy world in which I always was a boy. Btw, this is still true at the present moment. Not really a boyish boy, but more like a feminine androgynous boy, if that makes sense. I can feel homesick and depressed after really vivid dreams. Well, then puberty started which was really confusing. I hated the whole business; both about feeling attractive (as in: making yourself beautiful) and being attracted to others (I wasn't really). I thought about perhaps being transgender, but I only knew about FTM and MTF and nothing about non-binary. One time the teacher showed us a documentary about a transgender person and then told he knew a case about someone who undertook the process of transition, but then felt she was also not comfortable with parts of the other sex, so she committed suicide. I was like 'oh that's probably the category I also belong to '. My classmates reacted very confused and I just sat there, terrified. I've always felt that if I was a biological boy I would feel the same only toward being a girl. Closest I came to describe my gender identity was: I am a man who feels very feminine and perhaps wants to become a woman, but not fully. But that isn't even logical, because I was a girl (well at least biologically) so I should be happy right? I felt so confused and thought I was crazy. I thought perhaps it had to do with a past life.. I also thought well I'm just confused like all teenagers are and I have to wait until I'm older and then I will become normal. But yeah, I'm in my twenties now and this is just who I am, I guess. Thankfully, I can now freely google around and I've found the term I identify with: genderqueer. I deal with body dysphoria as well. Especially around my boobs. Often I feel I have a flat chest (male). I have to be really careful about 'how' I'm present in my body. I cannot withdraw too much from my body because I would feel too dissociative. However, I can also not let all my energy float freely through my body because then I feel really dysphoric and get depressed. So I have to find a way in between. Which I can manage, sort of, but if I see a reflection of myself in the mirror or touch accidently my boobs the spell is broken and I feel uncomfortable again. Going to public bathrooms can also be uncomfortable because I’m afraid to look the other girls in the eyes at these moments. But the moments when I manage the whole business, I feel so good and myself. This week I went shopping (usually I hate shopping) but I felt wonderful because I felt totally myself. Nothing better than shopping as a male person in a woman’s body at the woman’s section. Nobody suspects anything: my little secret. I don’t dress very “girly” btw: more basic stuff and I never use make-up and skirts/dresses feel like hell. Sometimes, however, I feel a bit fluid in my gender identity. As much trouble being a feminine male as female bodied person is, I feel like it’s me. However, since my late puberties I feel sometimes for a little while like a woman. I've found a pattern (though not always consistent) between these moments and my menstruation cycle. The body dysphoria goes away but I don’t feel like myself (or perhaps I’ve just to get used to it?) TMI: I suddenly feel my female boobs being there and I even like to touch them.. I also start to notice other girls and their bodily curves. I'm ace autochorissexual and when my libido is high at these moments I can only think about girls. Usually, it's the other way around. I notice guys more and I think about them in the autochorissexualism way. So I guess I'm also a bit automonosexualist. I hope this doesn't sound too creepy. :( Perhaps I’m slowly transforming in the woman I’m supposed to be or I'm more genderfluid then I thought I was or my monthly hormones are starting to kill me and my sense of identity. I just don’t know. When these moments pass away I feel so relieved and 'myself' again. Perhaps birth control would help? But I'm too afraid about messing around with my hormones, because I don't know what will happen. I'm sorry if this post is too long but I sometimes feel very lonely and don't have many people to talk about it. Two friends know I identify as genderqueer but they don't really get it and I don't dare to tell them the details because I'm afraid they will think I'm a freak or creep. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kellam Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Well, after poking a few precision places, I'm pretty sure my parents would never believe that I'm trans-anything. To be fair, I'm not even sure I believe it, but that's a different issue. If I keep going, I have to do so knowing it probably wouldn't be something they'd openly accept and encourage. They still seem to think I'd be 100% straight-arrow heterosexual dude if only I moved, or weren't so lonely, or tried to meet new people, or this, or that. Yeah, I used to think that too, but the world doesn't work that way I spent a long time worrying that my folks would never understand or believe me. There were some conversations we'd had when I was younger that led me to believe this. In the end I just had to trust them, hope for the best, be prepared for the worst and take the leap. They were shocked, never suspected my life long secret. What I have learned is that sometimes a parent's love can overcome any bias or obstacles, not always of course, but more than you'd think. I read a story recently, related by a 20 something transwoman, about her coming out. She was an only child of a single parent. Her Mom accepted her immediately. The wory was the 80 something southern, Italian, conservative grandma. She and her Mom told the Grandmother as a team, ready for the worst. Her Grandma instantly expressed her love on hearing the news and embraced her Grandaughter unconditionally. Switching pronouns immediately and becoming her biggest booster. Laurens, so glad you have joined this thread! Welcome, and thank you for sharing so much of your story! I can certainly relate to your confusion. I had a lot of similar experiences as the first gendered pronoun I identified with was tomboy. Still do. As a teen and a 20 something I just couldn't resolve loving supposedly male activities but feeling feminine internally and hating my male features and treatment. Part of reaching my self acceptance was listening to the storries of genderqueer folk and realizing that it is ok too to be gender nonconforming. For me there was one in particular. A woman from California who stopped at hormones and presentation. She said she has no plans for bottom surgery and doesn't alter her voice. She is also still quite obviously an ex body builder. Just as no one can tell you what your sexuality is no one can define your gender or its expression but you. I hope you both, Hadley and Laurens, find a way to resolve yourselves in your own minds. And even more so, find a way to move forward that makes you comfortable in your skin. You both deserve to be happy! Just keep sharing, reading and reaching out. For me, the biggest relief is letting it all out. I'm meeting with some old friends today to do just that again. Should be fun! After that I have one more close friend to tell, on Tuesday, and my whole inner circle will know. That will give me the strength to tell everyone else in my extended social circle. I honestly can't wait, i can be very impatient. AVEN was where I first let this all out. This thread was where it all started for me. I forget which Chinese philosopher said this but it is so true it has become a cliché "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 welcome laurens, very happy that you have joined this thread kellam, that is really wonderfully said. with my parents, both seem, to use a lighter word, unhappy when ever there is a trans person on the tv, my father usually expressing something unpleasant and for me this is difficult to listen to but easier to supress than express. I remember my father saying when i was 15 or 16 that if any of use were gay, not to come home which while i don't identify as such though i did contemplate at a time if i was gay or not (my decision was no as attraction to men is not present in me, my romantic attraction is women and non-binary people) but it hurt to hear this. I still live at home, so don't want to leave until i get a new job, so i don't think the time is right to prick the balloon. Another thing that scares me is if i did start presenting as a woman, what about gigs, which i enjoy going to but which i rarely seem to have other people interested to go with me so i end up going alone, i don't know, if i started presenting as female would going to these alone represent for me a safe environment to be, moreso the travelling to and from the venue more so than the venue itself. I do side that probably 90% woman/10% agender in terms of my own gender identity. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Wow, thanks for sharing, Laurens! It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into yourself and what feels right for you, and that's great! I should point out that something I didn't know about until spending time here was the common thread about puberty being a really tough time for some people, and not just for "body is changing" reasons. More like "body is changing into something I don't want" reasons. So I completely understand what you're talking about there and I think other people can relate as well. The best thing I can think to say is that there are options. Lots and lots of options for how to actualize yourself as you truly want to. Like you said, at first you only knew about MtF and FtM. There are so many other options though. Heck, there are even options within those two options. I mean, MtF? Well, to what extent? You get to choose, because this is you. That was a big realization for me. Oh, and you totally don't sound creepy in your TMI bit. You sound like you have a really good handle on how you feel, and that's awesome 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Welcome and , Laurens! Glad to have you here. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laurens Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Thanks for the welcoming words! I have read here and there parts of your stories as well and I think you're all really wonderful people! The biggest revelation is perhaps indeed that the question is not "do you have body or gender dysphoria - yes or no" but "to what extend / in what way and what can you do about it to feel more comfortable in your body and life?". It's scary though and I don't know what I exactly should do to make it more comfortable for myself. I feel often trapped between femininity and masculinity with no way out. Either way, I'm doomed, or so it seems. I don't recognise myself in most transmen stories. I never was a tomboy (although also not femme), I don't have short hair, I never was one of the guys.. There is no script or what-to-do list to follow. So we have to create our own narratives, I guess, and follow the path wherever our inner selves take us... 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kellam Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 There is no script or what-to-do list to follow. So we have to create our own narratives, I guess, and follow the path wherever our inner selves take us... Exactly! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 So we have to create our own narratives, I guess, and follow the path wherever our inner selves take us... ...garden path or mountain trail. Through the rigors, past the joys, just to have walked and witnessed is sometimes enough for a weary traveller to find hirself on a path with other brothers and sisters who are *alive* with possibilities and endless variations. To help each other discover the proportions of Yin and Yang within us, not as a map or a blueprint, but as words and notes of a song on the winds of discovery as they make love to a weather vane on the highest spire of the tallest crystal pagoda in the pristine City of The Human Psyche. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kellam Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I have been having to avoid Facebook like the blight on humanity it kinda is. But I do love it too, as isolated as I am, social media is my outlet. I can't handle it at the moment because I want to tell my extended social circle everything that has been going on with me and what will continue happening into this next year and beyond. But my bosses and coworkers are my friends there. I spoke to my hr rep at work yesterday and got her support. Now I need to talk to my bosses in person but that won't happen until at least Monday. If my one boss is still on vacation I will have to wait another week! I have told all my close friends and I just want to move on, stop feeling like the lie still lingers. I want to dress how I want to at work but I can't untill I have the necessary conversations. Gawd I hate being a responsible and respectful adult! Ok...I feel better, rant over. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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