TransWhatevers of AVEN

[butterflydreams]

17 hours ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

because they're married and I'm asexual, which apparently means that our relationship can never be "significant"

Well that's some major league bullshit right there. I'm a little envious of your relationship. It seems interesting and satisfying for you.

 

3 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

That all sounds really frustrating. >.< 5+ years to figure out pronouns is downright astonishing, especially if she's been around you this entire time. It's hard not to suspect a lack of effort at that point.

I wondered this as well. Is there a lack of effort? Seems like she's willing to talk the talk but not walk the walk. 

 

3 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

I look back at old selfies (the little amount I had- I hated taking pictures of myself) and I truly don’t recognize the person I was. It makes me shudder. Even as recent as January. It feels like I was reverse body-snatched. Like someone else had control for the first fifteen years of my life and then... bam... I gained this sorry excuse for a shell back. I hate it because I have so many great memories but I feel sick when I open my photo albums and just see pictures of a girl after a girl after a girl. I lost my chance to be a little boy. I couldn’t grow up with awkward haircuts and shorts too long for my little legs and mud all over my arms and Pokémon cards. I feel like because I never got a chance to be a little boy I’m kind of like one right now. Maybe I feel that way because I’m aroace and that makes me “undeveloped” in others’ eyes, but I don’t know. 

I don't think you're underdeveloped. You might be going through certain "coming of age" things later in life though. I know I am. I try to just roll with it, but it does hurt sometimes that I'm so late to the party on many things. 

 

I guess personally, I don't mind that there are old photos of me as a guy. There honestly aren't even that many. I truly see my past self--especially my much younger self--as a girl. Maybe some people would call it dishonest or distorting reality, but I like to look back on my childhood with a girl-tinted lens. I like what I see when I do. 

 

3 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

especially because of my relationship with my overly doting parents and my current financial reliance on them

Nothing like gaining total financial independence from parents to really start setting your life on your own tracks. I worked really hard to be financially independent of my parents as soon as I could. Because I knew I couldn't make decisions I wanted if they were pulling any strings on me. You'll get there too.

 

3 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I so thoroughly denied the estrogen-based puberty that I preferred to see myself as a child than an adult woman, but I still hated feeling like a child.

I still remember when I was in my early 20s and some little kid was walking down the sidewalk near me, and said to her mom, "look at that man." Referring to me. It was the first time someone had ever called me just a "man" and not a "young man". It made me feel absolutely sick but it wouldn't be for another 4-5 years before I actually had the guts to admit to myself what was going on. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to call myself female, or a woman. Like I haven't met some qualification yet. Like I have to earn it instead of it being gifted to me like everyone else. But I'm easily adamant that I am not and was never a "man". 

[Mezzo Forte]

12 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Nothing like gaining total financial independence from parents to really start setting your life on your own tracks. I worked really hard to be financially independent of my parents as soon as I could. Because I knew I couldn't make decisions I wanted if they were pulling any strings on me. You'll get there too.

 

I still remember when I was in my early 20s and some little kid was walking down the sidewalk near me, and said to her mom, "look at that man." Referring to me. It was the first time someone had ever called me just a "man" and not a "young man". It made me feel absolutely sick but it wouldn't be for another 4-5 years before I actually had the guts to admit to myself what was going on. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to call myself female, or a woman. Like I haven't met some qualification yet. Like I have to earn it instead of it being gifted to me like everyone else. But I'm easily adamant that I am not and was never a "man". 

I'm positive that I would have explored my presentation/gender years sooner if I didn't feel like I constantly had the watchful eye of my parents over me. They have access to all my banking/credit card information, and since I'm using their money, I can't exactly keep my purchases private.

 

I'm pretty sure my mom has genuine anxiety too, and it makes her really overprotective, to the point that my dad used to have to talk her out of calling the police whenever I didn't answer my phone during my undergrad. She's only marginally better now because she knows that I spent a lot of time with my roommate. (I used to have to text her when I was in for the night until this year when I moved in with that roommate.) Looking at how she treats my 40 year old brother, she'll try to dote on me my entire life. I know that it's in terrible taste to complain about my parents loving me too much, but it's honestly kind of embarrassing to have this kind of parent-child dynamic at 24, to see 18 year olds (my typical students' age) have more independence than me. Fingers crossed I get into a doctoral program and can sustain myself with the assistantship money and without my parents' aid. 

 

Your story reminds me of the horror I experienced at 19 when one of my roommates referred to me as a "woman" in a Facebook message, and my skin crawled for hours after that. Something was up, but we weren't able to contextualize that until years later. I feel you about having the right to call yourself by your gender, as I feel like drawing on experience from the first 22 years of my life involves situations not indicative of what a man would normally experience. Like it's almost misleading. That said, just because the world perceived me one way doesn't mean it was right. I was a man back then, and I'm a man now. You were a woman back then, and you're a woman now too.  

[Emery.]

I ignored my parents, even though they count as overprotective. The bigger problem for me are feelings in general. However, I also had the feeling that my parents tried to influence me too much and control, especially in adolescence / the self-expression part of it. But I also had problems with relating to other teens. They behaved irresponsibly and got... hm... too carried away and lost their reason in a way. Only in university, I could properly do the emotional growing up, just like many of my high school friends. I'm an android Ha ha. I don't typically use my feelings to deal with life. I keep them in the fridge. Lol. Nicely cooled down.

[AwkwardAxolotl]

4 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Well that's some major league bullshit right there. I'm a little envious of your relationship. It seems interesting and satisfying for you.

It is satisfying, and something that I thought I'd never have, seeing as I prefer platonic relationships, and there aren't many aro/ace people in my neck of the woods. It might not be a traditional relationship format, but we balance each other out. She fulfills her need to have multiple deep relationships without infringing on his need to have their marriage remain (romantically and sexually) monogamous, and I get the deep platonic relationship I want without having to engage in any romantic or sexual relations. She doesn't like to travel alone, and he doesn't like to travel, so she travels with me. He gets another neat person on his side to reign in her messy tendencies. She gets another person to help convince him that he's not "fine" and needs to go to a doctor when he's being stubborn. He gets another person who can cook. I get a warm, people-filled house to come home to, and someone to stay up way too late with, talking about anything and everything. We're not perfect, but we're more than I ever dreamed of (and yes, I'm being almost as sappy as the romance novels I detest).

[Lirpaderp]

I wore my binder for only 12 hours yesterday. First time all week I followed the 8-12 hour rule. But I slept in it a few days ago. I do not regret it, I slept well that night. I know I'm going to do it again, but I'm trying my best to prolong it.

[butterflydreams]

Well that was something I regret. Looking around on r/asktransgender, find a thread about surgeries/surgeons...look at some results.

 

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not actively pursuing surgery. So many people you find and talk to talk about looking into surgeons, comparing results, making calls...all of that shit is extremely nerve wracking for me. The truth? I'm scared. I'm scared beyond words. It's not because I don't want the surgery, or don't need it, I'm just scared. Does that make me a "less than" trans person? Other people seem to be moving forward with their transitions, and I'm just stalled. Stalled in this semi-passable state. Small chest. Voice that's not quite right.

 

I can't even commit to making calls and getting balls rolling because the support system is not there. I'm barely holding on to life as it is. Surgery in this state would be a death sentence, even if it eliminated the dysphoria. This is so frustrating. 

[Tortuga]

Just now, butterflydreams said:

Well that was something I regret. Looking around on r/asktransgender, find a thread about surgeries/surgeons...look at some results.

 

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not actively pursuing surgery. So many people you find and talk to talk about looking into surgeons, comparing results, making calls...all of that shit is extremely nerve wracking for me. The truth? I'm scared. I'm scared beyond words. It's not because I don't want the surgery, or don't need it, I'm just scared. Does that make me a "less than" trans person? Other people seem to be moving forward with their transitions, and I'm just stalled. Stalled in this semi-passable state. Small chest. Voice that's not quite right.

 

I can't even commit to making calls and getting balls rolling because the support system is not there. I'm barely holding on to life as it is. Surgery in this state would be a death sentence, even if it eliminated the dysphoria. This is so frustrating. 

You're a great person, not 'less than trans' or anything of the sort. If I was in the same situation you are, I would probably do the exact same thing you are. I wish I could be your support system- Sadly, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It seems like you are in an unstable place in your life, I'd personally suggest waiting for surgery and the like until after you get the rest of your life stable and sorted out. My condolences for how you feel. *Hugs and gives cake to you *

Best of luck!

Tortuga

[Mezzo Forte]

56 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Well that was something I regret. Looking around on r/asktransgender, find a thread about surgeries/surgeons...look at some results.

 

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not actively pursuing surgery. So many people you find and talk to talk about looking into surgeons, comparing results, making calls...all of that shit is extremely nerve wracking for me. The truth? I'm scared. I'm scared beyond words. It's not because I don't want the surgery, or don't need it, I'm just scared. Does that make me a "less than" trans person? Other people seem to be moving forward with their transitions, and I'm just stalled. Stalled in this semi-passable state. Small chest. Voice that's not quite right.

 

I can't even commit to making calls and getting balls rolling because the support system is not there. I'm barely holding on to life as it is. Surgery in this state would be a death sentence, even if it eliminated the dysphoria. This is so frustrating. 

*Hugs* Surgery is scary, and I honestly get overwhelmed trying to research bottom surgery results too. There's nothing wrong with not actively seeking surgery, especially when you're so aware of the risks and know what needs to happen for you to be ready. You're not stalling at all if you ask me. Time spent with HRT is progress enough, especially as it builds over the years, and the time spent living openly as a woman is already worthwhile in its own right. Dysphoria sucks, but the fact that you're holding off for the sake of your well-being does not make you less trans; it simply makes you prudent.

[Kimmie.]

@butterflydreams *hugs* i wish that i could help you somehow. As Mezzo forte said you have come really far allready.

,.............................................................

 

And about myself i think that i maybe can keep going without HRT but all this hair that thinks that it should grow on my body need to go. Especially the facial hair. I really need to start looking in to it again even though i know that it hurts to just read about it.

[butterflydreams]

22 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

Especially the facial hair. I really need to start looking in to it again even though i know that it hurts to just read about it.

Getting rid of facial hair was one of the best things I've ever done. I still drag a razor across my face most days, because I'm paranoid about any stray hairs that might be there, but really, there's very little left. Would definitely recommend.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Time spent with HRT is progress enough, especially as it builds over the years, and the time spent living openly as a woman is already worthwhile in its own right.

This sounds like what my doctor says every time I see her. She said I'm unrecognizable now, and that my face is so much softer. I guess it's probably true, but I still don't really see it myself. I may never see it. 

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Dysphoria sucks, but the fact that you're holding off for the sake of your well-being does not make you less trans; it simply makes you prudent.

Is there anything I can do about dysphoria in the meantime? I feel like passing more regularly would have a positive effect, as would having a boyfriend. Just to know that I'm lovable as I am would go a long way. The positive way you talk about your own surgery makes me think there's no way I can beat my dysphoria without surgery. 

[Toothlesss]

I've been watching youtube videos about corsets (both historical and modern).. idk.. I feel like Maybe I might be more comfortable with it instead of a binder? Lately I've had much less dysphoria than I've had for some of 2017. Society doesn't define me. The advantage for a decent corset for me (under or overbust) is also some back support as I tend to slouch a lot (also- I def wouldn't wear it when I'm at the farm doing chores).  Also, I really like the idea of having breathable material instead of spandex. 

 

So I'm unsure about stuff, but I enjoy doing the research for it. Whether or not I invest in a corset (an actual well made one and not a cheap one)..eh.

 

I've been meaning to open up art commissions for the longest time and i keep on procrastinating. Next week I'll prob be inside most of the time as the high temps here are going to be well below average. 

[Emery.]

I'm wondering whether to come out in the college after holiday or not...

Jeez, this is sick, can't anything be normal if I don't say I'm trans? Is this world nuts? I mean... does it really matter? It's something that happens to people that they identify with the opposite sex more than with their own... It's like... you never know in just one look. If someone is fem or masc or what education they have or hobbies or a job... Isn't it obvious? That everyone is a person of their own, with a unique personality and so forth.

 

I have a feeling like I need to set this whole situation straight somehow, and whatever this might mean. 

[Mezzo Forte]

57 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Is there anything I can do about dysphoria in the meantime? I feel like passing more regularly would have a positive effect, as would having a boyfriend. Just to know that I'm lovable as I am would go a long way. The positive way you talk about your own surgery makes me think there's no way I can beat my dysphoria without surgery. 

Medical intervention makes a big difference, I won't deny that, but in the meantime, coping mechanisms can help. Heck, the sense of progress in your transition is in itself a coping mechanism; Actually, I could imagine that connects back to why you're worried about "stalling" at this point, as milestones help contextualize where you are in your transition and help show you just how much dysphoria you've managed to fight off. Perhaps giving yourself goals for other projects could help give you a difference sense of progress while you work toward the longer-term goal of surgery? If you wanted something more related to transition, can you maybe identify smaller sources of dysphoria that you can fight off for the time being? Maybe those smaller milestones can help you? Otherwise, would maybe splitting up the goals toward SRS into smaller chunks make everything seem more approachable? Stuff like setting money aside, working on your personal connections and see if there's anyone you might trust to care for you at the time. When I originally started therapy, I wasn't expecting to have access to testosterone so quickly, so I was actually seeking stuff like CBT to help me cope until I could start medical transition, and I still feel like that stuff could be beneficial. Does your therapist give you different kinds of exercises or coping strategies to use?

 

I'm honestly just spitballing at this point. My primary coping methods tend to involve either cold rationalization with myself or flat-out distraction until the negative feelings pass, but the most effective coping methods vary from person to person, and there's no guarantee that what will work for me will work for you. Either way, I hope you're in a better mental space, or moving toward it. *hugs*

 

[butterflydreams]

3 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Does your therapist give you different kinds of exercises or coping strategies to use?

I don't have a therapist right now. I actually just got back from a meeting with one I was hoping would work out but she said she couldn't help me because I needed CBT which she didn't do. I walked there and walked home in tears. Didn't stop or look at a single crosswalk. I was hoping one of the jackass drivers in this town would run a stop sign and just hit me. I'm so done with life. 

 

7 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Stuff like setting money aside

I'm having a hard time saving money right now because 1) I don't give a shit about my life or my future and 2) I just moved and am still trying to collect furniture.

 

8 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

working on your personal connections and see if there's anyone you might trust to care for you at the time

I can't make any personal connections to save my own life. I've been alone and living without local friendships for almost a decade now. I've got no reason to think it's gonna change.

 

12 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I'm honestly just spitballing at this point. My primary coping methods tend to involve either cold rationalization with myself or flat-out distraction until the negative feelings pass, but the most effective coping methods vary from person to person, and there's no guarantee that what will work for me will work for you. Either way, I hope you're in a better mental space, or moving toward it. *hugs*

I appreciate it. My response sounds dark because I'm in a dark place right now. I'm actually waiting in line on the online crisis chat thing right now. You have to wait so long to get someone, I think the point it just to keep you distracted. I gave up on it.

[To Each Their Own]

15 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I don't have a therapist right now. I actually just got back from a meeting with one I was hoping would work out but she said she couldn't help me because I needed CBT which she didn't do. I walked there and walked home in tears. Didn't stop or look at a single crosswalk. I was hoping one of the jackass drivers in this town would run a stop sign and just hit me. I'm so done with life. 

I have SO been in that place. It always amazes me that I have never been hit by a car or a bus when I do that. I even went skydiving on a whim because I thought that morning: fuck it, I’ve had enough...today I’m jumping out or an airplane and I hope I die. 

 

One of the crappiest things a therapist did was to fire me over the phone. I couldn’t even remember leaving his office the day before. All I remember was that I was wandering around in the park several hours later and I had to find my car. He called me the next day and said he couldn’t work with me anymore because I “required more help than he was qualified to give” me. Like, what the hell? Not even a referral! I felt horrible. I hung up the phone and I felt like I din’t know where to go or what to do...I was just lost.

 

People can sure disappoint us. I’m sorry that this therapist didn’t work out for you. I really hope you can keep looking for a therapist that give you what you need because you really deserve to have one that can help you get to what you need to be.

[Mezzo Forte]

24 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I don't have a therapist right now. I actually just got back from a meeting with one I was hoping would work out but she said she couldn't help me because I needed CBT which she didn't do. I walked there and walked home in tears. Didn't stop or look at a single crosswalk. I was hoping one of the jackass drivers in this town would run a stop sign and just hit me. I'm so done with life. 

I'm very sorry to hear that, and forgive me if I said something before and simply forgot that you haven't found a therapist in your new area. I hope you can find one who can provide what you need though

 

25 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I'm having a hard time saving money right now because 1) I don't give a shit about my life or my future and 2) I just moved and am still trying to collect furniture.

I know that your mood has a way of moving in peaks and troughs. Is there a way you could convince yourself to set money aside when you're in a better mental state? Maybe getting the ball rolling could help you get the ball rolling enough to want to build on it even when you're not doing as well. Could housewarming and collecting furniture become a project in its own right? You could see it as a tangential hurdle toward SRS since taking care of that frees you up to save for top surgery  

 

29 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I can't make any personal connections to save my own life. I've been alone and living without local friendships for almost a decade now. I've got no reason to think it's gonna change.

I wish I had good advice for this. I spent a fair amount of my undergrad with no super close friendships, but I still had a community because of the way that the school of music functioned. I feel like I fell into a lot of my friendships, and my closer friendships became close in part because of mutual support during some kind of personal ordeal. Luck's a factor, but the parts have to be in the right place for the luck to get you anywhere. Sometimes, it's as simple as reaching out. Remember that you reached out to me, and that was how we became good friends. Everyone on here has so much good to say about you too, and if you can create such a positive impression within this community, I think there's a way to transfer those skills into building in-person friendships as well.

 

45 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I appreciate it. My response sounds dark because I'm in a dark place right now. I'm actually waiting in line on the online crisis chat thing right now. You have to wait so long to get someone, I think the point it just to keep you distracted. I gave up on it.

I'm so sorry to see you hit this kind of dark place. That really sucks to see the crisis chat not giving you anything to work with. Sounds like they need better staffing. (Is there a crisis center nearby that you could visit in person?) I'd definitely suggest doubling down on finding a therapist in the area if you can help it.

 

Spoiler

Forgive my horrifically dark sense of humor; one of my best friends is basically a death scholar and crack obscenely dark jokes in each others' company. I'm trying to hold back making a lot of dark jokes because they're inappropriate to the situation, but your experience with the crisis center reminded me of a quip my sis and I used to make: "Suicide Hotline, please hold!..... Your call is important to us, please continue to hold."

 

[daveb]

8 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

getting balls rolling

I know it's juvenile and I hope I don't offend anyone, but this made me snigger a bit 

 

It may feel like stalling out right now, but sometimes just surviving is enough of a battle. You have had some rough times lately. I can only hope things start improving soon; maybe after the holidays have gone and that stress is no longer present? Best wishes!

[:)(:]

1 hour ago, daveb said:

getting balls rolling

I have to know was this intentional?

[daveb]

5 minutes ago, :)(: said:

I have to know was this intentional?

Knowing how intelligent she is (and her wicked sense of humor and way with words) I expect it was intentional.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Getting rid of facial hair was one of the best things I've ever done. I still drag a razor across my face most days, because I'm paranoid about any stray hairs that might be there, but really, there's very little left. Would definitely recommend.

 

This sounds like what my doctor says every time I see her. She said I'm unrecognizable now, and that my face is so much softer. I guess it's probably true, but I still don't really see it myself. I may never see it. 

 

Is there anything I can do about dysphoria in the meantime? I feel like passing more regularly would have a positive effect, as would having a boyfriend. Just to know that I'm lovable as I am would go a long way. The positive way you talk about your own surgery makes me think there's no way I can beat my dysphoria without surgery. 

Done 4 sessions of laser now... Skin feels smoother now... There's much less shaving time needed too... Few strokes, and I'm done! It's still a bit patchy though, so I need to get some more still... I can't wait till I start my HRT and how my skin will soften so much more... 

 

Did you take monthly pictures of yourself to see the 'progress'?

[Emery.]

Hadley, you have all my best wishes, but I can't emotionally support anyone at the moment, because I'm a mess myself. I always get supporting you wrong as well. Hence I want to just send hugs.

 

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I'm learning, at least I can concentrate on this... I had a gender meltdown... but at the same time, something happened and it felt less like tar flooding my body and mind, and I... opened up... to everyone... that I'm having a gender meltdown. and that I have those every once in a while. That I don't know what to do. I don't know what is happening, I know I threw out a mass of negative emotions. And that I'm no longer ashamed and no longer feel like I'm crazy. I think I want to just say it that I feel like a guy. Simply. I was struggling with how to say it. When you come out, you have to ask yourself questions and stuff... I warn you, my thoughts on the topic are a mess. I thought about all the trans things, and then thought that I don't have to be so dead serious... Because I'm not. This is a feeling, it's normal to talk about feelings, and whoever thinks feelings are crazy, is confused to the max. Like... no shame talking about it. And no shame in "crossdressing". there have been a lot of thoughts in my head how crazy I am, how wrong it is (stereotype perpetuating) and how this is not going to work with me being trans for xyz reasons, however, what remains is expression, I have the right to it, no matter what. I'm gonna see what comes out of this... because I don't know and I don't care. I hope you understood...  I want to open up 100% about the gender stuff, and I feel like I can do it, and need it.

 

Also, looking for a girlfriend in the club and on a dating app feels too off for me. I prefer face to face contact so much, and I'm not into wild parties with random strangers. no, I'm not going to pressure myself anymore. I will join those art clubs and whatnot, I will be myself... yeah. the usual way feels wrong for me. If I want to get  a boyfriend anyway, I have to do it, because I'm not into masc guys and those are all around me. They don't turn me on at all. I have to do what all straight guys do: pick up a semi-feminine interest to meet the other half, be they a girl or a metrosexual dude.

[butterflydreams]

On 12/29/2017 at 7:21 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

I know that your mood has a way of moving in peaks and troughs. Is there a way you could convince yourself to set money aside when you're in a better mental state? Maybe getting the ball rolling could help you get the ball rolling enough to want to build on it even when you're not doing as well. Could housewarming and collecting furniture become a project in its own right? You could see it as a tangential hurdle toward SRS since taking care of that frees you up to save for top surgery  

I'm still paying off parts of the move from 4 months ago. I'm pretty sure insurance will cover surgery if I have all the right letters and referrals. So really, the money is necessary for recovery time when I may not be able to work. I also have the problem right now of being tired of renting. I don't know how any single person is supposed to afford a house on their own. I'm really trying to save for that. But even that requires a minimum of ~3% down, which could run anywhere from $5K-$9K for something that isn't a crack house. The most money I ever had saved was about $8K. And it was at a time in my life of major change. I was tired of doing what I was "supposed" to do so I bought a sports car with half of it, and fixed it up with a good chunk of the remainder. It was basically my way of flipping double birds to the world that I thought had failed me. I did everything right. I played by all the rules, and yet there I was, this unhappy, 26 year old single guy going nowhere. I don't regret it. And I don't think it had any negative effect on where I am now. It had to be done. If I really wanted to, I could sell the car for $3-4000, but I don't. I love that car.

 

On 12/29/2017 at 7:21 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

Remember that you reached out to me, and that was how we became good friends. Everyone on here has so much good to say about you too, and if you can create such a positive impression within this community, I think there's a way to transfer those skills into building in-person friendships as well.

I don't know how we're good friends though. How did that happen? Is it our common background of being ace and trans? Are we similar people? I don't know. My sick brain tells me that the positive impression of me people have here is misplaced and unfounded. I'm super shy in real life. Quiet. Wallflower. I interact with people the minimum amount necessary usually. Even today, I went out to breakfast, I never even made eye contact with the server. Quick, one-two word responses, always looking down. 

 

On 12/29/2017 at 7:21 PM, Mezzo Forte said:

I'm so sorry to see you hit this kind of dark place. That really sucks to see the crisis chat not giving you anything to work with. Sounds like they need better staffing. (Is there a crisis center nearby that you could visit in person?) I'd definitely suggest doubling down on finding a therapist in the area if you can help it.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Forgive my horrifically dark sense of humor; one of my best friends is basically a death scholar and crack obscenely dark jokes in each others' company. I'm trying to hold back making a lot of dark jokes because they're inappropriate to the situation, but your experience with the crisis center reminded me of a quip my sis and I used to make: "Suicide Hotline, please hold!..... Your call is important to us, please continue to hold."

 

Nah, I made the same joke in my own head. I don't think I'd ever actually hurt myself, or try to. I'm afraid that I'd fuck it up and end up permanently injured or something. I just want real reasons to keep going and real help. It's like being in physical pain and not being able to get any relief.

 

On 12/29/2017 at 9:23 PM, daveb said:

I know it's juvenile and I hope I don't offend anyone, but this made me snigger a bit 

It wasn't intentional or unintentional. I'll say that much. If I can't make balls jokes while I'm transitioning, I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time.

 

On 12/30/2017 at 5:18 AM, Phoenix the II said:

Done 4 sessions of laser now... Skin feels smoother now... There's much less shaving time needed too... Few strokes, and I'm done! It's still a bit patchy though, so I need to get some more still... I can't wait till I start my HRT and how my skin will soften so much more... 

 

Did you take monthly pictures of yourself to see the 'progress'?

I feel like it'll always be a bit patchy. It is for me. But there's so little left. I don't mind dealing with shaving too much, though I still don't like it. I can get a totally smooth face with little effort.

 

I didn't take any pictures of myself to see any of that progress. I don't like those "before and after" kinds of photos. I was never supposed to have facial hair, so even before laser, I was shaving it off as best I could. 

[Kimmie.]

@butterflydreams i don't know what to say i feel so much for you, i wish i could help you see how amazing you are.

[Mezzo Forte]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

I'm still paying off parts of the move from 4 months ago. I'm pretty sure insurance will cover surgery if I have all the right letters and referrals. So really, the money is necessary for recovery time when I may not be able to work. I also have the problem right now of being tired of renting. I don't know how any single person is supposed to afford a house on their own. I'm really trying to save for that. But even that requires a minimum of ~3% down, which could run anywhere from $5K-$9K for something that isn't a crack house. The most money I ever had saved was about $8K. And it was at a time in my life of major change. I was tired of doing what I was "supposed" to do so I bought a sports car with half of it, and fixed it up with a good chunk of the remainder. It was basically my way of flipping double birds to the world that I thought had failed me. I did everything right. I played by all the rules, and yet there I was, this unhappy, 26 year old single guy going nowhere. I don't regret it. And I don't think it had any negative effect on where I am now. It had to be done. If I really wanted to, I could sell the car for $3-4000, but I don't. I love that car.

I definitely wouldn't suggest selling the car, if not because of the sentiment, then in part because of depreciating value. It's a good asset to have, not to mention a source of simple pleasure for you, whether you use it for a nice drive or eventually use it for a road trip.

 

Looking at what you mentioned leaves me to believe that you might want to do some financial planning. List out your major financial goals, whether they're houses, surgical expenses, vacations, or anything else, and organize them according to expected costs and priority. (Do any of them have potential to save you money in the long run that you can prioritize first?) Subdividing and tackling one thing at a time could make a huge difference.

 

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

I don't know how we're good friends though. How did that happen? Is it our common background of being ace and trans? Are we similar people? I don't know. My sick brain tells me that the positive impression of me people have here is misplaced and unfounded. I'm super shy in real life. Quiet. Wallflower. I interact with people the minimum amount necessary usually. Even today, I went out to breakfast, I never even made eye contact with the server. Quick, one-two word responses, always looking down

From what I remember, you responded to my coming-out thread, I responded back, and after we started taking over the TransWhatever thread with our conversations, you sent me a private message to continue talking. Friendship can come from something as simple as extended contact, and you actually initiated most of the contact that spurred our bond. 

 

From what I've seen, friendships can be founded on a few different types of connections. You and I founded our friendship on an emotional connection, sharing our thoughts and feelings to find the odd ways that we turned out to be kindred spirits, celebrating our victories while offering support during the tough times. There's also friendships that come from intellectual connection, or some sort of mutual interest, where the fun of sharing in activity takes higher priority than sharing thoughts and feelings. I think closer friendships come from connecting on more than one level, but the emotional connection is the only one 100% necessary for the deepest bonds, in my experience. 

 

Perhaps you're just more in your element online? That doesn't make your charisma that others' see on here any less real. If anything, I think that means there's potential to transfer that trait to offline interactions with a bit of practice.

 

Honestly, I'm very awkward in new social environments. I needed 3~5 years at the same university to pick up any social momentum to be honest. I can give off an air of confidence, and my dad explicitly trained me in the art of conversation when I was a child, but making closer friendships was always tough. I didn't learn how to maintain friendships when I was a kid because my sis did all that legwork. Nowadays, the most I know to do is to just invite people to do stuff. I like going to things like local farmers markets, local nature trails, restaurants, and misc. local events like art shows and whatnot, so I invite friends to join me. Sometimes, I attend events my friends are involved in, like local concerts, and we chat while we're there. Aren't there online sites for local meetup events? Maybe there's something that could catch your eye and you could make friends based on mutual interests or experiences at one of these events. It's awkward, but show up enough times to one type of event, and you might end up familiar enough with the regulars to want to hang out.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

5 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I don't know. My sick brain tells me that the positive impression of me people have here is misplaced and unfounded.

Bullshit.

 

You didn't get this far on luck or inertia. You're doing something that, in human history, has been done so rarely. And pioneers alwasy get a few arrows in the backside from the peanut gallery. 

 

I remember times in the ICU when I just wanted to pull the tubes out and give up-- I felt like a worthless lump of flesh that was going to be a burden on society. But then I stopped listening to that voice. Started to work through the pain, the frustration of psyshical therapy, had a few good cries and hitting-the-absolute bottom days. Started to think what I was going to do when biology took its course and started to heal me.

 

And I had been so very all ready-- had the money fot GCS and recovery time money saved and screw you money for any employers or customers who wouldn't accept me. But then I had to leave that all on the table, and do what trans people since the beginning of time have done. 

 

Live life as best as I can with a little hope and grace the way I am.

 

Beats the crap out of the alternaive, though. 

 

You're going to make it! I think you're a lot like the women from the recent movie "Hidden Figures" who had everything working against them, but just refused to quit.

[butterflydreams]

5 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I definitely wouldn't suggest selling the car, if not because of the sentiment, then in part because of depreciating value. It's a good asset to have, not to mention a source of simple pleasure for you, whether you use it for a nice drive or eventually use it for a road trip.

The car isn't even a depreciating asset. If anything it's potentially appreciating. It's 26 years old. It's depreciated all it's going to, and it's somewhat rare. 

 

5 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Looking at what you mentioned leaves me to believe that you might want to do some financial planning. List out your major financial goals, whether they're houses, surgical expenses, vacations, or anything else, and organize them according to expected costs and priority. (Do any of them have potential to save you money in the long run that you can prioritize first?) Subdividing and tackling one thing at a time could make a huge difference.

I think I'm just frustrated that I'm expected to do anything while paying a substantial portion of my income on rent. Which goes nowhere. The price of rent in the entire region where I live just is what it is. I don't know how anyone affords it. I do ok, because I have a decent income. Unlike a lot of people, I don't have a whalloping of student loans, and they'll be all paid off by 2020. But that only amounts to an additional 3K a year in my pocket. I think a house and surgery is where I need to be focusing my efforts.

 

5 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Perhaps you're just more in your element online? That doesn't make your charisma that others' see on here any less real. If anything, I think that means there's potential to transfer that trait to offline interactions with a bit of practice.

With people I already know, I'm a riot. I do really well IRL. It's with new people that I shut off. But even if I'm meeting new people with existing friends, I still do ok. 

 

5 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Aren't there online sites for local meetup events? Maybe there's something that could catch your eye and you could make friends based on mutual interests or experiences at one of these events. It's awkward, but show up enough times to one type of event, and you might end up familiar enough with the regulars to want to hang out.

There are, and I've gone to them before. I just need one to be good enough, and last long enough that I can keep going and generate some familiarity. So often there end up being one offs that turn into nothing. I'm not going to make new friends in an instant like that.

[Mezzo Forte]

16 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

With people I already know, I'm a riot. I do really well IRL. It's with new people that I shut off. But even if I'm meeting new people with existing friends, I still do ok. 

It's definitely a comfort thing then, and I can relate to that a bit personally, since having at least one familiar person or thing to cling to makes a big difference. (I can do one-on-one conversations pretty decently with total strangers, but I just use a few basic conversation strategies to give the conversation momentum. That's a bit harder in group conversations.)

 

Would having a strategy for new encounters help you? One thing that works well is simply asking people questions about themselves. Most people like talking about themselves or their interests, so the right question can help you stumble on common interests or talking points, all while keeping the other person engaged and making you seem more engaged in the conversation. Maybe see if there's any strategies that you might be comfortable trying, maybe ones that you might already employ in your conversations with your friends.

 

16 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

There are, and I've gone to them before. I just need one to be good enough, and last long enough that I can keep going and generate some familiarity. So often there end up being one offs that turn into nothing. I'm not going to make new friends in an instant like that.

That's rough, is there any way to check how long certain groups have been running? Perhaps that will give you a better idea of which ones are more consistent. Otherwise, are there any fun volunteer groups you could get involved in? My brain keeps going to beach cleanups, though I those aren't as common in your neck of the woods.  

 

Definitely just spitballing at this point. You have my hugs regardless  

[butterflydreams]

43 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

That's rough, is there any way to check how long certain groups have been running? Perhaps that will give you a better idea of which ones are more consistent. Otherwise, are there any fun volunteer groups you could get involved in? My brain keeps going to beach cleanups, though I those aren't as common in your neck of the woods.  

 

Definitely just spitballing at this point. You have my hugs regardless  

I volunteer at a LGBT youth center, but I'm thinking about dialing it back a bit. I don't feel like I'm really helping there and it's hard when it's all transmasculine and non binary youth. Plus it's more of a supervisory role. Making sure the kids don't get out of hand. I rarely, if ever, get to offer advice or ideas. It's supposed to be youth driven. Though the other day, I had to step in. One kid asked about what name to put on a resume, since theirs wasn't legally changed. The other youth offered up "preferred name" ideas for the resume and I couldn't help interjecting to say that no, a resume isn't a legal document, you can put whatever you want on it. Getting pigeonholed as "that trans person" immediately based on a resume is so unnecessary and silly. But I normally don't get to offer information like that. 

 

Had a very vivid dream last night that I was getting my surgery. It happened in two stages and the first one wasn't bad at all, and I felt so great. Like the dysphoria was finally gone. The next part scared me so much I woke up overheating. I guess it was nice to know that my brain can see the whole thing happening.

[Siimo van der fietspad]

Left-field idea, but would you consider learning a foreign language and going to meetups intended to facilitate speaking practice? As everybody is preoccupied with having to think in a different language there is a baseline of social anxiety that's part of the learning experience.  Deep personal questions are unlikely to come up in formulaic conversations describing work and music tastes. Plus, chances are other people will simply lack the linguistic knowledge to actually articulate any transphobic comments or slurs. 

[999papercranes]

It’s my first day back after break... I expected to feel worse, but it all went pretty well until the last part of the day where our History teacher was assigning us roles and looked straight at me and said “You’re a female.” Bleh... It was stupid, but it’s been stuck in my mind. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. 

 

I keep on thinking about T and top surgery. I was very hesitant about T but as my dysphoria’s gotten worse it’s become more appealing. I didn’t like the thought of bottom growth/hair growth/increased libido, etc., but I’m at the point where none of that really matters to me any more. I’d be willing to take all of that if it means not wanting to cry every night, feeling like a stranger to myself. 

The problem is, it’s all futile. I won’t be able to go on T or get top surgery until I’m eighteen. That’s in two whole years. How can I ever wait that long? What if I can’t make it?