TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Tortuga]

14 hours ago, AceSavvy said:

I attend a Catholic high school, and I had to sit through my Theology teacher showing us videos of people who identified as cats or six year old girls, transracials and transabled and one non binary person. I fully support these people and their journies, even if I find them strange, but the way he spoke about it and let the class laugh at them... I ended up crying while sitting in the front row. I basically outed myself. (I am still questioning, but I prefer male pronouns) He made me stay after class and proceeded to talk my ear off about "objective reality" and "the path to holiness these people are missing". Our next test also made us write a short essay about the same topic.

Jeez... This sounds like a novella I don't plan to publish about a school which is deliberately against all of us and the entire LGBTQIA+ community. This is sad.

[Finn.]

I casually came out as "not dating guys" today at work to the two most chattiest coworkers. Word should travel fast haha. This worked out great in my school too, and I won't have to come out to every single coworker on my own, nice.

[Lirpaderp]

My mom asked me about my binder. She doesn't understand at all, but she's glad I'm happy. I should have used that moment to tell her I'm definitely not a girl, but I chickened out. I don't know if another opportunity will pop up to tell her. I doubt it will.

[Mezzo Forte]

It's funny, I gained some weight after top surgery and never quite lost it all back, but the hysterectomy has actually caused me to drop weight so far. I'm actually back at my pre-op weight, go figure. Definitely can't complain.  

[999papercranes]

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I hope those of you who have to hear the wrong name and pronouns when spending time with relatives over the holidays are feeling okay. If not, *hugs*

[butterflydreams]

4 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! I hope those of you who have to hear the wrong name and pronouns when spending time with relatives over the holidays are feeling okay. If not, *hugs*

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

Spoiler

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

[Kimmie.]

6 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Reveal hidden contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

I wish I could help you somehow *hugs *

[999papercranes]

3 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Hide contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

Holy shit, that’s awful. You must feel terrible and I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry. 

I wish I could say some magic words to make everything suck less, but I can’t, so I just want you to know that I think you’re seriously so fucking badass for dealing with all of the shit that you have. You’re a really cool lady and I wish your own family could see that too. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Hide contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

You should email them back with a list of symptoms for what they match, I'm sure you can come up with something.

 

But, seriously. How closed minded can ya get. If the sex change is what you need to be happy then who cares what they think. You be you and if they can't accept you, it is their loss.  

[Gentle Giant]

Sorry you got those negative messages from your mom, Hadley. That is NOT what you need to hear right now. I don’t know what she is thinking to say those things to you. Did you tell her how you’ve been feeling lately?

[Finn.]

i'm spending the holidays at home and not with my parents. i offered them to visit me but my mom declined, saying "we wouldn't know how to interact with each other no matter where" while offering for me to come *home*  any time, spontaneously. yeah.

it's weird, it's my first christmas without them. i'm not religious and basically do  nothing special i wouldn't do any other weekend, but still. i'm anxious a lot. but i hope it gets better soon. 

 

i got christmas cards from my family (i didn't send any this year, just a present for my parents and nothing else). my grandmother addressed it correctly at least. no one else did. and no one addressed me on their card.. *shrug* i feel freer now, that i don't have to think about my family much anymore.  i'm happy i'm home with my soulmate person and dog and no one misgendering me. and she got me a rainbow mug for christmas!

[daveb]

5 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Got an email a few hours later saying

She doesn't deserve to be called a mother, let alone one of such a fantastic person. She obviously doesn't know how to love. So sad. You certainly deserve better.  

[butterflydreams]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

You should email them back with a list of symptoms for what they match, I'm sure you can come up with something.

I was going to email back and just shred the email apart line by line, but honestly, I'm exhausted today. I got the email around 10pm last night, and read it when I shouldn't have. I didn't sleep well. I don't even know if I want to bother trying to have a dialog anymore.

 

4 hours ago, Gentle Giant said:

Did you tell her how you’ve been feeling lately?

I told her I've been vaguely upset. I didn't say why. And I didn't say how bad it was, because that would open up a can of worms with her. She'd yell at me if I said what I was really thinking and how I really feel. If I even tried to tell her about my failed date with a guy she'd give me some whole earful about how wrong that is that I'm trying to date a guy at all. Sometimes I think she's right  

 

56 minutes ago, Finn. said:

i'm spending the holidays at home and not with my parents. i offered them to visit me but my mom declined, saying "we wouldn't know how to interact with each other no matter where" while offering for me to come *home*  any time, spontaneously. yeah.

it's weird, it's my first christmas without them. i'm not religious and basically do  nothing special i wouldn't do any other weekend, but still. i'm anxious a lot. but i hope it gets better soon. 

 

i got christmas cards from my family (i didn't send any this year, just a present for my parents and nothing else). my grandmother addressed it correctly at least. no one else did. and no one addressed me on their card.. *shrug* i feel freer now, that i don't have to think about my family much anymore.  i'm happy i'm home with my soulmate person and dog and no one misgendering me. and she got me a rainbow mug for christmas!

That all sounds relatively positive, yeah? If there's one thing I've learned it's that sometimes you have to break with family and make new traditions on your own. Good that you weren't alone either. That's always a positive in my book.

 

33 minutes ago, daveb said:

She doesn't deserve to be called a mother, let alone one of such a fantastic person. She obviously doesn't know how to love. So sad. You certainly deserve better.  

Thanks. I'm going to take a mental health day off work on Thursday this week. I cried in front of my brother and his girlfriend yesterday. I couldn't even help it. I just want the hurting to stop.

[Lucinda]

Looking at this as an outside observer, I can't help but wonder ...

 

Hadley was close to grandmother Hadley.  However Hadley's parents were not.  Hadley is the spitting image of Mom parent.

 

I can't help but wonder if Mom actually doesn't like herself and projecting onto Hadley ... and if something concerning grandmother Hadley adds some extra layer?

 

Lucinda

[Mezzo Forte]

7 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Hide contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

Wow, fuck that. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm willing to bet the timing was intentional too. I can't read your mother at all, and it just makes me think that she's trying to play mind games with you. You deserve better.

[butterflydreams]

13 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Wow, fuck that. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm willing to bet the timing was intentional too. I can't read your mother at all, and it just makes me think that she's trying to play mind games with you. You deserve better.

I can’t help but think I brought it on myself. When she called me I kind of hinted that I wasn’t doing well. I asked about the book I had given her at thanksgiving. It was a book about a mother learning to accept her transgender daughter. My mom said she read it and said she didn’t like “how the mother doted over her son” she kept calling the girl in the story a “son”. 

 

I brought the whole thing up. I brought the email upon myself.

[nanogretchen4]

You didn't bring it on yourself. You tried really hard to reach out to your mother and help her to understand what you are going through. You bent over backwards to give her the chance to be a good mother to you. She sounds really toxic, and that's on her. You've really tried to maintain a close relationship, but I think it's time for you to walk away. Focus on your own circle of friends as an adult. Find trustworthy friends who understand and accept you. 

[Mezzo Forte]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

I can’t help but think I brought it on myself. When she called me I kind of hinted that I wasn’t doing well. I asked about the book I had given her at thanksgiving. It was a book about a mother learning to accept her transgender daughter. My mom said she read it and said she didn’t like “how the mother doted over her son” she kept calling the girl in the story a “son”. 

 

I brought the whole thing up. I brought the email upon myself.

It's definitely not your fault. Even if you can come up with a chain of events leading up to this, nowhere in that chain of events is there a point where your mother's actions would have been a reasonable response by any means. This isn't unlike blaming yourself for getting mugged; hindsight makes the incident seem avoidable, so you blame yourself for not avoiding it. That said,  your past self did not have that hindsight to work with; there was no knowing what the other person was going to do, and therefore, couldn't have known how to avoid it.

 

It's not your fault, and you did not deserve to get treated that way by anyone, especially not by your own mother. I feel bad for holding onto hope that she'd improve, and I can't help but feel permanently wary of her at this point. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this  

[daveb]

I agree with @nanogretchen4 and @Mezzo Forte!

[Cobie]

On 25/12/2017 at 5:44 PM, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Hide contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

Hugs and best wishes to you if you want them. 🌸 I agree with @nanogretchen4

 

My mother rang me (47 years ago) sounding all excited and happy, saying ‘I know what’s wrong with you, you are a schizophrenic.’ 😭 I cut contact and saved my sanity. 

[Starbogen]

@butterflydreams Wow, I'm sorry your mom was so awful to you, especially during the holidays. My mom is not that bad anymore but she was at one point so I know what it's like to get comments like that from a parent at a time when what you need is support and understanding. 

 

I get what it's like to not want to give up on your parents accepting you because you can't really just get new parents, but at a certain point I think it's better to just get as much distance as possible from people who are toxic like that and completely unwilling to change even if it's to at least reach some middle ground and not make you feel terrible. But even that isn't really enough and it sucks that sometimes that's what we feel we have to settle for... Hope this makes sense.

 

I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays as much as you can.. I'm spending mine in Sweden with my girlfriend and it's amazing how okay and normal and comfortable I feel here. I met her family a few days ago but I already feel way more comfortable and accepted than I do with the people who are supposed to be my family. My gf accidentally outed me to her dad (it was 100% an accident and she knows what she did was wrong, she's very aware of my feelings and needs as a trans person) but he hasn't acted like it makes a difference at all and at first I thought that would make me feel really uncomfortable and self conscious because deep down I'm kind of ashamed of being trans, but it hasn't made me feel that way. Here I'm just a guy to everyone, whether they know I'm trans or not.

 

I was also really nervous about flying for the first time and had kinda resigned myself to the possibility of hearing "ms" and and female pronouns a lot at the airport when people saw my passport but it never happened. Even when someone glanced at my passport or boarding pass I still got male pronouns and then I talked to a few people in the plane and always got seen as male. And I think that there was one instance of someone using the wrong term when he looked at my boarding pass but then he looked at my face and immediately corrected himself and called me "sir". It was great because I was feeling bad about having my birthname so on display and having to be around so many people without binding so that really boosted my confidence.

[Lirpaderp]

I told my mom. She thinks I believe I'm not sure girl because of a hormonal imbalance or something. She said I won't be fully developed until I'm 25 and that I should wait until then to do anything. She thinks I have a weird hatred/obsession with my chest. In our conversation she called me a girl. I told her at this point I know I'm not a girl and it feels like she doesn't believe me. It's like years of thought haven't been enough and I don't know what I'm talking about, that's what she make me feel like. She kept going back and forth between she loves me and we need to make sure there's nothing medically wrong with me. I felt sure enough to tell her, why can't she believe me? I feel like I need proof, for myself and her. But what proof is there other than my own discomfort?

[AwkwardAxolotl]

I usually try not to grumble too much about my life, because it could be a whole lot worse, but at the moment, it could also be a whole lot better.

 

It's been 5 years since I came out to my mother and she still gets my pronouns wrong on a regular basis. She keeps saying she's sorry (spends at least 10 minutes each time apologizing and explaining how it's just so so difficult for her), and that I have to have patience with her, but I'm not sure how much more patience I have for her. She's not even getting better about my pronouns, she's actually been getting worse (she used to get them wrong about 10% of the time, now it's closer to 50%). No one else has taken anywhere close to this long to get my pronouns right. Even my 86 year old grandma who can't remember how many steps there are leading up to the door (there's only 2), or whether she's taken her pills yet gets my pronouns right, and has done so for years.

 

My mother is also desperate for validation as to how great of an ally she is. And by desperate I mean about as desperate as it is possible to get. Last year she signed a contract to write a book about theology and trans* people, and didn't ask me if I was okay with her writing the book until she had already signed the contract. So she wrote it, and I had to read it, because it needed a LOT of fixing. For example, she kept mixing up gender identity and sexual orientation, and turning them into one term, gender orientation. I also had to tell her that she is, under no circumstances, allowed to publish my coming out letter to her as part of her book. She had wanted to put the letter in her first chapter, which essentially boils down to my kid is trans* therefore I have the expertise to write about trans* people. I don't doubt she has the expertise to write the theology part (she does have a PhD in "practical theology," whatever that is), but I don't think being my mother qualifies her to write about trans* people. I'm not sure I would feel qualified to write about trans* people in general, and I am trans*.

 

I'm just tired of dealing with her.

 

At least she won't be able to invite herself to stay with me unexpectedly any more, since now my queerplatonic partner, her husband and I are moving in together in January. My mother might be fine being that rude to just me, but at least she has more manners when dealing with my loves (or roommates as she calls them, because they're married and I'm asexual, which apparently means that our relationship can never be "significant").

[:)(:]

40 minutes ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

It's been 5 years since I came out to my mother and she still gets my pronouns wrong on a regular basis. She keeps saying she's sorry (spends at least 10 minutes each time apologizing and explaining how it's just so so difficult for her)

Oh I had an idea just switch her pronouns and get them wrong possibly then she will rember when she feels misgendered😝

[Tortuga]

On 12/25/2017 at 7:44 AM, butterflydreams said:

My mom called me last night. Basically said I can do what I'm gonna do, but they aren't going to accept me as me. 

 

Got an email a few hours later saying

  Reveal hidden contents

"I don't think a sex change is what you need. Are you just looking for attention? I think you have Asperger's. Here's a list of symptoms and I think you have all of them"

 

Fuck life.

 

On 12/26/2017 at 4:30 AM, butterflydreams said:

I can’t help but think I brought it on myself. When she called me I kind of hinted that I wasn’t doing well. I asked about the book I had given her at thanksgiving. It was a book about a mother learning to accept her transgender daughter. My mom said she read it and said she didn’t like “how the mother doted over her son” she kept calling the girl in the story a “son”. 

 

I brought the whole thing up. I brought the email upon myself.

Why does your mom have to be so unaccepting??? It's her choice, her fault, not yours. Also, could you get me the title of that book, I want to read it now. Anyhow, *hugs*

Also, lots of cake.

Hope life gets better for you

Tortuga

(sorry I couldn't help more.)

[Mezzo Forte]

14 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

I told my mom. She thinks I believe I'm not sure girl because of a hormonal imbalance or something. She said I won't be fully developed until I'm 25 and that I should wait until then to do anything. She thinks I have a weird hatred/obsession with my chest. In our conversation she called me a girl. I told her at this point I know I'm not a girl and it feels like she doesn't believe me. It's like years of thought haven't been enough and I don't know what I'm talking about, that's what she make me feel like. She kept going back and forth between she loves me and we need to make sure there's nothing medically wrong with me. I felt sure enough to tell her, why can't she believe me? I feel like I need proof, for myself and her. But what proof is there other than my own discomfort?

Sorry to hear that.  She's getting the 25 number because most people believe that's when the brain (specifically the frontal lobe) is fully developed, but gender identity develops so much sooner than that. There's a reason why you don't have to be 25 to pursue medical transition. Your mother also has no right to act like she knows you better than you do. She can't peer into your head. She can't feel what you're feeling. How can she possibly know what you're going through and be able to dismiss it as not real? I'm nearly 25 myself, and I doubt I'm going to suddenly turn into this enlightened individual on my next birthday. Rather, if I had to wait until 25 to transition, I would be in a pretty sorry state right now.

[999papercranes]

I look back at old selfies (the little amount I had- I hated taking pictures of myself) and I truly don’t recognize the person I was. It makes me shudder. Even as recent as January. It feels like I was reverse body-snatched. Like someone else had control for the first fifteen years of my life and then... bam... I gained this sorry excuse for a shell back. I hate it because I have so many great memories but I feel sick when I open my photo albums and just see pictures of a girl after a girl after a girl. I lost my chance to be a little boy. I couldn’t grow up with awkward haircuts and shorts too long for my little legs and mud all over my arms and Pokémon cards. I feel like because I never got a chance to be a little boy I’m kind of like one right now. Maybe I feel that way because I’m aroace and that makes me “undeveloped” in others’ eyes, but I don’t know. 

[Mezzo Forte]

14 hours ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

I usually try not to grumble too much about my life, because it could be a whole lot worse, but at the moment, it could also be a whole lot better.

 

It's been 5 years since I came out to my mother and she still gets my pronouns wrong on a regular basis. She keeps saying she's sorry (spends at least 10 minutes each time apologizing and explaining how it's just so so difficult for her), and that I have to have patience with her, but I'm not sure how much more patience I have for her. She's not even getting better about my pronouns, she's actually been getting worse (she used to get them wrong about 10% of the time, now it's closer to 50%). No one else has taken anywhere close to this long to get my pronouns right. Even my 86 year old grandma who can't remember how many steps there are leading up to the door (there's only 2), or whether she's taken her pills yet gets my pronouns right, and has done so for years.

 

My mother is also desperate for validation as to how great of an ally she is. And by desperate I mean about as desperate as it is possible to get. Last year she signed a contract to write a book about theology and trans* people, and didn't ask me if I was okay with her writing the book until she had already signed the contract. So she wrote it, and I had to read it, because it needed a LOT of fixing. For example, she kept mixing up gender identity and sexual orientation, and turning them into one term, gender orientation. I also had to tell her that she is, under no circumstances, allowed to publish my coming out letter to her as part of her book. She had wanted to put the letter in her first chapter, which essentially boils down to my kid is trans* therefore I have the expertise to write about trans* people. I don't doubt she has the expertise to write the theology part (she does have a PhD in "practical theology," whatever that is), but I don't think being my mother qualifies her to write about trans* people. I'm not sure I would feel qualified to write about trans* people in general, and I am trans*.

 

I'm just tired of dealing with her.

 

At least she won't be able to invite herself to stay with me unexpectedly any more, since now my queerplatonic partner, her husband and I are moving in together in January. My mother might be fine being that rude to just me, but at least she has more manners when dealing with my loves (or roommates as she calls them, because they're married and I'm asexual, which apparently means that our relationship can never be "significant").

That all sounds really frustrating. >.< 5+ years to figure out pronouns is downright astonishing, especially if she's been around you this entire time. It's hard not to suspect a lack of effort at that point. I can completely get why you're bothered about the book too, as she's clearly not an expert on trans issues, and it's scary to see her paint herself as such. In my experience, there are lots of people out there that think having a trans friend or child is enough to make them experts on trans issues, but there's very few people who can genuinely keep up in these kinds of conversations. I think parents can get especially caught up in the "I know my child better than anyone" mentality, so if she thinks she's an expert on 'you,' then she therefore must be an expert on all the aspects of 'you' as well. That's a dangerous mental pitfall if you ask me.

 

Honestly, I've found myself surprised and disappointed talking trans issues with even some of the dearer people in my life. Some of my friends really assume this air of expertise on LGBT issues and then still manage to say really questionable stuff to me about trans topics. For example, a family member's male coworker dressed up as Caitlyn Jenner for a gag Halloween costume, in as essential of a man-in-a-dress way you can imagine, and a few family members actively justified the man's actions when I was visibly cringing as my family mentioned the guy's outfit. One claimed that if it isn't offensive for her to cosplay a (cis) male character, then this guy's costume is okay too, when those situations are not equal at all. It's extra disappointing when the people saying these things act like they really know trans issues well.

 

That said, I have one cis friend in particular who is so good about this stuff that he kind of set my expectations too high. He claims that he had a somewhat limited knowledge of the topic, but that my openness about my transition and my views "gave [him] a lot of fair warning," so he knew how not to fall into those pitfalls. We've actually had some rad conversations about the parallels between inner LGBT politics and racial minority politics (he's not white), and he's certainly given me fair warning for how not to be ignorant about certain issues as well. I sometimes forget that others 1) haven't heard me share my views quite so thoroughly, and 2) are rather unaware of their own blind spots.

[Mezzo Forte]

13 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

I look back at old selfies (the little amount I had- I hated taking pictures of myself) and I truly don’t recognize the person I was. It makes me shudder. Even as recent as January. It feels like I was reverse body-snatched. Like someone else had control for the first fifteen years of my life and then... bam... I gained this sorry excuse for a shell back. I hate it because I have so many great memories but I feel sick when I open my photo albums and just see pictures of a girl after a girl after a girl. I lost my chance to be a little boy. I couldn’t grow up with awkward haircuts and shorts too long for my little legs and mud all over my arms and Pokémon cards. I feel like because I never got a chance to be a little boy I’m kind of like one right now. Maybe I feel that way because I’m aroace and that makes me “undeveloped” in others’ eyes, but I don’t know. 

I know the feeling. Old photos are so bizarre to see. While I tend to gravitate toward more gender-neutral terminology for my past, like child/childhood/'when I was younger,' I would still refer to my childhood as a boyhood far sooner than a girlhood.

 

I've heard of some trans guys actually doing top surgery first, because it made them feel like they could have a second chance at boyhood before the testosterone led them into manhood. Personally, I have bad hangups about being trapped in childhood, and the testosterone is helping, even if I now feel stuck in a sort of 'teenhood' at the moment, especially because of my relationship with my overly doting parents and my current financial reliance on them. I so thoroughly denied the estrogen-based puberty that I preferred to see myself as a child than an adult woman, but I still hated feeling like a child. I'm at least moving in the right direction now.

[Emery.]

And I have hormonal imbalance and "fixing it" only makes my trans brain go nuts. It seems like I did nothing, but my T is soaring. If it goes some more up, I'll be officially intersex I already have androgynous levels of the active thing (that's within the norm, still). If all I have to deal with is turbo muscle mass, which I quite like, irregular periods, which I also like, and a bit of facial hair, then I'll manage. Lol. So... like... one doesn't exclude the other. But I'm just a natural androgyne, if anything. If you were to look for a real illness, then look for cysts on ovaries and just get an ultrasound of the parts in case... something unexpected.