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The-world-is-quiet-here

My grandma is taking me shopping for the holidays today. She wants me to get “things I actually want.” 

 

I think I’ll at least look at the men’s section. 

 

My grandma definitely wishes I was more feminine. She especially compliments me on the rare occasions I dress femininely.

 

I’m trying to figure out how terrible of an idea it is to try to shop for androgynous (or maybe masculine?) clothing. 

I’m not really out to my grandma, but she knows something’s up. Hence the compliments on my (perceived) femininity. Also, she’s like 80 years old, very religious/traditional/status quo, and even if I did verbally come out to her, she wouldn’t accept it. She wouldn’t accept me.

 

But I’m kinda done caring. I guess that’s easier to say now, when I’m feeling brave, but when it comes down to it, I’ll get all blushy and frozen. :( 

 

Anyway, I’ll let you know if I find anything amazing. :) 

 

 

Edited by The-world-is-quiet-here
it italicized almost everything...?
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Hey there. I have a question. What does it mean to express yourself? What can I do to express myself? Just in general. I was also wondering what it is in masculinity that I want so hard. What can it be, if I think I wouldn’t find myself as a man? Because I’ve been having some transition thoughts lately... and I think I wouldn’t like what men are expected to be... tough and stuff. Emotionless. I mean that would be my only problem. But an irritating one. But what is it that I like then? Any ideas?

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20 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Hey there. I have a question. What does it mean to express yourself? What can I do to express myself? Just in general. I was also wondering what it is in masculinity that I want so hard. What can it be, if I think I wouldn’t find myself as a man? Because I’ve been having some transition thoughts lately... and I think I wouldn’t like what men are expected to be... tough and stuff. Emotionless. I mean that would be my only problem. But an irritating one. But what is it that I like then? Any ideas?

I just go to the definition and go from their “hint do not look up masculinity in wiki you get a 100% naked man”

Masculinity Masculinity is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles associated with boys and men. Masculinity is both socially-defined and biologically-created. It is distinct from the definition of the male biological sex.

Not helpful eh.

 

Mm personaly I think men are less complex. I guess just not being conious if expressing yourself and just doing stuff. If you overthink it tends to see fake? Anyway I don’t think men are emotional as an tough I just think that it is just an exaggeration so they are different then women. Urg this is complex...

 
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Well, of course men have feelings. Lol. It’s just a cultural norm that they should hide feelings. Or they are not man enough. Moreover, it’s just the West. Other cultures don’t have this standard.

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31 minutes ago, :)(: said:

“hint do not look up masculinity in wiki you get a 100% naked man”

Now I'm just wondering how they picked a person to be the literal model of masculinity....

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23 minutes ago, Andiamo said:

Now I'm just wondering how they picked a person to be the literal model of masculinity....

It was some Greek beared statue 

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butterflydreams
17 hours ago, Tortuga said:

My shoulders are unfixable :(

Very cute :cake:  I don’t think your shoulders are bad at all. *hugs*

 

Well, between getting called a disgusting tranny, and having someone tell me they’d pray for me, I’ll take the latter. That’s a new one for me in online dating. A guy, seemed really interested in me, asked me questions indicating he’d read my profile. Really engaging me. I thought, could this be it? Then he asked about me being trans. Seemed polite, so I engaged him.

 

Then the other shoe dropped. He said he was really religious and would “pray for me”. I told him that wasn’t necessary. He then explained that he saw me as a man because that’s how god made me, even though I can’t help the dysphoria. 

 

Hard to be mad at him, he was so polite. Still, can’t catch a damn break. :(

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2 hours ago, Emery. said:

Hey there. I have a question. What does it mean to express yourself? What can I do to express myself? Just in general. I was also wondering what it is in masculinity that I want so hard. What can it be, if I think I wouldn’t find myself as a man? Because I’ve been having some transition thoughts lately... and I think I wouldn’t like what men are expected to be... tough and stuff. Emotionless. I mean that would be my only problem. But an irritating one. But what is it that I like then? Any ideas?

A difficult question!

I can feel really masculine but still don't find myself connecting with men or feeling like one of them. I think I would like to part of the mlm community, but I don't think I'd ever be accepted so that thought is irrelevant.

I don't really associate personality traits or behaviours with gender (maybe socialisation, but not gender), so that doesn't come to mind at all.

Thinks that emphasize my gender is basically dressing in less figure-hugging clothing, showing not as much leg or cleavage, not showing off my shape in a typical feminine manner (hour glass and all), not making a big deal about hair or makeup, not wearing jewelry (just like subtle rings and earrings occasionally), i want to get a more *masculine* watch soon. At some point I decided "if (cis) men don't have to show any ass than neither do I" so now I wear loose-fitting jeans from time to time and it's great. I started wearing oversized stuff too and I love it.

So yeah I don't know. I just am masculine. Internally or whatever. Men have little to do with it.

 

Oh also, today a kid asked me if I was a girl. She's my total fan. Maybe she is crushing on me and is confused about it. Idk, I don't want to be maing assumptions like this about a kid. But yeah, she repeatedly asks me. I had a few other kids ask me once and that was that. But she asks me this on a regular basis. (I always say I am, and kind of like justify it with at least making a good role model on how womanhood can be lived in different ways).

Edited by Finn.
second language mishap
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Hello all,

I was browsing on Amazon and book that came up was the gender games by Juno Dawson (I was looking for a replacement for my Juno dvd as that has been misplaced (I think it was near my mum's DVDs when a person she does some sewing for borrowed some. Is up in the air also missing? Maybe. Need to check)

 

Anyway has anyone read the gender games by Juno Dawson?

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My best friend accidentally outed me to her dad by sending him my travel information because he's going to drive us... Apparently it just slipped her mind that those documents would have my legal name in them and even say "Ms".. and I've just been pretty much crying the whole day or just on the edge of it.

I had to go out with my parents so I've been hiding it but I just feel so done and dead inside right now. But I could still keep crying a lot if I let myself.

The worst part is that now her dad knows this very personal thing about me before I've even met him. And I had no control over that.

I don't know what's gonna happen now.. how I'll pretend to be okay during the trip or what will happen between us. She said her dad said he would still just think of me as male and by my name but I can't seem to care right now. All I can think about is that he knows my birthname and he knows I'm afab and that I am so fucking ashamed of those facts about me.

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16 minutes ago, Starbogen said:

My best friend accidentally outed me to her dad by sending him my travel information because he's going to drive us... Apparently it just slipped her mind that those documents would have my legal name in them and even say "Ms".. and I've just been pretty much crying the whole day or just on the edge of it.

I had to go out with my parents so I've been hiding it but I just feel so done and dead inside right now. But I could still keep crying a lot if I let myself.

The worst part is that now her dad knows this very personal thing about me before I've even met him. And I had no control over that.

I don't know what's gonna happen now.. how I'll pretend to be okay during the trip or what will happen between us. She said her dad said he would still just think of me as male and by my name but I can't seem to care right now. All I can think about is that he knows my birthname and he knows I'm afab and that I am so fucking ashamed of those facts about me.

I can relate. I too like the minimum known about my personal stuff. my friend asked of I was ace once and I freaked out. What seems to be the right answer is  “their is nothing to be ashamed about” but that may probably does not help.

 

Try to remember that their is nothing in the word he can do to hurt you. 

 

Tell your friend how you feel and listen to music.

 

Think about something embarrassing about him like he is afraid of puppies  or something.

 

Your birth name and gender assigned at birth do not exist attached to you right? Will thinking about it that way?

 

sorry I know you feel bad and I tired to think of ways to help but I don’t think I was very helpful...

 

lastly a a virtual hug 

 

“Hug”

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something happened and now half my spanish class knows I'm trans (But they don't know about the flux part, so I got that going for me.) 

For the most part they're accepting, but, judging by the rate and accuracy of gossip, by the end of Monday, half the school will know- 

I'm guessing what happened was that my ex-friend, who got turned by the "cool kids" told them about it and now I've been outed. How do I cope with this???

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I keep telling myself I don't know what gender I am because I'm afraid to admit it. I told myself as soon as I knew what I was I'd tell my mom. Going from a place where a few friends (basically the only people I interact with) call me he and treat me like a man to a place where I'm constantly called girl and sister is awful. Every 'she' is worse than a punch in the gut and I have to pretend it's normal.

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Masculinity problem update: it vanished. I spinned in circles for a moment and then I concluded that it just stresses me out and brings me nowhere, to think about masculinity, femininity and the such. How it began is that I felt like my identity was being swept under the carpet and I wanted to express it somehow, and I was thinking about transitioning and stuff... I'm not sure how I arrived at my conclusion, but it is: it's not wrong that I identify as a boy, and clothes are a physical and visible thing too, so here we go, and that even if I transitioned I would still struggle with people skeptical about transgenderism, but you know what, it's not that I don't make sense thinking I'm male, I've been "one of the guys" for such a long time, that this is no wonder that I feel like one. And it's not my fault if someone dismisses my experience, this is their fault. And their problem. And their stupidity. And... I don't need to hide in any way. I can identify with any gender I please and whenever I please, just like anyone else. So all in all, I grew a bit more confident and I pleased myself with some shopping for men's clothes. :) (I finally found a watch that looks cool and didn't cost a fortune)

 

I wanted to make a life update, but my life is boring now.

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Possibly tmi:

 

Spoiler

I've been on finasteride (DHT Blocker) for a few months now... 

 

I noticed my hair growth on body is a bit less.. That's so great...

Is my chest growing? It feels softer.. hmmm, have I gained weight?

 

I can't wait for my full HRT... Hnnnnnnng.

 

And overall...

 

I'm somehow really glad, that this is happening all. I'm glad that it is possible.. I wished for this for so long deeply inside... It's time to let her out, that always has been leaking out and put back inside hiding... 

 

It hurts so much though, the thoughts of "Being weird...", and later on "I can't be trans, right?" to ... "Yap, holy crap, I literally had all the signs and didn't act on it..."

It's so hard, I literally had people ask me during my lifetime who hadn't seen me in person. "Are you a girl?" and then I had to confess... "No, what made you think?"... "You're so much like a girl! Look at your character, the way you play it... it's sooo authentic!"

 

T_T... I wasn't pretending to be a girl... I just played like how I felt.

 

Why does it when you are able to escape like this... It all turns out to be fine... You lose yourself in real life. I have been able to go for so long into this escape I guess... 

 

It's time to correct a few things... Here I come xD

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999papercranes

Things are just crushing me right now.

I have dysphoria over my facial structure now. My chest has gotten bigger because I’m on shark week and I can’t bear it anymore, I want to wear my binder 24/7 because my sports bras aren’t binding enough, but I always try to limit my binder usage to three days a week. My friends don’t use the correct pronouns or name even when we’re completely alone. I’ve given up on correcting them. I really don’t want to be trans. I want this to be a phase. I want to stop hating myself and feeling like shit. I want to be happy and not have to deal with T and transphobia and coming out and a legal name and sex change and everything else. I don’t want to deal with any of this. My mom has seemed to given up on searching for a counselor for me. I think it’s because my brother needs a lot of help right now. He’s failing all of his classes and he spends all day in his room and always seems angry. My mom is always saying I’m the most “well-adjusted” one in the family and that she’s glad that she “doesn’t have to worry about me.” Here’s the thing. Nobody worries about me. Everyone thinks I’m fine. But I’m not fine. I want someone to cry to, someone to use my right pronouns and name without me having to prompt them, someone who notices when I’m feeling shitty and asks me what’s wrong and listens and cares about my problems. I want to recognize myself in the mirror. I want my life to feel less like a movie that I’m watching in the audience. I want to be whole.

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butterflydreams

@999papercranes, first off, *hugs*. I know exactly how you feel, wishing it would just be over, wishing it was just a phase. Keep harping on your friends to use the right name and pronouns. They’re your friends, they should be supportive, and if they aren’t, maybe it’s time to find better friends. I’m not sure when you came out to them, but it can take a while for some people. I wasn’t in the clear on name/pronouns with coworkers at a near 100% level until about a year after I came out. I know it seems like a lot of patience, and it is, but it is something that gets better with time. And I hate people who say things like “it gets better”, but this is one thing that genuinely does. Keep advocating for yourself with your mom too. She may be distracted by the bigger priority of your brother right now, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need help. 

 

Also, being trans isn’t about hating yourself. It’s about learning to love yourself as you are even if that’s not who people see you as. *hugs*

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999papercranes
1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

@999papercranes, first off, *hugs*. I know exactly how you feel, wishing it would just be over, wishing it was just a phase. Keep harping on your friends to use the right name and pronouns. They’re your friends, they should be supportive, and if they aren’t, maybe it’s time to find better friends. I’m not sure when you came out to them, but it can take a while for some people. I wasn’t in the clear on name/pronouns with coworkers at a near 100% level until about a year after I came out. I know it seems like a lot of patience, and it is, but it is something that gets better with time. And I hate people who say things like “it gets better”, but this is one thing that genuinely does. Keep advocating for yourself with your mom too. She may be distracted by the bigger priority of your brother right now, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need help. 

 

Also, being trans isn’t about hating yourself. It’s about learning to love yourself as you are even if that’s not who people see you as. *hugs*

Thank you <3 Your words mean a lot to me.

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On December 17, 2017 at 10:21 AM, 999papercranes said:

My mom is always saying I’m the most “well-adjusted” one in the family and that she’s glad that she “doesn’t have to worry about me.” 

In this case, I can imagine that your mom is mistaking "high functioning" with "well-adjusted." Even when my dysphoria/depression were at their worst, I seemed just fine to most people. Heck, the worst of all this hit during my second master's program, and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA despite that.  Your pain is real and valid, and I'm sorry that your family does not see that. 

 

Unfortunately, persistence might be your best bet right now. Pronoun changes take practice to become consistent, so your friends sound like they need persistent reminders to gender you correctly. If you know enough about your insurance, maybe you can do some research into counselors yourself and bring that information to your parents? Maybe a school counselor can help point you to a specialist? 

 

Transition has momentum; the beginning can be really slow and painful, but eventually, you find yourself further along than you could have imagined. My early transition went from feeling like the eye of a storm to genuine hurricane-force winds, but once everything settled down, I found myself almost blindsided by how consistently I lived my life as male. Not everyone moves at the pace I did, but once you get past the most treacherous parts of transition, particularly the social ones, everything starts to feel a bit better. You will hit that point someday, and I hope that day comes soon.

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7 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Transition has momentum; the beginning can be really slow and painful, but eventually, you find yourself further along than you could have imagined. My early transition went from feeling like the eye of a storm to genuine hurricane-force winds, but once everything settled down, I found myself almost blindsided by how consistently I lived my life as male. Not everyone moves at the pace I did, but once you get past the most treacherous parts of transition, particularly the social ones, everything starts to feel a bit better. You will hit that point someday, and I hope that day comes soon.

I think I'm stuck... at the social, really bad part... (My parents don't care, too.)

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999papercranes
10 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

In this case, I can imagine that your mom is mistaking "high functioning" with "well-adjusted." Even when my dysphoria/depression were at their worst, I seemed just fine to most people. Heck, the worst of all this hit during my second master's program, and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA despite that.  Your pain is real and valid, and I'm sorry that your family does not see that. 

 

Unfortunately, persistence might be your best bet right now. Pronoun changes take practice to become consistent, so your friends sound like they need persistent reminders to gender you correctly. If you know enough about your insurance, maybe you can do some research into counselors yourself and bring that information to your parents? Maybe a school counselor can help point you to a specialist? 

 

Transition has momentum; the beginning can be really slow and painful, but eventually, you find yourself further along than you could have imagined. My early transition went from feeling like the eye of a storm to genuine hurricane-force winds, but once everything settled down, I found myself almost blindsided by how consistently I lived my life as male. Not everyone moves at the pace I did, but once you get past the most treacherous parts of transition, particularly the social ones, everything starts to feel a bit better. You will hit that point someday, and I hope that day comes soon.

Thank you <3 I hope it’s not weird to say, but someday I’d like to have made half as much progress as you have :P You’re a bit of an inspiration to this trans boy 

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4 hours ago, Tortuga said:

I think I'm stuck... at the social, really bad part... (My parents don't care, too.)

That's rough, social transition is hard enough even when people are supportive. :( I hope your family turns around someday, but more importantly, I hope you have/find a consistent support base who can help you through this part of your transition. Even one trusted friend can make a huge difference; I know it did for me.

 

1 hour ago, 999papercranes said:

Thank you <3 I hope it’s not weird to say, but someday I’d like to have made half as much progress as you have :P You’re a bit of an inspiration to this trans boy 

Nothing weird about it; I'm very flattered. :) Maybe it's my inner educator speaking, but I really do love sharing my own experience and knowledge to help others make decisions for themselves, and I'm glad my words can be a source of positivity for you. (Heck, moments like these make me feel like I'm doing the right thing getting involved in trans advocacy in the way I'm starting to.)  I know that you'll make all this progress and then some when you have the right opportunity, and I'll be rooting for you every step of the way. :) 

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I attend a Catholic high school, and I had to sit through my Theology teacher showing us videos of people who identified as cats or six year old girls, transracials and transabled and one non binary person. I fully support these people and their journies, even if I find them strange, but the way he spoke about it and let the class laugh at them... I ended up crying while sitting in the front row. I basically outed myself. (I am still questioning, but I prefer male pronouns) He made me stay after class and proceeded to talk my ear off about "objective reality" and "the path to holiness these people are missing". Our next test also made us write a short essay about the same topic.

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Whoa what did just happened? Now my country's railway company is going to erase the man and woman mark on the chipcard so nonbinary folks won't feel excluded. but on the other hand...what does that mean to me? I can't call myself what i am anymore? I want the guy mark on that card!!! I kinda wished they would let us have the option on what we can put on our own cards whenever we are male, female or nonbinary *sigh* i just feel this world needs more education. I seriously can't believe they didn't even take time to do some research before implementing this thing.Good that they are addressing travelers now with "Dear Travelers" but am i the only one who feels troubled about this??????

 

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Is there any practical reason the card needs gender?

 

I think of things like websites that have gender as a required field when it is not necessary. I'd rather have it be optional. I know some will give an option such as "decline to state" or similar. Otherwise you either have to have all sorts of choices included (which will inevitably lead to some people not being happy), or you allow type-ins (which can be abused - thinking of the kind of people who would use it to mock transgendered people and such).

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butterflydreams
16 minutes ago, daveb said:

I think of things like websites that have gender as a required field when it is not necessary. I'd rather have it be optional. I know some will give an option such as "decline to state" or similar. Otherwise you either have to have all sorts of choices included (which will inevitably lead to some people not being happy), or you allow type-ins (which can be abused - thinking of the kind of people who would use it to mock transgendered people and such).

I think it’s mostly market research and demographic data. For most websites, they just want to know who their users are, that’s it. Like it or not, different genders still congregate towards different things, statistically. 

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1 minute ago, butterflydreams said:

I think it’s mostly market research and demographic data. For most websites, they just want to know who their users are, that’s it. Like it or not, different genders still congregate towards different things, statistically. 

I'm sure it is, but it is not "required" from the standpoint of a user. And in some cases it doesn't even have to do with anything like sales. I have seen it on some forums (for hobbies, work-related stuff, etc.). Or they require an honorific. I still think it should be optional rather than required.

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butterflydreams
1 minute ago, daveb said:

I'm sure it is, but it is not "required" from the standpoint of a user. And in some cases it doesn't even have to do with anything like sales. I have seen it on some forums (for hobbies, work-related stuff, etc.). Or they require an honorific. I still think it should be optional rather than required.

Even where nothing is being sold, nerds love data and analyzing it. I know, I am one. It could just be the creators are curious about their user base and nothing more. For what it’s worth, back when I was making websites with user sign ups and stuff, it never would’ve occurred to me to ask gender, because it wasn’t relevant. I was making social networking type sites.

 

Another explanation could be a customer service thing. By having a gender or honorific listed, customer service reps can be sure to address someone correctly. Online you don’t know that. I had this happen via email all the time until I added “ms” to my email signature. Still not required per se, but positive customer service scores count for a lot in organizations.

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3 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

By having a gender or honorific listed, customer service reps can be sure to address someone correctly.

Not if the choices don't let you choose one that applies personally (and what about gender-fluid people?).

 

Sure, there are plenty of rationalizations for requiring gender. It still doesn't serve everyone well. That's why I prefer optional rather than required.

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