TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Emery.]

On 13.11.2017 at 1:08 AM, Starbogen said:

 

@Emery. Well I don't know what to say...

 

Yeah, I know, my "stuff" is turbo complicated. 

 

Edit: i wish i could come out just like that. I wish i could be out in the open like the draq queen. I don't want to be ashamed.

 

I sure as hell not hesitate to introduce myself with my masculine name the next time.

 

[butterflydreams]

You know what I've found really interesting since coming out? Trans people are everywhere. From the classic rock band I loved as a kid (still love to this day) to that nice woman who you saw once or twice at the cafe. The active visibility now is nice, but I hope people will realize how trans people were already everywhere. Doing normal shit and going about their lives. 

[Starbogen]

The prof who called out my birthname the other week apologized for it and told me about a building in the university where I could go see if they could help me start taking some steps to legally changing my name. So... I don't actually know anything about that process or what the costs might be or anything but I guess it wouldn't hurt to check out that place and talk to someone.

I doubt I could actually do anything while I'm still living with my family though... It's not like I can change my name in secret right..?

[ChillaKilla]

I talked to my hormone provider and she gave me the OK to switch from bi-weekly 1mL to weekly .5mL. Had my first .5mL dose today in a long time (as that’s what I started on) and by GOD, I forgot how much easier and less unpleasant it was! Half the injection time, a mere fraction of the pain (1mL might not sound like a lot, but you really can feel it)... I think this arrangement is going to work much better. I’m very optimistic  

 

Side note- yesterday was my official 8 months! Wow! I’m so happy  

[butterflydreams]

Monthly nosebleed...right on schedule. A bit lighter than usual though. lol

[Starbogen]

I had my first meeting with the psic person today.. I'm gonna call her that for now because she's a grad student basically doing a practice I guess under the supervision of a liscenced practitioner. But anyway, she was nice and we talked some about my family and how they treat me and their reactions to me being trans and all that.

I'm going to meet with her again next week and see where that goes I guess. And I'll check out that other place for legal services next week too, and also see if I can get my institutional email changed so my birthname isn't part of it. Don't know if anything will actually come out of any of this but I'm feeling productive lately.

[Guest]

*Sigh* i sometimes wonder why people think deadnaming is okay in certain circumstances.It just isn’t. I might aswell just bang my head somewhere and scream out of pure annoyance with human stupidity. 

 

Spoiler, some shouting  

 

NOBODY WANTS TO BE TOLD THEY WERE ONCE KNOWN AS *INSERT NAME HERE* THEY JUST WANT TO LIVE THEIR AUTHENTIC LIFE!

 

[Emery.]

13 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Monthly nosebleed...right on schedule. A bit lighter than usual though. lol

Some people say it's BS that trans women have monthly cycles, but I'm inclined to believe it, because my own period doesn't follow the schedule at all

 

and I have morning boners too xP Always the same time.

 

Who knows, maybe everyone has such a monthly cycle ticking in their body, just like everyone has nipples and if not a penis than all the vee jay flesh. And just like men "getting pregnant" together with their wives.

[ChillaKilla]

9 hours ago, Jayce said:

*Sigh* i sometimes wonder why people think deadnaming is okay in certain circumstances.It just isn’t. I might aswell just bang my head somewhere and scream out of pure annoyance with human stupidity. 

 

Spoiler, some shouting  

  Reveal hidden contents

NOBODY WANTS TO BE TOLD THEY WERE ONCE KNOWN AS *INSERT NAME HERE* THEY JUST WANT TO LIVE THEIR AUTHENTIC LIFE!

 

When reactionaries and conservatives on this forum think it’s okay because “I was referring to the past”  

[butterflydreams]

15 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

When reactionaries and conservatives on this forum think it’s okay because “I was referring to the past”  

I always feel bad for preferring to be referred to as who I am now, even for events in the past. 

[Enne Kristin]

I just got told that I got some sort of "special medical care" just after my birth, I am doing research on this but it is very likely that I am an intersexual person. Feeling odd, but this may explain many things of my life - never fully identifying with any gender or being just adjectant to it, but never being it. I presume I have PAIS and this is the reason why I am sort of "underdeveloped" ... OMG

[Starbogen]

12 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I always feel bad for preferring to be referred to as who I am now, even for events in the past. 

No don't feel bad. There's nothing wrong with that.

I prefer to refer to myself by neutral terms for those cases.

[ChillaKilla]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

I always feel bad for preferring to be referred to as who I am now, even for events in the past. 

You are who you are now and there’s nothing wrong with retroactively applying that whatsoever.

[Guest]

15 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

When reactionaries and conservatives on this forum think it’s okay because “I was referring to the past”  

I hate that too..because it only says you can never be who you are because you have been X in the past and people are too ignorant to respect the fact you simply want to be yourself.I guess it really is too much to ask to be referred to as your preferred pronouns past and present  

 

14 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I always feel bad for preferring to be referred to as who I am now, even for events in the past. 

*Hugs* Hadley

You should be able to be yourself and you shouldn’t be ashamed of requesting others to refer to you as you prefer, there is nothing wrong with that.

[Kimmie.]

15 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I always feel bad for preferring to be referred to as who I am now, even for events in the past. 

I can only agree with everyone else here. You are who you are.

[daveb]

3 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

I can only agree with everyone else here. You are who you are.

And who you are is a fantastic person.

[Enne Kristin]

I am not feeling fantastic atm. Ill and questioning.

[butterflydreams]

3 hours ago, Any said:

I am not feeling fantastic atm. Ill and questioning.

*hugs*

 

And thanks, all, for the kind words. I’ll keep them with me when I go to a meetup group this weekend. I’m nervous that I’m an unlikable person and that I’m going to be a wallflower. It’s a women’s social group, and I’m really in need of something like that. This is my first time being brave enough to do a _______ for women that isn’t specifically trans inclusive.

[ChillaKilla]

@butterflydreams Hope everything goes well! Be sure to tell us afterwards  

[Enne Kristin]

Thanks for the hugs

 

I am really fatigued, could not go to work because of my illness (enteritis, aching like hell... #%ucks...), but my spouse keeps me tidiing up and working on the household, while they stayed in bed until late in the afternoon. and now they are wondering why I am sleepy, my tummy hurts and act like a bear who was awakened from hibernation, yelling at me that I was unbearable and all.

 

WHO had allready cleaned up and did the homestuff done? OH darn, they are a freaking macho sometimes (as a afab feminist that is! for crying out loud!)

 

/me is really angry and upset at the moment...

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

@Any Yeah your partner does sound a bit macho and not in a good way the most un-feminist thing there is imo is devaluing and taking for granted someone else's domestic work, darn it! I hope they apologise and make it up to you, also hope you feel less ill soon!

[butterflydreams]

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/3h18y2/being_transgender_is_more_than_i_feel_like_i_can/

 

So I found this today and the OP in it really says a lot of the things I feel. It's tough being trans. It really is. Knowing you're trans, and always will be. Waking up in the morning and realizing, "fuck, still trans." This thread just really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share it.

[999papercranes]

29 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/3h18y2/being_transgender_is_more_than_i_feel_like_i_can/

 

So I found this today and the OP in it really says a lot of the things I feel. It's tough being trans. It really is. Knowing you're trans, and always will be. Waking up in the morning and realizing, "fuck, still trans." This thread just really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share it.

I feel this :/ Of course, I have a lot of privilege or whatever, being AFAB, white, skinny, and born with more "masculine" features, but it still resonates within me. It's just so damn hard thinking about my future. Why can't people just know to call me Parker and call me a boy? Why do I have to go through all of this pain and internal struggle? Why is recognizing myself in the mirror so hard? 

I want this to all be a phase. Genuinely. I hope that by the age of 18 I've accepted myself as a GNC girl. If I haven't... I don't know what the hell I'll do.

[Starbogen]

54 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/3h18y2/being_transgender_is_more_than_i_feel_like_i_can/

 

So I found this today and the OP in it really says a lot of the things I feel. It's tough being trans. It really is. Knowing you're trans, and always will be. Waking up in the morning and realizing, "fuck, still trans." This thread just really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share it.

Yeah I especially get the "will always feel like a fraud somewhere deep down" feeling. Because it's like.. even when I'm at my most confident and even if I look completely male and have been living that way for many years.. I'll always be very aware that I'm not like cis men, who I inevitably see as "normal men", and I never have been and I never will be.

 

That sense that I will always be different really gets me sometimes. It's like there's no way out of being this way and being this way is not right. I want to be able to feel okay with being trans and I'm proud of the things I've done to be more myself but I don't think I'll ever be fully comfortable and accepting of my transness because yeah, it feels like a disfigurement. It feels like something that makes me "less than", it's something I'm essentially going to hide from most people because showing it would be kinda humiliating for me in a way. This is just me but yeah, sometimes I feel like if people knew I'm trans then they'd know just how wrong I was bodywise. And worse it would give awful people all the ammunition they wanted to call me some horrible things and just put me down. I want to be confident enough to feel like people's opinion of me being trans wouldn't affect me but of course it would because it's just confirming that sense of being different and wrong.

 

But like the person in that thread there's really no going back because why would I go back to that? I completely fail at living as female, in fact I never really even tried being a "woman", I couldn't, just went straight from GNC teenage "girl" to questioning person to trans guy. And things are hard and in some ways they suck more than ever but I like presenting as male and just being male as much as I disliked the alternative. So there's no going back.. plus, even if I could go back I still would never be normal. Because I'm just not fucking cis and it's really obvious now.

[Lirpaderp]

I'm not out so I shouldn't be upset or anything.... I came home for Thanksgiving break and the first thing my mom said was 'hey girlie'. People in my family say it as a term of endearment, but it feels wrong. But I'm not going to say anything about it..  that's what bothers me the most

[999papercranes]

Something cool happened today. We were walking into a store and my mom told me she was trying really hard not to call me "girl" or "daughter" anymore because she realized it probably made me feel bad. That completely caught me off guard. I didn't think she understood all of this to that extent. I thought I was going to have to tell her, but she figured it out herself. Just thought I'd share  

[SkyWorld]

A bunch of stuff I'd like to share/talk about, so apologies in advance for rambling.  

 

1. For one of my assignments in one of my art classes, I made this piece. I also submitted it to the student art show, and hopefully it gets accepted... It's a very personal piece, but I thought it might be nice to share if you all. I ended up titling it "I Am Indigo", as I feel like that's a very very simplistic way for me to describe my gender identity being transmasculine nb.

Spoiler

Not the actual size, it's much larger, but needed to shrink it for AVEN.

 

2.

Spoiler

I've been feeling kind of sad. I was so excited for finally starting T, but realized that I'm not able to afford it unless I cut something else out to pay for it. Which, I don't think I'm able to do. Especially since I'm trying to save up for a car, school books and materials... none of that is cheap. Maybe I could get my current health insurance to help pay for it, but it's under my mom's name and I don't want her to find out in the mail what I've been doing. Not too sure how she might feel about that. Besides, I reminded myself that I'm trying to be financially independent from her; even if I still pay the rest if my health insurance helps cover it. So I'm really really trying to get this job that has a good rep for helping their trans employees and get my own health insurance in my name that can help me finally get started on T (they also pay more). I just haven't heard back from them yet...  It's really disappointing too because of how excited I was. I fist-pumped the air and accidentally hit the (moving) fan. :'D 

Spoiler

I also really don't want to transition at my current job. It's hard enough as is being a person of color who just so happens to have a female body. Some of the customers (that happens more frequently than it should, but I wouldn't necessarily say "often") are sexist and/or racist. The customers must take a number and wait their turn and one customer was upset that a black woman was being served before him even though she pulled a number and it was her turn, called her a "n*gger". Another example is how we'd get these grumpy old guys who would always be rude to the women on our team, but once one of the guys come up, their attitude does a 180. Even my boss, who happens to be a guy, noticed this. When I finished an order for one of these men, they didn't say thank you to me, but to my boss... when all he did was talk to the guy and distract him so that he wouldn't be such an asshole to me. Yeah, there's always going to be people like that no matter where I go, but there just seems to be more of them here...

 

 

[Lirpaderp]

I've been home a day and I've already fallen apart. I can't do a week of this. I want to go back to school. At least there I'm called he by a few people. I spent all day pretending everything was normal. But I can't do this. I need to tell them but I can't. I can't pretend I'm a girl. I forgot how often my mom calls me miss. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm not out to anybody here. How do I last 8 days?  

[SkyWorld]

4 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

I've been home a day and I've already fallen apart. I can't do a week of this. I want to go back to school. At least there I'm called he by a few people. I spent all day pretending everything was normal. But I can't do this. I need to tell them but I can't. I can't pretend I'm a girl. I forgot how often my mom calls me miss. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm not out to anybody here. How do I last 8 days?  

What I personally do is get out of the house as much as possible and find any excuse to do so: go to the gym, hang out with friends, see a movie, read at the library, eat out, etc.

[Finn.]

I posted a selfie on my tumblr, talking about dysphoria. Somebody messaged me afterwards, telling me how masc I look. The whole thing played out as expected, him telling me he Never Would've Known I wasn't a cis guy. Then he wanted to talk about my preferences in body hair, followed by him sending me a pic of his legs (!). Obviously he wanted me to return the favor, which I didn't. I told him I'm not looking for anything sexual or romantic, and he was all like Why Are You Telling Me This. Sure... In the end he apologized for the pic and stopped replying. 

So it didn't turn out as bad as it could have. It was kind of funny, kind of horrible. Cis men can be the worst, honestly. Did he really think I would fall for this nonsense, so desperate for that Sweet Cis Validation?

Also, what's his type? His ulterior motive? What did he search to find my selfie in the first place? Very shady.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Finn.
edit for nudge reasons. is this any better?