TransWhatevers of AVEN

[ChillaKilla]

@Starbogen I’m a teen NB- literally and figuratively  

[Lirpaderp]

The past four days I haven't eaten. I was just studying. And the food commons areas are only open certain hours, so that makes it inconvenient. I spent all my time studying, in classes, and trying to forget my problems. I wish I could ignore these boobs and hips and feminine face. I wish I had never questioned anything. I spend as much time as possible with the friends that call me he, and avoid the places where I'm called she. Being called he makes me so happy. But in a week I go home. Everyone there knows me as a she. I want to see my family, but I don't want to go. It's only for a week. But I'm still really anxious. But food doesn't sit well when I'm anxious and I'm going to have to eat eventually. I'm tired and rambling at this point

[Emery.]

I don't know where I fit on this scale. Hormones, surgerires and legal things aren't on my schedule. It's been 2 years since I freaked out that I am a man. I think I'm close to my target, I'm still in the process of name change and coming out in public, I've been to the gender therapist, and my gender experssion lacks very very little to what I want it to be. Hm, lol. I want computer games like all the other guys. And I'll probably get men's clothes down to PJs because tartan is cool  I'm probably not too sexy in that but I'm enjoying myself. However, I do find that some guys look at me as if they were interested in me, despite my silhouette looking quite androgynous atm...

 

Well, anyway, I feel like changing my name now. I didn't think I'd do it, but I want people to think I'm a dude when they talk about me. At least strangers. This will skew the odds to my benefit.

[Lirpaderp]

I think I just need sleep and a hug. Something's not right with me. My stomach hurts, but I'm not hungry, but I should be hungry. That's just my anxiety being a dick as usual. I'm scared for all of next week. Home and midterms and projects and me avoiding things because everyone calls me a girl. I had so many chances to tell people but I didn't and I feel ashamed. I need a break from all of this. I need to either be out or not. Telling a few people feels great when I'm with them, but as soon as I'm not around them, it goes back to normal.

[Emery.]

@Lirpaderp what you are describing about your stomach sounds like my peptic ucler disease. You could go to a doctor with this and get pills for that. Moreover, it likes to activate, oddly, for everyone, in the autumn. So yeah, it very well might be and it's worth checking. Also, I managed to mess my sleep and eating with depression and anxiety, and it gets a lot worse if you do mess those two things. What helped me was sticking to a routine. No matter if I'm hungry or not, eating at the same time every day, a couple of meals. Even as little as a small sandwich or a couple of rice cakes with some jam or peanut butter. And going to bed and switching the light off, lieing without any stimulation, even if you don't fall asleep. It gives at least rest for your mind and body. Even if you can't fall asleep. And it helps. Also, uclers get worse from fatty food and sour food. And they cater the fatty food in dining halls and fast foods like Mac, Subway or whatnot. And uclers also get worse with anxiety. Also, I find it very good to get the excess tension out with excersice. Even a walk. And talking about it, obviously.

 

5 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Telling a few people feels great when I'm with them, but as soon as I'm not around them, it goes back to normal.

True. Same here. 

 

I also have this problem with coming out to more people. The moment is always bad. I'm a bit clueless what to do. I count on luck that I can gradually come out to more and more people and get them call me my masculine name and then go by it with the next people that I get to know. Sometimes... time is needed and things have to happen naturally. I can't remember for how long you've been out, but with time, you start to behave in a way that is more coherent with... yourself and you're less and less afraid, and the problem of not being seen as yourself ceases to exist.

[Enne Kristin]

I regularly get what I call "genderhickups" again... those are causing severe dysphoria, genderswitches may happen in means of minutes and seconds and altering like in a frenzy. Ihad this before during my teens and tweens, thought it had gone. it is back in my 40th and it is sooo painful. My spouse is very upset but also very solicitous. they get mad though because I am really really hard to bear, I am angry, start crying, giggling, all within of minutes. It drives us all weird ...

[Enne Kristin]

I will pick a neutral genderentry as soon as our government passes the bill which allows this. I have been thinking about what to wear on "the day" and I am going to wear a black suit, lilac shirt and a bowtie. Concerning my shoes I am still uncertain. I have seen most beautyfull maryjanes, but they are heeled (about 5cm) and I have a crease foot. I have 2 pairs of flat maryjanes, one more businesslike, one casual. regarding shoes I wanted something heeled as the feminine part of my outfit on that day.

 

I fear I could break my leg though, but I want to present androgynous on this special occasion... I have not worn any heeled shoes since the late 90th and those flat shoes might just be invisible, and I want something visible.

 

any thoughts?

[Zsareph]

14 hours ago, Dan99 said:

I thought of making an account for second life sometime because an article got me ore interested in it, but I'm afraid of feeling like I'm lying to people even though they wouldn't know that I'm a girl irl. i know that just because someone's a male or female avatar doesn't mean they're that in real life, so i don't know what I'm worried about. I do't have to be specific even, i could have a non gendered username and switch between male and female avatars.

 

sorry, i wrote that really weird. I do't know why I'm nervous over something as stupid as an avatar in an online thing.

I actually made an account a while back, specifically to try out a male name and avatar, but I get really anxious talking to people online (this is the only place I feel comfortable doing so) so I was just too scared to talk to anyone in case they "found out"

[Enne Kristin]

6 minutes ago, Emanresu Yllisa said:

(this is the only place I feel comfortable doing so)

I am really happy to read this

 

I am very anxious too and very bothered about coming out. My friends whom I am out to are supportative, but I have this odd feeling in my tummy

[Gentle Giant]

@Lirpaderp please don’t skip eating. It will only make things worse not having any energy and getting sick.

[butterflydreams]

14 minutes ago, Gentle Giant said:

@Lirpaderp please don’t skip eating. It will only make things worse not having any energy and getting sick.

I strongly agree. I know how hard it is, and how easy it is to skip, but I promise, you'll feel better when you do. Even if it's just a small snack. *hugs* @Lirpaderp

[Emery.]

^^ I second this. Or third. Not eating regularily, even small things, has awful consequences. 

[Lirpaderp]

Just now, Emery. said:

^^ I second this. Or third. Not eating regularily, even small things, has awful consequences. 

But at the times they're open that fit with my schedule, the only options for me are really greasy foods and those don't sit well with me

[Finn.]

When I was studying for my exams I was terribly depressed and eating was not something I had the capacity to do. But it's something you Have to do. So I set my alarm for regular snack breaks, things like egg on bread, buttered toast, a banana, or some cheese and orange juice. Every 4 hours at least. Studying burns a ton of energy, so you need to restock on that. And regular breaks (I usually took 15 minute breaks) are also important to actually *save* what you learned.

[Emery.]

6 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

But at the times they're open that fit with my schedule, the only options for me are really greasy foods and those don't sit well with me

Then go to the grocery store and buy food. Can you cook in the college? Even if you can't cook, as a skill, not as not having a kitchen, because that would make things much more difficult - they sell half-products in the grocery stores, or you can always cook some rice and add something to it. Or make sanwdiches. Or porridge (I guess that is an English regional thing to eat porridge). Corn flakes, cereals. Milk. Fruit. Youghurts. 

 

I like nuts and raisans a lot too, as a snack. And if you learn, you deserve chocolate, because like Finn said, it burns down a lot of energy.

[butterflydreams]

4 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

But at the times they're open that fit with my schedule, the only options for me are really greasy foods and those don't sit well with me

Those little peanut butter snack crackers are great for this kind of thing. As is beef jerky if you're into that. A quick boost of good protein is so helpful.

 

I finally spent some time today looking up 1) what's involved in an orchiectomy, and 2) results of GCS. 

Spoiler

Holy shit am I scared. Even an orchiectomy, which is go in, local anesthetic, watch two episodes of Family Guy and boom, you're outta there. Take it easy for a few days. 

 

And then GCS, ok, so actual results don't look too train wreck like. Actually, they look pretty good. But omg is it scary.

 

I dunno, I'm pretty down right now. I don't feel brave or tough enough for either thing, and an orchiectomy would really go a long way to helping me out. I think the biggest thing is that I wish I didn't live alone. When I had a minor complication with an even more minor surgery this summer...if my neighbor weren't home, I would've gotten blood all over my shirt and the car.

 

I want to feel whole, but this all really scared me.

 

[Toothlesss]

I really wonder if being exposed to soo much toxic masculinity as a kid (with how my "father" treated me when I was cranky etc) really had some effect on how I view femininity.  I mean, I can't change the past, but I really feel the emotional abuse I went through- really made me feel ashamed to be seen as anything too feminine and why words like "ladies" and "Ma'am" are soo triggering for my dysphoria on bad days.  

 

There's the gala for the farm coming up next weekend and I'm going to be wearing that dress I wore for the wedding a few months ago- but the difference is, I feel the people from the farm know me better than my relatives anyway and instead of feeling like feminine honoraries are coming from a place of bad judgement, I see them as coming from a place of love? It's a bit strange but it's better than always feeling like I have to be on guard when I have dysphoric days. 

Oh and I asked today if I could go to the farm on my bad days even if no one else is there, and my friend who's in charge of the whole place said I could.  Seriously, just hanging out with the horses does wonders for my emotional health. 

 

I did 4+ hours of farm work today along with hanging out with the horses.   

 

 

Edited to Add: my family and I went to Myrtle Beach and Charleston  last weekend (you know- time change weekend in the US) and yeah.. depression creeped back in and my "dad" turned a bad weekend into a horrible one because he has major unresolved anger issues. *sigh*  Yeah.. yelling makes things 10 times worse and no one taught you how to leave someone who's having a bad week/day ALONE if you have nothing positive to say..so Yeah.. I'm ashamed I have such a bully of a "father". 

Edited November 11, 2017 by Toothlesss
extra info..ish

[Starbogen]

16 minutes ago, Toothlesss said:

I really wonder if being exposed to soo much toxic masculinity as a kid (with how my "father" treated me when I was cranky etc) really had some effect on how I view femininity.  I mean, I can't change the past, but I really feel the emotional abuse I went through- really made me feel ashamed to be seen as anything too feminine and why words like "ladies" and "Ma'am" are soo triggering for my dysphoria on bad days.  

Well there's trauma due to toxic masculinity and then there's just plain dysphoria due to being trans you know?

I feel like I was also raised in a very "machista" culture with a very sometimes subtly sexist dad and I always hated the thought of being seen as a "feminine girl". But with time I realized I feel so much more attached to and comfortable with femininity when I'm expressing it as a man. So clearly this means my problem wasn't with femininity itself but just with being seen as female. 

[Starbogen]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

 

I finally spent some time today looking up 1) what's involved in an orchiectomy, and 2) results of GCS.

Good luck with whatever you go with.. It does seem super scary.

 

I think I will most likely wany bottom surgery in the future. When I think about it just seems so wrong to go my entire life being uncomfortable with such a central part of my body and never doing anything about it. So I think I want it, but it does seem super scary. I would be so paranoid and nonfunctional during the recovery. 

 

And the results.. well, trans women have it better there for sure. But I honestly wouldn't mind having abnormal lower parts so long as they were most definitely no longer female ones. As long as there wasn't a trace of that left, those results sound good to me. 

[Emery.]

Dysphoria day. Brain. Please be specific what I'm supposed to do! Otherwise I can't satisfy you.

 

or... maybe it was the film that had people being gay and crossdressing in it... There was a drag queen. And to be honest I envy that they got to express their femininity somehow. I can't do the same. I get so jealous all the freaking time. I see people like that in the city sometimes. I mean trans either way. There was a cis woman crossdressing in this film too. But she was crossdressing for a purpose, for a gain, not for herself. Hence she's cis. And she was straight. And there were like three homo couples. Two male and one female. 

 

I met with a friend. Maybe I want to talk about being trans all the time, who knows? We didn't say a word on that or anything related, or relationships. Or maybe I want to have a girlfriend. Because how on earth can I be a man in a relationship with another man? A straight man, especially? 

[Starbogen]

4 minutes ago, Emery. said:

And to be honest I envy that they got to express their femininity somehow. I can't do the same.

Why not?

[Toothlesss]

42 minutes ago, Starbogen said:

Well there's trauma due to toxic masculinity and then there's just plain dysphoria due to being trans you know?

I feel like I was also raised in a very "machista" culture with a very sometimes subtly sexist dad and I always hated the thought of being seen as a "feminine girl". But with time I realized I feel so much more attached to and comfortable with femininity when I'm expressing it as a man. So clearly this means my problem wasn't with femininity itself but just with being seen as female. 

True. I guess I have an unpleasant mixture of both. Being yelled at for stupid things really could've had some role (it's not the number 1 cause) in how I eventually figured out I was agender/non-binary. Part of it was shame for being seen as a weak female person. 

 

Part of the toxic ideas my pretty absent "dad" tried to instill in me is the toxic idea that "being tough" and "growing up" are things to aspire to.. it's disgusting. Sort of happy the general culture is beginning to look down on these traits as things that cause abuse and hurt others long term. It's taken small steps and in general a younger crowd is slowly chipping away the hyper-masculine culture that bred it in the first place.

 

There's nothing wrong with being tough when you have to (i.e horse not following your orders when your riding them _{(tho.. tbh they prob have a reason- I'm biased because all the horses I know are protective of their riders)}, but being unnecessarily tough when it makes a situation worse than it already is? There's definitely something wrong when it's that bad.

[Emery.]

7 hours ago, Starbogen said:

Why not?

Because I have no idea how. I'm speaking of an analogical situation, but AGAB being different: I would want to express masculinity. To be clear. It's like... nobody notices and nobody wants to hear that I'm trans. I'm not willing to cut the remains of my hair off, because it wouldn't feel like myself. So nobody notices. Besides, there are no things that are clearly masculine these days. The drag queen could get their nails done, do makeup, wear a great dress, heels. There is no mirror reflection for transmasculine folk.

[Starbogen]

8 hours ago, Emery. said:

Because I have no idea how. I'm speaking of an analogical situation, but AGAB being different: I would want to express masculinity. To be clear. It's like... nobody notices and nobody wants to hear that I'm trans. I'm not willing to cut the remains of my hair off, because it wouldn't feel like myself. So nobody notices. Besides, there are no things that are clearly masculine these days. The drag queen could get their nails done, do makeup, wear a great dress, heels. There is no mirror reflection for transmasculine folk.

Ahh okay I get that...

Yeah I guess the most direct thing you could do is get a typically masculine haircut, so it does seem harder if that's not something you want... Other than that and wearing men's clothes it's mostly about staying away from certain feminine things and maybe taking up some masculine interests. 

 

But honestly I think it's more important to just be you. Even if no one notices your masculinity, so what? You still get to show it however you want and do whatever you want. And if it's more a matter of gender than of masculinity, then there's the option of coming out to people so they could at least acknowledge that.

 

I get that masculinity is often less recognized in afab people nowadays because most of everything that represents it is seen as neutral in society, but what exactly is it that you would like to express that you feel like you can't? You don't want shorter hair but what about clothes and shoes, a watch, a wallet, jewelry, your overall style, the way you decorate things, the way you talk, the way you sit.. I don't know, there are a lot of little details that make a person seem more or less masculine.

[Emery.]

1 hour ago, Starbogen said:

and maybe taking up some masculine interests. 

I'm trying. I suppose. I usually enjoy those. Hey, hm, what interests would you consider masculine? Like, technology and sport? Politics? 

 

1 hour ago, Starbogen said:

You don't want shorter hair but what about clothes and shoes, a watch, a wallet, jewelry, your overall style, the way you decorate things, the way you talk, the way you sit.. I don't know, there are a lot of little details that make a person seem more or less masculine.

I do. I'm trying. But it doesn't seem to have an effect. Or something. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. Or I need more time. 

 

Back on this very same topic as always, I don't know how to do it, or rather, I'm blocked. When it comes to behaviour. At least, lately I am blocked. I think that what adds another level of difficulty is that formal clothes can be clearly masculine or feminine, but casual not. I'm also not the person to shine with their physical appearance, but I have some sensitivity and it always turns out that I look pretty. Even if I dress in a baggy sweater and men's jeans, and a leather jacket, like yesterday. I was going out. My mom saw me and was stunned. Shoes - I obviosly don't wear flats, lol. Trainers or men's shoes or trekking boots. Stuff like that. I don't think my wallet has gender at all. It's a normal black wallet. No purse obviously, a backpack. Watch, hm, maybe Incould invest in one. I mean, I have one that's just fairly simple and black. Maybe I could get one of those big shiny men's watches. 

 

I understand all these things, but it doesn't make me feel less hollow on the inside. But I don't know. Maybe being alive feels like this quite often. Or being human as opposed to an animal. My dog doesn't seem to feel this way. Maybe it is the reason and intellectual grasp on things that creates this feeling. Maybe this is my existential feelings. Maybe it's the weather. It's at least gloomy.

 

TW death of a relative

Or maybe I'm still feeling this way after my grandma died last month. I didn't expect how it felt. Grandma was very ill for a long time, she couldn't even talk the whole last year, so I already felt as if she was dead. So I didn't expect to hurt when she nominally passes away.

 

I'm not always able to make sense of what I feel. 

 

But at least I feel... centred. Last month my head had a strange vibration to it, it was dispersing, my thoughts were running in all directions and my mind seemed split into pieces. This is what can happen as a result of pushing yourself too far, so be aware of nervous breakdowns. 

 

Anyway, I feel a bit helpless. Maybe I need to talk, but I don't even know how. I don't know what my anxieties are about. Or what it is that hurts in me. 

 

I had a dream that my mom told me to stop nagging to not call me a woman. Do you always have to? She said it with such... in such a sour way. I mean, this is just a dream... My mom isn't like that. Maybe it has a connection to my latest experiences with a classmate who was like... I don't care how you feel (as in, what gender you feel like). Does it even make sense to come back to him and tell him how I feel about it? If I'm hurting? Probably, I'm going to be met with a wall of his egocentrism. Him. Him. Him. Trans people make Him the Lord of Everything uncomfortable. And what about us, huh? How are we supposed to feel? Why do people fail to understand? Why don't they want to understand? I was just protesting his pointless transphobia. This whole thing is nerve-wrecking. I don't know. I'm not even making sense. 

[Emery.]

5 hours ago, Starbogen said:

then there's the option of coming out to people so they could at least acknowledge that.

This is what I've been struggling with too. I can't wrap my head around it, and I don't seem to get this acknowledgement. I mean, everyone except for folks in the college and extended family knows. So my parents know and my friends know. Maybe this is just not enough for me, somehow. Maybe I need to process that? Parents were alright, some friends really acknowledged, some were like : why the heck are you telling me this, or what does it mean then, or is there something I'm supposed to do, and - sweep this under the carpet. This is the full spectrum of possible responses. Except for the transphobic one ("pervert!", "nuts!", "what about God?"), but I think I just don't befriend people who are prone to be anything-phobic. I plain and simple don't like them and their IQ and overall behaviour/personality leaves a lot to be desired. My gender therapist said that maybe they just have no idea how to respond to such a confession and this rings true to me. 

 

5 hours ago, Starbogen said:

but what exactly is it that you would like to express that you feel like you can't?

If I only knew! 

 

P. S. Not a trans thing, but I feel like I'm cleaning up the mess in my life, closing certain charpters. It happens verh naturally. I meet with people, I talk with them, and extract the valuable freindships from different environments I've been in, cutting the rest of people off, deciding what to do about certain people, and on what terms to be friends with them. It gives me peace in my mind and soul. I'm deciding what goes where. Some decisions are difficult, but this is what I need. 

 

P.S. 2. I know I'm ranting like hell. I know. I think the issue in my case is two-fold. Gender expression on one hand, and identity and coming out on the other.

 

With the expression I think I'm drifting towards being hypermasculine and a bit feminine. Well, it's only logical, this is exactly how I feel on the inside. I mean, most men aren't like me, they just like to have sex with women and play computer games, they don't... train martial arts or listen to heavy metal. Their energy is a bit weaker, so to say.

[butterflydreams]

Looking at some old photos. It seems crazy to me that my chest was ever that flat. 

[Starbogen]

@Emery. Well I don't know what to say... but if you don't want to go for the typically masculine forms of expression then having come out and asked to be called a different name/pronouns should help some. As for masculine interests.. it's more how you apply interests tbh. For example, wood work is often seen as a masculine thing but someone could use that hobby/skill to make cute figurines or jewelry or something seen as more typically feminine. So you could do the reverse and take whatever hobbies and interests you already have and explore the more stereotypically masculine sides and applications of them.

 

 

I was just thinking... from the time when I seriously, actively started to question my gender, to the time I officially came out as trans guy and started using my name at school (I see this as the moment when I decided to just go for it and finally accept myself as a trans guy despite lingering doubts) it was really only like 10 months. Considering some people spend years in that process.. the fact I only spent less than a year before starting to do things and calling myself a trans man makes me feel kind of bad... I wasn't at all sure what I was doing and I worry maybe I rushed it.

 

[AwkwardAxolotl]

12 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Looking at some old photos. It seems crazy to me that my chest was ever that flat. 

Similarly, when I look at old pictures of myself, it seems impossible that my chest was ever so lumpy.

[butterflydreams]

7 minutes ago, Starbogen said:

Considering some people spend years in that process.. the fact I only spent less than a year before starting to do things and calling myself a trans man makes me feel kind of bad... I wasn't at all sure what I was doing and I worry maybe I rushed it.

Don’t feel bad. There was probably years of understanding being built up before those 10 months. I know that’s how it was for me. I spent about the same amount of time, maybe even less, but it’s because when something is right, you just know. And I think it’s great that people will be able to figure themselves out faster because there’s such better awareness now. It’s a good thing.