TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Emery.]

Hey. I thought I'd ask here. I keep on pondering about my hair. Hair seems to be one of the biggest gender markers. I'd still rather look more like a guy. When it comes to short hair, though, I have a couple of doubts. 

 

The first doubt. The typical male haircut is really short. Inches. Trimmed close to the skin. Firstly, I don't think it's a too lucky idea for me, for my face, for my uneven skull shape. Shaved sides - I don't see it work for me. Spiky hair - not my style and not lucky for my face. Secondly, if the idea turns out to mess up how I look, I will have to grow my hair out for a year or two. (I gave up on haircuts longer than shoulder length, too impractical and I feel too feminine in them) . 

 

The second doubt. I could not get read as masculine, just some sort of: political activist, ecological activist, religious to the point of giving up earthly pleasures, or that a short haircut will make me look like an elderly lady  My grandmas always had this short womanly haircut, you know. 

 

But. Maybe I could omit those problems if I get a longer short haircut? With a fringe and stuff? Do you have any recommendations? I hope I got through wat I mean. Short but not trimmed. 

[Ash_fi]

 

2 minutes ago, Emery. said:

--

But. Maybe I could omit those problems if I get a longer short haircut? With a fringe and stuff? Do you have any recommendations? I hope I got through wat I mean. Short but not trimmed. 

Hi, I don't usually hang out on this thread but your post got my attention on "recent activity". Thought I'd share my "method". Longer short has been my preferred style for years. I just use a razor and scrape of the ends, measure by my fingers and keep working them. My hair is not curly nor thick and coarse, so it is naturally flowing when done like this. I guess it's like boy's "emo" haircut, longer on the front and short from the back of the neck. It's just wash-and-go and I love the unisex feel of it. Then if you want more masculinity you could shape some parts of the hair like sideburns towards your face?

[Emery.]

Thanks. So emo male haircuts. 

Meh, everything is more masculine than long hair or a bob. 

[Was here]

5 hours ago, arekathevampyre said:

as most of you know , I identify as agender* , though born female , I dress "pretty masculine" (jeans and t shirts are my thing) and I have short hair and I have dysphoria when it comes to period , boobs and body size (I want a ruler body shape so bad , with a flat chest and no periods) . I don't care about pronouns but sometimes feel a little irked when people think I am transgendered (ftm) and I wonder why . I mean , I am NOT trans so by right I shouldn't feel offended or anything . It's weird . Can anyone tell me why ?

 

*agenderism can either refer to :

- a non-binary gender identity (genderless)

- a statement of not having a gender identity (lack of gender)

 

I describe myself as lacking gender .

 

 

 

 

most likely because you're not trans, so when someone thinks you're trans, you're annoyed that they're calling you something you're not.

[arekathevampyre]

33 minutes ago, Danny99 said:

most likely because you're not trans, so when someone thinks you're trans, you're annoyed that they're calling you something you're not.

hmm yeah sounds like it lol ☺

[swirl_of_blue]

I had an interesting conversation about gender with my mother. I know that she's "trans friendly" as she supported my cousin when he was transitioning, but she is still a firm believer in binary, it seems. This time our discussion was because for the first time in Finland (or at least for the first known time) a person who is legally a man is pregnant, and this has caused some trouble mainly because he has a man's social security ID and the information system that handles the data for a person's public healthcare doesn't support the combination of a male ID and maternity care. The reason why this problem hasn't come forward earlier is that Finland's "trans law" requires (permanent) infertility from those who legally change their gender. However, there is a loophole where sustained hormone therapy is considered enough...and the man who is now pregnant took a break in taking his hormones.

 

My mother doesn't understand why someone would do this: "how can he even become pregnant since he is a man now?". She assumes that EVERY trans person immediately goes through every single operation possible to make them as strongly their "new" gender as possible. She doesn't understand at all that some might want to keep the genitals and other body parts they were born with, and still identify as another gender (and get their ID changed). She still believes that genitals are what matters, and that it is the modifying of a trans person's genitals that is the main point of the whole process. There is also the problem of Finnish language only having one word that is used for both (biological) sex and gender, so even discussing this is difficult! I tried talking to her about gender identities, and she doesn't even know what that means. When I asked about how she identifies as a woman she just started to talk about how she hasn't never cared about pretty dresses and makeup, but has no problem being a woman. It's like she cannot even imagine that there could be people "halfway" between man and woman, people who feel completely outside the binary and genderfluid people. It's like she at the same time believes genitals are what makes the person, but also that your style of dress etc is what makes your gender (even though she herself doesn't style and dress herself very feminine yet seemingly identifies as female).

 

Me being non-binary seems to be completely incomprehensible to her. She seems to think I'm like her: a woman who just doesn't dress feminine. And whenever for some reason gender comes up in our discussion I just feel like there's a divide between our ways of thinking that is so wide that we can never really understand each other. And if I tried to reinforce my identity as non-binary with style, dress or whatever I know that she would just see me as a woman who dresses more neutrally. To her non-binaries don't exist.

[999papercranes]

My mom told my dad last night...

I don't know exactly what went down but apparently he just said, "Oh great, now she's going to push me away." He thinks I'm going to be like my twin brother or something, who hates everybody and hates the world. I want to let him know that I'm still here and our relationship won't change... I'm just his son, not his daughter.

I'm going to be away for two days and I won't see him until then, so maybe it'll be good to give him some time to digest. I just hope he doesn't hate me  

My mom kept on going on to me, "I kept telling him, nothing's changed, she'll always be Lauren, our daughter."

No, mom. You're wrong. "HE will now be PARKER, but he is still the same BOY he always was." 

I haven't told her I want to change my pronouns or my legal name yet, but wouldn't you think she'd figure it out? I don't know. She kept calling Caitlyn Jenner "Bruce" and "he" and everything yesterday. She's not transphobic, she just doesn't get what it feels like to be misgendered. I think she just thinks I "want" to be a boy, so it shouldn't bother me. But I am a boy... 

[Finn.]

On 16.10.2017 at 10:38 AM, Emery. said:

But. Maybe I could omit those problems if I get a longer short haircut? With a fringe and stuff? Do you have any recommendations? I hope I got through wat I mean. Short but not trimmed. 

mmh so these are two things i tried in the past vs. my freshly trimmed haircut. I don't really know where you draw the line with *longer short*. I came to find out most people seem to call hair short way before I'd do. so here you go, limited time offer only

 

Spoiler

(deleted)

 

 

I have to say, I only noticed that most men don't have the short hair with associate with them (stereotypically) after I got mine this short. It was exciting  when I noticed I have the shortest hair in crowds sometimes =) But yeah, in order to appear more masculine, a buzzcut is definitely not necessary. Especially since longer hair has been quite modern the last couple of years.

 

Maybe you'd like something like this? I think it's really pretty. But ofc it also depends on the texture of your hair when it's short. Mine turned mostly straight even though it's actually wavy at other lengths. And at this length it'd be difficult to handle

[Emery.]

This haircut is really cool, Finn! 

 

Thank you for your post. And photos.

 

i think most men have the haircut that is buzzed on sides and spiky / longer at the top now. (Like your shortest)

Some guys have a haircut like the one you posted too. But that's rarer. 

I had / have frequently a haircut like the longest one you posted of your own photos. That one or shoulder length , yup, guys have that hairstyle sometimes too. But that's rare too. 

Girls mostly have the long hair. Some have sholder length hair or a bob. And I bet there are several trans FAAB people in my college, just in the art courses (?) . They have short hair. Something like the haircut I'm into. 

 

So... do you think something like a shorter bob would do the job? Or would it still be too feminine? I love bobs  I have a feeling like they are girly. The one in the photograph would definitely look less girly. Right?

[Finn.]

Google knows a lot of great looking long-haired men! https://www.google.de/search?q=men+long+hair&safe=off&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwih-bKWzvjWAhXB6RQKHQBhBp4Q_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=662

 

I think one of the differences would be that many men don't have a clear parting, and it's just generally more messy looking. I had a classmate who later had hair down to his waist.

 

I think the bob lenght and haircut is really rare for men, at least currently. (Not when I think back to 9th grade haha). But that doesn't mean you can't make it work =) maybe style it to look a bit messy? Is your hair straight?

 

But yeah, I think the length in the photo I posted would be the shortest you could go without it getting trimmed. (but i do loooove the feeling of short hair on the back of my head, it's really stimmy).

 

How about glasses? I think they can hugely transform how you look! And eyebrows too.

[swirl_of_blue]

3 minutes ago, Finn. said:

I think one of the differences would be that many men don't have a clear parting, and it's just generally more messy looking.

That is what I constantly try to do, and fail catastrophically. My hair is super sleek and shiny to the point that professional hairdressers have trouble with it, and whatever I do it ends up with a parting right in the middle, which I'm really starting to hate. I don't understand how some people manage to get all of their hair to go straight towards their back without any parting at all! The best I can do is have the parting a bit to either right or left side, and managing even that takes some time in front of the mirror. Unless my hair is wet or really dirty, then there's some chance of styling it more like I wish, which would ideally be no parting and a messy high bun. It's really hard to make long hair less feminine, but I'm not willing to give up my beloved dark-honey-and-blue locks!

[Emery.]

7 hours ago, Finn. said:

I think the bob lenght and haircut is really rare for men, at least currently.

Yeah xD One of the most feminising haircuts, unless it's a shag.

Or oh... I can't paste it, because mobile, but I googled "bob haircuts men" and it gave decent looking men, really, with chin length hair. Handsome surfers and stuff  Actually I've seen guys with this haircut, more frequently than with loger hair than that. It gives a little chill look, I think, and fits stylish guys, this is why not so many guys have it. But it looks really cool!

 

men can have long hair, sure, but they have to be ready to be mistaken for women  (unless they are really manly otherwise) Or to be constantly asked if they are in a rock band  

But I personally think men look great with long hair and I don't know why it's not a thing. Maybe guys are too lazy to maintain it, like I am. Shoulder length and shorter is easy maintainance. Longer... not so much. 

 

7 hours ago, Finn. said:

think one of the differences would be that many men don't have a clear parting, and it's just generally more messy looking. I had a classmate who later had hair down to his waist.

Maybe they don't have a parting? I didn't ever pay attention, but I agree about the messiness. 

 

I saw a man with a bun yesterday. Oh yeah . Man buns rock. 

 

i experimented with the eyebrows alrrady, and I think I can do nothing more. I go for more androgynous eyebrows obviously. No achy brows! With my face, filling them in doesn't give too much. And I don't wear glasses. 

 

 

Thank you for the tips

 

7 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I don't understand how some people manage to get all of their hair to go straight towards their back without any parting at all!

I think it's lots of styling gel. 

If your hair styles better when dirty, you can make artificial dirt  and use a conditioner. 

 

[SkyWorld]

I kind of just want to ramble about what's been going on... 

 

 

So I finally took the opportunity to go to this clinic one of my fellow trans friends recommended to get started on HRT. Apparently I needed my mom's social security number since my health insurance is under her name. Now, my mom is kind of transphobic... I have came out to her but I never brought it back up because she thinks that I'm cis and just pretending and joining this "fad".  She actually got pretty upset when I had told her months back that I wanted to get started on T. I'm basically doing this behind her back and keeping it on the DL with her and I didn't tell her the full truth about what I needed it for, just that I needed it for a new doctor to see about my PCOS condition (which isn't conpletely wrong). Instead she referred me to a different doctor and... :/ Guess I'm going to have to pay out of pocket then.

Well, I recalled something from my health insurance's policy on transgender people and I don't meet all the requirements for it anyway. The path that I'm going is just signing an informed consent, however one of the requirements is for me to have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, by which I would first need to see a gender therapist... And I had called my insurance about a month or so ago about any gender therapists under them in my area and there are none. :'D So... I'll have to pay out of pocket anyway. Since I have an income, I can afford it though...

I plan on taking a different job though for several reasons that my current job doesn't have for part-timers. My plan is to get a new job that also has health insurance plans even for their part-timers. I'll just pay out of pocket until then though... Anyway, I think this is good for me so I can take yet another step towards my independence and have my own health insurance under my name.

I'm a little sad about paying the full out of pocket. It may not be as much, but it can add up... Especially since I'm trying to save up for a car as yet another step towards independence and not have my mom use my current car (that she bought in her name) as leverage against me... I think I'll be fine and hopefully the job I'm so desperately trying to have will hire me because I know that they help with their trans employees and their transition coveries. I really hope I get this job...

I know my mom might eventually notice the changes with me, but I actively try to avoid her. My plan is to do low dose anyway, so the effects are slower (and less expensive). I might even try to speak higher than what the T would do to my voice just to keep her from getting too suspicious... Hopefully I can be out of the house soon and I'm trying to get my degree ASAP. Even though my mom discourages me from doing too much too soon and that I shouldn't rush, that she's not going anywhere anytime soon... It kind of scares me because I think she wants to keep me around, despite how I'm trying to get out as soon as possible. Incoming TW:

(Ahh mobile is messing up so much, it's the spoiler below)

 

Just gotta keep pushing forward... I'm making good progress with my life and I'm always so incredibly happy with myself and happy with the thought of how much more happier I'll finally be in the future rather than feeling so hopeless...

 

It's seriously not good for my health... I can't be around her since it stresses me out and sometimes (or often) I would get very serious suicidal thoughts, so much so I'd strongly consider specific ways to do it... "strongly" and "consider" are probably an understatement...

 

[Emery.]

I'm sorry for your situation with your mom, Sky :/ 

I know how it is. I used to quarrel about every tiny detail with my mom not too long ago, because she kept on irritating me to bits with her invasiveness and having to comment on me all the time, obviously according to what she thinks and sees fit, not always in a healthy way *cough, cough* *recalls all the abusive statements and shouting at me when I clearly am a depressive basket case and in need of support*. We finally came to an understanding but it was really tough. Not everyone has this luck and moving out and cutting such family members off is a necessity for many, I thought for me it would be too. 

[Guest]

*Hugs* @SpoopyWorld  It's not easy to deal with transphobia and the desire to go on T, you're one strong guy for pushing trough regardless of the consequences

 

@Finn.  love the haircut!! so pretty  

 

On 16-10-2017 at 0:44 PM, Dan99 said:

most likely because you're not trans, so when someone thinks you're trans, you're annoyed that they're calling you something you're not.

Tbh: There is a difference between being dysphoric or annoyed when they call you something they're not. I can get irritated when they ma'am me or i can get very dysphoric if they call me ma'am. Also: Not cis = Trans so if you are agender, you're automatically under the trans umbrella because you're not cis.areka does indentify as Agender so that doesn't neccessarily invalidate their point of view on pronouns.

 

@arekathevampyre  no, it's not weird to feel irky about pronouns when people misinterpret you, that's totally okay so maybe you could casually correct them or something? Like: "Hey, you called me X, can you please refer to me as Z? I'd highly appriciate that!"

 

 

[Was here]

2 minutes ago, Jayce said:

*Hugs* @SpoopyWorld  It's not easy to deal with transphobia and the desire to go on T, you're one strong guy for pushing trough regardless of the consequences

 

@Finn.  love the haircut!! so pretty  

 

Tbh: There is a difference between being dysphoric or annoyed when they call you something they're not. I can get irritated when they ma'am me or i can get very dysphoric if they call me ma'am. Also: Not cis = Trans so if you are agender, you're automatically under the trans umbrella because you're not cis.areka does indentify as Agender so that doesn't neccessarily invalidate their point of view on pronouns.

 

@arekathevampyre  no, it's not weird to feel irky about pronouns when people misinterpret you, that's totally okay so maybe you could casually correct them or something? Like: "Hey, you called me X, can you please refer to me as Z? I'd highly appriciate that!"

 

 

oh, okay, sorry. ^^; I've seen a bunch of debates over whether non-binary people are transgender, or if transgender is an umbrella term that includes non-binary genders. i don't really have an opinion on it, though.

[arekathevampyre]

@Jayce thanks for the clarification and tips !!

[SkyWorld]

16 minutes ago, Dan99 said:

oh, okay, sorry. ^^; I've seen a bunch of debates over whether non-binary people are transgender, or if transgender is an umbrella term that includes non-binary genders. i don't really have an opinion on it, though.

Some people who are non-binary also identify as trans. Hi! XD 

 

There are some who are non-binary and don't identify as trans.

 

Trans itself is an umbrella term, though place a suffix and it gets more specific: transwoman, transman, transmasculine, transfeminine. Suffix isn't always needed though.

[arekathevampyre]

1 minute ago, SpoopyWorld said:

Some people who are non-binary also identify as trans. Hi! XD 

 

There are some who are non-binary and don't identify as trans.

 

Trans itself is an umbrella term, though place a suffix and it gets more specific: transwoman, transman, transmasculine, transfeminine. Suffix isn't always needed though.

good to know !!

[Finn.]

Re Hair Discussions..

 

Admittedly, the guy with the super long hair would never have been mistaken for a woman. He isn't/wasn't the typical masculine type, but he had a beard, and had a very special kind of.. style. Like, with black hats and long coats and idk, alternative looking. People definitely noticed him on the streets. But not a good person. I heard he had to get short hair for a job in insurance which is such a weird thought.

 

Maybe you could try non-prescription glasses? I honestly tried contact lenses and I didn't like how I looked without glasses at all. (Plus I couldn't handle it from a sensory point).

 

I think the parting issue is mostly about...re-training your hair. I usually had a parting a bit to the  left (similar to now honestly), but with my first couple of short hairstyles I had no parting. I was lucky that my hair was easy to train to lie differently, but it definitely took some time. And a lot of blow-drying =) I still primarily style my hair by blow-drying it a certain way. I have to wash i daily anyways (my hair is greasy quickly, a gift my father passed on to me), and my scalp/skin can't tolerate styling products.

[999papercranes]

I need to rant here about some things... Please don't feel obligated to read it. 

 

-My dad is acting really distant to me. He didn't hug me hello when I came home yesterday from Minnesota... I'm kind of sad about that, and a little paranoid he's going to push me away. I don't know.

-My mom says our insurance covers hormones, counseling AND surgery! Yay! But the nearest clinic is two hours away. I feel like such a burden already...

-I told my mom I'm considering a name change. I was nervous because I didn't want her to think I was disrespecting her name for me. She was cool with it and said she liked the name Parker

And yet...

I've never felt so... empty. 

I was thinking last night and I realized there's nothing in my future that I'm looking forward to. Nothing. I dread everything. It makes me sick and anxious to think about. 

Plus I keep freaking out and worrying about whether I'm really trans because now that I've come out to my dad this is like a tipping point. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm cis. Because being cis is easy, and being trans is so so hard and scary. I want this to be a phase. But what if it's not? How will I go on with all of this misery and worry and self-hatred? When will I stop beating myself up over everything? Why can't I just be happy? I'm such a privileged whiny brat. I should be happy. 

I'm exhausted. 

[Was here]

so stupid questions because of doubt, spoiler because a few are tmi and i specifically talk about bottom dysphoria, because when do i not:

Spoiler

cis girls never wish they had penises right?

 

cis girls never feel disgusted by their genitals right?

 

cis girls are never uncomfortable with the female parts of their body right?

 

bottom dysphoria doesn't require a medical diagnoses right?

 

do cis girls ever get bottom dysphoria (want penises and sperm/semen instead of what they already have)?

 

is that enough to be trans or am i just being a massive idiot?

 

am i a selfish asshole for just wishing i had different reproductive organs, when i could just ignore it?

 

is this just some stupid phase that all girls go through?

this is a controversial opinion, but i really do think of myself as "a girl who wants to be a boy (for whatever reason)". I don't feel like a guy, i feel i belong with girls, there's absolutely nothing male about me except i wish i had male genitals and sometimes a flat chest.
 

[Mezzo Forte]

21 hours ago, Emery. said:

men can have long hair, sure, but they have to be ready to be mistaken for women  (unless they are really manly otherwise) Or to be constantly asked if they are in a rock band  

When my hair was long, I wanted nothing more than for people to ask me if I was in a metal band. They never did. (I once had a random older woman walk up to me and ask if I was a classically-trained musician because of my hair though.)

 

Even with my short hair, I still wish people would ask me if I was in a metal band.  

[K.I.N.G]

8 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

I need to rant here about some things... Please don't feel obligated to read it. 

 

-My dad is acting really distant to me. He didn't hug me hello when I came home yesterday from Minnesota... I'm kind of sad about that, and a little paranoid he's going to push me away. I don't know.

-My mom says our insurance covers hormones, counseling AND surgery! Yay! But the nearest clinic is two hours away. I feel like such a burden already...

-I told my mom I'm considering a name change. I was nervous because I didn't want her to think I was disrespecting her name for me. She was cool with it and said she liked the name Parker

And yet...

I've never felt so... empty. 

I was thinking last night and I realized there's nothing in my future that I'm looking forward to. Nothing. I dread everything. It makes me sick and anxious to think about. 

Plus I keep freaking out and worrying about whether I'm really trans because now that I've come out to my dad this is like a tipping point. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm cis. Because being cis is easy, and being trans is so so hard and scary. I want this to be a phase. But what if it's not? How will I go on with all of this misery and worry and self-hatred? When will I stop beating myself up over everything? Why can't I just be happy? I'm such a privileged whiny brat. I should be happy. 

I'm exhausted. 

Great to hear your mum is being so sportive - it wasn't been that long since hes know so maybe just give it a bit to sink in and show him that you as a person hasn't, youre still who you always were but now youre able to show it outwardly to. Also maybe you try going and hugging him - perhaps he's also in need of some reassurance?

 

There a way you could get yourself to the clinic maybe? :/

 

I can see myself like this in the future - youve got everything lined up and now you need to start going through with them which is shit scary but remember  you dont have to do anything you dont want to, nor should you push yourself into doing something you're not ready for. I hope these feelings pass on soon for you - dont forget how youve felt in the past as these feelings are valid but i find can be forgotten too easily. 

 

It is difficult being trans but you come out stronger in the end and you have a perfectly valid reason to feel as you so - good luck and hope you find your way to happiness.

 

[999papercranes]

6 hours ago, I Am Mel said:

Great to hear your mum is being so sportive - it wasn't been that long since hes know so maybe just give it a bit to sink in and show him that you as a person hasn't, youre still who you always were but now youre able to show it outwardly to. Also maybe you try going and hugging him - perhaps he's also in need of some reassurance?

 

There a way you could get yourself to the clinic maybe? :/

 

I can see myself like this in the future - youve got everything lined up and now you need to start going through with them which is shit scary but remember  you dont have to do anything you dont want to, nor should you push yourself into doing something you're not ready for. I hope these feelings pass on soon for you - dont forget how youve felt in the past as these feelings are valid but i find can be forgotten too easily. 

 

It is difficult being trans but you come out stronger in the end and you have a perfectly valid reason to feel as you so - good luck and hope you find your way to happiness.

 

I think I'm going to try and talk to my dad this weekend. He gets home late so I haven't had many opportunities to talk to him, and I won't tonight because I have a meet. 

Unfortunately I'm still too young to drive myself and I think my mom would want to take me anyway. She says it doesn't matter about the money or the amount of driving it takes, as long as I'm comfortable and happy. She had her chemo in the same city, so she's used to driving down there. 

 

Thank you for your kind words  They mean a lot <3

[butterflydreams]

Swipe dating apps have such a fatal flaw (not Tinder, I don’t use Tinder anymore). People can easily just swipe left (to reject) or right (to like) without reading anything about you. So what ends up happening for me is I get plenty of likes. People looking at my photos and not being able to tell I’m trans. We match up, I send a message, they look further at my profile, see that I say I’m trans and unmatch me. What. The. Fuck?

 

I put it out there at a support group I go to now earlier in the week. A lot of people there (admittedly almost entirely trans men) seemed to discuss having partners. So I asked, what are the prospects? All I got was the usual.

 

“People will like you for who you are, in spite of you being trans, you’re so much more than that.” How can they when no one will even take 15 minutes to get to know me?

 

 And “it helps weed out people who wouldn’t be suitable anyway.” Mmm, so far it weeds out everyone.

 

And my favorite, “just keep being yourself. Work on yourself and develop hobbies and interesting things.” No, fuck anyone who tells me this. I could write a novel with all the shit I know and have learned over the years. I’ve been introspectively improving myself for the better part of the last decade. I can build electronics, play piano and compose music, bike ride, work on my car, make and design clothes, write, program a computer and so much more. At what point am I “interesting enough”?

 

I probably sound like a broken record on this but I’m so frustrated. I feel like I’m a failure as a human being. Most of my friends are married and starting families. Why not me? I’d like that too. Except I can’t make anything happen.

[Kimmie.]

Heck that was alot of things! @Hadley167 now i know who i should ask if i want to singel turbo convert a 2JZ.

 

I get the feeling that dating apps like that are very shallow or what to say, that is only about the looks and not person behind it.

 

*hugs*

[Finn.]

Not particularly trans-related but I finally came to a decision with my parents!

I will Not visit them for Christmas, but I will invite them to come to me. I am on vacation for two whole weeks, they can come whenever it fits best for them, they can sleep over at my apartment or get a hotel room or whatever for one night, or stay for only one day. The condition is that they call me Finn. If they either don't think it's worth their time or effort to visit me, or if they deadname me in my own space, then I will not invite them over for my birthday, and I won't call them as often if at all. So it's their decision and choice, and not my fault if they don't take me up on my offer. I should be worth the effort, if they actually want to see me more than 90 minutes a year. I may live 3 hours away, but it's also only 3 hours, not a plane ride or anything.

[Starbogen]

I'm going to visit my girlfriend in a couple of months and I'm kinda nervous about metting her family.. Apparently at least a couple of them are kinda racist, and her dad has also said some transphobic comments so yeah...

I can't hide I'm dark skinned but the trans part they don't know about and I don't plan on ever telling them. But I worry about passing when they'll be seeing me and hearing me for longer than just a few mins at most like the rest of my interactions with strangers are.. And even if they don't suspect anything at all, I look about 16 so I wonder what they'll think of that. 

[butterflydreams]

32 minutes ago, Finn. said:

Not particularly trans-related but I finally came to a decision with my parents!

I will Not visit them for Christmas, but I will invite them to come to me. I am on vacation for two whole weeks, they can come whenever it fits best for them, they can sleep over at my apartment or get a hotel room or whatever for one night, or stay for only one day. The condition is that they call me Finn. If they either don't think it's worth their time or effort to visit me, or if they deadname me in my own space, then I will not invite them over for my birthday, and I won't call them as often if at all. So it's their decision and choice, and not my fault if they don't take me up on my offer. I should be worth the effort, if they actually want to see me more than 90 minutes a year. I may live 3 hours away, but it's also only 3 hours, not a plane ride or anything.

Bravo for doing this. It's not easy. Good for you for drawing the line and setting your terms.