TransWhatevers of AVEN

[daveb]

I wonder what the breakdown is by age/generation? I suspect the percentages who say they would support their child are higher the younger the respondents are. Although there are older people who would support their child (my mother, for example, who is in her 80s, lives in the other corner of the country from the northeast, and didn't finish college (due to having children), although she has taught herself a LOT of stuff over the years).

[Starbogen]

On August 21, 2017 at 7:12 AM, Hadley167 said:

So, that random woman at the cafe I go to, she finally introduced herself to me and actually talked to me, and the way she phrased it, I loved. "So, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm coming from the same place as you." I responded, "there should be some kind of secret nod we do."

 

She asked me how long I'd been at it and I said two years. I suspect she's been going longer, just because of how well she passed. I think that could be my future. As everything all settles down over the next 3 years. She seemed older than me, probably in her late 30s, early 40s...knowing how transition can make you look younger. People tell me all the time that I don't look 29 at all. I passed for sub 22 when I've volunteered for youth LGBT spaces. 

 

Very cool. She was supremely respectful of clocking me delicately. And when the cafe was otherwise empty.

 

I'm coming from the same place as you. I like that so much.

When I first read this I thought it would go somewhere bad but I quickly realized my fears were wrong and it was actually great. Her phrasing does indeed sound really nice and it makes me wish I could also meet an older trans guy who could brighten my day a bit. 

 

On another note, I was just randomly thinking of the first professor I ever came out to a couple of semesters ago. Let's call him Dr. S.. And he was so great, I might have mentioned him here before but his reaction really made me feel so safe and hopeful and happy. I just told him I was trans at the end of a class because I wanted to ask if I could start handing in my papers with another name and not only was he completely fine with it but he said I should have told him sooner, and he told me to scratch my birthname off the paper I was handing in that day and write my new name over it. 

 

There's like this little mental list I have of "worst trans moments" and "best trans moments" and that will always be high on the best moments list. What made it even better was that Dr. S really got it. He wasn't like some of those people who say stuff like "Oh sure I have no problem with you using another name" but then they get things like pronouns or gendered assumptions/expectations/terms consistently wrong and don't seem to get what "I'm transgender" actually means. 

 

The very next class after I came out to him Dr. S started calling me by my (chosen) name without fail, and he was one of those professor who uses people's names a lot so before that he had been fairly used to my birthname, and he never slipped on pronouns. And I find this even more impressive because everyone besides me in that class was a girl, so before I came out he had been using the collective female plural pronouns for us (in spanish) and he switched seamlessly to the neutral/male plural pronoun. I never came out to any classmates so they must have been kind of confused but no one said anything. He even changed the way my name was displayed when he sent mass emails to students so anyone who saw the list of name wouldn't see my birthname but my new name.

 

Anyway, Dr. S was freaking great. I've never had a better coming out reaction and I wish I could meet more people like him who just got it.  

[Emery.]

Maaan. I just quarreled in another forum. I wanted to vent, and I started getting shit for not being normative.

"Maybe you're non-binary"

"Don't come out you girl"

Jeez!

[Guest]

That moment when you're constantly in denial, trying to hide yourself while you try to please your enviroment...knowing it kinda feels like..your lying.......or am i lying??? Maybe i am. 

 

it sucks

[Kimmie.]

3 minutes ago, Jayce said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

That moment when you're constantly in denial, trying to hide yourself while you try to please your enviroment...knowing it kinda feels like..your lying.......or am i lying??? Maybe i am. 

 

 

it sucks

 

 

*hugs* just *Hugs* I am constantly in denial to. 

[daveb]

In case people aren't aware, there is an AVEN election going on and some we all know (and love) is running. Please consider voting (and giving them your vote/support, if you like).

[Emery.]

... *sigh of relief* good ending of the quarrel. I was worried I'd lose some friends...

[Lirpaderp]

I walk into a room and someone says "GIRLLLLL!!!!" directed at me... she's the only person I'm 'out' to in the room.... Out meaning she knows I'm not a girl. I don't know anything past that. Then she asked me what's wrong.... But I can't tell her because I'm not out to anyone else in the room... When's a good time to tell people? I don't know what I am other than not a girl, but I'm really tired of being singled out as the only 'girl' in the group.

[999papercranes]

My mom made a funny comparison the other day. She noted that I wanted to get shorter hair and top surgery to remove my breasts while she wants her hair to grow out and wants to get breast reconstruction  (She's finishing chemo next month)

[Emery.]

So... a mass coming out with names and pronouns in preparation. The plan being: friends who already know go first, and they know I'm struggling with dysphoria, so I'm going to ask them to use my chosen name and he pronouns, or to not use pronouns, and tell them that I want to come out of the closet. Then go friends who don't already know and receive the same information plus about me feeling like a guy and being bi. Then I'll see how I feel and maybe I'll do the same at the uni I'm going to now.

 

I thought that I'm going to die if I keep on postponing it. The right moment never comes and it might not be classy or perfect, but I'm coming out via text messages. It has the plus that I'm calmed down, and they have the time to process the news too without me facing the emotional reaction.

 

Oh my, excluding family, I have a couple of friend circles: from high school, from this another mathsy high school where I socialised, and from the last semester/year. I have also the friends in the UK with whom I'm not so much in contact any more. 

 

Edit 20 minutes later: yeah, so 3 close friends on fire. I sent it *bites his nails*

 

Edit after another 20 minutes: one positive response! Yay! 

[butterflydreams]

2 hours ago, Emery. said:

Edit after another 20 minutes: one positive response! Yay! 

There you go! Stay positive, Emery! You've worked really hard at this, and you deserve to have it go well. I'm rooting for you!

 

I'm wondering if people here might be able to weigh in on interpreting a situation. Matched with a guy online. Start chatting. Seems to be going pretty well. He asks if I want to meet up, and of course I do, but when it comes to that point, I always disclose. His response? He was always open to meeting new people of all sorts, but it most likely woudln't work out sexually. Wtf? Who said anything about sex? We haven't even hit step 1 and he's all on step 30. 

 

So me being the polite agreeable person I am, I say sure, we can just meet as friends/social connection. He tells me he's busy this coming weekend, but that he'll "be in touch". This is the second one of these I've gotten recently. I feel like it's just a new polite way of ghosting me. 

 

I feel stupid for continuing to try at this. 

[Emery.]

Hm. If I understand right, from my male point of view, sex is definitely an important thing and something I think about a lot. About my needs in this aspect, they are... important. It's not just me, I see many couples quarrel and even break up because of sex. So it's not... unusual. 

 

Don't feel stupid Hadley. If it makes you feel better, this situation is not so unusual imo, and I also... had such dates that ended on one date or someone said they'd keep in touch, and they disappeared... it happens. Really. It can be tough sometimes, sure, but you'll meet nobody without trying. Some trials have to be wrong, there's no way around it, you'd have to be extremely lucky to avoid it. You're doing great.

[Emery.]

Second positive. I'm waiting for this person who didn't know previously to reply. I think I'm going to message another friend. 

[ChillaKilla]

Funny story from this weekend:

So I go to Agnes Scott College, which is a private women's college in my state. It's pretty well-known. I know it might sound weird, me going to a women's school, but over the years it's become more of a "not cis men's college" as opposed to "women's college" because I'm definitely not the only AFAB trans person on campus, and I know for a fact there are a few transfeminine people too. Anyway, there's a tattoo and piercing parlor down the road which offers $5 piercings, flat rate, to ASC students. I know, sounds kinda sketchy right? But some of my classmates went, and the man who owned the shop told them that he did the discount because he's an ASC alum. Everyone thought he was joking at first until he said "Yeah, I stayed in Walters dormitory, second floor" and showed them his ring (all Agnes Scott students receive a black onyx ring during their sophomore year). Proof that the trans students of ASC are not a new phenomenon whatsoever  

[Emery.]

I know I'm spamming the whole thread atm, but... I'm so relieved! It feels so good that I'm changing my name to a masculine-neutral one. I feel like a boss, ha ha. When people will be talking about me, they can think I'm a dude. And it just feels right. Immensely. I was waiting to get a PhD to not be madamed, or some different proffessional title, really. Now I don't have to wait. It also feels so right that there will be something masculine with me no matter how I dress at the given moment. 

 

P. S. The friends like my name

[Enne Kristin]

Spoiler

I wished i could have both parts at once... feeling very androgyne today...

CW

[daveb]

57 minutes ago, Emery. said:

I know I'm spamming the whole thread atm

no worries

I'm enjoying seeing your good news.

 

5 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Who said anything about sex?

I guess it's because sex is always assumed sooner or later unless it's explicitly ruled out (one advantage of 2 aces getting together ). You disclosed to him; he disclosed back. That's how I would read that. As for the "I'll be in touch" part and all, I think you are probably right that it's a polite way of ghosting. A lot of people don't like to cause hurt feelings so they try to find ways to say no without actually saying no. I go back and forth on that - since I'm pretty oblivious I tend to prefer an outright no (or yes, if that was ever to happen). On the other hand, I'm not sure I would be good at saying no myself (if the situation ever arose).

[Kimmie.]

I am really happy for you @Emery. 

 

And cool story @ChillaKilla . Didn't know Schools like that still existed. But anyway that is really cool with a such diverse crowd.

[butterflydreams]

2 hours ago, daveb said:

I guess it's because sex is always assumed sooner or later unless it's explicitly ruled out (one advantage of 2 aces getting together ). You disclosed to him; he disclosed back. That's how I would read that. As for the "I'll be in touch" part and all, I think you are probably right that it's a polite way of ghosting. A lot of people don't like to cause hurt feelings so they try to find ways to say no without actually saying no. I go back and forth on that - since I'm pretty oblivious I tend to prefer an outright no (or yes, if that was ever to happen). On the other hand, I'm not sure I would be good at saying no myself (if the situation ever arose).

Ok, I can agree with that. Too bad there aren't more ace guys around. Not that they'd definitely like me, but maybe the sex thing would be less of an issue. It's not like I can't have sex though.

 

Had another guy today go off on me after I told him because I should have "disclosed in my profile". Oh, you mean the same profile that when I put it in there, nobody read it anyway? Yeah. No. Also, and I'm firm in this, disclosing in my profile means people who have no interest in me to begin with can know something very private about me. Something I don't disclose to anyone. Christ...it's not like it's an STD. As soon as there's a chance of meeting in person, I always say something. Am I wrong in this?

 

And another thing. You liked a cute girl, dude, you messaged her, you chatted. Your life must suck so much. /s Changing your mind when you find out says nothing about me, and everything about you. Don't you dare put it on me. I didn't do anything wrong. If it's so important to you, maybe ask everyone you chat with right off the bat.

 

Yes, I do believe I have an obligation to disclose, certainly before we get intimate in any way, including kissing or touching. Your reaction to that disclosure is all on you though. Do not place any further burden for YOUR feelings on me.

[Emery.]

Positive number three

 

Edit:

And forth one

 

oh my. Enough for one day.

I'm dead.

 

edit2: thank you Hadley and Dave

[Guest]

Hadley, that guy just doesn't deserve you at all, that's just beyond rude of him.

 

 

21 hours ago, N'y said:

  Hide contents

I wished i could have both parts at once... feeling very androgyne today...

CW

I agree a 200%!

 

 

Thought of the week: If they could only invent a shapeshifting potion i'd buy them in bulk, i'm tired of having to fight the weather in my head! 

 

 

[Starbogen]

Omg so we did it, we booked a ticket and I'm going halfway across the world to spend Christmas and New Year's with my girlfriend. This will be the second time we meet up in real life and I'm super excited about it but I'm also nervous because she's going to introduce me to basically her whole family and only her sister knows I'm trans.

Her sister is totally okay with it so that's fine, but it worries me that no one else knows and her dad and brother have been known to say some transphobic things, so I imagine her aunt, uncle, grandma, etc, might not be much better. The thing is, we're not planning to tell anyone I'm trans, because I simply don't want to, but I worry that I might not pass well enough to go stealth in a room full of people who are probably gonna be inspecting me a little if that makes sense. I'm worried someone will look at me too closely or listen to my voice too much and they'll notice something's weird about me. 

 

My girlfriend tried assuring me that cishet people just don't go there, that they wouldn't think that someone might be trans unless it was directly mentioned to them or someone really really didn't pass. But I'm still worried... It's especially frustrating when there's another guy around who's the same age as me or even younger, in this case her brother, and it's so obvious how much less masculine my features and voice are in comparison. That always makes me feel like it makes it super obvious to everyone around that there's something wrong about me.  

[Finn.]

I go by my name now at my hairdresser, officially! She was a bit confused by it, but I spelled it out (I do that every time now) and she typed it into the system. Yay!

[<No longer active>]

I've been wondering about my name again..... yay

 

I just found the name Reuben; it's Hebrew (important bc my original name was + I'm Christian), close to my original name, and it literally means 'behold, a son'. Like Holy sh*t that is an OPTION a good FRIGGEN OPTION

[butterflydreams]

On 8/29/2017 at 9:44 AM, Jayce said:

Hadley, that guy just doesn't deserve you at all, that's just beyond rude of him.

Part of me is getting really close to just going on a date and trying to stealth it. I'm just not sure I can yet though.

[Kimmie.]

TMI

Spoiler

The thoughts that i just want to go in to the kitchen and take the first best knife and just cut my penis of. Comes more and more often. But fortunately i know that consequences would not be worth it. And its scares me.

 

[butterflydreams]

@Kimmie., I know your TMI feeling too well. Sometimes I think the same thing when I'm frustrated. I think it might mean it's time for you to talk to someone and get some kind of transition ball rolling. I'm not immune to those thoughts myself, but HRT can still have a pretty profound effect on your thoughts. I certainly don't feel like that as much anymore. I know that eventually I'll be able to get surgery of some kind and thinking about how much better things will feel once that happens. I think about the trans women I know who've been through it, and I think that they're braver than me, but maybe I'm getting there. You will too, if you want to. 

 

*hugs* That's what dysphoria feels like. The worst feelings will pass. Hang in there, hun <3

[Kimmie.]

4 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

@Kimmie., I know your TMI feeling too well. Sometimes I think the same thing when I'm frustrated. I think it might mean it's time for you to talk to someone and get some kind of transition ball rolling. I'm not immune to those thoughts myself, but HRT can still have a pretty profound effect on your thoughts. I certainly don't feel like that as much anymore. I know that eventually I'll be able to get surgery of some kind and thinking about how much better things will feel once that happens. I think about the trans women I know who've been through it, and I think that they're braver than me, but maybe I'm getting there. You will too, if you want to. 

 

*hugs* That's what dysphoria feels like. The worst feelings will pass. Hang in there, hun <3

Thanks *hugs*

 

You are probably right.

[Toothlesss]

Just got my IUD put in. I was preparing for this to be more crampy than this so. Also my doctor said I can tolerate mirena (I have kyleeena). 

[<No longer active>]

not trans related bbut I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST SO I CAN NOW DO THINGS