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What Does a First Kiss Mean to You?


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#1 Angy

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 03:45 AM

In health class, I was constantly being told not to have sex. Not that I really needed to be told that! I'm all for knowledge and education, but I must admit that I really hated it because some parts were graphic beyond necessity. I hate sex, and the way my teacher taught us was really quite awful. You'd have to meet her.
"Wait until marriage to have sex." So does that mean you MUST have sex when you marry? I was then and am still now deeply confused. But never once did they say wait until marriage to kiss. "Kiss" is quite a vague term, so I should explain myself. Let me tell you my story.
I've open-mouth kissed with two boys, the first of which happened when I was 12 years old. Twelve! I deeply regret it. Why? Well, because back then, I didn't understand the significance. I didn't see it as a big deal; you see it all the time on TV and in movies. But now I feel like I corrupted myself, almost like giving up my virginity. Because I know that kissing is the most intimate physical action I'll share with any boyfriend. And by not saving it for someone special, I've done a bad thing to myself, and to him. Not even a potential husband - just somebody special enough to deserve it. I now feel like open-mouthed kissing is dirty, and I only like closed-mouth kissing on the lips.
I compare it to the concept of virginity. There's something "wrong" with kissing a boy who's never been kissed if I've already kissed someone else. Especially since I like innocent, cute boys. Right now my two crushes at school (who are brothers) are 1/2 and 2 years my junior, and they haven't had girlfriends before. Especially with the younger one, what would he think? What about their parents? I guess they wouldn't really think anything; they would expect it of somebody my age. But I still feel like I lost something when I first kissed a boy on the lips.
I think that a peck on the lips is okay, but French kissing is bad or makes me a whore. But my point is, do any other asexuals think there's something pure about not having had your first kiss? What about the difference between a polite kiss and a passionate kiss?

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#2 Pcktmouse

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 04:34 AM

I had a lot of the same feelings you are experiencing. I was raised in a Christian family that promoted abstinence, but beside that they also explained the complications of pregnancy, STD, etc. However, they never really put boundaries on kissing. So I grew up thinking that kissing was a progression towards sex and averted kissing altogether as a means to avert sex.

I am 21 and I just had my first kiss last year. The guy who kissed me turned out to be a jerk; long story short he was after my virginity. He tried to French kiss me but I immediatley shut him down because personally I just don't like the feeling of another persons tongue in my mouth. After I broke up with him I started feeling bad for so easily giving something up that I had held on to for so long, even if it was something as simple as a first kiss. I thought that withholding my first kiss would make me more pure, but after giving it away I know that I have not changed much. My morals and views on premarital sex have not changed and I have gained a bit of knowledge about judging boys and who I should kiss.

But onto your question: there is nothing wrong with kissing a boy who has never been kissed if you have kissed someone before. If there was something wrong then no one would ever be kissed. In this modern society unless the family is extremely conservative kissing is looked on as a form of affection and not so much as one of passion.

The execption, of course, is French kissing. While it is a passionate form of kiss it does NOT make you a whore, however, I personally believe that it should be reserved for special people that you have a stable relationship with.

Unfortunately, we don't know beforehand who is going to be 'special' and therefore it is hard to judge who we should kiss or not. The key is a balance of self-forgivness and restraint. Do not be afraid to kiss boys, but do not kiss everyone that you meet on the street. Also, be able to forgive yourself if you kiss someone who turns out to be less than ideal.

I just joined the board myself so I am not used to giving out advice, but I hope that my post helped you in some way.

#3 aesir

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 06:16 AM

I think something important that you may be missing here is that everything is relative. Kissing, like sex, is completely a matter of personal relevance. Take two opposite ends of the spectrum, for example. Say, a promiscuous male gay model and an unmarried 30 year-old mormon. Each one is going to have wildly different views on when it would be "okay" or "right" to have sex or even kiss someone. While the model is making out with every guy wearing enough body glitter on the dance floor, the mormon is shaking his head and condemning him to hell. However the fact that the mormon is 30 years old and has yet to hold a woman in his arms makes the model sad that he has not experienced the celebration of life that is passion and sensuality. It doesn't matter which side with which you agree more, the fact is it is a personal choice.

As an asexual, sex is probably meaningless and unimportant to you. However, because you like to kiss, perhaps you feel all the social weight and stigmas of intercourse are being passed to kissing? Most people do not feel this way, but if you do, it would not make it "wrong". Personally, I have never heard of nor do I carry the same meaning to a person's first kiss as a person's first sexual experience, but if that is where a relationship culminates for you, you may want to do so. The key word there being "want".

Basically what it boils down to really is how you perceive and wish to perceive these events. If you're asking if a mob is going to march down your front lawn with pick-axes and torches if you kiss a boy that has never been kissed before while you yourself have been kissed? Not going to happen. Will he think less of you? Probably not. But what really matters is what it means to you.

#4 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 06:29 AM

I now feel like open-mouthed kissing is dirty, and I only like closed-mouth kissing on the lips.
I compare it to the concept of virginity.

But I still feel like I lost something when I first kissed a boy on the lips.

I think that a peck on the lips is okay, but French kissing is bad or makes me a whore.


But my point is, do any other asexuals think there's something pure about not having had your first kiss? What about the difference between a polite kiss and a passionate kiss?

:blink: :blink: :blink:

Well, I won't even get into how I feel about the concept of virginity equalling purity, other than to say I think it's pretty absurd, but... wow. Um... :unsure:

Kissing doesn't make you 'impure'. Closed-mouth, open-mouthed, French kissing, whatever. It's simply an action that, although it sounds as though you regret it, didn't change you in any other way.

My own first kiss was with someone I had feelings for at the time, but which I now realise was nothing more than a glorified crush. I felt no real excitement and was a little weirded out after the kiss, but it certainly didn't make me feel as though I'd lost anything. I guess I was somewhat puzzled as to what the big deal was about kissing, because I assumed it was something amazing. Metaphorical fireworks going off and all that. But it was just... lips on lips. And somewhat awkward. But it certainly didn't make me feel guilty, dirty, or bad in any way, and I encourage you not to think of it in those terms, if possible. Which is not to say that your feelings aren't valid; it's unfortunate you feel badly. All I can suggest is try not to worry/obsess over it. (Though not related to kissing specifically, I have a tendency to over-analyse things myself, and I know I've done that many times with stuff related to my own sexuality. Ultimately, it's just a big headache, and not something worth dwelling on too much, in my experience.)
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#5 the_unstable

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 10:42 AM

I agree with probably everything Aesir said. Really, it's up to you how you want to feel about it, where you want to set the bar with things, all that. I don't know what country you live in, but I'm in the US and over here, society pretty much says that kissing is nothing. That's probably why supposedly over half the population has oral herpes and it's just written off like "Oh, I have a cold sore!" I personally don't think kissing is a big deal. I guess the first kiss can be special because it's the first time you try something. That can go for anything you do in your entire life. Firsts are special. I don't like kissing. It does nothing for me. I don't feel dirty or impure or anything when I do it, though I don't like it and if someone's pushing me to do it (which has happened, most definitely), I can end up feeling used and pushed around. I understand where you're coming from when you talk about the impure feelings, though. When I do anything more than kissing, I most definitely feel impure, dirty, sinful, used...But I've set myself up to feel that way.

I don't think there's anything pure about not having your first kiss. As I said, to me, it's lips on lips. No big deal. I don't know about a polite kiss...as some kind of greeting on the cheek? Or kissing someone you're kinda seeing just to be polite 'cause you don't really want to kiss them? A passionate kiss...well, I would assume if someone is kissing someone passionately, then they're very into it and probably using tongue and stuff.

It's hard to say what the guys you're interested in would think about the whole kissing thing. They could have similar views that you do or complete opposite. Some people think kissing someone who has experience is better since they won't be as bad of a kisser.

Sorry, I'm really rambly and stuff. I hope this makes sense and isn't a waste of time for you to read, if you choose to haha.
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#6 anowink

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 05:02 PM

I understand where you're coming from. Before my first kiss, I felt like I needed to be on the same level as whomever I was going to have my first kiss with. But then I was cast in a play where I had to kiss a boy, and I just didn't think about it that much. I have no idea if he had ever kissed anyone else before either. After that I felt much better about kissing.

It's okay that you have kissed people; society basically expects it out of most of us anyway. Open mouthed kissing is normal for most people (although when you think about it, can be a little gross). To me, kissing isn't terribly special, just lip-to-lip contact.

I define a polite kiss as closed mouth, without much feeling for the person you're kissing. A passionate kiss can be either open or closed mouth, but you feel something for the other person.

#7 lindi

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 05:15 PM

I never thought of kissing as anything important/special... especially when I didn't even like it and I felt absolutely no thrill at all from it :unsure: So... I don't regret that I kissed someone I had a slight crush on, 'cause there's nothing worth "saving for my true love" in that boring, unpleasant act of french kissing :P
In fact, I'd prefer to never do french kissing again - and considering that I don't like it, I'd rather kiss someone random/whom I don't like too much (if someone dared me for money or something XD XD) than a person I actually cared of ;)

#8 Palovana

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Posted 10 July 2010 - 05:19 AM

I've only been kissed once in my life, by my friend when I was 15. It didn't really mean much to me, except that I had never been kissed before and it felt kind of weird and very soft. It was ok I guess, but it wasn't like I saw fireworks or anything. I didn't feel anything past the immediate nerves of my lips. My friend just kind of leaned in and kissed me for maybe 3 seconds, and when he realized I hadn't responded at all, he pulled away and looked at me, and I just looked back at him, and then I just shrugged and walked away. Later, after I told my friend what happened and she lectured me for probably hurting his feelings, I felt kind of bad because I didn't know you were supposed to kiss back :blink:

#9 Guest_FrozenCherry_*

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Posted 13 July 2010 - 07:15 AM

It is mythical obsession to me. It has getting sacrifial meanings and I totally adore thought of first kiss. I really want to kiss my first kiss at some day. It just happend to be I cannot by reasons I do not know...

#10 Basil the Tired Aesthete

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Posted 13 July 2010 - 10:12 AM

I might be throwing in a controversy grenade here, but I adore kissing. For me, kissing is my main physical way of showing any kind of desire. I don't want it to go any further (except very rarely but that's kind of off-topic), so I think for me kissing is important because it's the only way I want to show physical desire.
Having said that, I'm just as likely to be found ghosting my lips over a wonderful sculpture as I am another human being, so I suppose it's all tied up for me in appreciation of beauty rather than sexual fulfillment.

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#11 alludere

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Posted 14 July 2010 - 03:02 AM

I wouldn't say I feel more "pure" not having had my first kiss - I do feel that not having sex makes you more pure, but I don't think kisses are that big of a deal. Maybe that's just because I haven't had one, though. Who knows if I'd feel regretful or grossed out and disgusting later. :huh:




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