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hiddentears

Fellow Sexuals

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Ladylilly

Just an update with me and mine =] We had a loooong heart to heart last night(for the second night) and I really thought I was going to lose him, because we just got so frustrated with each other at one point, but we came to see a beautiful compromise that he seemed very happy about and I think will relieve ALOT of stress. I'm also now beginning to see that one of the biggest contributing factors to him not wanting to have sex is because it physically pains him...that I did not know. He never spoke of this to me and it really kind of makes sense now, so I'm hoping we can find a little resolve from this new tid bit of information and work on our said compromise =] Thanks for your kind words Pandante :cake:

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Pandante

That sounds very promising! It's very heartwarming reading of progress, it gives me hope too. Thanks for sharing!

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Neighbor

Just joined, first post.

I'm here because reading these forums makes me feel less alone.

I am married to an asexual, and having all of the problems that so many other sexuals post about. Depression, frustration (oi!), anxiety, anger.

One of the worst things is that this isn't something that I can talk about, even with my closest friends.

A good friend, one both my wife and I often confide in, has a very strong sex drive and she refuses to believe in this asexual nonsense. It just can't be true. "Everyone" has a sex drive. There "must" be some other reason my wife isn't interested in sex. She must have been abused, or is secretly gay, or has a hormone imbalance, or something. This is so outside her realm of experience that she is incapable of understanding and therefor incapable of lending any meaningful support.

A married couple, our friends for more than 20 years - the husband has told me that he and his wife discussed how it must be that I don't know what I'm doing. How maybe I'm just really inept, don't know my way around a woman's body. That I'm doing it all so badly that my wife simply lost interest.

My self esteem doesn't need that kind of hit. I've not mentioned anything more about this to them or anyone else.

So I am rapidly figuring out that the only people that could possibly understand any of this are other sexuals who find themselves in a similar relationship. It is a lonely feeling when you find out that your best friends can't help you - but it helps to find that there are total strangers who 'get it'.

That is why I am here.

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Skullery Maid

Whoa... the people in your life sure are rough on those who don't share their experiences! Welcome, I'm glad you found AVEN. Not feeling alone is a pretty amazing feeling. :)

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Pandante

Warm welcome Neighbor :cake:

I can relate very well with your frustrations of not being understood and having no one to talk to. Even good friends will not make an effort to hear you out and instead keep coming up with their own explanations. I've pretty much stopped trying, because success rates were so low. I can't even talk to my family about it. Recently, though, I found two people (one sexual and one asexual) I can talk to, and that felt really good. I hope you find at least one or two yourself.

I don't know why it's so hard for some to accept the existence of asexuality. Some people harbor a scientific stubbornness without knowing any of the science. And in their stubbornness they fail to realise that it doesn't even require scientific thought to accept asexuality. It just requires an open mind and heart. Oh well, I don't think one can entirely blame them; everyone is a victim of modern socio-cultural indoctrination.

But know that you are understood here, and always welcome to share anything you like.

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Neighbor

@skullerymaid - I can't say that I blame them. Their reactions might well have been my own if I were hearing this from someone else under different circumstances. For a while, the concept that someone could simply not have a sex drive was unfathomable to me. Faced with that, people gravitate toward what seems to be the more likely explanations.

@pendante -

Even good friends will not make an effort to hear you out and instead keep coming up with their own explanations.
Exactly

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Skullery Maid

I'm just kind of shocked that your friends would say, to your face, that the problem is that you don't know how to please a woman. So weird! I understand completely that they're searching for secondary reasons... and to be honest, I think a lot of times there are secondary reasons... its no lie that people do end up coming out, having affairs, etc, after originally claiming to be uninterested. Even so, I wouldn't say it to my friend's face. To quote Kathy Griffin, "I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs." :lol:

So how do you feel about the asexuality in your marriage? Is is something you want to work with, and around? Are you considering jumping ship? I'm sure all of this is a lot to process right away...

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Neighbor

He was drunk, which is the only way he'd have been able to bring it up. I think he was working up to giving suggestions or helpful hints or whatever. He thought he was doing the right thing. After assuring him that he was barking up the wrong tree (and leaving him unconvinced) it was dropped and that was that.

So how do you feel about the asexuality in your marriage?

I think it sucks.

No, not going to jump ship. We've been together more than 20 years. We have a life together. We have kids together. More than that, I happen to love her.

All the wonderful things about her are worth more to me than all the negatives that come from our sex life.

Still, those negatives are significant and cause me a lot of grief, which causes her a lot of grief. Cuz she loves me too.

I know that 20 years is a long time to not figure out the 'asexual' thing, but we had simply never heard the term before and were unfamiliar with the concept. She just thought she was 'weird'. For which i have to say it is great that this site is here. She found it before I did and as much as it has helped me to read about other sexuals in my position, it has been a far greater comfort for her to read about other asexuals in hers.

She isn't on the far "ew, disgusting, don't even think about it" end of the spectrum. Her body can respond and she can enjoy sex (from a very passive unengaged stance) - but she has no drive, no desires, no fantasies, no horniness. All of which leaves sex - when we have it - very empty and unfulfilling.

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honor is all

I'm Sexual. My SO is Asexual. The reason I stay on this forum is because this forum has become a place for me to go to when I feel like I have no where else to go. I have friends here

"I'm Sexual." (honor is all faints in surprise). And there I was thinking another ace couple.

I have been thinking of myself as heteroromantic Gray-A, but I guess I'm technically sexual, albeit a repulsed sexual. I guess that I'm a bit of an antisexual, which I am hesitant to admit due to the very negative connotation that the word "antisexual" has. So, why hang out on AVEN as opposed to an antisexual forum? Well, I have a few reasons for that. It seems like antisexuals have a reputation for being pretty extreme and elitist. I also get the impression that many would like to prevent everybody from engaging in sex. I, however, do not agree with that in any way. While I personally have a strong dislike of sex and no desire to ever experience it, I do not want to force others to have the same opinion as me. If people enjoy sex, then they have every right to engage in it. It isn't any of my business what people choose to do.

I apologize if I offended anybody with that little rant. I can't think of a way to word it right now without sounding like an asshole. I just hope that everybody understands that what I said is only my personal opinion and does not, to my knowledge, influence the way I think of anybody else.

The second reason I hang out on AVEN? Well, it's the most friendly internet community ever. That, and I've had conversations with so many cool people that I don't want to leave.

Also, I would much rather have cake than have sex, so I can kind of relate to alot of people here.

Yay for you! I'm antisexual too. Even if I was sexual I'd be celibate. There is NOTHING negative about antisexuality. It's simply giving up a selfish pleasure for moral reasons just like giving up meat for varois good reasons that go with it.

Edited by ArcanineHuggles
Merged double-posts

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jajjaaj

I am very sexual and my husband is Asexual. I am here to figure out more about the subject and be a proactive partner.

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jajjaaj

Just joined, first post.

I'm here because reading these forums makes me feel less alone.

I am married to an asexual, and having all of the problems that so many other sexuals post about. Depression, frustration (oi!), anxiety, anger.

One of the worst things is that this isn't something that I can talk about, even with my closest friends.

A good friend, one both my wife and I often confide in, has a very strong sex drive and she refuses to believe in this asexual nonsense. It just can't be true. "Everyone" has a sex drive. There "must" be some other reason my wife isn't interested in sex. She must have been abused, or is secretly gay, or has a hormone imbalance, or something. This is so outside her realm of experience that she is incapable of understanding and therefor incapable of lending any meaningful support.

A married couple, our friends for more than 20 years - the husband has told me that he and his wife discussed how it must be that I don't know what I'm doing. How maybe I'm just really inept, don't know my way around a woman's body. That I'm doing it all so badly that my wife simply lost interest.

My self esteem doesn't need that kind of hit. I've not mentioned anything more about this to them or anyone else.

So I am rapidly figuring out that the only people that could possibly understand any of this are other sexuals who find themselves in a similar relationship. It is a lonely feeling when you find out that your best friends can't help you - but it helps to find that there are total strangers who 'get it'.

That is why I am here.

I haven't bothered with asking or telling any of my friends or family. They think we are a great couple and would be shocked this was even an issue. And like you, I don't want to hear any negative comments that are not helpful. So I have resorted to finding a safe place to seek answers.

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Chelcii

Hi! Another sexual, here! :) I'm a mixed bag, really. I love. I think that's all that needs to be said. :)

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ayuki

Sexual and ally here. I went through a long period of questioning my sexuality, reading everything I could pull up on the web about different sexualities and genders. It eventually sparked me to focus on gender and sexuality studies in school, which I am loving, living and breathing almost 24/7. I also thought I was asexual for about a day. I considered demisexual as well. But the journey to being label-free has been ever-rewarding. I also identify more sexually with grey-A people than sexuals (more on that below).

I was only recently a member, though I have lurked here before. Signing up was prompted by a weakening interest in sex and a longing to re-evaluate what that meant. Also, I learned it was AAW. I am a passionate advocate of accepting difference and challenging notions of norms in society in general so I love engaging myself with others who are not cisgendered, heterosexual able-bodied white men or at least understand that it is possible and valid to be anything other than that.

Asexuality, I find, challenges the very notions of other forms of queerness and upon realizing how I view and experience sexuality is very different than what I hear from friends and acquaintances, I embrace that challenge and think it can benefit me, my community and the world at large.

That may have been cheesy/heavy, sorry?

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Love-Her-Eyes

Sexual newbie here who's joined to try and get support b/c I just found out my gf thinks she's gray-a. Which is tricky, because I'm. Well. Not. And while we're both teens (though legal), so sex imo is a non-issue, because I wouldn't be ready anyway, finding out my gf actually has no desire to ever make out with me again was. Well. Tricky. Obviously, I've decided I want to continue to give it a go anyway, but I foresee a certain amount of stress and at least some disappointment/resentment, so having a community who could support me and understand what I'm going through was important, and hopefully it will aid us in having a fulfilling relationship, which, when it eventually ends, does so without broken hearts - at least over this issue.

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Blackee

Hey there,another sexual here. I have just joined today actually because my ex and roommate vampyremage whom some of u might know here,has realized for a few months now that she is asexual. So I joined to learn even more about asexuality and about her and how she views things.

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Skullery Maid

From what I've noticed, she views things pretty awesomely and smartly. I'm kinda jealous you get to hang out with her!

Welcome :)

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natsumi

Another sexual here.

My story is relatively simple: my friend is asexual, and she has piqued my interest in learning more about this (and other gender studies).

My other reason is to eat cake.

On another note, is it so strange that ever since I've been visiting these forums that I've actually become less interested in sex? Is this some sort of phenomenon?

Currently, I identify as a heterosexual (and possibly homoromantic).

Since learning about asexuality, I've also become less interested in sex. Sex is no longer this end goal in sexual relationships. It's kinda levelled the playing field for me in terms of intimate activities. I've become a lot more interested in exploring different ways of expressing intimacy beyond sex with my partners and it's great! It's forced me to think outside the box and be creative with how to intimately and emotionally bond with people.

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Pandante

Another sexual here.

My story is relatively simple: my friend is asexual, and she has piqued my interest in learning more about this (and other gender studies).

My other reason is to eat cake.

On another note, is it so strange that ever since I've been visiting these forums that I've actually become less interested in sex? Is this some sort of phenomenon?

Currently, I identify as a heterosexual (and possibly homoromantic).

Since learning about asexuality, I've also become less interested in sex. Sex is no longer this end goal in sexual relationships. It's kinda levelled the playing field for me in terms of intimate activities. I've become a lot more interested in exploring different ways of expressing intimacy beyond sex with my partners and it's great! It's forced me to think outside the box and be creative with how to intimately and emotionally bond with people.

I feel very much the same! It's strangely satisfying. My interest in sex has gone down quite a lot since and instead i can focusing on finding out what it is that my asexual partner likes about being with me.

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purplefeather

Hi, new here, I am sexual. My husband died a while ago, I never thought Id fall in love again, but hey I did, now I have this other grief, sorry but it is grief, because this great man I love is asexual. I feel like I have signed up for a lot of heartach,but hey I still there. I have read lots, looked at different forums, tried to get it, but really I can only say I sort of get it. Anyway at least somewhere to share now. No way can talk to any friends or family about it. I try to talk to him about it, but I loose it and get too upset. So most of it has been discussed via texting. I also have aspergers syndrome, but I definately have feelings (too many) just some trouble getting right exactly how others are feeling, and I definately sexual. I feel lots emotions over this, angry, sad, confused, so many it too much. Hey but I found a whole new world of people who in the same situation I never new existed before.

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ellington11

This forum has helped me realize more so what I could identify as. For a couple years now I've been telling myself that I am a homoromantic female. I'm out as a lesbian, but I've only told one friend about my potential asexuality (however, I'm not sure how seriously he took it). I was in a sexual relationship last year though. I didn't hate it, but I know that I would prefer a sexless (or minimal, at least) relationship. I have some sort of aversion to sex, and I'm not sure how to categorize it. I've thought that it might stem from a "fear" of sex. But either way, I guess you could say I'm somewhat sexual, but leaning closer to asexuality.

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Jillian_K

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

I'm also sexual. I actually joined the site because I'm interested in learning about the asexual community and what it's like. I saw in the other thread that asexuals want to know what it's like to feel sexual attraction. I'm curious to know what it's like to NOT feel sexual attraction. I hope you don't mind my curiosity in your community! Rather than judging something because it's different, I'd much rather understand and accept it!

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Pandante

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

I'm also sexual. I actually joined the site because I'm interested in learning about the asexual community and what it's like. I saw in the other thread that asexuals want to know what it's like to feel sexual attraction. I'm curious to know what it's like to NOT feel sexual attraction. I hope you don't mind my curiosity in your community! Rather than judging something because it's different, I'd much rather understand and accept it!

That's a really good attitude to have. Although we might never really understand the absence of sexual attraction at the same level as asexuals do, the most important is first of all to accept it. In fact, often, better understanding comes from accepting first.

I wonder if it's even possible to answer your question, though, that is, is it possible for a person to describe something that doesn't exist for them? I'm curious too, though.

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Sally

I wonder if it's even possible to answer your question, though, that is, is it possible for a person to describe something that doesn't exist for them? I'm curious too, though.

That would be difficult. All I can say as a lifelong asexual is that however the sexuals I've been involved with have described their feelings, I just don't have those feelings. All I can say is "no" when they've asked if I felt this or that or the other thing. I was attracted to them, but not the way they were attracted.

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glass weegie

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

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Pandante

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

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bookcase

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

I'm also sexual. I actually joined the site because I'm interested in learning about the asexual community and what it's like. I saw in the other thread that asexuals want to know what it's like to feel sexual attraction. I'm curious to know what it's like to NOT feel sexual attraction. I hope you don't mind my curiosity in your community! Rather than judging something because it's different, I'd much rather understand and accept it!

That's a really good attitude to have. Although we might never really understand the absence of sexual attraction at the same level as asexuals do, the most important is first of all to accept it. In fact, often, better understanding comes from accepting first.

I wonder if it's even possible to answer your question, though, that is, is it possible for a person to describe something that doesn't exist for them? I'm curious too, though.

Yes, lack of an experience is hard to describe. It's a bit like asking a lifelong atheist to describe how it is "not to have faith". :P The best I can come up with is this: I think everyone must have met people they are not interested in, sexually. I also suppose most people have friends whose company they enjoy but who they are not sexually attracted to. Now imagine feeling this way about everyone. Or you could try to imagine (for heterosexuals) that you live in a world where everybody is the same sex as you (the opposite sex if you're gay - I don't know what would work for bisexuals though!).

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Jillian_K

Ok, So I know I'm not the only Sexual here on AVEN. What I'm wondering is how many of us are there and what are your reasons for being on AVEN.

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

I'm also sexual. I actually joined the site because I'm interested in learning about the asexual community and what it's like. I saw in the other thread that asexuals want to know what it's like to feel sexual attraction. I'm curious to know what it's like to NOT feel sexual attraction. I hope you don't mind my curiosity in your community! Rather than judging something because it's different, I'd much rather understand and accept it!

That's a really good attitude to have. Although we might never really understand the absence of sexual attraction at the same level as asexuals do, the most important is first of all to accept it. In fact, often, better understanding comes from accepting first.

I wonder if it's even possible to answer your question, though, that is, is it possible for a person to describe something that doesn't exist for them? I'm curious too, though.

Yes, lack of an experience is hard to describe. It's a bit like asking a lifelong atheist to describe how it is "not to have faith". :P The best I can come up with is this: I think everyone must have met people they are not interested in, sexually. I also suppose most people have friends whose company they enjoy but who they are not sexually attracted to. Now imagine feeling this way about everyone. Or you could try to imagine (for heterosexuals) that you live in a world where everybody is the same sex as you (the opposite sex if you're gay - I don't know what would work for bisexuals though!).

This is a great way of explaining something that I know is pretty much impossible to describe. I guess that makes sense. I have plenty of male friends who I love to death, but have absolutely no sexual attraction toward. You are all really helpful! I appreciate the input. Another question...I imagine that asexuals still get turned on at one point or another. Is this so? If yes, what accomplishes that since there's a lack of sexual attraction? If no, do you feel like you're missing out?

If there are any questions that asexuals have about being sexual, I'm happy to answer as best as I can!

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bookcase

This is a great way of explaining something that I know is pretty much impossible to describe. I guess that makes sense. I have plenty of male friends who I love to death, but have absolutely no sexual attraction toward. You are all really helpful! I appreciate the input.

No problem. I'm glad it helped. :)

Another question...I imagine that asexuals still get turned on at one point or another. Is this so? If yes, what accomplishes that since there's a lack of sexual attraction? If no, do you feel like you're missing out?

This depends. Some don't ... some do. Personally, I do get aroused; it's just unrelated to other people. But the physiological functions and the related physical sensations are still there. It does get complicated when another person gets involved, but ... that's probably the topic for a whole new thread!

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Jillian_K

This is a great way of explaining something that I know is pretty much impossible to describe. I guess that makes sense. I have plenty of male friends who I love to death, but have absolutely no sexual attraction toward. You are all really helpful! I appreciate the input.

No problem. I'm glad it helped. :)

Another question...I imagine that asexuals still get turned on at one point or another. Is this so? If yes, what accomplishes that since there's a lack of sexual attraction? If no, do you feel like you're missing out?

This depends. Some don't ... some do. Personally, I do get aroused; it's just unrelated to other people. But the physiological functions and the related physical sensations are still there. It does get complicated when another person gets involved, but ... that's probably the topic for a whole new thread!

I gotcha! Either way, thanks for answering. :)

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glass weegie

can possible demis post here? :rolleyes:

Of course! ^_^

yay! im not sure wether im demi or asexual. i havent experienced sexual attraction but i feel i could under the right circumstances... i know i am supposed to figure this out on my own but i cant. how should i identify?

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