Fellow Sexuals

[JDP]

On 7/7/2017 at 4:36 PM, pbass82 said:

It is very frustrating when your partner won't discuss it. I had a lot more difficulty when he wouldn't. I finally laid down the issue in communication with him rather than with my sexual frustration. I explained to him that not being able to talk about sexual issues made me feel distant and cut off more than the actual lack of sex. I explained that the break in communication made me feel like my thoughts and feelings weren't important. I told him my intent wasn't to get him to give me sex...that was something I wouldn't try to force or insist on. I simply needed to be heard, even if he couldn't quite understand. I needed to know my feelings were important and that the relationship itself was about both of us. 

 Its still a bit of an awkward topic, but he's learning that expressing my thoughts and feelings is completely different than trying to turn our relationship sexual. 

As someone married to a sexual, I can appreciate what a sexual wife goes through when being denied sex.

 

I understand the sense of betrayal, but it's too much to ask an asexual/abstinent husband to resolve the conflict in his wife that his asexuality has caused. That's on her, not on him.

 

What is the right thing for a asexual husband to do? Leave/abandon his wife, forcing her to move on? Give her pity sex instead, hoping to placate her and keep the marriage going?

 

There is no "compromise" that can work here. It's the sexual that has to give in, as my wife has done.

 

I wish things had turned out differently, but I am what I am, and she is what she is.

 

 

[ohmygosh]

Thanks for the couple posts from different viewpoints! 

 

First off, I cannot believe that you guys took your time to read my full post and consider it. I apparently have "things to let out."  That's telling that we are all we are all expressive and want to be heard or understood. 

 

I'm a financially inclined woman.  I don't earn a great deal now, but I have studied it.  I think that was appealing to the guy I'm breaking-it-off with.  

 

My income is tied to ups and downs. (Which makes me very vulnerable to leave a financially secure mixed relationship, but f-it) 

 

Men on average make more money that women, which leaves the woman vulnerable sometimes.  I am saying this because a guy posted something about... "what's the right thing to do, leave my sexual stranded..." idk.  I'm in the throes of depression over my loss, so I don't care much for literal translation right now. Excuse that. 

 

If if you are in a mixed (asexual/sexual) relationship with a woman who does not earn enough to break-out on her own, then it would be proper for you to give her some truth about the way the rest of her life will be with you, and  offer her some money to leave, if you have it and are not weirded-out about doing so. 

 

(Some people are happy to sue each other, then that might still be a good plan, which shows good faith, but be careful and talk to an attorney if you babe is a little vindictive).  

 

My random thoughts only, but if you have found yourself in an asexual marriage with a sexual who earns less, offer them a choice for themselves to get out so they can be self sufficient, and so you can find another asexual who compliments your viewpoints. That would be worth every penny.  But, it's super scary. 😢

 

You would have have to want to be with another asexual or have reasons for wanting to grant this to your partner, I guess. What the heck do I know?

[ohmygosh]

What I was trying to say, is be sharing and caring. Offer a realist its choice to a partner who is sensible. 

 

You never know. Maybe they will choose you!  If they take the offer and leave, then you "internet and intellectually savvy person" whoever you really are might actually be able to connect with another ace.  

 

 

[alibali]

I certainly didn't know I was asexual until last year. I am 53. I knew I didn't want sex, nor was it important to me, other than the fact that I knew my partners found it important. I couldn't understand why it was important. So I just tried to give what I could until I realised that actually women like sex and desire it. It was a complete revelation.  I really couldn't believe that a friend was taking HRT in order to get her sex drive back. Bingo!

 

I am no longer in a relationship and am separated from my husband of 23 years who I loved but I had to submerge my disgust with the sex.

[cupid69]

On 7/28/2017 at 6:16 AM, ohmygosh said:

 

x

[ohmygosh]

Hi Apostle. You're right. We dig in and earn some bucks and take care of ourselves.  

 

Females experience continual rejection as depression. That ties into work....

 

I want to share something else tonight. It's a post that I shared because I was feeling like the lack of empathy from my partner was so unexplainable, infathomable to me, in all of my ignorance. I shared it in the asexual site, and want to post it here too... 

[ohmygosh]

No. Never mind.  I posted elsewhere on this site, a rough draft of my experience.  

 

The bottom line is that my guy most likely has a form of high functioning autism.  I just figured it out.  Finally, after so many hours of kicking myself in the head. 

 

The crappy part, too little, too late. His own mother is a specialist in this area with severe cases, but she never had to date him, so I suppose she couldn't see the disconnect there, because he worked so hard at being socially able to give responses, especially to his parents.

 

I just wish that I knew sooner, and didn't feel so hurt and rejected, and more importantly for me, helpless.

 

The other crappy part, I didn't figure it out until I had already driven him away in an effort to preserve my own heart. 

 

 

 

[Treesarepretty]

Since this thread started as a question about why people are here, it sounds like a good place to introduce myself.

 

I am here because my wife and I appear to have very different views on sex. At first I thought that I just wasn't a good enough boyfriend/husband and that if I improved then she would be "in the mood" from time to time. A few months ago (we have been married for 4 years) I reached the point where I didn't know what else I could improve and she still treated sex as a cumbersome chore. I started searching for information about asexuality and found AVEN.

 

While my wife agrees that the definition of demisexual applies to her, she doesn't like me going online to look for information about relationships and she thinks that saying she is anything other than heterosexual is calling her "broken." (I have told her that it doesn't mean that at all, but she doesn't believe me.) She says most/all women are like her and that her lack of desire for sex is because I "turned sex into a chore" by being so adament about its importance. 

 

Another thing coming to AVEN made me do was question myself. I have realized that I am hypersexual as compared to most men. The combination of my high libido and her desire to have no sex with me has caused a lot of trouble for a long time. 

 

I started reading this forum because I wanted to find compromises that work for other people. This is a nice place, with kind people. I would write more, but I am on a smart phone during a lunch break. 

[roland.o]

Hello, and welcome to these forums. I hope you'll find some good advice here. I've you haven't already, have some now. I've you've had, have another one :-)

 

1 hour ago, Treesarepretty said:

she thinks that saying she is anything other than heterosexual is calling her "broken."

And that is why labels must be chosen, not assigned.

 

Keep up the communication with your wife. Ask her how she feels. Tell her how you feel. Make suggestions. Send her links. Ask for her opinion. But don't tell her what you think she is.

[Grumpy Alien]

I'm not the only one to always read the thread name in George W Bush's voice a la "my fellow Americans," right? ... right? 

[borkfork]

1 hour ago, Graceful said:

I'm not the only one to always read the thread name in George W Bush's voice a la "my fellow Americans," right? ... right? 

From now on I will read it in Bill Clinton's voice.

[Grumpy Alien]

6 minutes ago, borkfork said:

From now on I will read it in Bill Clinton's voice.

Have I been reading it in the wrong voice? How peculiar of me.

[Philip027]

6 minutes ago, borkfork said:

From now on I will read it in Bill Clinton's voice.

It helps that he actually said the word "sexual" in a highly publicized, referenced, and repeated piece of TV content, so you don't even have to imagine what his particular inflections of that word would be like.

[borkfork]

1 minute ago, Graceful said:

Have I been reading it in the wrong voice? How peculiar of me.

It's used by a lot of politicians. I just thought it was because I'm old, but uh, what Phillip said.

[Treesarepretty]

2 hours ago, roland.o said:

And that is why labels must be chosen, not assigned.

Agreed. 

 

I did try to avoid that. It came about because we were talking about sex about a week after I had found out about AVEN and I wanted us both to go onto this forum, but I wanted to ease into that discussion. I started saying that I had been looking around online for information about human sexuality and I thought that I had found a good resource for couples where one wants a lot of sex and the other wants none. She then asked me if I thought she was asexual, I said "no." That was when I told her that no one can really label anyone else accurately because they can't get in the other person's head and I gave her the definition of "demisexual" and asked if that sounded like her. She said of course it did because that is just a normal woman. I then turned the discussion to me because I think the fact that I seem to be hypersexual is part of our disconnect. She has siezed on that in subsequent discussions. 

 

I don't think that I technically did label her, but splitting hairs is pointless. When you communicate, taking your audience into account matters and after all of these years I should have known to choose a better way to ease into the subject. 

 

2 hours ago, roland.o said:

Keep up the communication with your wife. Ask her how she feels. Tell her how you feel. Make suggestions. 

We have been talking about this and talking about our perspectives since long before we were married. I think that she mostly doesn't believe my perspective. I go back and forth between believing and disbelieving that she ever wanted me in this way -- she says she used to, and after finding AVEN I doubt I will ever go back to disbelieving her. The reason for that is complicated, and I should start my own thread if I want to talk about it. 

 

Sending her links will most likely make her angry. I have tried to talk to her about coming here since then and that was when she said that I was calling her broken (I insisted I was not, but she was very upset with me and I could tell she didn't want to talk about AVEN anymore). If I send her links now, she probably won't follow them. Maybe if I wait a little while that will change, but this isn't the time. 

 

Thank you for replying to me. 

[Treesarepretty]

32 minutes ago, borkfork said:

It's used by a lot of politicians. I just thought it was because I'm old, but uh, what Phillip said.

I don't think you have to be old to think about Clinton as the generic president to talk about what sexual relations he isn't having. Especially if you know what the definition of "is" is. 

[borkfork]

5 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

I don't think you have to be old to think about Clinton as the generic president to talk about what sexual relations he isn't having. Especially if you know what the definition of "is" is. 

Haha. He's just the first president I can clearly remember.

 

[cupid69]

On 8/8/2017 at 1:35 AM, Treesarepretty said:

 

x

[Treesarepretty]

On 8/9/2017 at 3:47 AM, Apostle said:

I thought the same about my wife, low libido etc but really she was just asexual and possibly didn't know that she know. ... However, from my many years of experience, although I still love my wife, there is now no intimate connect. 

25 years, 3 kids, all younger than 2 when your wife came out to you, etc. Your posts were some of the first I came across when I started lurking here. Posts from members like you, LadyGirl, and DowninTexas really give me pause. I am glad that you are so in love with your spouses, but DAMN that sounds hard. ❤ 

 

Thank you for your reply and analysis. I am debating how much I want to share because, while I do want to talk about some things, I want to avoid sharing enough to make my wife feel uncomfortable coming here. 

 

In any case, I think I am done in this thread until I decide to say hi to some other newcomer since it is an introduction thread, afterall. 

[Rawrth]

My best friend is asexual and I want to understand it better. I have a very curious person and this is not the first time I have joined a site to learn about something even when I don't exactly "fit in". I love expanding my view on the world and becoming a more accepting person and learning about differences between humans and what makes us all tick. Why are some people asexual? Why do some people have 'odd' fetishes? Why is one thing taboo in one country but celebrated in another? By joining websites like this, I can see the point of view of people whom I might not exactly relate to, but can hopefully come to understand better. 

[alibali]

That is an unanswerable question though, because an asexual like me will answer "what makes someone sexual". After all I have had children and been sexually active...even though I now realise I have always been asexual. I don't think it is possible for one side to understand the other.

[Rawrth]

5 hours ago, alibali said:

That is an unanswerable question though, because an asexual like me will answer "what makes someone sexual". After all I have had children and been sexually active...even though I now realise I have always been asexual. I don't think it is possible for one side to understand the other.

Being on this site has already helped me understand I have learned a lot so far, and I'm glad I joined.

[Grumpy Alien]

8 hours ago, alibali said:

That is an unanswerable question though, because an asexual like me will answer "what makes someone sexual". After all I have had children and been sexually active...even though I now realise I have always been asexual. I don't think it is possible for one side to understand the other.

I don't see that as true. I previously thought I was asexual when I am not. I think for a lot of sexual people, it is nearly impossible to understand asexuality. For others, it's extremely simple. And vice versa. I would guess that most people fall somewhere between the two extremes.

 

I'm not trans but I understand the concept. I don't have a fetish but I understand having one.  (Two unrelated easy examples.) I don't have similar experiences to someone who is trans or has a fetish, yet can understand how that works and how they might feel. I'll never see it from their perspective, no, that's impossible. But I don't think that's necessary to basic understanding.

[alibali]

Fair enough.  But my friends don't understand to the extent that they don't believe me. They say you have been sexually active so how can you be asexual. And I accept that people have sex drive and enjoy sex but for the life of me can't fathom why. There is a difference between acceptance that someone has a different perspective and understanding. That is what I mean by it's impossible.

[cupid69]

x

[alibali]

I quite like my label Ace, and it describes who I am.

[Rawrth]

On 8/12/2017 at 2:23 AM, alibali said:

Fair enough.  But my friends don't understand to the extent that they don't believe me. They say you have been sexually active so how can you be asexual. And I accept that people have sex drive and enjoy sex but for the life of me can't fathom why. There is a difference between acceptance that someone has a different perspective and understanding. That is what I mean by it's impossible.

I'm sorry your friends don't understand, but not everyone is like that. It almost feels like you're telling me it's useless to try to learn about people who are different from me. I know that's not what you mean, but. I love studying different cultures, religions, sexualities, and even disabilities and disorders. I consider myself an open-minded person. I didn't use to be. I use to think what I thought was right, and that anyone with a different view on the world was wrong. After learning more and understanding others, putting myself in their shoes, I realize not everything is as black-and-white as I once thought. And that's a wonderful thing to know. I don't see it as impossible. I understand that you are asexual. I don't have a problem with it. 

[alibali]

I think I am pretty tolerant and always have been.  I've "come out" to two more who just accept without question. One is the person who triggered me thinking about it.  She bemoaned the fact that post menopause she had lost the desire for sex....and I thought at the time... but I thought all women felt like me. It was a revelation to me. So acceptance is possible of course. I accept that they are sexual. They accept that I am not,  but neither of us has any experience of what the other feels. Tolerance and acceptance is not the same as understanding because we don't experience the same things. I equally don't understand faith in religion because I have never felt it, but it doesn't mean I think people are wrong for having faith...well I suppose I do think they are wrong, but I accept they aren't the same and respect them as individuals who have a different experience and perspective. How on earth they got to that point is still not something I can get to grips with...but they are individuals.

[Rawrth]

1 hour ago, alibali said:

I think I am pretty tolerant and always have been.  I've "come out" to two more who just accept without question. One is the person who triggered me thinking about it.  She bemoaned the fact that post menopause she had lost the desire for sex....and I thought at the time... but I thought all women felt like me. It was a revelation to me. So acceptance is possible of course. I accept that they are sexual. They accept that I am not,  but neither of us has any experience of what the other feels. Tolerance and acceptance is not the same as understanding because we don't experience the same things. I equally don't understand faith in religion because I have never felt it, but it doesn't mean I think people are wrong for having faith...well I suppose I do think they are wrong, but I accept they aren't the same and respect them as individuals who have a different experience and perspective. How on earth they got to that point is still not something I can get to grips with...but they are individuals.

 

Perhaps I'm nit-picking here, and I'm very sorry to drag this out, but your definition of "understanding" doesn't seem to be the definition I have of "understanding". it. 

 

noun

1. the ability to understand something; comprehension.
 

adjective

1. sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving.

 

verb 

1. perceive the significance, explanation, or cause of (something).

"i'm not sure I understood much about the situation in the region"

 

I don't believe you need to experience something first-hand in order to understand it. If such were the case, acceptance itself would be so much more difficult than it already is.  

[alibali]

Perhaps the only difference is between sympathy and empathy.  One is looking at something from the outside in, the other from the inside out. One is about understanding in terms of tolerance and acceptance, the other is a deeper understanding and involves a sense of belonging and of understanding because of feeling similarly.