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I found this site when I typed in 'asexual' in a search engine - meaning "the lack of sex" and I never dreamed I would find a website dedicated to asexuality. I was horrified to find that other sexual were in marriages to asexuals - rather then giving me comfort it caused me complete panic as I then realized that I could never do anything to "fix" my sexless marriage. I am filled with heartache. I am grieved for my lost of sexual potential and satisfaction. I thought I was being a good girl to wait until marriage to have sex with my husband but what this actually did was provide him an opportunity to hide behind an issue that he knew existed but had no explanation for. I dream of sex constantly and I believe that if presented with an opportunity to have an affair with a man in a similar situation I would do so. I do not want to die not knowing the pleasures of mind and body and the older I get the more desperate I become to fulfill my desires. I feel helpless, frustrated, angry and sad. In all other areas of our marriage we are great partners. He has a certain level of affection with me (but not in a sexual way) and this gives me some comfort but also creates frustration as it never leads to anything else. We have been married 16 years and have never consummated our marriage. My mind and body are made in a way to desire things I am not getting and may not ever get and I am at a loss how to live with that and be happy and fulfilled. I can only take this site a little at a time. If I read too much about the grief written about here I am overwhelmed.

I found this site when I typed in 'asexual' in a search engine - meaning "the lack of sex" and I never dreamed I would find a website dedicated to asexuality. I was horrified to find that other sexual were in marriages to asexuals - rather then giving me comfort it caused me complete panic as I then realized that I could never do anything to "fix" my sexless marriage. I am filled with heartache. I am grieved for my lost of sexual potential and satisfaction. I thought I was being a good girl to wait until marriage to have sex with my husband but what this actually did was provide him an opportunity to hide behind an issue that he knew existed but had no explanation for. I dream of sex constantly and I believe that if presented with an opportunity to have an affair with a man in a similar situation I would do so. I do not want to die not knowing the pleasures of mind and body and the older I get the more desperate I become to fulfill my desires. I feel helpless, frustrated, angry and sad. In all other areas of our marriage we are great partners. He has a certain level of affection with me (but not in a sexual way) and this gives me some comfort but also creates frustration as it never leads to anything else. We have been married 16 years and have never consummated our marriage. My mind and body are made in a way to desire things I am not getting and may not ever get and I am at a loss how to live with that and be happy and fulfilled. I can only take this site a little at a time. If I read too much about the grief written about here I am overwhelmed.

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The Werewolf

Im here for the cookies oh wait no lol

No but seriously im here for my girlfriend i want to be sportive of others relationships who might be going throw the same thing and maybe even get some help my self i joined to get more info to support and learn more about my girlfriend. if anyone would like to talk send a message if you want to add me do so i would love to have more friends.

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I also found this site through a Google search for "asexual." I actually found it a couple of years ago during one of my many attempts at understanding what was going on with my husband. At that time (in my excitement and relief at finding an "answer") I tried to share the information with him. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that it didn't go well. He was not nearly as excited or relieved. In fact, he was angry and hurt and more or less refused to discuss the subject anymore.

Fast forward to today when I woke up frustrated and crying at 5 a.m., again trying to understand what's going on with my husband and our marriage. I don't know how long it's been since our last attempt at sex. Several months at least. As I read through this website I become more and more convinced that my husband truly is asexual. I/We have been through just about everything that has been discussed here. My experience mirrors the experiences of SOOOOO many others. I suppose in some way that is comforting, knowing that I'm not the only one. However, it's also frustrating. It's hard for me to articulate how it's frustrating. Perhaps because I wish I'd known then what I know now. I read in an older post a comment from a man whose wife is asexual, that had he known that in the beginning they may not have gotten married. I struggle with this. I'm not sure what I would have done had I really known it in the beginning. I love my husband, and I feel like I've come a long way in understanding him, but like so many others I am still angry, resentful, hurt, and sad about constantly feeling that I am the one compromising, that I am the only one willing to discuss the topic openly, that I am the only one bothered by our lack of sexual intimacy (and that me being bothered doesn't bother him). Of all of these I'd say the most infuriating for me is the lack of communication. He simply refuses to discuss it.

I have gone through several phases over the years. First I was sad and depressed thinking that it must be my fault. I wasn't doing something right. I wasn't attractive enough. I wasn't lovable. Then I was angry. He assured me it wasn't me. He said he wanted to have a "normal" sex life, and yes his erectile dysfunction bothered him, but he just couldn't do any more than he was doing. At this point I didn't know about asexuality. We fought a lot over sex and over his complete disinterest in getting help for his ED including a vehement refusal to try medication (just the thought induced a panic attack in him). We tried Sensate Focus therapy for the ED (although he wasn't willing to stick with it and I found it terribly frustrating). We tried homeopathic remedies, some of which he still takes every day, although I have no idea why. It has made no difference at all in his desire or ability to have sex. We tried (very briefly) to use other methods of stimulation to which he expressed repulsion or boredom. I am coming into acceptance now that this is not a choice he's made but rather it's just how he is wired. Still I get very angry at the fact that this is not something we can even discuss because he refuses.

And I miss sex. It took me years to get to the point where I felt I COULD enjoy sex and that I COULD have some control over when, how, and with whom I had it. This came after years of feeling like sex was something I was expected to do and not necessarily something that included love, respect, intimacy, etc. Finally, in my 30's, I broke through those beliefs, learned about boundaries, and began to experience for the first time what sexual intimacy really was. And I liked it. No...I loved it. And I just assumed that my husband and I would have it. More than that, I mistook what I know now were signs of his asexuality as signs of his interest in developing a deeper relationship before becoming sexual. I'd had very few experiences with anyone willing to wait for sex, so I took this as a sign that I'd finally found a man who respected me and who wanted something more than just a sexual relationship. This was all true, except that he really never wanted the sexual relationship at all. By his own admission, sex (with another person) is just not something he ever really thought about. Not even as a teenager. But he didn't tell me this up front. He didn't tell me this until one of our many screaming fights about sex during the third year of our marriage.

As I look back over the years (we've been married 5 years now), I can put all the pieces together and clearly see that more likely than not he is asexual. Knowing this should make it easier for me to accept our situation, but the fact that we can't discuss it openly keeps me feeling distant from him. Now, not only are we not sexually connected, but we're also not emotionally connected. Over and over I've read that communication is the key to making a mixed marriage work and the fact that he withdraws, shuts down completely, or gets so angry at the mere mention of the topic puts another layer of distance between us. I'm at a loss. I can't force him to discuss it. I've invited him (gently) many times and in many ways to help me understand what he's feeling, but he won't (can't?)? I honestly think he's in denial. I think he has so many misconceptions himself about what asexuality means that it terrifies him to consider the possibility.

I am thankful for this site because without it I would feel like the only one in the world going through this. I get tired of answering the question "why did you marry him" when I try to talk to my friends about our lack of sexual intimacy. It's nice to have a place where others feel what I'm feeling. I've recommended this site to the only friend I have who understands. He's a sexual homosexual man in a committed relationship (gay marriage isn't legal in his state) with an asexual homosexual man. Until I found this site he was the only one who understood what I was feeling because he felt it, too. Like me (and so many others) he knew nothing about asexuality. Here's to getting the word out and bringing awareness and support to those who are confused.

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  • 3 months later...
Off White Cat

Sexual (although I call myself Off-White since I don't conceptualize sex in the same way most sexuals do, long story) partnered to an ace.

All I have to say is that my deepest sympathy is with the people who have gone through anguish in years of partnership and not knowing about asexuality, and I feel so grateful now that my partner and I were able to realize this relatively early in our relationship and feel comfortable talking about it with one another.

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I'll join in here too:

Sexual man married to what I believe to be an asexual woman. We have a wonderful young daughter. We don't have, on the other hand, sex--at all (aside from when we decided it was time to have a kid, obviously).

Working on it.

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Im here because I believe im niether completely sexual or asexual. Well due to me having ED I can't really have sex as much as others. I've gotten used to not having sex much so I dont miss it that much at all. I'd like to learn about and possibly meet other's like me. Is there a term for someone who has both the qualities of a sexual and asexual? Oh by the way (directed at not-trapped) the type of relationship you have is what im looking for. A woman who wants a family but isen't really to interested in having sex much, congrats on the daughter.

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Im here because i believe im niether completely sexual or asexual (due to me having ED i can't really have sex as much as others but i've gotten used to not having much of it so i dont miss it to much)and would like to learn and meet others who are possibly like me. Is there a term for someone who has both the qualities of a sexual and asexual? Oh by the way not-trapped the type of relationship you have is kind of what im looking for...a woman who wants a family but isen't really to interested in having alot of sex, congrats on the daughter.

Don, having ED doesn't mean you're asexual, or even partly asexual. Asexuality has to do with not experiencing sexual attraction, not being unable to have sex.

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Im here because i believe im niether completely sexual or asexual (due to me having ED i can't really have sex as much as others but i've gotten used to not having much of it so i dont miss it to much)and would like to learn and meet others who are possibly like me. Is there a term for someone who has both the qualities of a sexual and asexual? Oh by the way not-trapped the type of relationship you have is kind of what im looking for...a woman who wants a family but isen't really to interested in having alot of sex, congrats on the daughter.

Don, having ED doesn't mean you're asexual, or even partly asexual. Asexuality has to do with not experiencing sexual attraction, not being unable to have sex.

I guess I ment that there's more of a chance that I will meet people here that are not interested in sex as much as sexual's. Due to this, there's more of a chance I'll someday run into a good woman who does not mind that I suffer from ED. It's very hard to meet sexuals who dont mind my situation. Well at first they'll say It's ok but sooner or later I'm sure it will be a problem. I understand im not fully asexual per say, I do have a low sex drive and never really been to sexual (partly due to my issue).

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Waterbottle20

I'll join in here too:

Sexual man married to what I believe to be an asexual woman. We have a wonderful young daughter. We don't have, on the other hand, sex--at all (aside from when we decided it was time to have a kid, obviously).

Working on it.

hey not trapped, I have a sorta personal question that you can ignore if you want to:

out of curiosity, did you go on a honeymoon with your wife? If so, how did she avoid the typical intimacy of a honeymoon without outwardly saying she was asexual? It seems to me that not having sex then would be a big statement.

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I'll join in here too:

Sexual man married to what I believe to be an asexual woman. We have a wonderful young daughter. We don't have, on the other hand, sex--at all (aside from when we decided it was time to have a kid, obviously).

Working on it.

hey not trapped, I have a sorta personal question that you can ignore if you want to:

out of curiosity, did you go on a honeymoon with your wife? If so, how did she avoid the typical intimacy of a honeymoon without outwardly saying she was asexual? It seems to me that not having sex then would be a big statement.

Let's see. Yes we did take a honeymoon. Wedding night: she cried after we had sex (idiot that I was, I took that as a GOOD sign). The next night, we did it and I don't remember anything about it. Third night, we tried a new position (nothing unusual, I promise) and she said it hurt so we stopped. She magically got her period after that so no more sex on the honeymoon--I didn't demand proof (why would I?).

So, we "tried" and then she "got her period." I wasn't suspicious at that point, although I was a tad disappointed. I had visions of spending a week in bed, like you often hear about. Oh well.

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Waterbottle20

I'll join in here too:

Sexual man married to what I believe to be an asexual woman. We have a wonderful young daughter. We don't have, on the other hand, sex--at all (aside from when we decided it was time to have a kid, obviously).

Working on it.

hey not trapped, I have a sorta personal question that you can ignore if you want to:

out of curiosity, did you go on a honeymoon with your wife? If so, how did she avoid the typical intimacy of a honeymoon without outwardly saying she was asexual? It seems to me that not having sex then would be a big statement.

Let's see. Yes we did take a honeymoon. Wedding night: she cried after we had sex (idiot that I was, I took that as a GOOD sign). The next night, we did it and I don't remember anything about it. Third night, we tried a new position (nothing unusual, I promise) and she said it hurt so we stopped. She magically got her period after that so no more sex on the honeymoon--I didn't demand proof (why would I?).

So, we "tried" and then she "got her period." I wasn't suspicious at that point, although I was a tad disappointed. I had visions of spending a week in bed, like you often hear about. Oh well.

well if she was a complete virgin beforehand it wouldn't be too too weird crying the first time, so I wouldn't say you're an idiot. So basically now it seems apparent that there's not ANY type of sex she likes to do? :(

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well if she was a complete virgin beforehand it wouldn't be too too weird crying the first time, so I wouldn't say you're an idiot. So basically now it seems apparent that there's not ANY type of sex she likes to do? :(

No, she wasn't. And we had done just about everything else up until then, including "putting it in" without any movement (sorry for the tmi) without any sort of outbursts, and more often than not at her insistence. I've got a long, long story but it comes down to this:

She was very sexual with me before marriage. It began to slack off close to the wedding. Cue the above scene we just read, and it's all gone down hill from there. Often, either she "wasn't in that place" or I was "being a perv" and after a while I just gave up.

We've been talking about it for a long time. Nothing concrete has been decided.

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Waterbottle20

well if she was a complete virgin beforehand it wouldn't be too too weird crying the first time, so I wouldn't say you're an idiot. So basically now it seems apparent that there's not ANY type of sex she likes to do? :(

No, she wasn't. And we had done just about everything else up until then, including "putting it in" without any movement (sorry for the tmi) without any sort of outbursts, and more often than not at her insistence. I've got a long, long story but it comes down to this:

She was very sexual with me before marriage. It began to slack off close to the wedding. Cue the above scene we just read, and it's all gone down hill from there. Often, either she "wasn't in that place" or I was "being a perv" and after a while I just gave up.

We've been talking about it for a long time. Nothing concrete has been decided.

That really sucks man... viewing you as a "perv" even once or twice for trying to start something with her is a pretty definite sign something's wrong... Hope you work something out.

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That really sucks man... viewing you as a "perv" even once or twice for trying to start something with her is a pretty definite sign something's wrong... Hope you work something out.

I just assumed I was falling victim to the cliche. It's well beyond that now. We're working on it, just not very quickly.

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I have been thinking of myself as heteroromantic Gray-A, but I guess I'm technically sexual, albeit a repulsed sexual. I guess that I'm a bit of an antisexual, which I am hesitant to admit due to the very negative connotation that the word "antisexual" has. So, why hang out on AVEN as opposed to an antisexual forum? Well, I have a few reasons for that. It seems like antisexuals have a reputation for being pretty extreme and elitist. I also get the impression that many would like to prevent everybody from engaging in sex. I, however, do not agree with that in any way. While I personally have a strong dislike of sex and no desire to ever experience it, I do not want to force others to have the same opinion as me. If people enjoy sex, then they have every right to engage in it. It isn't any of my business what people choose to do.

I apologize if I offended anybody with that little rant. I can't think of a way to word it right now without sounding like an asshole. I just hope that everybody understands that what I said is only my personal opinion and does not, to my knowledge, influence the way I think of anybody else.

The second reason I hang out on AVEN? Well, it's the most friendly internet community ever. That, and I've had conversations with so many cool people that I don't want to leave.

Also, I would much rather have cake than have sex, so I can kind of relate to alot of people here.

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I was Googling "cake" one day and this site randomly came up about seven pages in. So, I came here strictly for the cake.

No, seriously...my girlfriend is asexual. I wanted to learn more about this because I love her a lot and I want to make this work. And the more I've looked into asexuality, the more beautiful I find it. To just...not have to worry about that. To be entirely attracted to someone based on what really matters -- for romance, their character, personality, intelligence, sense of humor, to see someone as a "work of art" (as my girlfriend has said) and not someone you'd like to fuck...it's refreshing.

Her asexuality has made me question my own sexuality as well. I've never had much of an interest in sex...minimal at best, and my last relationship was awkward as hell in bed. My ex was...I would say overtly sexual. And that's one of the reasons it didn't work; I just wasn't comfortable with it. And even then, the only sexual attraction I've ever really felt was within a relationship which makes me think I may be demisexual. So, I'm thankful for my girlfriend and AVEN for helping me ask some questions and hopefully find [more] answers. :)

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Sexual here. I found this site because I was sure my X was a possible asexual (more than possible at this point). At the time I wanted to make it work. I was also dealing with my own issues and hang ups about sex. This site opened my eyes and made me see me and my X issues unrelated to sex which is why we could not stay together.

I stay in hopes to open the eyes of those in sexual/asexual relationships, to help the ones in good relation work them out, and help the ones in bad relationships realize they don't have to stay.

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I'm an aromantic sexual and I discovered AVEN when I googled asexuality. I was looking up asexuality because some of my friends have always described me as one, so I became curious about the term and that's what led me here. I thought I was asexual because I was never keen about having a bf or gf or any romantic relationship, but after going through some of the aromantic threads here, I now think I'm just a sexual that leans toward the aromantic side. xD

I had never joined a forum before, but after going on the chat and seeing they had NYC meetups, I joined up and have stayed ever since.

Honestly, I love this site because of the people. I can really relate to many of the stories told here. Love the chat too, the discussions, the cats...and....the CAKE! (Although in real life I don't like cake) xD

I also love the place because I can learn more about sexuality and asexuality without any pressure.

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sexual guy, I'm here because I've fallen in love with an asexual girl who probably doesn't even know she's asexual, or possibly even aromantic. I'm here trying to learn more about this so I can figure out how to go about telling her how I feel and to get her to understand that I know where she's coming from and that I won't pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do.

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I'm an aromantic sexual, although I wouldn't have known that term before I found the asexual community. I'm also polyamorous.

I'm here because the asexual community has lots of important things to say about sexuality and relationships that I think the sexual (and especially poly) world needs to hear.

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Im here because i believe im niether completely sexual or asexual (due to me having ED i can't really have sex as much as others but i've gotten used to not having much of it so i dont miss it to much)and would like to learn and meet others who are possibly like me. Is there a term for someone who has both the qualities of a sexual and asexual?

Pretty much describes me. I am sexual, but also have ED and other things going on; lol. I found this web site just a couple days ago and it's just one of the more refreshing places I've encountered lately. The people seem to be fun, friendly, and smart, and have helped me feel better about myself, which is a plus and something I was looking for. Thanks to the AVEN community.

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Well I had scanned this site after a few friend of mine told me he was asexual and I was curious. Fast forward a year or two and I started to suspect that he was crushing on me...which made me confused because I hadn't quite separated the asexual from aromantic. So I rediscovered this site and I've been lurking a lot. I don't often post though...maybe I could start posting more. It turned out that he did have a crush on me and we now have "a thing"...yeah thats what we've been calling our relationship to each other because none of the normal terms seemed to fit but yeah its nice to be here (especially with all the :cake: )

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I'm a hypersexual and I came onto this site a week ago, after many years of fighting my husband over sex. I'd been trying to find ways to explain why my husband was the only guy I knew that didn't want sex. And, maybe, to find other women who have felt hurt and abandoned like me. It's amazing how many women have been able to put into words how hard it's been. I've come to terms with my hypersexuality, but want to help my husband come to terms with his hyposexuality. That's actually a term I read for the first time on this site. I actually prefer it over 'asexuality'. Maybe it just makes me feel better to think that he'll want to make love to me sometime. It's been over 7mnths now since I've asked him for anything, and he hasn't made any moves towards me. Won't even french kiss me, only pecks. Strangely enough, I feel as if this site could help me more than him...when and if I can get up the nerve to get him to look.

Oh, can someone please explain to me the 'cake' thing?

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Stormy Wether

I'm a hypersexual and I came onto this site a week ago, after many years of fighting my husband over sex. I'd been trying to find ways to explain why my husband was the only guy I knew that didn't want sex. And, maybe, to find other women who have felt hurt and abandoned like me. It's amazing how many women have been able to put into words how hard it's been. I've come to terms with my hypersexuality, but want to help my husband come to terms with his hyposexuality. That's actually a term I read for the first time on this site. I actually prefer it over 'asexuality'. Maybe it just makes me feel better to think that he'll want to make love to me sometime. It's been over 7mnths now since I've asked him for anything, and he hasn't made any moves towards me. Won't even french kiss me, only pecks. Strangely enough, I feel as if this site could help me more than him...when and if I can get up the nerve to get him to look.

Oh, can someone please explain to me the 'cake' thing?

It's because asexuals think cake is better than sex. Some of us don't like cake but still think it's better than sex.

We can't say if your husband is asexual or not, but if he is, I'm sorry but he can't change any more than if he were gay.

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It's because asexuals think cake is better than sex. Some of us don't like cake but still think it's better than sex.

We can't say if your husband is asexual or not, but if he is, I'm sorry but he can't change any more than if he were gay.

I don't want him to change. He is who he is and he's the one I will love forever. What I'm hoping will change will be that he stops making promises to change, promises to make love to me more often, promises that he's not able to keep. Those promises get my hopes up, then I hurt more all over again when nothing changes.

I like cake; definitely not more than sex, tho :lol:

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I don't want him to change. He is who he is and he's the one I will love forever. What I'm hoping will change will be that he stops making promises to change, promises to make love to me more often, promises that he's not able to keep. Those promises get my hopes up, then I hurt more all over again when nothing changes.

This. This is what I've been trying to say here for weeks. Well, change "he" to "she" of course.

Thanks for saying the right words.

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I don't want him to change. He is who he is and he's the one I will love forever. What I'm hoping will change will be that he stops making promises to change, promises to make love to me more often, promises that he's not able to keep. Those promises get my hopes up, then I hurt more all over again when nothing changes.

You should tell him exactly that. Tell him promises that can't be kept don't help anything. If he still feels he must make promises, try not to believe them. I made promises years ago because I knew my partner wanted to believe them, and I wanted to please him by saying them, even though I knew I couldn't keep them.

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somewhere_else

Hummz. Lemme see.

(Firstly I'm worried...have I already posted to this thread? LOL. Why does it seem familiar? Oh well. You can all laugh if I did once already and didn't bother to check so am doing it again....)

I came here because I found out about affectional orientation, having believed myself (sexually) hetero for all my life until a few months ago - but knowing that I'd always really, really liked women. And fell in love with them.

This was the only place I could find where you could talk about that. (Not to mention in an intelligent way.)

I also hoped, if I found out that I was homoromantic but heterosexual, that I might have a chance of meeting and getting to know some asexual women. There are no women that I know 'out there' in my 'real life' that might have the same interests or feelings as I do, and I need to be able to talk to some and meet some. Just...basically 'finding my own kind,' you know?

Even though over the past few months I've discovered more about myself and opened up to the want/idea of being sexual with a woman, I still feel like I could do that either/or thing of either a relationship with a sexual or asexual woman, if she was romantically/emotionally attracted to women, like me.

Anyway, for me, being here is about being able to talk about this stuff openly without feeling overly self-conscious, and about meeting people like me & who can understand me - and whom I can understand. It's about joining and being a part of that 'community.' I haven't been here a whole lot so far, but I keep checking in. And I'd like to make more friends here. I'm pretty alone with this 'differentness' in my local community, and I really do need the company of others in my boat. Even if my boat is a kayak in a pool filled more with dingies.

LOL That sounded vaguely insulting, somehow... :blush: (Totally not intented!)

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You should tell him exactly that. Tell him promises that can't be kept don't help anything. If he still feels he must make promises, try not to believe them. I made promises years ago because I knew my partner wanted to believe them, and I wanted to please him by saying them, even though I knew I couldn't keep them.

I've told him that many times. Both in letter form and face-to-face. How do I get this man that does everything in his power to take care of me and make me happy understand that accepting the truth and telling it to me, no matter how hard, is better than lying to make me feel better? Does that make sense? That no matter how hard the truth is, it's always preferable to a loving lie.

It's strange. I'd thought I'd come to terms with the differences in our sexualities last year. We've had a year of no fights or physical expectations, more fun together just focused around our family. I haven't been nearly as depressed, sad or longing for affection since making the decision to stop asking him for physical attention. Now that I'm thinking of bringing up the 'talk' again, and getting great advice from everyone here, I'm getting depressed again. I miss his touch, and the ability to show my love physically. It's making me rethink confronting him, but I feel as if there's this elephant in the bedroom that we're just ignoring. We've always been proud of our communication skills, and that elephant is kinda disproving our beliefs.

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Then you need to word it a little more harshly, I'm sad to say.

Don't say, "I'm tired of you making promises you won't keep,"; instead, say, "I'm tired of you building me false hope, and then letting me down."

It's a more negative way to say it, unfortunately, but it will frame what his constant broken promises really mean for you.

Follow up with, "I'd rather hear the hard truth, so I can accept it and start to deal with it, than a gentle lie which will only hurt me more in the long run when I feel misled by you, again."

Sometimes harshness is required to communicate. Sad, but true. :(

P.

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