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What is "asexual elitism" and why does AVEN discourage it?


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  • 2 weeks later...
notinejghafa

I explain it like skydiving, with the act of falling through the sky being sex, and being on a plane = being in a romantic relationship. 

You don't have to be on a plane to fall through the sky - BASE jumping, anyone? And you don't have to skydive to be in a plane. If you want to skydive but don't want to do it with anyone in particular, that's like an asexual who has a libido. I could go on, but the rest isn't relevant to this particular forum. 

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  • 4 months later...
22 hours ago, NightLight said:

wearing an ace ring is just a way of showing subtle pride. It's not elitist, just as wearing a rainbow pin on your handbag isn't elitist. It's just a way to show that you are proud of who you are, isn't it? It also serves to show other people like you that they are not alone, and that you are a safe person to approach to others who might be like you.

strongly agree with this.

by wearing a black ring you are never implying that you are better or a "true" asexual so there is nothing elitist about it.

The same goes for gay rings, nothing elitist about showing pride in a subtle way.

 

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Janus the Fox

Technically any symbol can be considered elitist, whatever it is, it differs by the idea behind it.  If the idea is just visibility sake then it's just a ring.  Sure, somebody can use a symbol for their elitism ideals if there are any, otherwise it's like comparing a wedding ring as a symbol of romantic love to another person.

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  • 2 months later...

Thanks for pointing it out! So many people I've talked to don't understand the definition of asexual! They're like "but how can you masturbate if you're asexual?" etc. It annoys me so much, since I have a libido and I do things on my own. But that doesn't have anything to do that I don't feel sexually attracted to people. This is probably the misconception I've heard the most about asexuality and I'm so tired about it. I even did a Youtube video about it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYAt1MfReok This is the link, but it's in German.

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Gonna be honest, when I first read this title I thought it was talking about referring to asexuality as the "best" sexuality

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  • 3 months later...
Stephanieprdo
On 6/23/2010 at 5:26 AM, sindi said:

That makes very much sense! (I'm reading this post again now that I'm not sleepy anymore, and wow, it's like a new post I've never read before :lol::lol: And a great one, besides :) )

The part I didn't understand when I was new on AVEN, was that some asexuals who have sex even enjoy the act itself (not talking about masturbation but "real" sex)... :unsure: Now I know that it's possible, that aces who enjoy sex are still just as asexual, whether or not you enjoy the act of sex has nothing to do with the definition of asexuality and so on... Now I know all this.

But I have to admit, that the idea is still hard to really grasp (like... internalize and deeply understand) for me - I mean, I can't imagine myself in that situation, that I'd enjoy sex itself although I didn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone.

But on the other hand, I can't even imagine myself in the situation of a common sexual, who has a strong desire to have sex with people they're attracted to... so maybe my "skill to imagine myself in situations" doesn't matter :P

It would be interesting (and hopefully enlightening :) ) to hear someone, who likes sex (not only to please their partner but in other ways too) but feels no attraction, to describe how it is to feel that way, though. But I understand that it could be just as impossible as to get me understand how it is to be sexual, and I've given up the hope to ever fully understand it :lol:

Hi! I think this may be me.

I have sex with my partner because he really feels like doing that. I don't, but I try to be supportive of it when I see that it is going in that direction. And very rarely, I will sometimes make the first move because I know it means something to him. And in that alone, I find a lot of joy. He does the same for me. He also tries really really hard to not have sex, for me. And this also makes him feel good.

 

During sex I also want to be present with him and I do this by focusing on the things I do enjoy like; hugging him, being with him, or even sometimes making fun of something during sex. So I am able to enjoy the sexual activity in my own way, and for myself. Not just to please him.

 

It also feels good to be loved. Sex is not just about feeling sexual attraction and doing it. Sometimes there is love. And it so happens that one of the ways he expresses his love for me is through sex. We talk a lot about his sexual attraction towards me, and this has helped me understand what it means to him and also understand that he can not control his sexual attraction because it is linked to his feelings for me. Althought I may not relate to his experience, I can relate to his love. And when someone you love expresses love towards you, that feels good. 🙂 So yes, I like sex because of these things but I still don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. I don't need to feel sexually attracted to him to enjoy everything else that a sexual activity has to offer.

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  • 2 months later...

I am new here, but I say I fully agree. I like the definition being generally based on attraction. First of all, that makes it consistent with "heterosexual", "homosexual", "bisexual", and other "-sexual" words. Elegant, clean, easy to remember language. I like that.

Second of all, basing it purely (!) on the amount of actual sex does not seem that helpful. Don't we have the word "virgin" for that, anyway (ignoring all the cultural baggage that this word brings)?

 

 

Also, I very much like the idea of intentionally keeping the definition of asexuality pretty broad. In that you don't have to be "100% asexual" or be 100% sure you never ever even felt a tiny bit of attraction when, let's say, 95% is still "close enough" (just an example number).

I like the concept of the asexual umbrella, it's pretty pragmatic. I also think strictness doesn't really work anyway since asexuality is about the absense of something and you can never really proof a negative but the beauty is that you don't have to do that.

 

As for me, I think I am probably a "perfect" asexual in the sense that might qualify as asexual even under a very strict and narrow definition. However, I do NOT want to be elisitst about it or "brag" about it or say that I am superior. Being like this just feels like being an asshole. I don't want to be an asshole. I only bring it up to make a point that even if I "pass" a strict definition, I would oppose it. Sexuality should not be a competition, it should be just about being yourself. The community would certainly be much smaller with such a strict definition but also be a lot less diverse. I am quite surprised to see how diverse this community is and also how many words there are too learn. :D

 

Another problem I would see with a strict definition is the people that don't quite make the "cut-off point" don't really have their own community anymore, unless they start their own. This kind of splitting doesn't seem healthy.

 

So yeah, I see a lot of problems when being too strict with a definition of asexuality, both pragmatically and socially.

 

I think it was a good, smart, pragmatic decision to keep the definitions relatively open and broad and not ultra-strict. ^_^

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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 months later...
Chitinous-Roach

Ngl, I know this post is old as all heck, but I feel like this is still relevant and it's been 11 years. People in a server I used to be in (year 2020, mind you) literally implied that asexuality is just people turning sexual dysfunction into a sexuality, and I believe it's because they assumed that people "decide" to be aces due to having a "low libido." 😐

 

Like, while I'm not asexual and more like gray-ace, I can say for certain that I have a HIGH libido. People can be horny and still not find people fuckable.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I just came from another post where people where literally saying all the things you posted in here and I'm so grateful for landing on your post, it pretty much clarified things to me so thank you!

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  • 9 months later...
  • 10 months later...

Just in case anyone new happens upon this very old thread (like I did), I thought I would add a perspective from an asexual who enjoys and initiates sex with others. I have never experienced sexual attraction, but I enjoy having sex with a partner because I desire an intimate and emotional connection with them and one of the ways I get that is through sex. But I'm still not sexually attracted to them as a person. I will never ever look at a partner and think they're sexy or feel turned on by seeing them or anything like that. It's never going to happen. But I desire sex with them 1) as an outlet because I'm still a sexual being, and 2) (and more importantly) as a way to connect with them on an extremely intimate and emotional level. 
I'll give an example that may be helpful. I was in a relationship a number of years back where we had a very active sex life that we both enjoyed. But one day, a little over a year into our relationship, he brought up to me that I "didn't make him feel attractive". I didn't know I was asexual at the time and had no idea what he was talking about. He tried explaining it a number of times. It didn't make sense to me. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything I could to let him know I loved him and wanted to be with him. But that wasn't what he was talking about. A number of years later, after I learned that I was asexual, I thought back to that and understood what he meant. I didn't make him "feel sexy". Because to me, he wasn't. Nobody is. Nothing he did, nothing he wore, nothing he said, ever made him "feel sexy" to me, and that made him feel unattractive. We had sex, enjoyed sex, and both initiated it. But I was never going to see him as sexually attractive. 

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