This is confusing.

[Imogen]

Hey all. First I'd just like to say that I've read bits and pieces of this forum, and really enjoy the community and have already expanded my knowledge regarding gender from just the small amount I've read. If what I'm about to talk about has already been discussed or belongs somewhere else, I apologize.

So, yeah. I'm a girl, and I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. Naturally, he recently began kind of nudgingly hinting at his sexual desires... to which I've given into(for his sake). It's really nothing big, I don't mind it, really. But I cant help but feel frustrated, because I want to WANT to be sexual with him. I understand that's the norm of many of you in relationships. But the catch with me, is that while I love my boyfriend, deeply, and am un arroused by him(I normally need to drink to create a facade of a mood...), I'm very sexually attracted to women...

Yeah.

But I don't think I'm really a lesbian, because I've never felt an emotional bond with a woman. I guess I just dont feel the same potential as far as love goes with women. But I find them very sexually stimulating. I know this is really gonna sound familiar, but I imagine women when I'm with my boyfriend. Suddenly, "bluffin' with my muffin' takes a much more manifested and serious meaning... My boyfriend doesn't know about this, and I haven't the heart to tell him. It's a bit saddening to think about. That I wont be able to REALLY explore all there is as far as truly enjoying what I wish I could with the one I love while also having those desires all around me, but out of reach(I don't want to cheat on him, even if it is purely for sex). It's just complicated, and I've only recently come to realize that I'm like this. My boyfriend is wonderful. I just wish I wanted to make love to him the way he does to me(I know you all understand that part...).

Is there a word for this? Is anybody else like this?

Thanks for any replies.

xx

[newgirl]

i found this question on Yahoo.

I'm a straight woman woman but fantasize about woman ,am i gay?

It's hard to say without more detail. It strikes me that often straight women are forever obsessing about how they and other women look, and are generally more touchy-feely with other women than men are with men. You are maybe just taking that a little further maybe by exploring that in your fantasies.

Fantasy is one thing - but do you want to act out your fantasy in the real world?

(Believe me, there are plenty of things I have sexual fantasies about but would never want to act out in reality, because the consequences and how it would be like in reality would be different from how it would be in pure fantasy! A fantasy is a fantasy unless you want to take it further)

[Guest]

The thing about asexuals is we don't want to want sex, unless it's just for the sake of making partners happy. Honestly, you sound like a lesbian who has issues with it. Asexuals aren't sexually attracted at all, but you are sexually attracted to women. You're still welcome here, but I don't think we can really help you with what you need. Maybe if you tried dating women, you would find an emotional connection? All is I know is it's practically impossible to change one's orientation. Good luck.

[jow]

Obviously I'm not you, so I can't tell you a sure-fire answer.

But I will say that it does happen that your sexual orientation and your romantic orientation don't have to match. So it is possible to be homosexual and heteroromantic, for instance.

I cant help but feel frustrated, because I want to WANT to be sexual with him...I just wish I wanted to make love to him the way he does to me

Yeah I empathise with you on that part, but as killjoy said, I'm not sure it can change =/

[newgirl]

I think this topic can be "tricky" for some women because there are some straight women who fantasize about having sex with women but have no interest in being in a relationship with women in "real" life. Imogen say she doesn't feel any emotional bond with women in real life but fantasize about being with women. I understand how Imogen feel about questioning your fantasy, am i gay,bisexual or straight for having these fantasy feeling. For me, i enjoy watching all porn especially lesbian porn and I also fantasy about using a strap on with a woman but in real life, i want a man with a penis emotional and physically. I guess, Imogen needs to figure out how STRONG is her women desires. Does she desire to have sex with a woman or man outside of her fantasy? Maybe emotionally in a relationship Imogen bonds better with men and only sexually with women (fantasy or non fantasy)? Does that make you bisexual or lesbian, i don't know.

P.S Don be afraid to explore your sexuality and find out who you are? I never thought i would explore my sexuality with any sexual man because i thought i was 100% asexual but here i am hugging and kissing my male sexual friend. I realize hanging around my male friend that I'm a gray asexual with limited sexual needs. I still have my women fantasy but i also want a man with a penis. :lol:

[Imogen]

But I will say that it does happen that your sexual orientation and your romantic orientation don't have to match. So it is possible to be homosexual and heteroromantic, for instance.

Yeah I empathise with you on that part, but as killjoy said, I'm not sure it can change =/

Yeah, that sounds about right. I just think it's so weird, especially since it just so happens to be something I probably am, lol. It's like my genes got messed up or something. Romantically interested in men and sexually interested in women? Just so uncanny. It's unfortunate, but not the worst thing, I suppose. I don't think that I'm "sick", but I wonder if I should talk to someone about this.

Right, I wasn't really looking for a "like penis" pill or anything, haha. Was more interested in further identifying myself and also curious as to if anybody else has similar feelings. Apparently, not. Well, not exactly anyway. The reason I chose to come here with my feelings was because while, yes, I do feel sexual desires, I DO consider myself to be in an asexual relationship, and willingly. Since I apparently have to choose between romantic satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, I'd rather have the romance. Just so we're clear, I AM in love with my boyfriend. Very much so. It isn't a lesbian-male friend relationship- it's a real romantic relationship. I'm not at all "confused" about that. I just so happen to not like his penis... and am confused as to WHY I'm like this. Not that there will be a reason. Genetics, I suppose. And for further clarity's sake, the attraction to women isn't really in the fantasy realm- I'm just genuinely sexually attracted to them.

As far as exploring to further find myself- I'm in a happy relationship currently, and as I said, I really doubt that I can love a woman the way that I do a man. Granted, I haven't tried, but I dont' find myself "swooning" over women, or finding little things they do cute and attractive. I haven't been interested in them in any other way than sexually.

Haha, I hope I made how I feel clear. I'm not always the best at expressing things. But I do want to reiterate that I'm very serious about these feelings. Thankyou for your kind replies, and again, I'm sorry if this isn't exactly in the right place, but in reading other threads I felt as though you'd respond intelligently and kindly and with open mindedness.

xx

[Sally]

I wonder if you shouldn't just allow yourself to pursue a sexual encounter with another woman, just to see what you feel. You can't really say that because you're in love with a man now, that you absolutely couldn't ever love a woman the same way. But if you don't explore how you'd feel with at least a sexual relationship with a woman, you're always going to wonder what could happen.

I doubt if talking with anyone (if you mean a counselor) is going to do anything for you, because counselors can't really change sexual or romantic feelings; they can just help you get more comfortable with them.

Some of us asexuals are or have been in love with sexuals, so we understand that romantic feelings don't necessarily mean sexual feelings. But still, you might be able to get both at once with a woman.

[Peppermint Mally]

I'm confused. I thought this was a forum for asexuals.

[Dubravka]

I'm confused. I thought this was a forum for asexuals.

It is, but many people who come here are confused about and/or questioning their identity and are seeking honest, non-judgmental answers. Some of these individuals turn out to be truly asexual, some don't. Even if it turns out they're not really asexual, they're still welcome to stick around if they feel comfortable here. AVEN also has many sexual members who joined because they're in relationships with ace partners or because they want to be allies to the asexual community in general. AVEN is first and foremost an asexual forum, but that doesn't mean people of other orientations aren't welcome to join (unless they're trolls).

OP, I'll have to echo what others have stated and say that you don't really sound asexual to me. The definition of asexuality is "someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction," so you're not asexual if you feel sexual attraction towards women (or anyone else, for that matter). We asexuals are also happy with the way we are and don't really want to want sex, as Killjoy said earlier. As to the feelings you're experiencing, I'd say it's entirely possible that you could be a bisexual who feels different types/degrees of attraction toward men and women, if that makes sense.

[michaeld]

I'm confused. I thought this was a forum for asexuals.

Further to what Dubravka said, the insight that one's romantic and sexual orientations do not necessarily have to coincide is probably better understood in the asexual community than anywhere else, for rather obvious reasons. Moreover, the implications of this have been very well explored by many here. So I'd say the OP has come to exactly the right place!