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Romantic asexuals, do you ever think...


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#1 Library Cat

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 10:57 PM

That maybe, you fall in love more easily than normal people?

I'll use myself as an example.

I'm a panromantic asexual. I don't think looks are important, because I don't feel attracted to someone who's "hot" any more or less than someone who's "plain". I mean, I guess if I had to live with you the rest of my life, it would be nice if you didn't have an extra ear on your forehead or something, but in all honesty I can say I'm not picky. Also, I'm panromantic, I can fall in love with any sex, because the body doesn't concern me, its the person that uses it.

As a result, I think that unlike most people, who look at others, feel attraction, and then start to develop feelings, I skip the first step and start to develop feelings for people I just think are pleasant personalities.

Normally, I can find something I don't like about the other person (romantic potential-wise) and the feelings fade away, but the fact that they erupt to start with, and so quickly, makes me wonder... is this normal? Is it because I'm asexual?

I've also been thinking about it more now, because recently I made a friend online, and we hit it off as friends really well. I look forward to when she logs on so I can talk to her. She's told me that she looks forward to talking to me too, and that I'm her best friend. I think she's adorable, and we have this understanding about each other. I call her my "little sister", hoping that it'll convince myself that she's just a friend, but there's just this fondness... I wouldn't call it love, because I think love takes more time than we've known each other to develop, but I'm afraid something will mold, and that I'll fall for her, and I don't want anything to hurt this friendship. Sigh...

Has anyone else experienced this? Do you know what I'm saying?

#2 BazingaDragon

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:03 PM

Well, if you're not normal, you are certainly not alone. I'm heteromantic, but everything else is the same. More often than not, it goes unexpressed.
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#3 prettyeyes

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:06 PM

Well, I hardly ever even like someone romantically, but when I do, I fall fast and hard. It usually comes back to bite me on the arse too. I'm starting to wonder if I'm even suited for monogamy.

#4 Gho St Ory Qwan

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:10 PM

Same here too. I was vaguely aware of it, but reading your words has made me be able to mentally verbalise the feelings. So yeah, I'm exactly the same and I think it's closely linked to being asexual. It certainly corresponds to the easy forming affections and such.
However as a result I'm not swept away by people often in the chemical reaction sort of way that most people have probably due to chemicals being released due to sexual attraction. Lacking that might explain why I very very rarely 'fall in love', its just a deep fondness, sometimes it fades, other times it doesn't. I might also explain why if they fall in love with another I lack capacity of getting jealous or upset. I'm simply happy for them and sad for them when things don't work and such. As thought jealousy might also be some chemical reaction to the sexuality possessive behaviour people tend to develop.
Perhaps. =/
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#5 Sleeping Beauty

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:24 PM

You know that actually I did and not only once?
I find myself very easy at romantic crushes even if I am conscious the person is not right. Of course I don't try my luck every time but I noticed this.

#6 Larien

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:35 PM

YES. I'm panromantic too, and I am exactly the same way. I'm glad you posted this, because it's always made me feel like a pushover, and I'm glad it's not just me. It occasionally interferes with my friendships and relationships, too; I've actually had to distance myself from a few of my best friends in the past because of it, which then makes me miserable and "want" them even more at first. Or I'll try to nose around and find something that I don't like about someone's personality in order for it to go away.

I do tend to get protective of my best friends, so hopefully that's all they really notice. <_<
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#7 greendragoness

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:41 PM

I don't know if its just cause I'm really ready to fall in love at the moment, but I've been quite quick to develop attractions of late. I guess that, with asexuals, the principle force in a relationship is emotional compatibility. This means that any time you get close to someone, you're quite likely to fall in love. Though of course its possible to have good friends you're not not romantically attached to, for me at least, being in a friendship with a woman with certain personality traits invariably leads me to develop some degree of romantic attachment. Non-romantic friendships can only exist where these traits are absent.
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#8 anowink

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Posted 15 May 2010 - 11:43 PM

I guess I'll be the odd one out. I don't think I fall in love fast at all. It takes a really long time for a crush to develop, and then after that it usually stays at just that level. Any feelings I have fade easily too. The one person I could have fallen for just made me really happy, but after a month he made me really miserable. But I'm pretty cynical, so I try to keep myself away from those sorts of feelings to begin with.

#9 beyondweird

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 12:03 AM

I'll ensure leeny isn't the odd one out!

I get to like people pretty quickly as friends, but as for falling in love? Hell no, it takes something really particular and special for me.
In fact, I apparently am more cynical/less likely too than half my sexual friends!

#10 Ninny

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 12:16 AM

Yeah, I'm capable for falling for anyone, regardless of sex or appearance, you're not alone :) To me at least I do think its related to my being Ase

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#11 ThePieMaker

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 12:39 AM

I do not fall in love fast, I'm not even convinced I fall in love. Well, I've never been in love for sure. And I've been quite enamored with a couple people in my day, but even those took time to cultivate. There's the initial infatuation, but that's hardly grounds for love, and it always takes time to admit to myself how much I like someone.
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#12 narwhal

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 12:47 AM

Yeah, I'm not pan romantic, but i don't really look at people's good looks and i start to like them. Sure small infatuations but not the same feelings i would when I'm in a relationship. I really don't care what they look like, i fall for the personality not the face first. It normally takes a while for me to start having real feelings for someone. :lol:

#13 daveb

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 01:41 AM

I do not fall in love fast, I'm not even convinced I fall in love. Well, I've never been in love for sure. And I've been quite enamored with a couple people in my day, but even those took time to cultivate. There's the initial infatuation, but that's hardly grounds for love, and it always takes time to admit to myself how much I like someone.


Mostly this. Count me in with leeny and beyondweird, too.

I do take a long time to get to know anyone and longer to develop any sort of closeness. I might develop an infatuation quickly because that can be based on something fairly superficial, like a ready smile aimed at me. Even that doesn't happen often, nor has it happened in quite a while now. Even crushes usually take time to develop for me. But actual love, no, not fast at all!
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#14 Jazmin

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 01:55 AM

I'm also not too sure about the falling-in-love with people thing. It actually takes me really long to get to that stage, if ever. But I can start liking someone (platonically or just in general) quite easily, especially if they are friendly or nice or interesting to talk to. I'll look forward to chatting with them and seeing them. I'd say it's more like a squish, as opposed to a crush. But it's nothing romantic.

#15 Library Cat

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 03:29 AM

Judging by some of your replies, I'm beginning to think I'm just hugely the romantic type. XD Or I'm just overflowing with love, waiting to be hugged so it can get squeezed out, lol.

These are interesting answers, keep them coming.

#16 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 04:30 AM

Well, I hardly ever even like someone romantically, but when I do, I fall fast and hard.

Yeah, same. Mind you, I have to know someone as a friend first, but when there's an attraction there, it all happens pretty quickly. That being said, I'm fairly certain I don't fall in love easily at all. One, 'love' is a strong word, and I've only ever experienced that level of feeling for someone once; crushes are nothing in comparison. Two, I'm pretty picky. It takes a hell of a lot of compatibility on many levels for me to care that deeply for someone. So falling in love easily? Not really.

Edit: Also, I'm not panromantic.
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#17 Awsm4all

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 04:45 AM

I just joined the site today, so I'm still trying to figure things out, haha. I've just introduced myself to the idea that I might be asexual. Your experiences sound remarkably similar to mine. There have been two guys in my lifetime (I'm 21 and female) that I met either on an internet dating site or through a friend. I talked with both of them for a long time and I really loved their personalities. But when I met them in person, any thought of developing romantic feelings seemed to dissolve away. I'm not saying that the same thing may happen for you if you should decide to meet this girl of yours in person. You two may decide to kick it up to a romantic level and find out that you love it.

Myself, I find myself falling in "love" with people's personalities rather than their looks. I can't stand the thought of a man touching me sexually. I've never been abused or harmed by any man (although I sympathize whole-heartedly with women who have). But I haven't had a serious relationship either. My first kiss occurred approximately two months ago with one of the men mentioned earlier. We went out on a few dates, all of which were decidedly platonic. And then I went over to his apartment to watch a couple movies. The second he tried to tickle me and cuddle, I played along because I thought I liked him well enough. I thought that maybe some trigger would switch on inside my mind and that I would suddenly like him more. But it never happened. We kissed and I felt nothing for him.

My friends called it a "first kiss glitch." That's what I would say too had it not been an echo of the feelings I've had with other men before. I love them for their minds, I love hanging out with them, but I'm revolted by the idea of having sex with them. Hugging is okay, I like hugging just fine, but sex?

I do love a good romance with plenty of emotion. I would love to connect with someone deeply on an emotional level and through that, maybe lead up to cuddling. I completely understand what you mean by saying you adore someone, maybe have even deeper feelings for them. I can easily fall in love with someone's mind before I fall in love with their body (although I confess I may be a little pickier than you when it comes to looks. Sad, but true. But if they are nice to me, I will be nothing but nice to them too).

#18 Alva

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 04:50 AM

I've been "in love" twice. The first took quite a while to blossom. The other happened instantly: Love at first site, if you will.

I tend to make friends fairly easy, even get all twitter paited... But as far as being in love -- true love -- no. It takes time for such a thing to develop and mature.

But maybe that's just me ;)
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#19 98slbrookes98

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 07:09 AM

I'm homoromantic. I would say that yes I do fall in love easilly but not too easilly. I might be immediately attracted to a woman baswed on her physical appearance but its only once I have got to know her that I can know whether its a crush or love. I've only falen in love twice - once in rl asnd stayed inlove from the age of 9 till the age of 21. Then I fell in love with one of my two SL (Second Life) best friends in June and when I saw her again yesterday for the first time in three weeks the old feelings came flooding back. I have had crushes though on one or two teachers, my stepmother (when I was 12) and on a childhood friend (when I was 21).
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#20 Sleeping Beauty

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 11:10 AM

Well, I see people is talking about love. Err, I intended it more like a wish to get emotionally and romantically involved with a person on an external level, not love. In this I am really easy, not love.

#21 jow

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 04:58 PM

For me it happens with two types of people:

1) People that are hot and have no personality or character to speak of. I like them from a distance (so to speak) then as soon as we get closer I realise that there is nothing there and it goes pretty quickly.

2) Guys who say nice things. I'm a sucker for this, and it's awful. Usually it happens with people I've met/I talk to online as well, which isn't so good. I fall in love with their words and how they are and when it's too late (they want to go out) I realise that either we can't because of who I am, or that I don't find them physically attractive. Like, there's no emotion for it.

Guess I need a guy who's a mix of the two, but I'm not entirely sure they exist...
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#22 Awsm4all

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 05:48 PM

For me it happens with two types of people:

1) People that are hot and have no personality or character to speak of. I like them from a distance (so to speak) then as soon as we get closer I realise that there is nothing there and it goes pretty quickly.

2) Guys who say nice things. I'm a sucker for this, and it's awful. Usually it happens with people I've met/I talk to online as well, which isn't so good. I fall in love with their words and how they are and when it's too late (they want to go out) I realise that either we can't because of who I am, or that I don't find them physically attractive. Like, there's no emotion for it.

Guess I need a guy who's a mix of the two, but I'm not entirely sure they exist...


For the record, I know exactly how you feel. :) I'm exactly like what you just described.

#23 Percy McKean

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Posted 16 May 2010 - 05:58 PM

Since I am initially distrusting of people, I do not develop crushes very easily. What ends up happening most of the time is I will get very strong feelings of friendship, and an intense desire to know someone better because I find them interesting. After a time, the intensity of the feelings diminish, so that instead of winding up with dozens of crushes and tossed away romances, I make very close friends that remain close despite distance or disagreements. But love, not so much. I think my "friend crushes" have only matured past friendship once and a half. The half was not reciprocated, so it went back into friendship.
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#24 Kasbunny

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Posted 17 May 2010 - 02:04 AM

Oh, geez, I am exactly the same way. And even though I keep telling myself "nothing I experience has not been experienced before", I always feel like I'm the only one who feels the way I do about things, haha. And while I do care for a certain degree of physical attractiveness, it's more so... that the person look well-groomed and such, showing that they take care of themselves, you know? Not like, oh that person is so ugly or something. But even if someone isn't just super aesthetically pleasing to me, if they have a nice personality, I'll probably fall for them. I get crushes on people all the time, at the drop of a hat.

It is a pain when you get a crush on a friend, though. Because you want to just be friends, but things about them just make you so much happier than just a friend would be. I mean, I don't always crush on people, but when I do, it's fast and furious. It'll last for ages before I'm over it. ^^;
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#25 Library Cat

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Posted 17 May 2010 - 02:23 AM

Oh, geez, I am exactly the same way. And even though I keep telling myself "nothing I experience has not been experienced before", I always feel like I'm the only one who feels the way I do about things, haha. And while I do care for a certain degree of physical attractiveness, it's more so... that the person look well-groomed and such, showing that they take care of themselves, you know? Not like, oh that person is so ugly or something. But even if someone isn't just super aesthetically pleasing to me, if they have a nice personality, I'll probably fall for them. I get crushes on people all the time, at the drop of a hat.

It is a pain when you get a crush on a friend, though. Because you want to just be friends, but things about them just make you so much happier than just a friend would be. I mean, I don't always crush on people, but when I do, it's fast and furious. It'll last for ages before I'm over it. ^^;


Yes. I am exactly the same. You worded me perfectly!

#26 Farfetcher

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Posted 19 May 2010 - 05:50 AM

I dunno, it all depends on the person for me. I've only been in two relationships total throughout my entire life, and I've only really felt interested in four (two being said individuals from relationships). I guess four is a lot or something. Anyway! Some people have a really nice personality that I find myself drawn to, but drawn to in a different way than as "just a friend;" like I want to share something with them, y'know? It's almost like a step above being "best best friends," like you can talk to this person about anything, even if you think it might offend them.

Haha, I dunno, it's hard to explain. I guess I'd be panromantic, just because one of the attractions was female, while the other three were all male. I'd like to say I just wanted to be really close friends to the individuals in question, but it definitely went above and beyond that in ways I don't think I can explain. Has anyone else felt that way?

#27 AGLET

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Posted 19 May 2010 - 10:13 PM

I get romantic feelings a lot more easily than most people (since I usually feel something right away), but a lot less often. In theory, looks and personality matter to me, but... whenever I like someone, it just happens. (Although the people that it "just happens" with have always been at least fairly good-looking and nice.) Er... intuition?

#28 lindi

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Posted 22 May 2010 - 10:01 AM

Normally, I can find something I don't like about the other person (romantic potential-wise) and the feelings fade away, but the fact that they erupt to start with, and so quickly, makes me wonder... is this normal? Is it because I'm asexual?


This happens to me a lot! For a while I think I have a crush on somebody, but soon I realize that I don't like them that much after all, and afterwards I don't even count it as a real crush. I also like to play with thoughts - like imagining myself in a relationship, or falling in love with some of my friends. I could say that I'm often just "playing with feelings" <-but not the feelings of someone else but myself! And I might get so absorbed into my imaginary feelings (I'm a hopeless dreamer, sigh... ), that I start to take them for real... :unsure: The thing that separates those little "play-crushes" from real ones is, that when I really have a crush the feelings are sometimes almost too strong to handle and once I've really fallen in love I just can't forget that person for ages...
But yes, what comes to brief, non-serious crushes, I think I get them easier than average...

#29 Library Cat

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Posted 23 May 2010 - 04:52 AM


Normally, I can find something I don't like about the other person (romantic potential-wise) and the feelings fade away, but the fact that they erupt to start with, and so quickly, makes me wonder... is this normal? Is it because I'm asexual?


This happens to me a lot! For a while I think I have a crush on somebody, but soon I realize that I don't like them that much after all, and afterwards I don't even count it as a real crush. I also like to play with thoughts - like imagining myself in a relationship, or falling in love with some of my friends. I could say that I'm often just "playing with feelings" <-but not the feelings of someone else but myself! And I might get so absorbed into my imaginary feelings (I'm a hopeless dreamer, sigh... ), that I start to take them for real... :unsure: The thing that separates those little "play-crushes" from real ones is, that when I really have a crush the feelings are sometimes almost too strong to handle and once I've really fallen in love I just can't forget that person for ages...
But yes, what comes to brief, non-serious crushes, I think I get them easier than average...



Exactly. And, I think that for once out of a blue moon, I'm having a real crush. x.x I have found things I'm not crazy about in this person, and I STILL can't stop my feelings. Bleh. I wish there was an on/off switch. *sigh*

#30 Sir Oliver

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Posted 25 May 2010 - 11:06 PM

:D I know what you're saying. I'm panromantic. I get crushes easily but I think I get a crush on their personality. Like... When someone's nice and funny, I like them easily. I wouldn't say "fall in love" because, at the moment, I am in love with someone. I think I fell in lvoe with them before I met them. (I was told about them before I met them.)
I've been in love with them for almost 4 years. They're sweet, funny, good looking, etc., etc. I honestly couldn't tell you exactly what they look like, though. It could be because of the blurry factor of everything when they're around...
Anyways, I'll often find myself crushing on someone but I just let it go. Sometimes it will stay for awhile, sometimes it will go a week later. I try not to notice it but it's sooo hard. I usually don't crush on too many people at once. :D
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