Ms. Christina Death

My girlfriend wants to have sex with other people.

41 posts in this topic

Since I've finally begun accepting myself as asexual, I've also finally been able to explain it to my girlfriend. We've been together a month and I've been avoiding sex any way I can so I felt that she should know exactly why. The first thing she said was, "so can I sleep with other people?" No kind and supportive words, nothing. She made it seem like she was "unfortunate" to get tied up with someone like me.

So my question is...have any of you experienced this?

What do you all think about her wanting to sleep with other people?

Should I get out of this relationship?

Any insight, experience, advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Holy... That's harsh... If she's just worried about the sex, and not you, personally I think you should get out of the relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, while I haven't directly experienced this, I would say it'd probably be best to seek a mutual dissolution of the relationship. Her wanting sex is going to lead her astray sometime and your not wanting sex is going to make you paranoid about her infidelity, real or an illusion. Besides that, her asking if you not wanting sex means she can be free to date you but have sex with other people is kind of a low move in any book.Such a move isn't fair to you or any of her future partners.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, she has the right to decide that what she wants in a relationship should include sex. If she has decided that (and it sounds like she has), and you absolutely don't, either you'll need to find a way to keep her sexual needs satisfied (either with mutual masturbation or something or else an open relationship), or the relationship needs to end.

It sounds like you both have very different ideas of what being in a relationship entails, and you both need to consider carefully what you are and are not willing to do. If you end up feeling you cannot trust her to be honest with you, maybe breaking up might be an option. It doesn't sound from your short post that she is very interested in compromise. Did she want to talk about the situation at all when you came out to her?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, you've (only?) been together for a month, and that's the first thing she says? I'm thinking that's not a good sign. Of course I'd recommend seriously talking to her about it again, but if I were you I would at least keep my mind open to the idea that it might have to be broken off.. Or think about making it an open relationship, depending on how well the two of you otherwise get along.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who's primary concern seems to be attaining the ability to go have sex. But, that's just me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Chrissy,

What exactly is it that you want? Spell it out, please.

If you want an exclusive relationship, it is not going to be with her. Perhaps you should figure out why you would want an exclusive relationship with her in the first place knowing it started out with you pretty much side stepping any possible advances.

You may have to further define for yourself exactly what you were hoping to get out of this relationship. It is possible that you could have a very close relationship with her even if she is having sex with other people.

You seem like you were taken aback because she didn't offer any kind and supportive words. Well, it's not like you revealed a death in the family, a loss of a job, or a chronic medical diagnosis. You just told her you don't do sex -- which is something that neither begs for support nor condemnation.

She may consider it unfortunate for her, but she didn't walk out, did she? Instead she came up with what she thought would be a workable solution for her. Why can't the solution work for you too? Think about it ... and that will be your answer.

Best,

Lucinda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Huh... while I know this question has been asked many times around the board, I haven't seen it in only a month-long relationship.

I think you should both sit down and talk about each others feelings on how important sex is in a relationship. There has to be some compromise that does not involve avoidance for either of you.

If nothing significant comes of that I don't see the relationship working out so well. Personally I would never let a partner have sex outside of the relationship, it would just weird me the heck out, but to each their own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Lucinda. You've been in a relationship for, what, 4 weeks? And she obviously wants to have sex, and you don't. So there's really no relationship. There may be a friendship, but that's up to both of you. What we think about it doesn't matter, because the two of you have entirely different ideas of what you want and don't want.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since I'm in a relationship where we both could sleep with other people if we wanted, no, I don't in itself have a problem with that.

We do have rules and very clear understandings of where our limits are though.

If you're not comfortable with it, that, to us, would be a no, it should be mutually accepted (and both should really be honest about it, no yes under pressure etc).

Also, the way you describe it, the way she said it, doesn't sound all that great.

Oh yeah, and we didn't set all this up in our relationship after one month, back then we didn't even know if it was going to be long-term for us (though we did know we would try to make it long-term).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Letting your partner sleep with other people is one of ways of compromise. I think you should talk to her honestly and see if there's another way or if this relationship has any chance to 'survive'.

Good luck :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's my view on it. Some sexual/asexual relationships manage without any type of sex, some have sex, and some have open-relationships. It really depends on the people involved. Frankly I think even two sexual people having sex after only a month is WAY too fast. Since that's not the question, I personally think your gf is too focused on the sexual aspect of it. It doesn't appear that she really wanted to talk to you about it, to understand. I would think if a sexual person had a strong level of romantic attraction to an asexual, they wouldn't immediately think about having sex with other people but would want to understand and relate to their partner. Not to say that some wouldn't want to pursue an open-relationship, but I don't think a strong level of romantic attraction would create the type of self-centered reaction you got.

I agree with the others that said that the relationship might not be the best and you may want to consider dissolving it and finding someone that wants to share a partnership with you first and foremost.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I never thought i would be dealing with "dating" a sexual man but i'm thinking about it and all i can say it's hard,. I like talking to this guy but the elephant in the rooom. is oral sex and intercourse. Ms. Christina Death i feel your pain.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You should just end it right there... whatever you do, she's going to do what she wants, without respecting your opinion... I find this hopeless, but you can try talking to her anyway... you're free to do as you please as well...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should run. But, I'm never one in favor of open relationships. It just seems like an excuse to be self-indulgent. But that is just paraphrasing from this article.

ARTICLE: Do Open Marriages Work? (CNN)

You should check it out. It is from the perspective a person weighing the pros and cons of an open relationship as proposed to her and according to her feelings. You may be able to relate to some and not to others but it might give you something to go off of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have never dated anyone before, but I think your girlfriend wanting to sleep with other people is natural,so just stay in the relationship for now to see if the relationship can work it's self out.This is most likely what is best for the two of you in the long run,because you don't want to wonder what might have been for the rest of your life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since I've finally begun accepting myself as asexual, I've also finally been able to explain it to my girlfriend. We've been together a month and I've been avoiding sex any way I can so I felt that she should know exactly why. The first thing she said was, "so can I sleep with other people?" No kind and supportive words, nothing. She made it seem like she was "unfortunate" to get tied up with someone like me.

So my question is...have any of you experienced this?

What do you all think about her wanting to sleep with other people?

Should I get out of this relationship?

Any insight, experience, advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

This happened to me once, with a boy who wanted to date me. Basically, he said he thought I was wonderful, but we'd need an arrangement where he went and slept with other people. From a moral perspective, of course I wouldn't let that fly, but actually emotionally I was 100% dispassionate about it, so I said go right ahead - he was very surprised, but I think that was the moment when he realised I really was asexual and couldn't care less about sex (he'd been trying to "talk me out of it" for months). Shortly following this epiphany was another one, when he immediately realised how wrong it would be to "date" me but sleep with anyone else, and promptly dropped the whole idea. He still thought he couldn't have a relationship without sex, so we never did get together, but better than living a lie, right? If he's that sex-obsessed/immature/not in love enough, then it's no loss.

So my advice to Ms Death - throw their own proposition back at them, and let them meditate on just what they're suggesting. If the moral epiphany does not come, they're not worth it. If they then decide they can't have a relationship without sex, so be it. If they are moral and mature enough to love you anyway, you're a lucky person, and go for it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think if a sexual person had a strong level of romantic attraction to an asexual, they wouldn't immediately think about having sex with other people but would want to understand and relate to their partner.

Unless your girlfriend is the type of person who needs sex in general, but who can distance it in terms of emotional connection?

As in, she could be in a close emotional/romantic relationship with you, and have sex on the side, but distance herself emotionally from the other person.

I have quite a few friends this seems to work for...

I think you need to find out how she views sex - she may see it as something biologically necessary, and less connected with intimacy than you suppose? Just cause she wants to sleep with other people doesn't mean she wants a relationship with other people.

Anyway, good luck :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! She is inconsiderate, selfish and morally compromised!. Consider yourself lucky that she did not give you some disease.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! She is inconsiderate, selfish and morally compromised!. Consider yourself lucky that she did not give you some disease.

Geeze. Just because someone wants sex to be part of their life, it does not mean they are disease ridden :blink:

Anyway. In reply to the OP. Consider if you're willing to compromise, when it comes to sex, and ask her if she's willing to do the same. Keep an open dialogue and don't be afraid of asking direct questions... like asking her specifically what she would like/expect when it comes to sex. That way you can know if it's something you're willing to go along with, or not, and you can tell her directly, instead of having to turn her down and thus risk making her feel rejected.

If you're not able to do that, then maybe seeking sex outside of the relationship is the way to go for you two. But also with that be VERY open with what you can accept and what you can't... and vice versa.

Communication, communication, communication. The most important part of any romantic relationship. ... that and love, of course. hehe. ;)

You haven't been together very long tho'... So be prepared for her not wanting to do the extra "work" and being willing to compromise too much, considering you two haven't had that much time to bond. :/

I can't say for sure though, of course, since I have no idea how close you two are. Sometimes people can bond very deeply in a short time, so having been together for one month doesn't necessarily have to mean the relationship is less valid.

I wish you all the best!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, I'm SORRY.. but the part about her sounding like she felt UNFORTUNATE to be WITH you is ENOUGH. *Ovo* Now, that she EVEN wants to sleep with other PEOPLE for- UGH! >=( I say get the you know what away from her because she's NO GOOD. u.u

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, I'm SORRY.. but the part about her sounding like she felt UNFORTUNATE to be WITH you is ENOUGH. *Ovo* Now, that she EVEN wants to sleep with other PEOPLE for- UGH! >=( I say get the you know what away from her because she's NO GOOD. u.u

One, there's no basis for you to tell other people that someone you don't know is "no good". Especially with a lot of capital letters.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since I've finally begun accepting myself as asexual, I've also finally been able to explain it to my girlfriend. We've been together a month and I've been avoiding sex any way I can so I felt that she should know exactly why. The first thing she said was, "so can I sleep with other people?" No kind and supportive words, nothing. She made it seem like she was "unfortunate" to get tied up with someone like me.

So my question is...have any of you experienced this?

What do you all think about her wanting to sleep with other people?

Should I get out of this relationship?

Any insight, experience, advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

I am sorry that this happened to you. It honestly feels a lot like the end of my most recent relationship, especially his occasional lament of my inability to lust over him. I would say that the conditions of your relationship ought to be based upon what you are most comfortable with, but I do hope that things work out for you in the end.

*Tea and cake*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate to say this but I likely won't work and however hard it is I think you should move on. You both seem to want different things in the relationship so let it pass and remember the good times you had together. Someone new is waiting around the corner to be found. ;p

-SxS

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If she's that into sex and only concerned about one thing, you should rethink your relationship. Tell her that she can sleep with whoever she wants when she's not dating you. That's really inconsiderate and insensitive of her. No offense, just saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, cut her some slack, you might have just dropped a bombshell on her, not everyone is great at thinking on their feet and it's not uncommon for foot-in-mouth disease to strike at such moments. Now that she's had time to think about it, discuss at length what you both want in a relationship and....go from there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This sounds like a tough situation, but I think you should take comfort and pride in that you both were able to be honest about such a difficult topic. It was probably not easy for you to admit that you don't want sex with her, and hard for her to admit that she does want sex with other people. I've heard of many couples who've been together for years and still can't talk openly about sex, due to fear, shame, etc. Each of you was able to say something you knew the other person probably didn't want to hear, and that takes a lot of courage... others might call it selfish... but for any relationship to work people have to be honest (but kind) about what they want and need. You two are doing a good job of this, keep talking!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.