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Support Groups for Sexual Partners of Asexuals


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#1 Integrity10

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 08:26 PM

There seems to be a lot of frustrated and desperate individuals out there who are married to, or in long-term relationships with, asexuals. I think it's about time someone organized real life support groups for these individuals. I live on the Toronto area and would be happy to start a support group for sexual partners of asexuals. Is there anyone else out there who would be interested in joining the group or even helping me start it up?

#2 HusbandOfAsexual

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 08:57 PM

There seems to be a lot of frustrated and desperate individuals out there who are married to, or in long-term relationships with, asexuals. I think it's about time someone organized real life support groups for these individuals. I live on the Toronto area and would be happy to start a support group for sexual partners of asexuals. Is there anyone else out there who would be interested in joining the group or even helping me start it up?



I would be VERY interested in joining such a group and have been thinking about or wondering if some such group existed or not. I am located in Kansas City, but I would be happy to help however I can.

#3 Paper Bullets

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 09:46 PM

I'm also very interested! Unfortunately I do live in North Carolina, but if there's any way a group could be set up down here or if I can help with anyone else's group I'd be so very, very interested!

#4 Tanwen

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 11:17 PM

It's a great idea - but with the internet, it could be world wide, couldn't it??? Skype to Skype calls are free. OK, you may not be able to get the face-to-face, but I really hope you get this off the ground.
"You lose nothing when fighting for a cause ... In my mind the losers are those who don't have a cause they care about." - Muhammad Ali
 
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice"  - Abraham Lincoln
 
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#5 Integrity10

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 01:59 AM

It's a great idea - but with the internet, it could be world wide, couldn't it??? Skype to Skype calls are free. OK, you may not be able to get the face-to-face, but I really hope you get this off the ground.


I certainly believe that the Internet could and should be used by sexuals who find themselves dealing with the myriad of issues arising from long-term relationships asexuals. However, I think one thing such people are missing the most is human contact, connection, compassion, and even affection. (For crying out loud, my wife doesn't even hug me.)

Sitting in front of a computer can only acccomplish so much. (In fact, it even adds to the feeling of isolation.) Sexuals in this predicament need to get out and meet other people who understand what they're going through; they need to find real people out there who they can support and be supported by. We need to shake off the silence and shame, accept that we are not worthless people, and get out there and meet each other.

#6 Tanwen

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 02:05 AM

Sorry, I misunderstood that part...although I miss the touching part of a relationship, I didn't appreciate how much a sexual could miss it...well still don't, but I'm trying. However, you are NOT worthless don't ever think that!!! I'm sure your partners would be horrified if they realised that's how you feel.
"You lose nothing when fighting for a cause ... In my mind the losers are those who don't have a cause they care about." - Muhammad Ali
 
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice"  - Abraham Lincoln
 
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."  G. K. Chesterton

#7 Integrity10

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 02:35 AM

Sorry, I misunderstood that part...although I miss the touching part of a relationship, I didn't appreciate how much a sexual could miss it...well still don't, but I'm trying. However, you are NOT worthless don't ever think that!!! I'm sure your partners would be horrified if they realised that's how you feel.


Thank you Tanwen. It's very nice to hear someone tell me that I'm not worthless. While I rationally know that I'm not worthless, that doesn't stop me from feeling that way. Sexuality (for sexual people) is the ultimate act of bonding, connection, and mutual acceptance. Sexual rejection (for a sexual person), is the deepest, most personal, and most utterly complete form of rejection. At least, that's how I feel.

That's why we need to have support groups where other people who know what we're going through can actually look at us, hear our words, know who we are, and then say, "I know you... and you are not worthless."

Until today, I could find absolutley nothing on the web addressing the need for support groups for sexuals in relationships with asexuals. Now, a Google search for "asexual support group" brings this message thread up as the second hit!

I'm starting to feel quite hopeful that we could actually establish support groups all around the world for sexuals needing the support of other sexuals. (What should we call ourselves? SPA maybe? (Sexual Partners of Asexuals). Okay... let's use that for now.

My SPA friends: All we need is two SPA individuals in a given city or region, and a support group can be formed. From there, each support group can expand. Maybe we can finally get the support we so desperatley need.

I live in the Toronto region. Who's with me!?

#8 Integrity10

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 01:03 PM

Guess what!

I've just started what may just be the world's first support organization for sexual partners of asexuals. It's called SPA Support. Check out the new website at spasupport.org!

#9 Tanwen

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 03:50 PM

Can you provide a link, there are quite a few entries and as you're new, you'll be low down the list.
"You lose nothing when fighting for a cause ... In my mind the losers are those who don't have a cause they care about." - Muhammad Ali
 
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice"  - Abraham Lincoln
 
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."  G. K. Chesterton

#10 Guest_Fosco_*

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 05:56 PM

I'm sure you could hold Meetups like we do on the forum, but just for partners or family members of asexuals.

Might take some time for word to get round, but I'm sure you could have regular meetups all over the place.

#11 Integrity10

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Posted 14 March 2010 - 01:09 PM

Can you provide a link, there are quite a few entries and as you're new, you'll be low down the list.


Sure! Here's the link: SPA Support

I'm not sure if this is what you meant. Let me know.

#12 Tanwen

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Posted 14 March 2010 - 03:02 PM

That looks really good - we'll have to get people viewing it to push you onto the first page...I hope you'll keep us updated how things are going.

Best of luck to you.
"You lose nothing when fighting for a cause ... In my mind the losers are those who don't have a cause they care about." - Muhammad Ali
 
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice"  - Abraham Lincoln
 
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."  G. K. Chesterton

#13 sexualwithasexual

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Posted 15 March 2010 - 02:49 AM


Can you provide a link, there are quite a few entries and as you're new, you'll be low down the list.


Sure! Here's the link: SPA Support

I'm not sure if this is what you meant. Let me know.

Interesting. I took a look. I noticed your definition for asexual is a little different than AVEN's. (ASEXUAL: A PERSON WHO DOES NOT EXPERIENCE SEXUAL ATTRACTION) Wondering why. Here's what yours says: (Asexual: An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.) I think many asexuals actually do have a sex drive and sexual interest. It's the attraction to another person that sets them apart from someone who may just have no libido.

#14 Sally

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Posted 15 March 2010 - 07:35 AM

SwithS is right in her definition. Sexual desire or lack thereof doesn't define asexuality.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#15 LadyLongLocks

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Posted 15 March 2010 - 02:27 PM

SwithS is right in her definition. Sexual desire or lack thereof doesn't define asexuality.

But in many cases, it does seem to go hand in hand. I think you (integrity10) should add AVEN's definition first and leave your definition in there also.

#16 Tanwen

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Posted 15 March 2010 - 03:32 PM

THe operative word is 'seemingly' - it may be that is how we appear to sexuals. There will be many others out there married or in love with an asexual - their partner may not yet have found AVEN - this could help both parties.

Rather than focus on definitions, let's concentrate on the idea of the site.
"You lose nothing when fighting for a cause ... In my mind the losers are those who don't have a cause they care about." - Muhammad Ali
 
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice"  - Abraham Lincoln
 
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."  G. K. Chesterton

#17 sexualwithasexual

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Posted 16 March 2010 - 12:08 AM

THe operative word is 'seemingly' - it may be that is how we appear to sexuals. There will be many others out there married or in love with an asexual - their partner may not yet have found AVEN - this could help both parties.

Rather than focus on definitions, let's concentrate on the idea of the site.

The one thing that helped me the most initially, when discovering AVEN, was the clear, simple and concise definition of asexual. So much of my pain in my sexual/ace relationship revolved around not having a language to describe the reality. I think it may be good to break down the "seemingly" part of the definition to be clear. Here's a suggestion of what I mean, incorporating others suggestions:

Asexual as defined on AVEN's website: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. (provide link)

A common definition of asexual, which may or may not be the experience of one's own asexuality, and more aptly describes a person with no libido: An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.

Implication for asexual/sexual relationships: A relationship with a varying degree of sexual interaction, from none to frequent, most likely resulting in unbalanced needs being met for both persons. (ie: the asexual desperately desires less to no sexual interaction, the sexual desperately desires more sexual interaction.)

#18 Siggy

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Posted 16 March 2010 - 12:35 AM

In case it hasn't occurred to anyone, I would suggest contacting the Straight Spouse Network, because they have very similar problems.

My blog's LGBTA section
A blog going beyond ace-101: The Asexual Agenda
Do you like blogging or writing? Submit a piece to the Carnival of Aces this month.


#19 Integrity10

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Posted 19 March 2010 - 12:37 PM


THe operative word is 'seemingly' - it may be that is how we appear to sexuals. There will be many others out there married or in love with an asexual - their partner may not yet have found AVEN - this could help both parties.

Rather than focus on definitions, let's concentrate on the idea of the site.

The one thing that helped me the most initially, when discovering AVEN, was the clear, simple and concise definition of asexual. So much of my pain in my sexual/ace relationship revolved around not having a language to describe the reality. I think it may be good to break down the "seemingly" part of the definition to be clear. Here's a suggestion of what I mean, incorporating others suggestions:

Asexual as defined on AVEN's website: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. (provide link)

A common definition of asexual, which may or may not be the experience of one's own asexuality, and more aptly describes a person with no libido: An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.

Implication for asexual/sexual relationships: A relationship with a varying degree of sexual interaction, from none to frequent, most likely resulting in unbalanced needs being met for both persons. (ie: the asexual desperately desires less to no sexual interaction, the sexual desperately desires more sexual interaction.)



Hey All,

Thanks for the input on my definitions section of spasupport.org. I've incorporated the AVEN definition into both my definitions for asexual AND sexual. They now read as follows:

Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.

Sexual: A person who does experience sexual attraction. An individual with sexual desire and interest. Someone with sexual drive.

I think these descriptors hang together nicely, and I think they will reach (ie. resonate with) most sexuals and asexuals.

Thanks again for your support!

#20 Galen

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 07:54 PM

Wow, a lot has happened in the last week or so. Nice to see this going. I'm in Los Angeles so we will see. Therapist I have seen don't get it, but how many should I have to go through.

Will look at the new sites more when I get back from a family visit.

Thank everyone for their work.

Feel free to PM me for local help.

#21 SexualHubby

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 03:21 PM

I've thought about and wondered about support groups for the sexual partner as well. Things are better in my relationship now but at that point, my fear was that such a support group would become a place for the sexuals to hook up with each others. I know that this sounds bad (makes us sexuals out to all sound like sexual addicts, etc.), but has anyone thought about the "fall-out" from actually meeting up with other sexuals?

#22 RobotFish

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 08:08 PM

I meet with other sexuals all day everyday, it's kind of hard to not come across them in day-to-day life since sexuals are 95%+ of the planet.

I don't see an issue with sexuals hanging out and getting help from one another, the biggest issue isn't that they are sexual, it's that it will most likely be a bunch of sexuals who are ALSO sex deprived. It's not so much that it's sexuals hanging out, it's that it's a bunch of sexuals that are helping one another in a support group, when they are obviously have intimacy issues at home.

Personally, I think just having a forum or something would probably be best, having a place to talk is most important to me, not so much having people to talk to in person.

#23 Sally

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 09:00 PM

Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.



Many asexuals on AVEN do report having a sex drive, and they masturbate. They simply aren't attracted sexually to other people and don't have desire for sex with other people.

I don't have the energy to do PMs.


#24 sexualwithasexual

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 09:19 PM

Sexual: A person who does experience sexual attraction. An individual with sexual desire and interest. Someone with sexual drive.



Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. An individual without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive.



Many asexuals on AVEN do report having a sex drive, and they masturbate. They simply aren't attracted sexually to other people and don't have desire for sex with other people.

I agree with Sally. The difference between sexuals and asexuals is attraction, not sex drive. I think that's the main thing I find error in in Integrity10's definitions. Many sexuals have low sex drive but are still sexually attracted to others.




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