Jump to content

Fetishes and asexuality


Recommended Posts

I can really relate to a lot of what people are saying here. I would say I have a lot of fetishes in that they are acts or scenarios that excite me and I crave them, though not in a sexual way. They can be thrilling, painful, rough, scary, sensual and erotic. This is a massive plus for me as they need not be sexual in any way.

I'm still figuring out if I'm asexual and the more I read and think about the more I feel I am. I find that being involved in BDSM is giving me a clearer understanding of how I experience attraction and my desire to experience certain things. Sex just isn't on my agenda.

I'll just have cake and chains :3

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll just have cake and chains :3

We'll make it a party, then^^

Does anyone know the difference between a fetish and a kink? (sorry, non-native speaker here)

To OP: Reading about something and "getting off on it" (in whichever way you like) is very different from the real, actual thing. Reading and writing fetish/kink fiction is fantasizing, sharing of (for lack of a a better word) erotic fantasies via fiction. It definitely does not mean you have this fetish in rl, it can mean this but it doesn't automatically have to. It only means you like to fantasize about it.

For some fetishes/kinks this makes no difference, eg a rl latex fetishist might like to read about latex in fiction. But especially for things like rape/non-con (do you know the difference?), incest and things like that it is absolutely vital to get the distinction. Liking rape/non-con fictions is like dangling a foot in front of a caged monster, exciting because of the imagined probability of danger, not very nice perhaps but essentially harmless. Liking or doing it in rl is like opening the cage door.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

Hello, everyone. It's because of this thread I realized that I could actually be asexual. I, too have a fetish, a fetish for fat. It's about the only thing that turns me on and I get aroused and masturbate because of it.

Fetlife sparked my interest but when I joined, I realized the place is kinda dirty and didn't like it very much.

This is me as well! I've been this way my whole life (since I was very, very young at least). In fact, arousal was always a feeling I associated with fat, and as a was growing up I "figured out" that it was supposed to be about sex, and started incorporating it into my generally nonsexual fat fantasies. But even though the arousal is pretty intense, I have NO desire to bring it into my real life relationships - tried that a little and it just doesn't feel good at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is part rant and part reaching out. I'm curious to know of any other asexual's experiences with fetishes--objects, body parts, or situations that invoke sexual arousal. My own fetish kept me from identifying as ace for years because I didn't understand it (or asexuality) well enough, and I'd love to hear other stories if people are out there and willing to share them. How did you reconcile the sexual arousal of a fetish with the nonsexual nature of asexuality?

(The rest of this is a rant)

Thanks to Wikipedia, I now understand that I have a fetish for humiliation of all things. It started out in the teen years when kids are supposed to develop sexual attractions towards other people. Back then, I didn't even realize I was feeling arousal; I just knew I was oddly fascinated by morbid or degrading things and that it was quite satisfying to read or think about them. Then I stumbled across a non-con (rape) story on the Internet, and finally realized that the nice tingling was actually arousal. But the thing is, I just assumed I was a pervert who got off on reading sex stories that happened to have non-con in them. So, whenever I wanted to replicate those nice feelings (usually as a way to pass the time as I fell asleep at night) I would automatically stick sexual elements into the scenes because I assumed that was what I was really enjoying. So when I first came across asexuality, I automatically disqualified myself from the definition because there were people and sex in these fantasies. Finally, years later, I realized that I really did fit the definition of asexual--but the fact that I still enjoyed these non-con sex fantasies always bothered me. It seemed oddly discordant with the rest of my thoughts in general.

Just recently, I was reading something that mentioned fetishes and a lightbulb went off in my brain. It turns out that when I take all the sex out of these fantasies... they are no less potent than before! Huh. Makes sense, since I was enjoying them long before any sex got added in... but it still surprised me. I still don't understand what exactly draws me to this particular fetish--I'm a nice person (I hope!) and it'd be awful to act out that stuff in real life--but now I understand it a lot better. I'm just a sicko, not a rape-crazed sicko.

It's so strange that I don't find human beings sexually attractive, but I do find humiliation to be so. How bizarre...

(slowly backs away)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Isanda,

You'll find that you actually have a fairly common fetish. There's a huge, unmistakable difference between enjoying erotica, artwork, fictional stories, and role-play porn/ and true-life rape and humiliation. The thing that differentiates the two:CONSENT. Acting out these kinds of fetishes in real life must always be consensual. Even the most rough and humiliating acts between people are planned and detailed so both partners are satisfied. It's the fantasy that leads to arousal, not the actual want to truly hurt someone. This level of respect often makes couples who act out this kind of fetish extremely close to each other. Research the Non-con fetish more. There is a lot of information about it written by all kinds of people: Women, Men, Feminists, and even your fellow asexuals! ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
The Doctor Who?

Okay, first off:

I'M NOT ALONE.

This is insanity!!I didn't know we were such a kinky group ;D

Even though I have always know I am asexual--I've also always had a a fetish. Well, two that I can name for certain. I definitely find blue eyes to be the object of..my..errr, fancy. Blue eyes..all the way. They are a huge fetish.

But in my personal opinion, the weirdest fetish I have is for guys who wear eyeliner and dress like they are from a "circus-gone-wrong". It's hard to explain. But any guy who looks like that...ughjhdjkhzs. It's reallllly hot. If you want a video of a guy who matches my circus fetish, here it is:

Also, after I've read all of your comments, I've come to realize.. I like BDSM as more than just material to masturbate too (it's my stuff :P I do have a sex drive), it's a fetish. I would love to have all that pain minus the sex... ^_^

This is an amazing thread.

I love you all. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, first off:

I'M NOT ALONE.

This is insanity!!I didn't know we were such a kinky group ;D

Even though I have always know I am asexual--I've also always had a a fetish. Well, two that I can name for certain. I definitely find blue eyes to be the object of..my..errr, fancy. Blue eyes..all the way. They are a huge fetish.

But in my personal opinion, the weirdest fetish I have is for guys who wear eyeliner and dress like they are from a "circus-gone-wrong". It's hard to explain. But any guy who looks like that...ughjhdjkhzs. It's reallllly hot. If you want a video of a guy who matches my circus fetish, here it is:

Also, after I've read all of your comments, I've come to realize.. I like BDSM as more than just material to masturbate too (it's my stuff :P I do have a sex drive), it's a fetish. I would love to have all that pain minus the sex... ^_^

This is an amazing thread.

I love you all. :D

We love you, too! :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
mad_scientist

Light restraint is my thing. It's not sexual for me, it's just... relaxing, I suppose. Pretty tame, I know.

I think we do need our own site. Fetlife is great, but the general atmosphere and expecially the banner ads are very off-putting. I also have trouble following the way threads are organised.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm into BDSM, too. Corsets and that kind of stuff; I like the tightness and controlled breathing. I don't know whether I'm Dom or Sub. Also, I'd love to get into being a ponygirl with a little cart! Anything with acting realistically as an animal is something I'd just love to do! (I think I'm a furry, if you can't tell ;D ) It feels nice to know that I'm not weird for having fetishes! This is the kind of stuff that makes me love this forum!

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Doctor Who?

Okay, first off:

I'M NOT ALONE.

This is insanity!!I didn't know we were such a kinky group ;D

Even though I have always know I am asexual--I've also always had a a fetish. Well, two that I can name for certain. I definitely find blue eyes to be the object of..my..errr, fancy. Blue eyes..all the way. They are a huge fetish.

But in my personal opinion, the weirdest fetish I have is for guys who wear eyeliner and dress like they are from a "circus-gone-wrong". It's hard to explain. But any guy who looks like that...ughjhdjkhzs. It's reallllly hot. If you want a video of a guy who matches my circus fetish, here it is:

Also, after I've read all of your comments, I've come to realize.. I like BDSM as more than just material to masturbate too (it's my stuff :P I do have a sex drive), it's a fetish. I would love to have all that pain minus the sex... ^_^

This is an amazing thread.

I love you all. :D

We love you, too! :lol:

:wub: & :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting question. Let's see, fetishes that arouse me. I usually read about sex in stories, and I can become aroused if the author is very good at describing the physical and sometimes emotional components of sex. I'm not sure if this counts as a fetish. It's just the best way I understand sex. I will often become aroused, but I have no inclination to masturbate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is something that has confused me for a while now. I have fetishes and am interested in bdsm/femdom, but have no desire whatsoever to have sex. I think the reason is fairly simple; it is a way of connecting/having some physical contact that is not of an overtly sexual nature. None of my fantasies etc involve/ever really have involved having sex. Hello by the way - i'm new :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

*raises hand*

Another asexy kinkster here. Sign me up for cake and chains too ^__^

Oy, I wish I could find an asexual BDSM partner :( I'm on FetLife, and there are some 'asexual' groups on there, but I don't know how many of the members are actually asexual...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
vrazda verlaine

This is a question for people who have been in an online community centered around a fetish or kink. Have you ever been in the closet about your asexuality, due to other people discussing ways they enjoy the subject, that you don't experience as an asexual? I imagine asexuality would be met with complete disbelief in some circles. Here are a couple of examples:

- other members talking about how they would include a situation while having sex, if you would participate only in the fetish but not sexual activities with another person (or if you wouldn't involve another person at all)

- other members implying that something is sexually arousing or that they masturbate to it, if you don't get physically aroused

Has anyone been in a conversation like this? Do you tell white lies and join in, say something ambiguous that doesn't specify whether you agree, or just bow out of such discussions?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a tuxedo fetish. :unsure: I don't really know why. I just find them...fascinating.

I would like to wear one, but if other people are wearing them in my vicinity it suddenly becomes very hard for me to concentrate. This is very peculiar as, well, I am asexual after all...and yet, when presented with someone in a tuxedo, my brain functions kind of stutter to a halt.

I've never been able to figure it out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a question for people who have been in an online community centered around a fetish or kink. Have you ever been in the closet about your asexuality, due to other people discussing ways they enjoy the subject, that you don't experience as an asexual? I imagine asexuality would be met with complete disbelief in some circles. Here are a couple of examples:

- other members talking about how they would include a situation while having sex, if you would participate only in the fetish but not sexual activities with another person (or if you wouldn't involve another person at all)

- other members implying that something is sexually arousing or that they masturbate to it, if you don't get physically aroused

Has anyone been in a conversation like this? Do you tell white lies and join in, say something ambiguous that doesn't specify whether you agree, or just bow out of such discussions?

I've had several people contact me on FetLife. A few people don't seem to read my profile (which openly states that I'm asexual and attempts to explain what this means for my fetishes, etc.) and start suggesting scenes with sexual elements for us to do. But most of the people who contact me actually seem to be getting in touch in the first place because they have read my profile and they're really interested to know what a scene would be like for me, and what an asexual person might want to get out of BDSM. All of those people, so far, have been quite open-minded. The worst reaction I've received is that someone just doesn't reply anymore after I try to explain, but on the scale of bad reactions, that's really not so bad XD

As to the second example, I do get physically aroused, so the thing I have to try to explain is how/why that arousal doesn't lead me to actually want to have sex with someone else - which is maybe even tricker, but at least I do/can understand if people are having discussions simply about arousal.

So, no, I'm absolutely not in the closet about being asexual and I haven't encountered any disbelief yet (that I know of) :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Does anyone know of a fetish community for those not into BDSM? I was turned off by Fetlife, as others have said. I don't fit in there at all.

Fetlife sparked my interest but when I joined, I realized the place is kinda dirty and didn't like it very much.

My fetish is definitely sexual, but I would not act on it in real life until I was in a loving relationship. I've never discussed it with anyone, but I now feel secure enough in who I am to do so. It even excites me to talk about it or to post anonymous pictures, but Fetlife is just not for me. Where can I explore my fetish and still feel safe?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm into BDSM, too. Corsets and that kind of stuff; I like the tightness and controlled breathing. I don't know whether I'm Dom or Sub. Also, I'd love to get into being a ponygirl with a little cart! Anything with acting realistically as an animal is something I'd just love to do! (I think I'm a furry, if you can't tell ;D ) It feels nice to know that I'm not weird for having fetishes! This is the kind of stuff that makes me love this forum!

I remember speaking with another person into the ponygirl scene. She said she liked it, in part, because it was a better defined relationship with set expectations that required little guesswork. For her, taking on such roles cut out a lot of ambiguity that made it stressful for her to otherwise engage in a relationship.

Does anyone know of a fetish community for those not into BDSM? I was turned off by Fetlife, as others have said. I don't fit in there at all.

Fetlife sparked my interest but when I joined, I realized the place is kinda dirty and didn't like it very much.

My fetish is definitely sexual, but I would not act on it in real life until I was in a loving relationship. I've never discussed it with anyone, but I now feel secure enough in who I am to do so. It even excites me to talk about it or to post anonymous pictures, but Fetlife is just not for me. Where can I explore my fetish and still feel safe?

That's a tough one. I get why so many aces would have difficulty with Fetlife. Perhaps the best thing to do is to find a good community for your specific fetish and then start a topic on asexuality.

Edited by GirlDreamer
Double post merged
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a tough one. I get why so many aces would have difficulty with Fetlife. Perhaps the best thing to do is to find a good community for your specific fetish and then start a topic on asexuality.

Does anyone have experience with hipforums.com? They have a large Alternative Lifestyles section. Does seem to cater to stoners somewhat, but at least it's not pornographic...

I thought of another one. Experienceproject.com

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a tough one. I get why so many aces would have difficulty with Fetlife. Perhaps the best thing to do is to find a good community for your specific fetish and then start a topic on asexuality.

Does anyone have experience with hipforums.com? They have a large Alternative Lifestyles section. Does seem to cater to stoners somewhat, but at least it's not pornographic...

I thought of another one. Experienceproject.com

I'm on the Hip Forums. They seem nice enough, and, at least on the topics I post, people give good answers and opinions.

This is something that has confused me for a while now. I have fetishes and am interested in bdsm/femdom, but have no desire whatsoever to have sex. I think the reason is fairly simple; it is a way of connecting/having some physical contact that is not of an overtly sexual nature. None of my fantasies etc involve/ever really have involved having sex. Hello by the way - i'm new :)

I totally agree with the physical contact! I'm a cuddle monster when I'm with my close friends and family members. Rub my scalp, and I'll love you forever ^_^ BTW, Welcome to the forums! :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a tough one. I get why so many aces would have difficulty with Fetlife. Perhaps the best thing to do is to find a good community for your specific fetish and then start a topic on asexuality.

Does anyone have experience with hipforums.com? They have a large Alternative Lifestyles section. Does seem to cater to stoners somewhat, but at least it's not pornographic...

I thought of another one. Experienceproject.com

EP is okay but watch out for the lecherous guys if you're a girl, especially if you join any fetish-related experience groups.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a tough one. I get why so many aces would have difficulty with Fetlife. Perhaps the best thing to do is to find a good community for your specific fetish and then start a topic on asexuality.

Does anyone have experience with hipforums.com? They have a large Alternative Lifestyles section. Does seem to cater to stoners somewhat, but at least it's not pornographic...

I thought of another one. Experienceproject.com

There is an 'I Am Asexual' group (overall there are seven 'asexual' related groups but that's the best one) but none related to kinks. Could easily start an 'I Am An Asexual Kinkster' and let it go like that.

ExperienceProject is a site in itself that I cannot stand but I guess it's useful in the sense of visibility. Perhaps not much but still.

IC is the only other kink forum/site I know of that's popular. Personally I find it hard to like any forum that isn't laid out in a similar style to this. It only tells you when there are new topics in a group not new posts and blahblahblah. Oh, wait, or is that Fetlife? I'm on both but under a different name. It's good and all... if it was set out differently. Unfortunately the layout drives me nuts so I don't use it for what it's worth. And the colouring. DX Jeez. It drives me away from other asexy kinksters - this is not fair. <_<

[/whiny rantathon]

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never posted here?!I could've sworn I did :blink:

I read a lot of this thread, and found nobody else who mentioned peeing :huh: Is it really that uncommon a fetish?

For as long as I've been sexually mature, I've had a pretty strong fetish for seeing or hearing girls pee. However, it starts and ends there: I have NO interest in anything more...extreme, I guess, when it comes to this. Porn related to peeing comes off as stupid or repulsive, and I have no interest in girls trying to appear "sexy" while peeing, or doing so in unusual ways. I just get significantly aroused hearing or seeing girls pee completely normally (either outdoors or in a bathroom) for some reason :redface:.

I even get a bit excited when girls around me say they need to go, which, as one can imagine, is less than ideal when in public with a group of friends :lol:

I've never heard of any of these forums for fetishes. Maybe I'll go look at a few of them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My own fetish kept me from identifying as ace for years because I didn't understand it (or asexuality) well enough, and I'd love to hear other stories if people are out there and willing to share them. How did you reconcile the sexual arousal of a fetish with the nonsexual nature of asexuality?

This is pretty much exactly my position, and I'm so glad this thread floated to the top again!

I've been an exhibitionist for a long time, and I think I'd always more or less assumed that that was what sexuality actually involves. So when I started trying to develop my sexual side in college, it was by doing things based on that—going to nude beaches, going streaking, wearing revealing clothing, that sort of thing. I knew about asexuality, but I mostly assumed it wasn't really me, because—even though I wasn't interested in actually doing any of the actual sex acts—I still had what I thought was some kind of sex drive. Really, I think I may have tried to develop that side of myself more than the feeling itself necessarily merited, just because I wanted really badly to feel what sexual people felt.

The thing is, even though the fantasies were sexually arousing, and the memories were sexually arousing, there was never any arousal involved in the actual experience itself. It was certainly intense and addictive—like this weird, hyper-aware state—but not really the same thing as sexual arousal at all.

More recently, I've also become interested in some aspects of BDSM, as well as fantasy kinks like mind control and erotic hypnosis. I think a lot of my interest there, though, was just that same desire to feel what sexual people feel. I was a sub not because I wanted humiliation or pain, but because I just wanted someone with the power to make me be sexual. Which, if I'm actually asexual, isn't possible anyway.

I have a fetish surrounding pain, when I was really little I used to make up odd stories before I fell asleep about people getting hurt, and when I got older I'd read dark books and the whole situation would just be so captivating. The internet was my downfall though, and somehow a pop-up for a BDSM site showed up one day, and I was pulled in. It's horrible, because I associate a whole lot of guilt and shame with the concept, but reading that stuff is like an addiction. That's when I started putting sexual people into my fantasies, because I felt that was what was supposed to happen.

It's so creepy, because when you think about it in any realistic terms, I find the acts to be totally disturbing. If I truly saw someone hurting someone else, it'd be scary and repulsive. But somehow the fantasy makes it the opposite. And eventually I realized, after watching some videos, that the actual sexual act repulsed me as well. It was all the foreplay that aroused me, and that could happen without any sort of physical enactment. But where did that leave me?

This is an old comment, and it looks like Chime may not be active on here anymore, but I wanted to respond to this for the benefit of anyone else reading this thread who might have similar thoughts.

The thing with sadism and masochism in a real-life BDSM context is that they're not the same at all as genuinely hurting someone. The point of any BDSM scene is that, on some level, it feels good—and, if at any point it stops feeling good, you have the power to make it stop. It's perfectly okay to find the fantasy arousing, and even the actual activity in a risk-aware and consensual space, while still having strong moral disapproval for doing those things to someone without consent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

first off, i LOVE this thread.

i just wanted to get that out there. it's incredibly interesting and it fits with me rather well. i believe that i have biting and hair pulling fetishes, perhaps. i really enjoy doing both, but it's really difficult to explain. if i'm doing either to someone, or someone is doing it to me i'm not turned on, but if i watch other people do it it's like a light switch. until very recently i'd never thought of these things and maybe being fetishes. i'm having a great time exploring my feelings and discovering that i'm not the only one who has similar things going on. :)

also, i'm on fetlife.com too. i'm Raikumori, shoot me a message sometime. ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

I love this topic. I also wondered about the blend of asexuality/fetishes, not necessarily how it's possible, but how to explain that possibility to other people who are sexual. I find the BDSM, Master/slave thing interesting, but I'm grossed out by "real people porn". Oddly, cartoon porn is fine and doesn't bother me at all. Maybe it's that suspension of belief thing, being aware that a cartoon isn't real, which adds to the fantasy aspect.

But I think my actual fetish (if it is a fetish) is an obsession with fabrics and soft things. Plushies, pillows, clothes...they're aesthetically-pleasing and they feel nice to touch or cuddle. And I think the fantasies are often less arousing, so much as habitual and comforting. As other people on this thread have said, I would imagine people in sexual situations because I thought that was what I was supposed to be doing, but the fascination for me is more the emotional connections made between people, rather than any fascination with the sex aspect.

And while I can see how one might use a fetish to develop a relationship with a sexual person, I still feel perfectly content with my platonic-friendships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a few fetishes as well, yet identify as asexual. Like others, I'm into BDSM somewhat, and while it's fun to fantasize about certain actions and things, I think if I were pressed with the situation and could actually partake, I wouldn't like it.

Some things are just better left in the mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really get turned on by my fetishes for body parts. I find them very aesthetically pleasing, for example jaw lines, necks, collar bones. Those are my favourite features in any person. If you have a good one I'll stare and go in awe. I did it to my friend, he said i was being highly creepy staring at his collar bone.

OMG! I though I was the only one! I'm the exact same way, I find collar bones very nice to look at. All my friends and family think I'm weird that one of the only things I notice on a person is their collar bone. lol. Nice to know there are others out there that are like me :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...