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Fetishes and asexuality


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#1 Isanda

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 02:25 AM

This is part rant and part reaching out. I'm curious to know of any other asexual's experiences with fetishes--objects, body parts, or situations that invoke sexual arousal. My own fetish kept me from identifying as ace for years because I didn't understand it (or asexuality) well enough, and I'd love to hear other stories if people are out there and willing to share them. How did you reconcile the sexual arousal of a fetish with the nonsexual nature of asexuality?

(The rest of this is a rant)

Thanks to Wikipedia, I now understand that I have a fetish for humiliation of all things. It started out in the teen years when kids are supposed to develop sexual attractions towards other people. Back then, I didn't even realize I was feeling arousal; I just knew I was oddly fascinated by morbid or degrading things and that it was quite satisfying to read or think about them. Then I stumbled across a non-con (rape) story on the Internet, and finally realized that the nice tingling was actually arousal. But the thing is, I just assumed I was a pervert who got off on reading sex stories that happened to have non-con in them. So, whenever I wanted to replicate those nice feelings (usually as a way to pass the time as I fell asleep at night) I would automatically stick sexual elements into the scenes because I assumed that was what I was really enjoying. So when I first came across asexuality, I automatically disqualified myself from the definition because there were people and sex in these fantasies. Finally, years later, I realized that I really did fit the definition of asexual--but the fact that I still enjoyed these non-con sex fantasies always bothered me. It seemed oddly discordant with the rest of my thoughts in general.

Just recently, I was reading something that mentioned fetishes and a lightbulb went off in my brain. It turns out that when I take all the sex out of these fantasies... they are no less potent than before! Huh. Makes sense, since I was enjoying them long before any sex got added in... but it still surprised me. I still don't understand what exactly draws me to this particular fetish--I'm a nice person (I hope!) and it'd be awful to act out that stuff in real life--but now I understand it a lot better. I'm just a sicko, not a rape-crazed sicko.

It's so strange that I don't find human beings sexually attractive, but I do find humiliation to be so. How bizarre...
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#2 Inhuman

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:43 AM

I think everything you've said here is fantastic. I'm glad your journy of self-discovery has lead to such conclusive results.

And hey, if someone be embarrassed turns you on, awesome! Out of all the fetishes out there, I doubt I would feel uncomfortable around anyone who has most of them ( vampire fettish, sadism, massichism, foot fettish, humiliation fettish, rape fetish, hand fettish, piss fettish). Like really, why should I critisize them for how they feel? And as far as most fetishes are concerned: why should I frown upon them acting them out with a consenting partner(rape fetish people can roll play, right?)? I shouldn't and I don't :)

As for you, if you find the right person you're romantically attracted to and you're the right person for them, I betcha you can work your fettish into the relationship easily. You shouldn't think of yourself as a freak (did i ever mention i was a sadist[sexually attracted to inflicting pain] when i was young? haha. that's funny )
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#3 narwhal

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:52 AM

I don't really get turned on by my fetishes for body parts. I find them very aesthetically pleasing, for example jaw lines, necks, collar bones. Those are my favourite features in any person. If you have a good one I'll stare and go in awe. I did it to my friend, he said i was being highly creepy staring at his collar bone.

As for situations I've never really sat down and thought about it. I'm fairly certain i don't. I'm a sucker to be a sadist (mostly emotionally), but I don't get off on it. I just find it fun, and relieving. I think I tend to have more fascinations than fetishes I think. ^__^

I agree with inhuman. I'm glad you've also learned about yourself. You have a good head on your shoulders :3

#4 Takinoxy

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 06:03 AM

It turns out that when I take all the sex out of these fantasies... they are no less potent than before! Huh


This I totally agree.
Happened pretty much the same to me, or so I think. My fetish is Latex and High heels; typical I know. Before I got to have any latex I would imagine wearing it full, and started to fit in people in those fantasies. When I bought some, I found that I didnt need to imagine anyone, and after I tried to be with larger groups of latex people, and it wasn't a boost or anything. Being touched when wearing that is just amazing; be it with other latex or directly on skin. But for that goes the same, I don't have a need for someone around, I got hands too *wink*. Same goes for heels.

I see it related, but maybe not?

#5 f1r3wire

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 09:48 AM

This is part rant and part reaching out. I'm curious to know of any other asexual's experiences with fetishes--objects, body parts, or situations that invoke sexual arousal. My own fetish kept me from identifying as ace for years because I didn't understand it (or asexuality) well enough, and I'd love to hear other stories if people are out there and willing to share them. How did you reconcile the sexual arousal of a fetish with the nonsexual nature of asexuality?

I don't really have to reconcile sexual arousal from fetishes and asexuality, as for me I don't really get sexual arousal the feels I get from fetish activities amazingly intense and make me feel all lovely and floaty but do not really have any direct sexual feelings. It's a little hard to describe really, or I lack the proper words (I'm not sure which) but I just get the most amazing happy feelings, but they're not concentrated to any sort of sexual part of me, they're all over and they don't really spark any sort of desire to take it further to any sexual contact. I think I can best describe the feelings as sort of akin to childlike warm and fuzzy, if that makes sense, from things that fit my fetishes. I think some of it is helped by the fact that most of the fetishes that I'm into are visual or mental, and the few that do actually involve physical contact are very innocent and strictly not openly sexual, it's kind of hard to explain without getting very technical.
I'm happy to share stories, or more in depth information, just not on a public forum, but I'm quite happy to talk in over PM

It turns out that when I take all the sex out of these fantasies... they are no less potent than before!

I so much agree with that one, things can be amazingly potent without any for of sex involved at all.

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 10:59 AM

Spooky. I went through pretty much the same thing. Similar fetish, just switch it round, I would much prefer to be a sub than a Dom. (If that went over your head it's part of the BDSM lifestyle - which I find so fascinating, unfortunately most people believes it circles sex but an asexual BDSM lifestyle must be possible, though extremely rare I'm sure).
One day you'll find somebody who enjoys the humiliation (it's just as much as a turn on for them as it is for you).

Maybe I'm seeing this in the wrong way but it's like enjoying sex whilst still being asexual. No orientation (for want of better linguistic expression) but still a sexual desire for the sexual act itself. Except it's a different type of act. Of course, not all fetishes are particularly sexual - I'm thinking of various parts within BDSM (darn my research) - but can be taken in a sexual way (example: whipping - some find it sexual and some don't).

Also there's nothing wrong with reading non-consensual sex scenes. I like a good murder film with some 'mucked up' actions but that doesn't mean I would do it or sit there and watch if it happened in real life. If it happened in real life by heaven's I would do something. It's fiction, it's all right to enjoy it. Just admire the writer's penmanship.

#7 Baca

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 01:13 PM

Hmm I dunno I suppose I've experienced fetishism a little in my time, during my quest to find out what the hell I was attracted to (before the thought of asexuality even crossed my mind) I experimented with various things. When I am in a bit of a raunchy state there's a couple of things that are.. kinks? (more turn-ons or um, turns? confusing.) Buuut that's not something I like discussing with people, even if they're massively tame compared to a lot of people ^_^
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#8 f1r3wire

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 03:09 PM

which I find so fascinating, unfortunately most people believes it circles sex but an asexual BDSM lifestyle must be possible, though extremely rare I'm sure).

It is entirely possible to have a BDSM lifestyle and still be asexual, just looking at some of the other places that I'm on shows that there are quite a few people who list themselves as asexual despite being on BDSM sites. It's pretty much an unban legend that everything to do with the fetish scene involves sex, there's a massive amount of activities that aren't actually sexual but still excite people and fit into the BDSM scene. For example even things like cuddles or being stroked counts if that's the primary way that you derive pleasure.
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#9 Senny

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:32 PM

I'm asexual and very into fetishes, kink, and BDSM! I have an account on a BDSM website - fetlife.com - and I'm in a group called "Asexual and Kinky" on there. BDSM does not equal sex, and it's amazing. :) Glad someone else on AVEN feels this way, because I was starting to feel like the only one.
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#10 f1r3wire

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:42 PM

I'm asexual and very into fetishes, kink, and BDSM! I have an account on a BDSM website - fetlife.com - and I'm in a group called "Asexual and Kinky" on there. BDSM does not equal sex, and it's amazing. :) Glad someone else on AVEN feels this way, because I was starting to feel like the only one.

It is nice to know someone else feels that same way, and I'm also on FetLife and in the same group, although I only joined a couple of days ago, as while I'll admit a lot of stuff in real life I won't talk about it online (yeah I'm the reverse of most people), still getting used to talking online.

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#11 jmerry

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 07:26 PM

I'm another case, somewhere in the D/S spectrum. I can't be sure which role I'd play because it's all third person in my head, and I'm too aromantic to seek out anything with a partner, but it's there.

#12 vrazda verlaine

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 07:46 PM

I have a... well, I don't know if it can be called a fetish, because I don't know how sexual it really is. It's about males in vulnerable or weak situations, by the way. I feel excited and fascinated in a way and want more when I witness it, read about it, write about it, or imagine it. But the enjoyment I feel is all in my mind. I don't feel a physical response like sexual arousal or pleasure. I know it's probably the closest thing I have to sexuality, so I've tried to use it to approximate feeling sexual before, but with no success.

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#13 prettyeyes

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 08:30 PM

I'm asexual and very into fetishes, kink, and BDSM! I have an account on a BDSM website - fetlife.com - and I'm in a group called "Asexual and Kinky" on there. BDSM does not equal sex, and it's amazing. :) Glad someone else on AVEN feels this way, because I was starting to feel like the only one.


Okay, good to know I'm not just a weirdo... I definetly have a fetish for domination and submission, but not even in a sexual way really. It just feels very... Mentally gratifying on both sides (I'd be considered a switch).

#14 LadyL

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 08:39 PM

Thanks for the OP and all the contributions. I was recently wondering how my fetishes fit in with asexuality. I'm always learning more. ^_^
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Posted 31 January 2010 - 08:40 PM


I'm asexual and very into fetishes, kink, and BDSM! I have an account on a BDSM website - fetlife.com - and I'm in a group called "Asexual and Kinky" on there. BDSM does not equal sex, and it's amazing. :) Glad someone else on AVEN feels this way, because I was starting to feel like the only one.


Okay, good to know I'm not just a weirdo... I definetly have a fetish for domination and submission, but not even in a sexual way really. It just feels very... Mentally gratifying on both sides (I'd be considered a switch).

That's why I like it too.
I'll join fetlife when I'm old enough. Seven months and counting. :lol:
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#16 Isanda

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 10:35 PM

Wow... thank you, everyone, for your posts. I'm so happy that there are other people on the boards who have experience with this. This indulgence of mine has been my biggest shame and secret for a long time, so it was a real struggle posting about it. Thanks for the support, everyone; you're the greatest.

I don't really get turned on by my fetishes for body parts. I find them very aesthetically pleasing, for example jaw lines, necks, collar bones. Those are my favourite features in any person. If you have a good one I'll stare and go in awe. I did it to my friend, he said i was being highly creepy staring at his collar bone.

I do this to a lesser degree all the time... and I get this overwhelming urge to sit them down and draw them. People can be so pretty, and I agree that jawlines and collarbones can just look beautiful. I honestly thought for a long time that sexual guys stared at boobs/butts because they had the same aesthetic fascination as I did.

Spooky. I went through pretty much the same thing. Similar fetish, just switch it round, I would much prefer to be a sub than a Dom. (If that went over your head it's part of the BDSM lifestyle - which I find so fascinating, unfortunately most people believes it circles sex but an asexual BDSM lifestyle must be possible, though extremely rare I'm sure).
One day you'll find somebody who enjoys the humiliation (it's just as much as a turn on for them as it is for you).

Maybe I'm seeing this in the wrong way but it's like enjoying sex whilst still being asexual. No orientation (for want of better linguistic expression) but still a sexual desire for the sexual act itself. Except it's a different type of act. Of course, not all fetishes are particularly sexual - I'm thinking of various parts within BDSM (darn my research) - but can be taken in a sexual way (example: whipping - some find it sexual and some don't).

I agree with you about the 'sex without sexuality'. It's not a sexual attraction to a person at all for me. I'm not sure I'd actually enjoy acting it out in real life... all my fantasies are third-person and many of the things that have gone through my mind would be absolutely horrifying to me in real life. But judging from how immensely fun I find it to act as a 'character' when dressing up, I have a feeling I just might grow into some of the tamer aspects. Hmm... could this become a way to compromise with a sexual? I am intrigued by the possibilities...

Also there's nothing wrong with reading non-consensual sex scenes. I like a good murder film with some 'mucked up' actions but that doesn't mean I would do it or sit there and watch if it happened in real life. If it happened in real life by heaven's I would do something. It's fiction, it's all right to enjoy it. Just admire the writer's penmanship.

Thanks... it's very hard for me to not feel like I am a horrible person for finding enjoyment from other people's suffering, even if it is all made up. Your words help. =)
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#17 prettyeyes

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 12:47 AM

Someone should start an asexual BDSM site... :lol:
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#18 WakingDreamer

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:06 AM

If there was an asexual fetish site out there for my own fetish, I would be so very happy.

It took a while for me to realize my own asexuality, but it also took me a long time to realize I had a fetish on top of that. I mean, how's that supposed to work anyhow, right? Heh. Anyway, I discovered after signing up with a few relevant fetish websites and talking to the people there that the act of the fetish itself was great, but everyone else wanted to talk about how that tied in with their sex lives and all that... and I wasn't interested in that extra stuff.

It's a relief to remember that there are others out there in the same predicament I'm in.

#19 Teagan KGB

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:45 AM

Someone should start an asexual BDSM site... :lol:


Omg! Yes!


I have an odd combination of fetishes and I dislike most everything else, so I don't like looking for anything because of all the weirdness that I have to sift through that isn't quite right or is disturbingly wrong. :( :blink: I think I'd ask someone to draw/write what I'd like to read, but that in itself feels kind of weird to think about...
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#20 Senny

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 02:30 AM

Someone should start an asexual BDSM site... :lol:


YES!!
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#21 Isanda

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 02:44 AM

Agreeing on the asexual BSDM site idea too. I know nothing about the BSDM community at large, but from the little research I've done so far, it seems like some sexuals who practice BSDM also hold the mindset of 'sex is optional, focus on the kink'. We're not alone, guys!

I'm gonna go sign up on Fetlife now and edumacate myself some more.
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#22 Senny

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 02:52 AM

My fetlife username is sennyx. Add me, people!
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#23 prettyeyes

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 05:00 AM

I might have to join too. Oh man, if I found an asexual or gray-a female sub I think my life would be so much more interesting...

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:07 PM

Fetlife has every sexuality on their choice list, I swear. I think the asexy BDSM scene will start there.

#25 f1r3wire

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:17 PM

Someone should start an asexual BDSM site... :lol:

So much agree on that one, it'd be so handy, although given the percentage of asexuals and the few of them that are kinky I doubt anyone would be near anyone else, which is a shame, still it's a great idea.

it seems like some sexuals who practice BSDM also hold the mindset of 'sex is optional, focus on the kink'. We're not alone, guys!

There does seam to be a high number of them really, the sex is fairly optional, it's more about the feelings that people get from whatever kink they have.

I'm gonna go sign up on Fetlife now and edumacate myself some more.

Yay, more asexuals on fetlife.

My fetlife username is sennyx. Add me, people!

I agree with that sentiment, I'm also on fetlife with the user name f1r3wire, please add me, people.

Fetlife has every sexuality on their choice list, I swear. I think the asexy BDSM scene will start there.

There seams to be a fair number of asexuals already there, I wonder how many asexuals there where like me, who's into kink but wasn't happy about talking about it just in case they where misunderstood.
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#26 andrew_w

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 07:01 AM

I don't really have to reconcile sexual arousal from fetishes and asexuality, as for me I don't really get sexual arousal the feels I get from fetish activities amazingly intense and make me feel all lovely and floaty but do not really have any direct sexual feelings. It's a little hard to describe really, or I lack the proper words (I'm not sure which) but I just get the most amazing happy feelings, but they're not concentrated to any sort of sexual part of me, they're all over and they don't really spark any sort of desire to take it further to any sexual contact. I think I can best describe the feelings as sort of akin to childlike warm and fuzzy, if that makes sense, from things that fit my fetishes. I think some of it is helped by the fact that most of the fetishes that I'm into are visual or mental, and the few that do actually involve physical contact are very innocent and strictly not openly sexual, it's kind of hard to explain without getting very technical.
I'm happy to share stories, or more in depth information, just not on a public forum, but I'm quite happy to talk in over PM


I am kind of the same way. My fetish is associated with a form of internal nonsexual "arousal" similar to what you describe. However, I do usually experience a kind of sexual arousal alongside the nonsexual "arousal", although it is not associated with any need for orgasm (I believe that my nonsexual "arousal" has a stabilizing effect on sexual arousal, preventing it from getting to the point where orgasmic release is required). Since it is based on enclosure at its core (along with several secondary fetishes, none of which are really "sexual" in any meaningful sense), my fetish is ideal for just staying in a state of sustained arousal without going any further. Because of the nature of my fetish, I don't consider it to be sexual at all, and I have no trouble reconciling it with my asexuality.

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 07:43 AM

Whoa O_O
I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I never really considered it a fetish until a few moments ago.

#28 prettyeyes

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 08:05 AM

And just like that, you can find me on Fetlife as mycandycoffin.

#29 eidolon

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 11:43 AM

I have quite a few fetishes. If you want to know what they are for some reason, you can see on Gearfetish.com (where I'm shyseattleite, although I don't use the site any more) or on Fetlife (where I just registered, thanks to this thread, as lupusrex180). I also sent friend requests to those who've shared their usernames in this thread. Even though we're almost complete strangers. =D

#30 Isanda

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 12:05 AM

I am kind of the same way. My fetish is associated with a form of internal nonsexual "arousal" similar to what you describe. However, I do usually experience a kind of sexual arousal alongside the nonsexual "arousal", although it is not associated with any need for orgasm (I believe that my nonsexual "arousal" has a stabilizing effect on sexual arousal, preventing it from getting to the point where orgasmic release is required). Since it is based on enclosure at its core (along with several secondary fetishes, none of which are really "sexual" in any meaningful sense), my fetish is ideal for just staying in a state of sustained arousal without going any further. Because of the nature of my fetish, I don't consider it to be sexual at all, and I have no trouble reconciling it with my asexuality.

Huh... I can identify with several things you mentioned. The arousal that I feel when indulging my fetish is markedly different than the physical arousal I've felt when experimenting with my boyfriend/myself. And like you mentioned, mine just gets to a certain point and then stays there--I don't feel any need to try to take it any further. But it's most definitely genital arousal for me... so I don't quite know what to make of it.

Very strange...

By the way, guys, I'm Isanda over on Fetlife now. That site has to be the friendliest I've seen in a long time. If I ever make a site, I want it to have a UI like theirs. I find myself laughing on the comments the site attaches to stuff as mundane as uploading a picture!
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