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What is Sexual Frustration?


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#1 kakkobean

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Posted 26 January 2010 - 11:22 PM

Hello, just an ace curious about something.

I'm conversing with a friend who, I guess from my point of view, is highly sexual. I had posted on my journal a list of "ten reasons why food is better than sex", and one of them was, "people can go without sex for more than 6 months". This comes from a statistical fact that a person can survive without food for a total of six months before their condition deteriorates completely (people can only go without water for one month, but if they drink water without eating food, they last for six months). My friend said that it wasn't true. I asked her what she meant, because I'd never heard of anyone dying specifically from a lack of sex. So she brought up sexual frustration as a debilitating experience that she goes through when she hasn't had sex for a long time.

I'm really confused. Aside from the fact that I've just outed myself as an ace to a friend who may or may not understand my point of view, I never thought that sexual frustration was as severely debilitating as she described it to be. What exactly constitutes sexual frustration? Is it like a medical condition that needs to be treated, or is it bearable? I can't wrap my head around it at all.
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#2 HeidiUK

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Posted 26 January 2010 - 11:45 PM

Being ace (and never having had sex) I am clearly not the best person to answer this.

However, I have a couple highly sexual male and female friends and from what they have told me in the past, I am going to take a stab at a half-decent answer, okay?

:wacko:

Apparently, you start to feel aroused over anything and can't stop thinking about having sex/alone time until you get a 'pressure release' (obviously dependant on if you are male/female that can produce different outcomes).

I know there are some people with additions to sex and orgasms (they produce feel good endorphins that one can also get from other activities they enjoy), so maybe your friend is slightly addicted? Just a thought.

H xx

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#3 LadyL

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 12:04 AM

During one of my demisexual periods I experienced sexual frustration AND sexual depression, because the guy and I never hooked up. I guess it's physiological? A mix of desiring sex or sexual contact so bad that your body and mind can't properly function? I know I couldn't concentrate in school at the time, I felt like crying, my body ached...
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#4 Dreamstate

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 01:13 AM

When I came out as ace to one of my cousins, we then engaged in a pretty deep conversation about sexuality. My take and his take, blah blah blah. He described it as "an overpowering urge that was sometimes difficult to control. He thinks about sex all the time and has for as long as he can remember." I imagine that if you've got that happening, but can't "resolve" the feeling it would probably get pretty intense. Obviously I can't draw a meaningful comparison, but I think of something that I enjoy or want a lot (or a lot of), and being deprived of it. My car, food, chocolate, candies, (cake?) lol. I'd get pretty ticked off after a while.
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#5 evanescence

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 03:15 AM

Yeah, what I don't understand about this whole "sexual frustration" business is, why not masturbate to relieve the tension?

I'm one of those people who experiences a periodic need for orgasm without any accompanying desire for sex. When the desire hits, I give myself 2-3 orgasms and presto, it's gone.
I'm told that masturbation doesn't replace sex for sexual people, but still, I would think it would relieve some of the physical discomfort.

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#6 LadyL

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 03:40 AM

Yeah, what I don't understand about this whole "sexual frustration" business is, why not masturbate to relieve the tension?

I'm one of those people who experiences a periodic need for orgasm without any accompanying desire for sex. When the desire hits, I give myself 2-3 orgasms and presto, it's gone.
I'm told that masturbation doesn't replace sex for sexual people, but still, I would think it would relieve some of the physical discomfort.

E.

I believe it would relieve some of that tension, but not in the way that they want. Sexual urges are intertwined with sexual attraction to others for them. Remember the hunger metaphors: hunger vs hungry for ____ (insert food of choice).
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#7 Galen

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Posted 27 January 2010 - 06:28 AM

As a sexual I believe your friend is exaggerating, but then Prison systems seem to allow conjugal visits in many countries.

Past that I don't really want to start some debate here on needs between sexuals and asexuals. The best I can suggest is it may be more like an addiction, but having never been "addicted" to drugs, alcohol etc.. I really don't know.

Sex and masturbation may appear the same, but are really to totally different things.

#8 vast_ocean

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Posted 30 January 2010 - 06:58 PM

I don't think it is as debilitating as your friend says.

But I mean if you're friend has gone from being in a relationship and used to having sex however frequently she did to not having sex at all then it could be something she needs you get used to.

I would also agree that sex and masturbation are different. I would say there is an emotional side to sex which you don't get with masturbation.

#9 Richly Blessed

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Posted 30 January 2010 - 09:51 PM

If masturbation could resolve sexual frustration then there'd be no reason for all the hurt that exists in sexual/asexual relationships. Sexual frustration is a frame of mind. I could have just had an orgasm and be sexually frustrated. Why? Sexual frustration is a result of someone not being in a satisfying sexual relationship. If there was a person who didn't need sex, just the occasional "pressure release" then they would never have a problem with sexual frustration. A person could be in a healthy sexual relationship and still be sexually frustrated. Sexual frustration is a complete lack of "something" involved in sex that you need to be satisfied. For one person it could be bondage, for another it could be oral. Either way, it's simply something that one needs that they are not getting. Why is this detrimental? No you're right, it won't kill the person, but it could lead to depression and if unchecked, and the right circumstances exist, that person could commit suicide. To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)

#10 PiF

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Posted 30 January 2010 - 10:01 PM

for gamers a similar thing would be wanting mum and dad to get of the plasma screen so they can turn on the xbox and continue to play thier favourite game and beat the level they have been stuck on for so many days

intense, enfuriating, frustrating, emotional...makes no sense but pure elation and release when that momment has been reached

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#11 Sally

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:35 AM

To the asexuals here, please keep in mind that when your lover is horny and aggravating the hell out of you simply by trying to show you how much they love you, they have a need that only you can fill and if you do not, you are contributing to their depression. Not trying to get preachy cause I know it's a two way street. Just saying, keep that in mind if you value your relationship. :)


That's a bit too much. Quite a bit too much. <_<

You could just as easily say that the asexual has a need to not be aggravated about having sex, the sexual is contributing to the asexual's depression, and the sexual should keep that in mind if they value their relationship. What would be better would be for them to discuss what they need and determine if they can come to a compromise.

Asexuals may be in the minority number-wise, but that doesn't mean that sexuals should expect to them to have all the say in a relationship.
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#12 PiF

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:42 AM

Tis true

we constantly go on about sexuals understanding we do not like or want sex within a partnership and some say the usual old bolloxs...if they love you then they must respect your asexual....cobblers

if you enter into a relationship with a sexual then BOTH partners have to respect the others differences and make compramises...or you shouldn't be in that relationship

otherwise it becomes a very one sided relationship..and that people..is one person controlling another

and richly blessed ...making such statements as a asexual not having sex with thier sexual partner may cause depression and suicide has to be one of the most ill informed and opiniated pile of poo I have read in here for sometime...and I've been here a while

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#13 Olivier

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Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:54 AM

What is Sexual Frustration?

Oh man, if I could just put up a brain dump right now... :blush:

But... it's complicated. It's bearable, and I feel fine, and I didn't sleep at all last night, and I'm climbing the walls (a bit) and... yeah. Sex right now would be good :redface:

It'll pass, no doubt - I'm not feeling lucky :(

#14 sexualwithasexual

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:07 AM

I agree with Sally, I was going to say the same thing about this idea that someone, (anyone) could be solely responsible for your unhappiness, just cuz they do not have sex with you or for any other reason for that matter, well, that's just wrong.

But the part about depression? That's been said here before. By many sexuals. I know Olivier has dealt with depression. And suicide is simply the worst case symptom of depression, so that is not far fetched.

But here's the thing.

There's sexual frustration that is physical/hormonal.

And then there is sexual frustration that is emotional (unrequited love).

And then there's the kind sexual's experience when they are with an asexual partner.

Now that's the one that has caused some serious depression for folks, ESPECIALLY before they knew about asexuality. After understanding asexuality, you are less apt to get depressed over it. It becomes concrete and outside of your responsibility. It's just a fact, not a mutable, relationship dysfunction. I guess some might get more depressed from this new insight, but I did not have that experience at all. I was relieved to realize I was lovable after all and that I was not doing anything to cause my partner to find me unattractive.

(Hang in there Olivier... I do think masturbation helps so much. And lustful snuggles full of laughter. (I find if I don't laugh during our lustful (for me) snuggles, that I will cry!) Laughter is such a bonding, soothing, healing salve. Without that, we'd be lost. My partner can laugh at my (to her) ridiculous sexual side, and not be disgusted. The longer I go in this place we're at now, which is a wait-and-see if our lives take us apart because of career situations (in the past we would just stick together - now we are opening up our independent options), the more I know that I am deep down, happy, sharing my life with this person.. We'll see..)

#15 sexualwithasexual

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:16 AM

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#16 Sally

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:35 AM

ICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the situation that can cause depression (or possibly suicide), not the other person. Just wanted to accentuate that, since there's often a complaint that their asexual partner has "caused" all sorts of things for the sexual appearing on AVEN. Not for the sexual appearing on AVEN, for the commenter on AVEN who is sexual...urk. Both sides can get equally depressed, since many asexuals don't want sex as much as sexuals want sex, and the asexuals are the ones usually made to feel guilty.

Will shut up now. Oliver, attack if you wish. :)
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#17 Olivier

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 02:29 AM

ICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the situation that can cause depression (or possibly suicide), not the other person. Just wanted to accentuate that, since there's often a complaint that their asexual partner has "caused" all sorts of things for the sexual appearing on AVEN. Not for the sexual appearing on AVEN, for the commenter on AVEN who is sexual...urk. Both sides can get equally depressed, since many asexuals don't want sex as much as sexuals want sex, and the asexuals are the ones usually made to feel guilty.

Will shut up now. Oliver, attack if you wish. :)

Why would I? I agree with you :cake:

But we all contribute to our situations, as do our partners if we have them. While nobody should feel responsible for another's emotions, they shouldn't feel that they can't affect them, either.

#18 Sally

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 02:54 AM

Contribute to situation and affect emotions, yes. Cause, no. Too often, humans tell other humans (notice non-genderality there), "You made me feel xxx!" No one causes someone else's sexual frustration. Lack of sex or inadequate sex or unhappy sex causes sexuals frustration. Just as unwanted sex causes asexuals (and sexuals also) frustration.

It's the situation. The situation is often caused by people who don't fit together in a particular way, in this case sexually.

The thing that's so hard for sexuals to understand, I think, is that they are assuming that they in particular are not desired by the asexual, whereas it's sex that's not desired by the asexual.

Even when that's known and understood, the sexual's still left with frustration and the asexual's still left with guilt. I just don't think it works very well, your situation excepted, Olivier, I guess. Most of the time.
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#19 Galen

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 05:40 AM

Contribute to situation and affect emotions, yes. Cause, no. Too often, humans tell other humans (notice non-genderality there), "You made me feel xxx!" No one causes someone else's sexual frustration. Lack of sex or inadequate sex or unhappy sex causes sexuals frustration. Just as unwanted sex causes asexuals (and sexuals also) frustration.

It's the situation. The situation is often caused by people who don't fit together in a particular way, in this case sexually.

The thing that's so hard for sexuals to understand, I think, is that they are assuming that they in particular are not desired by the asexual, whereas it's sex that's not desired by the asexual.

Even when that's known and understood, the sexual's still left with frustration and the asexual's still left with guilt. I just don't think it works very well, your situation excepted, Olivier, I guess. Most of the time.


I think Richly Blesses expressed it pretty well except for the Cause part. If I am reading and understanding correctly, it is not the partner that causes us to feel this way but our own reaction to the situation. I liked how he/she said that the sexual frustration is from the situation with the partner what ever the difference is.

Masturbating, having sex with others, cold showers etc... will not fill that gap. The only one that can fix it though is not your partner but yourself either by changing yourself or breaking away from your partner.

Sally, for many of us in relationships before we knew about Asexuality, it has been a feeling of rejection for years. Even though I know now, it still feels like I am not good enough often. I have built up this wall for 20+ years I am trying to overcome it, but it is taking time to. I personally don't think Olivier situation is grand (working well), he survives and goes through the same cycles as I do and possibly others here for wife and family.

#20 Sally

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 06:24 AM

I know, Galen. Believe me, 40 years of trying to be sexual wasn't grand either. There was quite a bit of "not good enough" feeling there also, and a lot of trying trying trying. Most sexual partners realize that you're trying and they complain, which makes you feel worse. And this is all before you read about anything called asexuality, so all you know is that you're failing in something everyone else seems to know how to do.

Sexuals and asexuals really aren't very different in how they feel. We are both human.
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#21 Galen

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 09:22 AM

Yeah, it is a fine line here at home, I really don't want to complain and make her feel any worse than she does. But, even if I say nothing I believe she knows why I am moping around. There are many other things going on around here but this one seems to consume me more than any other. I don't really know why I obsess over her she is smart, driven, beautiful, warm, soft etc...

I know that the need for companionship is separate from a desire for sex, many people have both some are missing one or the other, some both. I wish I could help all those missing the companionship because they don't desire the sex, it really isn't fair. Seems like sites like this would at least allow some people with this aspect to possibly meet and explore the hundreds of other parts to build relationships.

I wish things worked out better for you in the past, but it is nice having you here at least to hear your experiences and feelings, just wish it was from a successful mixed relationship. :cake: :cake:

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#22 Olivier

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 09:46 AM

I personally don't think Olivier situation is grand (working well), he survives and goes through the same cycles as I do and possibly others here for wife and family.

Well. I think it's grand :wub:

It's not perfect, but it's close, and I'm not sticking around for wife and family, I'm sticking around because this is where my happiness comes from, as well as the challenges. And that's how I see it: challenging. Some of the best and most satisfying things in life are. My wife and I thrive on challenges :)

#23 Galen

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 04:35 PM

I am glad your feeling good today.

There are many challenges in life, and it seems like your wife and you have found one that will never go away so can thrive forever on it.

Cheers

#24 Olivier

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Posted 01 February 2010 - 08:20 PM

There are many challenges in life, and it seems like your wife and you have found one that will never go away so can thrive forever on it.

Indeed, that's the plan. We don't imagine the sexual side of our relationship will ever stop taking effort to keep in fragile balance, but that's just a price of keeping all the other wonderful things we have. And challenging doesn't mean awful - to succeed at the challenge we need to find things that work well for both of us, and we do. That carries its own satisfaction, on top of any we get from sex.

Others may find their perpetual challenges in putting food on the table, or living with illness or disability, or (more prosaically) mastering golf, or tolerating disparate political or religious views. And challenging sex lives are not limited to mixed-orientation couples.

#25 Cats

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 07:53 PM

.

[i]The thing that's so hard for sexuals to understand, I think, is that they are assuming that they in particular are not desired by the asexual, whereas it's sex that's not desired by the asexual.



]That is Gold what you just said, that hits it in the nutshell for me!

#26 BunnyK.

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 08:32 PM

I felt like this thread was calling my name! :P

I think Olivier's description was right on the money actually. It all gets so circular though - I feel fine physically, except for the symptoms of sexual frustration. But what are the symptoms of sexual frustration? Feeling fine except for wanting sex so much it hurts! It's maddening. It makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail and never ever catching it, like I am going to just start chewing on pens until they splinter, like I am going to implode and explode at the same time. Even people who normally would only be marginally attractive to me start becoming the object of speculation and fantasy, and I start getting aroused by just the smallest touch, even if it was accidental.

Masturbating definitely helps, but in order to calm myself down enough to become comfortable, I have to go way past the point (in this case meaning the number of orgasms) where I would be satisfied if someone else were involved, and it lasts..well...generally until the next time I see someone attractive or the next morning, whichever comes first.

In general I'm loath to admit that sex could impede your judgment, because I see enough comparisons of sexuality to drugs and addictions here as it is and it severely gets on my nerves, but I *will* say that things that would seem like a terrible idea if you weren't sexually frustrated can often seem like a better idea once you're frustrated enough - simply because it is such an aggravating feeling and you want to get rid of it. It's not that you can't still objectively see that it's a terrible idea, it's just that your priorities change a bit, I suppose...
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#27 SexualHubby

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 09:40 PM

Not really very often that I feel sexually frustrated, but I do go through that to some degree from time to time as well (as a sexual). The description of chewing on nails and having a drive that won't quit is probably accurate. I'm going through withdrawals from cigarettes right now as I'm trying to quit smoking- it is a kin to the cravings you have if you're a smoker and you haven't smoked all day...eventually the urge passes until something else comes up and reminds you that you want sex and haven't had it.

#28 Sally

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 10:49 PM

Not really very often that I feel sexually frustrated, but I do go through that to some degree from time to time as well (as a sexual). The description of chewing on nails and having a drive that won't quit is probably accurate. I'm going through withdrawals from cigarettes right now as I'm trying to quit smoking- it is a kin to the cravings you have if you're a smoker and you haven't smoked all day...eventually the urge passes until something else comes up and reminds you that you want sex and haven't had it.


That sounds like a good analogy. I tried to quit many times before I got hypnotized. My mind simply turned into one big "Where is that cigarette??!!!?"
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#29 Olivier

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:26 AM

Although I've never smoked, the quitting cravings analogy seems spot-on.

And all of Bunny's post rang true, especially the bit about how transient the relief from masturbation is. This part, however:

It all gets so circular though - I feel fine physically, except for the symptoms of sexual frustration. But what are the symptoms of sexual frustration? Feeling fine except for wanting sex so much it hurts! It's maddening. It makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail and never ever catching it, like I am going to just start chewing on pens until they splinter, like I am going to implode and explode at the same time. Even people who normally would only be marginally attractive to me start becoming the object of speculation and fantasy, and I start getting aroused by just the smallest touch, even if it was accidental.

doesn't make we wish I didn't get sexually frustrated, it makes me wish my wife did :blush:

Seriously, sexual frustration has one redeeming feature, and it's a biggie - sex to end the frustration can be fantastic, just on account of ending the frustration. Like, I'd imagine, a first cigarette after going without, or a beer when you're hot and thirsty.

#30 Ocelot

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:50 AM

When I came out as ace to one of my cousins, we then engaged in a pretty deep conversation about sexuality. My take and his take, blah blah blah. He described it as "an overpowering urge that was sometimes difficult to control. He thinks about sex all the time and has for as long as he can remember." I imagine that if you've got that happening, but can't "resolve" the feeling it would probably get pretty intense. Obviously I can't draw a meaningful comparison, but I think of something that I enjoy or want a lot (or a lot of), and being deprived of it. My car, food, chocolate, candies, (cake?) lol. I'd get pretty ticked off after a while.


Yeah, for me that would be the internet.

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