Selie Posted July 22, 2002 Share Posted July 22, 2002 Yeah. Tomorrow I meet up with my crush (online buddy) for the first time. Friend coming along because we all roleplay together. She'll only be with us part of the time, though. There will be much time when I'm just hanging out with my crush himself. I went to bed a few hours ago (must be up early to beat rush hour traffic) but woke up bout half an hour ago, because I was very nervous. I'm rather pissed off. I want to just ... be able to have a relationship with whomever I want, if they're open to the idea and I'm open to the idea. I hate the idea that I'm going to have to just ... hope the subject doesn't come up at all. I can understand that distance is a bad idea, and that after past incidents my family is not going to welcome another distance relationship from me (particularly not online). That I can accept. But the fact that I would have to try not to let him know, because we are incompatible? If he's interested in me, and I'm interested in him ... frankly, it just sucks having that but still being incompatible. At least homosexual people can know that if they have a crush on someone hetero, that person won't have a crush on them, and they can deal with the emotions accordingly. But ... if -this- is the case, that the interest is reciprocal, how much does it suck that things still wouldn't work out? How the hell am I supposed to satisfy my wish for romance if I can't really enter a relationship with someone sexual because it would be unfair to them? I hate this. It's almost enough for me to consider pretending to find sex interesting. But believe me, I know you shouldn't do something you are strongly opposed to just because you feel it will make someone else happy. They shouldn't expect that from you. If they do, they are unfair. Dammit. I'd start cursing a lot right now (I mean, I called this guy when he got into town on Saturday and nearly died at how happy I was to hear his voice, and what a nice voice it seemed to me) but it is probably just the nervousness and much-unhappiness speaking. I'm going to meet up with him as a friend. I'm going to act like he's just a friend. I'm going to enjoy his company ... and if he brings up anything more, I'll deal with it as it comes. Worrying about it now may be unnecessary and will only rob me of necessary sleep and make my stomach hurt like it has been. Sorry. I needed to vent -somewhere- and I thought maybe you guys might sympathize. I might tell him, if it comes down to it, that yes I have a crush on him, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now. I think that's ... fair enough ... or something. Shit. Link to post Share on other sites
nemesis Posted July 22, 2002 Share Posted July 22, 2002 Ah! I feel badly for you. I know what you're talking about, with the concern that a relationship with you is unfair to them. Actually, it's part of the reason I broke up with the only boyfriend I ever had... Anyway, tell us how it goes. Good luck. :) Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted July 22, 2002 Share Posted July 22, 2002 Tricksy. It seems like your going to have to hold of and develope more of a non-Relationship relationship with him before your ready to form something like a romantic relationship with this kid. Otherwise its "Hi, I think your really great and want to go out with you only we can't really use any models of dating or romantic relationships as you're used to thinking of them, k?" You don't want the "i'm emotionally interested" and all of the confusing questions and implications about asexual relationships to come in the same cocktail, so you're going to have to find a way to seperate them over time. Trouble is asexuality inherintly prohibits romantic relationships in most sexuals' books. So: A) You can't mention asexuality first, because you risk being immediately discounted as a potential emotional partner B)You can't mention being interested first, because then sexuality issues are going to come up almost instantly. The trick (and I don't know how to do this either) is bringing up asexuality in such a way that it doesn't wall you in to the other person's potentially limited definition of "just friends" without immediately betraying your interest in them. You have to get them comfortable with asexuality and asexual relationships (as you define them) before they will consider having one, but if you let loose that you're interested before they're comfortable it could scare them off. You see the circular logic that I, too, am caught in. Harumph, this post is, mayhaps, too long and cyclical. I think this could do with a healthy dose of introspection. What exactly do you WANT from a relationship with this boy and how much of that can you get without having to directly conjure the spectre of dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Selie Posted July 23, 2002 Author Share Posted July 23, 2002 Well, if he's interested in me (I dunno, he seems to be, but then again, he's not making any "moves" or anything) ... he's respecting my distance. I have many mental repercussions from a prior relationship and he knows about most of them, and has now witnessed me randomly almost fall apart in person instead of just online. I think he may be interested in me but want to try to form a healthy strong, strong friendship first, which I appreciate. I think he's trying to give me my space and my time to heal, and an ear to listen when I need it and maybe a shoulder to cry on when he's around. I think he's one hell of a nice guy. I really did want to take things slowly, if they go anywhere at all, and it seems that he's thinking the same thing, if he wants to try taking it anywhere at all. At the very least, he's a damn good friend. But I still feel possessive of him. I adore him now. Not in love, but he's just really a great guy. I am lucky to count him as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda Posted July 26, 2002 Share Posted July 26, 2002 So I want to respond to AVENguy's ideas about how to deal with a potential romantic situation. In crush situations I have asked the person if they wanted to kiss but followed up with explaining that I am not interested in sex. In one of my best situations that I did this I ended up talking with this friend for hours about asexuality, and my interest in companionship, closeness and intimacy but not sex. We never kissed. yet it was a really great night. I guess this wont help if one doesnt even like kissing. I do sometimes, but I find very few people who I would be excited to kiss. Perhaps we could start a new topic, Asexuals:kissing or not? or is that too personal... I have to add that I am psyched to have this forum to discuss these things and have people (maybe) understand what I am talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
nemesis Posted July 27, 2002 Share Posted July 27, 2002 I don't think it's too personal. With me, I've never wanted to kiss anyone. I get nothing out of kissing. I tried. I find that I just stand there and wonder at the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Madame_Sosotris Posted August 12, 2002 Share Posted August 12, 2002 Good luck! In both of my relationships I managed to get around this problem only by telling the person that because I valued his friendship and that he meant a lot to me, I needed to tell him something about me, and then proceeded to tell him that I was less comfortable with physical romance than most people. Okay, so this brings up a whole host of other issues, like being directly told that my crush couldn't understand that at all (he got over it...we started going out six months later, with the understanding that I would set the physical/sexual limits in the relationship and if he was having major problems with them we would discuss them...four months later he's still willing to accept the fact that I don't want him to kiss me, touch my face, my legs or most of my torso and I've found I can be okay holding hands.) But wow, trust me, I've been there, and I don't envy you right now. One of the hardest moments in my life is to have to break my heart by telling someone. I wish I had more advice. I suppose at only 19 it's easier for me to recommend this, but what about telling him you don't believe in premarital sex and if you get to the point in time where you start worrying about marital sex than you will hopefully also be at a point where you can discuss sexual orientation? Link to post Share on other sites
PlatonicPimp Posted August 14, 2002 Share Posted August 14, 2002 Hoave you considered directing him to this site in a subtle way? ( Some thing like "Oh, yeah, I moderate the forums on this one site") then hopefully he visits on his own and comes away with the conceptual tools need for understanding your relationship desires. Though you should be removing desire from your relationship and simply engaging the relationship that is. Yeah, Buddha n' stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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