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with love, even sex is possible


leftypunk

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Hey everybody. It seems to me that everyone in here thinks that in order to be asexual you can not ever have sex or want to have sex with anyone. I have to tell you that this isn't the case, even though I am sure that many of you do fall under that category. I for one (as you may or may not know) am engaged and do have sex with my fiance. No, not because I'm horny. No, not because I am a sexual person at all. I do find him very beautiful, and i have actually experienced arousal from him in the past. But I really just want to be intimate with him and I see sex as a very beautiful way to experience intimacy. I don't, and have never, felt the need to have sex with anyone except him, and I find our sexual relationship to be very beautiful- it is nothing like the sex you see in the media or like the way people talk about the way sex is supposed to be. it's just a beautiful connection between me and him, and I guess maybe many of you would view me as being sexual because of that. But I'm not, I'm simply an asexual who has found a soulmate and therefore has a desire to feel close to someone in that respect. I'm very curious to know what others think about this, so please respond. Has anyone else ever experienced a connection such as this? Thanx!

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It seems to me that everyone in here thinks that in order to be asexual you can not ever have sex or want to have sex with anyone.

Wellllll... yes, in a *way* you are right. Because someone who is asexual is, in broad terms, someone who doesn't generally want sex. (There has been a lot of discussion elsewhere on the board on what exactly constitutes asexuality; I can't repeat it all here!) What is more relevant in your case is the "low sex drive" aspect of asexuality - see http://www.asexuality.org/bigfaq.htm#def4 for more on that.

I would disagree that the sentiment on this board is "cannot ever" as a lot of us have experimented in the past, then discovered it didn't turn us on, and some of us are open to the idea that maybe we will change later on, even if it seems incredibly unlikely right now. And there are others on here who have mentioned that they have/have had sex with their spouse/partner, even though they didn't particularly enjoy it. We just know that we don't feel the need to have sex *now*. We can't know the future; we can't alter the past.

Your definition of your relationship with your partner:

But I really just want to be intimate with him and I see sex as a very beautiful way to experience intimacy. I don't, and have never, felt the need to have sex with anyone except him, and I find our sexual relationship to be very beautiful- it is nothing like the sex you see in the media or like the way people talk about the way sex is supposed to be.

... is probably similar to that which a lot of sexual people feel. Not everyone is promiscuous, despite what the media would have you think, and not everyone is looking for a one night stand or a no-strings-attached type affair. There are plenty of people in faithful relationships. Really.

I'm not saying you are or are not asexual; I don't presume to know your mind or mentality. Your decision to have sex or not to have sex is yours alone. All I know is that I personally identify as asexual because I have not had, do not want to have, and never feel the need to have, sex or a sexual relationship. However, just as there are different degrees of intensity of sexuality, so there are different degrees of asexuality. No degree is better or more right than another.

~Coral[/url]

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VivreEstEsperer

I agree with the "different degrees of asexuality thing." . technically if you don't "feel a need for sex" then I would say it would still fall under asexual, just a different degree. A lot of us here might not understand why you have sex necessarily but if we say that its just a different degree of asexuality than I would think that's all the explanation we would need, and we accept you nevertheless:)

hope that made sense-

Kate

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Not everyone is promiscuous, despite what the media would have you think, and not everyone is looking for a one night stand or a no-strings-attached type affair. There are plenty of people in faithful relationships. Really.

LOL! Ah, that struck me as really funny. Anyway...

leftypunk- I think that a person can be both sexually active and asexual. Just like a heterosexual could have sex with the same sex, or a homosexual with the opposite sex. It's not as though we're not physically equipped. However, I think that even should I find a soul mate, the act would be more of me sacrificing something for someone else's needs then what you describe. That's just me though, people are all so different :)

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LOL! Ah, that struck me as really funny. Anyway...

I'm glad it amused. ;)

However, I think that even should I find a soul mate, the act would be more of me sacrificing something for someone else's needs then what you describe.

That's pretty much how I feel. I can't conceive of loving anyone enough to voluntarily go through that, either. It's a bit like the old - "Would you give your life for someone you love?" problem. Some people think they could, others think they wouldn't be able to. When it comes down to it, though, you never know until you're actually put into that situation.

I also find it incredibly difficult - more like impossible - to believe that sex is the one and only way or even the best way to express an emotional connection. A yucky exchange of bodily fluids sounds gross, not beautiful or life-changing!! That would definitely put me off further. But, each to his or her own.

Thankfully, I don't have to worry about it. I know it's never going to be an issue. *g*

~Coral

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Chia Roscura

Leftypunk, I hear you. I unqualifiedly (is that a word?) affirm all your comments and perceptions. And I also loved the heck out of all the subsequent comments from everyone. I would say, however, looking into the future thru some hard-earned wisdom, that you should think forward -- WAY forward -- like DECADES forward, and make sure you have a courageous attitude about what it will be like, after you've been married a long time, to continue to have sex with a sexual partner after the bloom is so far off the rose you don't even remember where the garden is. Assuming you remain asexual -- and i suppose you could change, though....well, I guess it's possible...but assuming you remain asexual, after thirty years of doing the wild thing when your body isn't really into it, well, it can be done, but plannnnnnnnnnnnn aheaddddddddddddd for how you're going to deal with the DILEMMA of potentially NOT WANTING TO IN A BIG WAY, when the partner has other ideas -- in an equally big way. Short form: make sure you're ready for what it could be like once the romance thing has transmuted into the weve-sure-been-married-a-long-time thing. Hey, IT CAN BE DONE and rather well, too! But it's easier to navigate those years if you Plan Ahead and talkkkkk about it with your sexual-desiring beloved, so he's ready for those days of difference, too. Anyway, it's beautiful to see how much you love him, Leftypunk. It's uplifting and lovely. You have a sweet, warm heart. Thanks for sharing that with us.

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I think that you raise a really important issue, and one that we've sidestepped on this forum. I for one think that a signifigant part of sexuality isn't actually about sex, it's about other stuff (emotional expression, hugging) that alot of asexuals are into. I can't say that I've ever had sex with anyone, but you raise the intersting point (perhaps) that sexuality is different when it's acknowledged that one is asexual then when you're not. It sounds like (completely my reading) your partner isn't expecting you to get sexually excited, but acknowledges that for you it's just an abstract kind of hug. That would definitely change the dyanamic. I don't know if that fits/makes sense at all, it's just an interesting distinction between you case and all of the people who've been uninterested in sex in the past. (Not that this is suddenly a way for all of us to be sexual and not that we should therefore all run out and do it. The only danger in acknowledging that asexuals can, under very specific circumstances, be ok with sex is all of the people out there who will take that as evidence that we should center out lives around it.)

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Interesting line of thought. Sexuality aside for a moment, I think our society indoctrinates us into very "yes/no," "right/wrong," "black/white" thinking. A large number of people (in the context of almost ANY topic, asexuality notwithstanding) seem to automatically get twitchy and uncomfortable around the idea of "maybe" or "degrees" of something. They want a clear cut answer-- either "you are" something, or "you're not" something. You're not allowed to be "sort of" something.

I can only speak from personal experience in a psychology context.... but more often than not, "absolute conviction" is an intellectual/moral/lifestyle choice (statement) while "shades of gray" tend to be more where people end up when they listen to their inner gut feel/intuition talk. Not saying either one is "right" or "wrong," of course.... just saying that I don't think it makes anyone a "defective" person to "get out of their head, and get into their feelings." :lol:

--Den

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I'd like to thank you guys for understanding. AVENguy, you are totally right about "an abstract kind of hug." That's really exactly what it is. I'm not sure if my boyfriend quite understands what I feel like in regards to sex, but at least he respects it and doesn't expect me to be into it all of a sudden. As for it changing in the future, I don't really think it will but if I do wake up one day and absolutely refuse to have sex with him ever again, I think that he would support me in that. I HIGHLY doubt that he's the cheating type but I guess you never know. Well thanx guys, sorry it took a while to respond.

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i believe roseanne said it best in an episode of her series:

"SEX IS BAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!"

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Guest Anonymous

After Thirty plus years of Marriage I finally, Said out with it, why don't you want me? I knew the answer already but but couldn't hide from it anymore. We have an intensely romantic relationship and it has been very painful for me to pushed away. Years ago he was saw a Psycholist and shared his sexuality with him. He was told that woman leave if thier husband's refuses them. Because he didn't want to lose me he has dutifully done so. He didn't share it with me but told me that was because I was fat. I lost twenty pounds. I have suufered very much over this but I feel we are on a new level now and ask him not to force himself. I see that he has made a tremendous Sacrifice for me over the years. Now I know it was not a lack of love for me but because he hadn't shared the reason it didn't feel like it. Now I understand. I found it interesting that someone commented on "Yucky body Fluids. as it was simular to his comment. I am in a lot of pain right now as because of his job we are seperated and can't talk as we want to. I love him very much. He is one of the most manly men I know.

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Guest Anonymous

Thanks for the wow. You have no idea how much our whole story is a big beautiful WOW. We were Highs School sweet hearts, meeting six weeks before I graduated. We dated for three years before we married. We had a very romantic relationship with lots of hugs, kissing, cuddling and soul sharing. He has always told me we are soul mates and so we are. This issue has been hard on both of us. I often felt unloved and he was afraid that I wouldn't love him if I knew. He has told me in different subtle ways over the years. So I knew. It was hard to comprehend how this handsome romantic man, who I knew loved me didn't want me when I wanted him so much. It was like being a starving person with a table set before them of their favorite foods and held back from the feast. Instead it was the crumbs that fell off that kept me from dying of hunger. The more I loved him the deeper the pain. I often was angry and I am sure it made him feel unloved. For sixteen years after his therapy he has faithful tried to please me. I don't agree with what he was told. It was not a chore. On the Physical he has pleased me. Still the hunger I had for him was not just for his body. It was for whole of him. The man who's the beauty of soul I saw and who I love more deeply as the years went by I wanted to be gift to. It was the surrender of the self that I wanted to give and to receive. Our body and the souls given over not to passion but to our love. That is the problem with this society, we see descriptions of sex in it that are of lust but not of love. What do they know about love? They think it is about genitals when it is about the exchange of self not body fluid. So, it was the void of self that I felt when we were together in the martial embrace. I began to fill that void in with my own love. I saw myself as an altar that I could lay my love upon. In that way I could receive what he could give without sadness. It was the only way I could give myself totally to him. The anger went away. I thought things were good. Then he left for several months with his job. When he can back he panicked because it was difficult for him to get back to forcing himself. So I said enough we need to talk about this and he told me the truth I have always known. Now I see how great is the gift he has given me over the years, how dearly he loved me. Now he also knows I still love him even through I know. I talked to him about what a man was and what a manly man he was to me. I forbid him from ever forcing himself again. He had to leave for his job shortly afterwards. I went out to visit him for a week and it was beautiful. Yes, we were together. He is more relaxed and at peace. It was at his pace and when he was uncomfortable he could pull away. We have talked and he doesn't want to give up that part of our relationship. I think he likes the cuddly as he doesn't want to give up our lovemaking he has need of me too. Still, it is a pure gift to me that he wants to give. I am quite humbled and in awe of such love. When he gets back we plan on reviewing our past life together and seeing where we have hidden from each other. Our love is deeper and truer than ever. We are going to renew our vows. I have hope that he may be someday able to enjoy intercourse.Not because that will make him a better person but because I still have a gift I want to give to my beloved. If he doesn't that is OK, my love is true and doesn't depend on it. Still as we talk about it, I believe we will find that our needs for intimacy are closer that we imagined. We are soul mates after all.

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  • 4 weeks later...
guardianoftheblind

Anonymous, that is a very touching story. You are reassurance to me that it is possible for a sexual person to understand the feelings of their asexual partner. I wish you and your husband the best.

Leftypunk, I have a similar view of sex as you do. I don't want sex, but I want to have sex (how's that for doublespeak, heh heh). In my eyes sex is indeed more than an exchange of bodily fluids, much like a hug is more than wrapping your arms around someone and a kiss is more than applying pressure with your lips. The physical act of sex isn't something I look forward to (I don't find it completely disgusting, but it doesn't sound like much fun either), what I look forward to is sharing a personal intimate experience with the person I love. Part of the beauty I see is the trust given to your partner during an experience that many people, sexual and asexual, have described as awkward and embarrassing. Maybe sex isn't the best word to describe that sort of intimacy, I think the word sex brings up images of a limited amount of physical acts. Making love, although commonly used as a euphamism for sex, is a better description of the experience you have with your fiance and the experience I hope to have someday when I have a spouse, expressing profound love through the physical act of sex.

I have some questions I'd like to ask you Leftypunk that I hope you don't mind answering here, I can get pretty personal. At what point in your relationship did you start having sex, and had you discussed anything about sex with your fiance prior to actually doing it? Do you discuss with your fiance any specific desires that he has, like what he wants you to do to physically please him? How much does your fiance know about your asexuality, and do you think you would be able to come out and tell him exactly how you feel? I also wish you and your fiance the best.

Denmarkguy, excellent points about shades of grey. Labels and categories like asexual can help people understand themselves and identify with others, but they can also be restricting and and exclusive. I think it's awesome that people who describe themselves as asexuals can still have different ideas and experiences with sex. Even here when we're among people we would consider like us in terms of being asexual, we can still learn a lot from each other's differences.

Different degrees of asexuality is awesome; the world would be a boring place if everyone was the same.

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  • 1 month later...
It sounds like (completely my reading) your partner isn't expecting you to get sexually excited, but acknowledges that for you it's just an abstract kind of hug.

Yes, that's it, that's it exactly. :)

Hi, I'm new here. I just discovered AVEN a few hours ago, and I'm still all :shock: Wow! This makes so much sense! This is a wonderfully complete articulation of so many things I haven't been able to quite understand about myself over the years!

So, I'm married. I have sex with my husband fairly often. (Notably, since I'm a woman, I don't have to be aroused to have sex.) I don't mind having sex; it can even be kind of fun. And "abstract kind of hug" is exactly how I've described my feeling about sex to my husband. Well, actually I used the phrase "a more aerobic form of cuddling."

And I think it makes sense for me to identify as asexual because I feel no drive for sex. If for some reason my husband suddenly couldn't have sex anymore, I'd feel bad for him ('cause he's sexual) but I wouldn't mind on my account. Not that I mind having sex, either. I can take it or leave it. *shrug* And that's why I'm here...

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