Jump to content


Photo

Demisexual


  • This topic is locked This topic is locked
12 replies to this topic

#1 jow

jow

    Asexy

  • AVEN Members
  • 441 posts
  • Location:B'ham and Bucks
  • A/Sexuality:Greyromantic something

Posted 10 September 2009 - 09:10 PM

What is demisexuality?

I keep seeing the word crop up every so often but I'm not entirely sure I understand the meaning.

Is it like being attracted to a person (like a specific person), not because of their gender or anything but because it's THEM? (The only example I can think of is the John Paul/Craig Hollyoaks storyline so....)


Please correct me if I'm wrong :)
It's JoW as in mow, not JoW as in cow....

To love is to try, and die trying - The Tragically Hip

x

#2 sunny_girl

sunny_girl

    A-gent

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,982 posts
  • Gender:Female (:
  • Location:Cheshire, UK
  • A/Sexuality:Asexual ...something or other. I'm romantic, I guess. :'D

Posted 10 September 2009 - 09:25 PM

If it helps, here is the AVENwiki definition of demisexuality. <3

http://www.asexualit...itle=Demisexual
"Imagination is so much more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein Posted Image "I'd sugar coat it for you, but it wouldn't be worth the fondant."

Posted Image

#3 Guest_Heligan_*

Guest_Heligan_*
  • Guests

Posted 11 September 2009 - 12:46 AM

What is demisexuality?

I keep seeing the word crop up every so often but I'm not entirely sure I understand the meaning.

Is it like being attracted to a person (like a specific person), not because of their gender or anything but because it's THEM? (The only example I can think of is the John Paul/Craig Hollyoaks storyline so....)


Please correct me if I'm wrong :)


What you describe sounds more like pansexual or bi-sexual.

Demisexuals, appear to be asexual until they form a romantic attraction; this then triggers their sexuality and they react to the person they are romantically involved with just like a sexual would (sexual attraction, desire etc).
Romantic attraction can be hetro-romantic, bi-romantic or homo-romantic, so I guess you could be demisexual and pansexual.

They are the root of the 'you will grow out of it/meet the right person' thing.

#4 AVENCakes

AVENCakes

    AVENistor

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,470 posts

Posted 11 September 2009 - 08:41 PM

I don't know if demisexuals are more likely to be panromantic/sexual or not- but it'd be nearly impossible for their sexual orientation to mismatch their romantic orientation, since they have to romantically love someone to feel sexual attraction for them.


Demisexuals who aren't aware of demisexuality, and those that know them, are probably pretty annoying to asexuals. I knew one who was just awful about insisting that, because she thought herself asexual but now wants to screw her partner, no one's truly asexual. They basically reinforce the "you haven't met the right person" theory.

Nothing wrong with being demisexual, of course, but that is annoying.

#5 sonofzeal

sonofzeal

    Asexy Authoritay!

  • Moderators
  • 11,557 posts
  • Location:Canada
  • A/Sexuality:Demisexual

Posted 12 September 2009 - 01:56 AM

You know, it'll probably complicate things unnecessarily, but that's not quiiiite how I meant the term when I coined it (yes, I'm a term-coiner, mwahahhaa). See, for me it isn't necessarily "romantic love" that's the trigger. Romantic love is nice too, but I've had love without lust (because that's basically what sexual attraction is), and lust without love. It's just that I don't get lust unless there's a strong emotional connection to the person, unless I feel like I know them very well. I've been "in love" four or five times in my life, and been "in lust" about as many times, which I'm going to assume is faaaar below normal for a healthy male with a decent sex drive. The two don't even line up very well! Still, both are predicated by some deep emotional connection.

That is all. :ph34r:
Avatar editted by Spinneret, Dixie, and Hallu. Yay to all!

My Radar Graph!

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

#6 Guest_Heligan_*

Guest_Heligan_*
  • Guests

Posted 12 September 2009 - 02:26 AM

You know, it'll probably complicate things unnecessarily, but that's not quiiiite how I meant the term when I coined it (yes, I'm a term-coiner, mwahahhaa). See, for me it isn't necessarily "romantic love" that's the trigger. Romantic love is nice too, but I've had love without lust (because that's basically what sexual attraction is), and lust without love. It's just that I don't get lust unless there's a strong emotional connection to the person, unless I feel like I know them very well. I've been "in love" four or five times in my life, and been "in lust" about as many times, which I'm going to assume is faaaar below normal for a healthy male with a decent sex drive. The two don't even line up very well! Still, both are predicated by some deep emotional connection.

That is all. :ph34r:


I think thats probably a better way of putting it yes, 'emotional connection', 'romantic' implies something else I suppose....

I think that it is probably possible to go from connection to sexual attraction very fast for some demisexual occassionally.... well I know it is (it has happened to me on two occassions- but dont get over excited that was over a long time period- Im old!)

#7 an1malclawz

an1malclawz

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 116 posts
  • Location:owensville mo usa

Posted 10 March 2010 - 02:42 AM

if its for a specific person then what if a demisexual finds that person and they get dumped, can they go after someone else? I'm lost when you said specific, wasn't for sure if its that person and that person only or they can find another?
I am the asexual mage that will later become the asexual sage.

#8 mephostophiles

mephostophiles

    Amoeba

  • AVEN Members
  • 65 posts
  • A/Sexuality:Asexual homoromantic.

Posted 10 March 2010 - 05:50 PM

if its for a specific person then what if a demisexual finds that person and they get dumped, can they go after someone else? I'm lost when you said specific, wasn't for sure if its that person and that person only or they can find another?

I think that's open to interpretation.
The way I see it, demisexuality means you are asexual except towards someone you love/care deeply about, in which case latent sexual feelings have popped up.
But different people have different definitions, so you'll probably get a different answer from everyone you ask.
As for whether sexual feelings towards someone will never happen again after that specific person leaves, I really couldn't say.
I'm struggling with demisexuality myself, so I have just as many questions as I do answers.

Dictator-for-Life of the notoriously low-activity last.fm group for aces. Come be unproductive with us.

My droogs call me 'Doom'.

#9 Dailas

Dailas

    A-Mazing

  • AVEN Members
  • 95 posts
  • Location:West Palm Beach, FL
  • A/Sexuality:bi/pansexual

Posted 16 March 2010 - 02:03 PM

This is very interesting. I'm thinking I might be demisexual.

For a long time, I had considered myself an aromantic asexual; I didn't desire or seek relationships, but suspected I might want to give it a try if I might someone I liked enough and had the inclination. Overall, it was a very vague and theoretical feeling.

And then I met somebody. I've had maybe two crushes before now, and they were on acquaintances and were nowhere near as intense as this. I've always been repulsed and have never been sexually attracted to anybody, and that's still true, I think, on some level. I still can't really picture myself having sex (it's just not me), but with this person, I'm starting to wonder if I might want to at some point.

I can't say I'm sexually attracted or desiring sex, but I'm a bit curious about it in this one specific instance, which for me is a huge change from being totally repulsed. I still feel asexual, just with an... exception. I feel like asexuality is still a perfectly valid orientation for me, but demisexuality or something like it (this is the closest term I've found to describe the way I feel) is just another aspect of my identity, like one way in which my asexuality is expressed. Make sense? I'm not dependent on labels, but rather they seem to help me explore my identity by looking at it from different angles.

Thoughts?

#10 CBC.Radio.Girl

CBC.Radio.Girl

    Resident batshit crazy tea addict.

  • AVEN Members
  • 14,343 posts
  • Gender:Slightly girl-ish. Not important.
  • Location:Getting snuggled by a straitjacket in a padded room.
  • A/Sexuality:Bi/pan/whatever-romantic and not a very sexual person.

Posted 16 March 2010 - 02:22 PM

My thoughts? It makes a lot of sense to me. (@ Dailas) What you described is incredibly similar to my own experience. I often identify as demi here on AVEN, because of that one 'exception', but for the most part I still feel very asexual. I was also rather repulsed when I was younger, and I very much relate to your claim of it [having sex] being "just not me". I often feel I have no innate sexual instinct, yet there's something there (which in my case does include some level of sexual attraction, as well) that makes calling myself strictly asexual seem not quite 100% accurate.

I'm happy to hear you're not dependent on labels, either. Same here. I find trying to say definitively that "this is me" with a one-word term is simply not possible.
you always know just who you are
you never needed someone else
to realise yourself

Posted Image

#11 Schwabeka

Schwabeka

    Newbie

  • Members
  • 4 posts
  • A/Sexuality:Type C Demisexual

Posted 26 June 2010 - 12:42 PM

This is very interesting. I'm thinking I might be demisexual.

For a long time, I had considered myself an aromantic asexual; I didn't desire or seek relationships, but suspected I might want to give it a try if I might someone I liked enough and had the inclination. Overall, it was a very vague and theoretical feeling.

And then I met somebody. I've had maybe two crushes before now, and they were on acquaintances and were nowhere near as intense as this. I've always been repulsed and have never been sexually attracted to anybody, and that's still true, I think, on some level. I still can't really picture myself having sex (it's just not me), but with this person, I'm starting to wonder if I might want to at some point.

I can't say I'm sexually attracted or desiring sex, but I'm a bit curious about it in this one specific instance, which for me is a huge change from being totally repulsed. I still feel asexual, just with an... exception. I feel like asexuality is still a perfectly valid orientation for me, but demisexuality or something like it (this is the closest term I've found to describe the way I feel) is just another aspect of my identity, like one way in which my asexuality is expressed. Make sense? I'm not dependent on labels, but rather they seem to help me explore my identity by looking at it from different angles.

Thoughts?


Even though I'm new to the whole asexual scene, I identify as being a Type C demisexual. I identify as such because I do have a relationship in which I feel what I like to call "innate sexual regard" for him. I define this as what sexuals would call "sexual attraction", but what I personally relate to as "a very deep emotional connection with the individual in question with biological side effects." Of course, this is my personal view.

However, in my situation, we tried sexual things. It didn't work...for either of us. It made us too uncomfortable and in the end, we broke up because we tried to push that barrier. We are back together now with the "clothes stay on" rule and we enjoy touching each other. That's as far as it needs to go. That "emotional connection" is all we need. He is a sexual, I'm an asexual. Somehow it worked...but I'm not going to say that your situation isn't unique to you.

I'd say communication is the best option for you. All relationships need it, for one, and it's the best way to find out your limits. I was and still am, and from this point on, will probably not want or desire intercourse for the rest of my life. We had to talk about it to find that out. I suggest talking first even if it doesn't come up. If you're in a relationship with a sexual, no matter what orientation, it's bound to come up sometime. Might as well approach it sooner rather than later. But again, personal advice.
“What greater thing is there for two human souls that to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.”--George Eliot

#12 GGBarabajagal

GGBarabajagal

    Newbie

  • Members
  • 1 posts

Posted 19 July 2012 - 11:04 AM

I don't know if demisexuals are more likely to be panromantic/sexual or not- but it'd be nearly impossible for their sexual orientation to mismatch their romantic orientation, since they have to romantically love someone to feel sexual attraction for them.


Demisexuals who aren't aware of demisexuality, and those that know them, are probably pretty annoying to asexuals. I knew one who was just awful about insisting that, because she thought herself asexual but now wants to screw her partner, no one's truly asexual. They basically reinforce the "you haven't met the right person" theory.

Nothing wrong with being demisexual, of course, but that is annoying.


I can't speak with any authority, but as a panromantic demisexual, I can tell you that yes, I have been in love with other men while feeling no sexual attraction to them (on more then one occasion they were sexually attracted to me, and it was very hard indeed. pun intended). It's not that I'm close minded, it's just that I'm not physically attracted to manly bits (weiners)(or butts). It's an aggravating place to be, both mentally and emotionally, and until I found this site I always assumed I was just in some sort of "super-denial". I still can't explain my feelings, outside of the classical form: I simply want to be physically close to them, and share in their everyday experiences, possibly cuddle(?) or some-such, but as far as any sort of sexual interaction goes, it's a complete "no sir thank you sir".

Also, as for the "romantic vs. emotional" aspect, I'd like to offer a third option: for me, my sexual feelings are often tied to romantic connections, usually to emotional, but ALWAYS! to trust. First and foremost for me is the ability to trust the other person; trust them not to hurt me (emotionally, in my case), trust them not to use me, trust them to take from me only what they have given. Trust them, in essence, to be as honest and forthcoming with their emotions and actions as I am. That may not necessarily fit with the dictionary definition of demisexual, it just does for me. Ta.

#13 ithaca

ithaca

    A Purple Posting Poet

  • Administrators
  • 17,786 posts
  • Location:London, UK
  • A/Sexuality:Homoromantic Asexual

Posted 19 July 2012 - 11:18 AM

This thread hasn’t been active for a long time and is now being locked to avoid thread necromancy. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

I'm also moving it to The Gray Area forum.

ithaca
Temp Asexual Q&A Moderator

huXlEwE.jpg ZOXb725.jpg thumb_icon_btvs_buffy15.jpg OjfK8G3.jpg


Check my youtube asexual channel here!





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users