Marriage w/ Asexual wife about to end

[SexualHubby]

I do hope that sexualhubby's wife is not being selfish and making a charade of reconciliation, just so that she can hold onto a relationship that is doomed. If her actions and efforts are real, then there is hope for both to be happy. If not, then it is pitiful.

Yes, exactly! That's where I am in this relationship. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt right now, knowing that this might lead to heartbreak again- but I have to try. I don't know if I would use the word "pitiful," because I know that she really does believe things can be different- we'll see.

[n44ww]

Most human beings of any gender or sexual orientation can imagine how someone feels about something, even if they themselves don't feel that way.

Speaking for myself, I have an excellent example of how this didn't work for me. A member of my staff had an 18 month old daughter that died from an undiagnoses congenital heart problem. I had no children at the time, but felt that I understood the depth of the feelings she must have been going through. When I saw the tiny coffin at the cemetary, carried on the shoulder of the pallbearer, I thought I really understood.

I was absolutely wrong. After I had children, my son was in an accident and it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest. Then it dawned on me that when my staffer's daughter died, I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE as to what she was experiencing, based on my feelings of when we were in the hospital. Then, another wave of realization hit me, that my son did not die, but her daughter did. There is no way on earth I could even come close to the feelings that she must have been experiencing - because I couldn't even imagine my own feeling, had my son died.

Perhaps you are right, though. There may be people out there who can really "get it" without the benefit of any personal experience to rely upon. I just know that I'm not one of those people and I don't think I know any.

[xsex]

I think a primary cause which leads to a sexual partner's confusion about how or what their asexual partner actually desires in their relationship steams from the asexual' initial response to sex within the relationship. I think that many asexual's enter into relationships without much knowledge of their own sexuality and become very good at "faking" sexual enjoyment for the sake of their relationship. Once the relationship is firmly developed, and the asexual no longer feels they must continue with the facade, the truth begins emerging. Unfortunately, by this time the sexual partner has a picture imprinted in their mind of their spouse or partner as a sexual being. Thus the obvious truth has become shrouded by the illusion that was initially created. Any other thoughts on this theory?

[Sally]

Once the relationship is firmly developed, and the asexual no longer feels they must continue with the facade, the truth begins emerging. Unfortunately, by this time the sexual partner has a picture imprinted in their mind of their spouse or partner as a sexual being. Thus the obvious truth has become shrouded by the illusion that was initially created. Any other thoughts on this theory?

But in many of the posts by married/partnered asexuals on AVEN, and in my own case during two relationships, it isn't the case that the asexual no longer feels they must continue with the "facade." I didn't feel it was facade; I felt I was simply trying to do what everyone else seemed to do. Calling it a facade makes it seem as though the asexual is tricking the sexual until they're hooked, and then the asexual doesn't need to do that anymore.

What more likely happens, and this was the case for me: after a number of years, the asexual simply can't do it anymore. It isn't that they recognize anything about themselves, they just can't do it. It feels bad, it feels impossible. That happened for me several years before I found AVEN and knew there was such a thing as asexuality. My former partner now feels I betrayed him; he would probably use the word "facade" if he read your post. But I know it isn't true, because it was ME. I'm the authority on what I knew and didn't know, what I meant and didn't mean. You really have to listen to people and not make assumptions.

[sexualwithasexual]

What more likely happens, and this was the case for me: after a number of years, the asexual simply can't do it anymore. It isn't that they recognize anything about themselves, they just can't do it. It feels bad, it feels impossible. That happened for me several years before I found AVEN and knew there was such a thing as asexuality.

You saying this, even if my partner's experience is not exactly the same, makes me able to understand SOOOO much. It's so hard not to take things personally. Why do we do that as humans? I thought we were supposed to outgrow that - the whole ego/id phase. I know I haven't. But this helps. To hear about such similar stories from so many asexuals on here who loved their partners and in no way wanted or wants to leave; it's just so helpful to me.

[Sally]

I know it's really difficult for sexuals in relationships to not take it personally, but truly -- the asexual is not reacting to their partner or rejecting their partner. It wouldn't be any different with anyone else. The man I "rejected" and "betrayed" (sadly, his feeling) was the man I was in love with and had loved for many years. It was me, not him.

[daveb]

What more likely happens, and this was the case for me: after a number of years, the asexual simply can't do it anymore. It isn't that they recognize anything about themselves, they just can't do it. It feels bad, it feels impossible. That happened for me several years before I found AVEN and knew there was such a thing as asexuality.

I know it's really difficult for sexuals in relationships to not take it personally, but truly -- the asexual is not reacting to their partner or rejecting their partner. It wouldn't be any different with anyone else. It was me, not him.

(pardon my editing)

This is very similar to my own experiences, although I wasn't married and the one long term relationship I had only lasted 4 years.

On another note - I think people are really trying to understand each other in this thread so I wouldn't get too hung up on terms, but I understand Sally's point of view. When you've been faced with the kind of recriminations she has it's natural to try to make others understand the impact of their words, hopefully saving others from the kind of reactions and responses she has gotten. I had some similar reactions (although not as strong - more along the lines of "what was I holding back". I didn't think oe know I was holding anything back and didn't have answers for that before AVEN.)

[Galen]

I really don't believe the "facade" part, at least in our case. For many reasons, mainly me being shy, we started our relationship without previous experiences, Wedding night was the first full experience, which went poorly. For years I believe she tried but thought she was normal and I was just too sexual.

Took 18years before I believe she realized that prehaps I was not abnormal. She didn't fake it all this time to keep me around or get me. There really isn't in faking on her part, she just isn't interested it seems, occasionally she opens up to me, but doesn't fake any extraordinary enjoyment. :( Though she does seem to enjoy it a little at times, never enough to desire more.

I really don't know how to let go though. I really desire being desired by her. Even though she stays in bed a bit to lay with me today (normally she off quickly and early), I don't know how to handle it any longer. I just keep asking questions, she says she is listening but she does not give me answers... It is really heartbreaking.

[n44ww]

Make the best of what you've got. I figure its like buying an airplane ticket for Munich after your learned German, only to have the plane hijacked and flown to France. It sure as heck isn't Germany, you don't understand what's going on and it's not what you wanted. You can totally focus on what you are missing, get mad, complain and hope to get what you really wanted or try to make the best of things, learn French and try the food and the sights. Maybe you can live with the new reality.

The choice is up to you, of course. For me, I've pretty much resigned myself to my new reality - I got myself into this and I'm tired of hoping for better. It is what it is. Should I try to find better somewhere else? At what cost - physical, emotional, spiritual...? What are the probabilities of success? The grass is always greener...

I wonder how many sexuals see a change toward asexual behavior in their spouses and just attribute things to the "seven year itch", blame the children, mid-life crisis, empty nest syndrome, whatever. Maybe this is the "For Worse" part of the wedding vows and we should just keep our vows and take it. And maybe get involved in _____________________ (fill in your alternative) instead, to take you mind off things.

[Galen]

I believe your right once it is accepted things can improve. I hope there will be move hugging and snuggling without the pressure it would normally bring. This morning was a bit better even a short shower together. I still feel malnourished though. I know I can now look forward to a new week of scheduling that does not include time for me, where her day is full from 5am till 11pm it seems, and next weekend does not look opportunistic either.

I would love to see opportunities taken when they come, but that is alien to her. I'm actually in a better mode this morning then last night but that is all relative.

I think it would be different for all of us if it was due to some accident etc... it would of been easier to understand. Seems I have lost many years chasing something that is unattainable.

I must sound selfish, sorry.

[Sally]

No, you don't sound selfish. Perhaps just realistic. The one thing that is absolutely necessary in a sexual/asexual relationship is for both parties to understand that they are different, and that difference isn't going to go away. Perhaps a compromise will be reached, and possibly the sexual will tone down their demands and the asexual will attempt to do more than they're really comfortable with. But this is really an orientation difference and the asexual isn't going to rapidly, or even slowly, become sexual.

I know it's difficult for sexuals to understand that doing something that seems easy and natural to you can be as difficult for the asexual as NOT doing it is for you as a sexual. But that's the case.

[Galen]

Thanks Sally,

Seems you are among a few that post that seems to understand both sides pretty well.

Things go from decent to awful in a heartbeat around here, nothing to do with this even (Disagreement about the kids).

We have so much together yet there are other issues that aren't perfect. I do not want to get in a mindset of letting things go because of her sexual orientation. Honestly, I would probably fold over with everything if she did wrap me around her finger, but that is not how it works. Worse still any little argument leads to longer periods of unease on her part. Now she will probably connect her opening up to me this morning with her anger now of me and think that everytime she does this it leads to a fight. She has told me this before, it doesn't and is just a coincidence, yet she believes it.

I typed a lot more, but really need to see if I can salvage the day.

Till latter.

[n44ww]

...for the asexuals...the idea of seeking sex with someone would be like asking someone if they would use the toilet with them, or asking someone if they would please sneeze on you while you sneeze back at them -- something kind of bizarre like that.

Just my humorous take on it. Maybe someone else can explain it better, but that is my analogy.

This is a terrific analogy that really works for me. If asexuals really feel sex is as bizarre as "shared sneezing", then I think I can grasp how asexuals can be repulsed by sexual relations. What amazes me is how there can be two such polar opposite viewpoints of sex. I've always been baffled by other people's disinterest in lovemaking, because the feeling is so intense and incredibly positive for me. And it's part of my make-up to want others (wife) to get that same feeling - like it's my job, my duty, my vow.

But then, I suppose that there are people who will never understand how I can live without chocolate and not even miss it. I stopped about 7-8 years ago. I can still remember what it tasted like, but that doesn't matter to me and I just don't think about it. I simply don't want it. But there is a "back-story": caffeine gives me an irregular heatbeat and now I "eat like my life depends on it", because, in a way, it does.

[Sally]

Not all asexuals are repulsed by the idea of sex. Some asexuals can enjoy it sometimes. But they don't want it, and the hallmark of asexuality is we're not sexually attracted to another person. That's the main thing.

Just imagine having sex if you weren't attracted to anyone sexually. Boring. Annoying. Unpleasant. And you were expected by a certain person (someone you love) to WANT to do it. That's the key: they are only happy if you want to do it as much as they do.

Asexuals don't. We're just not going to want to have sex with you, no matter what you do or we do.

[n44ww]

...the hallmark of asexuality is we're not sexually attracted to another person. That's the main thing.

Wow. That nails it down.

If there is no sexual attraction by the asexual, then that would seem to explain why the asexual:

1. prefers not to talk about sex

2. prefers not to watch movies or tv with sexually explicit content (not even a little bit of such content)

3. prefers not to wear suggestive clothing (not even the least little bit "sexual")

4. can't wait for sex to be over

5. prefers not to see the spouse naked (lights out, please)

6. prefers to clean up right away after sex

7. may not think of themselves a sexually attractive, to others or even themselves

Am I close? If I am, then it also explains why sexuals are at such a loss, devastated, disillusioned, etc. Because sexuals consider sexual attraction a fundamental basis for loving someone. Hence unrequited love (love not returned in kind).

[AVENCakes]

Some asexuals like "suggestive" clothing and get pissed that people take that as consent. But they just like that style- they aren't doing it to be sexually attractive. If they wear something "suggestive" it isn't out of the desire to be sexy, it's the same reason that you might wear a top that brings out your eyes- you just like the way it looks.

And as for 7- I'm tempted to punch anyone who calls me "sexy". I don't do anything to be sexual or provoke it, I look and dress like a prepubescent boy, yet for some reason I keep getting jerks hounding me for sex. There's nothing sexy about me, and I really wish I could pound that into everyone's head. Unfortunately, I'm a pacifist, so I just leave it at correcting the mistake and rolling my eyes.

[bluetree]

...the hallmark of asexuality is we're not sexually attracted to another person. That's the main thing.

Wow. That nails it down.

If there is no sexual attraction by the asexual, then that would seem to explain why the asexual:

1. prefers not to talk about sex

2. prefers not to watch movies or tv with sexually explicit content (not even a little bit of such content)

3. prefers not to wear suggestive clothing (not even the least little bit "sexual")

4. can't wait for sex to be over

5. prefers not to see the spouse naked (lights out, please)

6. prefers to clean up right away after sex

7. may not think of themselves a sexually attractive, to others or even themselves

Am I close? If I am, then it also explains why sexuals are at such a loss, devastated, disillusioned, etc. Because sexuals consider sexual attraction a fundamental basis for loving someone. Hence unrequited love (love not returned in kind).

You are completely accurate in reflecting how i feel about sex with my (sexual) husband. Don't forget, though, that there is still so much love and caring between asexual and sexual partners, that it makes things so complicated. So I feel so badly about hurting my husband's feelings, since sex is so integral to our relationship, everytime i am not willing to have sex, or when it's impossible to seem passionate and initiate things, and i just give in and do it for him. I feel so much guilt about not being a "normal" sexual partner, that want's it as much as he does, and that i've found out that i'll never be that passionate partner he wants. It really is impossible to truly understand the other's point of view. We have such a good relationship in so many ways, why does sex have to be so important?

[n44ww]

Two great posts, bluetree and RDraconis!

For RDraconis - if you are dressing as a "prepubescent boy" and guys are leering at you and making suggestive comments, go ahead and punch them - they're probably pedophiles and deserve it! On second thought, it's probably what they want. So, run (don't walk) in the other direction. It sounds like you are sending clear signals (dress, behavior) that such things don't interest you, yet some don't seem to get the message.

For bluetree - in the "give and take"department, if I were your husband, if you were to direct my attention and sharpen my focus on those efforts that you do like, I would be inclined to try to make you happy that way. Whatever that might be - chocolate, movies, cuddling... Paraphrasing Thomas Edison, I already know 10,000 ways that don't work. I'd appreciate the help.

But be clear with him that your desire to feel love from him transcends any possible desire you may have for sex. I view this as a communications issue - and not an easy one. And maybe, just maybe, while he is concentrating on your happiness in the ways that you like, he might tell you (you should ask) the specific things that he likes the best. Which may mean that you can focus on those things (when you are so inclined) and thus minimize your exposure to doing things that you don't really like. I think everyone will be happier with that compromise. Maybe not ecstatic, but happier. Do you think he "gets" the whole asexual concept? If not, try to somehow convey that he can't "win you over" to the sexual side, no matter how good he is. It isn't a reflection on him or his animal magnatism or raw sexualtiy, because you are unable/prefer not to respond to such things.

It won't be an easy sell, because you are fighting his subconscious will that is telling him that continued demonstations of his sexual prowess will win you over, convert you to some kind of sexual goddess and live happily ever after. OK, I'm being light-hearted, but there is real truth there. Try to make it clear that it isn't some kind of mating ritual, where you act disinterested, he works his magic and stirs the passion in your soul and you jump him. Tell him that just doesn't work for you and direct his attentions to things he can do to make you feel more loved, the way you like it. Whatever that might be.

Hope that helps.

[Sally]

It won't be an easy sell, because you are fighting his subconscious will that is telling him that continued demonstations of his sexual prowess will win you over, convert you to some kind of sexual goddess and live happily ever after.

Very good description of what's going on in many sexual/asexual relationships when the sexual is male. It feels almost like a power play: "I'm going to show you who's in charge here and if you accept it (i.e., show sexual desire for me), we will be very happy. If you don't, everything that doesn't work is your fault."

I don't mean to paint all male sexuals that way; obviously there are many very sensitive and non-power-play guys on AVEN. But that's what I experienced in both of my relationships.

[Galen]

...the hallmark of asexuality is we're not sexually attracted to another person. That's the main thing.

Wow. That nails it down.

If there is no sexual attraction by the asexual, then that would seem to explain why the asexual:

1. prefers not to talk about sex

2. prefers not to watch movies or tv with sexually explicit content (not even a little bit of such content)

3. prefers not to wear suggestive clothing (not even the least little bit "sexual")

4. can't wait for sex to be over

5. prefers not to see the spouse naked (lights out, please)

6. prefers to clean up right away after sex

7. may not think of themselves a sexually attractive, to others or even themselves

Am I close? If I am, then it also explains why sexuals are at such a loss, devastated, disillusioned, etc. Because sexuals consider sexual attraction a fundamental basis for loving someone. Hence unrequited love (love not returned in kind).

Seems all those apply to my wife also. It still is taking time for me to work with this since #1 applies so much. Tried to add discussion of what works with another yesterday and it was avoided again.

A few months ago I asked if she could fulfill some fantasies involving skirts or dresses. I believe she thought I was too kinky. This was before I knew or understood Asexuality, seems it is all alien to her and has not interest or understanding of any basic sexual male interest.

This is all still very sad to me.

[BunnyK.]

It won't be an easy sell, because you are fighting his subconscious will that is telling him that continued demonstations of his sexual prowess will win you over, convert you to some kind of sexual goddess and live happily ever after.

Very good description of what's going on in many sexual/asexual relationships when the sexual is male. It feels almost like a power play: "I'm going to show you who's in charge here and if you accept it (i.e., show sexual desire for me), we will be very happy. If you don't, everything that doesn't work is your fault."

I don't mean to paint all male sexuals that way; obviously there are many very sensitive and non-power-play guys on AVEN. But that's what I experienced in both of my relationships.

I have to say that this post caught my eye. I'm familiar with this dynamic from my now (thankfully) ended relationship, and from *my* end it never felt like a power play. It felt like the opposite - as in, "I'm going to try my little heart out to make this so fucking amazing right now in the hope that I will finally do right whatever it is that I've been doing wrong and you will finally realize how awesome this is and stop breaking my heart by feeling meh about it when just your presence in bed rocks my world".

I just wonder, Sally - you talk about how your past sexual partners can't get over the "betrayal" loop in their head when that's not what you meant to do or how you saw it at all - is it possible that you've got your own "power play" loop going? Because from my experience and my reading around the web, the last thing on the mind of most sexuals in that situation is a power play. It's much more along the lines of begging, really.

[n44ww]

It's much more along the lines of begging, really.

Yep, for me anyways. My wife is in total control, completely. If she says no, it's not happening. If she says yes, I can only hope and pray that what she gets out of it offsets her losing some sleep. Yes, I'm a dreamer.

"I'm going to try my little heart out to make this so fucking amazing right now in the hope that I will finally do right whatever it is that I've been doing wrong and you will finally realize how awesome this is and stop breaking my heart by feeling ? about it when just your presence in bed rocks my world".

That nails it for me. I'm still trying to change my thinking to the new reality that finally doing the right thing may very well mean - "do this as fast as is humanly possible, so she can go back to sleep". Frankly, a huge turn-off. But then, a huge turn-off for me kills my mood and gives her what she likes the very best - no more sexual overtones!

So, kind of the reverse of Sally's experiences. My asexual wife is so much happier when I obey the "seven bullet point rules" (see previous posts). Violate the rules and beware the consequences!

[Galen]

It's much more along the lines of begging, really.

Yep, for me anyways. My wife is in total control, completely. If she says no, it's not happening. If she says yes, I can only hope and pray that what she gets out of it offsets her losing some sleep. Yes, I'm a dreamer.

"I'm going to try my little heart out to make this so fucking amazing right now in the hope that I will finally do right whatever it is that I've been doing wrong and you will finally realize how awesome this is and stop breaking my heart by feeling ? about it when just your presence in bed rocks my world".

That nails it for me. I'm still trying to change my thinking to the new reality that finally doing the right thing may very well mean - "do this as fast as is humanly possible, so she can go back to sleep". Frankly, a huge turn-off. But then, a huge turn-off for me kills my mood and gives her what she likes the very best - no more sexual overtones!

So, kind of the reverse of Sally's experiences. My asexual wife is so much happier when I obey the "seven bullet point rules" (see previous posts). Violate the rules and beware the consequences!

This is all completely true for us also. I spent 20 years trying to do it right on the rare occasions we did anything thinking it would awaken her. Even when I did I guess it was just that was nice, but not an OMG. I would also continue to feel my performance was subpar since it was so infrequent.

The feeling of no control also.

Those seven points you posted work perfectly to describe life here.

:(

[Sally]

I just wonder, Sally - you talk about how your past sexual partners can't get over the "betrayal" loop in their head when that's not what you meant to do or how you saw it at all - is it possible that you've got your own "power play" loop going? Because from my experience and my reading around the web, the last thing on the mind of most sexuals in that situation is a power play. It's much more along the lines of begging, really.

No, I didn't have a "power play loop" going. Just because sexuals don't see it that way doesn't mean that asexuals themselves are trying the power play. And my partners didn't beg; they demanded and were very upset if they didn't get what they wanted. What they got was all I could give, but obviously, it wasn't what they wanted. I felt they had the power; I didn't have any. They were also two very traditional males, born of an age where roles were traditional.

[BunnyK.]

I just wonder, Sally - you talk about how your past sexual partners can't get over the "betrayal" loop in their head when that's not what you meant to do or how you saw it at all - is it possible that you've got your own "power play" loop going? Because from my experience and my reading around the web, the last thing on the mind of most sexuals in that situation is a power play. It's much more along the lines of begging, really.

No, I didn't have a "power play loop" going. Just because sexuals don't see it that way doesn't mean that asexuals themselves are trying the power play. And my partners didn't beg; they demanded and were very upset if they didn't get what they wanted. What they got was all I could give, but obviously, it wasn't what they wanted. I felt they had the power; I didn't have any. They were also two very traditional males, born of an age where roles were traditional.

I'm not sure what you mean here; what I was trying to say is that in the same way your sexual partners may have felt that you betrayed them when you really didn't, you may feel that they were trying a power play on you when they didn't mean to. It was an honest question - if you feel like they were coming from a place of power, well, I can't say your experience is wrong - I just know that my experience suggests that they could have actually felt quite powerless, even if didn't come across that way to you.

[Sally]

what I was trying to say is that in the same way your sexual partners may have felt that you betrayed them when you really didn't, you may feel that they were trying a power play on you when they didn't mean to. It was an honest question -

Sorry, it felt like an accusation. I am definitely sensitive about this, because my longtime partner has recently been quite nasty about his accusations of betrayal.

My husband (10 years) did not know I was asexual because I didn't know either, and since we've been divorced for 30 years, I haven't told him of my discovery. However, he was quite...powerful...in his sexual intent. He ended up having an affair during our marriage because he was disappointed with me. The affair was very scary to me because we had two children and I was afraid he would leave. That happened several years later. My ex-partner was also quite powerful (I felt he had the power and he felt he had the power) and was angry that what he tried didn't work, and is even angrier now.

If they felt powerless, they gave no sign of it, and I certainly didn't feel they were. That's all I can say. I can understand that that isn't the case with everyone, but it was in my case. Sometimes things are indeed what they seem.

[n44ww]

In the movie "Sleepless in Seattle", Meg Ryan has a scene in which she fakes an orgasm in a restaurant, to prove that she could fool a guy.

I think that, down deep, all sexual guys want their asexual partners to experience a "Meg Ryan" orgasm (except a real one, of course). Although, if the asexual is as good an actor as Meg Ryan, the sexual guy would never know the difference. Kind of funny, when you think about it.

[Olivier]

If there is no sexual attraction by the asexual, then that would seem to explain why the asexual:

1. prefers not to talk about sex

2. prefers not to watch movies or tv with sexually explicit content (not even a little bit of such content)

3. prefers not to wear suggestive clothing (not even the least little bit "sexual")

4. can't wait for sex to be over

5. prefers not to see the spouse naked (lights out, please)

6. prefers to clean up right away after sex

7. may not think of themselves a sexually attractive, to others or even themselves

Am I close? If I am, then it also explains why sexuals are at such a loss, devastated, disillusioned, etc. Because sexuals consider sexual attraction a fundamental basis for loving someone. Hence unrequited love (love not returned in kind).

And maybe that explains why we're doing well - my decidedly asexual wife ticks only a couple of those boxes. Part of our deal is that as I accept her asexuality, she accepts my sexuality, so talking about sex, accepting sexual compliments, etc are just part of everyday life, and inevitable when she's as good-looking and well-dressed as she is. Nudity (hers or mine) she's never had a problem with (it's not inherently sexual after all), nor sex in media or literature, as she's not in denial that sex is part of the broader human experience, even if it does little for her personally. She acknowledges that she's sexy to me, even though she admits she has little idea how that feels from my side.

Acceptance works both ways, and the more accepting I've become, the more willing she's been to see things from my side.

I really don't see how the issues surrounding a/s relationships can be solved if only one person is working to solve them.

[Sally]

In the movie "Sleepless in Seattle", Meg Ryan has a scene in which she fakes an orgasm in a restaurant, to prove that she could fool a guy.

I think that, down deep, all sexual guys want their asexual partners to experience a "Meg Ryan" orgasm (except a real one, of course). Although, if the asexual is as good an actor as Meg Ryan, the sexual guy would never know the difference. Kind of funny, when you think about it.

Over the years, I've known quite a number of sexual women who've been good actors. Their husbands/partners have apparently not known. They've acted when they really didn't feel in the mood and their partners did. I'd guess that acting as a sexual woman is quite a different experience from acting as an asexual woman. The sexual woman knows that she'll probably be in the mood tomorrow or the next day; the asexual woman is acting generally out of a desperate desire to please, or fear of being abandoned or having her partner angry at her. Not pleasant.

[n44ww]

Acceptance works both ways, and the more accepting I've become, the more willing she's been to see things from my side.

I really don't see how the issues surrounding a/s relationships can be solved if only one person is working to solve them.

Too right and good on you.