13 replies to this topic

[Sleepless]

Hi everyone.
My life start to suck 5 years ago when I moved together with my husband and got married. He's been married before and his ex left him for same reason..no sex( i know cause i found a letter of her to some friend).

After moved in together sex was less and less. We start once a week and drastically went to once 3-6 months. Even that once at 6 months is after I open the subject and he cannot get a proper erection even using viagra/cialis/levitra. He cannot ejaculate either. He went to doctor and other than a low testoterone there is nothing wrong with his body. He is getting treated for over a year now and nothing changed.

I came across this website and thought maybe he is just not sexual. He told me before he findds me attractive, and he wants me, but nothing. Never initiate and always avoid. I have to say that I did find how he uses internet porn maybe once 3-4 months. It hurts me so bad.

He is extremely sweet to me and offers me everything I want except a sex life.
I became very depresssed, I get sick very often and I feel I'm losing my mind. I feel ugly and unloved. Is it possible that my husband is asexual and doesnt know since he never really had a sex life? Not with his ex, not with me either.
What can I do for him? How can I introduce him to this situation?
I'm so confused and hurt... I have a high sex drive and his is non existent. I'm trying to understand what is going on because I want to move on with my life. With or without him.
Thank you!

[Novalee]

Hmmm... It sounds like you are in a tricky situation. The only advise that I have for you is to talk to your husband. I know it will be hard, but that is the only way to discover the truth. None of us can tell you whether or not your husband is asexual because we don't know what he is feeling. However, from what you have said, he certainly could be asexual.

When you do bring up the subject, try to be as non-accusatory as possible. You don't want to make him feel cornered or defensive. Remember, he may not have heard of asexuality. There are many asexuals who married and had kids before they realized they were asexual. Many people assume that they are heterosexual because they are romantically (but not sexually) attracted to the opposite sex. What I mean by romantic attraction is that you desire a relationship with another person and may enjoy kissing and cuddling, but have no desire for sex.

Another topic you need to discuss with your husband is his previous sex drive. You said that you used to have sex more often. Did his sex drive decrease or was he just having sex before for the sake of the relationship? Like I said earlier, many asexuals married sexuals and had kids. It is possible that your husband had sex with you because he loved you and desired a relationship with you rather than any sexual attraction on his part. On the other hand if he was sexually attracted to you before and has had a major decrease in sex drive, then it could be caused by a hormonal imbalance or a disease.

Also, remember that whether he is sexual or asexual, you are not ugly or unloved. Talk to him about how you feel. Explain your feelings and opinions and ask him how he feels. Talking about sex and asexuality can be really uncomfortable. I know from experience because I had to explain it all to my boyfriend when I realized that I was asexual. At first he was hurt and confused, probably much like you feel now. However, now our relationship is much stronger. We decided that we would be much better off as friends, but many mixed couples decide that they are willing to compromise between their different desires.

I hope his help.

[Sleepless]

Hi Novalee and thank you for your reply.
I did talk to my husband many times about our sex life and never atacking him in any, but coming up with some solutions and ask all the time what he thinks, what he wants. I always get the 'i don't know'. He doesnt know what is wrong or what he wants. The doctor performed differnt tests on him and he fine..no disease. He does enjoy kisses and cuddling, but that is it...
I dont think that he ever heard about asexuality but I would like to talk to him about. I want an answer, I want more than I dont know...
We never really had a great sex life and everything sounds to me like his previsous marriage. So he always had a low sex drive. I'm really mad because I remember we talk before marriage sex is important and he agreed 100%.
I did talk to him about how I feel...he always says he loves and he will do his best, but he doesnt. Or he does for the moment then back to 'normal'. I'm so sad... I really thought he is the one...

[ChooseYourBattles]

Sorry about your situation. If he has already sought treatment, then does this mean that he freely admits that he has a problem (low sex drive and erectile dysfunction)? It's possible that he just needs to get different / better treatment. There are lots of sexual dysfunction clinics popping up everywhere - it's a real growth industry.

It's always surprising to me how many women in your situation ask, "Is there something wrong with me? Aren't I sexy enough?" In most cases, I suspect that there's nothing wrong with the woman - the problem is with the man.

Good luck!

[daveb]

Lots of great input.
I disagree with one thing, though. The "problem" isn't with the man. If he is asexual that's no more "the problem" than her being sexual. The problem is the combination doesn't always allow both partners to have their needs met. So I think the problem is with the couple. It will take both working together to sort it out. Maybe with professional help, counseling or medical. It sounds like medical/physical avenues have been explored. That and the other info leads me to think he is likely asexual, but he may not even know it. I was in a similar situation before I found AVEN. Not married, but in a long term relationship with a sexual woman. I was attracted to her romantically and loved her and loved being with her. You could be the greatest woman in the world, but if he is asexual all the love in the world won't make him sexual. He could be very much in love with you.
But the lack of sex seems very important to you. You will probably have to decide if it's a "deal-breaker" or if there is any way you can both have your needs met. It's tough. I wish you both the best!!!

[Sally]

Great post, Daveb.

There comes a time when communication may not do it, and neither party can change what they need or don't need, and basically who they are. Then each party has to choose whether to stay or go, depending on how much they value the parts of the relationship that are good. If one party goes, it doesn't mean they don't love the other, just that they can't really be themselves in the relationship.

[daveb]

There comes a time when communication may not do it, and neither party can change what they need or don't need, and basically who they are. Then each party has to choose whether to stay or go, depending on how much they value the parts of the relationship that are good. If one party goes, it doesn't mean they don't love the other, just that they can't really be themselves in the relationship.

I totally agree.

[ChooseYourBattles]

I disagree with one thing, though. The "problem" isn't with the man. If he is asexual that's no more "the problem" than her being sexual. The problem is the combination doesn't always allow both partners to have their needs met.

I don't disagree with this - it's a matter of perspective. There's no point in arguing whether the square peg or the round hole is at fault. However, if the square peg can become rounder or the round hole can become squarer, there might be some hope for the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes it's better for the respective parties to seek a better fit elsewhere.

[myssecret]

This describes my situation to a T! Wow - has No idea that anything like this existed! I am blown away.. I have the most caring, loving, fantastic husband. NO sex.. unless I initiate and he feels obligated. Thats not fulfilling sex - It's not making love. We have been married for just more than 6 years and I am a frazzled mess. Been through all of the "he doesn't love me," doesn't find me attractive," etc. I have had horrible fits about why he REALLY married me - I thought there must have been some alterior motives, and yes, I even thought he MUST have been gay. None of those are the case - he loves me to death and finds me romantically attractive. I am SO glad that I found this site! I love and appreciate him more than I can say.. But it has been more and more evident that I need to have my needs met. I am positive now that part of the reason that I fell in love with him and married him is exactly what I can't bear - That he is asexual.. He didn't want to just "jump my bones" when we met, he NEVER has a wandering eye (my 1st husband ALWAYS did) and I am positive that he would never cheat. I misyakenly thought that the last 2 were because he loves me so - NOT. It's simply because, as he says, he's just "not sexy." Waht a bummer - I really want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am no cheater and I need for my love the way I experience it to be reciprocated. Everyone thinks that we are the perfect couple.. We are in SO many ways.. I am very very sad.

[Eliezer07]

May be it's bit odd advice but may be helpful to you.You should try to contact with his ex and ask her about their sexual life in past.If she said it was fine.Then there is something wrong with you otherwise he is impotent.

[Sally]

May be it's bit odd advice but may be helpful to you.You should try to contact with his ex and ask her about their sexual life in past.If she said it was fine.Then there is something wrong with you otherwise he is impotent.

That is NOT good advice. It's not fair to him to go behind his back and ask about his sex life with someone else, nor is it fair to expect his ex to talk about their relationship. And it's certainly not true that if the previous sexual relationship was fine, then it's the fault of the current woman that this one isn't. Nothing is "wrong" with anyone; different needs are different needs.

[Cyru]

I just thought you should know, theres a chance that your husband wasnt using the porn for his enjoymemt, it could be that he wanted to test out what he is able to get off to (or lack of what he can) by himself in a safe environment. Ive done this myself 3 or 4 times, as silly as it sounds, to try and see if i could make a certain relationship work.

[kourion]

But it has been more and more evident that I need to have my needs met. I am positive now that part of the reason that I fell in love with him and married him is exactly what I can't bear - That he is asexual.. He didn't want to just "jump my bones" when we met, he NEVER has a wandering eye (my 1st husband ALWAYS did) and I am positive that he would never cheat. I misyakenly thought that the last 2 were because he loves me so - NOT.

The ease with which he was able to NOT cheat may have had something to do with being asexual, if he is.

But I think if an asexual DOES marry someone who is, obviously, very sexual...that speaks a lot about how much they love that person too. Knowing that the person they love cares for an activity that they are never drawn to...or more than that...may not find attractive in *any* capacity (sometimes even the opposite!)

I don't know, as an asexual, if I'd have the guts to start an actual long term relationship with a man who was sexual even if, in every other way, I was completely in love. You write that in every other way...he seems to show you the most love. He probably DOES love you a great deal....

Just throwing that out there.

[CBC.Radio.Girl]

whyyyyy is this thread active? it was posted nearly two years ago.